These days

I am okay. Still here and doing relatively well. Between gardening, riding, sailing and going to meetings, I stay busy.  Life has a familiar groove to it.

Getting through the worst heat of the summer has been difficult. The humidity is stifling.  I have been going to the barn to ride in the evening when the sea breeze comes up and no one else is around.  I prefer the quiet times there and going to the ring or to the fields when the sun is setting.

The garden is in the waning phase so I'm getting ready to plant some fall crops. It produced well, but the heat eventually beats down everything, except for egg plant and okra.  We put up over 75 quarts of tomato sauce for winter.  It was a two day long ordeal but we managed to get through it, although both of us did not want to see another tomato.

Sailing is still the most fantastic getaway for me.  I go out for several days a month, dropping the anchor and staying overnight.  It is relaxing in a way that's hard to describe. I sleep better on the boat with the gentle rocking.  Even though it's hot on land, the island near the ocean where I anchor has a great breeze. I sleep comfortably with the ports and hatches open.

I celebrated ten years in Al-Anon on August 13.  It is hard for me to remember all the turmoil of the years before I went and the moments that propelled me to attend my first meeting. I don't dwell on that time much.  I have a core group of two meetings I attend each week and have been adding a third on as often as I can.  We all remain imperfect, struggling to get along with others and especially with the alcoholic.

One of the greatest things that I have learned is to have compassion and empathy for all who are struggling with the disease of alcoholism, whether it is the alcoholic or the person affected by someone else's drinking. And the same for those who are struggling with life and the circumstances of it.  I don't judge others for their choices or struggles. And I have learned to not take what others do or say personally.  My hurt feelings about something unkind said to me have diminished from days to an hour.  I hope to get that to a millisecond, as the feeling flows through me.  Resentments are killers of happiness. No need to hold onto someone else's bad feelings.

I don't feel much of an urge to write anymore.  But I am going to keep the blog going, perhaps only visiting once in a while.  All that I have written about here with such urgency in the past seems much less so now.

C. and I have a remarkable love for each other.  She picked up her ten year chip a week before I did.  We have grown in peace of mind, love, respect and compassion for each other.  And we are growing old together.  Every day is one to hold onto.

Getting By

The events of the past month have been unsettling. So much tragedy that I can't wrap my head around it.  So I do what I can to stay insulated by not watching the news, reading the paper, or doing outreach in the community.

I know this isn't good, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is real. Somehow, if I stay in my world, it feels better than constantly rehashing mass murders and the lack of our elected officials to do anything about it.

That the Orlando massacre nearly coincided with the anniversary of the Emanuel church murders in this city was difficult.  And I ask myself, "How many more?". I did not participate in activities planned to honor the dead. I worked on my boat, went to meetings, met with my sponsor, rode the horse and gardened. I feel jaded and tired of the arguing about guns, politics, religion and racial injustice.  Maybe we are moving forward in inches.  I can't see that, and it certainly feels as if we are moving backwards when it comes to giving up hate and divisiveness.

The summer heat has moved in and feels unrelenting.  I do most of my work in the mornings and evenings, otherwise it is unbearable.  Last night, I had terrible leg cramps which I tend to get when I have sweated to the point of dehydration. Irrigation is saving the garden which is producing well.  We are picking blackberries, tomatoes, cucumbers and green beans.

I have learned in recovery to not take things personally, yet I still do that on occasion.  I fight with the notions of rejection and abandonment.  Probably this will be a life long struggle for me.  My father comes to me in dreams. I wait for him and he does not show up. Instead, I find him drinking in a bar, or I walk home and find him drunk at the kitchen table.

In my last dream, I was pouring out bottles of booze while saying the Serenity Prayer.  I awake from these nightmares, shaking and disoriented.  It is PTSD, and I know that the best thing for me to do is to get busy and remember that the dreams are feelings that are coming up, flashbacks to pieces of events from long ago.

Am I happy?  I believe that I am optimistic and reasonably happy.  Some moments are filled with such joy that I feel incredible gratitude.  Other days, I am getting by.  Today is one in which I am getting by.  But that can change if I take some action to make the day better.  I plan on having a good dinner with C. after riding this evening.  Then we will pick blackberries and maybe watch a movie.  I have the ability to make the changes needed to have happiness.

 

A few things on Sunday

I am posting a few thoughts from today:

Been really torn up over our dog dying. Each one hurts, but two so close together was more difficult.

I thought that I saw our dog out of the corner of my eye on his dog bed. Felt a keening sadness and then he was gone. And I feel better. Who knows but perhaps that was his spirit moving on.

I am going on the boat next week. Three days of much needed nothingness except sea and sky and wind.  Heaven to me.

My horse received the silver medal at a show. He is really a star.  I am going to the barn to ride him shortly. Maybe a pasture canter today and no ring work. He deserves everything.

C. has been having stress related restless leg syndrome.  So to relieve this, she works in the garden all day, takes a warm whirlpool bath in the evening, and reads.  I am rest broken from it so when it is bad I sleep in a different room which I am not happy about.  I miss hugging her.

Two years ago I went to Mexico and still think about going back. I would like to camp in the desert.  Maybe soon....

The garden is amazing so far.  Dug potatoes last evening.  Been picking black berries and making healthy shakes from them and strawberries.  A cool spring has helped.

My new sponsee gets it.  I am grateful for that. So much easier to have someone who is willing.

Hope that you have a good Sunday.

A small vacation

I am writing this while eating freshly picked blackberries from the garden.  The fruit is large, and the bushes are heavy with ripening berries. It's a cool spring day, good for being outside.  As usual, I have been keeping busy the garden, the animals and exercising.

Sadly, we lost another dog this week.  It was unexpected and quick: osteosarcoma of the spine. Two vertebrae were engulfed by the tumor.  So we made the decision to euthanize. I sat on the floor cradling him for about an hour and telling him what a good boy he was.

Today, I removed his dog bed from the bedroom. I put his toys away, holding them to my nose to inhale the scent of this much loved boy.  No matter what I am not prepared for them to go.  So we are down to two dogs now, and both of those are seniors.

C. has been away for a small vacation.  I missed her with an ache of loneliness.   Things seemed so empty without her being here.  Yesterday, when I picked her up from the airport, I felt as if I was emerging from a fog created by my being alone and mourning the loss of our dog.

We went by the seafood market to get some soft shell crab for dinner. Tossed them in coconut flour and fried in olive oil, they were delicious.  Soft shells are a delicacy that many people don't appreciate, but growing up on Chesapeake Bay, I was exposed to them and other regional culinary delights when I was a child.  Shad roe fried with scrambled eggs, she crab soup, brined mackerel--all good memories.

I took the senior dogs for a walk on Friday evening and captured some of the beauty of the place where we live.  I hope that you enjoy these.

Spring is here

We are having blustery April weather in the Lowcountry with cool temperatures. Lots of beach erosion with much of the restored beaches losing most of their sand. A foolish enterprise to try to add sand to beaches on barrier islands. The very definition of insanity is to keep doing something over and over again, expecting different results. Yet that is what happens on the tourist inhabited barrier islands.  And then the next northeaster comes along and removes the sand back offshore.

The catkins are falling from the oak trees. We have moved from pollen season to leafy green spring with incredible hues of green.  I wash off the cars and realize that is also insanity because every morning they are covered again with catkins. No need to do anything but let them fall and have the wind blow them off as we drive to town.

We lost another of our dogs last week.  It was unexpected which made it hard on us.  He had gone in for removal of a large interdigital cyst, recovered from the operation, and then two days later began to run a fever.  He died later that afternoon from an occlusion to the mesenteric artery that cut off blood flow to his intestines.  So we have three dogs remaining in our pack.  All are elderly, and we are thinking that we won't get another dog.  I have had dogs all my life and will greatly miss having one, but perhaps it is time to travel more and not suffer the heartache of watching them grow old.  Meanwhile, we love the ones that we have.

I have begun to attend a new meeting (for me) on Monday evenings.  I like it. It is filled with a lot of recovery and good people.  I had promised my sponsor, who died a few years ago, that I would keep our home group on Monday going.  I did my best.  But keeping a meeting going is a collective effort. So my current sponsor and I go to this meeting where there are more people and lots of enthusiasm.  I am eschewing "doing the same thing over and over" in favor of branching out and seeing old friends within the district at this meeting.

C. and I have been busy with the garden and taking time in the evenings to go downtown to some concerts.  The blues concert by the sea was great.  An outdoor venue on a bright afternoon was just the thing. And then going to hear Joan Baez and Greg Allman was also awesome.  We like the smaller venues which definitely make for some great listening and interesting people watching. Sadly at the last concert a woman sitting next to me got very drunk, and her son and husband left early to take her home. Drinking several 16 ounce beers in a short period will do that. I felt bad for her family. I am grateful that I don't have to be the one taking a drunk home anymore.

It is varnishing time on the boat. I am planning on getting a lot of that done before it gets too hot.  This is an annual occurrence--sand, varnish, sand, varnish and then add six more coats of varnish.  A labor of love for a classic boat.

Sending good wishes for your day.

This day in time

Well, today I am securely into middle age.  I slept late this morning. The rain has been pouring since the wee hours.  Now, the skies have cleared, but the wind is strong and cold coming from the north.

C and I had a nice breakfast together.  I am going to head to the barn for a while to see my horse. Later, I am going to roast some oysters for my birthday, have some ribs and celebrate with our handyman who comes out every Sunday to help out. We have known him for over 25 years, and have come to see him as family now.

I thought about how much I miss my parents, C's parents, and all my other relatives who aren't here, except in spirit.  I'm not sad today, just reflecting on the happy times of past birthdays.  And I heard from some of my oldest friends whom I have known since elementary school.  It is a source of comfort to know that some of my long-time best friends are still around, running half marathons, celebrating grandchildren, and working their farms or businesses.  There is stability in that knowledge.

I am planning for this to be a lazy day. I am one year older.  I feel the same.

"Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out." — Mitch Albom (The Time Keeper) 

Getting through the holidays and each day

It's the time of year when so much is going on.  I have spent so little time at the computer. I apologize for not reading blogs.  And because I am truly moving to a point in life that I no longer feel the need to pour out feelings on here, I have thought about moving to another type of social media.

I have Twitter that I use sporadically. Maybe it's time to jump into the whole Facebook thing. But then I think about the ugliness that seems to be prevalent there. We don't have it ugly in our blog world--at least from the point that we aren't ugly to each other.  This is a supportive community and certainly has given me a lot over the years.  I am most appreciative of that.

My stepping into more of an activist role in the community has absorbed a lot of time.  My standing passively by when there is so much injustice happening is not something I can do.  I view this as practicing the principles of Al-Anon in all my affairs, having courage to change the things I can and speaking my truth without fear.  I don't let the problems I see take over my life though. It is important for me to maintain balance.

Regarding balance, we have been invited to quite a few parties this year.  It is quite a change that I used to be nervous about going to parties where alcohol was present. Now C. and I can go without feeling uncomfortable.  Being able to enjoy social settings has made the holidays much more enjoyable than what would happen in times past when I was gripped with anxiety about my wife's drinking.

So many though are struggling with the whole holiday scene.  Here are a few things that we talked about at a meeting this week that will help during the holidays:

• Remember the three C's: that you did not cause the alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
• Detaching myself from the situation. I have an escape plan, a Plan B, in which I remove myself from uncomfortable situations.  I may just leave the room and walk away or if a relapse would occur, then I know to call her sponsor. 
• Doing service work and volunteering to help others. It is an excellent way to get out of your own anxiety and have a good feeling.  There are also meetings and often special events around the holidays. Even if you are traveling, there are local meetings that are being held.  Look them up and go to a meeting. 
• Going back to basics when things get stressful continues to soothe me. I remember that I am powerless over other people, places and things. I am powerless over alcohol.  I say the Serenity Prayer over and over to quiet my mind.  I remember that I may have to break things down to small time intervals by just getting through the next 10 minutes of a bad situation. 
• Not participating in blaming and recriminations helps.  I don't participate in the blame game. Again, the escape plan is useful. If things get out of hand, walk out of the room and calm yourself down so you can go back and enjoy your family.
• Plan in advance for activities. Be aware and honest with what the circumstances may be. If you know it will end badly, stay away, leave or plan for different transportation.
• Be careful and aware. Staying safe is important. Look out for yourself and seek out friends who are supportive. Refusing to get into a car driven by someone who is alcoholically impaired may save your life. 

If you have other ideas on what works for you during the holidays, please post them. I appreciate your thoughts because it is difficult to get through a time of year when expectations run so high.  Keeping my expectations low has helped a lot in not building resentment. 

Thank you for being here.  If any of you would like to share your experience, strength and hope by writing a post, just email me (sydlaughs@att.net). Wishing you the best. 

Some glorious days

Indian summer here with warm days and cool nights. We had a glorious time on the boat. All the usual things of relaxing, cooking, long walks on the beach, and dancing to some good music. 

All thoughts of anything bothering me go away when I am out there. I have long thought that I was made to be a wanderer in my soul--a sojourner looking for the next adventure. But my occasional days on the water will suffice. And when I am back on land I long for the simplicity of the boat. Nothing but the sky and water and sand between my toes. 

I am sharing some photos from this trip out. Short post here. Happiness of spirit. 

A companionway door that I found washed up on the beach. It belongs to a beautiful wooden boat that sank in the summer. Her name was One Love. Sad for such a brilliant piece of Hugh Angelman's handiwork to be lost. But I have a small piece of her safe at home ready for restoration.

The dinghy used to row to shore.

Sun setting on a glorious day.

Night falls

At anchor

Cozy and warm inside

What I have learned in the last month

The weeks have flown by for me. It is nearly October and still muggy and warm here. We are still harvesting from the garden, but the fall vegetables are in and summer plants are just about done.

I have been involved with the group that is dealing with race relations in the aftermath of the Emanuel 12 atrocity (although 9 people were murdered, there were 3 others who survived but were traumatized).  We have regular discussions at lunch once a week, and I hosted another evening event at a restaurant.  Next week, I invited the City Police officers to join us to discuss how to improve relations between the police and the community.

It has been an interesting and enlightening time.  I have met men from the Nation of Islam and have heard about their views on how all white people are "devils".  It is hard to deny our violent past when it comes to Native and African Americans. However, I am also becoming a student of world history in which I realize that so many atrocities have been and are being committed by asians and africans too. Looking at history, the worst mass killings have been done by Asians. Ghenkis Khan: 40,000,000 people in the 13th century, all over Asia and Europe; Mao Zedong: 40,000,000 as well between 1949 -1976. He had people worship him as a god. They thought he was immortal. What a surprise when he died. World War II was also 40,000,000 -- and Japanese people are a significant part of the reason for that number -- both as instigators and as victims.

Certainly, in Africa, tribal wars have been occurring since we became Homo sapiens. However, because they were relatively small and within a smaller area, these are not well known. We DO know that in modern day, post-colonial African, some of the most savage wars known to man have occurred: The Biafran War (1966-70) -- 1,000,000 dead. The nightmare that was the Rwandan War -- within 4 months, the Tutsis had killed 800,00 of their fellow citizens, the Hutus. The horror in Liberia, where tens of thousands of people now live with only one hand: punishment if they wouldn't join the rebel army. The hellish Boko Haran, currently operating in Nigeria. The terrors of South Sudan, now spilling over into Ethiopia (primarily the Muslims killing the Christians). And let's not forget the Middle Easterners: Saddam Hussein -- 1,000,000; Ghadaffi -- probably nearly the same number. And the amount of TORTURE beyond comprehension by the instigators of most of these mass murderers is, unfortunately, well-documented. There is NO single "good" race. So what I have learned is we ALL have the potential for good... and, unfortunately, for evil...

And then I have been involved in more Al-Anon service work at the area (state) level.  That has been an eye opener. I know that we all have character defects, but let me tell you, getting involved in service work on committees at the state level has brought me to a whole new level of understanding.  I keep telling myself: Principles above personalities.  And I stay out of the fray when the emails go flying back and forth with unkind things being written.  I took on a task and am focusing on that, rather than on getting into a pissing contest.  But I can tell you that I have no further aspirations to do further service work higher up than the District.

And so when I feel my serenity slipping away, I take a short vacation on the boat. I returned a couple of days ago from a relaxing time on her.  I go off the grid, read and reflect.  And when I return, I feel ready to get back into this other life I lead in which I deal with people.

This time when I returned I listened to Pope Francis.  And let me tell you, if I were inclined to be religious, I believe that this man could convert me.  To me, he is a transformative person who is kind, compassionate, and, well--Holy. His humility is to be emulated. What a contrast between Papa and the political candidates we have thrust on us through the news media! I found myself in tears listening to Pope Francis.  He is a genuine person of goodness to me.

In other goings on, I continue to ride and enjoy my horse.  He is going to the dressage regional championships which will be a real treat.  I am going as his groom and support team--LOL.  Perhaps within the next six months, I will be showing him too.  The main thing is that we have a great bond. Even my wife loves him.  She has little experience with horses but her visits to see him, bearing gifts of carrots, are filled with joy.  He licks her and she kisses him. What more can a horse want?

Hope that you are all doing well.  I am way out of date with comments on your blogs. Living the life to the fullest here.  And I will catch up soon with each of you. Until then....

Nine years for C.

We are celebrating 9 years of sobriety for C. this week. It's hard to believe time has gone so quickly. And life is better today in so many ways than it was nine years ago. 

I am not going to write much but will share the last few days in photos. We are together in this life until the end. That is love. 

A typical Saturday

A typical Saturday here.  Up fairly early to take the dogs for a walk, check on the weather (hot and humid), have a cup of coffee and a protein shake. Run some thoughts past my SO, telling her about some news on line and getting her thoughts. She remains my touchstone on most of what is important in life.

Taking my time this morning to get to the barn.  It has been oppressively hot with both my horse and me soaking wet after our ride yesterday.  I am going to the barn in a few minutes but am getting a late start today.  Still being lazy on a Saturday it seems.

The local regatta is this weekend.  Lots of people on the water, drinking and carrying on.  I have managed to miss this for the last 20 years.  I think I will get by with missing it again this year.

Later this evening I plan to go for a jog down the long dirt road.  Yesterday,  I waited until nearly nightfall to go for my two mile jog.  I count as I move along the dirt lane. It's an old habit and keeps me in step. Meanwhile, I look at the fire flies (still think of them as lightening bugs) who flash luciferase and increase in numbers as the night comes on.  I heard  something large moving in the forest. Probably a deer and not some predatory animal out to get me.  I carry a small flashlight to watch for snakes when I get to the darkest part of the wooded lane.

I am thinking this morning about more polarizing issues that have come to the surface, inviting us to choose a side. The lion *or* the people murdered in Chattanooga. The woman *or* the unborn child.  I believe that these are false choices. Can we not care about animal abuse *and* people murdered in service of our country, about the unborn child *and* the woman who feels backed into a corner by terrifying circumstances? And can we engage in respectful conversation with those who see things differently? These are serious issues that deserve more than a meme or a smug pronouncement.

My last meeting with the unity group exemplified the problem that not only exists between people of color and whites, but the absolute intolerance of those who think differently from us.  A woman came to the group who is a conservative.  A conversation on the Brady bill lead to several others in the group interrupting her and essentially shutting her down by telling her how wrong she was in her ideas about second amendment rights. It was rude to see how she was treated.  I spoke up, asking those who were most vehement to please let her talk.

Maybe our problem is that we have lost the ability to listen to each other because we are so entrenched in our own rightness?  I spoke with her afterwards and she said that she would come back if I were there.  Another woman I know has quit the group because she felt uncomfortable about being asked to let another talk without interruption.  I am reminded again and again that those of us who are working a program of introspection in recovery seem to be aware and accepting. It is still difficult to be out there among those who are not. Whatever...I doubt we will solve any problems but the view and the lunches are good.

And then there are the boys lost at sea off Florida.  What a sad thing.  I knew that they were gone as soon as the boat was found without them.  The ocean is a tough place.  How do you live with such a loss? No closure really. Tragically gone.

Well, I am going to get into my boots and head to the barn.  Nothing like horse smell to make me happy.

Hope that your Saturday is going well.

Heating up

The rain that I have waited for came last evening.  A good soaking rain to refresh the vegetation and wet the earth on the dirt road.  A good southern thunderstorm that turned the horizon dark, followed by wind, thunder, lightening, and finally rain.

We had just finished up trimming box woods and working in the garden.  It felt good to get soaked to the skin.  The heat has been oppressive for the past week.  I have begun riding very early in the morning or after sunset in the evening.  And then I only ride for about 45 minutes because we are both soaked by then.

I find the best part of being with my horse is giving him a bath.  He likes to hold the hose in his mouth while I gently put pressure on the nozzle to give him water. He is quite a character, and we get along well.

C. and I went on a tomato picking excursion and came home with three 10 gal buckets filled.  We proceeded to make marinara sauce with large bubbling pots cooking on the stove. It took us all day to process the tomatoes into sauce. We froze the sauce and will no doubt appreciate it this winter.

So many tomatoes and a lot were already rotting on the ground. 

Our picking within 30 minutes

Love that "pales" were $5

Lots of tomatoes to process

I couldn't help but think as we were picking those tomatoes that the ones rotting on the ground would feed a lot of people.  It is a shame to see them go to waste. I wish that farmers would consider having a sale price for picking or maybe a free day so that produce would be used instead of wasted.

I have gone to two meetings with the unity Courage Campaign group that is trying to get people talking to each other who are from different backgrounds. So far, we have just been talking to those of similar attitudes.  I honestly don't see how we are going to get those who have opposing ideas to get together using the lunch format.  So I am going to organize a pot luck dinner out on the island at the Community Center. Hopefully, we will be able to have more thought provoking discussions by stepping out of our comfort zone.

And about talking --- The KKK and the New Black Panthers had a rumble in the state capitol on Saturday.  Several people were injured.  Lots of screaming and hurling of racial epithets. Some columnists say that we are headed for a race war. I certainly hope not, but there is a great deal of unrest.   I did not go to the rally because  I don't think much good would come from standing out in the heat being caught between two groups of people who intensely dislike each other.  Heat and dislike are bad combinations.

I have been jogging again on our country road.  Each way is a mile so I get 2 miles in each evening.  It isn't a great distance at all, but between riding and working out at the gym, I stay in good physical shape.  I enjoy the physical challenge, although Aleve liquid gels have become a daily friend to me.

The road to home.

 Hope that you all are doing well.  Looks like the entire country is in a heat wave. Stay cool.

Sunflower field near our house. 

A courage campaign

I can see how life comes full circle.  Maybe it is something that happens to all of us.  When I was a young man in the midst of the marches on DC,  I felt on fire with the injustice and was filled with righteous indignation.  Now I see social injustice coming to the forefront of my mind again.  I don't feel righteous indignation as much as compassion to help mend the divide that is happening.

So, I have decided that it is time to move from being an arm chair looker at the restless times that are happening in this state, and join a unity movement that hopefully will gain momentum.  It started at the grass roots level here in this city where the Emanuel murders occurred, and has now grown into a state wide idea to get people of diverse backgrounds talking to each other.  Really talking--not just making pleasantries. One of the ways to do this is to eat together and talk about what we think and feel in the three weeks after the nine were murdered.

This is like having an Al-Anon meeting in a way: we meet strangers and a few people we know, share from the heart without fear, and listen to what others have to say while having a meal together.  It's called a Courage Campaign.  I am going to my first lunch get together today.  I don't see this as courage as much as being a part of healing by sharing what is in my heart and on my mind.

The division within this state since the murder of the Emanuel Nine has slowly eroded the good feelings of unity that happened after the shootings.  I listened to the debates at the state house over the removal of the Confederate battle flag.  I read hate filled comments on social media.  And I could see that the lines are firmly entrenched, just as they were on the battlefields some 150 years ago.

My ancestors fought in the Civil War.  Most came home according to written history.  One died of wounds.  My great grandfather was wounded twice at Gettysburg but managed to get back to Virginia.  I don't know what kind of people they were in terms of how they viewed the war or slavery. What I do know is that none of the letters I have from after the war, mention it at all.  It is as if that terrible time did not exist but was replaced with a desperate desire for normalcy of business and family.

What kind of horror my ancestors saw, I can only imagine.  Did they still see the blood from the musket and bayonet in later years?  I don't know.  None of that was passed down in oral or written history.  I have photos of one great grandfather as an old man sitting with a long grey beard.  His eyes are piercing.  I wish I knew his thoughts on whether his fighting was worth the blood and the death of hundreds of thousands.

Maybe the best way to determine that is to look at those family members that I did know.  My mother was an example of a person who was against segregation. I remember being with her when she greeted the first black lady who attended the church.  The higher church officials walked out, but my mother talked to and shook hands with the lady who walked into that church to integrate it.  Some how that seems courageous to me--to be the first to attend an all white church and to be one of few who greeted her.

And my father was a Democrat with a strong dislike of Nixon and Reagan. He once told me that it was important to treat everyone fairly and to not judge a person by color.  I had good teachers in my formative years about treating people well and without prejudice.  I didn't grow up with hatred for someone who was "different" from me.

Nonetheless, I am sure that prejudice was there in some form among my ancestors.  It may not have been overt, but perhaps it was simply a "separation" of space and heart and social mores.  But I want to do something now to provide space and heart and consciousness and unity as best I can.  I can't make up for the past, but this small effort of a Courage Campaign may be a good start.

You touch my life

I have once again been busy and have neglected this blog.  I feel as if I am repetitive because I am doing the same things that I have been doing for quite some time: going on the boat, working out, gardening, riding my horse, going to meetings, and generally having a wonderful life with my wife.

But I am often think of you out there who are writing and sharing. You have touched my life in many ways.  I just learned that fellow blogger, Cheryl H., over at Through an Al-Anon Filter died on April 22.  I started reading Cheryl's blog when she first began blogging.  Her death reminded me of how connected we are to each other.  Although we haven't met in person, we get to know each other through our writings and the special sharing that we have.  I know that those of you who read this blog know more about me than many people that I know in person.  That is an amazing thing to contemplate.  And when one of us dies, I feel a great sense of loss.  And when others stop writing without explanation, I wonder how they are and what they are doing.

I can tell you that life for me is good.  Spring has come to the Lowcountry.  The garden and grounds are beautiful with flowers and shrubs.  We have brought in lettuce and radishes for salads.  The pasture is amazing with buttercups.  So much beauty surrounds me.

And the weather has begun to cooperate for going on the boat.  I just returned from three days of being at the island anchorage.  I come back refreshed and ready to tackle what ever comes my way.  

My horse is a source of much joy.  My wife feeds him carrots and apples.  He has a birthday this week, and we are having a little party in his honor with an actual cake that the horses can eat.  There will be one for humans too.  

I do attribute much of what I feel to having been in Al-Anon.  It has helped me to lighten up, let go of trying to control others, and find joy in life.   My changed attitude is a result of recovery.  It is hard for me to remember how I was before being in Al-Anon.  But this blog documents the journey.  Thank you for being along with me for the ride. 

Taking time to breathe

Time has slipped away from me once again in a string of days.  I am having the time of my life.  Not being in a demanding job has freed me up in a lot of ways. I'm no longer scheduled in my life.  Blogging used to be on a schedule of a daily write.  I don't feel the need to do that anymore.  And I don't feel guilty. Well....maybe a little because I wonder what each of you is doing and if you are okay. 

My hobbies of sailing and riding and working out at the gym keep me physically fit and sane.  My service in Al-Anon keeps me spiritually fit in a compassionate and humble way.  And I have the usual life stuff to do like car maintenance, yard work, gardening, house chores--I hate calling them honey do's because I live here and share the house with an amazing person so I am glad to do my part in our partnership.  

I love everything I do, but I also need time to not do anything and just be. The boat is my best escape for that.  No people around--just me, the waves and the wind. If I don't get that time to myself, then I can feel the gypsy soul take over. I need the recharge time to be the free spirit that I now embrace.  

Having been a driven scientist for decades, I hardly know that person now.  Who was that guy? He thought that what he was working on was the most important thing.  He had to publish a certain number of papers every year and get multiple grants.  He had to do a lot of administrative BS that felt like sheer drudgery. He sat in an office overlooking a beautiful harbor and hardly ever looked out the window.  Most every day, he was tied to the computer, analyzing data and writing.  It was hard to shake off the harness and simply be free. Add to that the stress of living with an alcoholic, and life was not a lot of fun.  

I now take time to breathe.  I have space in my life now.  I make the space and the time to do what I feel is good for my mental and spiritual health.  I don't know how long I will have the stamina to keep sailing, riding, and cross train. I am hoping that I have at least 20 good years left.  But I don't know about any of that.  I just have this day that's ahead of me.  And it seems good and filled with promise.  

I hope that you have some breathing room in your life.  Some time to just be and refuel your purpose and your spirit. 

Peace and love on a dreary day

It's another rainy day--one among many this month.  The ground and fields are so saturated that large chasms have been cut on the dirt lane from sheet flow of water that gushes over the cross drains and ditches.

All of the pastures have standing water.  It's colic season for horses because the temperatures are fluctuating between the low 40's to nearly 70 F tomorrow.  My horse's hoof abscess is long healed, and he is healthy and apparently happy. Sadly, his stablemate had to be put down due to severe cellulitis.  The loss of this beautiful animal has had all of us out of sorts, sad and concerned.  His owner has taken this very hard.  I doubt if she will get over this any time soon, if ever.  I am reminded that these large animals who have such power are really such fragile creatures.

When I ventured out in the yard this morning, I saw a few signs of Spring.  Some brave daffodils are blooming, as are the forsythia and camellias.

But most of the beautifully landscaped yard is brown and the plants look forlorn. I know that soon enough budding and regrowth will occur.  But today I am staying close to the fire and warmth of the house.  I had wanted to get to the garden to put in some more seeds.  With the rain pouring down, it seems unlikely that will happen today.

Tomorrow C. and I are going to a concert.  This is the first one in a long time.  I am sure that there will be a lot of middle aged folks like us there.  The band is Pink Floyd Experience.  We both wish that we had seen the original Floyd back in the day but since that didn't happen, we are going to see this tribute band that is supposed to be quite good.

I have some particularly interesting memories of rock concerts.  Some were fairly tame while others such as a particularly raucous one at American University in DC, were drug and drunk fests.  I was too young for Woodstock but this had to be a microcosm of what happened there.  Aside from smoking some weed on occasion, I wasn't into drugs or alcohol.  A young woman standing next to me, freaked out on acid, had to be carried out.

I wonder what happened to all those hippies.  Are they still going to rock concerts? Are they old addicts/alcoholics or working on Wall Street?  Do they still care about peace and love? A lot of idealism was part of our culture then.  I prefer that to the blatant hatred that seems to be the overriding sentiment among so many today.

Anyway,  time for me to get back to reading and maybe taking a nap.  I think watching the fire is going to be a good way to spend this dreary afternoon.

Happenings

I thought that I had better catch up here.  As usual, my excuse for not writing is that I have been incredibly busy and for the most part enjoying every day.  My birthday came and went.  It was a good day spent at a riding clinic, having lunch with horse friends and having a great dinner with my wife.  I had few expectations as birthdays go, but what resulted was delightful.

I spent three days on my sailboat during my birthday week, enjoying a few days of good weather in which the sun actually shone.  It was my escape to serenity-- a temple for me to rest, read, cook, and bask in the sun.  I came back feeling totally relaxed and rejuvenated.

On Sunday, I went for a 7.5 mi trail ride on my fancy dressage horse. He handled the woods, the scary farm machinery, the wide open dirt road--all of it, like he was born to trail ride. The ladies riding with me were impressed by his calmness and his being so level headed.  Every day I go to see him, he greets me with a soft nicker.  My wife is quite taken with him also.

On a more somber note, a young local high school student has died over an altercation with a fellow student about a Snap Chat message sent to his girlfriend.  The kid visiting his girlfriend told the other fellow to come over and he would kill him.  So the young man went over and was stabbed in a fight. Both are from affluent families, no drugs involved, and were not in trouble before. Now one is dead and the other is messed up for life.  I don't understand the anger that drives a 16 year old to kill a 17 year old over anything, much less a phone message.

I don't know about you, but we settled things in a civilized manner--no fights, no knives, no guns.  Parents have so much to worry about these days. Drugs and alcohol, and more guns and violence than ever before.  It is a tough world out there.  And I often wondered how I made it this far--maybe because when I was a kid, I feared my father's wrath more than anything else; and as a teenager, I decided that not much was worth dying over.  And that attitude carried into college, although I did some reckless things. And for some reason, I am still alive. I feel a great deal of sorrow for the parents who are suffering the horrible death of their child and for the parents who are dealing with the horror of what their son did.

My little home group has been struggling with low numbers of people attending. Several meetings in the area have closed.  I wonder if this is simply a reflection of the time of year or does it bode problems for an aging fellowship.

Certainly, the number of those with substance abuse problems has risen.  And that means that a lot of families and friends of alcoholics/addicts are suffering from the effects of the disease.  But are they trying to tough this out alone?  I hope that they are getting some kind of help to cope with the anxiety, anger and fear of living with an alcoholic/addict.  They certainly aren't pouring into the rooms of Al-Anon around here.  What really matters to me is that people get some kind of help because it is a very lonely thing to deal with alcoholism/addiction on your own.

I hope that all is going well with you.  I think of you and will catch up some this week.

What's been happening here

It has been cold here for the last few days.  I went to the boat to spend the night in the worst of it.  And there was ice on the inside of the V berth bronze porthole when I awoke on Thursday morning.  I fired up the propane heater and the oven which helped to bring the temperature up to 70 F.

The cold would likely have killed a little puppy that I picked up off the highway when I was heading home on New Year's Day.  I had been to the gym in the early evening.  As I was turning onto our dirt road from the tarmac, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.  It was a puppy, scared and a bit wet from coming out of the field ditch.  I brought the little one home, fed him, and picked about a dozen ticks off.  We both thought that he was the smartest pup because he did not once use his crate for pooping or peeing.

I sent emails to the local vets and rescue groups with his cute photo.  Several people called about him. Last night, he was adopted by a couple who seem to be a good fit for the puppy.  As with any animal, I told them that if he didn't work out, to bring him back.  He definitely is adorable and very smart.

Sadly, there is tragedy already started so quickly in 2015.  Sickening world news of senseless killing, martyrdom, and all the other crazy happenings that make me want to retreat to the island, boat or barn and isolate. 

And locally, a man who I have known for over 30 years lost his only son to suicide on January 6.  The young man, age 22 was a senior in college, and had been distraught because of a breakup with his girlfriend.  I cannot begin to imagine this kind of pain for the parents or the kind of despair that the son felt to want to die.  

And I keep thinking to myself that I am lucky to be here. To have survived this long in spite of so many things that might have also taken me down.  I hope that my luck in living continues.  And I hope that those who are in despair today will find some comfort eventually.  I remain upbeat today.  Happy to be healthy and to have a lot of living to do.   

I am not in·val·id

I am home from my journey. And I must say that the celebration of life far exceeded any that I could have imagined. There were many people there, some I knew but had not seen for decades and some that I had not met before.  Each person that I talked with had fond memories of my cousin.  I heard from them that he was a good neighbor, friend, golf partner, party guy back in the day, and highly regarded within his profession.

His wife did a fantastic job of having old photos scattered about.  And the memory book in which each person wrote of their remembrances of my cousin was touching.

But the reading of a letter to all of us by his wife was the most profound. She read about what their life had been like and that he wanted us to know that he was not an invalid nor was he in·val·id in any way during his illness.  And his words: "And so--I was not and am not an invalid. No one has to be. Invalid is an illusion. If you ever find yourself labelled as such, try to invalidate the judgment and seize the opportunity to discover your personal light to help heal every particle and cell on this planet. Start with granting yourself Forgiveness, Peace, and Unconditional Love: these qualities lead to physical and spiritual healing."

So I am glad that I went. I am glad that I shared laughter in memories of him. I feel as if the afternoon was filled with goodness--good people, good times, good food, good memories.

I will keep remembering his words that I am not in·val·id.  I will call that up when I feel small and cast aside in some ways. No I am not in·val·id.

I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you. ~Walt Whitman

Another week gone before I can blink

The weather has finally turned to fall here.  I was out on the boat for several days this week and have to say that it was something that I have missed.  The boat is my sanctuary, my place to get away from anything complicated. Sometimes there are unexpected visitors who just pass by and say "hello".

The only complication that I have had in the last week was having a kidney stone which was a terrible pain.  I've not had the pleasure of dealing with that before and hope to not have one again.  I went to the ER because the pain came on suddenly late in the evening.  And I could not stop vomiting after each wave of pain.  Anyway, I am okay now.  The ER doc told me it was like the pain experienced by women in childbirth.  I have a new appreciation for that level of pain.

The winter garden is finally in.  It is a great relief to have the tired summer plants removed and the winter ones in the ground.  It takes a lot of work to maintain things around here.  The older we get the more it seems to take too.

The service for my friend and mentor was a high Catholic funeral mass. I had just gotten out of the ER and was still feeling dopey from the pain medications they had given me.  When the priest said that my friend was gone forever from this life--laughter gone, voice gone, smiles gone--well, I had to smile because I have voice messages on my phone wishing me a happy birthday last year and other messages that I like to listen to.  And I have the memories of our time spent together.  Gone from sight is true but living on in my memory as long as possible.

Today, we are going to an oyster roast which should be a good time.  It's the first one of the season.  We are enjoying all that Fall brings. We have had several fires in the outdoor fireplace, and last night had dinner on the deck sitting around the fire.  Life is going smoothly right now.  I am glad that there is peace and quiet in my little world.  I keep hoping that will extend outward as I do my part to convey the happiness that I feel inside.