The girl in the pink tutu

She looked ridiculous with the black tights, the pink tutu, the tight top and the knit cap pulled down over her black-rimmed eyes.  As she puffed on her cigarette, she gave little darting glances at the people standing around her.

She said later that she was 13 years old. Both of her parents were alcoholic, leaving her to fend for herself at a young age.  She relished the time alone because it meant that the house wasn't filled with yelling.  She would retreat into her own world.

Going to school was hard. No one understood her. She decided that the didn't fit in with others, except for a few of the wounded that hung out together.  This group of misfits who wore black, had long hair, smoked, and wore chains were the ones that she felt most comfortable around. 

She thought that she might be pregnant when she was twelve.  Her boyfriend was 17.  The older boys were the ones that she liked.  They had cars,  were exciting, and liked her. She had been sexually active for a while but at 13 having a baby was the last thing that she wanted. When her period finally came, she yelled with joy that she was bleeding from her vagina.  She kept saying this over and over in a sing song voice.

When her parents decided to sober up,  they got wise to her.  They noticed the defiance, the sullen looks, the smoking and the frantic texting from her phone.  It was as if they were seeing an alien.  She didn't look 13 but much older.  Her eyes were hard. They wondered where the little girl had gone.  

As she gripped the podium in the room full of people, she said that she was nervous.  Her self esteem was getting better because after all, she had worn a pink tutu today.

The wounds don't go away.  But I am learning where I am accepted and know that there are safe places and people who I can talk to.  I'm beginning to heal.  And the old feelings, the old wounded part of me, doesn't have as much power in my life any more.  I have friends now who had alcoholic parents too.  Growing up, the only emotion I ever saw freely expressed was my parents' rage.  Eventually, all I felt was rage as well, but  I raged without knowing why. 

Here everybody loves me, but that isn't based on whether or not they like me. I kept coming back to this 'lame' place because no matter who I was inside I felt accepted and that was a feeling I needed. This was a place that I was given permission to cry and wasn't judged for it. Because of this, I kept coming back. In the beginning I was lost, but now I feel better about myself. If I stop going, I will find myself back in the starting place and that is a bad situation. Alateen speaker

Impressions from the convention

The theme of the state convention was Seeking a Balanced Life. I heard some excellent speakers.

The AA speaker Dick A. had a good message that was filled with humor. He spoke about doing God's will in the best way I can given the gifts I was given.

I thought about that quite a bit and decided that one of the gifts I can share will be to become certified as an Alateen sponsor. I could see that the behavior of the Alateens reflected the alcoholic household they grew up in. There are more Alateen meetings needed in our area. We have no children but perhaps there will be a way to extend a hand to those young people who, like me,were affected by someone else's drinking. It is a strong feeling that I have that God is directing me to help these troubled kids.

The convention was held at the beach. So I'll share a few other photos from this inspiring weekend.

There is something that bothers me

On Friday, I received an email from a member in Al-Anon. It included a letter from his 10 year old daughter to the mother who has had a difficult time staying sober. The man wrote that he wanted to share what the daughter had written to the mother who is currently in rehab.

I don't feel good about posting large excerpts from her letter. But in the letter, the daughter said that her dad had told her that her mom was going to kill herself. She explains that it felt "like a bomb hit her heart". She goes on to write that she has spent months wondering where her mother is, wondering why her mom stole from her, and why her mom can't stay sober.

The daughter writes that she can't relate to anyone at school because she can't tell anyone how she feels. She can't forgive her mother for the lies, lies to her and to her father. She writes of her sadness that she doesn't have a mom who can brush her hair.

Her admonition in the letter is that the behavior around alcohol makes her father sad. He cries at times. The child asks, "Do you want to do this to your husband? What happened to the person you were?"

Finally, the letter ends with the daughter expressing love for her mom, but that she doesn't want to communicate anymore if alcohol is chosen over her and her father.

This is obviously a letter filled with pain. The picture that I got from this is one in which the daughter is angry, sad, and disturbed. I wrote back to the husband who I know from meetings. I wrote that it seems that the daughter would benefit from working with an Alateen sponsor. There is an informative pamphlet for Alateen - I think it is "If your parents drink too much?"

What I find really sad is that the daughter feels that she needs to be a buffer between the mom and dad. This is so typical of a child trapped in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. Somehow, the child needs help to see that her mother has a miserable disease that no one can control or cure, except for her.

I decided that I would keep the family in a special spot in my God box. It takes time to believe in the first three steps but a keen awareness of the presence of a Higher Power helps me to get through the tough stuff. Sometimes He just lets things stew - then He steps in and cleans house.

I think that there were a couple of things besides the pain that bothered me. The first was that I don't know how wise it is for the 10 year old to be told that her mother tried to kill herself. There are just some things that seem too harsh to reveal. Maybe that is just my fear surfacing, but it felt as if the child was a pawn in the family duel.

I also have come to realize that I had to quit blaming the alcoholic for everything. That's where Alateen would have helped me so many years ago. I'm hoping that somehow this family will begin to heal.

Heading home

I got home around 4 PM this afternoon. Amazingly enough, I wasn't too tired so decided to make the 7 PM meeting that I've missed for several weeks. We talked about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. The discussion came from the Alateen book. Once again the discussion was a reminder that this is a family disease, not just because there is a genetic component but mainly because it affects everyone in the family.

It was good to see the people from my home group and talk with my sponsor. He stayed after the meeting to just catch up on how I was doing.

I guess that I'm doing fairly well, although it seems that there was an abundance of uptight stuff on this cruise. People who take themselves way too seriously. People who are unhappy and miserable with life at sea for long periods. I guess that I was ready to get away from the people there and return home. One of the things that I shared was that on the night that we got into port, I walked over to the bar across the street just before closing and had a couple of drinks. I know it was my response to pent up feelings. And because of using the rationale of unwinding, I can see easily how it would be tempting to slam down a few more and just keep going. The wanting to use alcohol to unwind though was the feeling that made me think how it must be for the alcoholic. The difference is that I stopped after two. Other than that, I would say that maybe I need to get back in touch with my HP and turn over a lot of the feelings that I harbored on this trip.

What I'm grateful for is that tonight I'm sleeping in my own bed and not a hard bunk. I'm seeing the people that I love and not a bunch of strangers. I'm writing to all of you in a quiet location rather than a crowded lab on a ship. I'm also letting go of the bad stuff in my head, breathing easy, and thankful that I don't have to go back out for a week. Not much else to say. I'm starting to wind down now and needing to get some rest.