Tuning out chaos and hate

I have seriously gotten to the point where I am sick of reading and hearing about politics in this country.  I once liked to listen to news, but over the past year I have tuned it out.  I don't even read the newspaper on a daily basis, but prefer to catch up when I can.  Nothing but the same old stuff to read anyway.  And the media are like vultures waiting for the next blood letting to occur.  So I am shutting it out.

I know that I don't have to be in the thick of political discussions, but no matter where I go, it seems to come up.  Even on a trail ride yesterday where there was so much peace, a friend started talking about Muslims and not knowing what had happened to their religion.  I kept my mouth shut.  I don't need to get into a conversation that is going to end up polarized.  And I know that I am not going to change any minds.

One of the good things about practicing the principles of Al-Anon is that I can use them as a guide to life outside of the rooms.  And now, more than ever, I am glad that I have those principles.  Things like "How important is it?", "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut", "Take what I like and leave the rest", "THINK", and "Live and let live" come to mind.  I can tune out the chaos and the hate.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been asked to sponsor another fellow who just began in Al-Anon.  He recently separated from his alcoholic wife and is having a hard time.   The same aspects of behavior that I had are there: guilt, shame, anger, fear, obsession, anxiety.  But I know that we can work through all of these together.  I have seen it happen a number of times.  A sad person becomes a powerful person.  Willingness and trust is all it takes for us to walk together in recovery over the next months.  He seems willing and trust will come.  More will be revealed as we move forward in the steps.

I am seeing signs of spring here.  The azaleas are blooming.  The garden is looking good.  This winter has been mild for which I am glad.  I am going on the boat next week. With temperatures in the 70's, it is time to get on the water.   I hope that you are all doing well.

Rainy Easter Weekend

I have been off the grid for about four days on the boat.  My wife and I decided that it was a good time to spend a few days away.  The weather wasn't good with small craft advisories.  We decided to go anyway and enjoyed relaxing anchored at one of our favorite secluded spots.  The magic of being on the water never ceases to amaze me.

I went to see my first sponsor on Thursday. He was doing well that day and was waiting for me to arrive.  We sat outside for about an hour before going into the elegant dining room for dinner. He seemed to enjoy the visit. I have to say that I am dreading the day when he is gone from my life.  I can accept that his decision is to not continue with chemotherapy.

I re-read some of Dr. Sherwin Nuland's book on How We Die.  I need to read the words: “The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. This is a form of hope we call all achieve, and it is the most abiding of all. Hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been.” And then this: “But the fact is, death is not a confrontation. It is simply an event in the sequence of nature's ongoing rhythms. Not death but disease is the real enemy, disease the malign force that requires confrontation. Death is the surcease that comes when the exhausting battle has been lost. Even the confrontation with disease should be approached with the realization that many of the sicknesses of our species are simply conveyances for the inexorable journey by which each of us is returned to the same state of physical, and perhaps spiritual, nonexistence from which we emerged at conception. Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end.” I needed the reminder that treating a metastasized disease like stage 4 lung cancer is not an option for some people whose quality of life isn't good on chemo.

I missed a week of meetings. I've noticed that some of the meetings which were filled up last year have fewer people in attendance.  Some meetings lose their flavor over time and attendance drops.  I received an email recently from a person who was concerned about one of her meetings dwindling in attendance. She wrote: "We are sometimes too small a group, and although we talked about this at a group conscience, the only change was that someone new agreed to do some service, but we just have so few people attending regularly. And I'm starting to feel overly responsible. I think the group is not being self-supporting, in a way. Those who do go regularly have told their own stories a lot, and it's starting to feel stale, to me. If you have any experiences with working through this in a group or suggestions about changing the format to make it work better for a small group, I'd really like to hear about them."

My home group is small, with about 6-8 people on average each week. We use a format of a step of the month study, a tradition of the month study, a literature topic, and an open discussion meeting each month.  It doesn't seem to get stale because we use a variety of conference approved literature.

In meetings that need rejuvenation, it's a good idea to have a group representative who attends the district meetings and can report on the health of the group.  If a meeting needs some help, other member groups in the district could attend and perhaps add an influx of new topics.  I am an advocate of being the change that you want to see in a meeting. Chairing meetings, bringing in guest speakers, and having the district representative attend are ways to add new life to meetings.

When I think about how many people are affected by someone else's drinking, it would seem that meetings would be overflowing.  That isn't often the case. For the past few days, I've been taking calls on the Al-Anon information service phone line.  A lot of people are calling in to find out about meetings and wanting to know how to get help for their loved ones.  The idea that Al-Anon is going to provide help in curing the alcoholic is a pretty common one. Explaining that Al-Anon is for those affected by another's drinking seems to be something that is hard for some to grasp.  But one of the great things about Al-Anon is that our changed attitudes towards the alcoholic can aid recovery.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  We have been invited to brunch by a sailing friend. The rain continues to come down.  It has made the trees and bushes burst out in full leaf flush.  The catkins have been washed to the ground along with the oak pollen.  Spring has arrived here.

What a week

Well, we had a glorious time on the boat over the weekend. My sweetheart had a great birthday dinner on Thursday evening followed by a play at one of the city theaters. On Friday, we cast off lines and headed up the coast to one of the more beautiful barrier islands. It is noted for its "boneyard" of trees that have fallen due to storms and the shifting sands of a barrier island.

We shared the island with about 35 Scouts from a nearby troop.  They were camped in a tent city on the windward side of the island, while we were anchored away from the inlet and a bit in the lee.

We had walks on the beach and cooked Saturday night's dinner over a campfire. It was so relaxing to be there and enjoy the view and the rocking of the boat.  I have said this before--I could spend weeks on end doing cruising, dropping the hook whenever I am ready, and exploring new places.

Things got a bit more complex after getting home.  My wife had eye surgery yesterday.  It was scheduled, and she is doing well.  My first sponsor was admitted to the hospital again with breathing difficulties. He has a serious diagnosis so sending good thoughts his way would be much appreciated.

The complications came about because he has his beloved dog and cat living in his apartment. It has been a terribly hard decision for him, but he has decided to give up his animals because he can no longer take care of them due to his illness. Many phone calls and text messages were made to find homes for them. I am amazed at the wonderfully supportive network of people who love animals. It warmed my heart to know that people were willing to drive for 5 hours to get the dog, a greyhound that he adopted through a rescue group.  I needed some restoration of good will in fellow humans.

I am feeling a lot of concern about my sponsor.  But I know that he is being taken care of in the hospital. Things happen so quickly with illnesses.  One day a person is doing okay, and the next there is some life-threatening illness occurring. I have learned how important it is to have all affairs in order.  One never knows.

I had my own appointment yesterday.  Last week, I had a "thunderclap" headache after doing a Cross Fit workout. It came on so quickly and was so stunningly painful that I could barely move.  Thankfully, the terrible pain subsided after about two minutes. And gradually the headache went away after an hour.  The trainer thought that the episode needed evaluating, so I saw my doctor yesterday.  I am getting a CT scan next week. I am sure that I am okay, but it doesn't hurt to check. Thunderclap headaches can be associated with blood leakage in vessels in the brain. Nothing to mess around with.

Today, my wife goes in for her post-operative checkup.  She is tired from the anesthesia.  But we hope to have lunch after the appointment and then come home to relax.  Both of us are ready to sail away again!

I am thankful for the calmness that I have learned through Al-Anon.  So many of these things would have had me in knots years ago. I still have concerns but realize that panic isn't an option.

Hope that your week is stress free. Or at least the stress is manageable. Later....

There are no "musts"?

In Al-Anon, I often hear that there are no “musts”. Nobody tell others what to do about a situation. Newcomers are suggested not to make any major decisions during the first six months after coming to Al-Anon, simply because as we keep coming back and begin to get better, our perspective and attitudes change.

In healthy meetings, no one tells any one else what to do.  No one person is supposed to dominate.  And I've learned by working with those I sponsor that I can't enforce the unenforceable.

But I do know that if people are to get better and approach anything like serenity, half measures won't work. Half measures don't avail us half results; "half measures avail us nothing" (from Alcoholics Anonymous).  I heard this in a meeting a while ago: "I have to tell you from my 4 years of Half-Assing and No Musting, I think the folks that Get In, Do It, and Get Better are a WHOLE Lot Smarter than I found myself to be."

So my recovery was contingent on my working the whole program, not to cherry-pick the pieces that I liked. My sponsor told me what had worked for him and thousands of others. I took his suggestion to heart and action.  When I got stuck on a step, he described how he had gotten unstuck from the same step. 

I hear people in meetings talk about working the steps on their own. It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us.  As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully.  

Also, I didn't want to intellectualize serenity.  I wanted a spiritual solution. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with.  And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor or a spiritual mentor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. 

I heard at the Al-Anon Convention this year a member say, "There are no musts in Al-Anon ... unless you want to heal and then there are twelve."

Freeze and Thaw

We survived the great ice storm here.  It was beautiful for a couple of days--a chance to hibernate inside with a warm fire going.  There is something so comfortable about winter and the tendency to pull inside and enjoy the quiet.

Over the last week, we have had the freeze, then the thaw with great chunks of ice falling from the trees.  One of the main bridges to the town where I keep my boat was closed due to icing.  Once it was opened, I was able to travel to the boat to make sure all was okay. I listened to the ice fall from the rigging to the deck.  And the bridge was closed again because ice was falling from 200 feet and crashing through car windshields.

I am meeting up with a fellow I sponsored for about a year and a half tomorrow. He emailed me a couple of days ago saying that he wanted to meet because he been withholding some feelings, which doesn't seem fair or honest.  He doesn't want to "drop a bomb" on me, and would like to be positive and work it out, if I will hear him out.  I'm not at all sure what this is about.  I called and left a message for him to call me, but he hasn't done that and continues to text me about when to get together.  I somehow feel that a bomb will be dropped but will hear him out.  And I will look at my part in whatever is bothering him.  I'm keeping a positive feeling about this as he and I have had a close relationship in the past.

The new fellow that I am working with seems to be hanging on to a lot of self-pity, but we are moving on in our step work.  I know where he is coming from because I have felt wronged and discarded many times.  We are moving forward in a positive direction though.

Lastly, I felt a lot of sadness about the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman from an apparent heroin overdose.  The disease is waiting and doesn't seem to take a day off.  Such a sad ending for anyone.

Hope all of you are doing well. I can't seem to get much time as I would like to visit blogs and comment.  Hope to make up for that this week, although I will be on the boat from Wednesday through Friday.

Moving right along

The backyard landscaping project is coming along. The walkway and patio are installed, and next week the fireplace will be built. I am looking forward to having the first fire out there.  We have plenty of wood stored from the death of an old water oak in the spring.  Months later, we finally finished splitting and storing it.  

I was on the boat for a few days this week.  It was as windy as I've seen it and cold.  The boat was covered in salt spray so I gave her a good rinse down yesterday.  Thankfully, I was able to stay warm with the propane heater going and a heavy double comforter with flannel sheets. 

I have met with a new fellow I'm sponsoring several times over the last week. We are managing to get past the constant focusing on the alcoholic and are actually beginning to talk about what his actions are and how unmanageable his life is.  I don't know how it's going to go when I sponsor a new person.  Some are willing, some say they are willing but aren't, and some simply give up before any work is done.  So far this fellow appears to be willing to do the work. 

Trust is something that has to be established as part of a relationship between a sponsor and sponsee.  I can feel that trust is being established as we talk and share with each other.  I have been a trusting person all my life.  It's odd that only in recent years have I learned to be more discerning about who I trust. 

And I know that to a couple of people, I let them down.  They trusted me to be who they wanted me to be, and I failed by being someone else who was imperfect.  I have made amends to them for my part.  That's about all I can do. Maybe one of these days, the realization will come that none of us is without defects of character. 

In the mean time, I keep moving along in a positive direction.  Discussions with the landscaper today were about the plants that we are going to put in along the new walkways in the backyard.  Discussion with the new sponsee were about letting go of old ways and developing a new plan for living life.  The magic of growing. It all feels good to me.  

Back home again

I made it back home on Friday.  And I was happy to be back.  I seem to do okay for about four days away and then am ready to get back home. I seemed to run out of things that I wanted to do.  I saw everyone that I wanted to see, drove where I wanted to go, took a lot of photos and was done.

It was a happy time to see my wife and the animals.  Every time I come home, the dogs and cats seem to think that I've only been gone for a few hours. They thump tails and purr, but are relaxed about my return as if they knew that I would be back soon.  I imagine time doesn't have much of a concept for them as they live in the moment.

Sleeping next to C. on my first night back felt so comfortable.  I was tired but woke up several times to touch her and make sure that she was there.  And that makes me not want to leave again unless she comes with me.  We will have to find a house, dog and cat sitter so that we can go away together for a week.

Today, the house is opened up and the cool breeze is coming through the doors and windows.  It is beautiful weather.  I hope that we can slip away to go on the boat for a few days next week.  And I want C. to go with me.  She is still dealing with the estate of her parents.  It appears that a contract on the house will be forthcoming which is good.

I went to several meetings while I was away.  The meetings were good and fairly close to the type of groups that we have here.  On my last day, there were 3 meetings at the same location.  One of the ladies asked me how I sponsored people.  I replied by saying that I sponsor them much the same way I was sponsored, using literature from Al-Anon and other material that I have collected from other sources on the steps and traditions.  Sponsoring is really about being comfortable with a person, having trust and willingness.

It was interesting that this same lady recited the entire preamble and meeting format by heart, looking down and not taking a breath. It felt very automatic and as if this was an exercise of memory and not something shared from the heart.  I just thought this was odd.

But we surely process and participate in meetings in our own way.  It's good to have the experience of attending those "away" meetings and listening to what others have to share.  No matter where I go, it's still the basic story of how we are affected by another person's drinking: The same fear, frustrations, anxiety and sadness giving way to acceptance, sense of self, compassion, and happiness through recovery.

I'm surely glad to be back home.  There's more wood to split, garden planting to be done, and a beautiful day ahead.

Where is spring?

Where is spring?  I see the leaves opening, the shades of green appearing in the woods and fields, the azaleas in bloom.  Yet, the winds are chilly, with temperatures more like February than late March.  We have stuck close to home, making soup, taking care of estate and tax things for Pop, going to the boat to make sure all is okay there.  We intersperse our time with trips to the store, to see Pop, and to meetings.

In the midst of a torrential rain and wind storm before dawn on Sunday morning, one of the giant water oaks gave out, its heart rotten, and its base no longer able to support the mighty limbs.  After the shock of seeing this beautiful tree down, we began the work of cutting it up to clear the drive way, making piles of brush and logs that will be split and stored for some future cold days.  And we make plans for what to plant to replace the loss, a live oak of some height, and an oak seedling that we have grown for two years.  Neither will mature in our life time, but perhaps one day, they will be admired in all their magnificence. 

I go to meetings, listening and sharing the message, yet I feel some kind of sea change within.  It's as if a spark has been buried under some kind of ash and dank wood.  I am hoping that spring and being on the boat and at the beach will rekindle the spark.  I find I have little patience with myself or others.  It still feels like winter within, and I wonder when the little shoots of joy will burst open again inside.

A fellow I sponsor has decided that he doesn't need to go to meetings because the alcoholic is no longer in his life.  I wish that it were so simple.  I would like to think that I would not resort to irritation, anger, resentment, expectations, and bitter disappointments if I were to walk away from meetings and the fellowship.  The truth is I know that I need to be going to more meetings right now.  I need to share, do more service work, stay in touch with friends, and sponsor those who do want what I have to offer.

I know that spring is here. I just have to see my way through until it flowers in my heart.

Saturday on the boat

The PGA is taking place near where I live. Fortunately, it isn't on the same island but is close enough to cause terrific traffic jams when I leave the island. I can see Tiger Woods' yacht from the water, docked at a resort marina.

I wonder what the pros do when they are done playing for the day. Do they meditate? Socialize with corporate sponsors? Go over video tapes of their shots? Review the next holes in minute detail? I am not a golfer or a fan of the game. But I have been watching a few moments of the PGA because it is happening so close to home. The Ocean Course is taking its toll. And today will bring more storms in the afternoon.

We are out on the boat for the weekend. We have been for a long walk on the beach, had a good breakfast and will probably do some reading, followed by a nap. The new medication appears to be helping my wife. I can't fathom why she quit taking the meds for depression but am grateful that she is doing well now. There are still ups and downs but those have occurred as long as I've known her.

Tomorrow is my Al-Anon birthday. It will be six years for me now. And I can honestly say that I feel so different from the broken person who walked into a meeting those years ago. We had had terrible arguments over her drinking for a couple of months. I was fed up and sick of the failed promises and the embarrassment of being with a blackout drunk. Luckily, a friend in AA told me that I needed to go to Al-Anon. I almost didn't make that first meeting because the directions on the meeting list were wrong! I was driven to be there though and happened to see someone who I asked about the meeting. She knew and told me how to get there. No coincidence, I think.

Nor is it coincidence that I met my sponsor at that meeting. He wasn't there for my first meeting or the second one. When I met him at my third meeting, I felt so much compassion and understanding that I knew I would ask him to be my sponsor. That was the most important step for me and one that got me on the path to self-enlightenment through the steps and traditions.

I am grateful to have friends, my wife, my sponsor and my sanity. I can honestly say that life is far better today than I thought. I was willing. I surrendered. I believed.

Freedom

The weekend was a good one.  We spent Friday through Monday on the boat.  I studied some but mostly relaxed, went for walks on the beach, slept, had a picnic with friends, played with the dog and enjoyed the breeze.  I believe without the breeze, the heat would have been too much.  Thankfully, the water was nice, and we spent a lot of time in it.

A picnic on the beach

I have a new fellow to sponsor which is really a good thing.  He is pure Al-Anon and young.  His dad is an alcoholic, and he is gradually learning to let go of expectations and the anxiety that has been part of living with active alcoholism.  For the time being, he calls me every evening to talk about Step One and being powerless over other people.  It takes a while to realize that nothing one says or does is going to change another until they want to change.  I can't make someone surrender to my will.  I tried for many years, and it didn't work.

I have the final exam tomorrow.  In retrospect,  the discipline of studying again was the hardest for me.  I am not the disciplined person that I used to be.  To others, I seem really disciplined, but really I would much rather be doing those things that I want to do, rather than the stuff that I need to do.  My spirit rebels against a schedule now.  Maybe that isn't a bad thing.  I'm not worrying about it since it feels like pure freedom to me.

Tonight is rowing with the group.  I did some rowing this weekend, but rowing the little dinghy is not much hard work.  People take pictures of us all the time in the dinghy rowing to shore.  Someone said, "Oh, you two look like the couple from The Notebook."

This weekend is my first passenger gig to Beaufort.  We will set sail on Friday morning and sail down the coast with a return on Sunday evening.  I am looking forward to see how this goes.  If all goes well, then I may have a part time job going sailing.  I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Rowing to shore

Cloudy relief from the heat

Enjoy the rest of your day.  I'm prepping for tomorrows exam.

Commitments to the moment

I have a couple of things on my agenda over the next two weeks.  One is a meeting today to become an advisor for a local non-profit group that is conducting a study of water quality in the Harbor.  I don't have any idea what the work load will be so I want to find out more before I formally accept.

I have to say that I'm enjoying the freedom of not having too many commitments. I generally go to three Al-Anon meetings a week, meet with a couple of sponsees,  workout with a personal trainer twice a week,  and go to a couple of sailing club meetings a month.  I have freed my schedule so that a couple of days a week, I don't leave the property.  It feels good to not have "must do" things hanging over my head.  Sailing and visiting the parents-in-law are things that I do, but without a set schedule.  So, I am cautious about taking on more things.

A major commitment that I have made is to attend Sea School in June so that I may obtain my Captain's license.  I have been prepping for this through other courses over the past couple of years, and now it's time to do the final preparation to take the Coast Guard exam.  This will involve three intense weekends back to back, Friday through Sunday, and will include an upgrade to Master.  I have no idea what I will use the license for as the idea of chartering my sailboat is not something that I want to do.  But that may change at some point.  I know that doing eco-tours is something I enjoy, but dealing with the public on my boat feels like a serenity breaker.

Lately, I've been thinking about commitment with sponsoring.  I called a few fellows I took through the steps and made plans to meet up with one of them next week for lunch. I hear from two others on a regular basis and am working through the steps with another one every Tuesday.  I haven't heard from a couple of the others for months. I know that they still attend meetings, but I no longer feel connected to what they are doing.  A friend suggested that without regular contact,  I am no longer their sponsor.  I don't have hard rules about their calling me on a regular basis.  But I would still like to be connected to them.  So I have called each person.  The rest is not up to me.

Also, I haven't had face to face time with my local sponsor in a couple of months.  He emails and we occasionally talk on the phone. I feel disconnected there as well.  I don't think there is a substitute for having face to face time.  I talk to my original sponsor weekly.  He is adjusting to life on the other coast.  I know that no matter what, I can pick up the phone and give him a call, and he will listen to what I have to say.

Perhaps, the first experience with a sponsor is the one that sticks and is the yardstick for all others.  I don't know, but I often long for those times when we would read and study the steps together.  I feel like I am on my own now.  Yet, I know that there are friends in program I can talk to.  Somehow, it just isn't the same as having a sponsor who knows all about me.

I have often longed for the way things used to be--fresh starts, beginnings in relationships and knowledge.  I see such sentiment as the melancholy part of my personality that doesn't like changes that involve loss.  But I know the solution is to be in this day and this moment.  And to take action that will be positive and progressive.  Every day can be a fresh start.

Priorities

I was just coming to from sleeping when my wife reached over, kissed me and said "I love you. See you later. I'm off to the gym." Today is training day. She likes the early shift with the personal trainer. I take the more civilized 10 AM shift because I am the night hawk. Last night, I actually turned out the lights at 11:45 PM.

We go there and stay in constant motion for an hour. Lifting, pushups, pull ups, timed planks, Peak 8 on the bike--I leave feeling euphoric because this intensity gives me an endorphin "high". I have either run, biked, rowed, swam, ridden horses, sailed, or kick boxed at some time in my life. I have to say that it has kept me fit, both physically and emotionally. It is a naturally congruent activity with recovery because I feel restored and better able to deal with what gets tossed my way by life.

It is so easy for me to slack off though and not truly push myself unless I am accountable to someone. But if someone is there taking me from one exercise to another, urging me on, I simply don't try as hard.

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about that yesterday. He and I finished up Step 12 over coffee. He was willing to do the work. After more than a quarter century in AA, he found that he needed something more. I met him at the Thursday noon Al-Anon meeting. Our energy connected, and he asked me to be his sponsor. Sponsoring a long-timer in AA can be a challenge because the programs are different.

I use a lot of AA material with my Al-Anon sponsees. They read the Big Book, the AA 12 x 12, and other AA material that I have. I use the AA fourth step inventory in addition to Al-Anon's extensive Blueprint for Progress. I believe that AA was the foundation of Al-Anon. The message is delivered a bit differently in the two programs.

I think one of the main differences that I have found between the programs is that Al-Anon has no musts--I suggest things that I would like those I sponsor to do. I am not demanding that they call every day, but I do suggest it. I don't demand that they go to more than one meeting a week but suggest it. And I don't demand that we keep moving forward one step at a time, but I suggest it.

The AA fellow I sponsor said that he would simply tell those who aren't doing the things that he asks (call every day, go to meetings, commit to a weekly schedule for step work) to find someone else who doesn't care about those things.

And herein lies the difference: I do care, but know that I cannot force anyone to do what they aren't ready to do. I tell them when they are ready to call me back, I will listen. I don't sever the connection but leave the ball in their court. I tell them that they can call me at any time. I don't pursue them over and over. I will make a call after a while when I haven't heard from them in weeks. I know that for some that phone weighs 800 pounds and is heavy to pick up! Most come back either out of desperation or when recovery resurfaces after there is a lull in whatever else they have going on.

And that is how the unmanageability of alcoholism keeps us from getting well. It seductively tells a person to stay busy with kids, husband, wife, work, play--a thousand things--rather than to take time to look at yourself. Do for others, focus on anything but the emptiness within. Stay safe within the cocoon of a chaotic life.

When I stopped filling every moment thinking about others and actually thought about myself, I realized how empty I was. Who was I? What was I beside a job, a husband, a yard man, a fixer? I had no close friends who knew the "real" me. I was a pretender.

I'm glad that I reached out, committed to doing the work with a sponsor, stayed focused on my recovery, and pass along how it worked for me to those who are willing. I am the coach who urges them along. I don't want to break them down, be a drill sergeant, but I will encourage and tell them what will happen if they follow the steps of the program. The promises of a better life will come true. And that is the truth.

P.S.--Keep those questions coming. I have gotten some good ones so far. Thanks for asking!

Secrets, trust and pain

I'm back from class. Another late night for me.  I wish that I didn't have to miss my home group meeting.  But only four more weeks to go before I'll be able to get back to the group.  I sure do miss the comfort of that group.

I haven't heard from a few people who I sponsor for weeks.  I have to say that I am not really disappointed, although I wonder at times what more I could do to keep the ones that either don't really get started in the program (stop at Step One) or those that stop at Step Four.  I give a few calls to check up on them, and then I have to let it go.

At first when I sponsored a fellow, I was much more of a brow beater.  I wanted them to work the program on some kind of schedule that suited me.  That was the control stuff coming up--do it in my time and on time.  Assignments given so that things could move along at a regular pace.  Now it is so much easier to let people go their own path until they are ready to come back.  That suits me much better than trying to force people to conform to what I think they "should" do.

I am much gentler with myself and others these days.  People will do what they will.  With those of us in Al-Anon, trust is a major issue.  And so often it is not easy to trust our secrets with others.  We've hidden them for so long.  It was a major step for me to connect with a sponsor, be rigorously honest, and share all my secrets.  What a load was lifted off my mind.  Sharing the pain, reduces it.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.  ~Jim Morrison

Savor

Some days, like today, I stare at the computer screen, and I swear that nothing is in my head.  It feels as if there is a great void there when it comes to writing anything.

I could tell you about meeting up yesterday for lunch with a fellow I sponsor.  He went through the 12 steps, decided that 12 step programs weren't for him, but tells me that I changed his life.  He is in graduate school studying to be a counselor. I don't know whether I changed anything, but I spent a lot of time with him going through the steps.  I think that the steps changed him.

I could tell you that one of the dogs who is 12 is not feeling well.  I worry about the old ones. They have been so faithful.  I have lost too many of them in the last year or so.

I could tell you that I went to my home group last night.  It was as if I was surrounded by comfort.  Our group is small, but we all care about each other.  A newcomer, who has alcoholic parents, is opening up more and more to share her pain and is looking for a solution.  She said that she got the courage to share because she heard us talk about our life with alcoholism--with smiles and laughter.

I could tell you that I am meeting another man I sponsor today. He is doing the fourth step which is like a marathon in Al-Anon.  He is willing, and I am willing. That helps us both.

I could tell you that my wife and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  This year, we are going fishing together.  No gifts other than love.  There is much history between us, and it is rich and full and complex.  But love seems to be the common denominator of our years.

I could tell you that I am grateful for today.  I know that it will have its challenges just as every day of life does.  But if I got up and knew that every day was going to be the same, I think that life would lose its savor.  I much prefer a little spice rather than flat and bland.

There, I've written something.  My brain just needed a jump start.

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Until we meet again

Tonight was my sponsor's last home group meeting.  He leaves in four days for the other coast.  It was an especially touching meeting for me.  There were people who came to this meeting who have not come before. There were people who used to come who stopped by.  They came to share what this person has meant to them.  And I was flooded with memories of how we connected and started working the steps.

I can remember how we would sit together for an hour before the regular meeting and go through the steps.  We spent a lot of time together going through the fourth step book, Blue Print for Progress.  So many memories of how desperate I was to get the message, to listen, to have a solid foundation of peace which I saw in this person.  We shared a lot of information with each other and developed a level of trust that I haven't had with many people in my life.

I know that being across the country is not the end of the world.  I told him about Skype and how we can talk for free via our computers.  Nonetheless, it feels like a loss for me.  It feels as if I have moved to a place in recovery that I am grateful for, yet I also long for those times of desperation when we would sit and talk one on one.  I miss that.  I miss the learning process, the eagerness that I felt, the times that I needed to be heard and to hear words of encouragement.

He left me a notebook from his early days in Al-Anon and a bag of chips, including many of his own.  That is a special thing about this group--we celebrate the recovery birthday's of the members with a candle and cake and chips.  We will continue this tradition, although tonight the thought of this has an empty feeling.

This isn't an ending.  I sincerely hope that it is a beginning for him in his new home.  He will be near one of his children.  I want to say, "But what about me?"  I have to let him go because it is what he needs at this time in life.  That comforts me.  I am much the better person for having him as my sponsor.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.- Richard Bach

Friday update

Last night, we hosted a drop in to say farewell to my sponsor.  It was nice to see so many people, some of whom I haven't seen in a few years.  We enjoyed cooking and always enjoy seeing people eat what we cook.  I think that my sponsor had a good time visiting with Al-Anon friends.

Quite a few people commented on the distance that I have to drive to get to meetings.  I have found that if a person wants something bad enough, they will do what has to be done to get it.  I wanted what Al-Anon offered so I got to meetings. It didn't seem unusual to me at all.  I was willing to go to whatever lengths were necessary.

One of my good friends is going through a hard time in marriage.  His wife is depressed, he's depressed and a marriage of over 30 years has become strained.  He goes to therapy and wants the wife to go also.  But whether or not she goes is not something he can control.  We talked about that a while last night.  When things are going well in life, it is easy to remember the steps.  But recovery is there to carry us through the stressful times.

Several people said that they would like to come back to this house and land to simply hang out.  They found it peaceful and serene.  One of my ideas is to have an Al-Anon retreat weekend here, where we could get together during the day for workshops, have a speaker or two, and a barbecue in the evening.  People could then go home to spend the night and come back the next day.  The house is large enough to have workshops in different rooms and even out doors on the porch or deck.  It is something to think about for the spring.

Today, I am heading to the boat to do some varnishing.  I won't be going out on her this weekend but will stay at the marina to do some work.  Next week, all being well,  we will head up the coast to the wooden boat show.  It is a fun event and one that I go to just about every year.  Going up and staying on the sailboat for the festival will be something new.

Finally, I want to say that I am glad to be a Mac person.  It is like being a gear head.  I am grateful for what Steve Jobs did.  He created some great tools. But I think that his greatest accomplishment was in educating so many of us about what technology can do.  When he would stand up in his black shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, I thought he was a kind of shaman, a guru who was about to announce something amazing and magical.

I've read that he wanted perfection.  He would say "Do it again" until it is right, profound and astonishing.  I think that he was a visionary who saw a path to something that would change technology and how we think of computers.  He worked to make the vision a reality which is something that makes him great. Thanks for your contributions that I found inspiring, intuitive, and magical.

We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life. Life is brief, and then you die, you know? And we’ve all chosen to do this with our lives. So it better be damn good. It better be worth it. ~Steve Jobs


Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~ Steve Jobs

Saturday afternoon

We are out on the boat for the weekend, anchored behind the undeveloped island with the miles of pristine beach. I am still coughing from the cold that has been kicking my butt for a few days. But there is spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic simmering on the galley stove, and we just finished off a bowl of boiled peanuts so life isn't bad.

The weather has turned delightfully cool. A front came through last night dropping temperature to the 50's. It is such a change from yesterday when it was in the mid 80's.

The lunch with my sponsor was good. It was nice for a few of us to get together. Next week, we are hosting a little going away party at our house. He will be leaving on October 14.

The search for a local sponsor is over. I have asked a fellow that I have known since I came in to co-sponsor me. We get along, but I haven't developed the special connection that I felt when I met my first sponsor. Maybe the feeling will come in time. I also know how desperate I was at first to get better. I don't feel that terrible desperation now. Maybe I am looking for a substitute, and there isn't one. Each person is different. It takes time and a lot of trust to develop any kind of special relationship.

Well, the spaghetti sauce is ready. I am going to check the pasta, light a candle, listen to jazz, and enjoy being in this special place. Wishing you a good Saturday.

Year five

I picked up my five year medallion tonight at the meeting.  This is a small group, but it is home to me.  We had the meeting at my sponsor's house which was a special treat.  There were pizza rolls, cookies and sodas.  We had the meeting, ate some snacks and talked. 

Someone asked me if it felt different to have five years.  I said that it really didn't because the peaks and valleys that were so prevalent during the first couple of years have decreased.  Now I feel as if I am on level ground at last, or in sailing terms, an even keel.  There are still days when things can quickly get the best of me, but I don't stay in a downward spiral for long.  I get back on track by doing those things that I have learned help me to get over myself.   

I am going to miss my sponsor when he leaves in October.  He has been a constant in my time in Al-Anon.  Even though he will be far away,  I will still call just as I do now.  I have tried to not dwell on his leaving.  I just appreciate that he is still here for now.  But I know that a void will be there.  I get attached to people and don't like to see them go.  But I have also had to think about having someone locally who can be a co-sponsor. 

I found someone that I am comfortable with.  I have known him in the program for a while.   We talk like friends so I know that we are comfortable with each other.  I don't think that we have defined what we will work on together.  Maybe it will simply be more like having a service sponsor.  Time will tell on that as more is revealed.

Once again, I am up too late.  Tomorrow is a busy day with meeting a sponsee, having lunch with my co-sponsor, and then starting another marine course on Advanced Piloting tomorrow night.  That course will run for 10 weeks.  The last one I took was intense and this one will be no less.  But it exercises the brain and is valuable information that I can put to practical use when sailing.

I'll leave you with some thoughts on worry.  I think Rumi has it about right:

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

Being in touch

I heard a fifth step of a fellow I sponsor today.  It is one of the joys of sponsoring to be trusted and to trust.    I sit in meetings and listen to people who are still in a lot of pain.  They don't have a sponsor and are trying to recover from the affects of someone else's drinking by going to meetings.  There are no musts in Al-Anon,  so a person doesn't have to have a sponsor to work any step. But I believe that it certainly helps.

I asked someone to sponsor me within three weeks of being in Al-Anon.  I found a person who has a sponsor and who shared his experience to guide me through the steps.  Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.  I know that I would not be where I am today without my sponsor.  I stay in touch with him just about every day.  I care how he is doing, and our relationship is important. We are friends.

Mary Christine had a wonderful post today on sponsoring. She writes: "In my relationship with my sponsor, we talk as old friends. There are times when I ask her for help or her opinion. Other times, she has asked me for mine. She has been my sponsor since I was sober 10 years, so it is now 17 years. She is now aging - as if I'm not! She is not quite the person she used to be. But she is my beloved sponsor, and always will be.......And then there are others... the relationship never moves beyond the take and take. Or the give and give."

I spend a lot of time with those I sponsor.  I make myself available.  It is all part of the commitment.  I have to say that I don't hear from many that I sponsor unless there is something wrong.  I give them a call and occasionally get together for lunch.  But sometimes I simply wish that they would call me and ask how I am doing.  None of us is without moments of fear and doubt and loneliness. So I guess what I am saying here is to realize that each of us likes to hear a caring voice.  Stay in touch with those who have touched you. Recovery is about reciprocating and giving back what has so freely been given to you.

Anniversary day

Today C. had to get back to take her sponsor to pick up her 16 year medallion. Her sponsor had been sober around ten years when she decided to go back out. She decided that a little experimenting was in order. Predictably, the result was disastrous.

I hear about situations in which people have been sober for many years and then make a decision to drink again. It is a sad situation for all concerned. And it truly brings up to me how life has to be lived one day at a time.

I do believe that I am powerless over what others do. I cannot prevent another from picking up a drink again. In fact, I don't really think about it much or have anxiety about it now. I used to have a fair amount of worry surrounding situations where my wife would come in contact with alcohol. I tried to watch her closely and rapidly was back in the unmanageability of my disease. But the more time I have had in recovery, the more I realized that her sobriety is not up to me. What a relief that has been.

So today I am grateful that she will be there to give her sponsor a 16 year medallion. And maybe the story shared of how going back out to retry the insanity of drinking again will convey just how deadly the disease is. There are no guarantees with alcoholism, but the best defense is to stay spiritually fit and to make a daily decision to not be involved in the insanity for that one day.