Feeling at home

Happy Love Day to you, my friends.  It is a cold one here, unusual for even February.  We have a good fire going.  And some warm soup on the stove. Nothing too special but some time together.

What I want to write about is my home group.  Sadly, few people attend anymore. We were always a small group, but it seems that over the last 8 months, our numbers have dwindled remarkably.  If you recall, this was the group that my sponsor started over 20 years ago.  It was where I worked my steps and studied the traditions. It was where we did book studies.  And now, it feels like a dying group.

I have driven an hour to this group for nine years. Now, I am tired of driving the distance and have three other meetings within 15 minutes of our house.  The other meetings have from 12 to 25 people.  Yet, I feel sad at the decline in the legacy of the group where I felt most at home.

I am not going to give up and plan to be back in the spring. Hopefully, others may come back too.

Unfortunately, there appear to be a decline in some groups throughout the area. And numbers are down nationwide.  As the population ages, it seems that fewer young people are coming to the rooms.  And men are definitely rarer in meetings than women.

I am not sure why this is occurring.  Perhaps as problems in society increase, people have less time for "self help" and spend more time just making ends meet. As for lack of men, most of us are less likely to seek any help for any problems, both professionally and in a "self help" format.  Maybe it is the mention of a "God of our understanding" that is off putting.

Having tried therapy years ago,  Al-Anon was the place where it all "clicked" for me. It was where I found fellowship and support.  I learned that others had the same problems that I had.  And I learned to not hide those problems, but to share what I felt in a group of strangers.

This was hard at first. But I stuck it out and learned to trust, feel safe and be emotionally present to ourselves and others.  I believe that the fellowship is probably the reason most people stay. The real work of the 12 steps and doing service work seems to be not as high a priority.

No matter how long we go to meetings, family relationships cannot always be transformed.  I have seen individuals transform though, from angry people to those who have learned to be loving even when our families are dysfunctional. We learn to soothe ourselves, and we learn that we need to be close to others. No longer being a victim is empowering.  In the meetings I attend,  I experience patience and kindness, especially when we see traits in others that we have looked at in ourselves. As we truly learn to love and accept ourselves, these traits are seen as a reason to love than as an excuse to persecute.

I will keep coming back.  It is where I feel at home.

Hope that you are experiencing love today.

Happenings

I thought that I had better catch up here.  As usual, my excuse for not writing is that I have been incredibly busy and for the most part enjoying every day.  My birthday came and went.  It was a good day spent at a riding clinic, having lunch with horse friends and having a great dinner with my wife.  I had few expectations as birthdays go, but what resulted was delightful.

I spent three days on my sailboat during my birthday week, enjoying a few days of good weather in which the sun actually shone.  It was my escape to serenity-- a temple for me to rest, read, cook, and bask in the sun.  I came back feeling totally relaxed and rejuvenated.

On Sunday, I went for a 7.5 mi trail ride on my fancy dressage horse. He handled the woods, the scary farm machinery, the wide open dirt road--all of it, like he was born to trail ride. The ladies riding with me were impressed by his calmness and his being so level headed.  Every day I go to see him, he greets me with a soft nicker.  My wife is quite taken with him also.

On a more somber note, a young local high school student has died over an altercation with a fellow student about a Snap Chat message sent to his girlfriend.  The kid visiting his girlfriend told the other fellow to come over and he would kill him.  So the young man went over and was stabbed in a fight. Both are from affluent families, no drugs involved, and were not in trouble before. Now one is dead and the other is messed up for life.  I don't understand the anger that drives a 16 year old to kill a 17 year old over anything, much less a phone message.

I don't know about you, but we settled things in a civilized manner--no fights, no knives, no guns.  Parents have so much to worry about these days. Drugs and alcohol, and more guns and violence than ever before.  It is a tough world out there.  And I often wondered how I made it this far--maybe because when I was a kid, I feared my father's wrath more than anything else; and as a teenager, I decided that not much was worth dying over.  And that attitude carried into college, although I did some reckless things. And for some reason, I am still alive. I feel a great deal of sorrow for the parents who are suffering the horrible death of their child and for the parents who are dealing with the horror of what their son did.

My little home group has been struggling with low numbers of people attending. Several meetings in the area have closed.  I wonder if this is simply a reflection of the time of year or does it bode problems for an aging fellowship.

Certainly, the number of those with substance abuse problems has risen.  And that means that a lot of families and friends of alcoholics/addicts are suffering from the effects of the disease.  But are they trying to tough this out alone?  I hope that they are getting some kind of help to cope with the anxiety, anger and fear of living with an alcoholic/addict.  They certainly aren't pouring into the rooms of Al-Anon around here.  What really matters to me is that people get some kind of help because it is a very lonely thing to deal with alcoholism/addiction on your own.

I hope that all is going well with you.  I think of you and will catch up some this week.

Need for present joy

I am enjoying not being in school, sitting at a desk and listening to lectures about the Federal Code of Regulations on inspected passenger vessels.  The instructor for the Master's course was not as knowledgeable as my first instructor.  He also read the book out loud to us.  He made remarks during the class that indicated his particular take on society and the government.  During one of the exercises, he blurted out, "What do ya'll think will happen to Sandusky in prison?".  I have an idea, but wondered what that had to do with the course I was taking.

Anyway, now the class room lectures are over, and I have an exam this week and two next week to take.  Then I will turn in all the paperwork to see what size license I can get.  I will be very glad when all this is done.  I am glad that I went through with it but am tired of using my brain.  I actually want to vegetate for a while.  I'm finding it hard to divert attention away from material for the exams.  Thankfully, July fourth holiday will keep me busy doing happy things that have nothing to do with exams or school.

My wife and I had a discussion this morning about the caregivers getting a puppy.  It's a done deal that they are getting a border collie puppy.  My wife gave her approval.  I don't think that a puppy, especially a high energy puppy like a border collie, is appropriate to be around my wife's 90 year old mother who has difficulty walking.  She asked what I thought, and I told her.

I know dogs and have been around them all my life.  A sedate adult dog would probably be a great companion and might spark a lot of happiness in my MIL.  But bringing in a puppy seems a bit much. Only time will tell as to how this works out with the elderly mother and the elderly cat she has.  There are times that I wonder, "What was she thinking?".  But I know to let this go and not lecture or make it an issue between us.  After all, this isn't my business.  These are her parents, and she does a wonderful job in making sure that they are comfortable and watched over.

I am going to home group tonight.  It feels like an eternity since I was there, even though it was just last Monday evening.  I can feel that I need the peacefulness of the meeting.  And the grounds quiet the restlessness that has come to be part of my day since beginning the classes over three weeks ago.  I can tell that my stress tolerance for exams and classes has diminished with age. I want this behind me.  I want to do low key stuff like gardening and sailing.  I like what Helen Keller had to say about going to college:

Gradually I began to find that there were disadvantages in going to college. The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words of some loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures – solitude, books and imagination – outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day.

There will be some whispering pines swaying in the hot breeze tonight.  I want to share these photos of where the home group meets.

Where we meet

Huge pine tree in the Serenity Garden

Statue of St. Francis at the base of the large pine

I will be back to write and comment as time permits.

Borders

I have finished the classroom part of the Captain's license for un-inspected passenger vessels.  This coming weekend I'll be in the classroom for the Master's license.  This license will be for either a 25, 50 or 100 ton vessel, depending on the amount of sea time that I have and the size of the vessels on which I've worked.  I think that I'll probably have enough time (360 days) on board to get the 50 ton license.

I have five exams to take.  The first two, Navigation General and Deck General, will be taken this Thursday.  I hope to take the next two, Chart Plotting and Rules of the Road, on July 6 and July 7.  After those are done, then I will take the exam for the Master's.  Rules of the Road is the subject that requires a lot of memorization. It is also considered to be the most difficult because out of 30 questions, only 3 may be missed.

I have spent my time studying. I've also found that, while my memory is good, it is not nearly what it used to be.  All the little day shapes and lights and sounds for each vessel type are starting to come together but not at the point where I feel as if I can just reel them off.  I study them for a few hours each day, while also studying for the other exams.

I am not having much fun with this since there is so much material.  It is like being back in college on finals week.  But I keep telling myself that in another couple of weeks, it will be over.  Maybe then, I won't be driving down the road and see two white lights in a row vertically and be thinking "Those are lights for a tug whose tow is < 200 meters".

I have mentally been bemoaning that I haven't been having much fun lately.  And just when I do this, I get a reminder that what I'm doing for these few weeks isn't bad, not dangerous, not going to hurt me.  That reminder came in the form of a share at my home group meeting last night. It was the one year anniversary of J.  I remember when she first came to Al-Anon last summer, a shy young woman who just graduated from high school.

Last night, she told her story of being born in Mexico and at age 9 crossing the U.S. border with her mother and two brothers.  They had been told by the "coyote" to bring enough food and water for a day's walk.  After getting what belongings they could carry, the group of people started walking towards the border.

The walk across the desert turned into three days and four nights during which all ran out of water and had very little food.  J. told of seeing dead bodies as they walked, of people on the journey who became sick and were left behind, of the heat and thirst the group endured.

The group eventually arrived at a house where people brought over by other "coyotes" were staying.  There were perhaps forty people in each room.  The "coyotes" carried guns and threatened to tie concrete blocks to the legs of the children and sink them in the river unless they were paid.  J's mother was waiting on money to be sent from her sister in Florida, but it didn't arrive right away.

After several days with threats from the "coyotes" and with violence among them as one group tried to take guns away from others, the police arrived.  J. and her family escaped from the house during the commotion and found their way to a 24 hour convenience store.  They had no money but thought that they would be safer there than in the woods.

During the late afternoon, a woman and a man drove up in a van.  The woman bought something in the store, came out, and kept looking at J. and her family who were a road worn and sad group.  She eventually came over and asked them if they were okay.  J's mother told her what had happened.  The woman went to the van, said something to her husband, and came back to invite the four of them to their house.  They stayed with this kind couple for three weeks until the money finally arrived from Florida.  The family then boarded a bus that took them to pick oranges in Florida.

After the orange harvest, they traveled to South Carolina to pick tomatoes.  J.'s father arrived here after his border crossing.  The family decided to stay in SC and were offered work on a farm where the mother cleaned, the father and sons worked in the fields, and J. took care of the animals.

Not long after their arrival in SC,  J. was raped by her step-brother who had come to visit.  She was raped later by a cousin as well.  She didn't tell anyone immediately because she had been told that she would be killed if she told.

By this time, she was enrolled in school, being tutored in English and making excellent grades.  The first rape happened on a Sunday.  Because she didn't want to miss school, she went as usual on Monday.  At school, some of her friends knew that she was troubled so she confided in them about the rape.  Soon the teachers knew and J. was taken by a counselor to a hospital where she was examined and evidence collected.

After the rape, she became despondent. She couldn't concentrate in school.  Her grades slipped.  She kept going to therapists but mostly they would ask, "How do you feel today?".  Finally, she was assigned to N. who really listened to her.  J. began to trust N. and talked to her not only about the rape but about how both her parents were alcoholics.  It was through N. that J. got to Al-Anon and the little meeting that I call "home".

J. is a remarkable young woman.  She graduated in the top five of her class in middle school and in the top ten of her Senior class in high school.  She has been verbally and emotionally abused by her father, yet she feels compassion for him.  Her full brother who is a drug addict stole all of her saved money from her.  She called the police who deported him.  She works whenever she can taking care of animals and babysitting.  Her hope is to become an American citizen, go to college and become a nurse.

I know that there are so many people like J.  She has come a long way since struggling across the desert.  She shared that she has found people to trust in Al-Anon, people that she can call, people who won't judge her.  And that she has found her own Higher Power who gives her comfort.

I heard just what I needed to hear from this young person at the time when I needed to hear it.  Amazing how that works.

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern

past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

"How do you know if you are going to die?"

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

"When you can no longer make a fist."

Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.— Naomi Shihab Nye

Fitting together

Tonight, I drove out to the country to my home group meeting.  There were only three of us, but it doesn't matter because we seem to have plenty to talk about. Tonight a lady shared about her progress of being able to go to an annual party with her alcoholic husband and have a decent time without a lot of anxiety about his drinking.  She was amazed that she could get through the evening without feeling embarrassed.

I don't know that I could get through an evening like the ones we used to have at parties.  Al-Anon says that I can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  Somehow the happiness eludes me when someone I love is drunk and making an ass of themselves.  Maybe it's because I was totally sober.  My solution for big parties where there is a lot of drinking is to not go.  Or if I go, to leave when I start to feel uncomfortable.  The choices I have put me at ease now.  It's good to know that I don't have to feel bound to do something out of some kind of co-dependent obligation.

After just a few days of talking and emailing caregivers for the parents, we were able to find a wonderful couple who have accepted the position.  They are enthusiastic,  capable and up for the challenge.  All the concerns that we both had about finding someone weren't necessary.  Amazing how things fall into place.  As my sponsor would say, "The Higher Power likes to show off from time to time."

Tomorrow, we are going out on the water for another day of fishing.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful.  The moon was rising as I was driving home.  It must be the harvest moon because it was huge in the sky.  We are in the midst of a pretty time of year here.  The trees are colorful, the nights are cool, and the days are warm and sunny.  The tourists have mostly gone home so the beaches and waterways aren't crowded.

Today all seems to fit together in a way that feels good.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. ~Anais Nin

Until we meet again

Tonight was my sponsor's last home group meeting.  He leaves in four days for the other coast.  It was an especially touching meeting for me.  There were people who came to this meeting who have not come before. There were people who used to come who stopped by.  They came to share what this person has meant to them.  And I was flooded with memories of how we connected and started working the steps.

I can remember how we would sit together for an hour before the regular meeting and go through the steps.  We spent a lot of time together going through the fourth step book, Blue Print for Progress.  So many memories of how desperate I was to get the message, to listen, to have a solid foundation of peace which I saw in this person.  We shared a lot of information with each other and developed a level of trust that I haven't had with many people in my life.

I know that being across the country is not the end of the world.  I told him about Skype and how we can talk for free via our computers.  Nonetheless, it feels like a loss for me.  It feels as if I have moved to a place in recovery that I am grateful for, yet I also long for those times of desperation when we would sit and talk one on one.  I miss that.  I miss the learning process, the eagerness that I felt, the times that I needed to be heard and to hear words of encouragement.

He left me a notebook from his early days in Al-Anon and a bag of chips, including many of his own.  That is a special thing about this group--we celebrate the recovery birthday's of the members with a candle and cake and chips.  We will continue this tradition, although tonight the thought of this has an empty feeling.

This isn't an ending.  I sincerely hope that it is a beginning for him in his new home.  He will be near one of his children.  I want to say, "But what about me?"  I have to let him go because it is what he needs at this time in life.  That comforts me.  I am much the better person for having him as my sponsor.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.- Richard Bach

Signs of spring

There are some signs of spring now.  I have heard the spring peepers for several nights in a row.  The daffodils are coming up, and there are buds on some of the trees.  The raccoons have been mating like banshees in one of the large trees near the wetland.  I suspect that I will see little ones in time.

This has been a chilly winter, but I can't complain because there hasn't been piles of snow or blizzards or even a significant ice storm.  Just windy and chilly.  I am hoping that we at least have turned the corner on winter.  My cold frames are filled with plants for spring.  I am looking forward to getting into the garden and tilling up the raised beds, turning over the soil. 

I am working on a couple of small grant proposals that deal with cleaning up waterways and recycling at marinas here.  I see how many aluminum cans and bottles are thrown away at the marina where my boat is.  Not a single recycling container in sight.  I have talked to management about it but get the same tired answer--too much trouble, too much money.  Anyway, it is worth a shot to write a grant to at least post signs that encourage people to remove their recycled materials and not throw them in with the other trash.

I went to my home group meeting last night.  It was a step study on coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  What a revelation it was for me to realize that there was a power greater than me.  I thought that I had all the answers, could solve things through sheer will power and determination.  It was a great relief to not have to try to solve the problems of others or to try to turn them into who I wanted them to be.  I wonder sometimes why I didn't realize much earlier that by doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I was getting no where.  I was simply digging myself deeper into anxiety and despair (=insanity).

Ego is such a driver in so many ways.  It plays tricks with me, making me think that all is well and that I am in control.  So many times that has been proven to not be the case.  Yet, today with the sun shining and the buds on the trees,  I feel ready to meet the challenges of the day.  I simply remind myself that I can only change the things that I can and accept that there is much beyond my control.

Marooned

There is ice covering everything here.  The bridges have been closed for now, so we are marooned on the island.  That's just fine with me.  We have a good fire going in the fire place just in case the power goes out.  That is highly likely because there are so many trees all around, and the power lines are above ground so susceptible to falling tree limbs.

I am going to spend the day reading and maybe cooking something good for dinner.  There is a chili cook off on Thursday at the Sail and Power Squadron, so I have got to get all the ingredients together.  If anyone has some outstanding chili recipes that they would like to share, please send them to me.  I am not going to put beans in the chili but will keep it as a true meat based chili.  We will cook some corn bread to go with it.  I like the kind that has whole kernel corn in the recipe.

I sound like an intense chef from the food network this morning.  That's what an ice storm does--makes one think of food, warm fires, and enjoying being home.  Tonight is my home group meeting.  I am not sure whether I will make the 40 minute drive to get there.  That meeting, as I have written before, is held on another island and way out in the country.  It is a wonderful drive but probably not the best thing to do if freezing conditions continue.

I am planning on having a moment of silence and meditation this morning at 11 AM.  It will be my morning meditation.  A moment to just sit in silence and offer prayers for being here, being present, being in recovery and being filled with gratitude.

Missing my home group

I am missing my home group. It has been about two months since I last went to a meeting there. I have had class every Monday evening and, thankfully, the final exam will be handed out next week.  So I will at last be able to return and get back into my regular meeting routine.

Our numbers at the home group have dwindled somewhat, but that is what has become so appealing to me. It is a small group where I feel very much like I can share about what is on my mind.  I am glad to see these people and believe that they are glad to see me.  It's a comfort to know that they are there. And the drive is wonderful, going over country roads and seeing the Lowcountry marshes sets my mind at ease and my heart singing.  It is just like coming home. 

Sadly, one of the members who accepted the GR position has been going through a very tough time lately.  Her father is critically ill and is not expected to recover.  She has basically shut herself off from the fellowship and from those who would like to help her.  She is angry and feels very much alone.  I am sorry that she feels this way.  I know that we have made offers to help her in whatever way we can.  I dropped off a casserole for her two weeks ago as she was wanting people to bring over food.  I haven't heard from her since.

I know that I could keep calling her but that seems a lot like badgering her.  I know that if she needs something, she has my phone number along with the numbers of every one else in the group.  Seeing someone fade away before your eyes has to be an extremely difficult thing.  I feel for her and hope that God gives her the strength to get through the whole ordeal.  And hopefully, she will realize that she isn't really alone. 

I know that should I have a crisis in my life, there are many people that I can call.  They would be there for me to help out.  I also realize that no one can solve these crises that occur in life for me.  I have to work through them and walk through them.  God will give me strength to get through somehow. Just as I hope that she will get some strength from the God of her understanding.

They warned me about this

I was in my office at the lab again today working on lectures for tomorrow and Wednesday.  I wonder what I was thinking when I had some doubts as to whether I would be busy when I retired. A lot of people, including my sponsor, warned me that I would be busier after I retired than when I was working. I think that he might be right. I haven't had any time away from the office, except for last Friday.  The lectures are something that I obligated myself to before I left employment, and I'm enjoying putting them together.  So I'm not complaining, just chuckling at the irony of the situation. 

Tonight was my homegroup meeting.  As I've mentioned before this meeting is out in the country, in a beautiful little town.  I like the drive out there.  It takes me through the watery marsh habitats that I love, past some hay fields, and country roads that are overhung by a canopy of oak trees draped in Spanish moss.  Like I've written before, this feels like home to me. 

Before the meeting, I finished up the twelve steps with a sponsee.  I've been working with him for about a year.  He has made remarkable strides with recovery.  It makes me so glad to see someone who was in so much pain a year ago be able to change behavior and outlook.  His wife has now gotten a sponsor and is working the steps in AA.  He thinks her action has been influenced by his change in attitude.  I am glad that he is doing well.

It means a lot to pass on to another what my sponsor passed on to me.  He is going into the hospital for some surgery tomorrow.  The surgery will require some rehabilitation.  Tonight we hung close to him and wished him the best and God's blessing for tomorrow.  I am grateful to have this gentle man who is a gentleman in my life.  And I know that many people will be there to visit him and to offer support after the surgery is over and rehab has begun.  We all have each other's backs through thick and thin.  Some  times I forget that the fellowship is a big family, even though my biological family is nearly non-existent.  We are there for each other, bound not by blood but certainly by love. That is a source of great comfort. 

I will check in with all your blogs when I get a break.  In the mean time, wishing each of you peace. 

The tools that I need

I am tired today. I have been to two evening meetings which made for two long days.

On Monday, I went to my home group. We have been meeting for years in an old Sunday school building at one of the rural churches. The building is run down with moldy walls, no bathroom (there is a solution--find a tombstone or bush), and insulation falling from the ceiling.

One of our long-time members, who is part of the governing body of the church, was asked to carry the message that our group wanted to move to the newly built church where there are bathrooms, a kitchen, clean floors, and no mold. Not long ago, when asked repeatedly whether we would be moving, he let us know that he didn't "think" that the church board wanted to have us move to the new church because there was no way to lock up items (he blames the AA group who meets next to us for the theft of a TV). So we recently had a group conscience and voted to move.

Interestingly enough on Monday at the meeting, the Al-Anon/Church liaison announced that the church was now going to repair the bathroom because they don't want us to leave. It's basically too little too late. As one of the members said, "We have put up with enough just dealing with alcoholism. And we have been putting up with unacceptable meeting conditions for long enough. It's time for a change."

I can feel resentment that I have regarding this situation. I don't believe that the pastor or the governing board knew until recently that we were dissatisfied. I don't believe that the message was getting through that we wanted to move to a room in the new church. I am having to let this go because it serves no purpose for me to judge another. We are moving to a different church where there is a kitchen, bathroom, glassed in meeting room with a view, and where we are welcomed. That's the important thing. I need to remember my part, humility and gratitude.

Last night's meeting was fun. The topic was what tools do we use in the program. An actual tool box was passed around and we got to pick up hammers, wrenches, rachets, levels, and other tools that had slogans and Al-Anon messages attached. It was innovative and generated a lot of sharing about what tools we use to get through difficult situations. I think that the best tool that I can use right now is prayer and remembering to place principles above personalities.

Weekend photos

I'm posting some photos from the great birthday cruise that occurred on Saturday. A very good friend of mine celebrated his birthday. It was a good time.

The best line of the night occurred when he thought that this was his 48th birthday, only to find out that it was his 47th. (What can I say....he was never good in math and didn't improve because he was drunk from 16 to 28). Anyway, he said, "Well, I thought that I looked pretty good for 48 but not so good for 47."

Aside from the festive atmosphere, there were some amazing photographic moments as well. So I'm putting a few of those here that capture the first truly chilly day of fall in the Lowcountry.

I hope that your weekend was good. Mine was packed with a lot of good feelings.

Tonight's my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to a week of cool weather, work and Al-Anon meetings.

All seems to be well with my place in the world on this day. That's about all I need as it doesn't get much better than this.

Happy Monday to each of you.

God things

I am bone tired today. I don't think that I have caught up from the weekend. Sailing all day, reading and studying at night and then getting up early to repeat the schedule for 3 days has taken its toll. I think that my body is telling me to rest. So I'm going to take a few hours and do that this morning.

Fortunately, I'm happy with nothing heavy on my mind. I went to my home group meeting last night and did the meeting on Tradition Seven. You know I love those traditions in the program. I used to yawn when they were read. Someone once made a comment that they really used the traditions, and I thought, "How?". It wasn't until I came to understand them in the context of relationships with others that I knew how valuable they were. And that was one of the shares last night--a lady saying that she only thought the traditions were about the group. Isn't the program truly God-inspired when what is written can be applied in every aspect of life--"in all our affairs"?

It's a lovely gray overcast day today. There was a lot of rain last night. And maybe more on the way today. A heavy oak limb came down in the yard while my wife was out with the dogs. She said that it missed her by about six feet. I was so glad that she is okay and told her that God has other plans for her. She said, "No, I'm just lucky." She still resists the concept of a Higher Power. I can't do anything about that. I know that my HP is active in my life. And that has been made evident in so many ways.

Now I'm going to put away the computer and sleep for a couple of hours. I'll then go into work. I'm grateful for having an abundance of sick leave and a great job. And for a meeting tonight that is always a good one.

Have yourselves a peaceful day.

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

Monday's child

It was a nice weekend on the boat. I didn't get out to the anchorage until nearly 5 PM on Saturday. The tides were extreme highs and lows due to the full moon. I anchored the boat a bit too close in though and by 2 AM, I found myself sliding down the V-berth because the boat had heeled over in shallow water. I had to laugh because I hadn't done that but one other time. It makes for snug sleeping since two people are crammed against the bulkhead.

Once the tide came in, I moved the boat out further. We then rowed to shore in the dinghy. The dog had a good romp in the surf. We met some other people who were camping on the island. They had a good fire going but were trying to decide whether to all stay in the same tent for warmth. Nice and cozy with four adults, a child and a wet collie.

We got back to the marina in time to clean up the boat and to put the decorations up on Compass Rose. There were quite a few boats at the marina that had lights up. It just didn't seem right not to have the boat with a few lights on her. I wanted her to feel special this time of year because the time is special.
Tonight is my home group. The old nursery rhyme says that Monday's child is fair of face. I think that I have a feeling of being fair of face today. Although I also think that my face may show the tired feeling that I have after a sailing weekend. The time just goes by too quickly.

And to be honest, I've felt a bit disconnected from some things with the program lately. I go to meetings, but I seem to hear a lot of the same stuff over and over. I give calls to people who are in the program but seldom get a reciprocating call. I see people absorbed with their own stuff, their own business, and wonder if I'm keeping the focus too much on myself. I reach out but get mixed messages. These are all things that get my cynicism stirring. And these are sure pitfalls to launch a resentment. I don't believe that this is a program of rhetoric. So today I'm going to open up my ears, stop taking inventory and just listen. Maybe I'll hear what I need to hear.

A short week

This is a short work week for me. Not only is it Thanksgiving on Thursday but Wednesday is our wedding anniversary. We're planning to spend the day together. So I'll be taking off on Wednesday too. I've got to get a card and a present today. I'm not sure what I'm going to get. It's hard to buy for a person who has just about everything, but I'm sure that I'll think of something.

I'm glad that we got married around Thanksgiving. It was a cold time of year for one. And it meant that we would get a few extra days off for the holiday. It's a bundle of good things wrapped up into one week.

Tonight's my home group meeting. It's my favorite meeting of the week. It isn't a big meeting, only 3-4 of us that are faithful to the group. But there's a lot of good stuff that gets shared during the one hour step study before and the regular meeting after. And if for some reason we don't get our usual "crowd", we then step next door to the open AA meeting.

I hope that each of you is having a good Monday. I'm making the most of it.

Two years of living

Last night's meeting was a happy time. I took a couple of the dogs and one other member brought her dog. It is the way my home group is--very laid back, very close and very accepting. There was food, flowers, cards, and my friends. It just doesn't get any better.

I focused my story on the steps and how my life has changed since coming to Al-Anon. Growing up an only child in a home where my father drank and my mother denied set forth a pattern for me of self-doubt, resentment, and need. I didn't have a clue about how to take care of myself. I would weakly establish wall of self defense only to take them down when someone would come along that I wanted approval from or who seemed more needy than I was. I kept repeating the same pattern inviting people in to hurt me and reinforcing the fact that I could not trust people or myself. I thought that I had this fatal flaw and that no one would ever love me.

After coming to Al-Anon, I realized that to build my self-worth on what others thought of me was setting me up for bad feelings. And I began to understand that my marriage had consisted of two dysfunctional people clinging together for safety from the hurt that we had experienced. I know that I can't blame my character defects on my parents because they had their own issues and loved me as they had been taught to love.

Gradually, I've come to realize that I can accept who I am without shame. I can accept others without judgment. I can rely on my Higher Power as the ultimate source of strength, caring, and answers. It's like learning how to live at last.

Home group tonight

I've been away due to work related meetings for the past two weeks and have missed my home group meetings. Tonight I am going and will get my Al-Anon anniversary chip. I'm happy about this and am looking forward to being back at this small yet powerful meeting.

My home group meets on a rural island and there aren't many attendees. My sponsor has kept this meeting going and those of us who attend are grateful because it is an intimate group who share and care about each other. We occasionally will have a few newcomers but they haven't stuck around for the long-term.

For many reasons, I feel at home here. It's simple, low-key, and true Al-Anon.

Near catastrophe

I had a nice weekend on the sailboat. My only near catastrophe was falling off the boat. A sailing partner had his hat blow off, and I reached through the railing to grab it. As I did so, the boat took a roll to port, and I went over the side. Luckily, I was able to grab hold of the dinghy as it went past and hoist myself onto it and then pull myself to the boat. It happened so quickly. I think that the HP was looking after me.

What is strange is that I didn't feel any anxiety or panic when I went over. It was as if I knew that all would be okay. There was a calm feeling of just being in the water and watching the sail boat move past. It almost felt fatalistic and resigned. Later, I thought that a bit weird but perhaps the best thing to do in such a situation is to remain calm and do what has to be done.

I'm grateful today that I:

• Got through another incident in this life with no damage to life and limb
• Have another day to get things right
• Am going to open up my home group tonight even if no one shows up
• Have learned more about what my role is in relation to others in my life

Hope that everyone is having a grateful Monday.

"Few situations - no matter how greatly they appear to demand it - can be bettered by us going berserk."
--Codependent No More

"If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under - not because he couldn't swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.

Panic, not the task, is the enemy......

We can get back on track by treading water until we regain our composure. Once we feel peaceful, we can begin swimming again, with confidence. Keep the focus simple, on one stroke, one movement at a time. If we can make one movement, we have progressed. If we get tired, we can float -- but only if we are relaxed. Before we know it, we shall reach the shore."

Tired but happy

It was a really nice weekend. I worked until nearly midnight on Friday to get the boat in the water. Stepping the mast in the dark was an adventure! It all got done though and we motored to the marina getting there around 1 AM on Saturday. After that, I just dropped in the V berth and slept.

On Saturday, I sailed to a favorite mooring and rowed the dinghy ashore to walk on the beach. There were a lot of boats on this deserted island. It's become party central at the point but once I got away from that, the entire four miles of beach was deserted. It was a nice walk and a good time to appreciate living in these times.

I think that this is a good time to live. I've seen about the best the earth has to offer. Technology has advanced rapidly during my lifetime. I've gotten to work at a career that sought to improve the condition of the oceans. If things don't improve, then I've seen the best of the planet. So it's been a good time to be alive.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Living in a time where mankind stands at the brink of momentous decisions
• Having seen so many great things and worked to effect positive changes for the planet
• Another day in which I have a chance to do things right
• Life experiences that have been challenging but from which I've grown and learned some great truths
• Having my home group meeting tonight where I get to see some of my friends in recovery.
  

"Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul." Thomas Merton