Tangled up and bearing a load

Thanks for your comments yesterday. It has been an interesting 24 hours. I've gone from feeling sad and reflective to having moments of pure joy.

Today I feel a bit used up. Like the photo shows, I am tangled up in my own thinking and bearing a load that I need help carrying.

Suffice to say that my own character defects have been pointed out to me and that I am smarting from being called controlling. Maybe that's what I am. I know that I have a real fear of rejection. So maybe underneath it all, I do want certain things to happen or have certain expectations, and have trust issues.

It just bugs me when my own defects are pointed out while the alcoholic does not acknowledge her own defects. I realize that as hard as I try, there are still some expectations that creep into this relationship.

That seems to be particularly true when things have been going so well for a while. I let my guard down and feel so much love. That's when it seems that I forget that placing so much love on another can be a burden for them. And maybe the love becomes a box.

I'm willing to concede that I make slips. That's why I need Al-Anon and continue to go to a lot of meetings. I am working on changing a behavior that has deep roots. But I also wonder at whether the controlling is all me. Sometimes it seems that there is also controlling that is done in a relationship through defensive behavior or through evasive actions.

I've read that couples can become locked in a power struggle that is reminiscent of a parent/child interaction. One person may be the child and the other the critical parent. If the childlike behavior occurs, then the other half will respond as the critical parent. And by acting like the parent, then the other half will act out more as the spoiled child. Once again, here is where it becomes important for each person to take responsibility for their sides in this. And to effect change by stop trying to change each other and change yourself.

These are some heavy musings for today. It just makes me realize how much further there is to go in working on myself. And in letting go of the other person.

Al-Anon closing

I've always liked the Al-Anon closing statement. But this part of it I have found particularly moving:

"A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long: Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

These lines told me what I needed to hear most: that I was not alone, that you have been where I am, and that no matter how bad things may seem, there is Hope for the future.

The closing offers a great promise that if I take away the walls that I had erected between myself and others in the program through denial then I will move towards recovery. At the time I started the program, I knew that I needed help but I didn't realize how much I wanted recovery. I had to learn to let down my wall of shame about myself and my relationship with the alcoholics in my life.

The words of the closing and the promise offered is still true today. I've learned by listening to the recovering stories of others I have met along the way and by taking advantage of talking to others and to my HP in order to get a clearer view of my situation. This has helped me to avoid avoidable mistakes, slips and pitfalls by shining someone else's light on my blind spot. I may not always like what I hear, but by doing this I am reinforcing the notion that I am not alone with my problems.

In keeping an open mind, I've had to examine my motives and attitudes. Here are a few questions that I have to consider:

Am I motivated by a desire to help myself and others in this, or am I more interested in swaying someone else to my way of thinking?

Am I listening to the perspectives of the group or my sponsor and actually considering them, or am I awaiting the next opportunity to share my own thoughts?

Am I truly placing the principles being discussed above the personalities involved?

If my answer to any of these questions is a no, then I'm probably not keeping an open mind. If I get over myself and remember: "Keep an open mind, and you will find help," and "Take what you like and leave the rest" then I'm going to find what I need.

Getting through

I have felt foggy in my head for the last day. I have a lecture to give tomorrow, and I'm not as prepared as I normally am. I have everything put together but just don't feel much enthusiasm. So this afternoon, I will devote time to getting my notes prepared.

I have been thinking about last night's meeting. It was one that was charged with emotion. The topic was on slips. In Al-Anon, we make a slip when we slide back into the old way of thinking, when we forget that we are powerless over people, places and things. Slips occur when we forget that there is a Higher Power to whom we can bring our problems when things seem insurmountable.

I can see that Step Three is what I most need to remember when I start to feel unsure. This morning I wrote about my friend and put the note in my God box. I am resigned to the fact that I am not in control. He has a Higher Power and I'm not it.

Just writing that makes me feel better. Amazing how this works.

A long drive

Today I drove to Duke Marine Lab for a meeting. Driving provides a time to think about lots of things including what I'm thankful for. I just have to look at the water and the full moon rising over it to feel grateful and awed by something greater than myself.

Even though I have meetings coming up that will keep me in a room for a couple of days, I feel much better than I did earlier in the week. I'm grateful for being able to set aside my self-will , ego and fears to become "receptive to a larger reality."

Dave asked about what it's like to have a slip in Al-Anon. In the past, a slip for me would leave me feeling really low. I would feel unfocused and often overwhelmed. And these feelings would come up mostly because of a feeling of rejection brought on by criticism or some other perceived slight. I would generally revert to the old way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. I would start obsessing over what I could do to change the situation. And this would happen even though I would realize that nothing I was doing was going to make a difference.

And I would look for a way to feel better by doing anything I could to find solace, trying to validate myself in some way. An alcoholic might get drunk but I would just be miserable and either throw myself into my work, physically exhaust myself through exercise or try to look for validation in other people.

This is a slip, and I know that it won't last forever. It's painful when it occurs, almost like a depression. But I have found that the days when I feel really low, are the time that I need to focus on recovery, get to a meeting and practice some positive affirmations. I know that I need to cut myself some slack and not expect things to go the way that I want them.

As I've read, "we can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today."

Deciding on a slip

Hmmm...talking about a slip may not be a good topic but the kind of slip that I'm immediately thinking of is at a marina. Even though Serenity? is on a trailer, after having dealt with the mast over the past few days, I'm thinking that it would be a good idea to lease a slip at a local marina for a year.

There's a really nice marina that's not too far away that is actually my favorite and has the best prices. It has easy access to the Harbor which is good. It sure would make life easier to be able to drive to the marina and just go for a sail anytime that I wanted. Plus, it's nice to be able to spend the night on the boat in the slip if I'm tired.

Anyway, the slips that I'm thinking of hold boats and ease the way. The other slips that I know of are those that seem to be born of self will and ego run riot. If you pray to your HP in the morning, go to meetings, have a sponsor, and express gratitude at the end of the day, how can you slip? This is a simple program that really works if you work it.

I'm going to slip into my weekend and hope that each of you has a peaceful few days to do what you like.