Wedding anniversary and giving thanks

Tomorrow is a celebration for us--our wedding anniversary.  I won't tell you how many years,  but suffice to say that most people did not give us great odds in lasting as long as we have. I know that most of our friends in graduate school have been divorced at least once and yet, here we are together.

I'm not being smug because it has not been a smooth journey.  And I thought about divorce many times over the years. In fact, after every drunk episode, I wanted out.  I did what most people do who live with alcoholism, I keep hoping that things would change--that she would change.  And in the morning after a drunken night, I would believe the promises that she would be different and meant to quit drinking this time. And the years went by.

Even for a while after my wife joined AA, I did not give us much of a chance. But through patience, respect and growing love for each other, we are still together.  I am at the point in my life where I cherish every day with her.

A lady at my meeting last night has been living with a dry drunk for many years. They basically have little communication.  And she had been in tears at last week's meeting because she did not have the kind of relationship that she wanted. So I shared then that what I began doing that first year in recovery was hugging my wife and telling her more and more that I loved her.  And from there, we began to heal. That is how we interact now--lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you"'s.  It made a huge difference in our attitudes.

Last night the lady shared that she went home and hugged her husband after the meeting and gave him a kiss on his head.  She said that it made her feel good. She was learning that her pride kept her apart from her husband.  I suppose for me it was lack of trust that kept me from sharing my feelings. Sometimes it is okay to "fake it until I make it" to get those feelings back that have been so eroded by alcoholism.

So I have much to be grateful for as we celebrate our anniversary. It is Thanksgiving day too.  I hope that the day will be a good one for you no matter where you are or who you are with.

Nine years today

Today is my 9th anniversary in Al-Anon.  I have told you about all of these years right here. You probably know more about my life than anyone, except for my first sponsor and my wife.  I'm grateful that you have been with me on the journey thus far.

And it has been a good journey in recovery.  I can remember how it started out. That first year was confusing.  My wife was new to AA, and I wasn't sure whether our marriage could be healed.  We didn't trust each other.  It was a rough time.

Gradually, as each year passed, we came to realize that if we applied the principles of recovery to our lives, we could prevail.  I learned about compassion and just how much I loved her.  I realized that we were both damaged when we met.  And as I thought of her as a child, fearful of the emotional abuse from an alcoholic father and a mother who was affected by her husband's alcoholism, I came to feel so much love for her.  I realized that I was wounded too by my father's drinking.  And I came to love him more than ever, along with my in-laws, because they did the best they knew how to do.

So C. and I shared a common bond of children affected by alcoholism.  I knew her pain, and she knew mine.  We grew to be respectful and kind to each other, rather than having the old judgmental and contemptuous feelings.  And over these years our love has grown to where we are today.  Neither of us can imagine life without the other.

I am so fortunate to have found out who I am and that I have a lot of good qualities.  I am grateful for having met so many people whose paths I would not have crossed if not for Al-Anon.  I am glad that you have been along for the journey too.  We have written, learned, cried, laughed, and comforted each other in more ways than I thought possible. Thank you all.

Nine years for C.

We are celebrating 9 years of sobriety for C. this week. It's hard to believe time has gone so quickly. And life is better today in so many ways than it was nine years ago. 

I am not going to write much but will share the last few days in photos. We are together in this life until the end. That is love. 

Lots of years

Today is our wedding anniversary.  I surprised my wife with the dozen reds. And we are going to lunch and a movie. What we do on this day isn't the most important thing. Rather, it's how we feel about each other.

I am grateful for every day that we have together, as partners in this life and best friends. We have worked together, fished together, birthed animals together, sailed together, cried together, and laughed together.

All these years were part of a growing process in our relationship.  We didn't know how to be a couple at first because neither of us understood how to have a relationship.  We weathered a lot of storms over these years. The love that we have did not lessen over time but has grown. Hoping for many more years together, C.

Thoughts on a full life and a life gone

Time has once again slipped away here.  I have been nearly consumed with the bathroom renovations, working out, gardening, horseback riding, sailing, working on lectures for a class, and going to meetings. Some days it feels as if I have taken on so many projects that I will not get any of them done.

I don't think that I am running away from anything by keeping busy. I have looked at my motives and find that I have so many interests and not so much time to get to them all.  At any rate, I am having fun with what I am doing. I suppose that's the important thing.

Today is my Al-Anon anniversary.  Eight years ago I walked into my first meeting knowing that if I didn't change my outlook on life, I would not make it. I was thinking that suicide would be a good way to end the turmoil in my life. After all, no one would really care whether I was gone or not.  That kind of thinking is what brings a person to their knees:  wishing that things could be different, wishing that words could be taken back, wishing to stop the anger and the fear but not knowing how to let anything go or make anything right.

Fortunately, a good friend in the AA program told me that I needed to go to Al-Anon.  I had resisted an earlier suggestion years before that I needed it, because I thought that therapy would be the answer.  Unfortunately, therapy didn't make me feel better about myself.  Instead, I felt more angry than ever because I tended to blame my feelings on what others had done to me.

And so here I am eight years later.  My wife is in AA, sober and loves me.  I have friends in the program that I treasure.  I no longer want to end my life but live it to the hilt. I have struck out to do new things, pick up some old hobbies that I gave up years ago, and have learned to not obsess about what others are doing.  I have a lot of joy in my life these days.  Every day is a new adventure and a chance to live as fully as I can.

I do have moments when I worry.  I sometimes feel sad that we have no family left, except for cousins.  I fully admit that I don't know what I would do without my wife.  She is my heart.  My fear of losing her is kept at bay for the most part. But as we age, it gets harder to ignore the ticking clock.

Her depression remains a concern.  For the most part, she is happy and stays busy. But then there are the quiet days in which I know instinctively that she is depressed. Alcoholism and depression are so often companions in destruction.

Occurrences like the suicidal deaths of Robin Williams yesterday and so many others, including friends of mine, remind me of just how fragile our psyche is. When my friend, K., decided to end her life a few years ago, I was distraught. She had 26 years of sobriety, died sober,  but had suffered terribly over the past year with severe depression which had occurred on and off throughout her life.

People are taken to the depths of despair by depression.  I watched my own mother struggle with deep depression. There is no way to know when a person has run out of options and has decided to make the final decision to end their life.  Most of us wonder if there was something that we could have done.  If any one of the people who decide to end their life had reached out, a dozen or more hands would have been there ready to grasp theirs. But would that make any difference?  I don't know.

Lots to think about today.  A full life, a life gone, and the circle repeats again and again.  Hope that you are all in an okay place today.

Sunday before a big week

We are coming up on one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving. It is a favorite because it is about gratitude.  Even though the Christmas decorations and music are filling stores, I ignore that as much as possible to focus on sitting down with friends to have a traditional Thanksgiving meal. This year we are having over a young man who I sponsor and his family.  The family speaks limited English, but I'm sure that we will share a universal language of gratitude.

Thanksgiving also marks the time when my wife and I celebrate our wedding anniversary.  We were married on November 26 at my parent's home.  It wasn't a fancy wedding, but the occasion was happy. And it remains as clear in my mind as the day that it happened.

I'm not sure what we are going to do for our anniversary.  In the past,  we have worked in the woods, making a burn pile and enjoying being together outdoors. Occasionally, we have gone fishing or out to dinner. Every year has marked the passage of time that we have worked and lived together.  There certainly have been moments when I wondered whether our marriage would last.  But something has told me over these years that this person is as solidly a part of me as breathing.  She is my best friend. Neither of us knew how to have a real relationship when we married. That part has come over the years. And we still work at it. But I know that we are in this for life.  I knew that several years before we were married.

We have put together some Thanksgiving food for Hospice patients.  I have been delivering the packages to 18 patients in part of the metro area.  I started two days ago and will finish most of the deliveries today.  I visit with some of the people if they are available.  This has been a rewarding experience because they are so appreciative of having gift and someone to visit.  One petite 90 year old lady invited me in her unlocked house to sit with her and talk. She was cheerful and looking forward to Thanksgiving.  She asked if I would come to visit her again because I was "good company".

The weather is cold and windy today with the first frost promised for tonight. We have moved all the perishable plants to the greenhouse. The dogs are quiet, resting on their warm beds. I am heading out the door to deliver gifts to the sick and will check up on the boat. All is good here at the moment.  Wishing you some good things today in your life.

A victim of self-centered fear

Today an old friend celebrated 23 years without a drink.  A lot has happened in the last couple of years for him.  He was out of work for about three years but now has a steady job.  He also seldom goes to AA meetings anymore.  Most likely, he will go to one to pick up his medallion.  I remember when he would go to 3-4 meetings a week.  And now he probably hasn't been to one is over six months.

I know that he suffers from ADHD.  And he still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years of sobriety.  But what he does with his recovery isn't any of my business.  I am glad that he has celebrated another year of sobriety.  I can't help but wonder what he would be like if he were attending meetings and had a sponsor.  But I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.

Self-centered fear is described as being "the chief activator of our defects" in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.  The fear stems from thinking "that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." I see my friend as having a lot of fear and frustration.

Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around.  I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere.  I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves.  Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not,  tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are.  People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.

What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness?  I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative.  But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.

I don't know if my friend has victim mentality.  I know that I did for a long time.  I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in.  No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse.  I did that willingly.  When I came face to face with my own victim mentality,  I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.

Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others.  I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse.  I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why.  I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.

An acknowledgment

I'm sure that some of you have been in a situation where you want to say "hello" to someone at a social gathering only to wait an interminable length of time before you're even recognized as standing there.  I recall a couple of those awkward moments.  The most memorable was when I was a young professional at a social gathering.  I saw my first thesis advisor and went over to say a few words. She was really a "star" in her field--the equivalent of a rock star in science.  My first published paper, in a highly prestigious journal, was inspired by aspects of her work.

Eventually, I decided to leave the main campus and transfer to the school of marine science where I completed my M.S. and Ph.D.  This meant that I no longer had her as my major advisor.  But we parted on friendly terms and years later, there she was.  I stood politely while she was talking to someone, waiting my turn to say "hello".  I stood there for over 15 minutes without so much as a eye flicker of acknowledgment of my presence.  I felt hugely uncomfortable and small as time dragged on.  Eventually, I began to inwardly fume.

In hindsight,  it was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away.  I stuck around, feeling as if I were a bother, and was critical of myself while building a resentment towards her.  That situation taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the inflated ego of someone.

Sadly, I've seen this kind of behavior at meetings as well.  Newcomers show up and seem to stand off at a distance, not really knowing what to do.  Or they may flee from the room quickly so that they don't interact with anyone.  It's hard to walk through the doors into a complete room of strangers and admit that you have a problem related to alcoholism in a loved one.  I know that I was sensitive to the critical scrutiny of others and worried a lot about being judged when I first started in Al-Anon.

I remain uncomfortable around people with inflated egos.  I like to introduce myself to newcomers and welcome them before or after the meeting.  I appreciate anyone who is genuine.

This week is my seventh Al-Anon anniversary.  I passed it doing what I wanted to do most--go out on the boat.  Next Monday, I will share my story at my home group.  I don't know what I'll say but hope that it will be something that is encouraging to those who are looking for comfort.  I feel a great deal of humility about where I am in life.  I'm happy to not be engrossed in self so much that I don't remember what it was like to first walk in the rooms, to be the newcomer, to be the one wanting to find a friendly smile and an acknowledgment of hope.

What wears, what endures

Today is our wedding anniversary.  When I think back to our wedding day,  I realize just how young we were.  And how much in love I was.  I thought that the very breath of me came from my wife.  I'm not sure that she felt that way about me, but I know that over the years she has come to love me more and more.  And for me, I have come to realize that the love that I felt back then has morphed into something different but still powerful.

We were married in my parent's living room at the old house in Virginia.  My father bought us a house as a wedding gift.  We were moving out of the state, heading South after the first of the year.  We wanted our own house so he gave us one. We didn't want money spent on a big wedding.  We wanted her parents, a few of our friends,  my grandmother who was over 90, and a few other relatives of ours to attend.  Many of those people are dead and gone, some we haven't seen in years, and others probably don't remember the day.

Some of my memories are that the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony.  My father was cooking biscuits to stuff with Smithfield ham.  The cake was made by a friend of the family.  The dining room with the old Hepplewhite table that we still have in our dining room was filled with food.  I don't remember eating anything.  I know that I did because there is a photo of us cutting the cake together and eating some.  I know that I was in a daze.

I remember feeling like it was our day though.  A special day for us.  I also wished that we could have a get away honeymoon, but we were both busy with finishing up our dissertations.  So we went back to our little cinderblock house, made love, and then met with my in-laws and some other relatives for dinner.  The special day was done and the reality of being married set in.

I think that we both were not only excited but wondering what we had gotten into.  What would our lives together be like?  We embarked on a journey that day, using the skills that we had learned and carrying along all the baggage that we had put together.  Thankfully, we have honed our skills and discarded most of the baggage.  We've learned to shape a life together.  And we aren't the same kids that we were back then--having unreal expectations of each other and everyone else.  Our sharp edges have been softened with each other.

Lines written for a thirtieth wedding anniversary

Somewhere up in the eaves it began:

high in the roof – in a sort of vault

between the slates and the gutter – a small leak.

Through it, rain which came from the east,

in from the lights and foghorns of the coast – 

water with a ghost of ocean salt in it – 

spilled down on the path below.

Over and over and over

years stone began to alter,

its grain searched out, worn in:

granite rounding down, giving way

taking into its own inertia that 

information water brought, of ships,

wings, fog and phosphor in the harbour.

It happened under our lives: the rain,

the stone. We hardly noticed. Now

this is the day to think of it, to wonder:

all those years, all those years together –

the stars in a frozen arc overhead,

the quick noise of a thaw in the air,

the blue stare of the hills – through it all

this constancy: what wears, what endures.— Eavan Boland

What's new?

So much going on over the past week that it's hard to capture it all here.  None of it has been bad. Well, maybe one tiny thing that I'll get to.  Anyway, just to catch you up on things:

• We had a great time at the fair, looking at exhibits and listening to music.  Fortunately, there wasn't a huge crowd which made it much nicer.  The fair reminds me of those from childhood and the sights and sounds provide a great opportunity to people watch and take photographs.  Yes, it's still sleazy but sometimes sleazy is fun. 

Anything fried is here. 

I did this ride.  It was cool. 

Yes, I did eat this. 

The animal barn is my favorite.  Lots of rabbits, goats, chickens, pigs, horses, cattle and more!

• The kitchen was completed! After thinking that we would not have our house back, six weeks from the start all was done.  The main contractor was meticulous. It was just unlucky that for the first week or so, he became separated from his wife of 27 years.  But he came through and did a great job. Here are a few photos of the finished kitchen. 

• And the election is over.  Thankfully, the amount of bashing has calmed down a bit over the last couple of days.  I was happy about the outcome.  Many were not.  I am still hopeful that we can put aside differences and not spew hatred.  I have been dismayed that so many people I thought I knew were filled with so much animosity.  I am ready for all that to end.  
• We have been on the boat as usual.  Unfortunately, we found that a rat had somehow gotten on board.  So for the past 3 days,  I have been rigging up traps to catch the rat.  Yesterday, I cleaned out all the lockers and lazarettes, wiping everything down with Lysol and spraying with a solution of ammonium hydroxide and water.  Fortunately, it has not gotten into the main salon, head or sleeping berth.  I've even had dreams about the rat.  Willard has to go!
• My friend, D., picked up his 22 year medallion in AA.  I went with him to the open Big Book study.  Believe it or not, the fellow who gave him his chip three years ago happened to be there.  D. had not seen M. since that meeting.  And when M. gave him his 22 year chip, he said, "I don't usually come to this meeting but happened to be here tonight. Three years ago, I gave D. his 19 year chip. I haven't seen him since and yet, here we are tonight doing the same thing.  God certainly has a sense of humor." It was an awesome moment. 

I'm sure that I've left out a few things.  But life is going along without too many bumps.  We managed to get through the kitchen ordeal.  In the face of what has happened to people in the Northeast after super storm Sandy, I am really lucky. And today is Saturday which feels good.  I'm off to go to the boat and see if I caught a rat.  Have a good day. 

Blazing hot little pains

This has been a great couple of days.  I shared my story at my home group meeting on Monday and picked up my six year medallion.  We shared watermelon after the meeting.  This group is truly home for me.  I am glad that I have made such good friends there.

Yesterday, I picked up one of the fellows that I sponsor and brought him to the house so that we could have an "intensive" day of working on the steps.  He lives far out in the country on another island.  By boat, it would be an easy distance, but by car, it takes about 40 minutes.  He is 19 and his parents only have the one car.  He also has no driver's license because he has not yet gotten a visa.  His story is one of tremendous struggle.  Suffice to say that he has endured so much to be in this country.

I picked him up around 9 AM, and we spent the day doing work on the first two steps.  We took breaks for lunch, to walk around the property, and for dinner.  He loved the dogs who were enjoying seeing someone new.  They recognize a good person instantly.

The day was intensive, but we had a good time sharing and talking.  I can tell that this fellow is so willing and wanting to have peace of mind.  After dinner, we went to the 7 PM meeting where he was warmly welcomed.  I hope that we can do something similar each week because nothing is better than two people sitting down together and talking.

My wife said later that I was going to help this young fellow to open up and grow up.  My goal is to be a friend, a listener, a traveler with him.  Our interaction benefits me as much as it does him.  And that is priceless beyond words.

I am reminded this morning that amidst the pain of life there are those blazing hot moments that make everything worth while.  I remain the optimist in this life, but I understand the sentiment below so well.


"Sure, we'd faced some things as children that a lot of kids don't......We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up is all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time, you learn something.

Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens. 

And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realized that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.

Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another." — Jim Butcher

Six years for C.

The rain yesterday was peaceful.  I stayed home for the entire day.  We cooked some delicious salmon for lunch, made a blueberry dessert for C.'s meeting tonight, read, worked on paperwork for her parents and the financials with that, and took a nap.  When my wife left for her doctor's appointment,  I decided to head to the gym for an hour of lifting weights and treadmill work.

I had to force myself to leave the cocoon of the house.  We have lived in several homes over the years but nothing like this one that we had custom built.  There's something special about each house where we lived because we had experiences, good and bad, in each.  I can remember every room and all the things that we did to make each one attractive and "home".

But this house that we put our own hand in building is special.  We painted every room, varnished all the doors, put up sheet rock and insulation, helped install the wood floors that are throughout the house,  cleared the debris from building, and  designed and planted the gardens.  And I believe that what makes the house most special are the quiet surroundings of the woods and fields.

Out of every window I see green--trees, gardens, ferns, bushes and lawn.    This is a subtropical climate so lush vegetation is common.  And the animals seem to find a particular haven here.  There are deer that sleep near the top of the drive, wild turkeys that cross the dirt drive, the "raccoon tree" where babies crawl up and down and out on limbs,  and the birds that come to the multitude of feeders set up on a maple tree in the back yard.

And this is the house where we finally came to a decision about our lives together.  It was either going to be a life where C. got sober or where we parted ways.  Her drinking had escalated over the years to the point where she was drunk most every evening.  She wasn't sloppy drunk every night. That was reserved for special occasions when we would go to a social event, or people would come here.  But evenings she would sip wine, saying that she needed to unwind or relax.  I believed her for a while but realized that she was drinking more and more.

I remember her telling me that I should keep the house and she would move out.  And I said that I wanted to go because there were too many memories here.  Thankfully, it didn't come to either of us leaving.  She went to her first AA meeting six years ago this week.  Today she will celebrate that at her home group meeting.  I am glad for her.  Glad that she found a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other and who are sober and productive people.

I'm glad that she got sober in AA and in this house.  No treatment centers, no detox but in a house that we built together and with a meeting in the basement of an old country church.  I am grateful for so much.

Borders

I have finished the classroom part of the Captain's license for un-inspected passenger vessels.  This coming weekend I'll be in the classroom for the Master's license.  This license will be for either a 25, 50 or 100 ton vessel, depending on the amount of sea time that I have and the size of the vessels on which I've worked.  I think that I'll probably have enough time (360 days) on board to get the 50 ton license.

I have five exams to take.  The first two, Navigation General and Deck General, will be taken this Thursday.  I hope to take the next two, Chart Plotting and Rules of the Road, on July 6 and July 7.  After those are done, then I will take the exam for the Master's.  Rules of the Road is the subject that requires a lot of memorization. It is also considered to be the most difficult because out of 30 questions, only 3 may be missed.

I have spent my time studying. I've also found that, while my memory is good, it is not nearly what it used to be.  All the little day shapes and lights and sounds for each vessel type are starting to come together but not at the point where I feel as if I can just reel them off.  I study them for a few hours each day, while also studying for the other exams.

I am not having much fun with this since there is so much material.  It is like being back in college on finals week.  But I keep telling myself that in another couple of weeks, it will be over.  Maybe then, I won't be driving down the road and see two white lights in a row vertically and be thinking "Those are lights for a tug whose tow is < 200 meters".

I have mentally been bemoaning that I haven't been having much fun lately.  And just when I do this, I get a reminder that what I'm doing for these few weeks isn't bad, not dangerous, not going to hurt me.  That reminder came in the form of a share at my home group meeting last night. It was the one year anniversary of J.  I remember when she first came to Al-Anon last summer, a shy young woman who just graduated from high school.

Last night, she told her story of being born in Mexico and at age 9 crossing the U.S. border with her mother and two brothers.  They had been told by the "coyote" to bring enough food and water for a day's walk.  After getting what belongings they could carry, the group of people started walking towards the border.

The walk across the desert turned into three days and four nights during which all ran out of water and had very little food.  J. told of seeing dead bodies as they walked, of people on the journey who became sick and were left behind, of the heat and thirst the group endured.

The group eventually arrived at a house where people brought over by other "coyotes" were staying.  There were perhaps forty people in each room.  The "coyotes" carried guns and threatened to tie concrete blocks to the legs of the children and sink them in the river unless they were paid.  J's mother was waiting on money to be sent from her sister in Florida, but it didn't arrive right away.

After several days with threats from the "coyotes" and with violence among them as one group tried to take guns away from others, the police arrived.  J. and her family escaped from the house during the commotion and found their way to a 24 hour convenience store.  They had no money but thought that they would be safer there than in the woods.

During the late afternoon, a woman and a man drove up in a van.  The woman bought something in the store, came out, and kept looking at J. and her family who were a road worn and sad group.  She eventually came over and asked them if they were okay.  J's mother told her what had happened.  The woman went to the van, said something to her husband, and came back to invite the four of them to their house.  They stayed with this kind couple for three weeks until the money finally arrived from Florida.  The family then boarded a bus that took them to pick oranges in Florida.

After the orange harvest, they traveled to South Carolina to pick tomatoes.  J.'s father arrived here after his border crossing.  The family decided to stay in SC and were offered work on a farm where the mother cleaned, the father and sons worked in the fields, and J. took care of the animals.

Not long after their arrival in SC,  J. was raped by her step-brother who had come to visit.  She was raped later by a cousin as well.  She didn't tell anyone immediately because she had been told that she would be killed if she told.

By this time, she was enrolled in school, being tutored in English and making excellent grades.  The first rape happened on a Sunday.  Because she didn't want to miss school, she went as usual on Monday.  At school, some of her friends knew that she was troubled so she confided in them about the rape.  Soon the teachers knew and J. was taken by a counselor to a hospital where she was examined and evidence collected.

After the rape, she became despondent. She couldn't concentrate in school.  Her grades slipped.  She kept going to therapists but mostly they would ask, "How do you feel today?".  Finally, she was assigned to N. who really listened to her.  J. began to trust N. and talked to her not only about the rape but about how both her parents were alcoholics.  It was through N. that J. got to Al-Anon and the little meeting that I call "home".

J. is a remarkable young woman.  She graduated in the top five of her class in middle school and in the top ten of her Senior class in high school.  She has been verbally and emotionally abused by her father, yet she feels compassion for him.  Her full brother who is a drug addict stole all of her saved money from her.  She called the police who deported him.  She works whenever she can taking care of animals and babysitting.  Her hope is to become an American citizen, go to college and become a nurse.

I know that there are so many people like J.  She has come a long way since struggling across the desert.  She shared that she has found people to trust in Al-Anon, people that she can call, people who won't judge her.  And that she has found her own Higher Power who gives her comfort.

I heard just what I needed to hear from this young person at the time when I needed to hear it.  Amazing how that works.

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern

past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

"How do you know if you are going to die?"

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

"When you can no longer make a fist."

Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.— Naomi Shihab Nye

Turning point

The rain is coming down today and is supposed to last until the afternoon.  I'm enjoying being at home.  The door to the porch is open, letting in the clean smell of rain.  I slept in until 7 AM which is unusual when I'm home.  But today, I don't have anything special to do, no schedule.

Last night, the Tuesday night group had a nice celebration for one of the long time members in Al-Anon.  She celebrated 30 years and talked about the turning point for her.  It came when she was told that her alcoholic son had a Higher Power of his own, and she wasn't it.  To her, that simple statement meant that she could stop trying to force her will on her son.  She could let him go to find his way, entrusting him to a power greater than herself.  I have heard her story many times and remembered the first time she shared that she could finally not carry all the burdens of others on her shoulders.  Her words helped me to shrug off the weight that I carried for so long.

Vanity, ego and stubbornness were my enemies when dealing with others.  If only the person would do what I said, then all would be okay.  But people have their own minds, their own time table, and their own shortcomings.  It was presumptuous of me to think that I could make another person do as I wanted. The cost in energy to my being was huge.

Now when I see a person stumble,  I offer my hand, a word of encouragement, but I don't try to fix or change them.  Many times I have bitten my tongue when I see what I think are mistakes a person is making. But who am I to say whether what they do is a mistake?  Their beliefs and actions are theirs to own.  I know that our paths may diverge and that is okay.

At some point, there will be a turning point for each of us, a place where we either realize that the path we are following is folly or one that will lead us to where we were hoping to go.

In every life there is a turning point. A moment so tremendous, so sharp and clear that one feels as if one's been hit in the chest, all the breath knocked out, and one knows, absolutely knows without the merest hint of a shadow of a doubt that one's life will never be the same.— Julia Quinn

Worms, food, and a wedding anniversary

Another week has begun after a peaceful weekend on the water.  Saturday was stormy, so we sat in the cockpit and watched the storm clouds gather. When the rain came down in a torrent, we moved below to the dry cabin, watched a movie, listened to music, read books.  We went to sleep with the rain hitting the hatch cover over our heads, and the boat gently moving in the small swells.

On Sunday,  the weather had turned around to a beautifully bright spring day.  We took a long walk on the beach, looked for shark's teeth,  and talked to a few families who were enjoying a picnic. Amelia enjoyed her time on the beach because she loves to greet people who pet her.  She says hello and then moves on, wagging her tail.  I like that she has the same manners as her mother, my old girl who died in November.

Beach combing for me is not so much about what I take but what I observe.  On Friday evening, we heard the sounds of thousands of mating bristle worms hitting the hull.  These polychaete worms swarm in a mating frenzy when the water temperature begins to warm.  Their tubes are so numerous that they cover the sand in many places.  Shining a light over the side of the boat at night reveals thousands of the red epitokes.  The epitoke is a portion of the bristleworm that  is packed with eggs or sperm and becomes highly specialised for swimming.  At mating time, the epitoke breaks off from the main worm and can move about on its own. Swimming to the surface, it is joined by the epitokes of other bristleworms. At the surface, the epitokes burst apart, releasing eggs and sperm for external fertilisation.  In this way, the worms can reproduce without exposing the rest of their bodies to danger.

Worm tubes on the beach

There is always something to talk about on the beach.  So many people don't seem to take the time to stop and wonder about what is right under their feet.  Maybe some don't want to know!

We had a foodie weekend too with snow crab and corn on the cob on Friday evening,  Szechuan flounder and crispy eggplant on Saturday, and linguine with white clam sauce on Sunday.  No bristle worms were added though! All the salt air and long walks builds up a healthy appetite.

This coming Friday will be the 70th wedding anniversary of my wife's parents.  We are planning to take them to lunch at a nice restaurant. I'm not sure how all this will go because Mom doesn't really remember who Pop is at times, thinking that he is her brother or father.  And Pop is frail but doing okay as long as the ammonia buildup on the brain is kept low due to laculose.  But then the laculose causes diarrhea which presents another set of problems.  Anyway, we are hoping that all will go well, and the parents will be healthy enough to go out.  I can tell that C. is a bit anxious over the whole thing.

I cannot imagine 70 years together.  I won't speculate on what that takes.  But it takes more than what most people can imagine.  

Help me to.....

The luncheon yesterday for my father-in-law's 91st birthday was nice.  It's amazing that in just a few short weeks, he is now walking normally.  After he got out of the hospital and physical rehab last time, he could not straighten out his legs.  His memory is amazing, and he is very sharp mentally.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, says some outlandish things which actually turn out to be funny.  She had us and the caregivers in stitches with her comments that came out of left field.  I'm not sure that all of it is real, because one moment she can hear things perfectly well and make total sense and the next minute she can't hear and says things that are totally out of context.  But nonetheless, she laughs about it all.  Here are some of the funny things she said:

"I have selective hearing and sift through what I want to hear.  Sometimes my sifting needs some work around certain people."

"If you aren't good, I'm going to pull your toenails out."

"I want to go home and if you don't let me, I'm going to have to get my gun."

"I remember giving birth to both of you and you were a pain."

Actually, most of this makes perfect sense to me.  Being around them now that all the pretenses have been dropped has helped me to see them in a new light.

Tonight, my home group meets.  We are celebrating the 21st. anniversary of one of the members.  That's a long time.  Here is what the card says:

Help me to.......

Cultivate the habit of happiness.

Believe that I am good. 

Appreciate the wonders of life. 

Nurture my emotional and spiritual growth.

Say good-bye to the past. 

Give myself credit for what I have to offer.

Make enthusiasm a daily exercise.

Let love change the course of my world.

Every day, something new comes up that helps me to see life a bit clearer.  All the agonizing over so much minor stuff when I was younger, when I began my career, when we were first married--it all comes down to being real and authentic in life now.  And if that means that I don't meet the expectations of others as to how I "should" be, then so be it.  As long as I can be my authentic self, with full recognition of my own shortcomings, then I am okay. 

The day after

The day after Thanksgiving is one in which I am relaxing and cooking up the deboned turkey.  The old dog is still not wanting to eat much, but she managed to eat about a pound of turkey yesterday.

I didn't eat a pound but did enjoy the two meals with family and friends.  About the only gaffe was when Jess, the new caregiver, was trying to get my mother-in-law to eat more than a few mouthfuls of string beans. My MIL looked at her and said, "Well, I thought that I liked you but now I'm not so sure." And then she laughed and said, "Just kidding".  Okay....they will work it out.  Old people and kids can say the damndest things.

I'm not going to any stores today if I can help it.  Tomorrow is our anniversary, so I am going to get a card.  We are going fishing and will spend a quiet day together.

I know that I was pretty nervous on this day those years ago when we were on the eve of our wedding day.  It was cold in Virginia that year.  And the little concrete block house where we lived was freezing cold that winter because the furnace didn't work well.  I spent the night there alone as C. was staying at her parents' house that night.  Now, here we are all these years later in our own house where there is warmth, fireplaces going,  turkey soup cooking on the stove, and love still brewing.

Hope that you are having a relaxing day.  

Year five

I picked up my five year medallion tonight at the meeting.  This is a small group, but it is home to me.  We had the meeting at my sponsor's house which was a special treat.  There were pizza rolls, cookies and sodas.  We had the meeting, ate some snacks and talked. 

Someone asked me if it felt different to have five years.  I said that it really didn't because the peaks and valleys that were so prevalent during the first couple of years have decreased.  Now I feel as if I am on level ground at last, or in sailing terms, an even keel.  There are still days when things can quickly get the best of me, but I don't stay in a downward spiral for long.  I get back on track by doing those things that I have learned help me to get over myself.   

I am going to miss my sponsor when he leaves in October.  He has been a constant in my time in Al-Anon.  Even though he will be far away,  I will still call just as I do now.  I have tried to not dwell on his leaving.  I just appreciate that he is still here for now.  But I know that a void will be there.  I get attached to people and don't like to see them go.  But I have also had to think about having someone locally who can be a co-sponsor. 

I found someone that I am comfortable with.  I have known him in the program for a while.   We talk like friends so I know that we are comfortable with each other.  I don't think that we have defined what we will work on together.  Maybe it will simply be more like having a service sponsor.  Time will tell on that as more is revealed.

Once again, I am up too late.  Tomorrow is a busy day with meeting a sponsee, having lunch with my co-sponsor, and then starting another marine course on Advanced Piloting tomorrow night.  That course will run for 10 weeks.  The last one I took was intense and this one will be no less.  But it exercises the brain and is valuable information that I can put to practical use when sailing.

I'll leave you with some thoughts on worry.  I think Rumi has it about right:

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

It's electric

 

I am very tired.  But it is a good kind of tired.  I've been out on the boat since Thursday evening.  All kinds of weather presented itself--humid, calm,  severe thunderstorms, 35 mph gusts.  There were mosquitoes and biting flies that seemed to take advantage of the calms and rainy conditions.  It was an exciting time.  And it was also a really relaxing time with naps in the afternoon, lots of reading, and some good meals cooked. 

Today there were severe thunderstorm warnings which did materialize into some spectacular storms with lots of lightening against a dark sky.  The same thing happened at anchor last night.  The temperature dropped about 20 degrees and the wind howled.  I like to sit in the cockpit and watch the approach of a storm.  I don't feel afraid, even with a tall mast sticking up high.  Not much I can do except hope that everything is grounded well within the boat.

My fifth Al-Anon Anniversary was yesterday.  The day passed without much mention of it.  I thought briefly about how many changes have occurred in my outlook on life.  I can feel a difference within me.  It is a good feeling of acceptance of others, quiet faith that all will be okay, and not being driven to  strive for perfection.  I regularly give myself permission to have fun which is something that I neglected for too long.  

I will go to my home group tomorrow night, and we will have a small celebration.  Tonight, I am too tired to write much, but I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for another day,  those that I love, and a chance to keep doing those things that bring me joy.  So little means so much. 

Night, night all.

Five year celebration

The house is quiet now from all the laughter and happy dinner conversation.  My wife's home group came by for dinner before the meeting.  It was a good time.  One of the people here was a fellow I sponsor who is also in AA.  He had not been here before and so enjoyed walking through the house and checking out the property.  And another lady came who is also in one of my Al-Anon groups.  She is much loved by us and said that she feels the same way about us.

I was away for much of the day taking my mother-in-law to a doctor's appointment.   She has lost another four pounds and is down to 103 lbs.  All else was good with her.  She complains about my father-in-law and how grouchy he is.  But after 6o+ years of marriage,  I don't suppose there is much that can be done about that.  On the way home, I stopped to get barbecued chicken, hamburgers and french fries for the parents' lunch.  We cook for the parents three days a week in hope of fattening them up.  How much of it they actually eat is out of my control.  They will get some of tonight's meal which was exquisite. 

C. had been cooking for most of the day which is something that she enjoys.  She made her special white clam sauce over linguine,  a red sauce with Italian sausages and meatballs over spaghetti, insalata caprese, homemade foccacia, and macadamia brownies for dessert.  Several people said that all the birthdays need to be celebrated here.  My Al-Anon friends said that I should host a retreat right here at the house with break out groups.  I thought of Lois and Bill--LOL. 

I am so glad that we can share the laughter with these friends.  To think that five years ago,  I was filled with so much fear about whether she would really "stick" with AA.  I remember that she cried when she got home from that first meeting.  We were still so far apart emotionally at that time.  The resentments, fears, lack of trust were all so strong.  I had yet to walk into an Al-Anon meeting.  That would come on August 13.  In the meantime,  C. went to as many meetings as she could find.  But the welcome she received at that first meeting stirred something within her.  I am grateful that she got to where she is today by getting to where she needed to be then.  Thank you, AA.