Storms and intimacy

The weather here is unsettled, windy and humid.  A tropical storm is moving up the coast and will bring much needed rain, along with rough seas and more wind.  I am planning on staying on the boat tonight and tomorrow to make sure that she rides well on her lines at the marina.

The men's meeting was held Wednesday on the boat.  We didn't get but 2 pages read because each of us had a lot to share.  But they concurred that sitting on a sailing yacht on a brilliant fall day was completely awesome.  We shared about intimacy in relationships and how it is hard to maintain over the long haul because it morphs into something different.

"It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both...." (Lerner, 1989).

Two of the men are divorced and not married now.  Both, who are recovering alcoholics,  are struggling with intimacy in new relationships. Three of us have been married to the same person for at least a couple of decades.  We struggle with how to keep the intimacy present in our relationships that have been affected by alcoholism.  And I know just how difficult it is to not sacrifice myself for another or resent them for their emotional absence.

"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way." (Lerner, 1989).  Learning how to achieve such balance is not easy.  It requires honesty and courage to be together without overpowering or suppressing another.  It also means awareness when apathy begins to creep in.  And so we are exploring the application of recovery principles in our most intimate relationships.

And isn't love really at the root of being with another person?  I don't think that I realized at the onset of my relationship with my wife that I was really seeking a best friend.  Now I know that besides the physical attraction and intelligence, I was seeking someone who would be my life partner regardless.  But the give and take, the expectations, and eventual disappointments can cause a lot of damage.  I didn't have the self-awareness or communication skills to cope with the problems that ensured.  And I didn't have knowledge of the 12 steps to deal with alcoholism.

But togetherness feels much less confining than it was in years past.  We know that we are life partners.  I'm hoping that by meeting with several other men, we will learn from each other about how to make the life partnership happen and get better.

Rain and then sun

It rained most of the night. I put the screens in the companionway entrance to keep the mosquitoes out. The salt marsh mosquitoes here are voracious. I had a dreamless sleep, awakening to the rain pelting on the hatches of the boat.

This morning, I sat on deck to have coffee and watch the rain come down. It is peaceful and quiet at this marina--no loud music, no parties , no drunks wandering the docks. Nothing like what must be going on back at home where more than 300 boats have come in for Race Week.

When the rain stopped and the skies cleared, I walked a little over a mile to where the roundup will be. The walk along the bike bath was scenic as it wound through maritime forest. Oak trees, palmettos, cedars and myrtle bushes lined the path. In one area, there were about twenty bird houses hanging from trees and a face made of shells and plant materials was on another tree. Island eclectic that is so neat.

I registered at the meeting place, picked up my packet, and signed the two Big Books that will be given away to the person with the most time sober and the person with the least. The sobriety countdown never ceases to bring tears to my eyes.

Tonight is the first speaker followed by a late night mini-meeting. I am looking forward to attending everything through Saturday evening. This is my favorite recovery conference because it is so low-key. But it has good circuit speakers, friendly attendees, a nice cookout, and is close enough for me to walk from the boat to the meeting.

I hope that you are having a good day. Mine has been fine in the truest sense of the word.