Gossip

I was floating on a pink cloud being at the barn where I ride my horse.  That is until I found myself surrounded by a whole gaggle of 20'ish females and some 40'ish females who love to gossip.  They gossip about each other, about the barn owner, and about the trainer who says that she knows everything that happens there.  And I am sure that they gossip about me since I am the only male that rides on a regular basis there.

I've never liked gossip.  I can recall my mother and her friends talking on the phone, going on and on about other women.  I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now.  I don't find people so fascinating that I want to think or talk about them for hours.  I suppose that if one would examine motives, it's all about tearing down others.  And that has to have something to do with ego.

I understand why gossip is considered one of the obstacles to success in recovery in Al-Anon.  Here is what we read at meetings about it: We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al‑Anon philosophy. In such groups, gossip can have no part. We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic. Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al‑Anon. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings can defeat the very purposes for which we are joined together.

Not gossiping means to me that there is a safe place in the rooms of recovery where I can share without fear of having it repeated.  I have become more cautious though at meetings because I realize that not everyone recognizes how destructive gossip can be.  Breaking a person's anonymity through gossip can have severe consequences for their business, family, and general well being. And it can damage the harmony of a group.

As far as being at the barn, I know that the less I say, the better off I am.  I go about my business of riding; however, it is a little more difficult now when I realize that the shortcomings of a few people have tarnished the experience a bit. I keep in mind the words of a fellow I know in recovery: "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut" seems particularly apropos in so many situations.

My horse has had an abscess in his hoof.  I have been treating it with soaks in Epsom salts and slathering some nasty drawing salve called Ichthymol ointment on the bottom of his hoof.  Fortunately, it is getting much better and should be healed up in time for his showing debut at the end of the month.  The abscess seems to have come from bacteria entering the hoof as a result of so much rain and the pastures draining poorly.

Here is the boy keeping an eye on me.  We keep an eye on each other, but he is constantly looking for an apple or carrots!

Take what you like

I included a link to a treatment resource website yesterday. I looked at the site and decided that it was about resources and information rather than allying with a particular facility. That being said, I would like to hear your thoughts on whether inclusion of the link or indeed whether my blog breaks any tradition or principle of Al-Anon. I encourage you to express your views.

I believe that we each have a right to express ourselves. When I write about my experience, strength, and hope here, it is my opinion. In no way do I represent Al-Anon in any official capacity. "The opinions expressed are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest".

The Internet has opened up many ways to share our lives. I remain anonymous to the best of my ability. What I write mentions no one by name. And I try not to be too specific when I write about experiences. I want in no way to harm the program that has given me so much. Let me know your thoughts.

Press, radio, TV and films

I opened the local paper the other day and read an article by one of the reporters about celebrating his 30th year in sobriety.  This fellow is a well known columnist and author of a couple of books.  I knew that he was in recovery because he had written about it before.  While I understand the message, I immediately thought about Tradition 11.  

I believe that the reporter's intent was to do no harm.  Yet, the article could just as easily have been written in an anonymous fashion, thereby leaving ego out of it.  I am not a member of AA but read the AA books and pamphlets.  I pulled out the one on Understanding Anonymity and read: 

"As public awareness concerning alcoholism increased, the stigma decreased, and soon some A. A. members began to publicly acknowledge their affiliation in the media. One of the first to do so was a famous ballplayer whose comeback was so spectacular that newspapers lavished attention on his successful struggle against alcohol. Believing that he could help A.A. by revealing his membership, he discussed it openly. Even the founders of A. A. approved his actions simply because they had not yet experienced the costs of such publicity.
 
Then other members decided to break their anonymity in the media — some motivated by good will, others by personal gain. Some members devised schemes to tie in their A.A. affiliation with all sorts of business enterprises, insurance, sales, drying-out farms, even a temperance magazine, to name a few. It did not take long for those at A.A. headquarters to realize that overzealous and self-serving anonymity breakers could quickly jeopardize the Fellowship’s hard-won reputation. And they saw that if one person was made an exception, other exceptions would inevitably follow. To assure the unity, effectiveness, and welfare of A.A., anonymity had to be universal. It was the guardian of all that A.A. stood for.
 
In stressing the equality of all A.A. members — and unity in the common bond of their recovery from alcoholism — anonymity serves as the spiritual foundation of the Fellowship. Back in 1946, Bill W., our co-founder, wrote: “The word ‘anonymous’ has for us an immense spiritual significance. Subtly but powerfully, it reminds us that we are always to place principles before personalities; that we have renounced personal glorification in public; that our movement not only preaches but actually practices a true humility.”  

I am glad to have read this pamphlet again.  It applies as well to Al-Anon where our anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our principles.  A member broke my wife's anonymity, not realizing what a breach of trust that was.  And many think that the traditions were simply there when the fellowship first began but aren't important anymore.  In the age of internet and TV where celebrities shout their affiliation with AA and rehabs are de rigueur, anonymity seems to be something that is broken on a regular basis. One person said that "these are like driving 5 mph over the posted speed limit. Everyone does it and it doesn't hurt anyone."  I don't agree with that at all.  To break anonymity in the media, in the name of helping others, is undermining the fellowship with ego being front and center.

Here is more on this topic from Al-Anon:
Why is anonymity so often a topic at meetings?  We guard the anonymity of all Al-Anon/Alateen and AA members.  This means not revealing to anyone what we hear or whom we see at meetings, not to our relatives, friends or other Al-Anon/Alateen members.  Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence.  While each member has the right of decision regarding personal anonymity within the fellowship, the use of first-names-only reminds us that we are equals in Al-Anon.  This
keeps us humble and enables us to develop spiritually.       From page 5 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity.  The experience of our groups suggests that the principle of anonymity – summed up in Tradition Twelve as “the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions” – has three elements:  There is anonymity as it applies outside Al-Anon, governing our contacts with non-members and organizations;  anonymity within the fellowship; and anonymity as it contributes to our personal growth.      From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity in Al-Anon is a sacred trust, basic to our fellowship and its survival. The principal of anonymity is essential for the newcomers to assure the confidentiality of their identity and all that is shared at the meetings, and with other members.   From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon.  Members uses their full names within the fellowship when they wish. The degree of anonymity a member chooses (first name, pseudonym, or full name) is not subject to criticism.  Each member has the right to decide . . . Anonymity goes well beyond mere names.  All of us need to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing seen or heard at a meeting will be revealed.  We feel free to express ourselves among our fellow Al-Anons because we can be sure that what we say will be held in confidence.     From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual 

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Dual Members. “I am a member of another anonymous program.  Recently I was asked not to discuss it at our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings.  Why?”
Our meeting discussions do not include any other program or fellowship.  When we talk about our experiences of becoming sober, drug-free, or how we stopped overeating or gambling, we take away from the Al-Anon focus.  In Al-Anon, we focus on our common experience – having been affected by someone else’s alcoholism – and our recovery by giving and receiving mutual aid based only on that common experience.  Those of us who are members of other anonymous programs avoid openly revealing this at meetings, concentrating instead on the Al-Anon approach to the family illness of alcoholism.      From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Professionals. “As a psychotherapist – and an Al-Anon member – I feel that my professional experience can enrich our group’s discussion. Why have I been discouraged from sharing my knowledge at meetings?”
Those of us in the helping professions may be especially sensitive to the pain of others.  We may sense the pain of fellow Al-Anon members and wish to share the benefits of our professional expertise.  In Al-Anon, however, we meet and share as equals:  no one is an expert.  Our success comes from maintaining a nonprofessional approach, and from adhering to the principal of anonymity.  We all have something to give and something to take from our meetings regardless of our educational, social or professional backgrounds.       From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Outside Al-Anon.  Tradition Eleven gives a specific guideline:  “We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.”  This gives potential members confidence that their identity will not be revealed when they join Al-Anon.  Also, personal anonymity at the public level guards the fellowship from the Al- Anon/Alateen member who may be tempted to seek public recognition . . .  From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

I am thankful that these programs have in place principles to protect those who attend.  Maybe the message will get through to those who need a reminder. 

Who I Am

Annette asked me in a comment on this blog, "Who are you?". At first I was wondering why she would ask this. Why would this matter? I had to smile when she mused that I might be a famous writer. Thanks Annette--I wish!

When I started this blog, my intent was to remain anonymous. I have gradually revealed more about myself than intended, but that is what happens with writing. Eventually, with nearly 1000 posts, the essence of the person comes out. But through my writing and all of you with whom I connect, I found myself engrossed in a way that was very personal. At the same time, I haven't wanted to know more than what you yourself choose to reveal.

I listen to personal stories at meetings. I remember that my first story told at a meeting was raw. And it was met with skepticism and some scorn. This hurt but made me realize that there are places and people with whom to be totally honest, and there are other people and places where it is safer to hold back. I believe that a blog that is read by many and is wide open to the world is a good place to practice the principles of anonymity and restraint.

I am most grateful to read all that each of you share. Your writings are filled with hope, inspiration, and courage. For many of us, writing is cathartic. It is a way for me to tell my story about what the program of Al-Anon has meant to me. Many times, I think that it isn't really important who the messenger is; instead, it is the message that is most important.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. Gestalt prayer

Anonymity

Lou's post yesterday and Mary Christine's today had me thinking about the topic of anonymity in Al-Anon. The following is some information that comes from Al-Anon literature and provides a good description of why anonymity is important in our fellowship:

Why is anonymity so often a topic at meetings? We guard the anonymity of all Al-Anon/Alateen and AA members. This means not revealing to anyone what we hear or whom we see at meetings, not to our relatives, friends or other Al-Anon/Alateen members. Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence. While each member has the right of decision regarding personal anonymity within the fellowship, the use of first-names-only reminds us that we are equals in Al-Anon. This keeps us humble and enables us to develop spiritually. From page 5 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity. The experience of our groups suggests that the principle of anonymity – summed up in Tradition Twelve as “the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions” – has three elements: There is anonymity as it applies outside Al-Anon, governing our contacts with non-members and organizations; anonymity within the fellowship; and anonymity as it contributes to our personal growth. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity in Al-Anon is a sacred trust, basic to our fellowship and its survival.
The principal of anonymity is essential for the newcomers to assure the confidentiality of their identity and all that is shared at the meetings, and with other members. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon. Members uses their full names within the fellowship when they wish. The degree of anonymity a member chooses (first name, pseudonym, or full name) is not subject to criticism. Each member has the right to decide . . .Anonymity goes well beyond mere names. All of us need to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing seen or heard at a meeting will be revealed. We feel free to express ourselves among our fellow Al-Anons because we can be sure that what we say will be held in confidence. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Special Note: Anonymity is a spiritual principle and cannot be used as a legal basis to shield criminal behavior, past or current. It is wise to remember that Al-Anon and Alateen meetings are not above the law. Members need to exercise care in sharing information that could require reporting to local, state, provincial and national authorities. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Dual Members. “I am a member of another anonymous program. Recently I was asked not to discuss it at our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings. Why?”
Our meeting discussions do not include any other program or fellowship. When we talk about our experiences of becoming sober, drug-free, or how we stopped overeating or gambling, we take away from the Al-Anon focus. In Al-Anon, we focus on our common experience – having been affected by someone else’s alcoholism – and our recovery by giving and receiving mutual aid based only on that common experience. Those of us who are members of other
anonymous programs avoid openly revealing this at meetings, concentrating instead on the Al-Anon approach to the family illness of alcoholism. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Professionals. “As a psychotherapist – and an Al-Anon member – I feel that my professional experience can enrich our group’s discussion. Why have I been discouraged from sharing my knowledge at meetings?”
Those of us in the helping professions may be especially sensitive to the pain of others. We may sense the pain of fellow Al-Anon members and wish to share the benefits of our professional expertise. In Al-Anon, however, we meet and share as equals: no one is an expert. Our success comes from maintaining a nonprofessional approach, and from adhering to the principal of anonymity. We all have something to give and something to take from our meetings regardless of our educational, social or professional backgrounds. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Outside Al-Anon. Tradition Eleven gives a specific guideline: “We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.” This gives potential members confidence that their identity will not be revealed when they join Al-Anon. Also, personal anonymity at the public level guards the fellowship from the Al-Anon/Alateen member who may be tempted to seek public recognition . . . [At these levels,] use only first names or
pseudonyms. In photographs for publication and in TV appearances, faces should not be recognizable. This may be achieved by back-to the camera or blurring of features in some way. It is, however, important to make Al-Anon known through our public information work with professionals who come into contact with families still suffering the effects of alcoholism. Such contacts, or course, make it necessary for the Al-Anon and Alateen members involved to give their full names. Al-Anon members also give their full names to interested doctors, spiritual leaders, school or industrial personnel. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual
________________________________________________________________

Maintaining anonymity on this blog has been important to me. There are times that I wonder about whether I have revealed too much information. I also think that it needs to be clear that I don't represent the voice of Al-Anon but merely my own experience, strength and hope.

One of the great things about blogging is that it seems that there is a community spirit. But I also have to remember that the blogging "community" is "open" to everyone who has internet access. And writing is subject to much interpretation by the reader. There has been one instance where something I posted was completely misinterpreted, and I was judged as unfit to be read. And recently there has been mention of a blogger making inappropriate comments to another blogger in our recovery "community".

I have to remember that blogging is not like sharing in a meeting. It is easy to be preyed upon or to become prey when someone hides behind words. I like to remember that I won't write something to someone that I wouldn't say to their face. And I want to treat people in a manner that I like to be treated and with all the respect that they deserve.

The Al-Anon Marshal

My home group has several newcomers who are just learning about Al-Anon. They have started to hear things that make some sense. And they are also opening up to share at meetings.

I had the topic for Monday night's meeting. Here's how the meeting went:

• Newcomers are really digging the meeting because they are cross talking all over each other.
• I am the Al-Anon marshal (=chair) for the night so I explained that we don't interrupt each other in meetings. (Translation: let's not have a free-for-all ladies. Remember Tradition One??)
  
• The next share is by a newcomer who said that she chose to leave her active alcoholic for her emotional health.
• The next newcomer sharing asked, "Well, aren't you supposed to stay with someone in sickness and in health? If alcoholism is a disease, then aren't we supposed to stick around with the diseased person, just as we would for a person with cancer? We wouldn't leave them, so why leave the alcoholic?"
  
• I, as the Al-Anon marshal, say with a great deal of sincerity that we aren't here to question the actions of another but to share our own experience, strength and hope. (Translation: Whoa, better break this up before things get nasty!)
• Then another newcomer started quoting biblical scripture.
  
• I'm hoping that the bible quoting will be brief. It was. (Translation: I'm glad that I didn't have to explain that religion is one of the obstacles in Al-Anon).
  
• Another newcomer shared that she was accosted by a drunk fellow in the grocery store. He was "stalking" her, asking for help and said that he was drunk. She wheeled around and said, "I'm Al-Anon. And you stink! Get away from me!"
  
• At this point, the room erupts in laughter.
  
• I am realizing that I'm really not the Al-Anon marshal here. (Translation: I'm deputy to this petite, blonde newcomer who wants to take names and kick ass)
  
• After the laughter died to a chuckle, I manage to mumble something about keeping the number for the AA intergroup handy to give to drunk people who follow (=stalk) us. And that we maintain anonymity (=don't shout Al-Anon at people) via Tradition 12.
  
• Finally, after the meeting ended, I talked to the person who had blown my anonymity by telling my story to a relative. (Translation: I had done a Step 10 and needed to be honest about what was bothering me).
  
• I was glad to get out the door and into my car for a fast get-away.
  

These things happen at meetings. And it seems on this night, the meeting was more about how to have a meeting than about the topic. The chair of the meeting is supposed to make sure that the meeting has some order and that the traditions are upheld.

Newcomers are important to the fellowship. Yet, as Tradition One states, our common welfare comes first. I didn't particularly like the role of having to provide a reminder to the newcomers but maybe it will help not only them but everyone else as well.

As my sponsor said later, it seems that we hit on just about every one of the three obstacles and a few of the traditions. It was a learning experience for all of us. I'm turning in my badge for a few weeks.

Tradition Eleven

Steve and I are completing our interpretations of the traditions this week. We started this project a few weeks ago and have worked our way through them. Steve is providing his views on the AA traditions and I'm writing on the Al-Anon traditions. Check out Steve's blog for some great information.

So here we are at the penultimate Tradition:
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

The principle of this tradition is discretion. I practice this tradition by being positive, encouraging, and humble.

The spirit of this tradition is that we accept another person as they are, putting both the Golden and Silver Rules into practice within the relationship. The Golden rule is, of course, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Silver rule is: "Don't do for others what they need to do for themselves".

This tradition tells me that actions speak louder than words - - - live by example. I speak for myself, but I never presume to speak for another, regardless of the relationship. I am responsible and answerable for my own actions, and no one else is responsible or answerable for mine. I owe my loved ones the dignity of their privacy and the right to grow at their own pace. As my sponsor has said, I owe others the dignity to fail (or succeed) without my intervention.

Anonymity in the program is important. "Whom you see here, What you hear here, Let it stay here". I recently had an experience in which a member of my home group who is a personal friend divulged my wife's anonymity to his spouse. I don't think that was appropriate. It violated a trust. Yet, I also understand his desperate reasoning for doing so--he wanted his wife who drank to talk to my wife who is sober.

I'll let Steve address the importance of guarding the anonymity of AA members but suffice to say that there are many reasons. Alcoholism is still viewed as a stigma, medical insurers find alcoholics (sober or not) a risk, job interviewers don't want to see member of AA on your list of organizations that you belong to, etc.

Finally, anonymity in a relationship is that ability to do something good and not have to advertise it. Anonymity is a positive attitude, not complaining when things are not just as we would have them. Anonymity is keeping silent when our partner makes a mistake. Anonymity is saying encouraging things to our loved ones; showing gratitude for small favors, etc. Anonymity is the ability to do good for goods sake without having to take credit or receive special strokes. Anonymity is being happy doing good without expectations of reward or return.

A nice by-product of this practice of anonymity is the spiritual principle, 'what we sow, so shall we reap.' There is no room in healthy relationships for self-glorification and pride but there is much room for great amounts of gratitude, humility and a willingness to be of service to others.

And as far as Al-Anon goes, I don't have to promote the program. I believe that living the program is promotion enough. This does more to carry the message than trying to force it on others. If people want what I have, then they can come to a meeting.

Anonymity

The photo above was taken at the St. Augustine Lighthouse and shows the Christmas tree in the center of the lighthouse.

Here's some humor for you on this Sunday.

This guy dies and finds himself at the gates of heaven with St. Peter. He tells St. Peter that he wants to come into heaven.

Peter reviews his record and says "Well that should be possible, but you need to decide what group you want to be with."

So Peter proceeds to take the candidate on a little tour. The first place they stop at, they can smell frankincense, and they find people on their knees, praying ardently to the Virgin Mary.

"These are the Catholics," Peter informs him, "Would you like to go here?"

"No, I don't think so," replies the guy. So they move on.

At the next place they find people standing up and singing hymns. "These are Protestants," informs St. Peter. "Would you like to join them?"

"Nah," says the guy, so the move on again.

The next place they come to they can smell the aroma of fresh coffee and cookies. There are a multitude of people gathered in groups, smiling, laughing and joking."

"This is more like it," says the candidate to St. Peter. "What group is this?"

"We don't know." replies St. Peter, "They won't tell us."

On the edge

I have felt on edge recently. A lot of my edginess started with hurricane prep around here. I worked in a cave while the shutters were up. That started the edginess.

There was the hype about Hannah and then there was the reality of Ike. I watched the news coming in from a station in Texas like I was transfixed. It felt like watching a train wreck--I wanted to look away but couldn't.

Then there is my edginess over the political process and the bad economic news that keeps coming in waves: Freddy Mac, Fannie May, banks folding, jobs folding, the market dropping, gas prices rising, etc. It's like another train wreck, only it's one that I see about to happen with no way to stop it.

There's talk and more talk about candidates. I know how I'm voting, and I know what the issues are that I care about. This election has me on edge though because there seems to be a great deal at stake. And I'm not convinced that the majority of the people who are of voting age understand how important this election is. Or that they care enough to make up their own mind by being informed.

And I've been on edge over some unfinished business with some people in my life. My wife had a bad day yesterday. She told me that she was having a bad day. I told her that I loved her which was all I could do. And someone in my home group broke my wife's anonymity but is unaware that this is a serious thing. I'm hoping that discussions on anonymity and gossip last night may have gotten through.

I've got a meeting tonight. And I've read Steve's message today on Serenity. (Thanks Steve). I've asked God to walk with me this day. This feeling of edginess will pass. It's a bump in the road that reminds me to get my focus back on myself and to accept the things I cannot change.

Tradition Twelve

Tradition 12
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

We've talked some about Tradition 12 in our various meetings this month. It seems to be important for a number of reasons. First, it's important because it not only protects me but it also protects the program. We've discussed how it's possible that the program would be hurt if individuals touted that they are in Al-Anon and yet failed to live their recovery in their daily life.

It's also about humility. No one need be treated special or as someone's HP because when that occurs it is a certainty that the human who is deified will demonstrate clearly that they are not the God of my understanding. This means that we are all equal at a meeting. No one person's hurt is greater than another and no one's wisdom is greater than another. Essentially, we leave "what we are" at the door and walk in as "who we are". How much education you have or how successful you are or how rich you are has no bearing on what you can get from or what you can contribute to the program. I like what the AA long form of Tradition 12 says:

"And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all."

I've seen egos on parade at a few meetings. And I've seen people hurt by personalities taking precedence over principles. What this tells me is that if we are busy giving advice and not listening or busy arguing with each other, who then is concentrating on recovery? If we are busy gossiping, judging, or setting ourselves up as someone's HP, who is missing our experience, strength and hope? Maybe a good thing to consider about Tradition 12 is that if I am humble, then I won't be too full of myself, will keep gratitude in mind and actually T.H.I.N.K.

T houghtful
H onest
I ntelligent
N ecessary
K ind