Quiet contemplation

I went to a good meeting tonight about meditation.  Meditation is defined as solemn contemplation in the dictionary.  For me, I define it as quiet contemplation. I am able to quiet my mind when I am surrounded by nature.  Being on the boat is one of the most peaceful places for me.  Lately, I've been looking out the window at the trees.  They are a Joseph's Coat of color.  Taking in their beauty quiets my mind.

The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed.  I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder.  I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving.  I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder.  I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.

I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it.   Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there.  Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.

It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws.  But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today.  It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick.  Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter.  In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light".  I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.

I can't change the course of life's progression towards death.  It is something that will come, be grieved, and released.   Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her.  I don't want to see her in pain.  But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun.  Tonight, I feel that we will be okay.  She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.

Marooned

There is ice covering everything here.  The bridges have been closed for now, so we are marooned on the island.  That's just fine with me.  We have a good fire going in the fire place just in case the power goes out.  That is highly likely because there are so many trees all around, and the power lines are above ground so susceptible to falling tree limbs.

I am going to spend the day reading and maybe cooking something good for dinner.  There is a chili cook off on Thursday at the Sail and Power Squadron, so I have got to get all the ingredients together.  If anyone has some outstanding chili recipes that they would like to share, please send them to me.  I am not going to put beans in the chili but will keep it as a true meat based chili.  We will cook some corn bread to go with it.  I like the kind that has whole kernel corn in the recipe.

I sound like an intense chef from the food network this morning.  That's what an ice storm does--makes one think of food, warm fires, and enjoying being home.  Tonight is my home group meeting.  I am not sure whether I will make the 40 minute drive to get there.  That meeting, as I have written before, is held on another island and way out in the country.  It is a wonderful drive but probably not the best thing to do if freezing conditions continue.

I am planning on having a moment of silence and meditation this morning at 11 AM.  It will be my morning meditation.  A moment to just sit in silence and offer prayers for being here, being present, being in recovery and being filled with gratitude.

Prayer and meditation

I have been giving quite a bit of thought to taking classes on Buddhism at the nearby Dharma Center.  The classes won't start until September so I will continue to turn this over in my mind.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but somehow there seems to be a connection between Buddhist teachings and principles of the 12 steps.  

Improving my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation is something that I am interested in doing.  I do a lot of meditating on the boat, but find that when I am back on land and get caught up in my daily routine, I have a more difficult time.  Clearly meditation is an important part of recovery and my spiritual growth.  It puts my mind at ease, takes away a lot of my fear, and enhances my entire well being. 

I am intrigued that several bloggers have shared how well Buddhism aligns with recovery.  And I happened across the following that I thought was interesting.  These are the 12 Steps of Liberation:

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.  An excerpt from Darren Littlejohn’s “The Twelve Step Buddhist"
    

I am curious whether you have some experience with how your understanding and practicing of Buddhist teachings has helped with your recovery.  I am interested in learning as much as I can prior to signing up for these classes in September.  

Reflecting

I am still in reflective mode today. I went to the funeral yesterday. I did not feel any comfort from the ceremony. I had moments of meditation before the ceremony, just sitting quietly and listening to my own breathing. I felt comfort when I left the church and walked outside into the sunlight, looked up at the blue sky, and said my thanks to God for helping me through the day.

I was still pondering the nature of the quick and the dead when I went to the meeting last night. I like this meeting. I like the variety of people there and what I hear from them. Some of what I hear is wickedly funny, some is sad, some is perplexing, but I come away with something real and to ponder. I was glad to be alive. I wanted to hug a bunch of my fellows and say to them, "We are the fortunates who have been given a chance to work on recovery. That is something to be thankful for."

But I didn't do that. I shook hands and kept my thoughts to myself. At the ice cream "meeting after the meeting", some friends and I talked about our sail boats, books we are reading and some other light stuff. It wasn't until we were leaving that I mentioned to a friend about the death, the funeral and the "whys".

When I got home, I listened to my wife tell me that the meeting, which the deceased used to attend, was filled with those who were angry about the suicide. They were also asking the "why" question. I don't think that there is an answer to "why?". He may have lost his spirituality, he may have lost his mind, he may have lost money in the market...it all may be true. I don't need to ponder the question any longer.

So I am letting that go. And tonight I'm going to go rowing in the harbor on a clear and cold evening. Every stroke of the oar will remind me that I am alive. The following is one of my favorite poems and says it best:

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land –
that sacred earth that is your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear – to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

~ Rumi ~

Pulling together

I've been at a work meeting for the morning. Now it's lunch time so I decided to have some sushi--spider rolls, one of my favorites. I've been in an over-air conditioned building for the morning so it's nice to sit in the heat and humidity for a half-hour.

Later after work I'll be joining the rowing team for a workout. We may have eight rowing tonight. It's a good workout since we row for about an hour. Sometimes we have only four to row. That can be a challenge in a breeze and against the tide on the way out.

Our rowboat is a wooden 34 ft. replica of the pilot gigs that used to carry harbor pilots and crew back and forth to ships. I find the boat with it's long oars to be sturdy and serviceable.

We get photographed by a lot of people. There is something unique about a group of people pulling together in harmony to move without obvious effort to a destination. I like the feeling of belonging to the team.

Rowing is a meditative exercise. The cadence of the oars as they slice through the water is soothing. I sometimes entrance myself by counting my strokes. It's a way to keep the focus on the moment that I'm in.

The analogy of belonging in Al-Anon comes to mind. I'm part of that team that pulls for each other as we move in the direction of recovery. I am filled with gratitude for it.

I'm grateful to be a "part of" in so many ways today.

Friday and weekend doings

I have taken today off from work. I'm going out on the boat for the weekend. I'm not sure whether I'll be posting anything until Monday. So if I don't, I want to wish you well until I come back and have a chance to comment on your blogs.

I'm going to get to my usual anchorage by tomorrow afternoon when there will be a re-enactment of the 146th anniversary of the assault of Battery Wagner. The Assault on Battery Wagner brought the men of the 54th Massachusetts and the Confederate forces together in combat.

The 54th Massachusetts, an experimental black army regiment of free men from the North whose heroic conduct and bravery persuaded the Union that African-American men could and would fight for their freedom, waged a lengthy battle on this historic day. Before the 54th, most African Americans employed by the Union Army were relegated to positions as laborers, hostlers and cooks. The Confederate forces fiercely defended the Fort. The 54th regiment lost the fight and a third of its 600 soldiers that day, but gained the respect of both Union and Confederate armies. It will be the first re-enactment that I have seen.

On Saturday, there will be another major party on the island. Supposedly the event will have four bands, beach volleyball, and a bunch of free giveaways. I've been told by the organizers that there will be plenty of trash bags. I'm not planning on cleaning up more litter so I hope they are prepared with an ample supply.

I just want to chill out, get some sleep, go for a long walk and do some reading. This is my place of meditation--my boat and the island. After the last walk of the evening, we will row back to the sailboat and fix a simple dinner of steak and couscous. Then we generally read to each other. Sometimes we read the Big Book of AA and sometimes we bring sailing books to read from--accounts of around the world sailors. We always end the evening with a simple prayer.

After all the party boats leave, the island becomes quiet except for the sound of the waves and the wind. It is a place where many men died. Yet, I think of it as a place teeming with life in the surf, in the tide pools, in the rookeries. I always seem to sleep better when I'm being rocked to sleep by the motion of the boat, nestled against the one I love.

Arlington impressions

The ceremony at Arlington was incredibly moving. I have not been to this venerable cemetery since I was in my teens. It made an impression then, but it made more of an impression now.

I've included some photos of the afternoon. It's hard to express the beauty of this place. It feels like a sacred place. We spent some time here after the ceremony to meditate.

When the black riderless horse came by, with the boots turned backwards, it was hard to not cry. The symbol of the "fallen rider" was beyond words.

Old Arlington house and the lands around it were the plantation estate of Robert E. Lee. During the Civil War, the land was transformed from a plantation estate into an Army encampment, community for emancipated slaves and cemetery.

The property was confiscated by the federal government when property taxes levied against Arlington estate were not paid.

Arlington National Cemetery was established for use as a military cemetery. The intention was to render the house uninhabitable should the Lee family ever attempt to return. A stone and masonry burial vault in the rose garden, 20 feet wide and 10 feet deep, and containing the remains of 1,800 Bull Run casualties, was among the first monuments to Union dead erected.

I think that it is a peaceful place with all the white grave markers. And a reminder of so many sacrifices.

Tomorrow, we head to Smith Island. I haven't had time to read blogs but am thinking of all my blogger friends.

Close your eyes

Last night the speaker at our home group meeting talked about meditation. She has been doing meditation for a number of years and has clinical training as a therapist. And she uses meditation in her practice.

She led us through a meditation. We lit some candles, listened to soothing music and concentrated on our breathing. She asked that we put our hand over our heart to feel it beating. Then she instructed us to visualize the heart beating and connecting with all the other hearts in the room.

Although this sounds really wacky when I'm writing it, it was a relaxing experience. I found that as she softly spoke and I concentrated on my breathing, my mind became blank as I focused internally. A great sense of relaxation and comfort came over me. I felt as if I were truly cocooned and not concerned about anything else except my heart beat and my breathing.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to entrance myself but am planning to try this form of meditation. It was a great opportunity to let go and just be.

office humor

I'm sure that some of you can appreciate these cartoons. I especially like the last one. It typifies some of the thoughts that run through my head after a week of meetings. I think that there would be entirely different thoughts in my head if I had been to a week of Al-Anon meetings. But the work meetings give me a great opportunity to practice the program: "practice these principles in all our affairs".

I got home last night after driving through pouring rain. There were a lot of accidents. I don't think that I've ever driven for 5 hours straight through so much rain. It was nice to be back home, sleeping in a familiar bed and next to the one that I love.

Today I'm going out on the sailboat. Time for some meditation and quiet. It's stopped raining, and it's a nice cool day. Maybe we'll even burn a fire log tonight on the beach.

Enjoy your Saturday.

What meditation does

Meditation is something that I don't consciously think about. It seems that it just happens when I'm in a situation where there aren't interruptions or things to divert my attention. I meditate especially well when I'm on the boat, and I wake up in the morning listening to the wind and the waves. Meditation means that I turn inward in a positive way, but at the same time I'm sensing the outward influence of my HP manifested in nature, in simplicity, in quietude.

Meditation puts a space around me that insulates me from intrusions of the world. I no longer obsess about the alcoholic, work issues, my character defects, or any other outward influences. It is my time to be focused on myself.

I like to let my mind become a blank slate and not ponder the complexities of life--that seems to be the time that I am most in the moment. I'm not thinking of anything particular, but I am soaking up what is around me through my senses. It's strange that I never could quiet my mind long enough to just "be", but over the past several months, I've been able to just sit and not have anything much flowing through me but a sense of peace. It's a good feeling.

Too tired

I'm tired today. After spending two days on the boat, I find that I'm generally beat by Monday. And it seems that I always find something to keep me up late on Sunday evening so then I have to take the consequences the next morning.

It was a nice weekend on the boat overall. The weather was good, and there was actually a cool breeze Saturday evening. It was a bit crazy on Sunday because there were about 75 boats beached or anchored. These young girls were doing what I think is the equivalent of "pole" dancing on various boats. They look to be 20 somethings who have had way too much to drink and are doing their best to be provocative. Unfortunately, their dancing is pretty bad, and there isn't much seductive about them. I wonder what their goal is--maybe just to be seen and appear cool. It makes me wonder what their parents would think if they were there.

I went for a long walk on the beach and found about ten large shark's teeth. It's a great way to meditate--just strolling along and occasionally glancing down to find a piece of treasure.

I had to get up and get going this morning, even though I decided to sleep an extra half an hour. Tonight is my home group meeting. And tomorrow I start a six day ocean sailing course. I'm wondering when I'll get some rest.

Staying in the day but sleep walking through it.

Boating withdrawal

I'm finally getting my sailboat back today. I've been really missing her and the time spent going out. She'll be coming back with new paint on the hull and bottom and a few other minor things done. I started realizing the "withdrawal" symptoms when I was down at the marina on Sunday and walked past her empty slip.

Compass Rose is a getaway place for me. And I didn't realize how much I enjoy having that time to read, write in my journal, explore places only reachable by boat, and just relax. I don't think that there is a better feeling than being rocked to sleep on the water. Well, maybe a few other feelings are just as good, but you get my drift.

Seeing the photo of Ted Kennedy and his wife sailing on their boat after being discharged from the hospital says a lot to me about how being on the water is healing. Even when the body is hurt, the soul finds comfort in nature.

I've been in a meeting all this week about fish stocks. It's a data workshop so basically we sit around and go over data sets, try to determine what data to use in models and whether those data are defendable for the assessment. These intense meetings remind me that it's nice to have a life outside of science. And the boat is tied to that life.

Hoping that you are enjoying your Thursday.

What if.......

What if it truly doesn't matter what you do but how you do whatever you do?

How would this change what you choose to do with your life?

What if you could be more present and open-hearted with each person you encounter working as a cashier in the corner store, a parking lot attendant or filing clerk than you could if you were striving to do something you think is more important?

How would this change how you want to spend your precious time on this earth?

What if your contribution to the world and the fulfillment of you own happiness is not dependent upon discovering a better method of prayer or technique of meditation, not dependent upon reading the right book or attending the right seminar, but upon really seeing and deeply appreciating yourself and the world as they are right now?

How would this effect your search for spiritual development?

What if there is no need to change, no need to try and transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving or wise?

How would this effect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature - gentle, compassionate and capable of living fully and passionately present?

How would this effect how you feel when you wake up in the morning?

What if who you essentially are right now is all that you are ever going to be?

How would this effect how you feel about your future?

What if the essence of who you are and always have been is enough?

How would this effect how you see and feel about your past?

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

How would this change what you think you have to learn?

What if becoming who and what we truly are happens not through striving and trying but by recognizing and receiving the people and places and practices that offer us the warmth of encouragement we need to unfold?

How would this shape the choices you have to make about how to spend today?

What if you knew that the impulse to move in a way that creates beauty in the world will arise from deep within and guide you every time you simply pay attention and wait?

How would this shape your stillness, your movement, your willingness to follow this impulse, to just let go and dance?

From Prelude to The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

These are thought-provoking questions for me. To discover just who I am and to enjoy being that person is something that I have wanted. Now I think that is happening.

I went to see my therapist yesterday for the first time in over a year and a half. It was a "catch-up" visit. He commented on how content I seemed. I suppose that I am more content than I was before or perhaps my contentment was just covered up by all the "stuff" that was running my life. Maybe now I want to be the person that I am. Something to think about.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer from The Invitation

I read this poem today and thought that it captured a lot of things that I've thought about. Some of these things have become evident to me since being in the program. And some are things that I've thought about but could not express well. What she writes about fear in the book, "We are afraid that we will not be enough", is something that I've thought about. It's a good little book for meditative reading. Just wanted to share it here.

Busy world

Today's meeting topic was how best to keep your serenity in a busy stressful world. It's easy to lose track of things because there is so much that is overwhelming. Even choices in the grocery store are enough to baffle me. And if I have to go to someplace like Wal-Mart, I can't wait to get out because there is just so much "stuff".

What I decided this past year is that I'm not going to make lists of what needs to be done. I used to make a list of what I wanted to accomplishment in a day. And I'd worry if I didn't get everything done. I have a mental idea of what I want to do but I don't stress out if I don't get it done. I've also decided not to take on too much at once. I want to have time to take it easy and not become overwhelmed with task after task.

And then there is meditation. I do prayers in the morning and when I'm on the boat, there is a lot of time to let my mind unwind from the work week. It's one of the best investments I've ever made. And how good it feels just to be rocked to sleep on the water.

So if I can pay attention to what my body and mind are telling me, take time to exercise and meditate, and not get caught up in trying to do too many things, I think that I'll have a good strategy for coping with this busy world.

Meditation

I've been thinking about Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out.

I think that I understand the difference between prayer and meditation, yet it seems that during meditation, one could also be involved in prayer. For example, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over is a kind of meditation for me when I am in a stressed situation. It relaxes me and provides a way for me to approach my HP. The calming effect comes with a "solution" to whatever is on my mind. I can then reflect on what the issue is and turn over in my mind how I will resolve the issue and how I can put it into action in my life.

I especially like being on the boat or on the beach and going off to a quiet place to sit and just stare at the water. I have also experienced a closeness to my HP during my morning prayers. I want to take in all that's around me and enjoy the sensations. It's as if a stillness comes over me, altogether comforting. I've read that others simply tell themselves to "Be still" so that they can approach God. I need to clear my mind of all the distractions that are rushing in and the best way for me to do that is to force them out with the mantra of the Serenity Prayer.

I think that over time with prayer and meditation, I will have closer contact with my HP and the message that I receive will become clearer.

Feeling good

Today was a good day. I have felt amazingly good since I did the fifth step. It makes me feel that I have truly made progress.

I met up with some friends from out of town and did something that I have never done in this town before. I went for a carriage ride. It was a good time and an opportunity to hear some new facets about this historic town that I live near. My friends enjoyed the boat also and after they left I left the marina and anchored near the bird rookery again.

A weak cold front had come through and the temperatures were about 10 degrees cooler than they have been all week. There was a stiff breeze and it was a fantastic night on the boat.

I'm finding that I really look forward to my time on the boat. It's a time to reflect, meditate, and appreciate the beauty that surrounds me.

Meditation

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I felt out of sorts this morning. I don't know whether it was from the stress of the last few days that brought on the feelings but I was not in a good place. I felt totally dissatisfied with myself and depressed. I talked to my sponsor at length about how I was perceiving things, and he suggested that I try meditation. He said to light a candle and stare at the candle trying to rid my mind of all problems and thoughts. He also suggested that I get outside and do something. So I did both of these things, going for a ride into town and walking around among the throngs of people and lighting a candle late this afternoon and just listening to the sound of my breathing.

I also read about some very basic ideas on self confidence that can help me get away from self pity:

-Open your heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting you will build self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I. If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I could not do anything at all but lead a completely useless life.

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. Self-confidence comes from being challenged to one's limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Spirituality is going beyond our self and self-interested focusing, it requires courage, independence, faith in our own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama