Tuning out chaos and hate

I have seriously gotten to the point where I am sick of reading and hearing about politics in this country.  I once liked to listen to news, but over the past year I have tuned it out.  I don't even read the newspaper on a daily basis, but prefer to catch up when I can.  Nothing but the same old stuff to read anyway.  And the media are like vultures waiting for the next blood letting to occur.  So I am shutting it out.

I know that I don't have to be in the thick of political discussions, but no matter where I go, it seems to come up.  Even on a trail ride yesterday where there was so much peace, a friend started talking about Muslims and not knowing what had happened to their religion.  I kept my mouth shut.  I don't need to get into a conversation that is going to end up polarized.  And I know that I am not going to change any minds.

One of the good things about practicing the principles of Al-Anon is that I can use them as a guide to life outside of the rooms.  And now, more than ever, I am glad that I have those principles.  Things like "How important is it?", "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut", "Take what I like and leave the rest", "THINK", and "Live and let live" come to mind.  I can tune out the chaos and the hate.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been asked to sponsor another fellow who just began in Al-Anon.  He recently separated from his alcoholic wife and is having a hard time.   The same aspects of behavior that I had are there: guilt, shame, anger, fear, obsession, anxiety.  But I know that we can work through all of these together.  I have seen it happen a number of times.  A sad person becomes a powerful person.  Willingness and trust is all it takes for us to walk together in recovery over the next months.  He seems willing and trust will come.  More will be revealed as we move forward in the steps.

I am seeing signs of spring here.  The azaleas are blooming.  The garden is looking good.  This winter has been mild for which I am glad.  I am going on the boat next week. With temperatures in the 70's, it is time to get on the water.   I hope that you are all doing well.

Those little complications

The shadow of drug and alcohol addiction seem to complicate things even when I am not directly involved.  Yesterday, the complication came up out of the blue.

My wife and I invited a fellow I sponsor and his mom and dad to come over for Christmas dinner. Recently, he told me that his older brother had re-entered the country and was coming to live with them.  The brother had left the US to return to Mexico because he was wanted for drug use and had stolen money from the young man I sponsor.  J, who I sponsor, was concerned about his return and what that would mean in terms of family dynamics.

Anyway, yesterday, J asked if the brother could come here for Christmas dinner too.  I had anticipated this question which is why I had only invited J, and his Mom and Dad.  So I said that I was sorry, but I wasn't comfortable having the brother here, whom I had not met.  My wife wasn't comfortable having him either.  He is not in a recovery program in the US, although he has told J that he has been clean for 3 years while in Mexico.

So now it appears that J's mother won't be coming and probably his father either, because the brother is not invited.  I am okay with this.  My wife was not happy last night because she did not think that J should have asked about the brother and is now hoping that none of them comes here.  Sigh....I explained that J doesn't understand a lot about social etiquette here in the US.  And that he seemed okay with the boundary, wanting to still come over here for Christmas dinner.

I understand my wife's anxiety because we have invited people into our house who have stolen from us.  I feel comfortable with the decision to reiterate that J, his mom and dad are welcome. And perhaps in the future after we meet the brother, he will be included.  For now, it's a little complication that I am not allowing to mess with our Christmas.  I am okay with just C. and me on Christmas.

Personal boundaries are about keeping my serenity.  In this case, a boundary is about feeling safe with someone coming into our home.  Christmas is a time of good will.  I feel good will.  And I wish a holiday of peace and joy for all of you.

Not my zoo, not my monkey

I've heard the expression "not my zoo, not my monkey" a lot lately.  It reminds me of my desire to mind my own business and not get caught up in a lot of drama that wreaks my peace of mind (=serenity).

I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy.  I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".

Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people.  Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them.  I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic.  I seem to be at peace when I am with them.

But social interactions aren't always idyllic.  Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo.  Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.

Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways.  We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding.  Consequently, our love has grown.  We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.

Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up?  I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years.  He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life.  After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job.  Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.

So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind.  While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.

My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.

I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings.  I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.

An acknowledgment

I'm sure that some of you have been in a situation where you want to say "hello" to someone at a social gathering only to wait an interminable length of time before you're even recognized as standing there.  I recall a couple of those awkward moments.  The most memorable was when I was a young professional at a social gathering.  I saw my first thesis advisor and went over to say a few words. She was really a "star" in her field--the equivalent of a rock star in science.  My first published paper, in a highly prestigious journal, was inspired by aspects of her work.

Eventually, I decided to leave the main campus and transfer to the school of marine science where I completed my M.S. and Ph.D.  This meant that I no longer had her as my major advisor.  But we parted on friendly terms and years later, there she was.  I stood politely while she was talking to someone, waiting my turn to say "hello".  I stood there for over 15 minutes without so much as a eye flicker of acknowledgment of my presence.  I felt hugely uncomfortable and small as time dragged on.  Eventually, I began to inwardly fume.

In hindsight,  it was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away.  I stuck around, feeling as if I were a bother, and was critical of myself while building a resentment towards her.  That situation taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the inflated ego of someone.

Sadly, I've seen this kind of behavior at meetings as well.  Newcomers show up and seem to stand off at a distance, not really knowing what to do.  Or they may flee from the room quickly so that they don't interact with anyone.  It's hard to walk through the doors into a complete room of strangers and admit that you have a problem related to alcoholism in a loved one.  I know that I was sensitive to the critical scrutiny of others and worried a lot about being judged when I first started in Al-Anon.

I remain uncomfortable around people with inflated egos.  I like to introduce myself to newcomers and welcome them before or after the meeting.  I appreciate anyone who is genuine.

This week is my seventh Al-Anon anniversary.  I passed it doing what I wanted to do most--go out on the boat.  Next Monday, I will share my story at my home group.  I don't know what I'll say but hope that it will be something that is encouraging to those who are looking for comfort.  I feel a great deal of humility about where I am in life.  I'm happy to not be engrossed in self so much that I don't remember what it was like to first walk in the rooms, to be the newcomer, to be the one wanting to find a friendly smile and an acknowledgment of hope.

A boundary on drunk dialing

The picnic was a fun time. We had about 15 people, most either in Al-Anon or AA, who ate, talked and strolled around the grounds.  The weather cooperated so there wasn't any late afternoon thunderstorms.  Everyone left saying that the food was excellent which makes us happy that no one goes away hungry.

It's so good to be able to have friends over and not worry that anyone is going to get drunk, stay until 1 AM, or throw up in the bathroom.  And to hear so much laughter and happy talk from a bunch of people who aren't drinking alcohol is remarkable, especially when the social scene in this town seems to mostly revolve around people drinking.

So yesterday, we chilled out.  We had plenty of left overs so there was no need to cook anything.  We did go out to check on the garden and picked enough blueberries to have them with meals this week. All was going really well until I got the call last night from my recently deceased cousin's wife.

She was drunk and slurring, ranting and screaming into the phone.  She had traveled back to their home to spend a couple of days. Somehow my cousin's death notice had gotten on the internet, and a friend had called her to say how sorry he was that R. had died.  This made her angry because she now fears that she won't be safe in the house once people know her husband is dead--this being a house that hasn't been lived in for about six years because they were both staying at her mother's house in another part of the state to be near the major medical hospital there.  She kept yelling over and over that "No one had the right to put that he had died in the paper or on the internet".  I explained that his death notice is part of the public record and couldn't be hidden from people.

N. was also telling me how she had done everything she could for my cousin and didn't think that she was responsible for his death.  There was more ranting about his mother and how her shadow person had sucked the life from him.  More tears and drunken mumbling.  This went on for about 40 minutes during which time I was  doing my best to get off the phone with her without being rude. Finally, I told her that I was going to hang up because she needed to get some rest.

I have now decided that I won't answer any more calls from her in the evening.  I am hoping that her drunken call was a one time occurrence.  I know that she used to drink and party quite a bit before she and my cousin married.  She would occasionally get drunk when I would visit them, but over the past 8 years, she has been sober and caring for him.  Now that he is gone, I hope that she doesn't start drinking with regularity.  It's not my problem, and I plan to keep it that way.  Thankfully, she is two states away.  No service is planned, so I won't be going up there to visit.

It's strange that I felt angry at myself for listening to her go on and on.  I wished that I had told her after about ten minutes that I had to go.  Next time, I won't answer. If I do talk to her and she is irrational, I will get off the phone.  I sat through one phone call and that's enough.  I am sorry that she has lost the love of her life.  I feel compassion and sadness about that.  But I am done now with the irrational blaming, anger, and drunken mumblings.  I cannot have a sensible conversation with a drunk.  And I don't have to.

Evidently, drunk dialing has become a problem phenomenon. The New York Times reports:
".......drunk dialing usually limits itself to times long after the close of business and beyond the daily commute. It is in those dark hours of late night and wee hours of early morn, when most people have retired their cellphones for overnight charging, that intoxicated revelers flip open their cellphones and dial into regret."

I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. I get drunk, and I drive my wife away with breath like mustard gas and roses. And then, speaking gravely and elegantly into the telephone, I ask the telephone operators to connect me with this friend or that one, from whom I have not heard in years.—Kurt Vonnegut

'Nuff said.

Outing myself on resentment

I don't know how I used to write every day.  These days it seems as if every day is repetitious.  We are sometimes busy with the garden, the boat, meetings, and going to town for odds and ends.  Sometimes we have lazy days where we read and take naps.  The only difference today is that I am going to write about a resentment.

We haven't yet begun to do the hard things with selling my parents-in-law's house.  My wife has found a real estate agent who will be listing it.  We are in a holding pattern until the caregivers move out.  C. gave them up to three months, March-May, to find a place.  They are still there but are packing up.

I am going to out myself on this.  I have been pissed because I believe that they are taking advantage of her offer.  The only thing that they have been paying are the utilities. They know that we have to come in, paint, shampoo the carpets, and get the house staged to sell.  Staging includes packing up all the unnecessary items and knickknacks that her parents had.

So the other day, C. was told that they would be out by May 31.  Okay, I get that  up to three months includes the very last day of May. But what about consideration for my wife and what we have to do to put the house on the market?  And to top this off,  the caregivers haven't found a place to rent but are moving in with the next door neighbor and her husband.

I know that this is none of my business. It's up to my wife to settle the estate, get the house ready and list it with the real estate agent.  I haven't been over to the house on purpose because I am not pleased with the fact that the caregivers are still there.  Yes, they were great to Mom.  They were also paid handsomely and had a place to live.  Now they are still living there while we are in a holding pattern.

It takes a great deal of reminding myself what I have learned in recovery to keep my mouth shut.  I am telling myself it is just a few more days and then we will be able to get to work on what we have to do with the house.  My wife leaves for a week in Nantucket on June 14 so I don't know whether we will be able to accomplish what we want to before she leaves.

Once again, I realize that I don't have to concern myself with this.  But there is this little voice that likes to pipe up in my head telling me that people are self-centered and think only of what is most convenient for them.  One of the caregivers owns a home on the island that she has rented out, so she is getting income and living now rent free.  Okay--enough of this--I don't need to think about the what if's, the why not's or the yes, but's now.

On other news, we are planning a picnic out here in early June for some recovery friends.  We seldom entertain anymore, so this will be a chance to spend a few hours with people and have burgers and BBQ.

I am off to the boat for part of the weekend.  Hard to believe that another Memorial Day has come around.  Hope that you are going to have a long weekend.

A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

I am your family member, lover, friend.  I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship.  I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.  

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me.  If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself.  I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober.  I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore.  I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting.  I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.  Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay.  I accept you as you are.  I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be.  For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace.  I know now that half measures will avail us nothing.  Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me.  I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments.  When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me.  Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves.  Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also,  let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words.  Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses.  Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one.  Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.  The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

Easing into morning

Being on the water and staying on the boat is working its magic. Just to get out of the house, strip down to bare bodies, and soak in the sun and salt air is a cure for so much.

This morning I got up early, drank a tincture of olive oil and lemon juice and then did an hour of yoga on deck. My back is better today, not feeling stiff. I like the meditation and focus on flexibility. I left sleeping beauty inside but she was soon up and moving about. We have no agenda today because it is just another day in paradise.

An acquaintance has attached himself to me and texts every weekend to find out where I am anchored. He likes to come out on his boat and hang out. Every weekend is a bit much though. I come out to get away from obligations, including the social ones. Time to let him know in a gentle non-damaging way that this boat is not the hang out spot. I sense he is lonely, but I know better than to sacrifice my enjoyment for the sake of others. It leads to resentment.

Time to have a real breakfast now. I'm cooking for her this morning. Breakfast in the cockpit with my wife and our Labrador seems like a way to ease into late morning.

Strange days

I have had a strange couple of days.  My friend who helps out on the boat, and I had a disagreement over a boat project.  He has gradually been exerting more and more control over things that are done on the boat.  I know that it's because he admires the boat and has helped with several projects, including the painting of the decks.

The latest project is being done by a couple of women woodworkers who my wife and I were referred to by others who had seen their work.  They are making doors for the companionway entrance that have smoky Lexan in them so that more light may enter below during the winter.  My friend doesn't like these women and made derogatory remarks to me about them.  He wanted to make the doors.  The problem is that he isn't a finishing carpenter and also comes up with many ideas but doesn't see them through.

So on Wednesday evening, I had a long discussion with him about the control he has been exerting over boat projects.  He does not see his part in things and puts the blame on me, telling me that he knows so much more.

Over the last few years, I see a man who used to be a part of the AA fellowship but has now drifted away from meetings and friends.  He is not drinking but unhappy with just about everything.  I have given him work on the boat because that is the one thing that seems to bring him pleasure.  But I am now suffering the consequences of my lack of establishing firm boundaries.

Yesterday,  I felt the all too familiar feelings of defeat, despondency, and self-pity.  It was so similar to what I have felt after trying to convince my wife to stop drinking when she was already drunk.  Pointless to try, insanity on my part.  I called the trainer and said that I wasn't coming into the gym.  "I'm not feeling well" was my excuse and half-lie.  I wasn't feeling well, but not because of a physical sickness.  It was the realization that I had let the same old behaviors drive me down emotionally.

After some meditation, a cup of coffee, and a good hot shower, I went to the boat and began work on polishing the bronze cowls, stripping off old varnish, and doing odds and ends.  My friend showed up, apologized for his behavior and words, and stating that he had overstepped his "place" by exerting too much control.  I clearly stated my boundaries, and then we went to work on polishing and scrubbing.  We actually had a few laughs, and the tension eased between us.

I know that this is just a reprieve because the behavior will occur again.  I'm not going to plan what to do now.  I believe that my Higher Power will help when the time comes.  I'm turning my friend over to his own HP.  And I'm going to make the most of today because it is all I have.

Thinking of K. today who took her life on this date two years ago. 

Finding a voice

This city is filled with so many people.  Even the grocery store was packed.  And people are honking horns and driving like maniacs.  This country boy cannot wait to get back to the island.

There are a lot of boats here--big ones that speak of lots of money.  This is a wealthy city by many standards.  But I know that there are other areas where things aren't so great--just a few blocks from the big houses and big marinas.  I know that I would not like to live here.

I found an Al-Anon meeting last night.  It was one that was behind a gate in an upscale housing community.  I drove back and forth trying to find it, finally stopping at a gas station where I asked a policeman who was buying a carton of cigarettes.  He told me how to get there--it was a turn next to the gas station into the housing development.  I looked for the church steeple and made my way to where I saw cars parked and the Welcome Al-Anon sign on the door.

I walked in to a group of five people who warmly welcomed me.  It was about one minute before the meeting started. When I told them that I had difficulty finding the meeting place, the chair person said, "Well, we were waiting for you."  That is a great welcome to a person you have not met.  And just like that, it was a meeting of people who shared about how to let go when someone in your life is drinking their's away.

Several shared that they had children who were active alcoholics.  Slob living conditions, no job, asking for money--that seemed to be the common thread for parents who were trying to give love but not support the many demands of the alcoholic.  One lady said that she would send her brother a gift card for a food in a grocery store but worried that he would buy wine instead of food.  Another mother shared that she did not like to visit her son because he lived in an abysmal place, never cleaned it, and played on her sympathy to get money from her.

I thought about several bloggers who are trying to find a balance between love and enabling.  I do believe that each of us has a higher power.  The alcoholic who is destitute and hurting has a higher power, just as I do.  I think that at some point,  the realization that no other human can make me feel better, was the most important thing that turned me towards a spiritual solution.  I have no answers for others.  I am not in their situation with children who are killing themselves with alcohol.  But I can see that it is no easy thing to have your heart being torn from you while saying, "No, I will not send you money."

I am going to another meeting tonight.  No matter where I go, the stories are the same.  And in this city, it would seem that there are so many more people out there who haven't yet found a voice to tell theirs.

Doing for others can hurt everyone

Have you ever done and done for others who you love in hopes that they would stop their destructive behavior?  I have.  I did a lot of doing over the years, but it was seldom about doing for myself.  It was all about doing something for someone that they could be doing for themselves. And that in recovery talk is called enabling.  In the long run, the things that I did made it easier  for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. I didn't do that, although I offered up a lot of apologies for the messes that she would make.

My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn't any long-term binges  or staying out all night.  But there would be free for all's at social events or sipping away at home.  I would start to get anxious about going to parties where I would have no  "control" over the other person. What if she gets drunk? What if she makes a scene? What will the people think?  I would work myself up ahead of time, yet I would still go to the party. I had no back up plan.  I would count drinks.  I would whisper, "Don't you think you've had enough?"

None of this did a bit of good.  She did what she was going to do, and I pretended that all was okay.  When things weren't okay, I would make apologies and try to get her to leave.  Scenes from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" come to mind. Not pretty. 

I probably did many other things to enable the alcoholic, over and over again.  I stuck around for years of unacceptable behavior.  And I hear in meetings and on blogs the pain of those who are doing all they can to "help" their loved ones who are deep in their disease.  But is it really helping?

Helping means to me that I am doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing by themselves.  I helped an Al-Anon friend with some online computer forms the other week because he is not knowledgeable about computer forms.  He was happy, and I was happy.

Enabling though is a different thing from helping.  Enabling prevents others from having consequences for their actions.  And the more I enable, the more I am expected to keep enabling.  At meetings, people share about how they feel guilty because they might not be doing enough to stop the drinking or using.  They have spent all their money on rehabs,  bailed loved ones out of jail, hired attorneys, and still there must be something else that they could do to stop the disease.  And the loved one doesn't seem to appreciate any of it.  Instead, they lie, coax, wheedle, deceive, beg, and ask for more.  We then cave in, give more, and then get asked for still more.  The cycle continues.  We are in the dance.

But what are the consequences of all of this?  I now believe that enabling in the name of being good spouses, good parents, good friends is actually hurting and feeding the disease.  The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  And it is a disease that affects everyone around the alcoholic.

Sadly, it can take years, as it did in my case, to realize that I was not helping anyone and was doing great harm to myself and the alcoholic.  Enabling allows the alcoholic to avoid the the consequences of their actions.  Someone is there to bail them out, put them into rehab, give them another chance, so why should they stop?

It really took a major shake up in our marriage for both of us to take notice and get some help. I no longer try to rescue my wife nor do I feel stifled in doing the things that I like to do.  What I now realize is that until the alcoholic's drinking, thinking and behavior becomes painful enough they will not reach out for help. If I try to help diminish their pain then I am really preventing them from feeling that "pain" that would be a natural result of their own actions. I am effectively cushioning their downward spiral and if I make things cushy enough then they won't even know that they fell. If they never face the pain their drinking causes, why should they ever quit?

Some people will say, "Yes, but this is my child. You don't understand."  No one wants their child to fail, be ill, or be hurt.  But isn't that how we learned when we were kids?  My father taught me to ride a bicycle.  I had training wheels and then one day, he took them off and let me ride with a push.  I learned to ride in spite of falling a few times.  But he knew that I had to learn to keep my balance.  If he had held onto me or kept the training wheels on,  I would not have found my balance or ridden.

I am still striving for balance today.  But at least I know that I can fall and get back up on my own. 

Why I need to have healthy boundaries

Most of us who come to Al-Anon build walls to hide the pain of a life with alcoholism.  I started building those walls when I was a kid, trying to cover up my shame and creating a fantasy world through reading and walling myself off from the dysfunction.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had only some broken down fences with which to establish boundaries for myself.

When I first heard about boundaries, I knew that I had breached many with a lot of people. And I had no good idea how to establish those that I needed to take care of myself other than by isolating. By admitting that I was powerless over others and accepting that I could not make anyone do anything, I have gradually learned that a healthy boundary is one that I can enforce.   It isn't one in which I ask the other person to establish the boundary for me.

I can remember warning my wife before going to parties that we would have to leave if she drank too much--as if that had any affect on her.  I couldn't control her drinking.  I couldn't make her leave.  What I realize now is that a good boundary would be saying, "I'm going to leave".  That is a boundary that I can stick by.

Broken down fences are like broken down defenses because I'm left vulnerable to whatever may decide to jump, slide under, or glide through the fence. And I've had to shore up my boundaries with those who are potentially "toxic". 
It's a familiar thing in Al-Anon. How to deal with someone in our life who is causing a great deal of pain? Detaching with love and setting boundaries are good ways to do that.

I realize that people who don't have a positive input into my life can be draining.  I have to decide what is best for me.  This is not an easy solution but one that I have come to understand by putting my best interests first.  I simply don't have much time for those who are selfish and think only of themselves.

In the past, putting the needs of others first and mine last has done a lot of damage.  I now look at damage limitation  because my energy resources are low, my physical resources are limited, my emotional resources have been battered and I have been beaten down so badly for many years.  I have to be kind to myself so that I stand even a chance to recover from the affects of alcoholism and find some quality in my life.

So I have learned that I do not have to take on the whole world's needs before looking to my own. Others forget I have needs, because I have not shown them I do.  I would be strong regardless of how bad I felt.  I thought that not being otherwise would leave me vulnerable.  I now know that I have a right to have needs too.  I do not surround myself with totally selfish people who have no thought for me except to use me to make themselves feel better or as a sounding board for all they cannot cope with, with no regard to what that does to me.

I got to the point before the program that I didn't like hurtful people in my life, but I also didn't know how to get them out of my life or how to detach from them. It has taken me a while to realize that I don't have to like everyone nor do I have to stick around those people who have the potential to be harmful to me. I used to try to ignore them but found that it's hard to ignore the elephant in the living room. Turning the other cheek never worked because I would just get slapped on the other one. And I don't wish to be a martyr. Now, I'm done with people that I don't want to be with. I inventory myself and make a decision on whether I want the drama or the potential of a serenity "breaker".

"In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence." Thomas Merton

Anniversary, The New D and The Edge of America

I just got back from my home group meeting.  It was my sponsor's anniversary of 19 years.  We had some refreshments at the meeting, signed a card, and lit a candle to remember just how special these anniversaries are.  His XIX medallion was given to him by his sponsor who was given it by my sponsor.  Literally, what goes around, comes around in Al-Anon. 

After the meeting, we headed to the local Chinese restaurant for some fellowship after the meeting.  This is the country so the restaurants are not too varied.  The Chinese one is sporting a sign that reads New D in neon red.  It is supposed to say New Dragon, but I like New D better.  It sounds a bit sportier to me. 

Next door to the New D is Po Boys which is the local pool/beer hall.  We heard Jethro Tull's Aqualung coming through the cracked door as we were going into the New D and then heard Sympathy for the Devil when we were coming out. Midway through the General Tso's chicken and the steamed dumplings, someone at our table said, "Do you smell marijuana?".  I just about snorted the hot mustard due to laughing.  This is back country SC where more than tomatoes are grown.  And that reminds me of Steve Earle's song Copperhead Road.  Sure enough, there is an actual Copperhead Road on the island where I live.  Maybe they are referring to snakes, maybe not.

I got a call from a sponsee today who is fed up and anxiety ridden over having altercations with neighbors who have late night parties and barking dogs that go on and on all day.  He and his wife are at wit's end.  This seems like an outside issue to me, but I suspect that there is a tradition or step that will help even in this situation.  After all, I am reminded most days to "practice these principles in all our affairs". 

I didn't tell my sponsee that buying a town home in a town that is nicknamed "The Edge of America" was probably not the best thing to do if a person is looking for peace and quiet.  When he explained that the duplex he bought is shared with a duo next door who are yelling and screaming at all hours and who have yelled and screamed at him for complaining about barking dogs,  I was reminded of why I am glad that I live on enough land where I can't even see my neighbors. 

We discussed appropriate boundaries such as calling the police and possibly the need for him to buy some ear plugs or make an appointment with a therapist who could help with his great anxiety and pent up anger about the neighbors.  I think that there are choices to be made: call the police, put the unit up for sale or talk to a therapist and get some medication to help with the anxiety.  I have the most trouble with these outside issues that appear to be related to recovery.  I have learned that ignoring a problem until it grows to a huge resentment is not going to make the situation any better.  Life is too short to spend in agony over unruly neighbors and barking dogs. 

Well, I am tired and have had another full day.  Not too much drama.  Just enough to be grateful that I can sleep with the sound of the spring peepers going crazy in the wetland near the house, and that I don't have neighbors or a bar and grill next door.  Good night from the country. 

healthy boundaries

The topic in today's meeting was boundaries.  This is a good topic for me because I didn't learn what boundaries were until I came to Al-Anon.  I had boundaries with my work and professional life,  but in relationships, I didn't have a clue.

My lack of boundaries was evident from the amount of time and emotional energy I put into relationships. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy, yet reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.  So I would keep pushing, hoping to make what I wanted to happen come true. My motivation was fairly simple:  I was terrified of being rejected and abandoned.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.

One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if boundaries are established. 

Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.

I'm just not willing

I have had quite a lot of drama lately with a sponsee. Without going into his story too much, just let's say that he is having some boundary issues. And the main issue is that he isn't respecting his boundaries. He makes a boundary, decides to toss it out and then cries foul when he gets a big plate of crap tossed back in his face from people that he is trying to control. He doesn't like the crap but can't seem to stop the behavior that leads to it being heaved his way.

And when the crap gets heaved at him, he decides to call me and moan on and on about how dreadful his life is, how sad and broken he is, how disrespected he is, and so on. I listen, make a few suggestions, get told that my suggestions aren't going to work because he is special and feels more deeply than most; that he is bipolar and that's a problem; that he doesn't want to be brainwashed by the program (he was in AA and NA but found those programs to be too restricting); and that he needs to follow his feelings wherever they take him.

So the other day after a particularly disturbing phone call where he said that he thought he might need to go to a psych ward, I told him that might not be a bad idea. I reminded him that I wasn't a therapist, guru, spiritual wizard, or Higher Power--instead, I am simply a person who has worked the steps and am willing to share with him how I did it, what happened as I worked the steps, and how I'm doing now.

I have decided that I don't want to be a part of the drama of sponsees. I am willing to listen but I also want to see some willingness on his part to do what is suggested. The Al-Anon books are pretty clear on the need for willingness in working the steps. And the Big Book of AA provides all anyone would need instructively on working the steps (even for Al-Anon although it isn't CAL for us).

I told him to call me when he was ready to get to work on the steps again. I know that I've got to set my own boundaries with this sponsee. I need a boundary in which I maintain my balance and not do for others what they and the God of their understanding can do for them. I want to be of service but not a crutch or substitute for someone's HP.

Leaps and Boundaries

I have been told that I don't respect boundaries whether they are mine or another's. That may be true. I have had a tendency to become enmeshed in another person's life where I feel what they feel, do what they do. When that happens I lose myself which leaves me with weak or no boundaries.

By having weak boundaries, I would morph into being what someone else wanted me to be. This is really a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. It's not possible to be intimate with a person who can't express feelings, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can't be honest about those feelings. I think that this behavior was a way by which I learned to survive.

I didn't know what a boundary was until Al-Anon. And once in Al-anon, I mistakenly thought setting a boundary was something I had to do to someone else. What I now understand is the only person I can really set a boundary with is myself.

For instance, I can't set a boundary in which I tell another what they can't say or do. I cannot tape their mouths shut or tie their hands. But I can learn to say no when I want to say no.

I didn't have "No" as a boundary for such a long time. It was difficult for me when I was younger to say no to those who asked something of me. I would either go along with what was wanted, lie about why I couldn't do it, or just avoid the issue altogether. None of these responses worked because I felt resentment, anger and guilt. Even if I did manage to convey a "no", it was always given with a long-winded attempt to soften the blow. I have since learned that "No" is a complete sentence.

Another problem I've had with boundaries is to not believe it when another told me "No". I would do what I could to convince them to change their mind, to do what I wanted them to do. That was what I would do with my parents as a child, and that childlike behavior carried through into adulthood.

That's why boundaries can be tricky. I have to look at my motive for setting one: am I doing it for my good, or to try to make someone else do something I think is good for them? Am I trying to change them or to punish them? I don't think these are good reasons to set boundaries.

I've found that my boundaries tend to be flexible. I don't like to establish a wall. I also don't want to constantly drop boundaries so that they are never in place. I read that a good boundary could be thought of as a being like a drawbridge that I can pull up when I need to do so.

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome

2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.

3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.

4. Enforce boundaries consistently.

5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :

Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.

Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over

Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.

Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

Reflecting

It's a gray overcast Monday here. It has been sprinkling on and off this morning.

This is the kind of weather that makes me want to take a nap. And after the long weekend, that seems like a good idea.

Here are a few of the highlights and lowlights from the weekend.

The Highs:

• Seeing my first turtle crawl where a female loggerhead laid her eggs
• Seeing my first re-enactment of the assault on Battery Wagner on Morris Island
  
• Getting together with friends who brought their boat to the island to anchor
• Going to my first Aquapalooza which involved bringing in a barge and having live music playing for four hours.
  
• Seeing people pack up their trash when they left so that the beach was clean and litter free.
• The fantastic sunset on Saturday evening that made me aware of why I go to this sacred place.

The Lows:

• Seeing signs on the island that list violations such as all dogs must be on a leash. Enforcing the litter law was all that was needed.
  
• Wild weather on Friday evening that sent waves crashing over the bow of the boat....at anchor.
  
• Listening to a lot of blaming talk about control that I would rather not have heard.
  
• Not having the dog out on the boat
  
• Hoards of mosquitoes that invaded on Saturday night when the breeze died.
  

Today I'm thinking about the boundaries that I have got to put in place in my relationship. I'm sad that alcoholism still has a bad bite that can inflict emotional pain when I least expect it. I need my home group tonight and will be going before the meeting to talk to my sponsor. I talked to him for a while last evening about some conflict over the weekend. I'm glad that I know enough not to believe all that I hear when alcoholism speaks.

All is well

All went well yesterday afternoon. I wasn't even a bit sore. There is a bit of a bruise and that's all. Nonetheless, I went home afterwards and actually slept for 3 hours. When I woke up, I was ravenously hungry but only ate a bowl of soup and some crackers. But that seemed just right.

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. One of the members of my home group called after the meeting to check up on me. I appreciated that as well. I also talked to my sponsor who I will see sometime this week at another meeting. He is home and getting back into the groove of things.

I'm sorry that I missed the meeting last night. It was on unacceptable behavior. I could write a book on that one topic. I won't do that but will write a post instead.

I put up with the unacceptable behavior of others and dished out my own unacceptable behavior in retaliation. I found it hard to change my attitudes and harder to draw a line in the sand that would be my boundaries.

I was on a merry-go-round. I kept going round and round with the alcoholic, and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me all the emotional stuff that I hadn't gotten at home and she couldn't. She was too sick, and I was also sick.

I was expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship that was abnormal. There was no way that I could get health from sickness, or get God to answer my selfish prayers to work a miracle on another. I was having problems with my own addiction to the alcoholic. Her drinking perpetuated her illness and my compulsion to make her stop or behave differently perpetuated mine.

The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." I found that I don't need permission to move my life in a direction of peace of mind and serenity. I don't need permission from the alcoholic or anyone else to change toward the better. I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know." Yet ultimately I owed it to myself to have dignity and a sense of self-worth. But that won't happen if I had continued a posture of "submission to a degrading situation."

I like having a boat analogy (surprise!). I found that I was missing out on a lot of life by waiting around for others to change. I was waiting for their boat to sail back into port. And in reality I didn't know if they were even on a boat. So I began to change my own behavior and quit waiting around for others to join me. Luckily my wife decided that she wanted to make her own changes.

It's up to me to get rid of my unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic may or may not do so. She may miss the boat entirely. If you're living with the disease, you can make changes anytime you like. Now might be a good time.

"I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me. " from Courage to Change.

"When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair? Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?" from One Day at a Time

Unacceptable behavior

I got a good night's sleep and am enjoying the cool morning here. I'm staying at a hotel right on the beach. I hope to get out for a walk later today. And later tonight I want to find some seafood, preferably steamers, to eat. I miss eating those tasty mollusks.

I talked to my sponsor and the topic for my home group meeting last night was dealing with unacceptable behavior. I'm sorry that I missed it because it is a topic that I struggle with often. My meter for unacceptable behavior can have a wide range. I'm dealing with an alcoholic in recovery so drunken acting out isn't an issue. But angry outbursts and self-centeredness still occur. I can usually shrug off unacceptable behavior in the people that I love, but there are times when I simply buy into what's going on and build a resentment. And eventually that resentment leads to anger.

I have learned to inventory my feelings. And I know that I am powerless over others. But when unacceptable behavior occurs, I don't think that I need to always ignore it. Sometimes it doesn't warrant ignoring.

I have boundaries and when those get crossed, then it's time for me to detach from the other person. And as I do, I realize that wanting another to be reasonable, wanting another to see my view, or to make amends is not something that I can control. As long as I take care of myself and keep my boundaries intact, then I can deal with unacceptable behavior in a manageable way.

Comment moderation

I did something that grates me some. I went to comment moderation. I caved in due to the number of repetitive, boring, and useless comments that I was getting from a particular blogger. I've had no wish to rankle anyone. I have minded my business and basically kept deleting and deleting the comments that were left by a troll.

Comment moderation is like a boundary. And I decided that mine was being breached. So today I came to realize that my time was much better spent not having to delete posted comments. I would rather be spending that time writing something in my journal or reading a good book. Or doing a million other things that bring some satisfaction.

So like Scott said in his blog, the troll is dead to me now. I've rubbed out an irritant.

To The Troll

This is just to say
I have enabled comment moderation
the comments are no more
that were on
the blog

and which
you were probably hoping
that I would read and maybe heed

Forgive me but
they were so poorly done
so boring
and so useless that I got rid of each and every one