Courage to Change

I just returned home from the Al-Anon fall conference.  It was an inspiring event with excellent speakers for both Al-Anon and AA.  When I go to these conferences, I come away with rose-colored glasses firmly in place.  I feel peaceful and thankful for having a program of recovery.

In one of the workshops I attended, I heard how fortunate we are to be around others who are working on their recovery.  This re-affirmed that I do belong in the rooms of Al-Anon.  I also know that most of us who are there still have character defects that can arise again and again.  In the workshop about Courage to Change, we were asked to list those things that we could like to change about ourselves.  I wrote:

• I would like to change my lack of trust in others
• I would like to be less critical of myself
• I would like to lose my fear of rejection

These old feelings have been around for a while--probably most of my life.  My lack of trust in others is something that evolved over years of deception and emotional abuse.  While I have a much healthier outlook today, I am still wary around those who I sense can hurt me through their gossip, jealousy or dissatisfaction with life.  I still believe in my intuition about whom I trust. 

Being less critical of myself has been a lifelong pursuit.  I have had a lot of success in several pursuits in my life, and yet, I still doubt that I am worthy at times.  I make myself step out of my comfort zone, teach myself new skills, pursue new hobbies, and tell myself that is growth.  But it also can set me up for a feeling of failure.  I am getting to that age where I don't really have to prove anything, yet I keep pushing myself to do new things---maybe because of the third item on my list of things to change.....

My fear of rejection.  This is a theme through all of my life.  I have days when I don't feel it acutely.  I am good at covering it up.  And then there are days when it wants to sabotage everything that is good, pushing me to isolate and fulfill my fear.  These thoughts are deep seated.  I know that if I am accepting of myself and am spiritually fit, the fear goes away.  So I keep working on the Face Everything And Recover definition of FEAR, instead of the F#*k Everything and Run part. 

This is not meant to be a bummer of a post.  I am sharing where my head is today.  I am grateful, working on my attitude of gratitude, and glad to have many options for my recovery.  And it is a beautiful afternoon to get outside and enjoy the sunshine.  

Changes and hope

I am thinking about the outpouring of love that has occurred since the shooting of nine people at Emanuel AME church during their Bible study last week.  In a show of unity,  over 15,000 people joined hands to span the long bridge that reaches across the Cooper River to Charleston.  I was there, among a throng of people who came together to support each other and show that the actions of a deranged killer would not tear the community apart.

The 7 year old, who drew the picture above, depicts what I felt--light and love. Don't misunderstand though. There are difficult days ahead for this community and this state.  The Confederate flag which has been flown on the State House grounds and on the dome of the state capitol will come down, as it is coming down in the South and no longer being offered by retail giants.  It is time, past time, for the Civil War and all it stood for to be in the past.

Make no mistake that there is much resentment about this, for there are those who cling to it as a symbol of segregation and hate.  And thus, the voices and whispers of racism and bigotry will continue. I didn't grow up with those voices. In fact, I only began to hear them after we moved to South Carolina. And the voices have been prevalent in recent years, more than ever.  I remain hopeful though that other voices will drown out the ones who huddle in grand homes or walk the aisles of state government convinced of their superiority over anyone who is not white.  I harbor this hope that what we have been seeing is a sort of last gasp of the real hate - that this moment we are in represents the violent, cathartic end of the dark forces of division in the deep South. The outpouring of love needs to continue every day to keep those voices from drowning out the good.

These words resonate with me now more than ever:
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don’t stand in the doorway
Don’t block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’
It’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin’~Bob Dylan

The times indeed are changing.  And for me change can't come soon enough. I am clinging to a glimmer of hope that the changes happening will be without further bloodshed.

Pain and desperation

My little home group that has been struggling with attendance lately suddenly had three newcomers show up the other night.  A mother and two daughters came through the door looking for help for a husband/father and son/sibling who are active alcoholics.

The first night they didn't say much, but all of them indicated they were in a crisis.  Last night, the wife shared about the husband's DUI and fears that he is going to kill himself or others driving drunk.  The daughter shared about her brother who has severe health issues resulting from alcoholic drinking.

This sad story is repeated over and over again in countless rooms every day.  The sad part is that the people who come to Al-Anon as newcomers think their story is unique.  They are so demoralized and beaten down by their situation that they can't understand why any of the other people in the room could be smiling and actually enjoying life.  All the newcomer feels is pain and desperation.

I know that when I first went to a meeting, I didn't want to hear the laughter or see the smiles. How could anyone possibly be happy when I was so miserable? Long before going to Al-Anon, I called the AA hotline hoping to get help for my wife.  We had a particularly bad evening that night.  Most evenings were bad when she drank, but this one was particularly volatile.

We had gone to a party and that meant there was no way to control her drinking. My whispers of "Don't you think you've had enough?" were ignored.  She drank more, and my anxiety increased.  When I was able to eventually get her to leave, she was angry, and so was I.  The anger boiled over after we got home. Arguing with a drunk is pointless.  I know that now. But back then, I didn't know anything except how to provoke the situation.

So I proceeded to tell her that she needed help; that she had a problem; that I was embarrassed with her drinking.  She began to talk about wishing she was dead. She cried and ripped her silk blouse open, mumbling that she could see that I didn't love her.  It was a terrible night.

After getting her to bed,  I sat for a while in the dark.  And then I decided to call the AA hotline.  I explained what had happened and that my wife needed help.  I remember the person on the line told me that my wife had to make a decision about going to AA--she couldn't be forced by me.  And I was told that I was the one who needed to get help in Al-Anon.  I could hear laughter in the background. That was the last thing that I wanted to hear.  How could anyone be laughing when I was in such pain?  And why would anyone suggest that I needed help?  I just needed my wife to get sober, and I would be fine.  I was more despondent when I hung up the phone.  Feeling utterly alone,  I remember sitting up until well after 4 AM, feeling as if my heart was being ripped from my body.

Today, so much is different.  My wife has been sober for over 8 years, and I have been in Al-Anon for that long as well.   I can laugh now.  The lonely days and nights aren't filled with the anxiety of alcoholism.  My situation wasn't unique. The common denominator was the fear and self-loathing that alcoholism creates.

I know that these newcomers will come to find happiness and will laugh again if they keep coming to meetings.  It is a safe place where we are all equals and are on the same journey.

Pandora has a new box

Pandora, my in-laws cat, is having to adjust to a new life at our house.  She may be nearly 13 years old. It's hard to know her birthday because she was adopted by my wife's parents when she was abandoned years ago.

She was much loved by them, perching in Pop's lap when he read the paper or watched television.  Pandora was by Mom's side during her last days and stayed with her after she died.

Now she is here with us, in a strange house, having to adjust to two other cats who are amiable but not to her liking.  I am sure that things will sort themselves out as they usually do with animals.  There is much posturing and hissing from her.  She runs for cover into her crate, but then will venture out to be petted and hugged.  Animals learn to adapt, but I feel sad that she doesn't have the comfort and familiar smells of her human's house.

Tomorrow, we will collect the keys to the house and can begin to make the necessary fix-ups of waxing floors, painting the interior and cleaning carpets before listing the house.  The caregivers are staying until the very last minute--the stroke of midnight.  I say nothing because this is not my business.

This morning I worked out, went to a meeting, and then to lunch with my sponsor.  He has had a challenging time lately, but is also learning to adapt to situations that are different.  I only wish that we humans could make transitions as easily as our animals, not holding on to things, working thoughts and emotions over and over in our heads.

It is going to be a beautiful weekend here.  The heat has moved in though which means humidity is not far behind.  Next week I am leaving on the boat for a few days.  This weekend I'll be doing some towing on the water, delivering gas to those who run out, bringing boats whose engines have quit back to marinas and landings, and pulling people off of shoals.  Even though the days are long, it's never a dull moment when people and boats are involved.  But I'm using my Captain's license which is good.

Happy Friday to all of you.

Resisting change

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." 

— Lao Tzu

One of my favorite and long-time blogging friends, Dave, at Higher Powered has decided to stop his daily blog after 3514 posts.  He was one of the first bloggers that I read when I started. Dave, Mary Christine, Pammie, Scott W., Scout, Meg, Tab, and several others were inspiring to me.  I've said before that blogging is like a community or even a neighborhood.  New people come in, and sometimes the ones who have been around for a long time decide it's time to move on.  I will miss Dave, just as I've missed others who have stopped writing. But like most things, it's flexible.  There are no musts.  I like that.

One of the great things about blogging is that you come through with comments that help me.  Your thoughts about my MIL were helpful and comforting.  I think that Hospice may be the best thing for her. Having the Hospice folks come to her house and work with the caregivers already there will be good.

When I visited her yesterday, I was happy that she knew who I was.   I did get her to eat a little something too.  She has a sense of humor still, telling me that she didn't feel too "Christmasy" yet.  Her speech is impaired so it's hard to understand her.  I photographed her.  I've been doing this over the years but want to capture as much of her as possible.  It feels urgent to do so now.

People come and go in our lives.  Some are with us for decades.  We get used to them being around.  And then, one day they are gone.  I am accepting of that, even though there is some part of me that grieves for the loss, doesn't like the absence, resists changes.

“I give you this to take with you:

Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can

begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” 

― Judith Minty