Dog days of summer

We are in the dog days of summer here: thunderstorms every evening, humid and hot air making it difficult to do many tasks outside.  Yet, the afternoons have been breezy, offering a respite from the mid-day heat.  And the rain after the thunderstorms has made all the gardens lush with growth.  We are still gathering vegetables which make for great salads and go into the morning juice that I make for myself.

This weekend is the big regatta on the island.  Thousands of people and hundreds of boats will converge on one of the small creeks to drink and hang out.  In years past, it was dubbed the largest floating cocktail party in the state. Oddly, even though I live here, I have not been on the water when the regatta occurred.  A friend offered to take us this weekend on his small boat, but we declined.  Spending the day watching other people drink themselves silly on boats doesn't seem like a relaxing time.

Actually, we haven't decided what to do this weekend.  I thought about going to a museum in the upstate to see the Titantic artifact exhibit.  We talked about going on the boat up the coast.  I'm sure that we will find something to do that will we will enjoy.  It never fails that what we both need will be presented in some way as a new adventure.

For two days now, my wife has seemed happier.  I'm glad for that.  Earlier this week, I felt stuck and lonely, mired in self pity about spending my whole life with someone who has either suffered from alcoholism or depression.  These are the moments when I hyperfocus on happy, laughing couples who seem to exude balance.  These are the times when I focus on what is wrong with us as a couple, how incompatible we seem.  These are the moments when I despair for signs of affection and laugher and love.  And these are the times that I forget about the good times that we have shared.

Dissatisfaction will settle on my shoulders, and I'll long to shake it off.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I see that my wife is one of the best people that I know.  She is truly kind, generous, honest, and lovely.  She has helped me to unhinge myself from my own upbringing of being critical, judgmental, and serious.  I still have a ways to go though when it comes to getting dragged down by the moods of others.  I've said it here before: Alcoholism is a lonely disease not only for the alcoholic but for the family members as well.  So is depression.


Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would. ― Elizabeth Wurtzel

A serving of self-pity

Thanksgiving is coming up next week.  It is my favorite holiday, yet this year, I have little enthusiasm for it.  We have the dining room table set, just as we do every year.  Yet, no one will be coming.  We will be taking food over to my wife's parents house.

In years past, we didn't have a large crowd, but there would be my mother, C.'s aunt,  and the parents-in-law.  One year, we had some of my wife's distant relatives over and their children.  It was a wonderful meal, with little printed up menus for people to take home.  We outdid ourselves.  And what happened was that my father-in-law got drunk, fell asleep in his chair, and everyone left him to sleep it off.  I ended up taking him home, during which he was angrily telling me that he should not have been left.  After that Thanksgiving, we decided to not have any more large family gatherings.  That day left us pretty shell-shocked.

This year, I am just tired and feeling down.  There is no joy over at the in-laws, even though the new caregivers will be there. Perhaps they will be joyful and happy to be around.  I am going to keep an open mind about the day.  We are invited to have a second evening meal at the home of some friends on Thanksgiving.  We are going to that.  Yet, I wish that our home were filled up with happy people who could enjoy this house and the food that we cook.  Would you like some self-pity served with that turkey?

It seems sad to have the table set and no one to sit down at it.  I know that it is up to us to take action.  I would like the Normal Rockwell version of Thanksgiving but that is not what will happen.  Most people are with their family, and ours has dwindled to a minimum.   Even contemplating Christmas is just too much as well.  It seems that the pressure to do something, to get "things", to force happiness out of material goods is overwhelming.  I don't want to do that.

I want the happiness to happen because we care about each other,  we want to be together, and we are the best gift to give another through our love.  That is something to be thankful about.  It can still happen with an attitude adjustment by me.

Home again

C. is now home.  She walked up the lane from the mailbox.  For most of the day she has dozed.  She has eaten very little and has little appetite.  But she is getting up on her own, resting in a comfortable chair and has on her favorite bath robe.  I know that she will be okay.  She will have to be especially careful for the next six weeks--no driving, mild exercise, good diet, no lifting, and cardiac rehab.

As for me, I have been hovering.  I have to stop doing that because it not only doesn't help her, but it readily makes me crazy.  I realize that I am not wanting to be a caretaker, yet I feel as if I need to be doing something.  I have the medications organized.  I have cooked dinner.  I took care of the dogs.  I am sleeping on the couch tonight to be near her in case she needs something.  That is all I can do.  I cannot make her well any sooner.  But I surely can make myself crazy.

Tomorrow I am going to go to my boat for a few hours.  Her parents are coming over to visit.  They don't drive after dark and are not early risers any more.  But they will be able to stay for a few hours to allow me to go to the marina.  I am hoping for a break for a few hours each day.  I consider this to be essential to my own mental health.  I need a certain amount of time to myself, time in the outdoors,  and time to be free of routine. 

For a while this afternoon,  I felt totally at a loss. I felt as if I wanted to flee. The whole idea of care taking seemed overwhelming. Then I thought about how grateful I am that I am healthy and my wife is alive.  Not that many years ago,  she would be dead.  Instead she is mending and is doing well.  That is enough to get me over myself and my self pity.  It will be one day at a time.  I can do that.

Start the day over

There are just some days that I want to start over.  Moments of frustration can come at any time over a myriad of things.  I may simply be trying to work on a project that isn't going well.  Or I may be around some one who is getting on my last nerve.  I am not generally an irritable person but let me be around someone for any length of time who is irritable, then I can feel it creeping into my psyche as well.  Having let someone else's bad mood rub off on me, makes me want to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."

It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.

But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.

In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."

This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.

These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.

And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.

Wild thing

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I talked with a sponsee who is having a particularly bad time of things at the moment.  Someone near and dear to him is very ill.  He is filled with stress and is depressed.  As I listened to him and the problems in his life at the moment, I wanted to tell him how I thought he would find some peace in his life through this program.  I wanted to tell him that the friends he has in Al-Anon will be there for him. But he didn't call to talk recovery.  He called to offer up how angry he was at the doctors, how unfair all this was and how he was too busy to attend meetings or continue with our meetings on the steps. So I didn't offer up what he might do or how recovery could help.  I just listened.

Maybe he would be better served by a sponsor who could smart-mouth or guilt trip him into recovery or cajole him to attend meetings.  For better or worse, I am not that person.  I do know what works for me.  When I am out of sorts with life and stress is piling up,  I pick up the phone and call my sponsor, get to meetings, write out what is bothering me, and get to a place where I can feel close to the God of my understanding.  Most of the time, I head to the boat and look out at the harbor.  I know that the solution to my inner peace comes from what I have learned in recovery. 

Some of the things that I have found to be particularly helpful are to: 

-Open my heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting another person,  I am building self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I.  If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I would do nothing at all.  There would be no forward progression. 

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. I will build self-confidence by being challenged to my limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Go beyond myself and self-interested focusing to embrace spirituality that requires courage, independence, and faith in my own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Friday on the boat

It is a beautiful day here. Blue sky, sunshine sparkling on the water. I took today off from work to be out on the boat. Tomorrow may bring rain but today I'm going to enjoy the beach and the sun,

We had a good breakfast of sausage with gravy and biscuits. I never eat like this at home. Then we walked for over a mile to gather firewood for a campfire tonight.

Today finds me glad to be able to not hang on to self pity. I have begun to feel stronger and willing to let God take care of something that bugged me for a few days. My sponsor has told me that I need to take care of my head, heart, and soul. I think those things are best renewed out here.

I will get to evertone's blog as soon as I'm back home. Until then, have a good Friday.

Iluminated

This photo is of Compass Rose, all decked out with her twinkling snowflakes and her strings of blue lights. She is the only boat decorated in our corner of the marina. Somehow leaving her all dark and alone didn't seem right. Now she just seems happy to me.

And I'm feeling happy and content too. But I don't want to get complacent in that place. It's easy for me to let the decorations of the lights pretty up and mask some of the stuff that lurks beneath the surface.

I know that this is the season of high expectations. And those expectations can easily be shattered. I think that's particularly true with visits to family or keeping in touch with friends. I called a family member the other day to tell them that their present had been mailed, but that I received notice that UPS didn't leave the package because no one was home. Instead, they dropped it at the nearby post office. I received some criticism about why I shouldn't use UPS. And that they would have to go to the post office now. I thought WTF but said "Well, I hope that you enjoy it and have a good Christmas".

So it's easy to slide back to old indignations and self-pity behaviors. I laugh when I think about what Eckhart Tolle writes: “If you think you’re enlightened, then go and live with your parents for a week.”

So what I'm doing is not attaching too much importance to the good times or the bad times. Rather, I'm seeing if I can keep an even keel. I'm limiting expectations, minding my own business and staying with in the middle of the road without reeling off into the ditches.

I'm going out on the boat this weekend. The forecast is for warm temperatures with breezy conditions. I don't imagine there will be many people on the island, probably just a few campers. And the weather will be nice for long walks on the beach.

Enjoy your Saturday!

Out of town

I left to go to a meeting up north today. Unfortunately, I didn't want to go. It seems that I've been really busy this past week and now comes an out of town trip for most of this week, followed by another trip at the end of the week. I would rather be home. Simple as that.

I've been carrying a bit of a resentment around about something that happened over the weekend. Sometimes I feel really misunderstood and that bugs me. I think that no matter what actions I take, my intentions are misconstrued. I wallowed in my self pity for a bit this morning. Then I decided that I was just tired, making too much out of this, and needed to let the resentment go. I have been trying to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear" again. And it can't be done.

I'm going to miss most of my meetings this week. That is something that bothers me. I find that meetings keep me grounded. I look forward to them. They get me out of myself and over myself. In the meantime, I'm going to see if there is a meeting nearby for tomorrow night. And now I'm going to hit the hay.

Hoping that you are having a good Monday.

Fake it Til You Make It

I have heard the expression "Fake It Til You Make It" at several meetings. I never really understood how it would help me. I've never been comfortable with the "faking it" part, although I have done it a lot during my life.

I think that it's better to just walk the walk and work the program, keeping honesty in mind, rather than having the "liar" alarm go off in my head.

Nonetheless, I felt like a fake at a meeting on Friday. I didn't want to go to the meeting, instead I wanted to go home, make it an early evening, and get some rest. But I went to the meeting, and generally felt restless and uninspired. The topic was Let Go and Let God. I shared but knew that I wasn't really letting go of much inside of me. My sharing felt like I was "faking it".

I've learned that there's no magic formula to get out of a bad place or to get past the low points that sometimes come along. Doing a quick inventory made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and letting my thinking get the best of me. I called my sponsor and talked about the fake feeling I was having. It was important for me to realize that I'm not always going to feel great. And that the times that I feel down because I'm not getting what I want can be an opportunity for me to remember that there's a purpose to life's events. And no matter what happens, good or bad, I can learn to laugh more and to cry less.

So here are some things that help me to get past those moments of dis-ease:
1. Recognize resentments and take an inventory
2. Let go of worries and fears.
3. Live and let live
4. Give more
5. Expect less

I can't go back and make a brand new start to the day, but I can start from now and make a brand new ending to the day.

Give it up

There are just some days that I want to start over. Today was one of those. I won't go into specifics but suffice to say that someone I care about has been more than a little irritable lately. I had a moment today that I wanted to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."

It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.

But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.

In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."

This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.

These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.

And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.

Needing solitude

I left work yesterday because I couldn't think anymore and needed to be alone. My SO asked for a divorce. I'm not fearful about that but have a lot of grief over the many years that we have been together. I know in my heart that I have and still am committed to her. What Judith (Vicarious Rising) wrote in her blog really pulled at me: "...marriage can be either a repeat of your past and return to the familiar or, if you get it right, it can be the completion of your adulthood, filling in the gaps of your weaknesses and helping heal what went wrong in the past."

My parents were married over 50 years. My SO's parents have been married 60 years. I have spent over half my life married and all but the last year of it has been with an active alcoholic. She is now sober but not in true recovery. I am in recovery but working hard to stay in the day and keep the focus on myself. When I slide into self-pity, I get very lost.

I want to have a relationship that lasts and I want to make this thing work. Yet, we are like two people who have diverged so far from what we once were. I am willing to try but am weary of the upheaval that has occurred over the past year. I was told that the first year in recovery can be very confusing. It has been that and so much more. I am no longer who I was before. I don't want to go back to being who I was before.

So when I left work yesterday, I went to my sailboat. I talked to my sponsor on the way there and was told to meditate. I said the Serenity Prayer over and over until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke, I felt calm and much less fearful. I have to just let this play out. I know that whatever happens, it was deigned to be.

Meditation

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I felt out of sorts this morning. I don't know whether it was from the stress of the last few days that brought on the feelings but I was not in a good place. I felt totally dissatisfied with myself and depressed. I talked to my sponsor at length about how I was perceiving things, and he suggested that I try meditation. He said to light a candle and stare at the candle trying to rid my mind of all problems and thoughts. He also suggested that I get outside and do something. So I did both of these things, going for a ride into town and walking around among the throngs of people and lighting a candle late this afternoon and just listening to the sound of my breathing.

I also read about some very basic ideas on self confidence that can help me get away from self pity:

-Open your heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting you will build self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I. If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I could not do anything at all but lead a completely useless life.

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. Self-confidence comes from being challenged to one's limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Spirituality is going beyond our self and self-interested focusing, it requires courage, independence, faith in our own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Feeling okay

It's my fourth day of feeling good about myself. And it's been a long time since I didn't get into the self-pity routine of manipulation. I feel at peace with myself and those that I love.

I went for another walk on the beach last night after the rain. It was a mild night and the beach was deserted. I enjoy this time of year when there are no people around.

In another week, a person who I care about will be leaving for a while. I'm trying not to think about that and the sorrow likely to come. It's hard not to grieve, but I'm trying to stay in the moment and live each day as if it is the last. I am praying for strength and hope today.

A hard day

Today was one of those days that I felt like running away from everything. Just cashing in on life and hitting the road to some nameless place. I was totally okay this morning but as the day wore on, tiredness set in and I went down the road of self pity. There's another acronym in Al-Anon that's called H.A.L.T and it means hungry, angry, lonely and tired. For sure, this afternoon I was tired and the loneliness had crept in as well. I had set myself up for some down thoughts. I had planned to go to a meeting but decided that I was just feeling too tired to make the drive.

When I start getting mired down in feeling sorry for myself, I generally end up in a bad place. I have some anxiety about depression because my mother suffered from it for years. I am hoping that I not only escaped the gene for alcoholism but also the one for depression. Generally, if I get a good night's sleep and focus on the present, I get myself out of the swamp and back where I need to be. I did go for a walk tonight and then sat outside for awhile looking up at the sky. I've heard that it's not good to spend too much time alone. For the past year, I've been largely alone even though there is another person in the house. That person is doing well in recovery so drinking isn't an issue right now. It's all the years that I wasted trying to make an insane situation rational. It simply can't be done.