Letters to the dead

I have had some old letters on my mind today.  For some reason,  I can't get them off my mind.  I discovered them years ago when I closed the estate of an aunt in Virginia.  Among the possessions were a number of daily spiritual readers.  Inside the front and back covers of the books were letters that she had written to her son who was killed in action in France on September 13, 1944.

Throughout the book are notes written in the margins.  I believe that these daily readers sustained her in the days and years after her son was killed.  She poured out her feelings and her sorrow and her faith on these pages.

I am not a fan of war.  I hope that there will not be any more wars.  I want to remember the brave people who fought for us, but also to remember the tragedies of history so as not to repeat them.  So I've copied down excerpts from her letters here to remind me of the sacrifice and the tragedy of war.

Dear Son,
It is April 28, 1945.  I am visiting in a place of beautiful lakes, stately oaks and glorious flowers of all kinds that bedeck the sidewalks and gardens. The gray moss waves in the branches of the trees and glistens like silver making a picture so real that I marvel at the power of nature and God's wisdom in creating a world so restful and artistic.  

I came here two months ago.  Like many other mothers the world over, I had received a message: "The War Department Regrets." This message changed the whole course of your life, and a world of happiness becomes sadness and grief.  How foolish to run from sorrow.  Your loss, dear son, is so much apart of me, there is no escape. 

It has been said "We die the death inherent in our lives." We get the kind of death that our nature's attract.  The brave die adventurously.  You knew no fear and loved adventure.  Your bravery was so fully proven in facing death.  

God help me to accept with uncomplaining grace my heart breaking sorrow, and to carry on until such time, when I am called to sleep the sleep from which we wake no more.  And I pray, I will be worthy of meeting you son, who did and gave so much that my remaining years be spent in a land of peace.  Until we meet my dear, rest in peace.  
Mother

Monday afternoon, October 22, 1945
Dear Son,
A lieutenant buddy of yours came to see me today.  He had just returned from France.  He was with you when you were wounded and spoke with you before you passed on. 

He said you gave your life that many men could be saved.  He pictured you as a hero, loved by all and a true friend to the end.  I was so glad that he came for it seemed like a message from the beyond saying "Mother, chin up. I won't be back, I'm just away."
God bless you, my child. 
Mother

Letter to my son May 13, 1945
A day to remember son.  It's Mother's Day.  A day of prayer of victory in Europe. Eight months ago today you gave your young life paving the way, making this victory come true. 

There will be no roses for me today.  No message resting in the scented box saying "I love you Mother" for the boy who never forgot to remember isn't here any more. 

But dear I feel you know that the memories of those days are so alive and real that I will relive them so completely, that when the sun rests tonight in the west, it will be almost as if you were here.  
Mother

April 28, 1946

Dear Son, 
Tonight it came over the radio that the war in the West was over.  You dear will never know what a battle I fought.  I have to be happy for other mothers more fortunate than I.  I went out and took a walk with the little dog.  

There came over me a peace in the thought that you when in a football game, never cared how you came out as long as your team won.  Well, your team is winning now.  You paid an awful price my dear, but knowing you as I do, I know you would not think that price too high for complete victory.  I feel you must know when your team will reach the goal line, and your spirit will be there when the score is read the world over. 
My love,
Mother

And in the overleaf of the book where she wrote these letters, here is her hope:
"If ever you are burdened down
By the loss of those you love.
Just take this book, and turn the page
Meditate and think.

The consolation you'll obtain will give you strength and peace again.
In helping others, we forget
The cross we have to bear.
And trusting God to guide our steps,
We enter heaven by prayer. "

Amen to that.

The magic of books

I have been reading tonight until my eyes are bleary.  It's the text for the course I'm taking.  I really enjoy reading and have since I was a kid.  I was encouraged by my parents to read, and I had varied and eclectic tastes. 

I would send away for books and eagerly await their arrival. Some of these were ones that I wasn't allowed to check out of the small town library or weren't available there. The librarian had an idea that no young man should be reading D.H. Lawrence.  She censored a lot of books.  My mother would often have to send a note with me telling the librarian that I was allowed to read whatever I wanted. The librarian would "harumph" but allow me to check out the books because of the note (and fear of my mother).

I remember my fascination with reading all of Robert Ruark's novels on Africa. I remember reading Gone with the Wind and wondering what the hell was wrong with Scarlett. I remember reading all of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and wondering about the meandering sentences of Faulkner's great novels. Just the titles would make me dream: Light in August, As I Lay Dying, Intruder in the Dust, the Sound and the Fury. It was only later after I read the biographies that I learned that these literary greats were alcoholic and had a lot of other issues going on. But at that time, I didn't realize that their writing was linked with their pain.

Reading has always been one of the best ways that I know to relax and stay serene. It is like a journey for me. It was also an outlet for a small town dreamer.  And some of the novels of that time gave me my first ideas about sex and how to be a man.  After all the years, I still find great comfort in books. There are stacks on the night table. I have the daily Al-Anon readers, the Big Book, the AA Twelve and Twelve, a couple of books on solo sailing around the world, and a book on restoring an old schooner.  That's this week's pile. Next week there may be something different in the mix.

I like to remember those summer days when  school was out and I could read as much as I wanted,  I would collect books for my own library. My tastes were eclectic then as they are now. I had natural history books, art books, and novels. I would open each carefully, smell the pages, drape my long legs across the porch glider, and read until dark would come. It was magic for me. And it pretty much still is.

Keeping a journal

I have been keeping a daily journal for a few years now. A very few years actually. I remember that I had a kind of journal when I was younger and would write things in it, with the general theme being my raging hormones and what was happening with my girlfriend and me. I would also write about how things were going at home--whether it was a good day (my father not drinking) or whether it was a bad day (my father was drinking, criticizing, and angry).

That journal was just another outlet for me. During those years, I didn't write about gratitude except for selfish things and there were no affirmations and certainly no spirituality. It was all about me and what I wanted, who I wanted to be with, how mean other people could be, how angry I was at my father, and how much I hoped that things would just be happy. I still have those journals and have opened them up occasionally. But the flood of memories they bring makes me not want to linger long.

I have my mother's journals too. What an inspiring woman she was. She had so many interests and would write about what she was doing: planting flowers, going to parties, sewing, playing cards, visiting with friends. But what is not mentioned at all are her feelings. She doesn't write anything about how she felt, while my journals from my youth and from today are filled with feelings and emotions.

I have marveled at how Mary Christine has been able to recount events during her drinking years. While I was in college, graduate school and at this job for so many years, it all seems like a blur. I might be able to remember some significant events but not many details about what life was like. Now I can do that for the last few years because of my daily journal.

Today I write still about feelings but also about events and activities and about recovery. There is much gratitude and a lot of personal inventory in my journal. It's a place where I can review what my day was like. Some days I beat up on myself, even take another's inventory, but all in all I incorporate what I have learned through the steps.

I wonder whether in some year in the future someone will open these leather bound journals and wonder about the person who wrote them and have a sense of who I was. I hope so.

Levitating

I was going through some of the daily readers last night and came across this from Daily Reflections. It was a perfect reminder of what to do when I am getting impatient with myself.

"Impatience with other people is one of my principal failings. Following a slow car in a no-passing lane, or waiting in a restaurant for the check, drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode, and that’s what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God’s point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me–bug eyed and red of face–who had no time schedule to meet anyway. I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God’s angle of vision can be very relaxing."

Since my wife has been out of town, I've found that there is a lot to do from dawn until hours after dark. Now that she is retired, she spends a lot of time working on the garden and around the house. After I got home from work, I worked in the garden, picked vegetables, walked the dogs, cut grass, and eventually cooked dinner.

I was getting impatient with myself as I was rushing to get everything done. I was hot from the oppressive heaviness of the humid air and dirty from all the chores. As I was picking beans, squash, eggplant, cherry tomatoes, and peppers from the garden, I had to laugh. Here I was with all of this bounty of food from the garden, and I was focused on a schedule. Instead of just enjoying the moment, my mind was moving ahead to the next thing to get done.

So if I had looked down on the event from God's point of view, I would have seen a grubby man, drenched with sweat standing in a lovely garden furiously picking vegetables. Two of the dogs would have been looking at me and gently wagging their tails, no doubt wondering in their doggy minds about what all the hurry was about.

God would then have seen me laugh at myself, take the basket of produce, go to the house and fix a dinner of squash casserole, steamed green beans, eggplant fried with cinnamon, cherry tomatoes dusted with sea salt, and a cucumber and green onion salad. Cooking eased the impatience and a feeling of great satisfaction and peace came instead. I felt as if I were levitating after that meal.

Let's separate

I think that the idea of having separate fellowships via Tradition Six is an excellent one and needs to be observed at meetings. In general, the sixth tradition is observed but occasionally someone will identify themselves with the "other" fellowship or quote out of non-conference approved literature. In one meeting, a lady read from A Beautiful Boy.

Generally, someone will come over after the meeting and remind the people who committed the faux pas that in Al-Anon, we only speak Al-Anon, share our E, S, and H and use Conference Approved Literature (CAL). There are lots of reasons for this. When Al-Anon members use AA literature for their meetings there is a tendency to concentrate on the alcoholic and his/her behavior rather than the family experience and our own recovery. The mention, recommendation or discussion of material other than Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature can be confusing to newcomers and takes the focus off of the Al-Anon program. I think what it boils down to is program integrity. And keeping with CAL helps maintain the integrity.

And here is one of the best statements that I've found to clarify the separateness of the programs:"If you are a member of another 12-step group we ask that you limit your comments to Al-Anon topics and save other comments for their respective recovery group. We do this not to limit you, but to be sensitive to our new members who may still have unresolved issues surrounding alcoholism, drug abuse, or other such problems."

When you post your email

"Most folks in Al Anon only want to complain. Most do not read the text books.
Most woman in Al Anon hate men. Al Anon for the most part is a dangerous and unhealthy environment for men." Steven H.

I decided to post my email address on my blog because a couple of people asked for it. I may be asking for it too since the first email message I received was from Steven who sent me his assessment of Al-Anon.

I don't think that I attend the same meetings as Steven because my experience hasn't been as he describes. When he writes that folks in Al-Anon only want to complain, I've found that the experiences shared are not so much complaining as being in pain. And that's primarily newcomers who haven't had much time in the program. Steven, if you've lived with an alcoholic for a while, there might be some complaining but in Al-Anon, we learn to quit bitchin' and start to listen.

As far as "text" books, we don't read any of them in meetings but read conference approved literature. Those include the daily readers such as One Day at a Time, Courage to Change, and Hope for today, as well as the books How Al-Anon Works, Paths to Recovery and many others. Outside of meetings, I read as much as I can on co-dependency, alcoholism, and whatever else seems of interest and relevant to living with an alcoholic.

Hmmm..... I disagree with the statement that most women in Al-Anon hate men. I haven't seen that one either. We're a pretty friendly group Steven. I know that in Al-Anon we often say that we hate the disease of alcoholism but love the individual. Acceptance is part of the program as is detachment with love.

And lastly, to say that Al-Anon is a dangerous and unhealthy environment for men is perplexing. The dangerous and unhealthy environment for me was living with an alcoholic without the benefit of Al-Anon. I had lived for most of my life in an environment that was distorted by alcoholism. I experienced anger, shame, guilt, sadness, hopelessness that led me to not trust, feel empty, and be depressed. I was on my way to an emotional bottom. Al-Anon has been a life saver for me.

taking time

If you are seeking creative ideas, go out walking. Angels whisper to a man when he goes for a walk.--Raymond Inmon

I will only be walking in an airport today. It's not my favorite place to walk by any means. Trying to get from one place to another in Atlanta is really like putting my head somewhere else. I just try to get through to my gate and hope that I make it in time. Or that the plane is on time.

And it's hard to get much serenity at a work meeting. Most of the time there is about an hour for lunch. But because most hotels are wireless where I meet, I'm able to get on line and read the thoughts for the day on the Hazelden web site. I also take an Al-Anon book on the plane and do some reading before I get to the meeting. There isn't any opportunity to go out for a walk but I can still revitalize my thinking and refresh my mind.

It's just a simple thing for me to do when I'm out of town.

I'm not trying to figure it out

There are lots of good books for those interested in Al-Anon. I have three daily readers that I go through in the evening. For some reason, I prefer to end my day with the readings. It's the quietest time of the day for me and the time that I have to myself. The readings seem to help me get to sleep peacefully.

I have most of the Al-Anon books: Pathways to Recovery, How Al-Anon Works, and Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. But I don't think that I would have gotten much from this program by just reading the books. I've had to learn the program by doing it and following what others taught me.

I am glad that I was willing to listen and to learn. I am grateful for being able to take the program one step at a time. I was eager to not just read about the program but to work it. And gradually by doing what I was told to do--get a sponsor, work the steps, take my inventory and make amends, pray to do His will, and carry the message to others--I am finding that I can live the program and apply it to my every day life. That's a really comforting thing.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. I’ve found that is a hard thing to do especially having lived with alcoholism. In Courage to Change, there is a daily reading that basically says that many of us in came to Al-Anon with a compulsion to focus on other people. Many of us had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct. When we realized that our own lives were being neglected because all our attention was elsewhere we had to make some major changes.

I'm still learning how to mind my own business and not that of the alcoholic. For many of us, when thoughts begin with “He should” or “She shouldn’t” , then we are slipping back into minding someone else's business. I don’t have the answers for other people. We don't make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life. If I start getting caught up in what they should or should not do, I have lost my humility. I have also ceased to pay attention to myself. Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

I know that I have been very focused over the years on the behavior of the alcoholic. I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what the alcoholic was doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself. What this program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.