A small vacation

I am writing this while eating freshly picked blackberries from the garden.  The fruit is large, and the bushes are heavy with ripening berries. It's a cool spring day, good for being outside.  As usual, I have been keeping busy the garden, the animals and exercising.

Sadly, we lost another dog this week.  It was unexpected and quick: osteosarcoma of the spine. Two vertebrae were engulfed by the tumor.  So we made the decision to euthanize. I sat on the floor cradling him for about an hour and telling him what a good boy he was.

Today, I removed his dog bed from the bedroom. I put his toys away, holding them to my nose to inhale the scent of this much loved boy.  No matter what I am not prepared for them to go.  So we are down to two dogs now, and both of those are seniors.

C. has been away for a small vacation.  I missed her with an ache of loneliness.   Things seemed so empty without her being here.  Yesterday, when I picked her up from the airport, I felt as if I was emerging from a fog created by my being alone and mourning the loss of our dog.

We went by the seafood market to get some soft shell crab for dinner. Tossed them in coconut flour and fried in olive oil, they were delicious.  Soft shells are a delicacy that many people don't appreciate, but growing up on Chesapeake Bay, I was exposed to them and other regional culinary delights when I was a child.  Shad roe fried with scrambled eggs, she crab soup, brined mackerel--all good memories.

I took the senior dogs for a walk on Friday evening and captured some of the beauty of the place where we live.  I hope that you enjoy these.

The great paradox

It was blowing a gale today.  And there was a little rain that fell, but hardly enough to do much soaking of the ground.  It was too windy to go rowing, so I went to see my father-in-law at the physical rehab facility.

He is doing about three hours of exercise a day, including cycling, elliptical trainer, and weight lifting.  He looks great--better than I have seen him look in a long time.  Today, he went with his physical therapist to Starbuck's to get coffee.  He seemed to have really enjoyed his day.  He is hoping to be out before Christmas.

I really feel for the people who are in the rehab facility.  Most are alone in their room.  Few have visitors.  I passed through the dining room this evening, only to see a little old lady sitting all alone.  It made me realize how sad old age can be, how isolating it is to sit without a loved one around.  I am going to visit with some of the people the next time I go there, if only for a little while.

Not much else is going on here. Tomorrow there is a Christmas party to attend.  I used to dread parties.  The ones that I go to now are not big drinking affairs.  In fact, people drink normally or not at all.  And everyone goes home by ten. It's comforting to attend parties where no one gets out of control.  It surely has been a pleasant change from the wild parties that we used to attend. I don't know why  I even went to some of those, except to watch over C.  And that didn't usually work out too well.

We are going to have a big cooking extravaganza in the days ahead to make cranberry relish, cranberry nut bread, peppermint bark, pepper jelly and some cookies as gifts for friends.  I also ordered a few small gifts for C.  I simply couldn't stand to see any look of disappointment on her face on Christmas morning.  I still want to protect her, even though I know that I can't.

Well, that's about it from here.  Time for some sleep.

It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox. ~Nicolas Sparks

The forgotten

I was listening to music this morning as I cooked breakfast. John Prine's "Hello in There" was playing. It's about an old couple who are lonely and basically forgotten. For me, it is an incredibly sad song:

"Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more,
She sits and stares through the back door screen.
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.

Someday I'll go and call up Rudy,
We worked together at the factory.
But what could I say if asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."

Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."

Th thought of being old and alone has haunted me for a long time. I know somehow that is what will happen. It will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. And it makes me sad.

Maybe that is why I am so glad to talk to old people and not pass them by. I went by an adult day care the other day and the folks there were happy to chat and share some stories. So many old people are left in nursing homes. They desperately want someone to notice them and to take time to say "Hello".

My parents-in-law will not be among the forgotten. The live-in couple are there. All seems to be going well. I am relieved. My wife is cautiously optimistic. If they can get past the political opinions of my father-in-law, the situation may work.

I know that if we are lucky enough, we will live to be old. Medical technology helps us to live longer. How we live and what we have to look forward to is largely up to us. I cannot think about being alone in the future. Today, I can give a smile and a kind word to those who desperately need it. No one need be forgotten.

Getting back up

Tonight's meeting was a good one.  A relative newcomer had the topic which was actually a question: How do you get back up when you keep getting knocked down?  There are some days when it is hard to see any sanity amidst the insanity of alcoholism.  The knock downs of the spirit come over and over, we reel in fear and uncertainty,  until a person is eventually sent to their knees.

Getting knocked down over and over will either cause a person to give up or eventually cause so much pain that they stand up and decide that something has to change.  Each person will decide to either live in the problem from now until death or make a decision to seek a solution that leads to a new life.  It is truly our choice.

I think that I was tired of making the effort to pretend any more.  It was very lonely living a lie.  Alcoholism creates a sense of isolation that is pervasive.  There was no one to talk to about what was happening in our home.  The therapists I saw didn't acknowledge the impact the disease had on me. I couldn't talk to colleagues.  The only close friend that I had confided in, decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore.  It was too hard to take that the "perfect" couple weren't perfect. 

Eventually, there are few options left.  For me, the only option was to get away from the stress, drama and emptiness by leaving the relationship.  Just mentioning that was enough to send my wife straight to AA.  And I went to Al-Anon to try to save myself.  I was one of the lucky ones that decided something had to change.  I had no luck at changing the other person, so it was time to focus on me.  Everyday that is what I do: focus on my life, my recovery, my standing up in the face of any number of life's challenges.  

Tonight the newcomer had a simple list of his problems in the relationship with his alcoholic wife.  These were the things that he wrote down while sitting at his desk:

lonely
sad     
depressed
no resepct
no trust
fear                                                                   
wanting love
wanting to trust
wanting respect
memories
reality
no friends

And opposite these, he wrote: "Oh God, please help me."

It is a rough place to be--to realize that we truly are powerless over what others do.  Acknowledging this means choices have to be made.   So we either stay stuck and beaten down or we do something totally out of character--we begin to change because waiting around for the other person to do that or trying to force those changes doesn't appear to be working.  It is what got me back up on my feet--knowing that I had waited too long for something to happen with the other person.  It was time for me to take action for myself.  And what a difference that has made.

The lone coyote

I was sitting in my car at the marina the other night.  I had gone down there after my 8 PM meeting ended and the ice cream social time was over.  I sat in my car for a while and looked out at the harbor with all the lights.  There is always some cargo ship coming or going to the port.  These behemoths fascinate me.  I day dream quite a bit about where they have been and where they might be going. 

Sometimes, but not too often, two ships will pass each other.  But mostly there is a single shape outlined by lights moving silently toward its destination.  And so it happened that I was looking at the outline of a ship passing when I saw her.  She was air scenting and wary, moving cautiously towards my car.  She was in good shape, not thin or starved looking but soft and healthy.  With every tentative foot fall, she crept closer.

Finally, she stopped about 10 feet from the car.  I could see her eyes and her nose quivering.  Her fur was grey and clean.  At first, I thought that she could be a dog but quickly realized that I was looking at an animal which I have only seen on my island recently.  This lone coyote had made it to a marina resort and was standing in the glow of lights from the city.  I think that I quit breathing for a few minutes.  I knew that any motion would make her run off.  I felt a sense of wonder, tinged with sadness and dread.

I wondered whether she had pups or whether she was just a lone coyote hoping to find some scraps of food or to dig through the trash barrels at the marina.  I wondered where her mate was.  I wondered how long before she would be hunted and perhaps killed or trapped.

I have not been in a good place today.  I have been thinking about the single ship traveling on a voyage, the lone coyote in the parking lot at the marina, and my own tendency to go it alone, suffering in silence.  I found out yesterday that there will be a retirement party for a group of us who are leaving service.  I immediately felt a stab of fear and sadness.  I wondered whether I wanted to go at all.  Last night I asked C. if she would go with me to the party. She said that she didn't want to go because she didn't want to see "those" people. Funny, I knew the answer before I asked her.  There are people here who C. has a resentment toward. C. left without any kind of party because she simply didn't want to have anything done for her.  She is a lot like the lone coyote too, moving tentatively and with every intent of flight when things become too uncomfortable. 

I don't want to go to this party alone.  And I immediately began to think how others would have their family members there, and I would be alone. I could feel the self-pity rising inside, and I became that little kid who was left out.

So I asked C. again this morning, and she again said that she didn't feel comfortable going. I am turning that over to my Higher Power. But I am also taking some action. I've asked my sponsor and another good friend to go.  And perhaps I'll ask a few others to go as well, such as old colleagues who have also retired. I don't want to be the lone coyote.  I want to go and say farewell without any resentment.  I don't want to have expectations of how it will be but just be accepting of what is. 

Requiem

I watched the movie "Requiem for a Dream" last night. It was one of those flicks that made me feel as if I were watching a car wreck--I wanted to not watch but couldn't take my eyes away.

It's a story about addiction and what happens to those who get hooked. In this case, a mother and her son and his two friends are the ones who go down the path to insanity, sickness, and depravity. The outcome is predictable as one watches the horror of addiction take hold.

I have read books about what addiction is like from the standpoint of the addict/alcoholic, but I don't think the words quite have the impact that the visual does. I just thank God that I never went down that path.

I felt disturbed, vulnerable and sad after watching this movie. I think that it's ultimately about loneliness which is a definite trigger for me. One reviewer wrote: "Even when dreams are shared, they can fail to materialise; even when relationships are strong, they can wear out; even when the mind is unflinching, it can give way to doubts. When one is young one is awed by the power of the youth and takes pride in it; when one is old, one dreams of the power of youth and takes refuge in it. Both are so misconceived, so misplaced. The only thing that the young and the old have in common is the power to dream… dream for the future… dreams that can wither out and die, uncherished, unrealised, unlived." Heavy stuff.

So I am grateful today for:

• Not feeling alone but part of so much
• Not having ever acted out my destructive thoughts towards myself
• Getting a lot of good food cooked for a friend's birthday (natal) tomorrow
• A breath of cooler air that has come in on some NE winds
• That it's Friday and the weekend is ahead.
  

A bit lonely

Take care of yourself my darling
And I'll take care of me
Live your loneliness knowing
That we can both be free.
--Mary Lee George

Today has been a bit lonely. I took my wife to the airport this morning. She has had the flight schedule from Hell with one flight cancelled, another delayed, and still another airport to get through. If the rest of the trip goes as anywhere near planned, she will get into Providence tonight around 8 PM. She was supposed to have arrived at 11:20 AM this morning.

After seeing her off, I came home and did some busy work around here. It hasn't been a bad day but one that reminds me how nice it is to have someone here in this big house. I know that I'm okay with feeling a bit lonely. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else or my feeling unloved. It's as if I want to have someone to play with, yet there isn't anyone at the moment. Maybe it's just a break from my usual routine of being on the boat. There isn't much time to feel lonely out there.

Because I got up at 4 AM, I'm going to stay home today and not go to the boat. I'll do that tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm going to bake a pizza and make a salad. There's nothing like some comfort food. I'll wait for her call later this evening with the hope that she has arrived safely.

Lonely but not Alone

I've spent most of my life feeling apart. I've come to realize that many people in recovery, whether AA or Al-Anon, have felt this same way. Some days it borders on getting stuck in self pity to be lonely while on others I find that I revel in just being by myself.

The difference is that I know that I'm not alone anymore. I have my friends in the program, family who care, and my HP. So even though I may want companionship at times, I know that I can reach out now to others and there will be a friendly voice or a kind smile. Most importantly though, I can just be with myself and be satisfied. I'm finding that I'm not afraid of loneliness or loss as I was when I was a child. That's a big step for me.