A courage campaign

I can see how life comes full circle.  Maybe it is something that happens to all of us.  When I was a young man in the midst of the marches on DC,  I felt on fire with the injustice and was filled with righteous indignation.  Now I see social injustice coming to the forefront of my mind again.  I don't feel righteous indignation as much as compassion to help mend the divide that is happening.

So, I have decided that it is time to move from being an arm chair looker at the restless times that are happening in this state, and join a unity movement that hopefully will gain momentum.  It started at the grass roots level here in this city where the Emanuel murders occurred, and has now grown into a state wide idea to get people of diverse backgrounds talking to each other.  Really talking--not just making pleasantries. One of the ways to do this is to eat together and talk about what we think and feel in the three weeks after the nine were murdered.

This is like having an Al-Anon meeting in a way: we meet strangers and a few people we know, share from the heart without fear, and listen to what others have to say while having a meal together.  It's called a Courage Campaign.  I am going to my first lunch get together today.  I don't see this as courage as much as being a part of healing by sharing what is in my heart and on my mind.

The division within this state since the murder of the Emanuel Nine has slowly eroded the good feelings of unity that happened after the shootings.  I listened to the debates at the state house over the removal of the Confederate battle flag.  I read hate filled comments on social media.  And I could see that the lines are firmly entrenched, just as they were on the battlefields some 150 years ago.

My ancestors fought in the Civil War.  Most came home according to written history.  One died of wounds.  My great grandfather was wounded twice at Gettysburg but managed to get back to Virginia.  I don't know what kind of people they were in terms of how they viewed the war or slavery. What I do know is that none of the letters I have from after the war, mention it at all.  It is as if that terrible time did not exist but was replaced with a desperate desire for normalcy of business and family.

What kind of horror my ancestors saw, I can only imagine.  Did they still see the blood from the musket and bayonet in later years?  I don't know.  None of that was passed down in oral or written history.  I have photos of one great grandfather as an old man sitting with a long grey beard.  His eyes are piercing.  I wish I knew his thoughts on whether his fighting was worth the blood and the death of hundreds of thousands.

Maybe the best way to determine that is to look at those family members that I did know.  My mother was an example of a person who was against segregation. I remember being with her when she greeted the first black lady who attended the church.  The higher church officials walked out, but my mother talked to and shook hands with the lady who walked into that church to integrate it.  Some how that seems courageous to me--to be the first to attend an all white church and to be one of few who greeted her.

And my father was a Democrat with a strong dislike of Nixon and Reagan. He once told me that it was important to treat everyone fairly and to not judge a person by color.  I had good teachers in my formative years about treating people well and without prejudice.  I didn't grow up with hatred for someone who was "different" from me.

Nonetheless, I am sure that prejudice was there in some form among my ancestors.  It may not have been overt, but perhaps it was simply a "separation" of space and heart and social mores.  But I want to do something now to provide space and heart and consciousness and unity as best I can.  I can't make up for the past, but this small effort of a Courage Campaign may be a good start.

When bad things happen

This bad news week seems to not be letting up.  I am a news watcher.  I admit that I want to be "informed" but a part of me also wants to see what shenanigans have occurred and how the vultures of the news media work so hard and often inappropriately to eek every tidbit out of a story.  It's as if I am watching a train wreck, not wanting to see but seemingly not able to tear my eyes away as the carrion birds circle over head. 

And basically I am left feeling.....not much.  I have become jaded to the killings, the explosions, the fires, the wounded, the dead children, the messed up and incompetent legislators.  I have news burnout.  Or maybe I am simply accepting that ultimate truism in Al-Anon--I am powerless over just about everything, except me and those beloved animals that depend on me to feed them and take care of them.  So I've made a choice for silence on news for a few days.  I'm not watching anymore grieving parents, people without legs, burning buildings and flabby chinned geezers who proclaim that they know what the American people want.  

My powerlessness was a realization early in life.  I was powerless over my father's attitude and drinking; powerless over my mother's depression; powerless over the animals that got run over in the road; powerless over love and rejection.  But even though I might have known that I was powerless at some deep level, I still suffered in my heart and head from what I couldn't control.  I kept thinking that I could somehow make things right, do things over, and force others to see how wrong they were.  If that didn't work, I could be passive aggressive, self-pitying, and ceaselessly ask "Why?".  Acceptance wasn't in my nature.  

I still have an issue with injustice.  I want to see things set right. I want to see people care about each other, see their goodness come out.  

I'm not about seeing the bad people suffer.  Somehow, I think that they already are suffering, not liking themselves much if the truth were known.  And for those who can't see that they do wrong, and are all caught up in hate, well....those are the ones that will not get it no matter what I do or don't do.  

The injustices of this week will fade a bit with time for most of us.  And there will be a respite in which we move on to something else.  Even the small "hurts" that happen every day can be viewed as an injustice.  What I need to think about is what my part was in what happened.  Sometimes the answer is nothing.  But most times, if I search deep within, I realize I played a role, at least a small one. Admitting that takes away the power of judging and self-pity and  teaches me how not to do it again. Blaming everyone else makes me the victim, and that isn't where I want to be. 

I've made a lot of amends for the hurt I caused others.  I have wounded quite a few people, both intentionally and without my knowing it at the time. In my life, I haven't looked for ways to dull the pain through alcohol or drugs.  I took a lot of it on the chin and in the heart.  I was wounded but not fatally so.  I got patched up and moved on.  And when bad things happen today,  I still feel the pain but somehow the hurt is less than it used to be.  I am not stuck for weeks on end with resentment and righteous indignation. I don't want to strike out to wound anyone else. 

Maybe I have learned that if I am hurting less when the bad things happen, I am able to laugh a bit more when something is funny and appreciate the good times, good people, good books, and good love when they come along.  At least that is my hope. 

Yesterday's news

Among some of my friends, we have discussed the vote in NC to ban marriage between two members of the same sex by specifying that a legal union or marriage can only be between a man and woman in the state. The law will also make it impossible for so-called “civil unions” that can afford some legal rights to gay partners, even if it does not carry the same religious and traditional connotations that being “married” would entail.

I'm not going to debate what happened in yesterday's news.  Suffice to say that most of my friends are liberal and are in favor of equal opportunity in marriage.  But I've also been around some people who are so vehemently opposed to the idea, based on their Christian beliefs, that they become angry when anyone voices a differing opinion.

The other night we talked about Concept 5 in Al-Anon: The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.  I have seen how this concept works in meetings in which each person can feel free to express an opinion without fear of being shouted down.  We sort things out through a civilized discourse and follow the group conscience.

I also like to apply the traditions and concepts in my life outside of meetings. I believe in civilized and spirited discussions.  But when intolerance and bigoted fear causes people to shut their ears and open their mouths to shout, I am taken aback.

I did some reading and found that Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA,  believed in the minority being heard.  He quoted a French nobleman, De Touquerville who visited North America to witness the new Republic. As noted by Wilson, the nobleman expressed that, “the greatest threat to democracy would always be the tyranny of apathetic, self-seeking, uninformed or angry majorities. Only a truly dedicated citizenry, willing to protect and conserve minority rights and opinion, could guarantee the existence of a free and democratic society.”

I know that my opinion is not universally upheld.  I'm okay with that.  But I like the idea of being able to express my opinion.  I don't want to be bullied in a discussion or hesitant to speak because I fear an angry majority/minority may ridicule or judge me.

My further reading in the literature about the history of AA tells of a time when the World Service Conference had to decide if gay meetings could be so identified in AA directories.  Barry L. described the mood of that 1974 conference as being "dead-set against the idea. Remember that.... gay men and women were spoken of as deviants".  He recalled that:  “The discussion in 1974 went back and forth, back and forth for two days and two nights. Much of the agenda was whipped out. I remember one man saying, 'I guess if this year you list the sex deviants, next year you’ll list the rapist AA groups'."

Then, "a delightful woman from one of the northern States or maybe Canada, standing about three feet tall, came to the middle microphone and pulled it down to her face and said, ‘Where I come from alcoholics are considered deviants.’  The chairman astutely saw that the mood of the floor had changed and he asked if anyone wanted to call the question. The vote was cast and only two delegates voted against the gay and lesbian groups; it was almost unanimous, 129 votes to two.”

So the words of the minority can sometimes change the minds of others.  Or at the very least, help to open the ears and even the hearts so that a healthy debate can occur.  As Bill W. wrote: "The well-heard minority, therefore, is our chief protection against a, misinformed, hasty or angry majority.”

I am mindful more than ever of this concept in my daily life.  I can remember work meetings where people would become so tyrannical about a point that the table would be pounded and one fellow fell over backwards in his chair out of anger.  Life isn't like an Al-Anon meeting.  But more and more,  I see that I don't need to be fearful of ridicule or judgement when I stand up and express a minority opinion.

Stop looking out and start looking in

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. What a foreign concept that was to me when I first began.  I had my focus on everyone but myself.  My identity was tied up in work, my wife's drinking, my friends and their drama, and on and on.  I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what they were doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself.

I thought that I had the answers to how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct.  Well, needless to say, this attitude met with a lot of resistance from others.  And then I would get angry because no one really appreciated what I was doing.

One of the promises of the program that has come true for me is that I have found acceptance.  I have learned to mind my own business and not that of others.  It is clear to me now that I don't have the answers for other people.  I cannot make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life.  I no longer find myself getting caught up in what they should or should not do.  If I do start to follow that train of thought, then I am losing my humility.  I have also ceased to pay attention to myself.  Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

This program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.

An amends to Al-Anon

Today is bright and sunny.  I feel tired and not filled with much energy. I know that I would like to go home, get in bed with a good book, read until I'm sleepy and then take a long nap. Instead, I am going to my noon meeting.

Last week, I left the meeting before it was over.  There was so much cross talk and triple dipping that I decided to quietly get up and leave about ten minutes before the meeting was over. I thought that the meeting was being hi-jacked. I had a resentment and acted on it. Today I will go to the meeting and make an amends to the group.  Regardless of what is going on in a meeting, I can quietly wait until the meeting is over to make a comment if a tradition has been violated.  Or I can request that a group conscious meeting be held if there is something that I think needs to be addressed.

My judgmental attitude towards those who are in my meetings does nothing to help me or others.  I am only exercising my old pattern of thinking that I know a better way.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. Paul Coelho.

Taking the high road

I wanted to write a happy post today that was filled with some good old fluff.  But I can't really fool any of you.  It is hard to come back to work after a magical weekend.  It is hard to get reports done and to deal with stuff when my mind is wandering back to wooded trails and sandy beaches. But I am lucky enough to be at this job for 15 more weeks.  And during that time, I have a lot of transitioning to do. So I had best suck it up and get used to it. 

I had a tough meeting with a sponsee today.  He has started the fourth step. He is where I used to be--not seeing my part, not wanting to admit when I was wrong, judging others, blaming the alcoholic.  He feels as if he is a failure and sees things as right versus wrong.  I sound like the proverbial broken record, trying to get him back to a place of compassion and to seeing that each of us has a part when resentments are born.  I know that he was angry at me for pointing out that I don't have to participate in every fight and fulfill every expectation that gets tossed my way.  If it doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.

I understand that the fourth step is a hard one.  It made me stop trying to fool myself.  It helped me to come clean about a lot of things that I didn't want to think about.  But at some deep level, I understood that it wasn't about whether I was right or wrong.  I had accepted that my Higher Power wasn't judging me.  I was judging me.  And once I began to forgive myself, quit trying to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear, and kept my own truth, then I began to see that the fourth step wasn't really hard at all.  It was a revelation.

Everything I am learning from each of you, my sponsor, my sponsees, meetings, and literature shows me that I am much better off by not assuming that my reality may necessarily be what another is experiencing. My default setting happens to be one that can slide into criticism and judgment. Mustering up some compassion and empathy goes a long way when dealing with people in general, not just alcoholics.  And what I've found is that when I choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path.

The tools that I need

I am tired today. I have been to two evening meetings which made for two long days.

On Monday, I went to my home group. We have been meeting for years in an old Sunday school building at one of the rural churches. The building is run down with moldy walls, no bathroom (there is a solution--find a tombstone or bush), and insulation falling from the ceiling.

One of our long-time members, who is part of the governing body of the church, was asked to carry the message that our group wanted to move to the newly built church where there are bathrooms, a kitchen, clean floors, and no mold. Not long ago, when asked repeatedly whether we would be moving, he let us know that he didn't "think" that the church board wanted to have us move to the new church because there was no way to lock up items (he blames the AA group who meets next to us for the theft of a TV). So we recently had a group conscience and voted to move.

Interestingly enough on Monday at the meeting, the Al-Anon/Church liaison announced that the church was now going to repair the bathroom because they don't want us to leave. It's basically too little too late. As one of the members said, "We have put up with enough just dealing with alcoholism. And we have been putting up with unacceptable meeting conditions for long enough. It's time for a change."

I can feel resentment that I have regarding this situation. I don't believe that the pastor or the governing board knew until recently that we were dissatisfied. I don't believe that the message was getting through that we wanted to move to a room in the new church. I am having to let this go because it serves no purpose for me to judge another. We are moving to a different church where there is a kitchen, bathroom, glassed in meeting room with a view, and where we are welcomed. That's the important thing. I need to remember my part, humility and gratitude.

Last night's meeting was fun. The topic was what tools do we use in the program. An actual tool box was passed around and we got to pick up hammers, wrenches, rachets, levels, and other tools that had slogans and Al-Anon messages attached. It was innovative and generated a lot of sharing about what tools we use to get through difficult situations. I think that the best tool that I can use right now is prayer and remembering to place principles above personalities.

Transformation

I had a meeting with an old colleague this morning. During the course of our conversation, I told him how a proposal that a group of us had worked on was not submitted to the granting agency on Friday. Another scientist who is the principal on the project was supposed to submit it. Unfortunately, he didn't remember until Sunday night which was too late.

My old colleague looked at me in a bit of shock. He said to me, "Something's different about you. You seem so laid back and at ease. You've never suffered fools gladly. Is there anything wrong?" I had to laugh.

The old me would have been filled with resentment and judgment over the proposal not being submitted. The old me would have castigated myself over leaving it in the hands of someone else. Instead, I chose not to let it ruin my Monday. I went to my home group meeting and did a program on Step 10. Amazing how God arranges things so that I hear just what I needed to hear when I need to hear it.

The transformation that I feel daily fills me with gratitude. I'm glad that I don't have to react out of anger or judgment. I can feel myself flying even on days when I think that I can only crawl.

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly. ~Richard Buckminster Fuller

Freedom

This is the third post from a workshop that I found particularly interesting. This one is about how one can obtain freedom.

1. One may hold truth without inwardly possessing it. I need to actually apply the truths of the program to the reality in which I live. I can do that by applying the steps of the program, accepting the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, that I need a Higher Power to help me, and that the problems in my life are an opportunity for spiritual growth.

2. I can only grow by sharing and being of service. If I only have an interest in the program of recovery, I won't get as much as when I participate and do service. So I am willing to help out at meetings; I am willing to speak, or spend time working with newcomers. There are many jobs that I can do to be of service.

3. I have learned that alcoholism is a permanent disease which can be arrested but never cured. This surely is a thing I cannot change. I can change my way of thinking and living with courage and detachment and with the help of the program. Conscious and conscientious practice of all the principles of the program lifts me into a good, healthy way of life in which I have courage to meet what ever comes.

4. Freedom can come through education of the public. Much work is still needed to rid the disgrace, shame, and guilt attached to alcoholism. I can participate in outreach programs of my district.

5. I can live the program. Freedom comes from letting go and letting God. Only by living the program, day in and day out, can I really know it and when I know the program I can pass the message on to others.

6. I must take the help of my Higher Power and have the humility to ask for that help, before my life can begin to straighten out.

7. Live one day at a time. Our twenty four hour program is logical and valuable. If I live each day completely, to the best of my ability, not looking hack in regret, nor forward in despair, then I can attain a richer, fuller life. When I have peace within and freedom from despair, I show others what is possible and share my blessings with all.

8. Thought to meditate on: "Try looking through the eyes of another and see what you discover."

9. Practice the slogans: Easy Does It - don't knock myself off center fearing what probably isn't there. Let Go and Let God - I can't have everything to suit myself, but never fear, my Higher Power will help me cope. One Day at a Time - concentrate on just this moment and not on the fear of what might happen, but hasn't yet. First Things First - I can never gain the serenity I seek if I dissipate my strength in nameless fears. Live and Let Live - Life is too important to live in turmoils of fear and judgment. I can learn to live with confidence. Worth repeating again "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and there was no one there".

10. Principles above personalities. This is difficult when I allow myself to indulge in judging others. I needed to change those old ways of thinking. Desperation brought me to Al-Anon and I found a ray of hope. By practicing the principles of the program, I am coming out of the darkness and breathing free.

11. When I let go, I don't give up anything that belongs to me, but relinquish something I didn't own to begin with. By returning it to the proper hands, I obtain freedom.

12. Certainly not last in finding freedom is the fourth step. Nothing helps as much as a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, but I must go on and complete this inventory with step 5. I've taken the inventory, admitted to God, which is the easy part as I feel He knows me; and admitted it to myself. But now I must go further and admit the exact nature of my wrongs to another human being. This part is beneficial because the person I chose didn't allow me to beat up on myself repeatedly. Instead, he helped me to see the good qualities on which to build.

13. All the steps are vital to my new life of freedom: "When I know I am free within myself I will be better able to give loving thoughts to others."

14. If I remember that only God makes no mistakes, I can accept myself, my fellows, as human beings with much more happiness and contentment all around.

This is an honest program

All the talk on news shows about racism has made me examine my own thoughts on the subject. I have always considered myself to be open minded and yes...liberal in my ideas. I like to think that I don't judge people and have great compassion for others.

But this is an honest program. And in doing an inventory of myself last night, I realize that there are some elements of racism within myself. And that I do have some judgmental thoughts. These are not thoughts of hatred or dislike but thoughts that come up almost as a reflex when I see an interracial couple, or young men with baggy pants hanging out on street corners. These same thoughts of judgment come up when I see a morbidly obese person. And yes, when I see two men kissing there is a bit of feeling uncomfortable. I don't like this about myself. So I decided to look deeper at some of the reasons.

I suppose the overriding factor is that I have been exposed to the stereotyping of others. I grew up in the South where there were lots of racial tensions. I believe that the element of fearing those who are different from me and viewing them in a "less than" way was something that I heard a lot about on TV, in schools, and even in the church. It's almost as if there is a hypocritical thought process that occurs--yes, you are my equal but only up to a point.

The south that I grew up in and inhabit today continues to hold up white America and its cultural values as the right, good, and ideal. I hear it all around me, not overtly, but with insidious overtones. I think that being self-righteous is dangerous. It is designed to create discontent and can lead to making people feel that they are "less than". I know because I have felt "less than" over many years. And that is why I developed an attitude of self-hatred as well.

Thankfully, I know in my mind and heart that no race is superior to another because superiority amongst any race, culture, gender, class or even individual doesn't exist. We are all God's children and we are one species Homo sapiens. But there are differences in culture, religion, artistic expression, and a host of other attributes that make us who we are. I find that when I accept the differences, embrace them, and am in awe of them my judgments disappear.

Just as I don't sit around and contemplate whether the oak is more beautiful than the maple or the lion more powerful than the tiger, I realize that there is much good that comes from having diversity in nature and in our cultures. I don't fear diversity in nature, in fact I find it fascinating. I realize that the differences amongst us humans teach me much more than if we all had the same thoughts, ideals, intellect, and culture.

So my self-realization and inventory showed me that I need to continue to work on accepting and not judging. I do know that if I let fear, ignorance and hate separate me from others, I am not practicing the principles of the program in my life. It is only by embracing others with open mindedness that I'll be able to garner the appreciation, respect, and awe for not only the differences that exist among us but also for the uniqueness that exists in myself.

Rise and fall

Around sunset yesterday I was walking on the beach looking at the tall ships that had come into the Harbor for the maritime festival. It was peaceful with the waves lapping on the shore, the sun going down, and a gentle breeze blowing away the heat of the day.

I was watching a little girl dancing in the sand while her dad took photos of the setting sun. Little did I know at the time that a few blocks away Jenny Sanford and her four children were dealing with the fallout of her husband's affair.

I'm not going to pass any judgment on Gov. Sanford. I have my own opinions about his political views but am not going to write about that here. I have a lot of compassion for human failing. What happened to him has happened in marriages for centuries and will continue to happen. I like what the Big Book has to say," We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct" (I have often wondered why the sexual inventory is discussed on pg. 69). And I like that one can make amends and restitution for wrongs done.

But how this all plays out with his family is between them. I know that it's going to be painful and difficult. This is their dark night of the soul.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, and it can also be difficult. I have no idea what went on behind the walls of the Governor's mansion. But somehow, someway there must have been isolation and desolation. And a kind of desperation that leads people down a path where they grope for anything, booze, sex, pills, to escape the deadness of the soul.

I hope that this family will be able to work through their pain. Maybe a walk on the beach to watch the sunset will help.

Just some disclosure

Have you ever watched advertisements on TV where there is small print that states some kind of disclosure? It often goes on the screen and then off in a flash. The small print tells about the side effects of medication or the potential dangers from operating machinery.

In Al-Anon, we have something that is similar to "small print". Our closing states, " ..... the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest."

And that goes for what's written in blogs too. The opinions that are expressed here are those that I have. What I write can be serious, funny, sad, irrelevant, irreverent, didactic, colorful, boring, and borderline goofy. I guess it depends on my mood and things that are on my mind. Sometimes, frankly, there is nothing serious on my mind. I'm just floating along in a cloud of wonder. And then other times, I feel compelled to lay down the stuff that eats at my soul.

But whatever I put down here, it's just my opinion. I'm not anyone's Higher Power. I'm an imperfect human being who has experienced the gamut of emotions. I have character defects that are still deeply entrenched which I'm working on. I don't have answers for anyone else. And I don't want to insinuate that I do.

Blogging carries with it a weight of expectation. Or at least that can occur. I don't have any expectations of what others write. I can accept that you have the right to your opinion and that I can "take what I like and leave the rest".

I do that in meetings every time I go. I may listen to someone talk for 10 minutes about how angry she was that her dog was sick and threw up on her $50,000 oriental rug, and the next share may be by someone who is coping with the loss of a long-term relationship due to the disease of alcoholism.

The person sharing about the devaluation of her rug may have in her head that is what has messed with her serenity. While the loss of a relationship is what the other person needs to share. Sharing most certainly includes pleas for help, assistance, understanding, validation, support-- anything relevant to what we're going through. Just like blogging.

People can then employ the slogan "Take what you liked and leave the rest." We won't always agree. And everyone is entitled to opinions. I happen to not like judging others or character assassinations. Those things tend to be major serenity breakers. I've spent enough of my life with broken serenity that I don't need to do that anymore.

I would like to think that others who read here can take away some part of the message that they like. If what I post doesn't hit the mark or is disagreeable, then just "take what you like and leave the rest."

Thanks. Now back to my regularly scheduled program.

Shoulding all over myself

I laugh when I hear someone in a meeting say that they "shoulded" all over themselves. It is funny but such a true statement for so many of us in the program.

I certainly did my share of shoulding. And most of my finger-wagging attitude came because I was angry that my expectations and values weren't being met. And I had no concept at the time about being powerless. I thought that I knew how things should be. The alcoholic had a different attitude.

I listened to a sponsee tell me about his shoulding yesterday. His wife is an active alcoholic, and he told me about his morning conversation. It went something like this:

Him: "You sure are being grumpy this morning."
Her: "Yes, I guess I am. But you seem to not be so happy yourself. What's bothering you?"
Him: "You! You are bothering me. You should cut down on your drinking. You feel bad and then you sit around and mope. You should go out for a walk, do something positive. And you should get some help."

Wow---I remember those conversations. They did nothing but cause a major escalation. We would both end up saying things that were hurtful because I was angry at her drinking and felt it was my job to get her to stop by shaming, blaming and shoulding.

At the time, I didn't understand the concept of powerlessness, acceptance, or minding my own business. I was critical, judgmental and angry. And I probably learned a lot of that from my parents who were judgmental themselves.

Anyway, I talked to the sponsee about how a statement that starts with the word "You" is a controlling statement. And it often contains some form of accusation or judgment. If I feel compelled to make a comment, an "I" statement about my thoughts works much better and feels more honest.

"Thou shalt not should thyself. "
--Anonymous

Imperfections

I've been asked to sponsor someone in the program and this is both exciting and daunting. I think about how much more I need to learn. I wonder if I'm ready for guiding this person. I hope that I have the wisdom to work with another as my sponsor has done with me.

And that has turned my thoughts to imperfections, mainly mine. Having expectations of perfection in myself and others is unrealistic. I know that and yet I can punish myself or another through comparison, smugness, and judging.

I've felt it necessary many times to justify what I was doing, rather than just accepting that I'm okay and that I don't owe explanations to anyone but my HP.

I am telling myself that there is no perfect way, only God's way. No comparison, no perfection, no judging, just an open mind, humility and acceptance.

A hard decision

I was browsing through a blog that I read occasionally and saw a reference to an essay from Skirt magazine written by Alison Piepmeier. The essay is about her decision to have an abortion, how it affected her and her husband's relationship, and how they made amends to the fetus. The essay has generated a lot of comments, some supportive and others that are highly judgmental and downright nasty.

Alison's essay brought back a time when my wife and I struggled with this tough decision. I think that it's impossible for anyone to understand the emotions surrounding such a decision unless you've had to make it. I believe that terminating a pregnancy is a very personal decision and one that Alison didn't take lightly.

My wife and I had to make a similar decision years ago. It too was painful but the timing of the pregnancy wasn't right and neither of us was prepared for a baby. In fact, both of us felt that we were too messed up to think about bringing a child into the world. And yet, there it was--she was pregnant and we had to deal with the situation. So after going through a lot of soul searching, my wife decided to terminate the pregnancy. I accepted that decision for a lot of reasons, most of which had to do with the deterioration of our marriage, the focus on our careers, and a level of responsibility that neither of us wanted.

Although I've revisited that decision many times since then, it has only been since being in Al-Alon and working the steps, that I've made an amends for the decision to terminate the pregnancy. It also appears that Alison and her husband accepted their decision, made an amends to the fetus, and moved on with their life. But there are still moments when I wonder how it all would have turned out should the baby have been born. That indicates to me that I haven't completely shut the door on the past. My wife doesn't speak about this anymore and hasn't for years. I know that I can't undo what is done nor would I want to. At that time, it was the best decision. In retrospect, because my father's drinking affected me negatively, I believe that it was still the best decision given the genes involved and the situation of growing up around an alcoholic.

So ours was a decision based on probabilities and emotions, and it was a selfish decision for those reasons. But I know that the decision was not made flippantly. And I also know that no person has a right to judge or forgive such actions. That's up to the Higher Power. And that's a discussion that I will likely have with the HP for a long time.

Wishing that I were else where today

You and me
Sittin' in the back of my memory
Like a honey bee
Buzzin' 'round a glass of sweet Chablis
Radio's on
Windows rolled up
And my mind's rolled down
Headlights shining
Like silver moons
Rollin' on the ground

We made love
In every way love can be made
And we made time
Look like time
Could never fade
Friday Night
We both made the guitar hum
Saturday made Sunday feel
Like it would never come

Gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
Gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again

Soul to soul
Heart to heart
And cheek to cheek
Come on baby
Give me a kiss
That'll last all week

The thought of you leavin' again
Brings me down
The promise of
Your sweet love
Brings me around

It's gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
It's gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again
And again

Lyrics by John Prine, Long Monday

It's a Monday for sure with all the Monday attitude as well. I'm looking out my window at the water and wishing that I were on it instead of having to get ready for a conference this week. I had an exhausting weekend both mentally and physically.

On Saturday I asked a friend to meet me in the afternoon to listen to a local band and look at some boats. This is a person with whom I've enjoyed a close friendship before going into the program. After finding out that I was going to Al-Anon and that my priorities were shifting, there has been much less comraderie between us. I feel a palpable distance now. At first, I thought maybe there was some judgment thrown in but decided that may be my projection.

What I decided to accept is that it isn't my problem. I've been honest and open about the home situation and made an effort to keep the friendship going. If it isn't going any further, then that's okay. I can't control that. I examined my feelings and think that whatever is going on is with the other person who appears none too happy at the moment and is obsessed with work. I'm in a different place which is where I need to be now.

On Sunday night, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and heard an anniversary story by one of the ladies in the group. She's had 13 years in the program and is doing well. Although I could identify with some of what she said, I felt that I needed to hear something different last night. I told my sponsor this morning that I probably needed the rougher edges of the AA group last night. Maybe because I was in a rough place myself or I just needed something to smack me in the face with a different dose of reality.

I got the uncomfortable feeling once again that this particular Al-Anon meeting is dominated by one person. Most of the people at this meeting are sponsored by the same person. I've voiced concerns about the controlling behavior before in blog posts and last night it was there again. I know from Step Four that I have a problem with controlling and being controlled. So I just listened and was thankful that the program has helped me to recognize how I used to control and how I need to be aware of that shortcoming. It still feels bad to me when I see control in action; however, I'm glad to be able to talk to my sponsor about it and let it go. I'm looking forward to more Step Four work tonight and my home group meeting afterwards.

I'm hoping a good workout at the gym during lunch will boost my energy for the afternoon work.

Live and let live

It's always amazing to me how you can get a bunch of people together and find either something in common or that outlier that is off the radar screen. I am sometimes the outlier but I also run into people who are outliers but on the opposite end of the tolerance gradient from me. I happened to run into some people last evening that were related to some of the work that I do.

One of the guys in the group, an older man, started talking about how he can't stand men who have earrings. He seemed also to be very homophobic. Now, I really don't get worked up about much of anything anymore, but I do like to have a little fun sometimes when I can. I said that I thought that if someone liked having piercings it was fine with me since I believed in the live and let live philosophy. Then, I lifted my hair that covered my right ear and showed the 10 piercings that I had. I thought that he would pass out. He said a few choice words and began to ask the usual questions of why would I do that to myself and what was I thinking, etc. You know the drill--the incredulity of someone who is heavily judgemental and self-righteous of which we were both guilty. I'm sure that he was thinking how glad he was that he didn't have a son like me and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't have the same thought processes that he had.

This kind of thinking creates the prejudices that we have in our society. I was guilty of rising to the bait, albeit with humor and not malice, but this indicates to me that my best move might have been to have excused myself politely and walked away. I can think of many times that I've risen to being baited by my alcoholic, only to have an argument ensue that was damaging. I think that Live and Let Live is a very good philosophy and one that I believe in. The interchange that I had with this guy indicates that I need to revisit Step One, concentrating on my powerlessness over people, places, and things. I also need to think clearly about Live and Let Live and letting those things that grate my soul, just slide past like a wake of a boat. They may rock you a bit but eventually the water is calm again and you can get underway.

Self-worth

One of the parts of Step Four in Al-Anon is to assess self worth. I've had moments when I felt confident and carefree and then I've had moments in which I felt totally worthless. In the fourth step workbook, there is a statement that really hits home:

"We hid our feeling of self-worth deep within, and our perspective became distorted. Many of us even tried to conceal that we felt worthless on the inside to the point that we couldn't show any real warmth and concern for anyone, including ourselves".

I know that there are families where the self-esteem of the child is nurtured. In my family, I could never please my father. He was a stern person who was always critical of me no matter how hard I tried. From that critical parental view, I began to think that I wasn't ever going to be "good enough".

I can think back on how many times I was concerned about what others thought of me. For the most part though, if I felt criticized and rejected, I shut myself off from those people. I didn't try to change myself which is a good thing. That system broke down though around those people that I loved. For them, I would try my best to be what they wanted, at the sacrifice of my own well being. Now I recognize those individuals who are judgmental and I am not really concerned about what they think. Sure there are moments when I slip and become self-critical; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm really okay and the issues that others have are not something that I have to own. I still love deeply but if someone really doesn't like the way I am, then there needs to be communication that is clear and a discussion that is rational and loving. I know what kind of person I am and am getting more and more comfortable in my skin.