Feeling at home

Happy Love Day to you, my friends.  It is a cold one here, unusual for even February.  We have a good fire going.  And some warm soup on the stove. Nothing too special but some time together.

What I want to write about is my home group.  Sadly, few people attend anymore. We were always a small group, but it seems that over the last 8 months, our numbers have dwindled remarkably.  If you recall, this was the group that my sponsor started over 20 years ago.  It was where I worked my steps and studied the traditions. It was where we did book studies.  And now, it feels like a dying group.

I have driven an hour to this group for nine years. Now, I am tired of driving the distance and have three other meetings within 15 minutes of our house.  The other meetings have from 12 to 25 people.  Yet, I feel sad at the decline in the legacy of the group where I felt most at home.

I am not going to give up and plan to be back in the spring. Hopefully, others may come back too.

Unfortunately, there appear to be a decline in some groups throughout the area. And numbers are down nationwide.  As the population ages, it seems that fewer young people are coming to the rooms.  And men are definitely rarer in meetings than women.

I am not sure why this is occurring.  Perhaps as problems in society increase, people have less time for "self help" and spend more time just making ends meet. As for lack of men, most of us are less likely to seek any help for any problems, both professionally and in a "self help" format.  Maybe it is the mention of a "God of our understanding" that is off putting.

Having tried therapy years ago,  Al-Anon was the place where it all "clicked" for me. It was where I found fellowship and support.  I learned that others had the same problems that I had.  And I learned to not hide those problems, but to share what I felt in a group of strangers.

This was hard at first. But I stuck it out and learned to trust, feel safe and be emotionally present to ourselves and others.  I believe that the fellowship is probably the reason most people stay. The real work of the 12 steps and doing service work seems to be not as high a priority.

No matter how long we go to meetings, family relationships cannot always be transformed.  I have seen individuals transform though, from angry people to those who have learned to be loving even when our families are dysfunctional. We learn to soothe ourselves, and we learn that we need to be close to others. No longer being a victim is empowering.  In the meetings I attend,  I experience patience and kindness, especially when we see traits in others that we have looked at in ourselves. As we truly learn to love and accept ourselves, these traits are seen as a reason to love than as an excuse to persecute.

I will keep coming back.  It is where I feel at home.

Hope that you are experiencing love today.

Nine years today

Today is my 9th anniversary in Al-Anon.  I have told you about all of these years right here. You probably know more about my life than anyone, except for my first sponsor and my wife.  I'm grateful that you have been with me on the journey thus far.

And it has been a good journey in recovery.  I can remember how it started out. That first year was confusing.  My wife was new to AA, and I wasn't sure whether our marriage could be healed.  We didn't trust each other.  It was a rough time.

Gradually, as each year passed, we came to realize that if we applied the principles of recovery to our lives, we could prevail.  I learned about compassion and just how much I loved her.  I realized that we were both damaged when we met.  And as I thought of her as a child, fearful of the emotional abuse from an alcoholic father and a mother who was affected by her husband's alcoholism, I came to feel so much love for her.  I realized that I was wounded too by my father's drinking.  And I came to love him more than ever, along with my in-laws, because they did the best they knew how to do.

So C. and I shared a common bond of children affected by alcoholism.  I knew her pain, and she knew mine.  We grew to be respectful and kind to each other, rather than having the old judgmental and contemptuous feelings.  And over these years our love has grown to where we are today.  Neither of us can imagine life without the other.

I am so fortunate to have found out who I am and that I have a lot of good qualities.  I am grateful for having met so many people whose paths I would not have crossed if not for Al-Anon.  I am glad that you have been along for the journey too.  We have written, learned, cried, laughed, and comforted each other in more ways than I thought possible. Thank you all.

Questions about coping with an alcoholic spouse

I received this comment the other day:
"I need help coping with my alcoholic wife. I hardly speak to her anymore, not sure if I love her, getting sick and tired of the antics that surround the drinking, manipulation and embarrassment. Trying to answer questions from my 7 year old daughter, "why is Mommy acting funny again?" or, "Mommy's being rude".

I don't know where to begin. I have an alcoholic wife who we will call Samantha or Sam for short. When Sam's not drinking she is very un-pleasant, doesn't say one positive word to anyone if she speaks at all. She uses her alcoholic behavior to get what she wants or what she believes will solve the problem. We have been married for 14 years. I was a social drinker then so we had a lot of fun, but I started to notice she was more than a social drinker and started making comments about slowing down. God forbid that I asked a question like that! The subject is not up for discussion sober or otherwise. Her parents are both alcoholics so they are no help. We tried to have children for several years depleting our savings account with fertility Drs. to no avail. She was saying things like "if we have a child I will quit drinking because I will have a purpose, or "if you buy the house with a few acres we can have horses then I'll stop drinking" and so on. We successfully adopted a beautiful baby girl at birth 7 years ago. Now I have realized all the enabling I have done and I'm so mad at myself for bringing this little girl into this mess.

Sam isn't very pleasant until she has a few drinks, then becomes somewhat pleasant until she has more than a few and becomes unreasonable and difficult to deal with. She starts arguments with my daughter and I close myself off in another room and try to ignore the situation which eventually spirals out of control at which time I lose my temper at both of them.

I have started to threaten Sam that I can't live in this environment any longer and she needs help. She reluctantly went to a counselor for 5 or 6 weeks to discuss her issues but that has stopped. Sam tells me that the counselor says she doesn't have a drinking problem and that the problem is that I am such an asshole. She even went to a few AA meetings only to come home and get drunk.

I'm out of patience and considering divorce. I have worked so hard for everything we have and hate to think about losing it all in a costly divorce but something had to happen. Sam doesn't want to get help so is it time to back up the idle threats by actually leaving?

This is my first time reaching out to anyone or writing on a blog so I'm not sure what I doing here."

First off, thank you for reaching out.  That was one of the hardest things for me to do.  I thought for so many years that I could handle what ever was happening. I had to because I certainly didn't want to let anyone know what was going on at home.  I was filled with shame and wanted to cover up the drinking.

I think that you are hoping to get some answers.  I can tell you what worked for me.  When my wife was actively drinking, she too denied that she had a problem. She refused to get help and lied about how much she was drinking.  But, I could tell her exactly how much she had and frequently did.  My nagging her about drinking only made her angry.  I didn't accomplish anything except to make her more unreasonable and irritable when I asked her not to drink.

So after many years of nagging and worrying, I finally got to the point that I started to not care about her.  She was becoming more of a problem to me because her actions were causing me to also be angry and unreasonable.  She wouldn't do anything I wanted! No matter what I tried, she simply wouldn't stop. After one particularly terrible evening at a party where she got drunk and drove off, leaving me to walk home, I decided I had enough.

I told her that I was going to move out.  I wasn't angry when I told her this, simply resolved.  I knew that I was at the end of my ability to cope with alcoholism.  So I told her that I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and that I was going to get an apartment.  I didn't mention divorce, although that was certainly in my mind.  I simply wanted to get away from her.

She became hysterical and begged me not to leave.  She asked if I loved her.  I said that I wasn't sure.  She asked what she could do to get me to stay. I didn't know, but mentioned that a good friend who had been sober for many years told me to tell her that if she would go to AA and really work the program, she would come to know great happiness.  But the other part of the message was that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I was suffering from the effects of her drinking.

So I told her what I was going to do regarding going to Al-Anon.  I also reiterated what my friend said about AA.  She agreed to go.  I went to Al-Anon. We decided to give our marriage another try.  But I set a boundary that I would not live with active alcoholism.  I believe that she was ready to quit drinking because she has not had a drink since before that first meeting nearly 9 years ago.

Our marriage is much better than it has ever been because we have mutual respect for each other.  It has taken a lot of work in the programs of AA and Al-Anon for us to be where we are now.

I do believe that you have to speak your truth to Sam.  Trying to get her to stop drinking is not going to work, but telling her what you are going to do to take care of yourself may actually get her attention.  There is a saying in Al-Anon that "changed attitudes can aid recovery".  I can attest that is true.  My changed attitude of taking care of me and not focusing on what my wife was doing helped our marriage.

So my suggestion to you is to go to several Al-Anon meetings.  You will find people there who will understand what you are dealing with.  I tell people to try at least six meetings to see if Al-Anon is right for them.  Hopefully, you will hear what you need in order to put the focus on you and your children.

Finally, I want to share one of my favorite readings from Al-Anon literature. This is from the book From Survival to Recovery (pg. 269):
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.

Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be a slave to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness.

Will we arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute-and that is enough."

The turning point

This week, I read some posts by people who have decided to ask for help with their loved one's addiction, rather than go it alone. I know how much courage it takes to walk into a room of strangers and take a seat. Most of us did not think that we would ever need to reach out in desperation, admit that we had a problem, and seek out others.  But alcoholism and drug addiction can bring even the strongest of us to our knees.

I suppose it is shame and fear about the disease that keeps us from admitting we need help.  I remember that several years before I finally went to Al-Anon, a good friend suggested that I go.  I still thought that I could deal with everything. I could take what alcoholism dished out.  I didn't want to admit that I needed help, regardless of what my loved one was doing. But alcoholism doesn't give up. I suffered a few more years before I realized just how powerful the disease is.

I am not sure what the turning point was for me.  Maybe it was just a culmination of all the little things resulting from alcoholism that added up to my surrender. Maybe it was the night my wife drove off drunk and left me to walk home. Maybe it was having to make sure she didn't fall down the stairs in a blackout or aspirate on her own vomit. Whatever it was, something inside of me shifted, and I saw what a sham my life was.   So when another friend suggested I go to a meeting, I knew that it was time. I had come to the point in my life where I needed a life ring, because I was drowning.

So here I am nearly 8 years later.  I made the decision to get help and to help others.  I have heard my story countless times in the rooms of Al-Anon.  I have seen parents lose their children to the disease.  I have seen those same parents realize that there was nothing they could have done.  I have seen people who were broken, laugh out loud and have tears of joy. I have seen incredible grace reside in the roughest of people.  I have found friends that I did not think I would ever have.  I have been blessed with a renewal in my relationship with my wife, who I love more than anything or anyone. None of this seemed possible, but now I see that by shedding my pride and reaching out my hand, I have been granted a new way to live.

To say that I am grateful is an understatement.

If you want what we have......

With so many people in pain from the misery of living with an alcoholic, I wonder what it actually takes for them to eventually realize that they too have been affected by the disease.  Yet, day in and day out, they struggle along as a caregiver, angry spouse, unhappy person who puts on so many masks to the world so the world won't know how much pain and sadness the person has.

Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:

There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.

Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.

There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.

I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…

Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.

I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death.  Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me.  A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.

I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion.  And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you?  Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.

I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon.  I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have.  I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable.  I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore.  I write about living life on life's terms.  And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.

My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse.  I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant.  I didn't understand what a Higher Power was.  I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are.  Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about.  I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days.  I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict.  I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.

But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day.  Misery was truly optional.  And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person.  I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.

For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are.  Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion.  Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love.  Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing.  We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.

The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more.  I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day.  I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something.  But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before.  I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life.  And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.

A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

I am your family member, lover, friend.  I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship.  I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.  

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me.  If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself.  I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober.  I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore.  I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting.  I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.  Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay.  I accept you as you are.  I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be.  For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace.  I know now that half measures will avail us nothing.  Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me.  I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments.  When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me.  Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves.  Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also,  let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words.  Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses.  Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one.  Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.  The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

Clearing skies

We have had some terrific storms here in the last few days.  The one on Saturday evening was spectacular, with lightening arcing across the sky.  Our boat and one other were anchored for the light show.  When the rain came, we hunkered below and after a few minutes were treated to a beautiful sunset.  These are the moments of clarity for me, a chance to refresh the mind and body.    I could see a change in my wife also, as she was relaxed and cheerier after the weekend.

I didn't realize that she had stopped taking medication several months ago.  Yesterday, she had an appointment with a new doctor who prescribed meds to help her sleep and for depression.  My thoughts, which I keep to myself, are that
she would probably feel better if she went thoroughly through the steps with a new sponsor and found a spiritual solution.  Many recovering alcoholics find that Al-Anon also helps when dealing with the effects of living with an alcoholic. I know that she had a hard time with her father when growing up.  I also know that she has to find her way to work through this.

One of the hardest things is to watch someone I love struggling with a spirit breaker like depression, alcoholism, or the myriad of problems that plague humans.  Time has taught me that there is nothing I can do to relieve their suffering except love them and take care of myself.  And I pray for those who are sick and suffering to move through the darkness within to light and peace.

Oysters, puppies, and a few other things

I went to an oyster roast yesterday.  It was another glorious day, with temperatures in the mid 60's.  I ate oysters, watched the dogs retrieve in the pond, caught up with some friends and had a nice afternoon.  It felt good to see an old neighbor who was actually the person to whom I made my first amends.  I am no longer worried about his opinion of me.  My side of the street is clean.

One of the highlights was seeing and holding some 8 week old puppies whose mother was the daughter of my old girl who recently died.  These were her grandbabies, and they were precious.  Nothing like nuzzling some babies that have that wonderful puppy breath. Their sturdy little bodies and thick coats were awesome.  It did my heart good to see these descendants that go back several generations from my line of English Labradors.  

I generally read blogs in the morning and evening.  I have found that my meditation time is not complete without opening blogs and checking in on what you are doing.  My blog roll has grown enormously since I started blogging several years ago.  I find that I get so much out of what is posted.  In many ways, what you write has been as much an integral part of my recovery as meetings have.

Many times I will read a blog entry that makes me think about what it was like when I first started going to meetings.  One of the bloggers was writing about her experience with going to an Al-Anon meeting and not feeling comfortable because the meeting was closed.  

Al-Anon meetings are closed because they are limited to members and prospective members who will feel free to share and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of one another on a confidential and anonymous basis. This means that therapists, health professionals and people who don't have a problem with alcoholism won't be attending just to observe.  Having a closed meeting keeps it safe for all who attend.

An Al-Anon meeting may choose to be "open" by the consent of its participants.  An "open" Al-Anon meeting allows attendance by people who are not families and friends of alcoholics but who are interested in learning about Al-Anon.  People who may come to open Al-Anon meetings occasionally include students and professionals who work with alcoholics and their families.  I've been in these open meetings in which students attend. And invariably, one of them will share that there is someone in the family who is affected by the disease.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  That's pretty broad.  Most of us have relatives or friends who have a problem with alcoholism.  I know many people who come to Al-Anon who have relatives who are drug addicts. And that is largely because there are so few Nar-Anon meetings and Families Anonymous meetings around. But the focus is not on the alcoholic (or addict) but on the crazy behavior of those who live with them.  The anger, resentment, worry, enabling, sadness are common emotions that occur when someone you love is making a mess of their lives.

I do believe in singleness of purpose.  But I have not seen anyone turned away because their loved one was a drug addict rather than solely an alcoholic.  Now days, there are so many that have both problems.  Or perhaps one morphs into the other.  I was told to attend six meetings before making up my mind about whether Al-Anon was for me.  I picked my sponsor at my third meeting.  He showed me compassion and from that I learned to be compassionate.  I learned to shift my focus from talking about the destructive behavior of my loved one to the destructive behavior that I had.  And that is what meetings are about.  We come in hopeless and learn to have hope, learn to have a life that isn't filled with anxiety and obsessing about others, learn to live for ourselves again.  Powerful stuff.

More than one way....

As usual, The Walking Man made a thought provoking comment on my last post.  Here is some of what he said:
I tried the AA way and what I found in every single meeting I ever went to was a clique that if you hadn't been a part of it for a few years at least, you were ignored, no one came up to me and told me about the "how this thing of ours works." Maybe I wasn't wearing the right clothes or didn't know the secret handshake. So I personally have no respect for AA but I do not condemn it either because for some it is their religion. their way to salvation. 

I can't address the cliques in AA, but would like to write about whether recovery programs like AA and Al-Anon are the only way.   For some, like me, Al-Anon is a salvation.  I tried therapy, and it didn't bring home the message to me like Al-Anon has. Yet, I do recognize that there are other ways to deal with alcoholism.

Sometimes there is confusion expressed in meetings about not drinking versus recovery. These are two separate issues for me.  Being sober is but a step in managing the disease.  It stops the physical deterioration that alcoholism brings. Sobriety in and of itself is a huge step, but the disease is in the thinking and actions of the alcoholic and those of us who are around them.  There are those that I know who go to meetings and have 20 + years sober, yet the diseased thinking and "isms" are still there.

What is equally important is learning a new way of living and thinking.  That is what I believe the 12 step recovery programs provide. Al-Anon is working for me because I wanted to change my behavior: the anger, the fear, the judging, the nagging.  I did not feel happy but desperately wanted to change. Until a person is ready for that, I don't think that change will happen.

I believe that AA and the Big Book state that if you can find another way,  then that's fine.  But for those who are "beyond human aid",  then going "cold turkey", toughing it out, and having a will of steel to make it so may not be enough.  The spiritual solution is what many have found to be the solution for them.

Even though I am not in AA, I have been to enough open meetings to hear that many have tried all kinds of ways to stop the disease: religion, family, relationships, sex, drugs, etc.  But what I hear in meetings is that it wasn't until they reached that utter surrender to a deathly bottom did they finally give in and give up to the God of their understanding.  At that time, they were willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety, serenity and sanity.

It is a cunning, baffling and powerful thing. And maybe for those who are spiritually sick,  12 step recovery programs such as AA and Al-Anon are a starting point to address the low self-esteem, behavioral and coping problems that alcoholism brings.  No matter what, I believe that the individual has to give in to the process whether it is Al-Anon, AA  or "Sober Valley Lodge".  If something works to bring about the peace and serenity in your life, then stick with it. 

I think that a great part of 12 step recovery is helping others.  By doing so,  I help myself.  What is of most importance is that if works for the one person choosing to work it for one day at a time with one reason in mind, then that is incredible. 

For me, Al-Anon has helped me to find friends,  have a bigger "family",  get acceptance, understand humility, lose fear, and share experience, strength and hope.   I have not received this from any other entity that I have been involved in before or since coming into recovery myself. 

For sure, there are other programs that work. There are other ways that work. When I think about how many people are affected by alcoholism, it is staggering. I have heard that for every one alcoholic, there are 10 who are affected by the disease.  Where are these people?  Maybe they are toughing it out like I did for decades. Maybe they have found a solution in couches and pills some of which will point a hurting person into the doors of AA and Al-Anon and some that will just give the pain another appointment and another bill.  Maybe they write, paint, exercise, cook or have some other passion that is fulfilling.  It is our choice to investigate and discern what is right for each of us.

Each person has to find a path to recovery.  To say that it's the AA way or nothing, or the Al-Anon way or nothing is unfair.   I remain open minded about opinions here.  I do have my own but defend the right of others to express theirs.  Thus, I don't condemn or put down others who choose a different way.  All I can do is share what has worked for me. We all wander in this life. All I am doing is shining a little bit of light that I have. If it helps, I am glad.

What Al Anon can give you

One of my favorite pieces of literature in Al-Anon is from the book From Survival to Recovery.  Some have called these the Al-Anon "promises".  I have always felt moved by the words on page 86 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.  So when I read them I could see why these are considered "promises" for Al-Anon.  They are coming true for me as I progress in the program. 

World Service doesn't call them promises or gifts.  I cannot post them here because that would be in violation of a copyright.  However, you can find them in the AFG book From Survival to Recovery on page 269.  I can tell you that these will come true for you if you will commit to this program of recovery.

Three Obstacles to Success

More and more, I am hearing the Three Obstacles to Success in Al-Anon being read at meetings.  I like to hear these because it services as a reminder that Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving, and understanding.  In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics which can lead to dissension and that can distract us from our goals.

So here are the Three Obstacles: 
1. DISCUSSION OF RELIGION:  Al-Anon is not allied with any religion.  It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion.  Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none.  Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious beliefs. 
2. GOSSIP:  We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy.  In such groups, gossip can have no part in our program.  We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon.  Careless repeating of matters heard at Al-Anon meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together. 
3. DOMINANCE:  Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve.  No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority, or give advice.  Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, and rotation of leadership.  Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have serious consequences for group harmony.

Religion is not something that I want to hear in meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of an organized religion.  I was raised in the Episcopal church and later attended the Presbyterian Church on the island where I live.  I am glad to have experienced church school, sermons, and been brought up in the teachings of the church.  But I am also glad to be among a fellowship where no one religion is The Way.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world.  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.   They all have their own God, believe differently and are all sure their teaching is the correct way to believe.  But I don't believe God created all the different religions and beliefs, people did.  I'm not offended by what others believe at all.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an , that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous.

So, I think harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. I am glad that everyone is included regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Gossip is another obstacle.  I don't like gossip. It is hurtful and often based on false information. To me, meetings are a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings and what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

Finally, dominance means that egos run the meetings.  God has been edged out.  I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.

I think that reading of these obstacles in a meeting is a good idea and helps remind each of us to keep the group healthy.

Pouring outside and in

It is raining here today.  We certainly need the rain as it has been dry for several weeks.  I like these rainy days when the sky is overcast.  When I was working, I would wish that I were home reading a book.  Now that I am retired,  I am home and reading blogs and books.

I can't seem to catch up on the blogs or on the books.  I guess that I will have to get used to the idea that I will get what I can done.  There aren't any deadlines for me now---well, except for the self-imposed ones that I seem to make for myself.   I still feel a bit uneasy about having so much free time to do what I want.

I have gone back into my work place at least for several hours a week since I left.  I see a few people.  But mostly I slip into the building, unlock my old office, and go in to finish a few things that were left undone.  I have finally packed up all my things and moved them out.  There were just a few remaining files to go through.

I am glad to see the people there when someone says hello. But I don't feel as if I belong anymore.  It isn't a particularly good feeling because it reminds me of how I used to do my best to avoid people.  These are old issues with me.  And I will continue to address the feeling of not being wanted or appreciated.  As I have written here many times before, the fear of abandonment is something that I work on every day.

Another one of my character defects that has raised its head recently has been one involving lack of trust with some members in the program.  I go through these ebbs and flows when I feel really great about the people that I am around in meetings, only to be countered by a feeling of irritation and, yes, resentment towards them.

My most recent malcontent feelings were when a fellow chaired one of the Al-Anon meetings with the topic being Step One.  He "rewrote" the first step saying that "we admitted we were powerless over our addicts".  I realize that there are many people who come to Al-Anon because of drug addiction in a friend or relative.  But I like to keep in mind that our primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics.  I do believe in our primary purpose and that trying to change it to focus on addicts isn't what I can relate to.  The more he talked about the addicts in our lives,  equating alcoholism with addiction, the less I could concentrate on the topic.  I sometimes feel as if the fellowship is being diverted from that which I can relate to.  But that is something that I need to reconcile within myself.

So once again there is a lot for me to work on in my recovery.  Acceptance and compassion are two things that I have to be mindful of each day.  This is a gentle program and not one where there are rules and regulations.

A much beloved friend in program shared with me that missing three meetings could result in dismissal from a group.  I don't know where this is written, and I am glad that I have not been told that I need not show up again if I miss three meetings.  That is what makes this fellowship so great.  There are no rules and regulations per se.  One can be gone for years and then show back up to be welcomed.  Something for me to keep in mind as I negotiate the twists and turns in my daily life as well!  And I already feel better for having written this.  The program itself is strong and for that I am grateful.

Thus far

We have had a full day so far.  I started the morning out with the Al-Anon All Day which runs all day; but with so much to do I stayed for the morning.  The theme was freeing up our lives, being free in our spirit, daring to be free and enjoy life.  I am the poster boy for that these last few years. 

I had to smile to myself when one of the ladies said that we should live our dreams.  I thought of my beautiful sailboats and thought that I am living a dream.  I am glad to have stepped outside of the box most of my life.  But only in recent years have I given myself permission to go for those things that I used to only dream about.  Living the dream is a wonderful thing.

I drove from the meeting over to see Sojourner who has a nice beautifully painted brick red bottom.  She is looking really good.  Soon there will be new cerulean blue boot and cove stripes painted on her.  And her hull will be waxed and polished.  After that she will be making her splash down in the water, christened with her new owners.

Last night, we went to see the movie Secretariat which is a really great movie to see whether you like horses or not.  It is as much about stamina of people as it is about the horses.  Without a belief in yourself and the horse, none of what happened would have made history.  I remember when Secretariat won the Triple Crown.  I watched him race past Sham and smash records at Belmont Park.  And did you know that he did have a great heart?  His heart at autopsy weighed 22 lbs. which is the largest on record for a Thoroughbred.  So when people say that race horses have to have heart, they aren't fabricating.

Anyway, that has been the weekend thus far.  Later, who knows.....dinner at a sushi restaurant, a walk on the beach, a meeting?  There are no plans, just a lot of spontaneity on this beautiful Saturday.  I hope that you enjoy yours.

Starting a new group

Today we had the organizing meeting for a new Al-Anon group. I am fortunate to be a part of this process as I had not done this before. The format for meetings is pretty much the same from group to group so that no matter where you go in the world, a person will know it is an Al-Anon meeting.  It's the details though that more or less set the tone for the group.

One of the first things we had to do was decide on a name.  A friend in AA said that the name could set the tone for the group.  He was in the start up AA group High Noon and realized in retrospect that the name wasn't a good one. It invited those other than AA to come in and the meeting has become watered down AA.  So the name was something that seemed to be important.  I like the name for this new group, Primary Purpose, which was decided at the meeting. It is in keeping with the statement that the primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics. It hopefully connotes what we are about. 

The type of meetings seems to be important as well.  We discussed what we wanted to hear.  Having a topic meeting such as Anger, Resentment, Gratitude, etc didn't seem to be what those present wanted. The group conscience decided that we wanted something more focused.  We decided to have a step, a tradition/concept, and a literature meeting each month with the fourth meeting being on a topic with open discussion. I like this because the focus is on recovery and the path to reach solutions. I think this group will be hard-core Al-Anon. As one lady expressed, "I have been searching for a real Al-Anon meeting since I arrived.  It appears that this will be one." 

We also agreed to have a group conscience every three months to take the pulse of the group.  Changes can be made as the group evolves.  That is a good thing--keeping an open mind. 

I know that I learn something from each Al-Anon meeting I attend.  But I do appreciate the singleness of purpose of the fellowship. I don't want the message to be diluted.  And it appears that the message for the time being will be a good one.  If this isn't everyone's cup of tea, then there are many other meetings where one can get what they want.   It appears that there will be yet another opportunity to focus on Al-Anon recovery in this area.  I am grateful to be part of this fledgling group.

Why I keep coming back

On of the fundamental principles of Al-Anon is "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."  There are many times that I have late night meetings, have a difficult time with sponsees, get emergency calls at all hours, and give up a lot of free time.  I sometimes want to take the easier, softer way and miss meetings.  Yet, I keep coming back.

I have found that this is a program for living. I know that the more years I attend, the better I will be at living life on life's terms.  I have seen great changes in others and can feel the changes within myself.  I can go to a meeting and will hear exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I learn the value of mistakes when I really start to listen to other people. When I sit at a meeting and share with others, I find myself admiring those people who can admit when they have problems and are seeking a solution.  I see the courage that it takes to work this program.  I find humility in myself and others. It isn't weakness or glumness, but simply our humanness.

This program of recovery has given so much to me.  My sponsor has been there since the beginning. Now, I can give back what has been so freely given to me.   And by being apart of this program, I give of myself, yet get back something far more valuable in return.

The consequence of coming, keeping and open mind, applying the steps, traditions, concepts, slogans, philosophy, literature and suggestions from my sponsor is that my life is much less reactive and more appropriately responsive to events that go on about and around me, in the rooms or not. If the truth is that those who have come from the disease and suffered the most have done so because of inappropriate and unacceptable choices and behaviors, then I don't need to have unreal expectations that they are going to immediately be okay because they are at a meeting.

Here are some things that I have decided to do in order to get what I need from meetings:

• Be the change I would like to see in the meeting.

• Keep the focus on myself

• Share my Experience, Strength and Hope and keep an open mind.

• Let go of expectations and Let God.

• Adhere to the Traditions myself

• Be of maximum service

 I am learning through my sponsees to carry the message and work the steps over and over.  In order to be of maximum service,  I had to understand the message that I carry: "I too was sad, lost and in need of help. I have had a spiritual awakening and found a new way of life. You also can find a new path to happiness."  

My wish for those who are new is that this program can be what you make it.  Like most things in life, I get out of something what I put into it.  I have found that what I put into Al-Anon recovery,  I gain ten fold in return.  My hope for those who find their way to a meeting is that they take away what they like and leave the rest, honor themselves on this journey, and be fully present on the path to recovery. Some may find another path to spiritual growth.  No one says that any one method is the answer.  But so far for me, I have found that the lessons I have learned in Al-Anon are enormously useful.

Cunning, baffling and powerful

There are some days that I wake up and feel a lot of joy.  That's probably most of the time.  Then there are those days that I wake up and feel sorry for myself, feel frustrated, or sad. Today I am leaning towards frustration and anger.  I am frustrated and angry at alcoholism.

In Al-Anon, we say that we love the person but hate the disease.  Today I'm hating the disease.  I realize that no matter how much I would like to undo my wife's alcoholism, she will always be an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do to change that.  The leopard was born with spots and will still have those spots until death. 

I hate that alcoholism is a unique disease that tells a person they don't have a disease at all, they don't need help and that just one drink won't make their life unmanagable.  The alcoholic's mental obsession with alcohol is subtle. Even after the sobriety comes,  the manifestations of alcoholism can still be present.  Yet, from reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcoholism “is an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” And in “The Doctor’s Opinion” introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous,  Dr. Silkworth writes that: ". . . the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It does not satisfy us to be told that we cannot control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

I see my sweet C. as she bakes cookies, does her gardening, smiles at me as we get into bed, snuggles against me.  I see this and want her to be "normal"-- whatever the hell that is.  And my adverse reaction to the disease made me fearful, obsessed, controlling and resentful.  I was exhibiting all the effects of alcoholism without taking a single drink!

I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots".  And I have to focus on taking care of what needs to be done to keep me in a good place emotionally and spiritually.  I have recovered my balance, mind, body and spirit by focusing on my own recovery in Al-Anon.  And just writing this out today has gotten me to a better place.

My 12 steps before Al-Anon

1. I decided I could handle any emotional problems if other people would just quit trying to run my life.

2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself and anyone who says differently is insane.

3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God, who didn't understand me anyway.

4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I know, so they couldn't fool me and take advantage of my good nature.

5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their wrongs.

6. I became willing to help these people get rid of their defects of character.

7. I was humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.

8. I kept a list of all the people who had harmed me, and waited patiently for a chance to get even.

9. I got even with these people whenever possible except when to do so would get me into trouble.

10. I continue to take everyone's inventory and when they are wrong, which is most of the time, I promptly make them admit it.

11. Sought through the concentration of my willpower to get God, who didn't understand me anyhow, to see that my desires were best, and He ought to give me the power to carry them out.

12. Having maintained my emotional problems with these steps, I can thoroughly recommend them to others who don't want to lose their hard-earned status, but wish to be left alone to practice neurosis in everything they do for the rest of their days.

I am glad to have a different view of living today.

Here are a few photos from today:

Attraction not promotion

I read some good posts today (Thanks Mary Christine and Ed!) that mentioned among other things, the amount of misinformation and negativism that occurs about 12 step programs, especially AA, on the internet.

I think that the internet has a lot of resources about recovery. It is up to the discerning reader to "take what they like and leave the rest". Although much of the criticism about 12 step programs is leveled at AA and how cult-like it is, I even found quite a few sites claiming that Al-Anon was a cult.

Some of the points made are that:
1) Al-Anon is anti family--The "family disease" concept is described as blaming parents and other alcoholics in our lives for our problems. Those in Al-Anon are purported to seek perpetrators who "abused" and caused much suffering in our lives.

2) The entire family must become involved in Al-Anon--The alcoholic won't be understood unless the family attends enough meetings and submits to the program. Al-Anon uses the disease concept as a lever to keep you coming back to meetings, and to make loyal members of your family.

3) Al-Anon perpetuates that the alcoholic is sick--The family will not be able to understand the alcoholic unless they also accept the addictive disease concept and become involved in a 12-step program such as Al-Anon. After attending Al-Anon, a person will regard the alcoholic as sick which will create mistrust and emotional distance between you and the loved one.

4) Al-Anon replaces family bonds with cult ties, defining the relationships between family members in clinical and cult terms. Families often break apart on account of AA cult loyalties.

I seriously wondered after reading some of this "information" whether any of the people who wrote about the cult concept ever a) attended several Al-Anon meetings or b) listened to anything that was said. I did happen upon this interesting published Al-Anon article by an anthropologist that gave a different view point.

Because I do believe that people have a right to their own opinions (I don't have to agree with what they say), I won't attempt to dissuade anyone from their beliefs. In fact, I'm not interested in promoting Al-Anon to a person who doesn't want it. But I did want it.

When I went to my first meeting, I could tell that it was something that I desperately wanted. I got a sponsor, listened to the experiences of others, and gradually began to incorporate the Al-Anon principles as a way of life. I learned about courage, strength, validation, understanding, experience and calm serenity from Al-Anon. I stopped worrying about what the alcoholic did, got away from obsessing and nagging her, and started to focus on my own well being.

And yet, the behavioral patterns and emotional wounds still crop up which is why I continue to go to meetings and work with others. I think that this program teaches a life lesson. I have learned how alcoholism affected me, why I let it, how I can learn to not allow it to affect new relationships, and how to relearn healthy relationships with people already in my life.

Through Al-Anon, I have learned patience, kindness, support and validation for me and for my wife who is alcoholic. It has taken time for me to learn about myself and to work on my character defects. I think that open mindedness is such a great thing. Given time and willingness to be open, a new perspective on life can evolve.

My recovery includes what I glean from 12-Step recovery in Al-Anon, combined with other sources of experience, strength, and hope. What I do is for my benefit. Recovery isn't dictated to me by another. I am free to take what I can use and leave the rest. I can honor my individuality. Those who are uncomfortable with my chosen path can deal with their own discomfort, for the lesson of tolerance and judgment is one that they must discover for themselves.

Freedom

This is the third post from a workshop that I found particularly interesting. This one is about how one can obtain freedom.

1. One may hold truth without inwardly possessing it. I need to actually apply the truths of the program to the reality in which I live. I can do that by applying the steps of the program, accepting the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, that I need a Higher Power to help me, and that the problems in my life are an opportunity for spiritual growth.

2. I can only grow by sharing and being of service. If I only have an interest in the program of recovery, I won't get as much as when I participate and do service. So I am willing to help out at meetings; I am willing to speak, or spend time working with newcomers. There are many jobs that I can do to be of service.

3. I have learned that alcoholism is a permanent disease which can be arrested but never cured. This surely is a thing I cannot change. I can change my way of thinking and living with courage and detachment and with the help of the program. Conscious and conscientious practice of all the principles of the program lifts me into a good, healthy way of life in which I have courage to meet what ever comes.

4. Freedom can come through education of the public. Much work is still needed to rid the disgrace, shame, and guilt attached to alcoholism. I can participate in outreach programs of my district.

5. I can live the program. Freedom comes from letting go and letting God. Only by living the program, day in and day out, can I really know it and when I know the program I can pass the message on to others.

6. I must take the help of my Higher Power and have the humility to ask for that help, before my life can begin to straighten out.

7. Live one day at a time. Our twenty four hour program is logical and valuable. If I live each day completely, to the best of my ability, not looking hack in regret, nor forward in despair, then I can attain a richer, fuller life. When I have peace within and freedom from despair, I show others what is possible and share my blessings with all.

8. Thought to meditate on: "Try looking through the eyes of another and see what you discover."

9. Practice the slogans: Easy Does It - don't knock myself off center fearing what probably isn't there. Let Go and Let God - I can't have everything to suit myself, but never fear, my Higher Power will help me cope. One Day at a Time - concentrate on just this moment and not on the fear of what might happen, but hasn't yet. First Things First - I can never gain the serenity I seek if I dissipate my strength in nameless fears. Live and Let Live - Life is too important to live in turmoils of fear and judgment. I can learn to live with confidence. Worth repeating again "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and there was no one there".

10. Principles above personalities. This is difficult when I allow myself to indulge in judging others. I needed to change those old ways of thinking. Desperation brought me to Al-Anon and I found a ray of hope. By practicing the principles of the program, I am coming out of the darkness and breathing free.

11. When I let go, I don't give up anything that belongs to me, but relinquish something I didn't own to begin with. By returning it to the proper hands, I obtain freedom.

12. Certainly not last in finding freedom is the fourth step. Nothing helps as much as a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, but I must go on and complete this inventory with step 5. I've taken the inventory, admitted to God, which is the easy part as I feel He knows me; and admitted it to myself. But now I must go further and admit the exact nature of my wrongs to another human being. This part is beneficial because the person I chose didn't allow me to beat up on myself repeatedly. Instead, he helped me to see the good qualities on which to build.

13. All the steps are vital to my new life of freedom: "When I know I am free within myself I will be better able to give loving thoughts to others."

14. If I remember that only God makes no mistakes, I can accept myself, my fellows, as human beings with much more happiness and contentment all around.

If you think you have a problem

This isn't meant to be a public service announcement although it may come across like that. I occasionally get emails from people who ask questions about recovery or ask me for my thoughts about a particular thing going on in their lives. I respond with what my experience has been. I can't give advice because I don't have answers for anyone else. Some days I don't have any for me either.

Yesterday I got a comment from a person who is concerned that she is an alcoholic. A lot of you who read this blog offered up hope. I really appreciate that. I am not qualified to share my experience to an alcoholic, other than to say that there is a wealth of information online. Most of the blog links listed on my sidebar will put a person in contact with those who have many years in recovery from alcoholism. Please read their blog and contact them because they understand as few others can what alcoholism is.

There are thousands of people who have been helped through Alcoholics Anonymous. Here is a link to a pamphlet called the AA Program of Recovery. There is much more information on the AA web site.

I know for myself that one of the best things that I ever did was to admit that I needed help because I had lived around alcoholics for all of my life. They didn't make me sick. I did that to myself by trying to control their drinking. So if you have a spouse, friend or relative who is alcoholic and you are troubled by their drinking, there is help for you through Al-Anon. Here is a link to determine whether Al-Anon is for you.

So if you think that you have a problem, either from drinking or from living around it, there is a solution. I hope that you will talk to someone in a recovery program. Going to an AA or Al-Anon meeting is an important step.