Courage to Change

I just returned home from the Al-Anon fall conference.  It was an inspiring event with excellent speakers for both Al-Anon and AA.  When I go to these conferences, I come away with rose-colored glasses firmly in place.  I feel peaceful and thankful for having a program of recovery.

In one of the workshops I attended, I heard how fortunate we are to be around others who are working on their recovery.  This re-affirmed that I do belong in the rooms of Al-Anon.  I also know that most of us who are there still have character defects that can arise again and again.  In the workshop about Courage to Change, we were asked to list those things that we could like to change about ourselves.  I wrote:

• I would like to change my lack of trust in others
• I would like to be less critical of myself
• I would like to lose my fear of rejection

These old feelings have been around for a while--probably most of my life.  My lack of trust in others is something that evolved over years of deception and emotional abuse.  While I have a much healthier outlook today, I am still wary around those who I sense can hurt me through their gossip, jealousy or dissatisfaction with life.  I still believe in my intuition about whom I trust. 

Being less critical of myself has been a lifelong pursuit.  I have had a lot of success in several pursuits in my life, and yet, I still doubt that I am worthy at times.  I make myself step out of my comfort zone, teach myself new skills, pursue new hobbies, and tell myself that is growth.  But it also can set me up for a feeling of failure.  I am getting to that age where I don't really have to prove anything, yet I keep pushing myself to do new things---maybe because of the third item on my list of things to change.....

My fear of rejection.  This is a theme through all of my life.  I have days when I don't feel it acutely.  I am good at covering it up.  And then there are days when it wants to sabotage everything that is good, pushing me to isolate and fulfill my fear.  These thoughts are deep seated.  I know that if I am accepting of myself and am spiritually fit, the fear goes away.  So I keep working on the Face Everything And Recover definition of FEAR, instead of the F#*k Everything and Run part. 

This is not meant to be a bummer of a post.  I am sharing where my head is today.  I am grateful, working on my attitude of gratitude, and glad to have many options for my recovery.  And it is a beautiful afternoon to get outside and enjoy the sunshine.  

That Moon

I am back from the sailing trip down south.  It was a good time for the most part. The trip down was uneventful on the ICW.  I've traveled that bit of waterway many times.  But the friendly waves of those who travel the blue highway is something that I like.  We look at each other and smile, knowing that we have a special bond.

That moon on Saturday night was spectacular.  I took a bit of video from the boat.  It was getting dark so the quality isn't great.  I had rowed back to my boat from  the host boat's party.  And I watched as that super moon rose in the sky.

I had a nice time at the party, although rowing against the tide to get to the host boat was something else.  I had hoped that those people who had motor powered dinghies would stop by and give me a lift.  But I could see that wasn't going to happen.

I had rowed our dog to shore which seemed like it was about a mile away, come back to the boat, caught my breath, and for a few minutes thought about not going to the party.  I was late and going to have to row against the tide again to get to the party.  The idea of isolating was strong.  What I heard was, "No one will miss you.  They are having a good time.  You are always the odd man out."
But what I did was discard the negative thoughts, got in the dinghy and rowed as hard as I could to get to the other boat.

A number of people were taking photos as I rowed over.  I tossed a fellow my painter line, clambered on board and had a great time.  A few folks commented that I was "hard core".   We talked about boats, super moons, and the places we have been.  I met some new folks who were super nice.  And when it was time to leave, several people asked if I needed a tow back to my boat.  I would be going with the strong tide, so declined their offer telling them to come get me though if I over shot my boat!

Yesterday,  I decided to sail back in the ocean.  The wind was favorable for it, until the cold front came through.  Then the wind shifted, the seas built, and it was tough going.  I came through the jetties into the harbor around 10:30 last night.  And as I was anchoring for the evening, I saw that moon again, rising red  on the horizon.

I was glad to be off the ocean.  After rowing the dog to shore, I cooked some snow crab legs, sat on deck, watching the moon rise and listening to the wind.  I had gotten in at the right time.  The tide was coming in, the wind was picking up, and I was dead tired.

This was another adventure.  My wife was glad to hear from me.  She knew that I was okay because she knows the boat is sturdy and capable.  I'm glad that I didn't miss out on seeing that moon shining on the water.  And I'm glad that those negative thoughts that come to me can be supplanted by a positive action.

Crippling so many of us

I woke up discombobulated this morning.  Bad dreams last night that left me feeling out of sorts: The old abandonment stuff that seems to recycle every few months, bubbling up from some part of the mind that has held onto yesterday's fears.

It takes a few moments to remember that none of the dreams are real.  And the fears, well, those don't have to be made real unless I allow that.  It's best for me to get up and get moving, rather than to lie there and let the mind reel.

All that abandonment stuff seems so real when it plays out in technicolor when I'm asleep.  Maybe it is there with me even when I'm awake, just lurking beneath the surface, ready to come out and wipe away peace of mind.

Once traumatized, do we ever really rid ourselves of the feelings and images that have held such power in the past?  Maybe the point is to not have to rid ourselves of anything but to simply acknowledge the feelings, check the barometer of life on this day, and make a decision on how to proceed.  I found the following from the psychologist, Carl Rogers, to be interesting:

"I sometimes fantasy about what it would mean if a child....never had to disown his feelings in order to be loved. Suppose his parents were free to have and express their own unique feelings, which often would be different from his, and often different between themselves. I like to think of all the meanings that such an experience would have. It would mean that the child would grow up respecting himself as a unique person. It would mean that even when his behavior had to be thwarted, he could retain open "ownership" of his feelings. It would mean that his behavior would be a realistic balance, taking into account his own feelings and the known and open feelings of others. He would, I believe, be a responsible and self-directing individual, who would never need to conceal his feelings from himself, who would never need to live behind a facade. He would be relatively free of the maladjustments which cripple so many of us." ~ Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person


I suppose it's easy enough to be crippled by what happened in childhood, what our parents did to us, what others did or said that made us feel less than or fearful.  So many people are wounded today.  That wounding comes from all manner of things--loved ones, jobs, the economy, life.  But it doesn't seem to be so easy to be whole again. Or is it?

It seems easier to blame others for unhappiness.  Or perhaps to find fault with others rather than looking inward at myself.  I like what Rogers describes as ways to live a "good life".  It makes a lot of sense to me.

1. A growing openness to experience – move away from defensiveness and have no need for unconsciously applying strategies to prevent something troubling from entering the consciousness.
2. An increasingly existential lifestyle – living each moment fully – not distorting the moment to fit personality or self concept but allowing personality and self concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust.
3. Increasing trust – Trusting my own judgment and ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment.  Not relying on existing social norms but trust that by being open to experiences, I will be able to trust my own sense of right and wrong.
4. Freedom of choice – not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual (= a false individual in pursuit of personal regard), I am able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. Believing that I play a role in determining my own behavior and so feel responsible for my own behavior.
5. Creativity – feel more free to be creative without feeling a need to conform.
6. Reliability and constructiveness – Acting constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in authentic people. 
7. A rich full life – he describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. 

Here is Rogers' description of the good life:

This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life.

I like the idea of launching myself fully into the stream of life: the good, the bad, the perceived, the real, the imagined, the ugly, the beauty, the wonder and the joy.  Let's do it. 

The forgotten

I was listening to music this morning as I cooked breakfast. John Prine's "Hello in There" was playing. It's about an old couple who are lonely and basically forgotten. For me, it is an incredibly sad song:

"Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more,
She sits and stares through the back door screen.
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.

Someday I'll go and call up Rudy,
We worked together at the factory.
But what could I say if asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."

Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."

Th thought of being old and alone has haunted me for a long time. I know somehow that is what will happen. It will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. And it makes me sad.

Maybe that is why I am so glad to talk to old people and not pass them by. I went by an adult day care the other day and the folks there were happy to chat and share some stories. So many old people are left in nursing homes. They desperately want someone to notice them and to take time to say "Hello".

My parents-in-law will not be among the forgotten. The live-in couple are there. All seems to be going well. I am relieved. My wife is cautiously optimistic. If they can get past the political opinions of my father-in-law, the situation may work.

I know that if we are lucky enough, we will live to be old. Medical technology helps us to live longer. How we live and what we have to look forward to is largely up to us. I cannot think about being alone in the future. Today, I can give a smile and a kind word to those who desperately need it. No one need be forgotten.

Flowing

There is guidance for each of us and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word. Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday was a rough day.  I went to the hospital to visit.  C. was tired and irritable.  There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep.  I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me.  I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.

A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged.  Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well.  She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk.  Getting out of the hospital will be good for her.  I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?

At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through.  I really have nothing to fear.  A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.

Today I want to be like flowing water.  I want to go with the current and not fight it.  I want to flow around the disruptions and not let them impede me.  I see this process as acceptance, letting go of resistance, and shedding the illusion of control.  I need to get over my own fears of not being enough.  If I go with the flow, then I will be as close as possible to the channel in which my life flows.  All will be as it is intended.

healthy boundaries

The topic in today's meeting was boundaries.  This is a good topic for me because I didn't learn what boundaries were until I came to Al-Anon.  I had boundaries with my work and professional life,  but in relationships, I didn't have a clue.

My lack of boundaries was evident from the amount of time and emotional energy I put into relationships. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy, yet reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.  So I would keep pushing, hoping to make what I wanted to happen come true. My motivation was fairly simple:  I was terrified of being rejected and abandoned.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.

One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if boundaries are established. 

Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.

Fears

This is the second part of a workshop. This one is on fears which happens to be a big one for me, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are some suggestions for dealing with fear:

1. I find that I've dealt with my fear of abandonment and rejection by talking to my sponsor; going to meetings and working with newcomers; and by remembering that this is a spiritual program. I can get through a lot with God's help and by praying to follow His will.

2. When full of fears and doubts, I find that the Serenity Prayer and slogans are a big help. The Serenity Prayer can be my mantra and eases my obsessing thinking. "Easy Does It" is a great slogan that tells me to slow down, to not expect too much, to take time to reflect on the ideas, aims, and goals of the program. I also like "How Important Is It?" which tells me to stop obsessing over the little things.

3. I have reaped what I have sown in so many ways. I started out life with hope, faith, and confidence. Gradually, the insidious doubt, fear, and despair crept in. I now have the right stuff from the Twelve Steps to ask for help from my Higher Power and from others. I know how to dispel fear and stay spiritually and emotionally fit.

4. My ability to fight fear may be one day at a time or sometimes, hour by hour. I have learned to sort out my worst fears and face them squarely. By facing them, I discover that I have already lived through most of them. Worry only seems to enlarge them.

5. All fears can be vanquished by vigilant effort. Life without fear is a heavenly blessing and the whole world is a different place when I have peace of mind. I can have freedom from fear if I choose to follow the program as it gradually unfolds, practice the steps more honestly and make a decision to trust in my Higher Power. Because I am only human, I will falter and the fear will return, but courage to try again and faith in my Higher Power will conquer these fears.

6. Learn to relax. Learn to listen. and Learn to laugh. Put these into daily practice and many of my fears will flee.

7. My fears are mostly unfounded and magnified. I have the courage to face it, sort it out and acknowledge it and if it is the worst, I am at the bottom the only way to go is up.

8. Faith helps me to face up to my distrust, my defects and my reality. If I close myself off from faith, then the fears take hold. "Fear knocked at the door. There was no one there."

9. If I tell my fears by sharing my story, I am exposing them. I have learned to laugh at many things that once made me cry. If I share my experience, strength and hope and am generous with my past, I am helping others. I won't let pride, fear or shyness hold me back. If I give away what I have then I will be better for it.

10. The worst thing about fear is that each time I allow myself to become prey to it, it makes it easier to succumb a second or third time until fear becomes entrenched. The solution is to face it, analyze it, and pursue it until I determine the worst that could happen. I find that working with my sponsor is helpful. I have confidence in him and know that he he has faced many fears as well. Once I face the fear and pursue it to the end, I can go onward. Each time I do this, courage will replace the nameless fears.

11. When my calmness and serenity is broken by getting emotionally upset, I need to talk to someone in the program and talk it out. If I can stay calm and reach out, I will recover quicker. A quiet time alone with my Higher Power will often bring back my serenity. It will bring me the calm needed to make rational decisions.

It is up to me to think through my problems and find a solution that I can accept. It does me no good to panic or to obsess on something over and over. I have found that protesting a solution isn't productive. I need to hunt for the solution because there is one if I look hard enough. Sometimes, the solution is that I have to accept something I can't change. That isn't easy. It takes time and practice and courage.

My rejection saga

To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball.
--Janis Ian

I've been writing about a lot of non-recovery fun stuff for the past couple of days. So today I decided to get back to the "heavy" stuff, even though my heart is light on this rainy day.

Heather actually asked me to write about rejection and abandonment from my experience. So that's what I'm blogging on today.

This may be a bit long because rejection is an early issue for me. It started probably as something innocuous. But then it grew, became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and took on a life of its own.

I don't know the age when I started to feel rejection but possibly it happened very early. I remember scoldings from my father. I remember being singled out by a teacher to stand in front of the entire lunchroom in second grade. I remember other school yard rejections. And I remember being dumped by my first love.

These are all pretty normal things though. What I didn't understand is how deeply these things affected me. I've done some reading about fear of abandonment and rejection because these fears form my main character defect.

Evidently, if someone has a few traumatic rejections, then every time their needs aren't met, they may filter feelings through the lens of rejection. That is what I do. Whenever I am in a situation that suggests abandonment or rejection, I start thinking that the worst is going to happen. And surprisingly, it usually does because I drive people away from me.

I have done this in several ways. Probably my favorite is to look to others to validate how lovable I am. Another is to panic and let the fear of rejection smother any love that I had. I've also rejected others first (before they dumped me). So in many ways, I actually created a situation in which what I fear most (rejection) will happen.

So I have tended to fall in love with women who are unavailable emotionally, or who are unreliable with their emotions and aren't capable of loving me the way that I wanted. This is probably why so many of us codies are in relationships with alcoholics.

And I know that these were not random choices for me but a decision at some level to have a relationship with someone who was also feeling lonely, rejected, unaccepted, unappreciated or insecure. In short, I fell in love with my mirror image.

My wife was a party girl. She was about as emotionally slippery as an eel. She could be powerfully passive though and that was the emotional hook for me. For much of our relationship, I never knew what to expect. So I lived in a state of anxiety and fear. I know that I didn't cause the drinking, but I have wondered why she stuck with me when I was such a pain in the ass. Now I know that we were like two magnets drawn to each other.

So the hard part of accepting this about myself has been to acknowledge that if I don't do something about this fear (my no. 1 defect), I'll continue to be drawn to people who will reject and abandon me over and over.

I have learned that others don't define me, I do. I've learned that no one else gets to determine whether I am lovable. Only I do that. I've learned that I have to fill the void within me that wants to believe that I'm not worthy of love. I've learned to make a list of affirmations about myself. I've learned to do things that make me happy and that meet my needs. I've learned to ask for what I need in a healthy way and not in a "hostage taking" way. And I've learned to make amends to those who I harmed through my messed up behavior.

When I consider that my father, my mother, my wife, and my friends have all experienced rejections of their own, I have compassion. I begin to see the truth: that we are each insecure, frightened and unsure at times. And the biggest truth of all is that the God of my understanding loves each of us, no matter how imperfect we are.

Taking Care of Myself

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It's a perpetual wound.

--Maureen Duffy

Thanks for the comments you made on yesterday's post. I realize what a great moment it was for me to realize (and get) how much the fear character defect has affected my life. And at the same time, to realize how important it is for me to be spiritually fit in order to work through the fear.

I know that fear of rejection is something that hangs like a shadow in the background of my psyche. It is lonely to live with an alcoholic. For so many years, there was no point in counting on being able to do something together, or to even have "togetherness". It was just plain lonely to not have someone to share things with. And being lonely, as a kid and as an adult, can contribute to having an unmanageable life with a host of character defects.

So part of my growth in Al-Anon is to to know who I am and what I need to do. And knowing who I am means that I have an understanding of the power of those character defects that have been ingrained in me for so long. It takes time to be worthy of self-love. And to realize that instead of rejection, I can look at the flip-side which is acceptance. I don't have to play "hot potato" with the fear, but acknowledge it and realize that it's part of an old tape that occasionally will play in my head.

"We live in one another's company. We grow to yearn for one another's company at a deeper level. The yearning reciprocated, opens the way to a love relationship, a relationship both blessed and torn by intimacies.

It's human to long for love, to want to shower it and receive it. But the pain of waiting for it doesn't match the pain that accompanies its arrival. Love heightens our sensitivities. Any separations, any discrepancies, physical or emotional, wound the partners in love. The pain that accompanies never having something is less than the pain of projected loss after its arrival.

Love should bring only happiness, we mistakenly think. But love, giving it and receiving it, beckons us to bare our souls, to expose our hidden selves. The fear of rejection, the anxiety that we'll be rejected "when they know the real me" is large and looms over our shoulders.

How lucky we are to have this program, these Steps, which if practiced in all our affairs will prepare us for love and loving. They will help us to live with the pain of love, knowing that it increases our humanity - that it deepens our awarenesses and thus, heightens our appreciation of all of life." From Each Day a New Beginning

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Note: I'm trying the hosting on chat over at The Second Road again on Sunday. Hopefully, there won't be glitches this time. So stop by around 8 PM and let's talk about whatever comes up. The topic is open.

The Veil of Rejection

I had one of those strange revelations of mind and spirit this morning. I've been ruminating on another break in anonymity that occurred yesterday. Maybe I'll post about it at some point but suffice to say that it's happened twice now by the same person. I'm not happy about it. I'm going to talk to the person who not only broke my anonymity but my wife's and explain as plainly as I can why this isn't a good thing.

With that rolling around in my head last night, I woke up in an out of sorts mood. I wasn't angry as much as feeling low down. It's being F. I. N.E. at it's best--and I'm talking about the F#*ked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional form of F.I.N.E. Old behaviors resurfacing and thoughts projecting all over the place.

I was in the shower when it hit me: I interpret everything through the veil of rejection. And when that revelation went into my head, I rested my forehead against the shower stall and wept. I knew that I had issues with rejection from my Step Four inventory, Step Five, and Step Six. Yet for some reason, the depth of these feelings of rejection and how I've interpreted everything through that lens had never become so clear as this morning. It was overwhelming to admit.

I know that I don't handle situations well that leave me feeling vulnerable and unworthy. I have been lugging around remembrances of rejection for every year that I've lived. I've gone over these old wounds and thought that I had put enough Al-Anon salve on them that they were healed. I don't dwell on the past much and the incidences of rejection aren't something that I stay stuck on. But obviously they still have the power to stop me cold and bring me down.

As I'm writing this I've found that just the realization of this truth about myself makes me feel better. I think God whispered in my ear this morning when the realization hit of how my feelings of rejection have colored my life. God was saying, "It's okay. I know this pain. Let it go. Move forward. Life is a rocky road, but I'm here beside you. "

And in sharing these feelings, they don't seem to have as much power over me. I realize that rejection is an experience, and that I can shift my focus from blaming myself or others to acceptance and realization of my own positive attributes.

I know that I'll get the feelings of rejection again. But I think that the moment of truth that I had this morning helped me to understand that I can own those feelings, let them flow through me, and then realize that I have a choice of whether I'm going to believe the feelings or let them go and move on.