A typical Saturday

A typical Saturday here.  Up fairly early to take the dogs for a walk, check on the weather (hot and humid), have a cup of coffee and a protein shake. Run some thoughts past my SO, telling her about some news on line and getting her thoughts. She remains my touchstone on most of what is important in life.

Taking my time this morning to get to the barn.  It has been oppressively hot with both my horse and me soaking wet after our ride yesterday.  I am going to the barn in a few minutes but am getting a late start today.  Still being lazy on a Saturday it seems.

The local regatta is this weekend.  Lots of people on the water, drinking and carrying on.  I have managed to miss this for the last 20 years.  I think I will get by with missing it again this year.

Later this evening I plan to go for a jog down the long dirt road.  Yesterday,  I waited until nearly nightfall to go for my two mile jog.  I count as I move along the dirt lane. It's an old habit and keeps me in step. Meanwhile, I look at the fire flies (still think of them as lightening bugs) who flash luciferase and increase in numbers as the night comes on.  I heard  something large moving in the forest. Probably a deer and not some predatory animal out to get me.  I carry a small flashlight to watch for snakes when I get to the darkest part of the wooded lane.

I am thinking this morning about more polarizing issues that have come to the surface, inviting us to choose a side. The lion *or* the people murdered in Chattanooga. The woman *or* the unborn child.  I believe that these are false choices. Can we not care about animal abuse *and* people murdered in service of our country, about the unborn child *and* the woman who feels backed into a corner by terrifying circumstances? And can we engage in respectful conversation with those who see things differently? These are serious issues that deserve more than a meme or a smug pronouncement.

My last meeting with the unity group exemplified the problem that not only exists between people of color and whites, but the absolute intolerance of those who think differently from us.  A woman came to the group who is a conservative.  A conversation on the Brady bill lead to several others in the group interrupting her and essentially shutting her down by telling her how wrong she was in her ideas about second amendment rights. It was rude to see how she was treated.  I spoke up, asking those who were most vehement to please let her talk.

Maybe our problem is that we have lost the ability to listen to each other because we are so entrenched in our own rightness?  I spoke with her afterwards and she said that she would come back if I were there.  Another woman I know has quit the group because she felt uncomfortable about being asked to let another talk without interruption.  I am reminded again and again that those of us who are working a program of introspection in recovery seem to be aware and accepting. It is still difficult to be out there among those who are not. Whatever...I doubt we will solve any problems but the view and the lunches are good.

And then there are the boys lost at sea off Florida.  What a sad thing.  I knew that they were gone as soon as the boat was found without them.  The ocean is a tough place.  How do you live with such a loss? No closure really. Tragically gone.

Well, I am going to get into my boots and head to the barn.  Nothing like horse smell to make me happy.

Hope that your Saturday is going well.

Keeping the focus on myself

I have had some good meetings lately with one of the fellows I sponsor.  He is learning how to get his life back after spending years focusing on his son who is an alcoholic and addict. I think that learning to focus on what I am doing and not on the alcoholic was a major turning point for me in my own journey of recovery.

I was told many years ago by a psychiatrist to focus on me and not on my wife. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. It sounded selfish to focus on me, and I didn't understand how to put it into practice so I ignored the idea. Then, in Al-Anon, it finally came together for me. I understood that I didn't have much of a life because I was focusing every molecule of effort and attention on my wife.

It took me a while to see that focusing on me wasn't selfish. Instead,  it was about my being my own person and my chance at getting my life back. If I don't focus on me, then I too easily lose myself in others. I make them my HP. I also will not address what bothers me or my character defects if I put the focus on someone else.

Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years, but I have to say that since being in recovery, both of us have come to love each other more than ever. And I am not the angry, resentful, fearful and sad person that I used to be. By taking my own inventory--looking at what my part is--I learned that I was filled with resentment and fear. Now I inventory what I am feeling daily. It is second nature to look at my part. And then I can take appropriate actions to remedy what I have done.

One of the things that the fellow I sponsor is trying to do is have fun.  He has had a lot of trouble extricating himself from the drama surrounding his alcoholic son.  He actually has a hard time thinking of anything positive about himself and can't seem to grasp the concept of doing something fun for himself.

I remember so well that when I was stuck in my misery before recovery that I hated for anyone to ask me what I did for fun.  I would hesitate, feel uncomfortable and generally answer by saying that I liked cycling, running, reading, photography, and gardening. But mostly, I liked to work. The other things that I did were my way of escaping from home and work.  I think some of my happiest times were actually when I was at sea on research vessels and away from home and the lab. 

It feels good today to be able to answer enthusiastically about the things that I like to do.  I finally found more balance in my life where the focus is on what I want to do and not what I have to do.

I am focusing on me when I take time in the morning to have coffee sitting out in the yard and relax instead of going through a mental checklist of what I must get done.  I am focusing on me when I decline to be on boards and committees out of a sense of obligation.  I am focusing on me when I go on the boat for a few days to smell the ocean and listen to the waves and wind. I am focusing on me when I can go to the barn and brush the horses, listening to them breathe or eat hay. 

I know now that my wife and I are individuals and not bound to spend every waking moment together.  We worked together in graduate school and at the same laboratory. We love each other a lot.  But I know that I am not responsible for her happiness.  It's not up to me to solve every problem that she has or to tell her what to do.  

So, if you are thinking that you don't have much of a life because of alcoholism being so prevalent in it, maybe it's time to focus on creating your own bliss and focusing on what you want to do.  Don't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic/addict to come around. They either will or they won't. What matters is that each day can be special for you, if you choose to make it so.

Contentment

It has been one of those rare days in late spring when the humidity is low and the temperature cool. I can't remember when it has been this pleasant so late into May. 

I spent most of the day on the boat. I did some walking this afternoon, going to a spot to photograph some wild flowers. 

I have no resentment or anger today. All that was in me seemed to evaporate after writing about what I was feeling, looking at my part, and reading your comments. 

I continue to do a fourth step inventory on those resentments that come up on occasion. I look at what I am feeling and what's my part in keeping the resentment going.  Usually, it comes down to fear--of the unknown, of being rejected, of not being good enough. I hear my father's voice telling me to stand up for myself, which I equated to mean don't let others take advantage of you. 

Today is just contentment. In reviewing the day, I haven't had anything happen to interrupt my peace of mind. It was a good idea to be on the boat which is truly my sanctuary.

    

Now about sex

I don't think anything strikes more fear in the heart of those in recovery than the fourth step inventory.  In addition to the Al-Anon book Blueprint for Progress,  I also ask those I sponsor to do the AA inventory.  We write down an inventory on resentment, fear, and sexual conduct.

One of the most difficult parts of this was the sex inventory.  This isn't a topic that gets discussed much in meetings.  But it is something that needs to be discussed with a sponsor and would make for a lively discussion in a meeting. When it came to the sex inventory,  the first one I did was about all the women that I had ever had sexual relations with.  I started from the first and went through them chronologically.  I misunderstood the intent and wrote down all the details of what happened.

What I have since figured out is the sex inventory is really a relationship inventory.  It's not about putting down all the moves.  Rather it's about what my motives were:  Selfish desires,  manipulation, lust,  lies,  attempts at control, and using another.  By looking at the reasons for sex and not what was done, I was able to see a pattern of where I had been selfish, prideful and hurtful.  The sex inventory is an honest look at my attitude and actions - to put the truth down on paper and review it.

Sex is treated like any other problem.  Aside from basic biological urges,  it's not right to use sex as a means to stave off lonely feelings or to solve other problems.  I didn't get into relationships to get someone to solve financial problems, but I did have relationships hoping to find someone to chase away the feeling of not being loved.

Sexual conduct to me refers to how I treat people in an intimate relationship. Where am I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful, inconsiderate, too controlling, or too willing to accept unacceptable behavior?  Do I consider the feelings of others or just what I want?

Relationships are not one-sided.  There is give and take, compromise.  But having an intimate relationship that revolves around power and control is not healthy. Someone will be hurt emotionally.  One of the fellows I sponsor said that women give sex looking for love, and men give love looking for sex.  That's sounds like a sad commentary on having a relationship.

I think that most of us in recovery suffer from skin hunger--we want to be held, hugged, embraced, and feel close to others.  Just holding hands is one of the most sensual things.  I've learned to be a romantic and appreciate sex that is based on love.  Two bodies using each other seems pretty empty.

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

Divergent paths

This has been a long, tiring day.  I spent most of the day doing some volunteer work for a non-profit organization to which I belong.  This morning one of the members became so angry that she hung up on me when I asked her for some information.  I believe she must have been having a bad day.

I joined this group because it offered some good courses for sailing and boating.  After the phone call this morning,  I realized once again that I am lucky to have a program of recovery.  I am choosing to complete my assigned task for the group and the course that I am taking.  I am not blaming the organization or the person. I find that for some reason though, getting involved with clubs and civic groups seems to be fertile ground for resentments and power struggles.  I am not vested in either.

I met with a couple of fellows I sponsor this morning.  One is struggling to communicate with a wife who is depressed and not wanting to talk.  Communication is difficult when a person doesn't want to hear what another has to say.  It's as if we are talking in different languages.  One person pulls away, and the other advances in an attempt to force intimacy.  These two people may be on a divergent path at the moment.  Hopefully, there is enough love to be able to connect once again in a meaningful way.

I am going to inventory this day and then hope for a better one tomorrow.  At least getting some sleep seems to put an entirely new perspective on most everything.  I suspect that it is time to put away the computer and enjoy the chilly night ahead.

Loving me

The meeting last night was good, but I have to say that it brought up some issues from my past. The topic was how to love yourself. There were a lot of people sharing about how they never had any time to love themselves or take care of themselves because they were always taking care of others. There were some people who mentioned having no money with which to take care of themselves. Someone shared that she didn't know what it meant to love herself, and if someone would just give her a set of instructions, she could follow that and understand what to do.

My thoughts were that to all outward appearances, I had taken good care of myself. I had projects, a good career, hobbies, and lots of activities that I enjoy. However, I also thought that a lot of my activities in the past were related to a need to validate myself through my accomplishments in order to get approval by others. My relationships were also those in which I molded myself to what others wanted me to be (the chameleon syndrome).  I don't really think that I knew much about myself or what I wanted.  I wasn't kind to myself but endured.  That isn't love.

Now I think that through my program, I've learned that I'm a pretty neat person and that I can enjoy being who I am. I'm also learning that criticism and angry outbursts from those that I love may have nothing to do with me. By taking my own inventory and asking whether I did anything to bring on an angry outburst, I can determine whether I need to offer an apology or just keep quiet ("Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut"). What I'm finding is that I don't alway have a role to play in someone else's script. It's their issue and not mine that brings forth anger most of the time. I'm now willing to own something that I do have a part in, but no longer will I try to smooth things over when I'm not even a bit player.

I'm glad that I have this program. I have discovered that love is all around me. And that love is coming from within. I'm thankful for my meetings and the thoughts that all of you express as you progress with your own program.

Cunning, baffling and powerful

There are some days that I wake up and feel a lot of joy.  That's probably most of the time.  Then there are those days that I wake up and feel sorry for myself, feel frustrated, or sad. Today I am leaning towards frustration and anger.  I am frustrated and angry at alcoholism.

In Al-Anon, we say that we love the person but hate the disease.  Today I'm hating the disease.  I realize that no matter how much I would like to undo my wife's alcoholism, she will always be an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do to change that.  The leopard was born with spots and will still have those spots until death. 

I hate that alcoholism is a unique disease that tells a person they don't have a disease at all, they don't need help and that just one drink won't make their life unmanagable.  The alcoholic's mental obsession with alcohol is subtle. Even after the sobriety comes,  the manifestations of alcoholism can still be present.  Yet, from reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcoholism “is an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” And in “The Doctor’s Opinion” introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous,  Dr. Silkworth writes that: ". . . the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It does not satisfy us to be told that we cannot control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

I see my sweet C. as she bakes cookies, does her gardening, smiles at me as we get into bed, snuggles against me.  I see this and want her to be "normal"-- whatever the hell that is.  And my adverse reaction to the disease made me fearful, obsessed, controlling and resentful.  I was exhibiting all the effects of alcoholism without taking a single drink!

I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots".  And I have to focus on taking care of what needs to be done to keep me in a good place emotionally and spiritually.  I have recovered my balance, mind, body and spirit by focusing on my own recovery in Al-Anon.  And just writing this out today has gotten me to a better place.

Photos and other things on Tuesday

  

I'm posting some photos from the oyster roast that I went to on Sunday.  

This is the plantation house on whose grounds the festival was held. You may recognize it from Gone With the Wind. 

 
Here is where the massive oyster cooking occurs.

 

She was one of the contestants in the oyster eating contest. She didn't win. 

  

All the shells get recycled to be used as new habitat for oysters,

  The shucked product ready to eat.

And there was even some elephant ears (guess who is eating this one?) and other great food for those who didn't want oysters. The local Restaurant Association prepares a lot of good stuff for this event.

This year there were about 11, 000 people at the festival.   And the proceeds go to help a number of local charities.  That's a really good thing.

I was still tired from the weekend. So after the conference, I went home which is located on an island next to the one where the conference was held.  I slept for 9 hours which was luxurious.  Today I feel much more rested. 

Tonight I'm going to a meeting and having dinner with a sponsee before the meeting.  We will continue our discussion on Step Four.  This step takes some time in Al-Anon.  He is working through the Step Four work book Blueprint for Progress. I can remember his fear when someone told him at a meeting that "It is too hard to write all that stuff down. These questions bring up things from the past that are just too painful." 

I assured him that it wasn't bad.  And that this inventory is for those of us who are entirely willing. The painful parts of the past are in our heads anyway, whether we write them down or not.  Writing out the answers to the questions is not meant to be a new Stephen King novel but will reveal those things which are already known to us.  This is a “fact-finding and fact-facing process.” (BB p64).

I found that this step helped me to unlock the memories that I wanted to forget.  By letting those old memories see the light of day, I saw that there was a new way to deal with things--without fear and without having to repeat the past.

In the book, Courage to Change,  there is a reference to Step 4 and self-esteem. Any resistance that I may have about this step (or any other) may be something that I need to examine.  I am thankful that my sponsees have been willing and courageous to move forward with this step.  It is not a novel that we are writing.  It is the truth about ourselves. 

Leaps and Boundaries

I have been told that I don't respect boundaries whether they are mine or another's. That may be true. I have had a tendency to become enmeshed in another person's life where I feel what they feel, do what they do. When that happens I lose myself which leaves me with weak or no boundaries.

By having weak boundaries, I would morph into being what someone else wanted me to be. This is really a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. It's not possible to be intimate with a person who can't express feelings, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can't be honest about those feelings. I think that this behavior was a way by which I learned to survive.

I didn't know what a boundary was until Al-Anon. And once in Al-anon, I mistakenly thought setting a boundary was something I had to do to someone else. What I now understand is the only person I can really set a boundary with is myself.

For instance, I can't set a boundary in which I tell another what they can't say or do. I cannot tape their mouths shut or tie their hands. But I can learn to say no when I want to say no.

I didn't have "No" as a boundary for such a long time. It was difficult for me when I was younger to say no to those who asked something of me. I would either go along with what was wanted, lie about why I couldn't do it, or just avoid the issue altogether. None of these responses worked because I felt resentment, anger and guilt. Even if I did manage to convey a "no", it was always given with a long-winded attempt to soften the blow. I have since learned that "No" is a complete sentence.

Another problem I've had with boundaries is to not believe it when another told me "No". I would do what I could to convince them to change their mind, to do what I wanted them to do. That was what I would do with my parents as a child, and that childlike behavior carried through into adulthood.

That's why boundaries can be tricky. I have to look at my motive for setting one: am I doing it for my good, or to try to make someone else do something I think is good for them? Am I trying to change them or to punish them? I don't think these are good reasons to set boundaries.

I've found that my boundaries tend to be flexible. I don't like to establish a wall. I also don't want to constantly drop boundaries so that they are never in place. I read that a good boundary could be thought of as a being like a drawbridge that I can pull up when I need to do so.

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome

2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.

3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.

4. Enforce boundaries consistently.

5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :

Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.

Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over

Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.

Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

This is an honest program

All the talk on news shows about racism has made me examine my own thoughts on the subject. I have always considered myself to be open minded and yes...liberal in my ideas. I like to think that I don't judge people and have great compassion for others.

But this is an honest program. And in doing an inventory of myself last night, I realize that there are some elements of racism within myself. And that I do have some judgmental thoughts. These are not thoughts of hatred or dislike but thoughts that come up almost as a reflex when I see an interracial couple, or young men with baggy pants hanging out on street corners. These same thoughts of judgment come up when I see a morbidly obese person. And yes, when I see two men kissing there is a bit of feeling uncomfortable. I don't like this about myself. So I decided to look deeper at some of the reasons.

I suppose the overriding factor is that I have been exposed to the stereotyping of others. I grew up in the South where there were lots of racial tensions. I believe that the element of fearing those who are different from me and viewing them in a "less than" way was something that I heard a lot about on TV, in schools, and even in the church. It's almost as if there is a hypocritical thought process that occurs--yes, you are my equal but only up to a point.

The south that I grew up in and inhabit today continues to hold up white America and its cultural values as the right, good, and ideal. I hear it all around me, not overtly, but with insidious overtones. I think that being self-righteous is dangerous. It is designed to create discontent and can lead to making people feel that they are "less than". I know because I have felt "less than" over many years. And that is why I developed an attitude of self-hatred as well.

Thankfully, I know in my mind and heart that no race is superior to another because superiority amongst any race, culture, gender, class or even individual doesn't exist. We are all God's children and we are one species Homo sapiens. But there are differences in culture, religion, artistic expression, and a host of other attributes that make us who we are. I find that when I accept the differences, embrace them, and am in awe of them my judgments disappear.

Just as I don't sit around and contemplate whether the oak is more beautiful than the maple or the lion more powerful than the tiger, I realize that there is much good that comes from having diversity in nature and in our cultures. I don't fear diversity in nature, in fact I find it fascinating. I realize that the differences amongst us humans teach me much more than if we all had the same thoughts, ideals, intellect, and culture.

So my self-realization and inventory showed me that I need to continue to work on accepting and not judging. I do know that if I let fear, ignorance and hate separate me from others, I am not practicing the principles of the program in my life. It is only by embracing others with open mindedness that I'll be able to garner the appreciation, respect, and awe for not only the differences that exist among us but also for the uniqueness that exists in myself.

Fourth step meeting

We had a great meeting on Step Four last night at my home group. We discussed these points about this step:

• In approaching Step 4 after working Steps 1, 2, and 3, I am not able to look inside myself and make a list of things that I find positive and wonderful about myself.
• In approaching Step 4, I am now able to look inside myself and make a list of negative things that I have thought about myself.
• I am now able to look inside myself and see the things that I have done that have hurt others, no matter how small the incident.
• I am now willing to be honest about my attitude--whenever negative thoughts trigger resentments within my spirit.
• I am now able to see the things I have done that have caused other grief, even though it may have been only a small part.
  
• I am willing to write down a list of positive things about myself.
• I am now willing to be honest and list my shortcomings and character defects.
• I am now willing to make a simple list of things about myself that I consider good and not so good.
• I am willing to acknowledge that working this step will set me free from the obsession of having made bad choices or errors in judgment.
• I can now acknowledge that this inventory is merely a list of things about myself and that I can talk honestly about them and put them behind me as part of my past.
  

I learned from doing my Step Four that I was really hard on myself. I know that I need to be gentle with myself now. My defects ran my life, but by facing my fears and resentments, they seemed to loosen their hold on me. I recognize my defects and can work on them.

I needed this meeting last night. I had been feeling anxious yesterday. I heard one of the members share last night that her life is filled with contentment and peace. I wasn't filled with that last night and acknowledged my feelings. It felt good to talk about my fears.

And like a miracle, this morning I felt relieved of my anxiety. Maybe it was sharing about what was bothering me. Maybe it was getting the rest that I needed last night. Maybe it was the prayer that I said before sleeping. I'm just grateful to be in a better place today.

The day after

Well, as my father used to say, "Christmas is as far away as it will ever be". This was his comment for the day after Christmas. Today does have that "day after" feeling about it.

Christmas Day itself was a day filled with some ups and downs. The early morning of Christmas Day started with watching the Christmas mass from St. Peter's basilica. I'm not Catholic but the beauty of that mass, the little children from around the world, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus is the best way to start Christmas day.

Later in the morning, we took three cakes to the AA clubhouse where my wife attends meeting. I met some of the people that she knows. And there was a fellow sitting with his own thoughts. I heard him say that his family was driving him crazy, and it was a choice of going to a bar or coming to AA. He said that he already felt better after 20 minutes at the clubhouse.

For some reason, I found being there sad. It is a sort of dilapidated place in a rough neighborhood. There wasn't a tablecloth to put on the table. My wife commented that next year, we would bring red paper tablecloths, and a couple of poinsettias to make it more festive. But I think that the man who looked so despondent made me the saddest. Before my "let's fix him" thoughts got going, I realized that he isn't in a bar. He's where he needs to be. And he is among people who understand and will help because of that.

After getting back from AA, we finished up cooking. There was enough food for an army, even though we didn't make large portions. My wife's parents came over. They are in their upper 80's and have noticeably slowed down. Her dad enjoys sitting in a chair and reading the paper. Her mother has difficulty relaxing even at this age in life. I won't take her inventory but suffice to say that she is best taken in small doses.

We opened presents and had a nice meal. I was aware of the two empty chairs at the dining room table. My mother used to sit in one and my wife's aunt in the other. Once again, I thought that I want to have a house full of people who can share all the food that we prepare.

But then, I found that by the late afternoon of yesterday I'd had enough of people for a while, so I went for a ride in new Blue. It was a beautiful day with warm temperatures so it was nice to just drive.

Later, I visited some friends and watched a short movie that they are producing. One fellow is an actor and quite a good one. We had a lot of laughs over his role in the movie.

It was nice to come back to a quiet house, sit with my wife, and just reflect on the kaleidoscope that was Christmas Day.

Inventorying myself

Thanks to all for your comments regarding getting out of the doldrums with regard to meetings and service work. This is a great group of people who step up to share their thoughts. I greatly appreciate what you have to say.

I shared last night at my home group meeting that I have begun to feel as if I am taking on more and more service work with Al-Anon. And the feeling that I get is similar to those pre-program years when I took on more and more things at work and at home, only to feel trapped and resentful that I had taken on too much.

I inventoried what was going on and find that I'm not wanting to take on anything else. In fact, I'm wanting to rotate out of service on chairing the Beginner's meeting that I've been doing for three months. I'll still go to my meetings and be the GR for my home group, but I am going to ask that someone else take over with the beginner's starting in January. On that night, I have 2 hours of Al-Anon and don't get home until nearly 10 PM. I just need a break and more flexibility with my time.

I've found that service work is a great thing. Maybe some of it at first was ego based. I've always been one to step up out of a feeling of responsibility, especially when no one else volunteers. But a lot of why I have done service work is to give back to the program what has been so freely given to me. And I appreciate that there were people at the meetings when I was new that took the time to share their experience, strength, and hope which was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. And I have gotten a lot from working with the newcomers who keep coming back.

So maybe it's time for me to step back, go to meetings, listen to the sharing of others, absorb and think about how the topic relates to my life and situation. Last night's home group meeting was a good example: the topic was on the Al-Anon "Bill of Rights". These were excerpted from the ODAT for January 13.

• I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences.
• I am entitled to life without fear, uncertainty and discomfort.
• I have a right to help not only myself and my family, but the suffering alcoholic as well.
• I have a right to stand firm against constant wavering, which can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking pattern.
  

And I would add the following ones to this:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.

3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say 'I'm afraid."

14. I have the right to say 'I don't know'.

15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.

21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

22. I have the right to change and grow.

23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others

24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect

25. I have the right to be happy.

"God guide me to make the right decision and give me the fortitude to cling to it against all pressures and persuasions."

Monday's child

It was a nice weekend on the boat. I didn't get out to the anchorage until nearly 5 PM on Saturday. The tides were extreme highs and lows due to the full moon. I anchored the boat a bit too close in though and by 2 AM, I found myself sliding down the V-berth because the boat had heeled over in shallow water. I had to laugh because I hadn't done that but one other time. It makes for snug sleeping since two people are crammed against the bulkhead.

Once the tide came in, I moved the boat out further. We then rowed to shore in the dinghy. The dog had a good romp in the surf. We met some other people who were camping on the island. They had a good fire going but were trying to decide whether to all stay in the same tent for warmth. Nice and cozy with four adults, a child and a wet collie.

We got back to the marina in time to clean up the boat and to put the decorations up on Compass Rose. There were quite a few boats at the marina that had lights up. It just didn't seem right not to have the boat with a few lights on her. I wanted her to feel special this time of year because the time is special.
Tonight is my home group. The old nursery rhyme says that Monday's child is fair of face. I think that I have a feeling of being fair of face today. Although I also think that my face may show the tired feeling that I have after a sailing weekend. The time just goes by too quickly.

And to be honest, I've felt a bit disconnected from some things with the program lately. I go to meetings, but I seem to hear a lot of the same stuff over and over. I give calls to people who are in the program but seldom get a reciprocating call. I see people absorbed with their own stuff, their own business, and wonder if I'm keeping the focus too much on myself. I reach out but get mixed messages. These are all things that get my cynicism stirring. And these are sure pitfalls to launch a resentment. I don't believe that this is a program of rhetoric. So today I'm going to open up my ears, stop taking inventory and just listen. Maybe I'll hear what I need to hear.

Step Ten

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is my favorite step. I like it because it incorporates all that I've put into action through the previous nine steps. But most of all, it means that it's okay for me to recognize and admit my mistakes promptly and then move on.

Step 10 means that I take my own inventory and not someone else's. I've had a lot of opportunities to take the alcoholic's inventory. But that isn't what this is about. And this step isn't about my being right. It's about my having the humility to acknowledge that I make mistakes and that I need to look at my motives and my deeds.

When I first did this step with my sponsor, I was asked to have a checklist of a daily inventory for things to watch for. These included some of my big character defects: self-pity, resentment, negative thinking, self-condemnation, dishonesty. This checklist at the end of the day helped me to be aware of my actions.

Eventually, I no longer had a check off sheet on paper but would go over at the end of the day the part that I played---whether I made conscious choices about my behavior or whether I was just reacting to what others wanted from me or what I thought would make them like me.

Now I find that whenever I feel uncomfortable at any time during the day, it's time to take my inventory. If I'm sad, then I look at why that may be. Is it because I am fearful about something? I have to be honest with myself and not rationalize my actions, and then I have to either make an apology or change my behavior. I do this by being aware, accepting what I have done, and then taking action to remedy the situation.

My sponsor has told me that promptly admitting my wrongs means to act within 48 hours--not a week or a year--but within a time frame that allows me to calm down and get some perspective. If I'm really angry about something, I need some time to see my part in the situation and then I can make a sincere apology, rather than one that feels like I'm eating crow.

It's important in this step for me to pray for willingness to see the viewpoints of others. I keep a journal and write in this blog about things that bother me. And I can also give the situation up to my Higher Power. That sometimes is the only thing that keeps me from going round and round in my head over something that I can't seem to resolve on my own.

I can remember wanting to have a "discussion" with the alcoholic when she was drinking. I know now that I was trying to pick a fight. I would do everything that I could to thrust my character defects onto the other person because I didn't want them within me. That was a bad plan and I've learned that it's better to keep my mouth shut. I don't need to apologize for something that I didn't do (I did a lot of that), nor do I need to respond to the moods or actions of another when it's none of my business. If it's not my job to fix something, then the best thing that I can do is to just let it go.

"[ Step 10 has ] helped me come to grips with the knowledge that being right is not good enough. Right facts with a wrong attitude is wrong. It's not really so much an issue of wrong vs. right as it is fear vs. love. When I'm acting out of love, you can say anything, and it's okay with me. When I'm acting out of fear, I argue. I have to prove I'm right." from How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics , © Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 1995, page 298.

Back on track

I inventoried the things that were making me feel anxious. And basically a part of it is fear of uncertainty and the other part is my fear of confrontations. I know that these are uncertain times and that there is nothing that I can do about changing that. I have accepted uncertainty and the fact that I don't have a solution.

What I do have is some clear direction for this day. I know that I'm going to be rowing with the team tonight. I know that I have a work meeting this morning. I know that I have reports to work on. Those are the things that are certain about this day. I'll stick to those things that I know rather than try to understand or clarify processes that are unfathomable.

And with regard to confrontations, I decided that asking more questions and getting clarification in dealing with businesses and people is something that I can do. It doesn't mean that there is a confrontation, but that I have a clear understanding of situations in order to make an informed decision. I can disagree respectfully with someone and take care of myself without having an argument.

So today is a new day. I'm glad that I went to the meeting last night and that there are interesting things to do today. Anxiety is a state of mind that can be acknowledged, inventoried and let go.

"If you have a problem and you can do something about it, there is no need to get anxious about it because you can actively do something to solve it. On the other hand, if there is nothing you can do to solve it, getting anxious about it is useless -- it won't fix the problem. So either way you look at it, whether the problem is solvable or unsolvable, there is no sense in getting anxious or upset about it. Try thinking like that about one of your problems. Just sit for a minute and think, "Is there something I can do about this or not?" from Shantideva

Fourth month, fourth step

My home group meeting last night was on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We talked about the willingness to inventory ourselves in order to make progress in recovery.

When I did my inventory for Step Four, I did feel pain as I relived reasons for resentments that I felt. And it was hard to acknowledge that my attitudes had alienated me from others and from myself, as the person that I wanted to be. It was hard for me to realize that I had many positive attributes.

One of the things that we did last night was to talk about being willing to acknowledge the positive things about ourselves as well as the negative. It was hard for some of the members to list many positive things. Most of us tend to concentrate on our character defects. We are more comfortable emphasizing what's wrong with us.

But a moral inventory means the right and wrong things. Add to that the idea of being fearless and the inventory becomes a powerful and beneficial thing. As long as I'm willing to examine my strengths, weaknesses, self-destructive behaviors and aspects of goodness, I can begin to change for the better.

I think that the foundation of the first three steps is critical in doing an inventory. I had to face my powerlessness and the inability to manage my own life before I did the inventory. And I turned to my belief in a Higher Power who could restore me to sanity as I worked Step Four.

It was important that I left nothing out as I did Step Four. I had to be honest and get rid of my denial about what was hurting me and others. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse, but to begin to remove those things that block out joy and love.

I've come to accept that I have good and bad traits. I know that there is a beast within. But I'm not afraid or fearful of those parts of myself that are untamed. I like my spirit, energy and vitality. I like that my beast can let go of complicated thoughts at times and just enjoy simple pleasures. I guess that I don't have much desire to be a castrated angel.

If not for the beast within us we would be castrated angels.
--Hermann Hesse

Fake it Til You Make It

I have heard the expression "Fake It Til You Make It" at several meetings. I never really understood how it would help me. I've never been comfortable with the "faking it" part, although I have done it a lot during my life.

I think that it's better to just walk the walk and work the program, keeping honesty in mind, rather than having the "liar" alarm go off in my head.

Nonetheless, I felt like a fake at a meeting on Friday. I didn't want to go to the meeting, instead I wanted to go home, make it an early evening, and get some rest. But I went to the meeting, and generally felt restless and uninspired. The topic was Let Go and Let God. I shared but knew that I wasn't really letting go of much inside of me. My sharing felt like I was "faking it".

I've learned that there's no magic formula to get out of a bad place or to get past the low points that sometimes come along. Doing a quick inventory made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and letting my thinking get the best of me. I called my sponsor and talked about the fake feeling I was having. It was important for me to realize that I'm not always going to feel great. And that the times that I feel down because I'm not getting what I want can be an opportunity for me to remember that there's a purpose to life's events. And no matter what happens, good or bad, I can learn to laugh more and to cry less.

So here are some things that help me to get past those moments of dis-ease:
1. Recognize resentments and take an inventory
2. Let go of worries and fears.
3. Live and let live
4. Give more
5. Expect less

I can't go back and make a brand new start to the day, but I can start from now and make a brand new ending to the day.

Another amends

It's time for me to make amends to a friend with whom I've basically not been around much over the past year.  We used to be close and do quite a few things together but since I told him about my wife being an alcoholic and our marital difficulties, he's distanced himself quite a bit. 

I talked to him today and said that I'd like to drop by to wish him a Merry Christmas and drop off a gift from my wife and me.  He said that he didn't get us anything this year because he was "cutting back" and to not feel "obligated" to bring him anything.  I explained that we didn't feel obligated but wanted to bring him something.  After inventorying my feelings, I decided that it was time to make amends and just accept whatever comes from doing that.  My amends basically are that I expected too much from the friendship and am sorry that I did so.  My expectations were that the friendship would weather the stormy period of the last year.  Now I realize that the friendship isn't the same as it once was which I'm okay with.  I'm also okay with whatever he has to say to me.  It's just time to make peace with myself.   

It feels right to be doing this.  I was wondering when the time would feel right.  It will be a relief to me. 

Watching the light go out

At the meeting last night, I read from one of the books about how to stop hurting others as we work through recovery. One of the readings asked the question, "Have you ever watched the light go out of someone's eyes?" I can visualize that because I've not only seen it but have contributed in many ways to it. While one could interpret the reading as referring to death and dying, it really was referring to how unkind words and sarcasm can take the light away.

I've felt the light in my own eyes ebb over the years. It wasn't due to alcohol or drugs but to a loss of spirit and an emptiness within. But I've contributed through my own selfishness and fears to diminishing the light in other's eyes. Thankfully, I didn't have the power to extinguish that light.

Through the program, I'm coming to terms with the harms that I have done. I'm working at trying to balance my character defects with some positive affirmations. Today has been a day to not only think about the wrongs that I have done but to try as hard as I can to forgive myself.

The HP has been working so hard today in my life. My SO found and read my fourth step inventory and is having a hard time coming to grips with what was written. The application of the Ninth Step of making direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others is not an option for me now. The harms are there, indelibly imprinted and have filled her eyes with tears. I'm doing what I can to affirm my love and caring. I'm not sure that anything will work this time so I've got to just let it go this evening and trust that somehow this fits into the HP's plan.