Pain and desperation

My little home group that has been struggling with attendance lately suddenly had three newcomers show up the other night.  A mother and two daughters came through the door looking for help for a husband/father and son/sibling who are active alcoholics.

The first night they didn't say much, but all of them indicated they were in a crisis.  Last night, the wife shared about the husband's DUI and fears that he is going to kill himself or others driving drunk.  The daughter shared about her brother who has severe health issues resulting from alcoholic drinking.

This sad story is repeated over and over again in countless rooms every day.  The sad part is that the people who come to Al-Anon as newcomers think their story is unique.  They are so demoralized and beaten down by their situation that they can't understand why any of the other people in the room could be smiling and actually enjoying life.  All the newcomer feels is pain and desperation.

I know that when I first went to a meeting, I didn't want to hear the laughter or see the smiles. How could anyone possibly be happy when I was so miserable? Long before going to Al-Anon, I called the AA hotline hoping to get help for my wife.  We had a particularly bad evening that night.  Most evenings were bad when she drank, but this one was particularly volatile.

We had gone to a party and that meant there was no way to control her drinking. My whispers of "Don't you think you've had enough?" were ignored.  She drank more, and my anxiety increased.  When I was able to eventually get her to leave, she was angry, and so was I.  The anger boiled over after we got home. Arguing with a drunk is pointless.  I know that now. But back then, I didn't know anything except how to provoke the situation.

So I proceeded to tell her that she needed help; that she had a problem; that I was embarrassed with her drinking.  She began to talk about wishing she was dead. She cried and ripped her silk blouse open, mumbling that she could see that I didn't love her.  It was a terrible night.

After getting her to bed,  I sat for a while in the dark.  And then I decided to call the AA hotline.  I explained what had happened and that my wife needed help.  I remember the person on the line told me that my wife had to make a decision about going to AA--she couldn't be forced by me.  And I was told that I was the one who needed to get help in Al-Anon.  I could hear laughter in the background. That was the last thing that I wanted to hear.  How could anyone be laughing when I was in such pain?  And why would anyone suggest that I needed help?  I just needed my wife to get sober, and I would be fine.  I was more despondent when I hung up the phone.  Feeling utterly alone,  I remember sitting up until well after 4 AM, feeling as if my heart was being ripped from my body.

Today, so much is different.  My wife has been sober for over 8 years, and I have been in Al-Anon for that long as well.   I can laugh now.  The lonely days and nights aren't filled with the anxiety of alcoholism.  My situation wasn't unique. The common denominator was the fear and self-loathing that alcoholism creates.

I know that these newcomers will come to find happiness and will laugh again if they keep coming to meetings.  It is a safe place where we are all equals and are on the same journey.

Time for hope and miracles

It's going to be 80 F here today.  The leaves are beautiful, and the weather is great for going to the beach.  We would be out on the boat and anchored off our "secret" island, except for going to a Christmas party tonight.

And my Christmas spirit is not particularly there. So this morning, my wife and I are wrapping presents for a girl at the city orphanage. She filled out a list, and we have all of her items now--the skinny jeans in pink, makeup, the pink Converse shoes, the iPod, the tee shirts, the striped socks, etc.  A lot of things were on her list. I think that she will be a happy kid on Christmas.

We did this last year too.  Giving to a girl from the orphanage made us feel good. We met some of the staff at the wrapping party for the kids. That party is being held on Sunday at the organizer's house, who is a sailing friend. He and his wife have no kids, and so they have organized this gifting to the orphans for two years.

It's clearly apparent that we don't need or want anything for Christmas. Most all of the 90+ boxes of dishes, crystal, porcelain, etc. have gone to the antique auction house.  The big auctions for Mom and Pop's things will be coming up in January.  We have kept a few things that are special to us. But they had so much that we would have to build a 3000 sq. ft. addition on our house to display the things.  How many sets of dishes does a person need?  How many crystal bowls or wine glasses or champagne flutes?  It feels good to have cleared out the storage container.

Our lives are amazingly calm and content at the moment.  I have been going to meetings.  One of the meetings has started a beginner meeting for those newcomers who show up.  I led that the other night.  There is nothing like a newcomer to remind me of where I was.  Her brother is an addict, and she found that she was obsessing and anxious about him and what his addiction was doing to her parents.  These stories are repeated over and over again in the rooms. I'm glad to be there to share the message of hope.  It is the time for that and maybe some miracles too.

Last year's gifts for the orphans ready to be delivered.

Where are the men?

I had a question from someone a few weeks ago about why more men don't go to Al-Anon.  Generally, when I read that every alcoholic affects the lives of at least twenty people, then it would be reasonable to conclude: 1) that more people in general would benefit from Al-Anon and 2) not all the affected people out there are women.  In my meetings, there are a few other men who attend regularly.  Basically, though men are outnumbered by about ten to one.  I remember going to my first meeting, where there was not another man there.  I certainly did get attention which was a good reason to keep going back.  Most of us don't mind being outnumbered by women ten to one!

Seriously,  I do think that men's brains are wired differently.  Many men aren't really good at reaching out and asking for help.  I didn't know what to expect from the first meeting.  Yes, it felt uncomfortable but somehow it also felt good to be welcomed warmly and for people to take an interest in me.  The leader was quite the dominator of that meeting.  And perhaps at that first meeting, I needed a strong voice to tell me what to do.  I was at a point where I knew I had to do something, but none of the options seemed too good.

At that first meeting, I was given some phone numbers.  I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to call these women or not. It felt awkward.  I waited several days and did call each of them.  I was relieved to be taken directly to their voice mail, so I left a message telling them thanks for the welcome and that I would be back.

I kept going back to that meeting and others.  Eventually,  I found groups that offered friendship, understanding, and compassion.  I found people who didn't tell me what to do.  And I found a sponsor who was willing to work with me on the steps and traditions of the program.

There was something really powerful about being in a room full of people, no matter that most were women,  who understood what I was feeling because they had been there.  I knew that I wasn't alone and that I didn't have to deal with the crazy stuff in my head by myself.

There are times when I'm in meetings and a person will get going on a share that has so many details that my leg begins to shake with agitation.  Or there will be a lot of crying and anguish.  It doesn't matter whether these are men or women because I am learning to be patient, listen and have empathy for those who are having a tough time.

Sometimes the passing of Kleenex and the quilt raffles strike me as totally feminine.  And I don't want to leave out the hugging, the butterflies, and the literature that talks about "his" drinking---LOL.  But, what's wrong with a hug, butterflies are beautiful, and I know lots of "his's" who drink too.

At one of my meetings, there is a male college student who keeps coming back. He is a good fellow who has a sense of humor.  It's good to see that he isn't fazed by being in the midst of women, some of whom are old enough to be his great-grandmother.  He seems perfectly comfortable being there.

Sadly though, many people don't stay.  They will come for one or two meetings and leave.  I hope that they have found what they are looking for elsewhere because alcoholism is a problem that we can't fix, control or ignore.  Its affects fall on just as many men as women.  I know that I understand the tools of the program, but the affects go back so far in my life that left to my own devices, I could easily revert back to being the angry, self-pitying man I was before.

Now I can say that the women in the rooms have been awesome.  They have been yelled at, physically abused,  financially bereft, yet still manage to laugh and to give those hugs.  Their eyes have changed from being dull and full of tears to being bright and twinkling with humor.  I am grateful for their help and the hand of fellowship that was extended to me.  

What do you fear?

Awoke to brisk weather and a head cold.  Not the way that I wanted to start the day, but I can tell that I have been invaded by something that will sap a bit of energy for a few days.  My head feels heavy, but my spirit feels good.

Yesterday's meeting topic was on fear.  That one word seems to sum up so much of what is at the root of the human psyche.  What do I fear? Less and less.  I have written so much about this trait that seems to come in and undermine living.  I still have the abandonment issues, but I am moving through those by realizing that I will deal with things as they come.  No sense in following the old slogan of F*#k Everything and Run.  We can only run on far, until we are brought down by those jackals of fear.

There is a lot to fear in this world: bad people, bad economy, wars, famine, death, sickness--the list is long.  But at this moment on this day,  I have little to fear.  There are so many things that I am powerless over. Inviting them into my mind is pointless. All I can do is be aware, accept and take action on those things that I can change.

A newcomer to Al-Anon was sobbing because her husband is an alcoholic who is verbally and emotionally abusive.  I could sense the people in the room collectively sigh, breathing out empathy for this lady who faced her fear and came in.  Face Everything and Recover is what we are doing.  It takes time, but I could see the hope in her face as we each told her how glad we were that she was here.

She fears reprisal for being at a meeting, that her husband will yell at her, that he will be drunk, that she will never be happy.  All these things may happen, but there are other options, other plans that can be made to keep the focus on positive action.

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.  ~ John Lennon

What are your fears today?  Are you avoiding them, putting them off with denial?  Or are you facing them and realizing that there is power in self-awareness? 

We are not who we used to be

So many sad people at the meeting last night were having trouble with alcoholic husbands and children. Tears were flowing and the Kleenex was flying.  There is nothing like newcomers to spark up a meeting.  So we talked about being powerless which is something that I need to be mindful of.  It's so easy to take my power back when I think that someone else needs to take action. 

One lady shared about her alcoholic husband who went to rehab after the family did an intervention which drove him to have an affair.  So now he thinks that she is an interfering bitch, doesn't want to talk to her, has moved out and is living with his lover. Whew! What a tangled web we weave in our co-dependent unmanageability.  She is crying because she wants him back, especially the man that he used to be.  I wonder at the wisdom of wanting someone at any cost, even when that person does not want you.  There is no logic to what happens to those who live with alcoholism.  Self-respect and self-esteem are so low that most of us are willing to settle for a few crumbs of affection. 

I see how far I have come.  I see myself where that woman is: willing to sacrifice myself, do anything, to get the person back.  It doesn't work.  The person who was the one we married or gave birth to or who gave birth to us is not the same.  No one is the same after alcoholism enters the picture. We become different people and if we are lucky enough to get into recovery, we learn to love who we are.  Because of recovery,  I think that I am a better person.  I hope that the newcomers stick around long enough to see the miracles happen in their life. 

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
- Havelock Ellis

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
- Lao Tzu

Don't give up

I am constantly reminded that life is truly one day at a time.  Yesterday the vet called with good news. Timmi was doing much better.   His renal values went to normal, and he ate a good meal at the vet's.  Knowing that all this can change at any moment,  I opted to bring him home and continue to flush out his kidneys using subcutaneous fluids here.  So he is happy to be home and ate about a pound of deli ham last night (his choice of a homecoming meal).  We don't know whether the kidneys will continue to function, but we are willing to do what we can to help him.  He was wagging and playing with his hedgehog last night before bedtime. This morning,  he ate a pound of thin sliced turkey.  Looks as if we are cooking for three for a while.

I went to my home group last night.  The fellow who cried because he had difficulty reading has been coming regularly. He now reads and shares regularly, saying that he is grateful to have found a group that has accepted him.  He handed out a daily reader last night to each of us. In his shy way, he said that he ordered these as a gift to us.  It didn't matter that it was about Jesus.  Just the gesture was so touching to me.  He didn't give up and has found a place that feels like home to him. 

There were a couple of newcomers to this group.  One I had met on my trip a few weeks ago when I sailed south.  He is in the "other" fellowship.  This was his first Al-Anon meeting, and he was doing his best to be the center of attention. I kept thinking of the Big Book's familiar phrase about being an actor who wants to run the show.  It is interesting to see how egos present themselves when someone is taken out of their familiar environment.  He definitely has a lot of alcoholism in his family, so hopefully he will learn some of the gentle ways of Al-Anon if he continues to come to meetings.  Maybe he will find something that helps him to not only stay sober but live sober as well. 

The other newcomer was there because his brother received his fourth DUI and tried to run over someone while drunk.  He is now in jail facing all kinds of charges.  The newcomer is struggling with detaching with love and establishing boundaries.  He loves his brother but realizes that he can't help him.  Struggling with sadness and anger, the newcomer doesn't want to give up on himself.  He has reached out a hand, and a bunch of us took it.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.   I am truly grateful for events unfolding today.  I'm not giving up on the old dog, on the newcomers at meetings, or on life.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Hope from a newcomer

There was a newcomer at the meeting tonight.  She was in a lot of pain and for much of the meeting could hardly speak for being so emotional.  Her husband has been drinking for quite a few years but the amount being drunk has accelerated recently.  He begins drinking in the early morning and continues throughout the day.  He has promised her that he will stop but has not been able to.

Every time there is a person who comes to a meeting in pain from what alcoholism has done, I feel so much compassion.  But I am also filled with a great deal of hope.  My compassion comes from having been confused and angry, filled with despair when I went to my first meeting.  My hope comes from seeing where I am now and how far I have come in taking care of myself and not fixating on the alcoholic.

I know that if the newcomer can keep coming to meetings, there will be a chance that the pain will cease and there can be happiness in its place.  I have felt so low that I seriously thought at one time about suicide.  And yet,  now I see that was totally my disease telling me that I was no good, unworthy of love, and a complete failure as a human being.  It was through the steps of this program that I learned that I wasn't as bad as I thought nor as good as others thought I was.

Newcomers who keep coming back, get a sponsor and work the steps can feel hope again.  The tears that seem as if they will never go away will be replaced with laughter.  I know because I have seen it happen with others and with myself.  So when a newcomer walks through the door of a meeting,  I am grateful.

I not only am reminded of how I have been helped but am also given an opportunity to extend my hand to offer help to another.  That is what keeps me filled with hope.  I have seen what the 12 steps have done for me and how the 12 traditions have helped me deal with others.  Newcomers do bring hope.

Terminally unique

I have heard the expression of being "terminally unique" which is often an attitude that is used to exempt a person from some of the principles of Al-Anon and the twelve steps.  I experienced that attitude of uniqueness for years.  I thought that I was different from others and that no one else could possibly have experienced the rotten things that I had.  I realize that thinking I was different from others not only isolated me in life but kept me away from the benefits of recovery. 

It isn't unusual to hear someone talk about how difficult their situation is.  Their misery is much greater because they have a child who is on the streets whereas others have a much less burdensome situation with an alcoholic spouse.  I don't have children so I can't identify.  I am sure their pain is a harsh and hard thing.  But I have also heard in Al-Anon that we don't compare our burdens and pain.  To me, living with an alcoholic for many years was very painful. 

Fortunately, when I went to my first meeting I heard others talk about their alcoholic spouses.  I could tell that I belonged.  I didn't think that I was so different because of education, financial situation or any other reason.  I could identify with what I heard. 

Last night, a couple at the Beginner's Meeting shared about how difficult is was for them to let their addict son go.  He is active and living with them.  The father said that having a child who has problems with drugs or alcohol is different from having a spouse who has those problems.  Yes, I suppose it could be.  But isn't the end result the same--that if I keep doing the same things over and over and those things don't work, that perhaps I need to consider other options?

I believe in the end, we have far more similarities than differences in our desire to help those we love.  I think that each of us who come to Al-Anon are there because we are desperate.  Some are desperate to help the alcoholic, while others are desperate to save ourselves from what has become a miserable existence.   I am glad that I was at the point of being desperate enough to save myself.  I had reached my breaking point and knew that I was beaten by alcoholism. 

I suspect that the couple whose son is still actively using were there to save him.  They left half way through the regular meeting.  I was sorry to see them go but perhaps they haven't reached the point where they realize that fixing their son isn't possible.  There is one thing for sure, we are each unique--just like everyone else.

Knowing each other

I just got back from a meeting.  It was a sponsee's first Al-Anon birthday so I gave him a bronze medallion.  There were a couple of newcomers at the beginner meeting so he and I talked to them about what brought them to Al-Anon and how it might help.

Both of the newcomers had children who were having major issues.  One child is 14 years old and anorexic.  The parents have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on getting her treated.  She has manipulated the mother into a near breakdown by telling her stuff like, "If you don't get me a new laptop, then I won't eat."  The other parent who was there has a daughter who is an alcoholic and a sex addict.  The daughter is now pregnant, has stopped drinking but is still a sex addict.

My sponsee and I shared about why we came to Al-Anon.  And as I was listening to what we were sharing, it occurred to me that garden variety alcoholism is getting rarer and rarer these days.  Most of the newcomers are dealing with relatives or friends with multiple addictions--tonight a food (or lack of) addiction and sex addiction.  Although I can't identify with these addictions, it is good that the message of the program is the same--to take care of yourself, to detach with love, to have compassion for those sick and suffering, and to realize that we can't control the behavior of another. 

The regular meeting was good with a speaker who shared her experience, strength, and hope.  Like so many who have come to be in recovery,  we have learned to open up and to share.  She said that this was the first time that she had shared her story.  And it was a rough week because she was fired from a job and had been obsessing about that.  A crisis had come into her life that was requiring her to take it one hour at a time. But focusing on sharing her story had helped her to get out of self-pity and focus on gratitude.  A coincidence?  I don't think so.  I think it was her Higher Power who brought the events together this week--a crisis that was helped by doing service.

Her story made me realize how fortunate I am to have met the people I have and to count them as friends.  We said good bye to a member tonight who is moving out of the state.  She has been a bright light in the program.  I would not have known her, come to count her as a friend, had it not been for Al-Anon.  And the same can be said for all those who I encounter in this program.  I went from someone who felt that I had no friends to a person who can pick up the phone and call any number of people who will be there for me.  And I will be there for them.  That is an awesome thing.

And there are the people who I have met through blogs.  I may not know you face to face, but you provide a way for me to feel included in your lives.  You share things in your writings that make me feel as if I know you.  And by doing so, I feel that I have come to care about you and what happens in your life.  We are all interconnected by what we share.  We dare to put ourselves out here, to lay ourselves bare and express our joys and sorrows.  Do you realize how special that is?  I think that it is really a rarety in society.  But for us in recovery, it is part of what makes us heal.

Now that I have shared my warm, fuzzy feelings for you, it's time to cozy up next to C. She has been reading and listening to me typing away on the laptop.  I think that I'll tell her just how warm and fuzzy she makes me feel too.

Being of service

Last night at a meeting, I got to reflect on something that has been passed down from my sponsor to me and that I pass on to my sponsees.  It is one of the fundamental principles of AA and Al-Anon: "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."

I've found that service work is a great thing. There are so many ways to be of service in the fellowship.  My sponsor shared that he took a position as GR about 2 weeks into Al-Anon.  He asked what being a GR entailed and was told that it was like being President of the group.  He admitted to having a big ego and said, "Okay, I can do that!". 

I didn't come into Al-Anon with much self-esteem when it came to relationships, but I did know how to step up to the plate and be responsible. So probably some of my first service with the group was ego based.  I've always been a sucker to volunteer to do something, especially when no one else wants to. But a lot of why I have done service work is to give back to the program what has been so freely given to me. And I appreciate that there were people at the meetings when I was new that took the time to share their experience, strength, and hope which was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.  So I have done a lot of different service work in all sorts of ways since being in the fellowship.  It has helped me to get out of myself, out of my own head, and made my recovery stronger.

I have gotten a lot from working with the newcomers who keep coming back.  Like so many newcomers, when I first came to Al-Anon, I was in deep despair. I didn't want to fix anyone but myself because I was past the point of trying to fix the alcoholic. I didn't believe that the relationship could be saved. In fact, I didn't believe in much when I came in. I definitely was at an emotional bottom and in need of guidance.

At first, I didn't feel much like I belonged. Everyone was further along than I. It was as if there was a different language. But it just felt like I had found a place where I could finally talk about what was wrong in my life and in my marriage.

Even though I felt shame and guilt at first, I kept going to meetings.  I wanted what was offered. After working the steps and with the help of my sponsor, I've created a new life for myself. I have hobbies that I enjoy and fill my life with things that I like to do and can do with or without my spouse. I don't have expectations that she will participate but if she wants to, that's great. I've learned from the program that keeping the focus on myself isn't selfish.

So when I see a newcomer at a meeting, it inspires me. I feel sad for them.  But I know that the path through the door leaves a trail of tears but eventually laughter follows us out.  I am now able to laugh at meetings and can see how far I've come. I can see the raw emotion of the newcomer and pray that each will hear something that will make them want to keep returning. And with God working through me, I get to reach out my hand and give away some of what I have learned. And that's a great feeling.  I think that I’ve given away something but kept something far more valuable by helping others.

Last night, the newcomers heard that they are the most important person in the room. When I heard those words, it made me feel special and that was something that I hadn't felt for a long time.

So I want to say thanks to the newcomers who have the courage to come into a meeting. Hopefully, you'll hear something that will make you keep coming back and will lead you to recovery.  And if you are not new, reach out your hand to be of service. Give it away and you'll get far more in return.

Too many balls.....in the mouth and in the air

Lou at Subdural Flow invited us to post a photo that makes me smile. I have quite a few silly dog photos that always make me smile.  Here is a dog who has a lot of balls.  The nature of Labradors is such that they not only love their humans unconditionally, but they love having things in their mouths.  That may include tennis balls, frogs, squirrels, your hand, or any number of other things which they hold gently, even softly without damaging the critter. The animals are like children to us, and we love them. (And yes, we have dogs--actually several of them and three cats.)

Speaking of balls,  this seems to be the time of year when every one is juggling too many of them, and a few have come crashing down.  The rooms are filled with newcomers these days with about 3-4 at each meeting I attend. Maybe the holiday drinking has brought them to a point in which they realize that there is a problem--not just with the person who is drinking or using but with their behavior around them. Their world is falling apart.

Last night was no exception.  There was a new man at the meeting.  He was very angry and came in shouting and yelling.  His daughter, who is his qualifier, had taken his debit card and spent the money.  She is an adult, but the parents have done a lot of enabling of her over the years.  Now, he has come to the realization that he has been fooled, manipulated, and lied to.

That's a tough place to be.  Even though he was stuck in his own anger and misery,  I hope that he heard something that will resonate.  I have been where he was and stayed that way for many years. I am thankful that I learned about the solution through Al-Anon.

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends, and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. Bryan Dyson

Attraction not promotion

I read some good posts today (Thanks Mary Christine and Ed!) that mentioned among other things, the amount of misinformation and negativism that occurs about 12 step programs, especially AA, on the internet.

I think that the internet has a lot of resources about recovery. It is up to the discerning reader to "take what they like and leave the rest". Although much of the criticism about 12 step programs is leveled at AA and how cult-like it is, I even found quite a few sites claiming that Al-Anon was a cult.

Some of the points made are that:
1) Al-Anon is anti family--The "family disease" concept is described as blaming parents and other alcoholics in our lives for our problems. Those in Al-Anon are purported to seek perpetrators who "abused" and caused much suffering in our lives.

2) The entire family must become involved in Al-Anon--The alcoholic won't be understood unless the family attends enough meetings and submits to the program. Al-Anon uses the disease concept as a lever to keep you coming back to meetings, and to make loyal members of your family.

3) Al-Anon perpetuates that the alcoholic is sick--The family will not be able to understand the alcoholic unless they also accept the addictive disease concept and become involved in a 12-step program such as Al-Anon. After attending Al-Anon, a person will regard the alcoholic as sick which will create mistrust and emotional distance between you and the loved one.

4) Al-Anon replaces family bonds with cult ties, defining the relationships between family members in clinical and cult terms. Families often break apart on account of AA cult loyalties.

I seriously wondered after reading some of this "information" whether any of the people who wrote about the cult concept ever a) attended several Al-Anon meetings or b) listened to anything that was said. I did happen upon this interesting published Al-Anon article by an anthropologist that gave a different view point.

Because I do believe that people have a right to their own opinions (I don't have to agree with what they say), I won't attempt to dissuade anyone from their beliefs. In fact, I'm not interested in promoting Al-Anon to a person who doesn't want it. But I did want it.

When I went to my first meeting, I could tell that it was something that I desperately wanted. I got a sponsor, listened to the experiences of others, and gradually began to incorporate the Al-Anon principles as a way of life. I learned about courage, strength, validation, understanding, experience and calm serenity from Al-Anon. I stopped worrying about what the alcoholic did, got away from obsessing and nagging her, and started to focus on my own well being.

And yet, the behavioral patterns and emotional wounds still crop up which is why I continue to go to meetings and work with others. I think that this program teaches a life lesson. I have learned how alcoholism affected me, why I let it, how I can learn to not allow it to affect new relationships, and how to relearn healthy relationships with people already in my life.

Through Al-Anon, I have learned patience, kindness, support and validation for me and for my wife who is alcoholic. It has taken time for me to learn about myself and to work on my character defects. I think that open mindedness is such a great thing. Given time and willingness to be open, a new perspective on life can evolve.

My recovery includes what I glean from 12-Step recovery in Al-Anon, combined with other sources of experience, strength, and hope. What I do is for my benefit. Recovery isn't dictated to me by another. I am free to take what I can use and leave the rest. I can honor my individuality. Those who are uncomfortable with my chosen path can deal with their own discomfort, for the lesson of tolerance and judgment is one that they must discover for themselves.

A weekend of stuff

It was not a great weekend here weather wise. Instead of snow, there was torrential rain. The storm drains downtown overflowed, streets were filled with 2 feet of water and fecal matter and toilet paper floated down the main shopping street.

I do live on a mile long dirt road (one of the redneck criteria, even though I don't have other credentials for redneckedness) and it was filled with deep gullies where the road bed had washed away. Sheet flow occurs across the road because of rain running off the fields and flowing into drainage ditches that can't hold all the water. Anyway, it was an adventure going and coming. Thank goodness for a pickup truck (OMG-another trademark of a redneck!).

Anyway, I went to the boat to check up on things there after the rain passed by. It was cold and windy. I put some weatherstripping around the foreward hatch, got a hot shower, and then went to an open AA meeting on Saturday evening. It was a God moment when a young teenager with a week of sobriety won the raffle with a Big Book and As Bill Sees It. I've heard that coincidence is just God's way of being anonymous. I like that idea.

On Sunday, the man who hired me for this job years ago died. He was a gentle man and a gentleman, traits that are not as prevalent today. He and I finished up a book together last year. I'm grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with him for these many years. He was active and still came into the office every day until the last couple of weeks. And he had plans for another book. It was a life well lived.

Today is the start of Christmas week. I'm at an emotional low today but realize that this too shall pass. Tonight is my home group meeting. I need a good dose of Al-Anon along with a shot of Step Three and a dash of Tradition 12. That's a powerful concoction.

Action

I enjoyed the meeting yesterday. The topic was about how we carry the message of the program. I like that topic.

Many don't think that it's possible to carry much of a message when one is new to the program. But I think that there are a lot of ways to carry the message. I think of it as service as suggested in the Twelfth Step. Service which is Al-Anon's third legacy is vital for the fellowship. It means that I strive to do as well as to be.

Anything done to help a relative or friend of an alcoholic is service: a telephone call to a despairing member or sponsoring a newcomer, telling one's story at meetings, forming groups, sponsoring Alateen groups, arranging for public information, distributing literature, and financially supporting groups, local services, and the World Service Office.

I tell my sponsees to just talk to the newcomers. Get their phone number. I'm always grateful when a newcomer shows up as one did yesterday. She was brought by an AA friend of her husband who is now in detox. She shared that her guilt about "kicking" him out was overwhelming. But she didn't know what to do, how to fix him, how to take away his alcoholism. All of this is a reminder of where I was, how far I've come, and where I don't want to be again. A lot of people stepped up after the meeting to talk to her and encourage her to keep coming back.

Sitting and listening to newbies vent or cry, listening to an older member going through tough times and unable to "see the light" at the moment, can often be sad. But usually another member will share something uplifting, saying what helped them and carried them through the tough times. That is another way to carry the message, and it's a gift that I can bring to a meeting that might just change the tone.

I can remember when I never thought that there would be anything funny at a meeting. There was absolutely nothing to laugh about. This was alcoholism, damn it and it was heartbreaking. Now, I can see the humor in lots of things that I share. More often than not, we begin to learn to laugh again. A lot of that comes from just having gratitude over the small things.

I know that recovery is "a way of life" rather than "a program". I am learning how to live life in a healthy way. For me it means taking what I learn and applying it to everyday life, to everything in my life.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

At one of the meetings I attend, there is a Beginner's Meeting. Almost every week, there are 2-3 beginners that show up. I often lead the Beginner's Meeting. I think that it's important for them to get a chance to talk about why they are coming to Al-Anon and provide them with some basics about the program.

I think that it's important to share some of my experience, strength and hope with them. And to let them know that they are not alone in their feelings. So I found the following particularly profound. It reminded me of what it was like for me just before I understood surrender.

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters are calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth-- underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear of being found out. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a front of "having it together," but a trembling child hides within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I'm playing. I'd like to be real and spontaneous, and show you who I really am. You've got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can awaken the aliveness within. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you appraoch me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and beat down those walls with firm but gentle hands-- for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? You may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every new comer you meet."

From the book called "Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency" by Katie C and Deb M

A lot of gratitude

It was a great weekend in so many ways. I took off from work on Friday and Tuesday which really made for a long weekend with Monday being a holiday.

I made a quick trip out of state, came back and went on the sail boat for a couple of days. The weather couldn't have been better. The breezy conditions kept the temperatures pleasant and the biting insects away.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it back in time last night to chair the Beginners' Meeting at my usual Tuesday night meeting. I like to do that meeting because I believe that Beginners are so important to the program.

Unfortunately, there seems to be little interest by others to volunteer to work with Beginners. If I don't show up, the Beginners get incorporated into the Step Study meeting.

Al-Anon has a great suggested format for doing a Beginners Meeting. I've found it to be particularly useful in introducing them to the Al-Anon program and informing them about the disease of alcoholism. It is also good to let the newcomers discuss their experience and motivation for coming to Al-Anon, something that doesn't always happen in formatted meetings.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity when I first came to Al-Anon to be part of a group that thought the newcomer was important. I found patience, compassion and explanation of how the program worked. I think that it's important to encourage newcomers to come back and to be willing to listen to them. It's a great opportunity to share experience, strength and hope with those who are new to the program.

I'm hoping that others will decide to step up and chair the half-hour Beginners Meeting. So far the interest hasn't been enthusiastic. I am grateful for each newcomer who has the courage to walk through the door. And I hope to be there as much as possible to greet them and make them feel welcome.

Carrying the message

For the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to a colleague at work about some issues he has been having in his life. He and I share a lot of similar feelings and patterns when it comes to expectations in relationships.

I have been hesitant to mention my affiliation with Al-Anon to anyone at work; however, it has become clear to me that he is in a lot of pain. So last week, I shared some of my story with him.

I told him that I had found a way out of the despair. I had used a handful of simple principles to unravel a lot of my problems.

His interest was sparked. And I was willing to listen and share how I was working on my own recovery. We have done a lot of talking. I gave him a meeting list.

Last Friday night, he showed up at a meeting. He shared about his despair and his desire to break the patterns that have been destructive for himself and others. And yesterday, we went together to an open AA meeting and then to my home group meeting. I can see that he has a hunger for what the program has to offer. In fact, I see myself in him.

This is what is great about the program. This is the philosophy of the Twelfth Step made manifest. And for me, it is what keeps the program self-regenerative.

I am glad that he is willing to reach out. I hope that he gets peace of mind and serenity. I don't think that he will be a window shopper in the program who will go away without buying it. Rather I see the desire that I had to raid the store for everything I could find and then ask to see what's in the back room.

Whatever happens, I can give it away and let go. I can turn it over and keep coming back myself. This program is my choice. Someone else attracted me, and I have stayed. I believe that is my HP's will for me.

Why the Big Book isn't used in Al-Anon Meetings

Lou posted about her experience of chairing a workshop on sponsorship at an Al-Anon convention and was using the Big Book as an example of working Step Four. A couple of people in the audience spoke up that it wasn't conference approved. So I thought that I'd offer some information that I have found useful as to why it isn't used in Al-Anon meetings (Note: the BB and other literature may be used in step meeting and sponsor meetings that aren't approved by WSO).

Questions:

• Why can’t the A.A. “big book,” Alcoholics Anonymous, be studied at Al-Anon meetings?
• For what Traditions is use of the “big book” inconsistent with and why?
  
• Why is the actual source material that Al-Anon was developed from being put aside?
  
• The “big book” is the authority on alcoholism; why would we keep it from our membership?

Answer: Although Al-Anon’s roots are based in A.A., the A.A. “big book” is not and never has been Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). In the very early days of Al-Anon, A.A. materials were used at meetings because we had very little material of our own. When our cofounder Lois W. wrote The Al-Anon Family Groups (B-5) in 1955 with the help of other pioneers and the support of her husband Bill, she intended it as our big book. Bill had not allowed her to write any part of the A.A. big book—even the chapters to the wife or the family—because his book was from the perspective and experience of alcoholics.

“Conference Approved Literature” came about from discussions held at Al-Anon’s very first World Service Conference in 1961. The first few Conferences developed a process to give conceptual approval for the development of Al-Anon literature, and it was the will of the Conference to recommend exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings. Although the Conference grandfathered in several existing Al-Anon pieces, in keeping with Traditions One, Three, Five, and Six, the A.A. big book was not among them.

The exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings supports Al-Anon’s First Tradition: that personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. Al-Anon’s Third Tradition states that as a group we have no other affiliation. According to our Fifth Tradition, our one purpose is to help families of alcoholics. Our Sixth Tradition states we are a separate entity that should always cooperate with A.A.

As it states on page 94 of the 2006-2009 Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual, “It is well to remember that all A.A. literature is written for and from the viewpoint of alcoholics and is not Al-Anon/Alateen Conference Approved Literature. Reliance on opinions expressed in A.A. and other outside publications can distort the Al-Anon approach, particularly for the newcomer.”
The big book is the authority on alcoholism from the perspective and experience of the alcoholic. It does not reflect the perspective or experience of the families and friends of alcoholics. It was not the original source for the Al-Anon program. The original source of the Al-Anon program was the shared experiences of families and friends of alcoholics and their application of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Of course, as part of their personal recovery, Al-Anon members are always free to read any materials they choose outside of an Al-Anon meeting. Many find reading A.A. materials helpful in understanding the disease of alcoholism, but since time is so limited it is important to stick with Al-Anon materials in Al-Anon meetings. Those wishing to receive help in understanding the A.A. focus can usually find an open A.A. meeting.
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In sponsoring, I use the BB and the AA 12 x 12, just as my sponsor had me do. I also use Al-Anon books and pamphlets. The best explanation that I have for not using the BB or AA literature in regular Al-Anon meetings is that these are separate programs. The newcomer who comes to Al-Anon is generally in a lot of pain from living with alcoholism. It could be off putting and confusing for someone coming to Al-Anon to hear information about the "other" program.

I believe in singleness of purpose for AA and the same for Al-Anon. When I go to an open AA meeting, I don't share even when called upon. I am not an alcoholic. But I get a great deal from reading and studying and going to AA meetings. Hopefully this clarifies that we always cooperate with AA but we aren't AA.

I think that Lou's willingness to do service work and step up to do a workshop is a great thing. Each of us learns how the program works. I have learned much from the traditions and why they are important in guiding our relationships with others and in keeping each program "pure".

All is welcome here

Broken hearts and broken wings,
Bring it all and everything.
Bring the song you fear to sing.
All is welcome here.
And even if you broke your vow a thousand times, come anyhow.
We're stepping into the power of now
And all is welcome here.

I stood alone at the gateless gate
Too drunk on love to hesitate
To the winds I cast my fate
And the remnants of my fear
I took a deep breath and I leapt
And I awoke as if I'd never slept
Tears of gratitude I wept
I was welcome here
- Miten

There were three newcomers at the meeting last night. I was asked to give them a welcome to Al-Anon. I like to do that because it's important for them to hear that someone who was broken and had no song to sing, can now feel comfortable and at ease.

I literally ran into my first meeting because the address was wrong on the web site. I went to the old address which was in a housing project. I had no idea where the meeting was but came to the conclusion after wandering around for 10 minutes that it wasn't there. Finally, a lady popped her head out her door to ask me what I was looking for. I told her and she directed me to the Al-Anon meeting place that had been moved down the road a bit.

I didn't hesitate to get into the meeting. I didn't know what to expect. I carried my fears, my shattered dreams, my broken vows, my pain right into the room. And I found that I was welcome.

I can't remember whether I wept tears of gratitude at that meeting, but I know that I felt the tears inside. The gratitude came to me when phone numbers were given to me. And people told me to keep going to meetings because that was where I needed to be. I believed them.

I hope that the newcomers got the message that they are welcome. And the healing of their broken hearts and broken wings can begin.

The Fifth Tradition: Compassion

Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I really like this tradition. It's about compassion, being non-judgmental, willing, and sharing. This tradition has to do with our primary purpose. With this tradition, meetings stay focused on the primary purpose of helping families and friends of alcoholics.

This tradition also tells me that I have a primary purpose in my life: to express love, loyalty, family and unity in all that I do and to share this knowledge freely with others. I have a healthy purpose of helping others today, rather than trying to enable or control someone like I did before Al-Anon.

I can remember my sponsor suggesting to me that I could encourage and understand the alcoholics in my life by allowing them the dignity to make their own decisions. Understanding is something that has come to me over time. For so much of my life, there was no one to understand how I felt living with alcoholism. Now I am around people who understand, and by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others I gain not only insight about myself but others as well. And by going to open AA meetings, listening to speaker tapes, studying the Big Book of AA, I've been able to understand more about alcoholism--the physical craving, mental obsession, and spiritual malady. Because this tradition is about love and compassion, I am reminded that I needed to learn to love myself before I could truly love others, including the alcoholics in my life.

This tradition also mentions practicing the 12 steps which are my tools to recovery. I've learned to identify my character defects and face my resentments, make amends and move on. Working the steps has brought spirituality into my life. And by coming to trust my Higher Power, I've acquired serenity.

And as part of my recovery and this tradition, I do my part to help families and friends of alcoholics. I've been told to never say NO to an Al-Anon request. I step up to do my part, trusting that God will give me what I need in order to accomplish the task.

The bonus is -- when I am helping others, I am also helping myself get healthier by focusing on someone else instead of feeling sorry for myself. By reaching out to help and comfort others, I gain tremendous rewards myself.

A great part of this tradition for me is to welcome newcomers. I remember those who shared their phone numbers with me when I came to my first meeting. I called every single one of those people to thank them. And to say that I would keep going to meetings. They and many others made me feel that I was where I belonged. So I make it a point to offer my phone number to newcomers and make them feel welcome. I can share with those who ask for my help.Those who do not can be assured of my willingness to share should they ever be ready.They need not be judged or found lacking.

This tradition can also be applied in my life outside of Al-Anon. It is reflected when I have patience and understanding with others. I've always had empathy for others, but now I see how each person, regardless of circumstance, has something to offer.