Tuning out chaos and hate

I have seriously gotten to the point where I am sick of reading and hearing about politics in this country.  I once liked to listen to news, but over the past year I have tuned it out.  I don't even read the newspaper on a daily basis, but prefer to catch up when I can.  Nothing but the same old stuff to read anyway.  And the media are like vultures waiting for the next blood letting to occur.  So I am shutting it out.

I know that I don't have to be in the thick of political discussions, but no matter where I go, it seems to come up.  Even on a trail ride yesterday where there was so much peace, a friend started talking about Muslims and not knowing what had happened to their religion.  I kept my mouth shut.  I don't need to get into a conversation that is going to end up polarized.  And I know that I am not going to change any minds.

One of the good things about practicing the principles of Al-Anon is that I can use them as a guide to life outside of the rooms.  And now, more than ever, I am glad that I have those principles.  Things like "How important is it?", "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut", "Take what I like and leave the rest", "THINK", and "Live and let live" come to mind.  I can tune out the chaos and the hate.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been asked to sponsor another fellow who just began in Al-Anon.  He recently separated from his alcoholic wife and is having a hard time.   The same aspects of behavior that I had are there: guilt, shame, anger, fear, obsession, anxiety.  But I know that we can work through all of these together.  I have seen it happen a number of times.  A sad person becomes a powerful person.  Willingness and trust is all it takes for us to walk together in recovery over the next months.  He seems willing and trust will come.  More will be revealed as we move forward in the steps.

I am seeing signs of spring here.  The azaleas are blooming.  The garden is looking good.  This winter has been mild for which I am glad.  I am going on the boat next week. With temperatures in the 70's, it is time to get on the water.   I hope that you are all doing well.

Moving right along

The backyard landscaping project is coming along. The walkway and patio are installed, and next week the fireplace will be built. I am looking forward to having the first fire out there.  We have plenty of wood stored from the death of an old water oak in the spring.  Months later, we finally finished splitting and storing it.  

I was on the boat for a few days this week.  It was as windy as I've seen it and cold.  The boat was covered in salt spray so I gave her a good rinse down yesterday.  Thankfully, I was able to stay warm with the propane heater going and a heavy double comforter with flannel sheets. 

I have met with a new fellow I'm sponsoring several times over the last week. We are managing to get past the constant focusing on the alcoholic and are actually beginning to talk about what his actions are and how unmanageable his life is.  I don't know how it's going to go when I sponsor a new person.  Some are willing, some say they are willing but aren't, and some simply give up before any work is done.  So far this fellow appears to be willing to do the work. 

Trust is something that has to be established as part of a relationship between a sponsor and sponsee.  I can feel that trust is being established as we talk and share with each other.  I have been a trusting person all my life.  It's odd that only in recent years have I learned to be more discerning about who I trust. 

And I know that to a couple of people, I let them down.  They trusted me to be who they wanted me to be, and I failed by being someone else who was imperfect.  I have made amends to them for my part.  That's about all I can do. Maybe one of these days, the realization will come that none of us is without defects of character. 

In the mean time, I keep moving along in a positive direction.  Discussions with the landscaper today were about the plants that we are going to put in along the new walkways in the backyard.  Discussion with the new sponsee were about letting go of old ways and developing a new plan for living life.  The magic of growing. It all feels good to me.  

Flood tide in the heart

The latest tropical storm missed us, thankfully. We are getting some stiff breezes. A wind surfer was having a grand time whizzing by boats and kayaks yesterday. Three boats dragged anchor and were heading out the inlet but were rescued by others. Like most of the estuaries around here, the ebb tide dominates and flows out with tremendous speed. That and rip currents contribute to many drowning deaths every year. And alcohol is certainly a factor in boating accidents.

Luckily, this was a subdued crowd, with a lot of children enjoying the beach. We are waiting on the rising tide to get enough water depth to cross the sand bar and then head for home. The flood tide will take us home, carrying us over the shoals.

The wind howled all night, waking me up frequently to check that all was well. Several friends came and went during the day, stopping by to sit on the sailboat, get out of the sun, and have some lunch. Around 3 PM, we decided to take a nap and have some time to ourselves. It wasn't long though before we heard someone yelling, "Do you have any Grey Poupon? Hey, Grey Poupon!" It was a couple of friends who had their sailboat anchored up the inlet from us. We carry some Grey Poupon now for these moments, so I said, "But of course! Come on board."

He is a member of the fellowship too. We have made so many friends through AA and Al-Anon. I had none when I came in and now am grateful for the new friendships that have come about. The people who have my back are few, but I am grateful for those rare individuals who have held my confidences and shared theirs. Breach of trust is a terrible thing and difficult to undo.

“Now it’s high watermark
and floodtide in the heart
and time to go.
The sea-nymphs in the spray
will be the chorus now.
What’s left to say?

Suspect too much sweet-talk
but never close your mind.
It was a fortunate wind
that blew me here. I leave
half-ready to believe
that a crippled trust might walk
and the half-true rhyme is love.”
― Seamus Heaney

Secrets, trust and pain

I'm back from class. Another late night for me.  I wish that I didn't have to miss my home group meeting.  But only four more weeks to go before I'll be able to get back to the group.  I sure do miss the comfort of that group.

I haven't heard from a few people who I sponsor for weeks.  I have to say that I am not really disappointed, although I wonder at times what more I could do to keep the ones that either don't really get started in the program (stop at Step One) or those that stop at Step Four.  I give a few calls to check up on them, and then I have to let it go.

At first when I sponsored a fellow, I was much more of a brow beater.  I wanted them to work the program on some kind of schedule that suited me.  That was the control stuff coming up--do it in my time and on time.  Assignments given so that things could move along at a regular pace.  Now it is so much easier to let people go their own path until they are ready to come back.  That suits me much better than trying to force people to conform to what I think they "should" do.

I am much gentler with myself and others these days.  People will do what they will.  With those of us in Al-Anon, trust is a major issue.  And so often it is not easy to trust our secrets with others.  We've hidden them for so long.  It was a major step for me to connect with a sponsor, be rigorously honest, and share all my secrets.  What a load was lifted off my mind.  Sharing the pain, reduces it.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.  ~Jim Morrison

Walking away and diving for dreams

We had a nice afternoon, deciding to go to a movie with an early dinner afterwards.  The movie was Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the 2011 release, and was excellent.  I spent some time in Stockholm, so it was nice to see the old city with its narrow streets and cobblestones.  I have been in December when the snow was coming down in a blizzard, and the windows were lit by the Julstacke lights.

The movie had a lot of powerful scenes but perhaps the most disturbing was the terrible rape of the heroine, Elsbeth.  I had not realized that the author, Steig Larsson, had witnessed the gang rape of a young woman when he was in his teens.    Failing to help her,  he was haunted by the brutality of men against women.  We talked about that after the movie, both of us expressing that there are terrible people who are within our midst, perhaps that we know, who do awful, unspeakable things to others.

I also didn't realize that Larsson lived in fear of his life because of his anti-establishment views in which he sought to counteract the growth of the extreme right and the white power-culture in schools and among young people.  Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

And finally this sentiment:
“Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don't lift a finger for a lost cause.” ~Stieg Larsson

Walking away without sentimentality is one of the most difficult things.  How is it possible to not have some sentimentality, some grief, some regret?  I have too much sentiment,  I think.  I have found it easy to walk away in the heat of anger. That's the self-righteous part when anger fuels the feet and the mind to distance itself.  But, that fuel gets reduced to fumes when the reality of regret, sadness and great loss come in.  I would like to not lift a finger for a lost cause, but I am a sucker for them.  The underdog, the lost, the downtrodden have intrigued me for a long time.  It is a reason that I was attracted to alcoholics and the unmanageable life.  Sometimes you just have to trust your heart, dive for dreams,  and see where that leads you.


dive for dreams
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.


silently if, out of not knowable


silently if, out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing,wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if (spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars 

~ee cummings

Fitting together

Tonight, I drove out to the country to my home group meeting.  There were only three of us, but it doesn't matter because we seem to have plenty to talk about. Tonight a lady shared about her progress of being able to go to an annual party with her alcoholic husband and have a decent time without a lot of anxiety about his drinking.  She was amazed that she could get through the evening without feeling embarrassed.

I don't know that I could get through an evening like the ones we used to have at parties.  Al-Anon says that I can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  Somehow the happiness eludes me when someone I love is drunk and making an ass of themselves.  Maybe it's because I was totally sober.  My solution for big parties where there is a lot of drinking is to not go.  Or if I go, to leave when I start to feel uncomfortable.  The choices I have put me at ease now.  It's good to know that I don't have to feel bound to do something out of some kind of co-dependent obligation.

After just a few days of talking and emailing caregivers for the parents, we were able to find a wonderful couple who have accepted the position.  They are enthusiastic,  capable and up for the challenge.  All the concerns that we both had about finding someone weren't necessary.  Amazing how things fall into place.  As my sponsor would say, "The Higher Power likes to show off from time to time."

Tomorrow, we are going out on the water for another day of fishing.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful.  The moon was rising as I was driving home.  It must be the harvest moon because it was huge in the sky.  We are in the midst of a pretty time of year here.  The trees are colorful, the nights are cool, and the days are warm and sunny.  The tourists have mostly gone home so the beaches and waterways aren't crowded.

Today all seems to fit together in a way that feels good.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. ~Anais Nin

Some things I thought about today

Here are a few things that came to mind today:

Whenever I am confused about people and what they do or what they say,  I do my best to remember that they are imperfect and have shortcomings.

I don't often understand the decisions of others, but I will bet that most are predicated on either fear or ego.

People who decide to mind my business instead of their own must find me terribly interesting.  I wish that I felt the same way about them, but for the most part what people do doesn't surprise me anymore.

I know that words can hurt no matter how much I may say that they don't.  What's wrong with saying to someone who was mean, "I don't appreciate that"?

I sometimes feel like a nomad who is wandering and looking for a few kindred souls to join up with.  Some days I find them in the rooms of Al-Anon and other times, I feel like an alien who just arrived from another planet.

I can wish for others to be someone that they are not, but all the wishing is not going to make it true.

Being around someone that you truly hate eventually becomes like drinking poison in small amounts.  It makes you a little sick at first, but eventually the accumulation of all that poison will kill you in some way.  I am glad to say that I don't hate anyone.

I sometimes think too much about what makes others tick.  I need to wind my own clock and ignore the fact that they may be in another time zone entirely.

Trust is one of the hardest things to recover once it is chipped.  It doesn't get put back together well because there is a shift, ever so small, that cannot be completely mended.

If you have nothing good to say about someone,  what is the point in continuing to be around that person?  Surely, I would rather be around someone I liked than someone who vexed the hell out of me.

I stay up way too late and think way too much about topics for which I have no answer.  Good night all.

Saturday afternoon

We are out on the boat for the weekend, anchored behind the undeveloped island with the miles of pristine beach. I am still coughing from the cold that has been kicking my butt for a few days. But there is spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic simmering on the galley stove, and we just finished off a bowl of boiled peanuts so life isn't bad.

The weather has turned delightfully cool. A front came through last night dropping temperature to the 50's. It is such a change from yesterday when it was in the mid 80's.

The lunch with my sponsor was good. It was nice for a few of us to get together. Next week, we are hosting a little going away party at our house. He will be leaving on October 14.

The search for a local sponsor is over. I have asked a fellow that I have known since I came in to co-sponsor me. We get along, but I haven't developed the special connection that I felt when I met my first sponsor. Maybe the feeling will come in time. I also know how desperate I was at first to get better. I don't feel that terrible desperation now. Maybe I am looking for a substitute, and there isn't one. Each person is different. It takes time and a lot of trust to develop any kind of special relationship.

Well, the spaghetti sauce is ready. I am going to check the pasta, light a candle, listen to jazz, and enjoy being in this special place. Wishing you a good Saturday.

The casualties of alcoholism/addiction

Meetings and discussions this week with those I sponsor were about how trust goes out the window when alcoholism and addiction are front and center.  It seems that addictive behavior means having to say "I am sorry" over and over, until finally, those words are no longer meaningful to those who have been repeatedly hurt by believing them. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,  but it is also a disease of regret. As the disease progresses,  the emptiness of what has been lost is filled with regrets, "if-only"s and "could-have-been"s.  There are lots of casualties that occur with addictive behavior.  The truth is probably the first thing to be cast aside and squandered.  Not only does the alcoholic/addict deny the truth to himself, but as the disease progresses, lying becomes a habit.  Most who are active in their disease are practiced at lying in all matters related to the defense and preservation of the addiction.   Evasion, deception, manipulation, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.  The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the alcoholic/addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. I have heard and read a lot of sharings by alcoholics.  It seems that the disease protects and strengthens itself through being "terminally unique".  I also hear this in Al-Anon as well, from those who are convinced that their situation is different and worse than others.  Being able to reconcile behavior due to special considerations provides an explanation for the preservation of the disease.  The thinking may go something like this:  Under ordinary circumstances and for most people getting drunk  (or nagging) all the time is bad. My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people. I have more stress than most.  I feel anxious and down.  Therefore I need to drink (or nag) because of my special circumstances.  This is delusional thinking.  For the individual in the grip of addiction,  it all seems rational that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior don't apply to him at the present and must be bent or changed because of his special needs.  It is a charade that is often accompanied by a promise to get back on track as soon as the "right" circumstances permit.  This is the mindset of those who make promises to "quit drinking when my mind quiets down" or who say, "I have to drink because I have so many problems and can't cope", or that "I have the right to be angry because I live with a drunk." The behavior of being "terminally unique" is not believed after a while by anyone.  The same old song and dance over and over strains relationships.  It doesn't take long to reach the conclusion that the alcoholic/addict isn't to be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction.  I heard a lot of times that "this is the last drink".  It may be well-intentioned at the time but eventually the old behavior would return, the "terminal uniqueness" would take hold, and the excuses and alibis for continuing to drink would come up. This behavior repeated over and over does a lot of damage in relationships.  At the time, the promises seem sincere and probably are.  But as the promises are broken time and again,  the hope and joy gives way to bitter disillusion.  I think that Lois W. explains this well in her book about how she lost hope and was bitterly disappointed by Bill W.'s relapses.  How many times do family members ask: "If you really love and care about me, why don't you stop what you are doing?"  And most of the time the answer back is another promise to do better, or as the disease progresses, the alcoholic will point out the faults of those who are nagging him to stop.  This is the "the best defense is a good offense" maneuver.  The alcoholic thinks of himself as the victim of the unfairness of the family who are nagging about his drinking. The family may start to feel crazy with feelings of self-pity, resentment and fear.  Relationships totally collapse in the downward spiral of mistrust.   Those who keep trying to preserve a relationship with individuals who are in the throes of progressive addiction come to feel as if they are not as important as the bottle.  The "less than" feeling takes hold because the family begins to feel that the addiction is more important than they are.   And at the time, they are right. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are all part of dealing with alcoholism.  Sometimes these ultimatums work at getting all parties into recovery.  Or the pleas will fall on deaf ears. And the delusions continue that "no one is being harmed by drinking"; "I can stop at any time"; "drinking is necessary to deal with the crappy circumstances of life". Those who express concern are to be avoided and are often criticized.   Sadly, those who care about the alcoholic the most begin to feel crazy as the disease progresses.  Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame are just some of the feelings of those who live with active addiction.   Fear, anger, confusion and depression often result.  None of this is pretty.  There are times that I need to remind myself just how fortunate I am to have gotten help before I became a casualty of alcoholism.

Mixed bag of feelings

Today has been a mixed bag of things.  It started with my finding a dead baby raccoon.  I saw it last night when I went out to walk the dogs late in the evening.  The raccoon was near the feeders where I put down corn and other sweet feed for the squirrels, raccoons and opossums.  It was staggering around and not acting right. At one point,  the baby flopped over on his side and just laid there.  I thought perhaps it was sick, but thought that I would put out some salmon cat food for it to eat.  Sadly, this morning as I was walking around the house, I saw the little body hanging just over the edge of the watering pool that we installed for the critters during the recent drought. 

Good bye Captain Smith

After burying the raccoon, I came in to read the newspaper.  There on the front page was a story about a plane crash that happened near one of the islands that we go to on the boat.  The aircraft was a flying zodiac, a recreational ultra light.  Sadly,  the two people killed were the captain and first mate of one of the charter vessels that we have seen for several years at our favorite anchorage.  Just this past Sunday,  we waved at each other as he was anchoring near us.  He has an 18 year old daughter and a newborn son.  You just don't know.  One morning you get up, decide to have an adventure doing something you love, and fall from the sky. 

So after all this, I went to a meeting.  And miraculously,  I felt much better.  I think that I am not able to make sense of what happens in this world.  I don't have to.  I just do my best to live each day well.  And trust that there will be another day tomorrow.  As a blogger friend writes with her posts, "Every day matters." Yes, it does.

Fifth step

" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself." from Courage to Change

I am hearing one of my sponsees fifth step later today.  I find this to be so inspiring--the honor to be trusted to have someone confide in me.  I know that admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor confirmed that I not only had a lot of good in me but some bad as well.  I knew that after doing my fifth step, I could no longer ask God to forgive me for what I have done but will have to ask forgiveness of what I am about to do. 

I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself.  I realized that I wasn't a bad person.  I was beginning to feel what serenity really is. The journey of trusting my Higher Power and my sponsor became much clearer.  And I came to understand a feeling of humility that led me to much greater compassion and love.  

So we are going to go to the beach, sit on a blanket and just talk.  What a powerful thing to be surrounded by evidence of my Higher Power and to be sharing in the trust of another.

Listen and learn

It's another wild and windy day here. The Harbor had been whipped into a frenzy by strong north east gusts. It's another day to stay inside, sit by a fire, read a book and nap. But that's just in my fantasy today because I'm at work.

I'm glad that I got moving and went to the noon meeting. The topic today was "listen and learn". There were a lot of good shares. It seems that I hear what I need at just the time that I need it.

I know that I'm a good listener. In fact, I prefer to listen rather than talk. I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality.

Today I still listen, but I have a filter for the words. I believe that actions speak louder than words and that deeds provide the truth. I have learned a lot since being in Al-Anon. The words spoken in meetings are something that I can think about, try out, and see how they fit.

Every word that comes out of a person's mouth may have the intent of truth. I still want to believe what people tell me. But now I hear what's spoken and then see what my gut reaction is. I listen to the voice within. And when I'm out in Nature, I listen to the voices that God has provided. They speak through the wind blowing, waves crashing, leaves rustling, bird songs, and other sounds of God's creations. I hear more truth in them than I do in many human utterances.

A tough couple of days

I've had a tough couple of days. I don't want to go into specifics at the moment. I've had to look really hard at some behavior that has left me questioning trust of another person. I'm having a bit of difficulty with that level of trust at the current time.

After a bit of soul searching and some moments of doubt and pain, I realized that I need to just trust God and realize that he has a plan. That revelation came at me again and again yesterday.

I'm going to close with a simple gratitude list. It seems like the best way to end the day.

• I'm grateful for being able to push through some tough stuff and come out knowing that I will be okay.
  
• I'm thankful for the ability to be optimistic. It is a trait that has enabled me to put one foot in front of another many times.
  
• I know that whenever things seems difficult that I can turn to the God of my understanding who provides so much comfort. For that I am so grateful.
• I'm grateful to be able to come home and have it be a place of comfort.
  
• I'm thankful for a new sponsee who has decided that life doesn't have to be unmanageable.
• I have been too preoccupied with some drama swirling around that I haven't had time to check up on each of you. I realize that reading what you write fills me with gratitude.

I'll be on a trip to Rhode Island for a couple of days. I hope to post while away at a work meeting. Take care. I'm going to do my best to stay in the day and trust God.

The spiritual bank

"Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills all of our needs."

Blessed Mother Teresa's Prayer

My spiritual bank got a little low last evening. I let myself get sucked into an expectation that didn't turn out the way that I wanted. I let someone else start to fill my needs.

When that happens I remind myself of the prayer above. It is my favorite prayer. It reminds me that I don't need to rely upon the unreliable. It reminds me that I lack for nothing today.

Because of the program, I think differently than I used to. I have insights that have brought about healing of myself. I have a clearer self-image. Much of my self-doubt has been replaced with a new confidence.

I've learned to trust my Higher Power who takes me places and shows me things that have opened my mind to so many possibilities. I am grateful for my transformation that is a direct result of God's grace.

Even my failures and shortcomings are things that I can learn from. They keep me humble. I am learning to appreciate the journey. I have never been a quitter, although I've wanted to do so many times.

I have taken plenty of tests in my life. And I've been tested quite a few times. But I don't just want to get by; instead, I want to do the best that I can. I want to continue to learn and grow. I know that as long as I keep working the program and trusting in God's will, that my spiritual bank will help prepare me for the tests of life to come.

At face value

I have a new sponsee. He and I are getting together this week for the first time. I talked with him for a while last evening. I learned that he has worked the steps several times in another fellowship, yet doesn't understand the concept of powerlessness. He also was getting into some heavy stuff that seemed more like material for a session with a therapist.

In my interactions with sponsees I have to remind myself about what my boundaries are. I thought that the following was helpful. It came from a recent workshop on sponsoring.










Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (from AA Literature):

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you grow, to become more productive, by your own definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more free to continue becoming the authority of your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals, or tell you what is best for you in your world; you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend, yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lost trust in you, then I am toxic, bad, and inhibiting for you and you for me.
11. You must know – my help is conditional. I will be with you, hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are trying to grow.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be . . . mature adults, leaving childishness forever to little children.

I take people at face value. I am willing to listen and not judge. That can be a good thing and it can be something that leaves me vulnerable. I believe in the rigorous honesty of this program. I believe that it is important to look at my part in situations. That is some of what I offer to sponsees and to those who read this blog.

If things are not what they seem, as has been mentioned in several blogs lately, then I am not aware of what the reality is. I am still taking people at face value. Like I said, it can leave me vulnerable. And that's a tedious place to be.

sponsor-sponsee relationship

I wrote a couple of weeks ago that my sponsor has been away on a journey across the US to see the sights and to visit with children along the way. I have kept in contact, mostly by phone, although we have emailed some as well.

I am grateful for the relationship that we have. It seems that we are able to maintain a closeness and trust that seems different in some ways from what I've had with my sponsees. It seems that we are able to communicate and share opinions through thick and thin. Maybe my sponsor is a paternal figure to me. There likely is some "transference" there. Or maybe it's just the time that we have spent soul searching.

I am not a very paternal person generally. My approach with my sponsees has been to remain detached and yet available to them. I have to admit that it's not easy for me to ignore some of the personalities. I do think that I place principles above personalities with the sponsees. Often, all I can do is repeat the same things over and over trying to get the message across.

The will of individuals is a remarkable thing. Mine was broken when I came into the program. Through trusting another human being, I went to a meeting. And through the grace of my Higher Power, I found my sponsor. He has shown me how to keep the focus on myself and to know how to detach with love.

Those are valuable tools that have helped me in sponsoring others. And maybe those are the tools that are necessary in order to help a person in pain due to the effects of the disease of alcoholism. With each sponsee, I share my personal experience, strength, and hope. What has been different with my sponsor and me is that as time has gone on, we formed a bond that our mutual trust brought forth between two people who have shared and bared their souls.

I am not at that point with my sponsees. In all honesty, I feel compassion but am able to maintain detachment. So far, I have maintained a "stick by the rules in recovery" type of relationship in which we focus on the steps. Maybe I feel the need to protect myself from myself so that I'm not drawn into more co-dependence. As my sponsor wrote to me: "....Our basic co-dependence never goes away. It may diminish somewhat, but it's awfully hard to change a leopard's spots."

But when a sponsee decides to move on, I have felt sadness as they seemed to want to do the work but for whatever reason were drawn away. Some of these, I haven't heard from again. I reflect on that and how people move in and out of our lives without looking back. My relationship with sponsees is a little like that of a guide. I listen, share, and go about what we are there to discuss: the steps. I am not a professional step guru, therapist, parent, sibling, or child of - - - I am an Al-Anon member who has continued with my recovery by giving away something that was given to me.

The sponsor/sponsee bond is one that we can hold onto, allow it to grow, and simply let it 'go away' after enough energy has been expended. When a person leaves that special relationship, it usually has no personal meaning - - - it just happens.

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

The garden of love

The garden of
Love
is green without
limit
and yields many
fruits
other than sorrow
and joy.
Love is beyond either
condition:
without spring,
without autumn,
it is always fresh.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi

The garden of green is yielding a lot of lovely things right now. There's the heady smell of magnolia in bloom, honeysuckle, roses, jessamine. So many scents blended together and wafting from all parts of the yard.

The garden of love is yielding heady things too: acceptance, compassion, patience, and trust. Those are as sweet as any flower.

Enjoy your Saturday and all that it has to offer.

Step Five and trusting

"Some people seek an easier and softer way by doing a "general confession" to God alone. They are not about to name specifically the humiliating, "awful" things they have done out loud before another human being. But this act of specifically confessing things is what often leads to serenity. The more afraid you are to tell about a certain act or thought in your Fifth Step, the more likely it is that confessing that particular thing will put a new crack in your denial and free you in a new area. There doesn't seem to be an easier, softer way, and people who seek one apparently don't understand the tenacious and tricky nature of this spiritual disease we are facing. Step Five is to help us see, to grasp, to understand specifically how the disease has permeated our lives in ways we usually cannot see any other way."
- A Hunger for Healing, p. 91-92

Step Five is about trust and about forgiving myself. After I had done my third and fourth steps, I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. Yes, I had made bad decisions and had a ton of resentment. I knew that I had been deeply affected by alcoholism from childhood on. But I also came to realize that I could become whole again and manage to feel alive with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time.

I trusted my sponsor and what I heard in Al-Anon that I would have a joyous life if I would deal with my past. Serenity really began to enter my life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, I felt accepted and experienced true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.

I knew that I had been so lonely and crying out on the inside since I was a child. I just didn't know how to bring people closer to me. To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I have heard that we are filled with a huge hole in our psyche from alcoholism. Only God can fill up that hole.

So my sponsor and I agreed on a day to do my fifth step. We spent several hours one afternoon just talking. The program speaks of the "exact nature" of our wrongs, and I understood that I had to be exact and not hedge or be vague. I talked about my resentments, my anger, my insane anxieties. And the "exact nature" of my wrong seemed to point to my fear of rejection and abandonment.

I possess a large number of defects of character, the exact nature of which I have learned through getting down to the nitty-gritty and avoiding bland generalities like "I am selfish. I am resentful. I am dishonest".

I got a lot from doing this fifth step. By trusting another and my Higher Power, I felt a burden lifted and a release. I had finally told another person things that I had never told anyone else. And that brought a sense of freedom, tranquility, serenity, and peace within myself. I have gotten better self-knowledge--another term, as I see it, for humility. I have gotten a deeper, surer, more grateful sense of living.

Agitations

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' "
(p. 87-8 BB)

There's been some drama with sponsees lately. One that just started with me a week ago has had the hardest go of it. He is in turmoil from living with a crack addict and finally asked her to leave. He is starting to take care of himself, although the focus hasn't shifted yet from the addict to himself.

Another sponsee is working his way out of the darkness into the light. He is doing this because the quote from the BB above has started to make sense. (Note: I use the Big Book quite a lot with sponsees. There is so much that is applicable to those of us who have bad thinking and not bad drinking).

I see in both of these men the agitation and confusion that alcoholism has brought into their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to fight back when agitated. But this has only brought more suffering and damage to themselves. I found that agitation itself is dark. I can't sleep when agitated; I can't think clearly; I'm not spiritual--in short, I'm a mess.

I've taken something that someone has said to me and worried with it until I was beyond agitated. My mind will ask "What did they mean? What if they meant this? What should I do now?" I've projected and built up some scenarios that would likely never come true. But with my stinking thinking, I made them seem true.

But if I can just take a breath, pause, and quit re-examining some thought over and over, then I have a chance to get into the light. I can see that the light is starting to creep into the hearts and minds of these sponsees. I think when I was ready to be willing, to trust and to feel some gratitude, that's when I was able to move from the dark agitation into the light.

"When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move."
The Secret of the Golden Flower

If I reach for dark revelations,
they're always there to find,
But too often dark protestations
defend dark recesses found only in my mind.

Yin and Yang, dark and light interdigitate
in myriad, moving complexes so real.
I reach for the light to illuminate
and hide from the dark that I feel.
Jody Hopkins