When did I stop pretending?

I dropped all pretenses about my wife's alcoholism the last few months of her drinking. It brings back some bad memories. I would repeatedly ask her to stop which she would do for a while and then, the insanity would start again.

Finally, things got bad enough that I no longer cared. Her driving off from a party drunk, and leaving me to walk home was the final straw.

It took me a while to learn to keep the focus on me. That took a lot longer than continuing to blame her and others for my problems.

We had so much resentment after getting into recovery. We were civil to each other, but both of us were shell shocked. We both knew that each of us was hurting.

I always thought that an "I'm sorry about last night" would make me feel better. But it didn't because the behavior didn't stop. I could recognize that nothing was going to change with words. She really and truly meant it when she said that she was sorry and wouldn't do it again. And then the disease takes hold and is stronger than the person's sheer willpower.

Fortunately, I listened to what my sponsor suggested over and over. I didn't dwell on all the damage that was done. I did not want to pretend that nothing happened but saw no point in blaming and being mired in resentment.

I've learned that it's fine to speak what's on my heart so long as I don't have any expectations attached to the response. I ask myself "what is my motive?" when I want to speak my mind. That really got me to pause and examine whether I had a lot of unrealistic expectations attached to what I was about to say. If my motives looked anything remotely like "I want you to change so I can be happy" then I chose not to speak or to let it rest until the day I felt I could speak without the expectations attached.

I acknowledged the elephant in the room, looked hard at it, and got my self together so that it did not continue to ruin my life. Everyone's solution will be different. In the long run, we do what's right for us and helps us to get our life back under our own control.

What do you fear?

Awoke to brisk weather and a head cold.  Not the way that I wanted to start the day, but I can tell that I have been invaded by something that will sap a bit of energy for a few days.  My head feels heavy, but my spirit feels good.

Yesterday's meeting topic was on fear.  That one word seems to sum up so much of what is at the root of the human psyche.  What do I fear? Less and less.  I have written so much about this trait that seems to come in and undermine living.  I still have the abandonment issues, but I am moving through those by realizing that I will deal with things as they come.  No sense in following the old slogan of F*#k Everything and Run.  We can only run on far, until we are brought down by those jackals of fear.

There is a lot to fear in this world: bad people, bad economy, wars, famine, death, sickness--the list is long.  But at this moment on this day,  I have little to fear.  There are so many things that I am powerless over. Inviting them into my mind is pointless. All I can do is be aware, accept and take action on those things that I can change.

A newcomer to Al-Anon was sobbing because her husband is an alcoholic who is verbally and emotionally abusive.  I could sense the people in the room collectively sigh, breathing out empathy for this lady who faced her fear and came in.  Face Everything and Recover is what we are doing.  It takes time, but I could see the hope in her face as we each told her how glad we were that she was here.

She fears reprisal for being at a meeting, that her husband will yell at her, that he will be drunk, that she will never be happy.  All these things may happen, but there are other options, other plans that can be made to keep the focus on positive action.

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.  ~ John Lennon

What are your fears today?  Are you avoiding them, putting them off with denial?  Or are you facing them and realizing that there is power in self-awareness? 

More will be revealed

I took my mother-in-law for her doctor's appointment today.  In the car, she began to tell me about the tests being done on her husband, who is still in hospital.  I have written here before that he has cirrhosis of the liver.  The doctors are doing a liver biopsy and some other tests as well.

I asked her if she thought alcohol was a factor in his liver disease.  And she opened up to talk to me as she has never done before.  She told me that my father-in-law would go on binges for days.  She said that she has been called every name in the book by him, been yelled at and belittled.  She also told me that her own father drank.  And she said that he did not want her to marry another man who drank.

All of this came as a huge "Ah-Ha" for me.  I could understand her anger over the years, her need for a perfect house,  her changeable moods.  It all made sense to me when I knew that she was a kindred soul--an adult child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.

I have been around my mother-in-law for all of my married life.  Yet, I never had this kind of conversation with her.  She kept her distress from her sister and from close friends.  And she kept it for all these years from me.  Now, I see her through different eyes.  I feel a level of compassion for her that I have for newcomers who arrive in pain.

She has persevered through a marriage of over 50 years, carrying around a secret that so many of us, who are affected by alcoholism, do.  She told me that the reason she stayed in the marriage was because of her daughter, my wife. And that decision no doubt had its ramifications for C.  Probably, what she isn't aware of, is that she stayed for other reasons as well--hoping to change the alcoholic,  fear of abandonment, economic fears, pride, and a host of other emotions that keep us bound in an emotional prison.

I shared with her about my father.  I didn't mention my wife as I won't break her anonymity, even to her own mother.  I told her that I don't know whether my dad was an alcoholic but that I also had a lot of unresolved emotions carried over from childhood.  And I told her that I have learned to detach from the belligerence of others by physically removing myself.  She said that she tunes out her husband's yelling as best she can.

How I wish that she could have gotten into Al-Anon.  The conversation we had  made us both feel better.  As she put it, "We now know something about each other that we didn't before." How very true.  More will be revealed.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours. ~ Melody Beattie

What is real

I don't think that I intentionally wanted to paint a rosy picture of what life was like to others, but somehow in the darkest moments of living with alcoholism,  I made up a different kind of life that wasn't real.  I didn't want to let others know what my past had been like or what the present was like either.

I realize now that this was part of what alcoholism does--it makes me want to pretend that certain situations did not occur.  I can remember that I wanted others to think that my life was a neat package.  The pretend life had to be maintained.  But there would be times when it was impossible to put on a smiling face.  What happened at home could be covered up,  but what happened among other people in social settings was not something that I could hide.

People that I hadn't seen for a long time would say something to me about what a party person C. was.  Always they would bring up the drinking to me, as if I had some control over it, or as if it were something to smirk or gloat about.  I felt for so long that what the alcoholics in my life did was a reflection on me.  My perception of building a fantasy life, of lying about how things were going,  could not be maintained because others would point out the truth.  I didn't want to hear anything resembling the truth.

I can remember the resentment I would feel when someone would mention my wife's drinking in a disparaging way.  I would feel a lot of self-pity about my lot in life.  Why did I have to have this burden of living with people who shattered every fantasy?  How could I make others see what a wonderful person I married in spite of the drinking? So no matter what, I did my best to smooth things over, to make sure that everyone thought we were doing just fine,  never letting anyone know when I was vulnerable and hurting, never letting on what happened behind closed doors.  In an effort to hide reality, I lied and made excuses.

Inevitably, as time progressed,  I became more and more angry.  I wished for the death of the alcoholic.  I thought about killing myself.  I wanted a solution that would free me from the torment that I felt.  I still tried to pretend, but the pretending became harder and harder because something within me had shifted.  I felt cornered in a situation which seemed to not have a solution.

I find that the incredible thing about living with alcoholism is that I could not see any clear choices.  Nor could I see the role that I was playing in living a miserable existence.

I think that I began to see how pathetic things were when enough cumulative events happened that I was forced to realize nothing was going to change unless I was the one changing.  It was survival mode at that point.  I could no longer pretend that things were okay.

I knew that I had reached a low point where there was nothing but emptiness inside.  The reality of knowing that the person who I loved was incapable of showing me love hurt.  The reality of knowing that I had turned into a judgmental, pessimistic, fearful, bitter, and self-pitying person also hurt.  I had little joy in anything.  Every task was approached just to get something done. I took on extra work just so that I would be exhausted and not have to feel or think.  That was what the ultimate reality of alcoholism did.

I'm grateful for finally being able to look realistically at my life.  I heard others in Al-Anon meetings talk about what they were going through.  I could identify.  How could they know what I was feeling?  The more I went to meetings and worked with a sponsor, the more I came to understand that I was not unique in how I tried to cover up the truth.  Most of us don't want to face the fact that our lives are unmanageable, that we are not happy, and that something is terribly wrong in the relationship with an alcoholic.

Once the truth is spoken,  a dam of feelings are unleashed.  Fortunately, I've found that the feelings aren't anything to fear.  It is a great thing to be able to laugh at so many things now that used to make me sad.  It does take time to bring that joy to the surface.  But just being able to look at myself and the alcoholics in my life in a realistic and truthful manner has helped me to heal. 

Denial is a powerful tool. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision.

Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are.

Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.

Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.

When we can do that, we will be moved forward. ~ Melodie Beattie

The casualties of alcoholism/addiction

Meetings and discussions this week with those I sponsor were about how trust goes out the window when alcoholism and addiction are front and center.  It seems that addictive behavior means having to say "I am sorry" over and over, until finally, those words are no longer meaningful to those who have been repeatedly hurt by believing them. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,  but it is also a disease of regret. As the disease progresses,  the emptiness of what has been lost is filled with regrets, "if-only"s and "could-have-been"s.  There are lots of casualties that occur with addictive behavior.  The truth is probably the first thing to be cast aside and squandered.  Not only does the alcoholic/addict deny the truth to himself, but as the disease progresses, lying becomes a habit.  Most who are active in their disease are practiced at lying in all matters related to the defense and preservation of the addiction.   Evasion, deception, manipulation, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.  The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the alcoholic/addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. I have heard and read a lot of sharings by alcoholics.  It seems that the disease protects and strengthens itself through being "terminally unique".  I also hear this in Al-Anon as well, from those who are convinced that their situation is different and worse than others.  Being able to reconcile behavior due to special considerations provides an explanation for the preservation of the disease.  The thinking may go something like this:  Under ordinary circumstances and for most people getting drunk  (or nagging) all the time is bad. My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people. I have more stress than most.  I feel anxious and down.  Therefore I need to drink (or nag) because of my special circumstances.  This is delusional thinking.  For the individual in the grip of addiction,  it all seems rational that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior don't apply to him at the present and must be bent or changed because of his special needs.  It is a charade that is often accompanied by a promise to get back on track as soon as the "right" circumstances permit.  This is the mindset of those who make promises to "quit drinking when my mind quiets down" or who say, "I have to drink because I have so many problems and can't cope", or that "I have the right to be angry because I live with a drunk." The behavior of being "terminally unique" is not believed after a while by anyone.  The same old song and dance over and over strains relationships.  It doesn't take long to reach the conclusion that the alcoholic/addict isn't to be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction.  I heard a lot of times that "this is the last drink".  It may be well-intentioned at the time but eventually the old behavior would return, the "terminal uniqueness" would take hold, and the excuses and alibis for continuing to drink would come up. This behavior repeated over and over does a lot of damage in relationships.  At the time, the promises seem sincere and probably are.  But as the promises are broken time and again,  the hope and joy gives way to bitter disillusion.  I think that Lois W. explains this well in her book about how she lost hope and was bitterly disappointed by Bill W.'s relapses.  How many times do family members ask: "If you really love and care about me, why don't you stop what you are doing?"  And most of the time the answer back is another promise to do better, or as the disease progresses, the alcoholic will point out the faults of those who are nagging him to stop.  This is the "the best defense is a good offense" maneuver.  The alcoholic thinks of himself as the victim of the unfairness of the family who are nagging about his drinking. The family may start to feel crazy with feelings of self-pity, resentment and fear.  Relationships totally collapse in the downward spiral of mistrust.   Those who keep trying to preserve a relationship with individuals who are in the throes of progressive addiction come to feel as if they are not as important as the bottle.  The "less than" feeling takes hold because the family begins to feel that the addiction is more important than they are.   And at the time, they are right. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are all part of dealing with alcoholism.  Sometimes these ultimatums work at getting all parties into recovery.  Or the pleas will fall on deaf ears. And the delusions continue that "no one is being harmed by drinking"; "I can stop at any time"; "drinking is necessary to deal with the crappy circumstances of life". Those who express concern are to be avoided and are often criticized.   Sadly, those who care about the alcoholic the most begin to feel crazy as the disease progresses.  Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame are just some of the feelings of those who live with active addiction.   Fear, anger, confusion and depression often result.  None of this is pretty.  There are times that I need to remind myself just how fortunate I am to have gotten help before I became a casualty of alcoholism.

Blame shifting

Here is another email question that I received:
My alcoholic boyfriend likes to blame everything on me......everything and anything he can think of, and it really brings me down, very down...and eventually leads to further resentment of him...
I have a full bubbling boiling pot or resentment deep in me that poisons me and makes me angry, that leads to me being sad again because I hate being angry and resentful and bitter, which leads to negative thought after negative thought......it's a muck of anger and pain and hopelessness that is cyclic and doesn't go away. I am tied of being blamed.  I am tired of being angry.  Any suggestions?

Blame shifting is one of the most frustrating things about alcoholism.  It is done not only by the alcoholic but also by the person who has a relationship with the alcoholic.  Blaming is really about trying to get away from uncomfortable feelings.  If I blame someone else, then I don't have to look at what I am doing or admit that I am wrong.

In the situation you describe,  your boyfriend can keep deflecting blame back onto you, coming up with excuses why it is YOU or the rest of the world who has the problem, not him.  Blame shifting allows him to stay in his disease, tucked safely in his denial, so he doesn't need to ever work on himself.  One of the biggest hurdles in recovery is humility.  Those who work the twelve steps and are humbled will stop with the arrogant antics of blaming others around them.  

I am able to see the blame shift now for what it is.  Before when I was unaware of my feelings, I didn't know what was happening.  I would be blamed or I would start blaming.  It was an automatic response.  I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. 

Whether a person is alcoholic or not,  I don't think anyone likes to feel cornered or blamed.  The solution is to change my reaction when something bothers me and the blaming is right at the tip of my tongue.  I do my best not to react immediately if something bothers me.  I count to ten,  take a few breaths, walk away for a few minutes.  In short, I let it sit and figure out how I want to approach it.  I used to shoot right from the lip which generally caused a huge escalating argument.  But sitting with the feeling and pausing before reacting is not easy.  I am better at it some days than others, depending on where I am spiritually and emotionally. 

When I have sat with the feeling and something is still bothering me,  I will say how I felt when the event or situation occurred.  I don't say, "You made me feel like crap when......." but will speak about my feelings: "I felt angry when you yelled at me for ..........".  If he shifts the blame to you in the hot potato toss, which is a favorite game that alcoholics and Al-Anons play,  I would walk away and say, "It's how I feel." No further need for discussion. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say. 

Another thing that I have learned is that most of the blaming does not need to be taken personally.  I know that is really hard but blaming shifted to me isn't really about me.  What your boyfriend is doing is HIS to own.  It is his disease talking.  If I realize that I can separate the alcoholics in my life from their disease, then I am not as quick to react.  What I need to do is work on my own shortcomings and get better at detaching from the disease of alcoholism when it is in my face.  Good luck. 

Forest of trees

I heard someone share at a meeting recently that "In a forest of trees, I didn't recognize that I was a tree."  I clearly didn't have much of a grip on the things that were wrong with me, until I was able to stop the denial.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I could point out over and over what was wrong with the alcoholic.  I knew that she was the one who was making me unhappy.  I could not tell that there was anything wrong with me until the disease progressed.

And once alcoholism had me by the throat, I began to feel the stress, see the craziness, and figure out that something was very wrong with me.  I was out of control with anger, paralyzed by fear.  And that is what brought me to my first meeting. 

After working the steps in Al-Anon, I realized that I had been unhappy for a long time.  The unhappiness went way back, into childhood.  I did a lot of things to try to gloss over the pain of living around alcoholics.  I pretended to be happy.  I put on a brave face.  I did my best to persevere. I tried to gloss over the pain with work.  Finally, I was able to face my unhappiness and undergo some modicum of relief from my denial.  I felt what it was like to be a lone tree. 

Whereas my sole purpose in life was riveted on the alcoholics for so long, I was eventually able to refocus my attention where it needed to be: on me.  I began to find things that I enjoyed doing.  What a revelation to finally get a much needed reality check on denial.  

When I don't look at something that can and is affecting the quality and quantity of my life, then I am in denial.   When I avoid those "three fingers" of responsibility pointing back at me only in favor of aiming the other one out at someone else, I am in denial.  When I don't take appropriate action on something I need to take care of inside of me, that's denial.

As I have learned in meetings, I cannot run from this disease.  I have to stay rooted in my own truth, face whatever occurs, and yet be flexible enough to not break.  I am an individual who gets support now from others around me and know that I am not really alone anymore.

Breast cancer awareness

Everywhere I go in town there are shop windows with pink lettering and pink themes.  It is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  The explosion of pink makes me smile.  In one shop window, there are dozens of pink bras with the names of breast cancer survivors written on them.  This really brings things into perspective.

Breast cancer isn't a pretty disease.  Both my mother and my wife had breast cancer.  My mother was diagnosed when I was in graduate school. She had a radical mastectomy. I can remember the call from my father telling me that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I was worried for her.  Yet, it was inconceivable to me that my mother would die from the disease.  My most vivid memory of that time is going to the hospital to see her after the surgery and seeing the large bandage on the right side of her chest.

Yet, this tiny woman was upbeat and cheerful. She didn't seem worried or concerned. It was as if this was just a little inconvenience for her. She said that she would be up and going to a tea party in another week or so. And because of her attitude, I didn't worry about the outcome but felt assured that everything would be okay.

In my own selfish mind at the time, she had given me permission to go back to school and continue with my studies as if they were the most important thing in the world. And I left my mother to her own introspection about this disease.  I simply wasn't aware.  I didn't realize how difficult it was for her to cope emotionally and physically. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned how much my mother denied things. She was stoic in all regards and seemed so brave to me, yet in later life, she suffered from severe depression. I wonder now whether she ever had sleepless nights over the breast cancer diagnosis. I wonder whether her bravery was just a mask for denial.  Her brave front was just the sign that I needed to send me as fast as possible back to my studies so that I could sequester myself in my own controlled little world. 

Breast cancer came around in my life again when my wife was diagnosed several years ago. Once again there was a stoicism and optimism that made me think that things would be okay. She also had a mastectomy. She went through a long breast reconstruction process. And I know that she cried and was apprehensive. She voiced her worries. I can remember how she would interpret every ache as metastasis, how she would pour over breast cancer books, and how she would follow a number of blogs about the disease.

Finally, we talked about the fact that it might be a good idea to move on.  C. acknowledged that  focusing on the disease, the survivors and their stories, and the roll call of the dead may not be the best thing.  She decided to not limit herself because of the disease but to move forward.  But she also didn't deny her cancer as my mother did.  I saw in both these women how the disease can cause a lot of pain.  I think that after the diagnosis C. had a different perspective on life.  She was more aware of living.

There are a lot of brave women (and men) who have dealt with breast cancer.  They are courageous to me.  A team of survivors gets out on the water and paddles dragon boats every Wednesday and enters races.  Thousands turn out to run the Race for the Cure in a sea of pink. And there are those of us who run and give support to the cause anyway we can.  There was a fellow the other night who wore a pink shirt and pink socks to a meeting.

I wanted to write about this today.  Every time I see the happy pink in the store windows, I may smile. But I am also reminded to reflect on the pain, celebrate the courage,  and be thankful that my mother lived a long life after her diagnosis and that my wife is still cancer free. My gratitude is overwhelming.

I think that you know me

You know who I am. You're just pretending that I don't exist. I've been around you for all of your life.

I watched you cry when you were young. I saw the discomfort on your face. I once beat you for waking me up from a nap. I criticized you. I saw how you slipped away to a quiet spot, any place away from me.

I remember that you used to laugh and want to be around me. Then as awareness took hold, you became wary of me. You knew but were too young to fully understand what was happening and what I was doing.

As you grew up, moved away and began a life of your own, you saw the effects of my cunning in lots of situations. You saw people vomit, you watched them stumble, you heard them try to talk, to make sense when they were senseless. Yet, you held true to yourself. You didn't let me in fully or embrace me.

Then, you made a decision one day to live your life with one of my disciples. At first, you were in love, living a fantasy. Then the ugly truth took hold but still you didn't believe in my power. You simply thought that your own power was greater than mine.

I knew that I would beat you down. But it took a lot of years. You were strong and willful. You still believed that love would make a difference. What you didn't realize was that love isn't important to me. I'm too wrapped up in myself, I'm too angry, too filled with anxiety, too messed up to appreciate your love.

I liked to make promises to you because you so easily believed them. I made you sick at heart, sick in your soul. It took me years to do it but I succeeded in beating you down. I saw that I had claimed another victim.

And just when I thought that I had you totally in my clutches, you cried out that you needed help. You walked away from me and did what you could to fill your heart and soul with joy, gratitude, hope, and faith.

I still try to get to you. At times I succeed but now you have developed defenses against me. You have found a Power that is greater than you and than me. But just remember--I am waiting for you. I am still around. I look for a chink in your armor, a weakness in your soul. And I will claim you again if you aren't vigilant.

I think that you know me. My name is alcoholism.

All is well

All went well yesterday afternoon. I wasn't even a bit sore. There is a bit of a bruise and that's all. Nonetheless, I went home afterwards and actually slept for 3 hours. When I woke up, I was ravenously hungry but only ate a bowl of soup and some crackers. But that seemed just right.

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. One of the members of my home group called after the meeting to check up on me. I appreciated that as well. I also talked to my sponsor who I will see sometime this week at another meeting. He is home and getting back into the groove of things.

I'm sorry that I missed the meeting last night. It was on unacceptable behavior. I could write a book on that one topic. I won't do that but will write a post instead.

I put up with the unacceptable behavior of others and dished out my own unacceptable behavior in retaliation. I found it hard to change my attitudes and harder to draw a line in the sand that would be my boundaries.

I was on a merry-go-round. I kept going round and round with the alcoholic, and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me all the emotional stuff that I hadn't gotten at home and she couldn't. She was too sick, and I was also sick.

I was expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship that was abnormal. There was no way that I could get health from sickness, or get God to answer my selfish prayers to work a miracle on another. I was having problems with my own addiction to the alcoholic. Her drinking perpetuated her illness and my compulsion to make her stop or behave differently perpetuated mine.

The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." I found that I don't need permission to move my life in a direction of peace of mind and serenity. I don't need permission from the alcoholic or anyone else to change toward the better. I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know." Yet ultimately I owed it to myself to have dignity and a sense of self-worth. But that won't happen if I had continued a posture of "submission to a degrading situation."

I like having a boat analogy (surprise!). I found that I was missing out on a lot of life by waiting around for others to change. I was waiting for their boat to sail back into port. And in reality I didn't know if they were even on a boat. So I began to change my own behavior and quit waiting around for others to join me. Luckily my wife decided that she wanted to make her own changes.

It's up to me to get rid of my unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic may or may not do so. She may miss the boat entirely. If you're living with the disease, you can make changes anytime you like. Now might be a good time.

"I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me. " from Courage to Change.

"When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair? Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?" from One Day at a Time

A story inspired by Joshua

"I'm not scared anymore, but I do worry. I don't want to grow up without my Mom. I want to have her here with me forever. I asked her once why God let this happen to us. Know what she told me? She said that God knew we were strong enough to handle it." Joshua

I followed a link to a blog about Christina's struggle with breast cancer. On her blog, she has a post written by her son Joshua. Joshua is a brave young man who has had to deal with fear about his mother's cancer. Yet, he found a way to work through that fear with the help of his family and his own positive attitude.

Reading about Joshua brought back my experience with my own mother and my wife who both had breast cancer. My mother was diagnosed when I was in graduate school. She had a radical mastectomy. I can remember the call from my father telling me that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I remember being worried for her. I remember how we went to see her after she had the surgery and that the right side was bandaged.

Yet, this tiny woman was upbeat and cheerful. She didn't seem worried or concerned. It was as if this was just a little inconvenience for her. She said that she would be up and going to a tea party in another week or so. And because of her attitude, I didn't worry about the outcome but felt assured that everything would be okay.

In my own selfish mind at the time, she had given me permission to go back to school and continue with my studies as if they were the most important thing in the world. And I left my mother to her own introspection about this disease.

It wasn't until much later that I learned how much my mother denied things. She was stoic in all regards and seemed so brave to me, yet in later life, she suffered from severe depression. I wonder now whether she ever had sleepless nights over the breast cancer diagnosis. I wonder whether her bravery was just a mask for denial. And that her brave front was just the sign that I needed to send me as fast as possible back to my studies so that I could sequester myself in my own controlled little world.

Breast cancer came around in my life again when my wife was diagnosed several years ago. Once again there was a stoicism and optimism that made me think that things would be okay. She also had a mastectomy. She went through a long breast reconstruction process. And I know that she cried and was apprehensive. She voiced her worries. I can remember how she would interpret every ache as metastasis, how she would pour over breast cancer books, and how she would follow a number of blogs about the disease.

Finally, we talked about the fact that it might be a good idea to move on. And that focusing on the disease, the survivors and their stories, and the roll call of the dead, may not be the best thing. Maybe that was the role model that I knew from my mother--just take a peek at this once in a while but keep the monster out of sight as much as possible.

Anyway, Joshua's story has made me realize that I needed to write about this. I needed to look back at those times, examine my thoughts, and be thankful that my mother lived a long life after her diagnosis and that my wife is still cancer free. My gratitude is overwhelming.

It'a an inside job

There's a new blogger around: Little Miss Sunshine. If you get a chance, stop by and give her a welcome. Caper's story is similar to mine in that she is married to an alcoholic, put up a happy facade, eventually hit her emotional bottom and has now decided to get her life back and live it.

One of the things that the title of her blog brings to mind is that the happy face we put forth to the world masks a mess underneath. I've always liked the saying that "Happiness is an inside job". But one of the challenges in recovery is to understand how to go about fixing my inside so that I am able to feel the happiness that I know is buried within.

I've read something in one of the on line forums that it's best to "live life, and allow happiness to find me", as opposed to trying to pursue happiness. This is a lesson that is starting to finally make sense to me. I believe in the words, but sometimes have difficulty in actually applying them to my everyday life.

And another truth that I have come to accept is that we really do control our attitudes, outlook and ultimately happiness based upon the perspectives that we bring to things. So basically my inner world has a lot to do with what happens externally and my thoughts and emotions have a huge effect on the course of my life.

Here are some truths that Brenda Ehrler discovered during recovery and highlights in her book Learning to Be You, It's an Inside Job:

• I was contributing to unhealthy behavior
• I needed recovery and healing
• My own beliefs have prevented me from achieving joy
• If I don't feel love for myself, I can't give love
• I have the power to change beliefs that no longer work for me
• My thoughts create my experiences
• I have control of my thoughts
• I have no control over the actions of others
• Everything works together for a purpose
• Discomfort does not go away, it becomes an adventure

I like the idea that the discomfort that I feel can be viewed as an adventure. And another way I can think of this is that my life is a path waiting to be journeyed by an explorer. Through the program I am now following a path and embarking on a journey to find the truth about my own being.

Aches and pains

I went to get a few x-rays of my right knee this morning. I've had some problems with it over the past several months. It "catches" at certain times and then I have to hobble around. The doctor thinks that there might be a piece of loose cartilage roaming around and that I may have OCD. And that's not obsessive-compulsive disorder either, although I have thought that I've had that at some times in my life too.

So when I went to get the x-rays, the technician asked me to hold a plate behind my knees so that they could get a good shot of the patellas. I complied but was wincing in pain because my rotator cuff on my right shoulder is inflamed or irritated or is doing what rotator cuffs do when they have been traumatized. Thankfully, it isn't torn as I can still move my arm. It hurts the most at night when I am lying down which is a bummer since the discomfort wakes me up a lot during the night.

And then there is the tendonitis in my elbow and the pain in my lower back issue and the muscular inflammation that presses on the sciatic nerve. Fortunately, that's not flaring up right now but is cutting me some slack.

I think that just about takes care of all my aches and pains at the moment. I have medication to take which I don't because it completely makes me comatose. I take a couple of ibuprofen every other day. I just don't like taking drugs. And maybe I'm in denial to these aches and pains.

What I dislike the most is not being able to do all those things that I used to do without hurting. I've had to cut back on my rowing due to the rotator cuff. And hauling in the sheets on the sailboat doesn't do much good for the tendonitis. Yet, I keep doing these things. It's gotta be denial.

I like the advice my doctor gave me. If you get a sharp pain that prevents you from moving a body part in its usual range of motion, that's not good. And be vigilant with body parts you've injured before. And if a body part looks deformed, you definitely need medical help. Say what???

Hotline

I've been taking some of the calls coming into to our district Al-Anon Information Service. Thankfully, most of the calls are queries about when and where meetings occur. Occasionally though, there are calls that require something a bit more than a meeting list.

Last night, I talked for about an hour to a lady who was struggling with her addicted son. She told me the story of how her son had been in and out of rehab, had lost jobs, and was now in a mid-western city following a binge and subsequent loss of a new job. He had been calling her for two hours to ask her for money, to tell her he was hungry and on the streets, and to scream at her for not helping him. She said that the last straw was when he called his 18 year old daughter at her college to ask her to send him $100.

Today, I talked to another lady whose son is an alcoholic. She told me that he was highly functional with a good job. He has been living with her and his 14 year old daughter doesn't want to be around him anymore because he has become "mean". She corrected me when I called alcoholism a disease. She said that it's an addiction. She said that she didn't really think she needed help but her son did.

I've listened to people weep, rail and question why. The main message that I get is that these people want to "fix" their alcoholic/addict. They often aren't even aware of how badly they themselves are hurting. They don't understand the concept of being powerless. And they are in denial about their own problems resulting from someone else's alcoholism. I hope that they go to a meeting and that the message of the program will get through to them. That's all that I can do.

Relatives

I'm heading off tomorrow to visit some relatives in another state. I'm not particularly looking forward to this visit for several reasons. First, my cousin who is my closest living relative and who has been more like an older brother to me has terminal brain cancer. He has beaten the odds and is still living after two years from diagnosis; however, the quality of his life isn't good. The disease has reduced him from being a witty, bright, athletic person to someone who can't walk, has difficulty speaking, and doesn't make any sense when he does speak. So, I'm not sure whether this is going to be the last time I'll see him but I am sure that it will be difficult to see him as he now is.

Another difficulty of the visit is his wife who has turned to spirit healers for help. The healers have told her that five dead neurosurgeons are visiting my cousin and are working on his brain to restore it. They have replaced the plate in his head with a purple glowing shield. I am glad that she is consoling herself in some way but this all seems like huge denial to me. She has also decided to completely give up living a life and spends her entire day caring for my cousin. I will definitely have to practice my slogan of "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut" around her.

I've had generally crazy relatives. On my father's side, there were the alcoholics and on my mother's side there were the depressed people. I'm lucky that I don't drink and that I haven't had to be hospitalized for depression so far. Hopefully, I'll escape having to visit any of the remaining ones that are around as this visit is primarily to see my cousin. I'm sure that seeing him will be difficult but I feel a lot of compassion for him. I'm hoping that my HP gives me strength to get through this visit.

Acceptance

I was listening to a couple of birthday sharings last night at the meeting. One person spoke about wanting to experience unconditional love, yet she didn't know how to do that. She said that she was blocked by fear. Her husband is currently not in AA but has slipped and is actively drinking. She was in a lot of pain as she talked about how she felt defeated.

It reminded me of how hard it is to have a brain dump of all the stinking thinking that qualifies us to be in this program. I've talked about my "qualifier" but really we are our own qualifiers because it's the stuff that is running around in the grey matter that qualifies us to be here. That's something that I need to remember because when I feel good and start thinking that I can handle things, then I'm opening myself up to take a slide back into the old way of thinking that made me crazy.

The alcoholic and I aren't that different. I just chose not to drink but have fears, worries, anxiety, resentments and all the other stuff that makes life hard to live. Thankfully, since being in Al-Anon, I'm learning acceptance is a much better path to go down than controlling and denying. I feel acceptance that my past existence was warped. I've found something new that's enabled me to let go of the past a little more each day. I've come to accept that I'm not in a model relationship nor ever will be. If I continue to work the program, I can only get better which is all that I can control. I've come to accept my shortcomings and through awareness am working to not hold onto them forever.

Being in the program and accepting who I am has opened up a lot of possibilities. They seem exciting to me now and not nearly as daunting as they were when I first started with Al-Anon. The pieces of the puzzle that is me are starting to fit without forcing. It's a big damn puzzle though and I'm not sure that all the pieces will ever fit together to form a beautiful scene but I'm okay with that. Now If I can just get all those cloud pieces figured out.....

Humility

Today, I'm waking up to a crisp Easter morning. There's a lot of sunshine and the wind has calmed down from yesterday's stiff breeze. Looking at the water and waves reminds me of my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things. I guess that I'm feeling particularly humble and grateful today.

I've read that humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less. It is letting go of the pretenses and defenses that have been put in place. I was a master at putting on a brave face. Even if I felt like crap, I would pretend to be strong and okay. What I've learned is that I want to be real and to hide nothing, neither the good nor the bad. I'm willing to acknowledge that there are many things that I need to learn and that I have many miles yet to go. I'm grateful to be on the journey.

Mother Theresa obviously knew precisely what humility meant when she said, "If you are humble nothing can touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are."
I hope that each of you has today as one that finds you at peace with yourself.