Just checking in

It's been a long time since I posted anything here.  For some reason, I was thinking about the blog and that I needed to show up here. 

First, all is going well with us.  We are a bit older and have the aches and pains that go with staying active.  All is going well with the boat, two horses, a new dog, cats, and the garden. Life in the country continues to be good.

We are both still in recovery.  My wife celebrates 13 years of sobriety tomorrow.  I have my Al-Anon anniversary on August 13. It is a way of life that keeps us filled with much love and respect.  I go to healthy meetings and do service work. I lead a balanced life between community, recovery, and home.

I am involved with some community issues, especially those about social justice.  South Carolina is a backwards state with much that needs to be done in education, health care, racial and economic justice.  Sometimes it is tempting to want to move to a more enlightened state, but this has become home.

I think that I might want to start a closed group on FB that would provide a better way to stay connected. Maybe I will, but the nastiness on social media is not something that I like.

I hope that you are doing okay.

An acknowledgment

I'm sure that some of you have been in a situation where you want to say "hello" to someone at a social gathering only to wait an interminable length of time before you're even recognized as standing there.  I recall a couple of those awkward moments.  The most memorable was when I was a young professional at a social gathering.  I saw my first thesis advisor and went over to say a few words. She was really a "star" in her field--the equivalent of a rock star in science.  My first published paper, in a highly prestigious journal, was inspired by aspects of her work.

Eventually, I decided to leave the main campus and transfer to the school of marine science where I completed my M.S. and Ph.D.  This meant that I no longer had her as my major advisor.  But we parted on friendly terms and years later, there she was.  I stood politely while she was talking to someone, waiting my turn to say "hello".  I stood there for over 15 minutes without so much as a eye flicker of acknowledgment of my presence.  I felt hugely uncomfortable and small as time dragged on.  Eventually, I began to inwardly fume.

In hindsight,  it was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away.  I stuck around, feeling as if I were a bother, and was critical of myself while building a resentment towards her.  That situation taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the inflated ego of someone.

Sadly, I've seen this kind of behavior at meetings as well.  Newcomers show up and seem to stand off at a distance, not really knowing what to do.  Or they may flee from the room quickly so that they don't interact with anyone.  It's hard to walk through the doors into a complete room of strangers and admit that you have a problem related to alcoholism in a loved one.  I know that I was sensitive to the critical scrutiny of others and worried a lot about being judged when I first started in Al-Anon.

I remain uncomfortable around people with inflated egos.  I like to introduce myself to newcomers and welcome them before or after the meeting.  I appreciate anyone who is genuine.

This week is my seventh Al-Anon anniversary.  I passed it doing what I wanted to do most--go out on the boat.  Next Monday, I will share my story at my home group.  I don't know what I'll say but hope that it will be something that is encouraging to those who are looking for comfort.  I feel a great deal of humility about where I am in life.  I'm happy to not be engrossed in self so much that I don't remember what it was like to first walk in the rooms, to be the newcomer, to be the one wanting to find a friendly smile and an acknowledgment of hope.

Honoring my self

It is cold and raining here.  We have a fire going which I'm sitting next to and typing out this post.  Having a good fire is comforting, reawakening some primitive part of us humans.  And the fall colors are incredibly vivid for this part of the coast.  I drove down our road yesterday and was struck by the trees and the leaves falling gently to the ground.

Yesterday was the men's meeting.  We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.

We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years.  For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic.  Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.

And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold.  Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility.  So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do.  I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm.  I talk with her about my dreams and wants.  I share my feelings with her and don't hold back.  That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.

I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered.  Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think.  It is an ongoing process.

The Lowcountry where I live

Mark asked about the name Lowcountry which is the area where I live along the southeastern coast.  The name is both a geographic and social identifier. The geographic area extends from the mid-lands of South Carolina to the coast.  Much of the land is at or near sea level, hence the term "Lowcountry".

If you fly over this coastal area what you will immediately notice are the marshes and dendritic meandering tidal creeks.  The tidal range here is around 5 feet, and when the tide goes out,  the marshes and mud flats are devoid of water.  The dark mud on the tidal flats is sticky and thick and is known as pluff mud.  It's often a revelation to those new to the area when they get out of a boat and sink up to their butt cheeks in pluff mud.  In fact, there is a bumper sticker that says: "Pluff mud: You never forget your first time".

Rolling in the pluff mud

The land is low with cypress bogs, marsh hammock islands, roads canopied by live oaks whose arching limbs are shrouded in silvery clumps of Spanish moss. But it's the omnipresent water—tidal marshes, rivers, estuaries, and the Atlantic Ocean—that really marks the culture of the region and makes it so distinctive.

On the sea islands such as the one where I live, there is a large African-American population.  Many are descendants of slaves who speak the old Gullah dialect which is "an English-based creole language containing many African loanwords and significant influences from African languages in grammar and sentence structure. Properly referred to as "Sea Island Creole" the Gullah language is related to Barbadian Dialect, Jamaican Creole, Bahamian Dialect, and the Krio language of Sierra Leone in West Africa. Gullah storytelling, cuisine, music, folk beliefs, crafts, farming and fishing traditions, all exhibit strong influences from West and Central African cultures." (from Wikipedia).


Among old timers, it is still possible to hear this wonderful language.  Here is a sample of the Lord's prayer in Gullah being spoken and written:

Baskets made by the Gullah out of pine needles and sweetgrass

 For many people in the Lowcountry, shrimping and crabbing are still actively a way of life.  More people have moved here from "off" because it is possible to buy waterfront property on deep water.  Some of the islands have become gated communities and resorts.  I'm glad to live on an island that still has the old ways and hasn't become a resort.

Shrimp boats coming in after a day on the water

Out here, you either stick it out or you find that having to drive 10 miles to get to a grocery store is a pain.  This island has a lot of churches and a couple of country stores.  There are no stop lights, no Wal-Marts, no commercial development.  Farming is still done on the island, with tomatoes being a big crop. The island is also home to the Charleston Tea Plantation and Irving House Vineyards.  Irving House markets Firefly Vodka which is vodka mixed with sweet tea.  And there are a few shrimp and fish docks that process seafood.

More and more people are coming to the Lowcountry because of the laconic life style, the beauty of the marshes and rivers, the architecture, the history, the art, the food and the southern hospitality.  So far, the island where I live is still unspoiled--close enough to town to get to great restaurants and "culture" but far enough away that most people don't want to move here.  That's a good thing.  Mine is a love affair with this place.

Sunday being

The much hyped cold front kind of fizzled out here.  There were a few drops of rain last night but not enough to amount to much.  The humidity is the killer here today--89%.  Working on the boat yesterday was doable because of the breeze.  Otherwise, it would have been miserable at the marina.

Fall is my favorite time in the Lowcountry.  It just takes its sweet time getting here.  And the secret is that when it does arrive, the tourists have mostly left, there aren't long lines at restaurants,  the beaches are not crowded, and my favorite anchorages are all but deserted.  

My days have been messed up because of going on a mid-week cruise on the boat.  For some reason, it felt like Friday was Monday.  I even drove to meet a fellow I sponsor on Friday and was surprised that he didn't show up.  That's because we meet on Monday!  Today, I've finally gotten back to real time and know that it's Sunday.

Some neighbors at the marina got married yesterday on the beach of the island that I go to almost every week.  Last night, we were supposed to go to the reception on their boat.  These folks are heavy drinkers.  We started walking over to their boat and heard all the celebratory commotion.  My wife put her arm on mine and said, "Do you really want to go over there?"  I told her that I didn't but would go if she wanted to.  We both decided that we weren't in the mood for the party.  Instead, we walked back to the boat and sat on the dock enjoying the breeze.  It seemed a much better way to spend our time together.

We don't have any special plans today.  Maybe we will start packing up the dishes in the kitchen because everything has to be removed before the new cabinets go in.  Maybe we will drive to the beach or boat.  Maybe we will take a nap.  Maybe we will......The possibilities are endless.  It's Sunday and a good day to just be.

One to go

Well, I have emerged from the long tunnel of studying today.  I passed all the exams for Captain with high scores and will be turning in my paperwork to the U.S. Coast Guard after completion of the Master's exam.  I've heard that one isn't hard.  But I will go over the material and take the exam next week.  I have completed the qualifications to be an operator of uninspected passenger vessels (OUPV).  Hopefully,  I will add Master to that over the next week.  Then all the paperwork gets submitted, and I will be officially licensed.

I feel as if my focus has been to study, work on the garden, take a few breaks to chill with my wife, and go on the boat.  I simply have not felt like blogging.  The break from blogging feels good.  I may continue to take breaks because frankly there is much more that I want to do than sit at the computer so much.

I will catch up on blogs though and leave comments.  I want to know what you have been doing.  But my story seems to be one that has become repetitive.  I am involved in as little drama as possible.  I don't have to deal with issues at work.  I concern myself with gardening, sailing, meetings of Al-Anon, and what little family I have.  Most of the time, my existence is simple and care free. I miss those who have died and think of them often.  But I am grateful to still be living and healthy.

I learned over the past few weeks that I didn't suffer bad withdrawal from blogging.  Instead, I felt a relief that I didn't have to write the same stuff over and over.  I am at peace with who I am, flaws and all.  And I am relieved at the moment that I can go to a dinner meeting tonight, maybe stay up late and watch a movie, and not have to open a text book to study.

We are off on the boat for the weekend.  Time for some fun!

Odds and ends

Just a few tidbits from the last 24 hours:

• The personal trainer at the gym decided he was concerned about my soul and spent about 20 minutes trying to save me.  He is a good kid.  I appreciate his caring about what happens to me when I die.  After listening to him, I said that I would like to talk about deltoids, quadriceps and other muscles.  I thought that my soul was in safe keeping for the day. 

• My wife and I have been leaving each other little notes and cards around the house.  These are love notes and turn up in funny places. 

• Went to a meeting downtown with a friend in the program. He is a person that I know I can call and talk to at any time.  We didn't dare look at each other when someone said that the Twelve Concepts which are guides to service in Al-Anon could be political or religious in nature and shouldn't be discussed in a meeting.   

• We were presented a burgee yesterday by the local cruising club for our participation on a lot of cruises.  Seems we are on the water a lot, but not nearly as much as the speaker who logged 1300 miles on a voyage from St. Thomas back to his port here.  Oddly, they had to motor 75% of the way because of no wind.  

• The wood workers finished up the doors to the companion way last evening. They are beautifully done in teak with smoky Lexan panes.  All I can think is: "Pimp this ride" as we head out to meet up with other cruisers this weekend.  

• Went out last night to listen to a friend who was playing at the Shrimp Shack.  He rocked the place with great blues.  The Shrimp Shack got its name from 3 things: 1) the owner, 2) what's served there, and 3) the type of building where it's located.  We had a great time, but didn't get home until after 1 AM which seems late to be on the town anymore. 
• A couple from the marina were at the Shrimp Shack and asked for a ride back because they were drunk.  They rode in the back of the truck huddled under blankets.  This brought back memories of my falling into the river after drinking a bottle of MD 20/20 back in the day.  I slept it off in the back of a friend's pick up truck that was filled with hay and horse blankets.  We both looked like hung over hay seeds in the morning. 
• Getting packed for the cruise this weekend: a pair of shorts, a couple of tee shirts and I'm done. My Occam's razor when it comes to packing--as little as possible.  Wishing you a simple and good Friday. 

Good questions

Well, I received more questions after the "deadline" and will answer those soon. I hope that you will visit Lou at Subdural Flow II, Mary Christine at Being Sober, and Ron at An Addict in My Son's Bedroom to ask them questions, also.

I said that I would say what the "winning" question was. That is difficult. I will say that the one that was most thought-provoking and that you made the most comments about was that asked by Irish Friend of Bill. It's easy to think unkindly of alcoholics because most of us have been hurt in some way by them. So to be asked to look at where they do themselves a disservice made me mindful of my part too. And I am not devoid of self-centered ego. So to write an answer that balances my part with the inventory of the alcoholic was tricky. I felt a huge "Whew" escape my lips after reading Irish's question. So, Irish, I will be sending you a gift of appreciation.

One of the things that I learned from your comments is that Al-Anon WSO will be publishing a book on Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships. Here is what WSO wants to include:
"The 2011 World Service Conference gave conceptual approval for “a new piece of literature on intimacy in general, including sexual intimacy, in alcoholic relationships.” The Literature Committee is seeking sharings from Al-Anon/Alateen members for possible use in this piece.

Alcoholism is an illness that warps and seriously damages our ability to form and maintain intimate relationships. In recovery, we find many ways to connect to others, and learn to replace fear of intimacy with a healthy set of boundaries. We hope this piece can reflect the wide variety of experiences our members have faced regarding intimacy, in many different types of relationships. Intimacy takes many forms, including emotional, physical, and spiritual. Sharings do not need to be limited to sexual intimacy. However, we do want this piece to cover issues around sexual intimacy more thoroughly than any other previous Al-Anon literature, without being either too vague or too explicit and offensive. Please share your struggles as well as your successes.

Intimate relationships, or the lack of them, can be connected to feelings of shame, insecurity, fear, and guilt. Other topics that could be covered in this piece include sexual compulsion, abuse, infidelity, and promiscuity, as well as hope, trust, safety, joy, emotional and physical closeness, and a sense of feeling cared for as well as supported.

Some questions to consider:
• How have the dynamics of the family illness of alcoholism affected my perceptions of all types of intimacy, including sexual?
• To what extent, if any, do I accept responsibility for the loss of intimacy in my relationships?
• In what ways have issues of intimacy within an alcoholic relationship affected my other relationships?
• When, if ever, have I used sex as a substitute for real intimacy? What was the result?
• How did I feel when someone I cared about tried to use sex to control or manipulate me? How did I feel
when I did the same to others?
• Describe the impact that issues of self-worth or other character defects have had on my intimate
relationships with my Higher Power, the alcoholic, family members, friends, or myself.
• How has building a relationship with my Sponsor and learning to trust helped me expand my capacity
for intimacy?
• What other Al-Anon tools have I used to rebuild trust and intimate relationships?"

This should be a good read! And it is a topic that needs to be written about and discussed. I am submitting several of my writings to it. I hope that you will consider doing the same.

A few answers to inquiring minds--Part 2

Here is part deux of the questions you asked.  Whew--good stuff.  Do I really have to pick a winning question?  Let me think on this.  I'll post the "winner" on Friday.

Anonymous said... I guess my question would be what is the thing that has most helped draw you and C. closer and keep you guys together? How did you reach the decision to stick it out?  I just want to know from an Al-Anon perspective what I can do if anything beyond what I am doing in my step work to rebuild the love and trust and to be supportive of his feelings. I have been very selfish in the past and he has been through hell and back with me.

Once my wife decided to stop drinking and go to AA, and I went to Al-Anon, we were able to start anew in our relationship.  It was difficult at first.  There was a lot of resentment for her and for me. But we were able to put a lot of the past behind us.  I knew that we loved each other still, but the matter of trust had to be resolved.  I know that we have commitment to each other. The best thing that I have found is for us to spend time together but to also do separate things that we enjoy.  I don't obsess or hover over her.  By working the steps, I came to see that the old part of our marriage was over, but that it was possible for us to have a different relationship than before, one that wasn't co-dependent.  

Mary LA and Ellen asked....What is the single most important thing we can do to save our oceans?
I think that reducing our carbon footprint and reducing energy consumption are the most important things to do.  Anything that can be done to not use fossil fuel will help.  Recycling, not using plastic, using alternative means of transportation, keeping thermostats at reasonable levels will all help.  

Pammie said... 1. Does C. know about/read your blog?
She does know about it but doesn't want to read it. 
2. Is there a sound of a clock ticking in your house? (some of your pictures suggest that you have a grandfather clock lurking somewhere with a continuous ticking.)
Yes, there is an old clock that belonged to my paternal grandmother. It is ticking away...still. 
3. Does C. find your work interesting or does she say "Echinoidea Schminoidea?"
She is also a marine scientist. We have co-authored papers together.  She says Opsanus tau (anus face) when I say Thetys vagina (whose vagina??). Even Linneaus had a sense of humor.    


A reader in Piedmont, NC said...
I have many questions, but my most probing would be: (if you are comfortable sharing) "Was there one situation that led C to recovery? Were you already working Al-Anon when she began the recovery process?" (I ask these because my partner does not admit her alcoholism. I feel very alone in this recovery journey, even with my Al-Anon buddies.)


The one situation that led her to recovery was my telling her that I was leaving.  I had enough and realized that I was dead on the inside.  I think that got her attention.  We started our recovery programs within a few weeks of each other. We were true newbies with scrambled brains when we began. I am thankful that we stuck it out because the first year of recovery is difficult for all concerned.  Alcoholism is a disease that makes a person feel very lonely.  


 Have Myelin? said... Do you push the elevator button more than once? If so, why?
Mostly I take the stairs when I can.  But if I have to be on an elevator, I push the button once.  And that is enough to get it to go where it's supposed to go. Learning patience is a good thing.  

Anonymous said... Maybe it's just my eagerness to feel less alone in the world or to help myself with all available resources, but it seems to be hard to find blogs where people are married to alcoholics. I mostly find blogs belonging to parents dealing with their children who are addicted. Perhaps I am not looking in the right places...suggestions?

You're right.  There aren't many blogs that deal with alcoholic marriages.  One that I read is My Alcoholic Marriage.  Another that is excellent is Through an Al-Anon Filter, which is about recovery in Al-Anon.  It would be good to start your own blog, if you are comfortable with that.  Perhaps you have a message and perspective that would help you and others. 


palata66 said... Question: no children... why?
Too busy with careers and then finding that the genes on both sides included depression and alcoholism.  I'm not much of a gambler. 

Anonymous said... You're such a romantic - how did you propose to C?
She actually proposed to me.  I was in the lab working. She came in and said, "Do you want to get married?".  I said, "Yes. When?".  This reminds me of a joke: How can you tell an alcoholic and an Al-Anon are on their second date? There is a moving van in their driveways. We obviously got attached to each other pretty fast!  We were a co-dependent mess back then. 

Karen C said... Q. Sweet or savory?
Savory!

the walking man said...

OK here is another question...I drank almost 1/5th a night for almost 17 years why is it that I never went to an AA meeting and felt like I was welcome? No one ever approached and asked first time? The coffee is there and you should go to that table there. Maybe it was me but I found that the longer the group had been together the more stand offish they were.

I don't know the answer to this.  I can tell you that there are many different meetings.  Some are better than others.  AA is filled with sick people getting well (and so is Al-Anon).  I seek out those meetings where there are those who are welcoming and warm.  In most open meetings of AA, if a newcomer raises a hand for a white chip, there are claps and cheers.  People talk to the newcomer and offer phone numbers.  I even go over to the newcomer at open AA meetings and welcome them.  I know that self-centered behavior can often be in charge.  Perhaps there were more egos in the room who were reaching inward than those who were interested in reaching out.  Hopefully, some of the members of AA who read here will have a better answer.  I'm sorry that you didn't feel welcome.  

Gledwood said.....
Did you find it hard doing the 12 steps in an association where you're there (in a sense) by proxy as it wasn't YOU who had the alcohol problem. You were in a codependent relationship, wouldn't you say? I got into the opposite end of a codependent relationship when I was bang on the heroin a few years ago. It was crazy. She used to follow me around and we'd have rows that lasted all day! Also I was wondering: are you allowed to drink alcohol as an Al-Anon member? Or is it banned?

I had problems resulting from being around alcohol since I was a kid.  Everyone has some kind of problem.  I can't think of anyone I know that is totally well-adjusted. And I haven't felt bad about going because essentially I became more aware of who I am after doing the 12 steps.  I think that the world would be a better place if everyone had some kind of 12 step program.  


And there are no musts or rules in Al-Anon. So, yes, I can drink.  

Anonymous said... I came across your blog in October of 2011 and I have been reading it ever since. I would like to know if you have any siblings and if so do they have any addictions (hopefully not)?

I am an only child.  No addictions, other than maybe spending too much time on the computer!

Lulu said... I am sober thanks to AA for just over 3 years. I was raised by a very alcoholic family in a very alcoholic community. I know a LOT of my challenges are due to living around this disease, but haven't looked into Al-Anon at all because AA was all I could handle. But now I am wondering.... would it help me now? Or will AA be enough for me to shake the effects of this disease and become my best self?

I sponsor some fellows who are in AA and decided that they also had been affected by someone else's drinking.  One sponsee has 27 years in AA and has found that going through the 12 steps of Al-Anon helped with relationships.  I think that it's important to have the program of AA ingrained for several years, have an AA sponsor, and have worked the steps in AA before moving to Al-Anon.  But again, there are no rules on this.  Just a suggestion.  I think that knowing whether AA is enough for you to shake the effects of the disease is something that only you can answer.  It has helped so many people. 

Simply Me said... Question: What's something new you recently learned about yourself?
I learned that after many years of doing a great many things, I am happy doing just a few that interest me.  I don't feel guilty about playing like a kid. 


How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
I am a seeker of inner peace, knowledge, happiness, and truth.


How many sponsees do you usually sponsor at one time?
Generally, about three.  That seems to be a reasonable number, but I haven't refused anyone who has asked. 

ScottF said... I am not sure about all this global warming business. Is there really good science behind the claims that we're causing our planet to melt down? Or are we simply hastening a natural cycle? I've heard everything from a coming global ice age, to "business as usual" and I have no idea what to think about it.

Scott, scientific evidence points to climate change as being real.  Here is a good site that provides some of the basics.  In the scientific literature, there is a strong consensus that global surface temperatures have increased in recent decades and that the trend is caused mainly by human-induced emissions of greenhouse gases.  No scientific body of national or international standing disagrees with this view.  In fact, the findings of a warming climate affected by human activities has been endorsed by every national science academy that has issued a statement on climate change, including those of all the major industrialized countries. Much of the argument surrounding climate change hinges not on whether global warming is occurring, but rather whether this warming is a result of human activity.  I think that each person needs to read the reports for themselves.  This one by the Ocean Studies Board et al. is available on line and is a good one to read.  I think that climate change is one of the most critical issues, if not the most critical, facing the planet today. 

An Irish Friend of Bill said... The first question that came to mind was What does an alcoholic look like from the perspective of an Al anon? I suppose a request for objectivity. Permission to take alcoholics inventory and expose their Achilles heel/most glaring weakness from the viewpoint of an observer. I know aa's have some appeal to al anons, but that's not what Im interested in. I'm more interested in the ? ugliness of aa's that aa's are less able to see about themselves.. their blind spots.. the cruelty of their irrationality, and how this inflicts harm on others. I only ask because I suspect that this are the two things most difficult to admit to in oneself. ..... Where do you instinctively feel that alcoholics let themselves down the most Syd? when drinking.. and when they 'recover' in aa.. ? well thats the first question that came to mind Syd :) Tell us aa's where we are out of line :) hehe scary! but would be interesting :) for me anyway.

Whew, Irish....this may piss off some people, but my experience has been that alcoholics think far too much about themselves (self-centered) and Al-Anon's think far too much about what the alcoholics are doing.  That being said, the alcoholics look pretty good to me....at first.  The appeal to me is that alcoholics know how to have fun, are intelligent, witty, and experimental in thought and action.  That is a magnet for someone who has played by the rules, is a perfectionist, and introverted.  But the self-esteem issues and the cover up of the truth (i.e. dishonesty) are really off-putting to me and eventually come up with each alcoholic I have known.  And the idea that the entire planet revolves around them gets tiresome.  I also notice a tendency to shift blame to others, getting prickly when someone disagrees, and spending time thinking about doing something, rather than taking action to do something.  The restless, irritable and discontent characteristics of the alcoholic spoken of in the Big Book are real.  That being said, there is a solution! And getting to a spiritual place through the steps makes all the difference in outlook for anyone affected by alcoholism.  


I think that alcoholics let themselves down by thinking the worst, rather than being positive.  The whole self-pity and negative persona is difficult to be around for long.  Drinking is a way to not have the negative thoughts come crowding in.  When the drinking stops and sobriety comes, an attitude shift to get out of self would seem essential to stay sober.  I do believe that recovery happens. Therein, is the miracle. 

Steve E said... QUESTION
1. How far away from home have you sailed--not 'boated', but sailed?
And was it for work or pleasure? (both?--grin!)
Steve, so far sailing has been down the coast to Beaufort, SC and Port Royal Sound.  Coming back out of Port Royal and back home took 20 hours at the helm.  Hopefully, this summer, I'll get up the coast to Virginia.  But will take some stops along the way! 

2. Have you ever had a narrow escape from disaster--or fear loss of life--yours or others, while sailing or power boating? Please, respond with particulars, unless answer is "No!"
No fear for loss of life, but fear of being run down by someone who was not paying attention and nearly rammed my 22 foot sailboat when I was at anchor.  I happened to wake up just in time (no coincidences from the HP) to look out the forward hatch and see a big bow rail over me.  I yelled out just in time to avoid a crunch and damage to the boat. 

Momma said... I love the new pic on your blog. Where is that?
Thank you! It's in Charleston Harbor, with the city in the background.  It's called the Holy City because of the church steeples.  

Anonymous said... You're such an animal lover ... but yet you're not vegetarian. How do you reconcile that?
I do eat fish, shrimp and crab.  But I don't eat other meat.  I do eat egg whites and skim milk.  So I am an ovo-lacto-pisco vegetarian!


And a last answer for Christina--those are six feet.

A few answers to inquiring minds--Part 1

You asked quite a few questions.  Thanks for asking and for reading.  I heard from some of you that I didn't even know read my blog. And I got more comments than I've ever had! Amazing.

So here is what you asked and how I responded. I'm breaking this up into two parts so it's not too much in one post.

Dad and Mom said...
What got you so involved in the sea? Marine science, sailing, it seems your life is full of wonder and interest. Was there a single event, childhood dream, person, mentor?


I attribute my love of the sea to my parents.  My mother taught me to love nature from an early age.  My father took me on the water when I couldn't even walk. I fished with him and enjoyed being on his boat.  There was also a graduate school of marine science near my home town.  My mother would take me there to see the horseshoe crabs, sea stars, crabs, and sting rays.  She actually took courses there.  She had a very inquisitive mind.  I worked there in the summers during high school.  So the choice of marine science was a natural for me. 

Lolly said... Ok, Syd. I've got a question for you. What if I haven't yet found a sponsor after being in the program for more than a year?


I think that choosing a sponsor is one of those "Ah-ha" moments.  I suggest going to several meetings and looking for someone who has what you want in recovery.  I believe that if you are willing, the person will be there for you.  It's like the saying that "when the student is ready, the teacher appears".  Some people go for years without a sponsor and some don't want one.  I did what others told me to do--get a sponsor and work the steps--and I'm glad that I did. 

Lou said... briefs, boxers, or bare naked??

LOL, Lou! It depends on the season and circumstances.  Briefs in the winter and bare naked when it is hot.  We used to post our "skin" photos on the blog "Half Naaked Thursdays". 

Smitty and Holly asked...Syd, how did you decide on your pen-name?

My name found me and seemed to be a good fit.    

My question is this, and it is fairly mundane. If you found yourself in a new
town without Alanon meetings, how would you go about starting a meeting?

I would pick a location and a time, contact the District Rep,, and get a flyer together to announce the new meeting on the district website.  I would also contact WSO to get their information packet on starting a meeting.  Here is a good page on what is needed to be done: http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/StartingAlAnonENg.pdf

And if you could start any kind of meeting, would it be a regular one, or something completely different?

I like meetings that are recovery oriented so it would have a step study, a tradition study, a literature study, and an open discussion topic for each month. I think that it's important to stress recovery through the steps and traditions. 

And what would you write about if you could write about anything? Would you publish this blog if the right editor approached you?


Well, my experience has been with writing about science.   I used to write and publish scientific papers, so publishing isn't new to me.  I still like to write about science, but I am drawn to write now about recovery and snippets from every day life. I suppose if someone were interested in what I wrote and wanted me to submit it for publication, I would consider it.  But I would have to protect the anonymity of the alcoholics in my life as well as my own anonymity.  I think that respecting the Traditions is important to consider so it would have to be clear that I don't represent Al-Anon.  

Chris Long said... I am considering early retirement at 58 years old and wondered if you are semi-retired and active in your profession. I also wondered if you stepped up your recovery program in retirement.

I suppose semi-retired sounds like a good description, although I like to think of it as moving on to the next chapter in life where I don't get a regular pay check and just goof off a lot.  I do give eco-tours to school groups when asked.  Sometimes that is spectacularly uninspiring or inspiring depending on the group.  


As far as recovery, I still do my best to get to 3 meetings a week, sponsor people, and write.  Not much has changed with that since I left my full-time job. 

happygirl said...So, what's your favorite color?
Black!

Glynis said...  What is the thing you are most proud of in yourself and in your growth, your life etc. and did you grow to be proud of this or was it in you all along.. does that make sense?

I don't think of pride when I think of myself, but rather I think that I am gifted in certain areas.  First and foremost, I have a strong intuition which is a gift. I sense things about people that I'm close to.   I have an ability to also move through the BS and get to the crux of things.  That's just part of my personality. I also have a strong empathy for people who are underdogs and for animals.  I believe that these traits were ones that I became more aware of in recovery and actually am happy to have. 

Sharon and DMcClear asked...
How will I know it is time to ask someone to be my sponsor? How do I decide who to ask?

I think that finding a sponsor takes going to a fair number of meetings, observing people, and finding someone who has what you want.  For me, I knew who that person was within a short time. I was fortunate in that I was willing and the person appeared.  The relationship between sponsor and those being sponsored is special, based on trust, and requires give and take. If you listen to someone in a meeting and find that you are hearing a strong message of recovery, then talk to them after the meeting.  Sometimes, people get a temporary sponsor to take them through the first three steps.  It takes willingness and trust to move forward.  

kel said--How did you meet C and how long have you been together. Did you have an elaborate wedding or a simple quiet celebration?


Kel, we met in graduate school when we were working on our Master's degrees.  If you count the years from the time we met until now, then it will 34 years.  Our wedding was at my parent's home in Virginia.  It was not elaborate or fancy. The most important part was that my aging grandmother attended.  And our dog was there too. 

Brian Miller said--how did you meet your wife? at what point did you know she was the one?  i know at one point you were living in VA and if i recall you were young, but what were you doing here?


Brian, we were both graduate students in marine science.  She lectured in one of my classes and blew me away with her intelligence and looks.  I think that I knew she was the one from the moment I met her.  I was transfixed.  


I was born in Virginia as were my parents and many generations before them. It was home to all my relatives from James Town to the present. 

Annette said--Syd, I have often wondered if you are someone who is secretly famous. Not like an actor or celebrity....but someone famous in your field.

Annette, I don't think anyone but Jacques Cousteau, Sylvia Earle (a well known explorer in the field), and Bob Ballard (who discovered Titanic wreck) are really famous (like celebrity famous) in this field.  Most of us work in our laboratories and shun the spot light! But I am well-known in my field, although I like your idea of being secretly famous! 

Mrs D said--My question is; do you think I will every change my belief that sober people can be very boring at parties? I am worried about this because when I was boozing I thought sober people were boring. Now I'm sober I'm worried that other people think I'm boring.


Mrs. D., if you go to a party and some sober gentleman jumps up on the table to dance, then you will probably change your belief that sober people are boring. I've been to some great AA parties.  On the other hand, I like the boring aspect of parties because fights seldom break out, people aren't throwing up or peeing in the corner, and people can drive home without fear of getting a DUI.  I've learned not to worry much about what other people think.  That's one of the benefits of recovery.  

Ms S said...
If I have a question it is how do you connect to God? (I wondered if the sea is an element of this?)

I can have a conscious contact with my Higher Power at any time.  I say little prayers through out the day.  There are times when I meet a person, or am in a particular situation where I feel a "God" moment.  But I do find the magnificence of nature is a strong reminder of how connected I am to something so much bigger and more powerful than I.  

Christina said--What part of the al-anon program do you just not agree with? For me, its the line in the opening that says "We can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not"...though I believe at times, we can be happy, but for me, its intermittent at best.

I think the statement that says the beginner is the most important person in the room is one that I disagree with.  I think that we have so often felt so unimportant in life, that there is no need to diminish our importance in a meeting. We are all equals there, no matter how long or short the time. 


I know that I don't want to live with active alcoholism, so I do think that I could be happy even if the alcoholic is still drinking.  I would not be living with the active alcoholic though.  Physical and emotional detachment would be necessary for me.  

Kristin H.said...do you ever drink alcohol at all now that C is sober?


Yes, I like to have a beer now and then.  And I prefer Newcastle. 

Kelly said-- In life/Al-anon whichever you choose, what was the best piece of advice you have ever been given?

To treat others as I would like to be treated.  When I do that, I cannot go wrong.

If you could share 1 thing about yourself no one would ever guess about you what would it be?

Hmmmm.....I like being bare naked (see answer to Lou above) and am secretly famous (see answer to Annette). 

Tune in on Thursday for the remainder of the questions and answers.

Those questions again

I am currently devoid of original thought.  My muse has departed for the moment, so I'm going to see if you can help get it back.  I actually did this a couple of years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it.

So here's the deal.  My follower "thingy" says that there are 538 people who follow this blog. I think that some of them have departed blogger land and some have departed this life.  I have no idea, short of starting the follower thing over.  But it sure would be nice to see who is lurking out there.  And maybe having an inquisition would be a way to do that.

I have been blogging since 2007.  Maybe it's time to open up and answer any questions that you may have.  You can ask your own curious question here, and I'll answer it.  Maybe there is something that you have been wondering about when you've read my posts.  Maybe there is something about marine science that you've been dying to ask.  Maybe you want to know more about sailing, global warming, or any number of things.

So ask away! It will be fun (I think??) to see what questions you may have.  It's not that I am so interesting, but people do have inquiring minds.

The last time that I did this, I had a give away for the best question.  I'll do this again.  It may be a photo of mine, it may be something local, it may be a book.

So ask away.  Come out of lurkerdom and ask away.  It will be cool to see the questions in the comments, so that others can see what is being asked.  I'll post the questions and answers next Wednesday. The only caveat: I will be respecting Tradition Twelve in my answers.

Vegetative state

I have been amazingly worthless this week.  I am wondering about my lack of energy.  I'm not depressed but wanting to cocoon, stay home, read and take naps.  So I have done just that.  I have not been to the boat, have not done much of anything outside, and have only driven off the property a couple of times.

I think that all is a bit "off" because my wife is spending the nights with her parents. When she gets home in the morning, we have coffee, read the paper,  and catch up on how things were the night before.  I really don't want to go anywhere once she is home, and that feels okay.

I have a tendency to be solitary so cocooning at home isn't that unusual.  When I was working, the days between Christmas and New Year's Day were when I rested and did as little as possible.  I knew that once the Christmas holiday was over, there would be few long stretches of time when I would be able to vegetate.  In the last few years, my cocooning has been on the boat.  I much prefer being out on the water and away from the marina, and right now that isn't possible.

In a few days, I will be taking a road trip to Florida.  The thought of the long drive isn't appealing.  Maybe I am preparing subconsciously for the drive and being away by resting and staying at home.  I will be there for a few days and then head back home.  I'm trying to psych myself up for the trip.  I'm not being very successful at that for the moment.

I did manage to go see the movie "War Horse".  It was a throwback to the type of feel good movies that Hollywood used to make.  I like a good horse or dog story.  And somehow I think that this was as much about how terrible war is as it was about fate and how it may work in our favor.

Today, I am going to debone the turkey and help C. make a turkey pot pie.  She scoffs at turkey leftovers, but I think that this might actually be a good tasty dish.  Okay, this paragon of domesticity is going to get to work.  And then it will be time for a nap.....

Early morning rounds

I was up early to walk the dogs this morning.  I have become a night owl, staying up until after midnight.  But the dawn gets me up and going.  I thought that I would share some photos from the early walk.  The leaves were dripping with drops from last night's rain.  The air is humid and filled with the smell of dead leaves, the forest, flowering tea olive and sasanquas.

We don't get much fall color here but the leaves stay on the trees for a few months. 

The pet cemetery.  I have to add some more crosses and fix a few that have fallen. 

The garden is doing well.  Collards and broccoli are getting bigger. 

I like the green house.  We moved the plants this week to be able to put them inside if there is a cold snap. 

Looking through the woods buffer to the fields. 

The wetland that is one of my favorite places to visit. 

Even the oak leaf hydrangeas are interesting to photograph.

One of the benches where I sit and contemplate all kinds of things.  It is along a trail on the property. 

Gotta have some weird photos of fungi. 

The stinkhorn smells like something dead but has beauty in its own way.   

Bricks and mortal and fig vines. 

Walking towards the main house. 

The sun is up and golden this morning. It's supposed to be in the upper 70's here.  I'm enjoying the great weather for working on the boat.  Hopefully, I'll have some before and after photos to show soon enough.  Of course, I wish that we were sailing and anchoring someplace for a few days.  But that will come soon enough.

My father-in-law is at a physical rehab center to get his strength back. He only grumbled a bit.  He nearly died this time, so maybe he is a bit quieter because of that.

Not much else going on.  Just a lot of peacefulness here: Going to meetings, carrying the message to others, and doing my best to practice the principles of recovery in my life.

Getting in the spirit

The rowing team had great fun last night being in the parade of boats.  We aren't "official" registrants, but enjoy the cheers that we get as we row past the spectators with lights on the oars and along the gunnels.  We had two full gigs full of crew and each boat towed a dinghy with a lit Christmas tree.

The rowing gig is almost ready for the parade

In the parade, rowing and towing the dinghy with tree. Green and red lights were on the oars. 

We had a great view of the boats as they passed by

All the boats and the Christmas carols are getting me in the spirit.  We have decided this year to not give gifts to each other, but to give a few things to relatives and friends.  We make pepper jelly each year in green and red.  So we will be giving some jars of that to some friends.  I think that it will be good to concentrate on the reason for the season.  We are hoping for a peaceful and joyful holiday. That's really all we want.

We did put some decorations up and have our tree.  The smell of a fir tree in the house is wonderful.  I hope that you are enjoying the day.  It is beautiful here--nearly 70 degrees.

Nodis

"Der was sum hell raisin outside my bedrum winder last nit".

I haven't written much about the island that I live on in a while.  It doesn't have but a couple of fancy estate subdivisions that are gated.  Most of the land is forested or farmed.  And the island has a large African-American population.  

These descendants of slaves speak the Gullah dialect which according to Wikipedia is:
"an English-based creole language containing many African loanwords and significant influences from African languages in grammar and sentence structure. Properly referred to as "Sea Island Creole" the Gullah language is related to Barbadian Dialect, Jamaican Creole, , Bahamian Dialect, and the Krio language of Sierra Leone in West Africa. Gullah storytelling, cuisine, music, folk beliefs, crafts, farming and fishing traditions, all exhibit strong influences from West and Central African cultures." 

Among old timers, it is still possible to hear this wonderful language.

This was an old fishing community.  Shrimping and crabbing are still actively a part of the way of life.  More people have moved here from "off" because it is possible to buy waterfront property on deep water.  Some stay for a long while as we have and others find that having to drive 10 miles to get to a grocery store is a pain.  There are a few churches.  And there are a couple of country stores.  There is one juke joint.  The island is also home to the Charleston Tea Plantation and Irving House Vineyards.  Irving House markets Firefly Vodka which is vodka mixed with sweet tea.  It makes my stomach roil to just think about that.  That's about it for commercial establishments besides the fish and shrimp houses.

I think that you have to like the solitude in order to live here.  I remember once having a barbecue at which a guest remarked, "My, you do live in Deliverance country."  Actually,  this island and the Chattooga River gorge where Deliverance was filmed, have little in common geographically or otherwise.  There are no crazed red necks trying to take hostages.  Crime is low, although there have been a couple of murders since we moved out here in 1989.  I am sure that drugs have made their way from the city out here.  But so far, things have been pretty bucolic. And if things get a little raucous, the "Nodis" goes up as a reminder.

About the most happening thing going on is the annual regatta which turns into a two day floating cocktail party.  More arrests are probably made during that for DUI's and public drunkenness than occur all the rest of the year.  We don't go to the yacht club except for an occasional oyster roast.  It is old and lovely.  It does have a great boat ramp that we use to launch the jon boat for fishing.

When I first came to the Lowcountry out of graduate school, I worked out here at a Federal marine lab.  I fell in love with the island then.  Somehow I knew that I would live here.  And luckily, now I call this special place home.

Under the weather and more for Wednesday

I have come down with a cold.  I don't feel so bad but have lost my voice.  I now sound like a deep croaking baritone.  I hope to not let the cold slow me down but coughing all the time is annoying.  It also makes people look at me with a bit of disgust, probably thinking that I am a smoker who is on his last few bronchial cells.

Today I worked at a friend's house on rebuilding his marine diesel engine.  It felt good to get some grease under the nails and on my hands.  He was my instructor for the marine engine maintenance class that I took last year.  We replaced the thermostat, rebuilt the raw water pump, and did some compression testing on the engine.  For the last few hours, I had to use hand signals because I couldn't talk.  I did manage to croak out a "Thank you" for the great dinner they fixed.

After I got home,  I helped put up some of the fall decorations.  Every season, we enjoy changing decorations.  Spooky spiders, fall foliage, rolling eyeballs, and lit pumpkins are some of the fun things that we use to decorate for fall.  Here are just a few photos of what we do:

Pumpkins are put outside and inside the house. 

This eyeball lights up when you roll it around. 

Pumpkin lights are fun in one of the garage windows. 

And who wouldn't be scared of this!

I'm not sure who gets more of a kick out of this: the wild animals or me.  I don't know what the deer and raccoons think of the skeleton.  It gives me the creeps a bit.

We hope to go on the boat for the weekend.  The weather is supposed to turn cool on Saturday.  The low may be around 49 F.   I can't wait.  Enough with the humidity and a very hot summer.  I am ready for blue skies, crisp weather, and the smell of autumn.

Well, that's about it from here.  I am going to say good night.  Hopefully,  I'll be a bit more coherent tomorrow.