Unmindful of his welfare

"Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days." from Bill's Story, Alcoholics Anonymous

I don't know what made me think of this quote today but for some reason I was thinking of how often I have either been unmindful of the welfare of others or of my own welfare.  I used to not be very mindful of my own welfare.  I would often give up things that I wanted to do because C. didn't want to do them.  I put myself in bad situations because C. wanted to drink, and I thought that I needed to take care of her.  I never thought about what I wanted to do.

And eventually the stress got to me.  Even before we were married, there were times when I felt that I couldn't take anymore unfullfilled promises, bad behavior, and unreliability.  And later, after being married, I realized that I was still not mindful of my welfare.  But the balance had begun to shift where I was not being mindful of her welfare either. 

I had slipped over to trying to control through anger, self-pity, and stony silences.  I was not only damaging her but was eroding away our relationship.  It is incredible the lengths that I went to because of alcoholism.  And no where did I have in mind what was good for me or others. 

It wasn't until getting into recovery that I began to not only think about my welfare but the welfare of those around me.  The harm that is done to others because of my insecurities and fears can be as great as the harm done to me by the alcoholic.  I am grateful for a chance to be mindful of a lot of things today, including God's will for me. 

Pitfalls

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. " from the AA 12 x 12

Reading this from the AA 12 x 12 makes me realize how much my character defects have affected my interactions with my alcoholic. It doesn’t work that way with others that I interact with. I can hear what they say and not feel rejection. But with my SO I seem to feel insecure and that a "no" can be negotiated.

On Friday, I asked her to go to dinner. She had just gone to a meeting. She said that she needed her time alone. I know this about her. I understand this because I need my time too. But I felt rejected and wanted to push her to go. I felt filled with self-righteous anger.

It’s like a compulsion to sabotage my program at these times. My insecurity comes through with self-pity, resentment, anger and remorse. If I lean heavily on people, they fail me because they are human and can’t meet my demands of time or love.

And when I try to manipulate others to my own willful desires, they resist. Then I get my feelings hurt. I seem to want closeness at times that don’t necessarily fit the other person’s time frame. And what helps is for me to respect the other person and their wishes.

We talked it out and let it alone. And in the end we went to dinner anyway…..at her suggestion. I think that the acrimony and hurt convinced us that we both needed to put our self-will on hold and accept our differences. These broaching of boundaries are a clear indication of how much I need this program.

Robert Johnson and the Blues

I picked up a CD of Robert Johnson, the man who is synonomous with Delta blues. A story goes that Robert went to the crossroads of Highway 61 and made a deal with the devil to be able to play the blues and be recognized. He did play the blues but wasn't recognized until much later when his work was recorded by the likes of the Stones, Led Zeppelin and others. His dealing must have been short-lived though because he was dead at age 27, supposedly poisoned by a jealous man whose woman he was working his mojo on.

I wonder sometimes how many of us have wanted to make a deal in order to get what we want. I think that I was willing to do just about anything to have some peace of mind around the alcoholic. I didn't quite make a deal with the devil but was as close to despair as a person could be without injuring myself. During that desperate time, I never once thought to turn to my HP for help. Instead I was busy being miserable.

But we seldom get anything that we selfishly ask for. The program teaches to not ask for selfish things but to ask to better do God's will. Maybe that's why Robert Johnson ended up dying the way that he did. Unless we give up our self-will, we are doomed to fail. No more deals for me. Just surrender, humility and acceptance.

Watching the light go out

At the meeting last night, I read from one of the books about how to stop hurting others as we work through recovery. One of the readings asked the question, "Have you ever watched the light go out of someone's eyes?" I can visualize that because I've not only seen it but have contributed in many ways to it. While one could interpret the reading as referring to death and dying, it really was referring to how unkind words and sarcasm can take the light away.

I've felt the light in my own eyes ebb over the years. It wasn't due to alcohol or drugs but to a loss of spirit and an emptiness within. But I've contributed through my own selfishness and fears to diminishing the light in other's eyes. Thankfully, I didn't have the power to extinguish that light.

Through the program, I'm coming to terms with the harms that I have done. I'm working at trying to balance my character defects with some positive affirmations. Today has been a day to not only think about the wrongs that I have done but to try as hard as I can to forgive myself.

The HP has been working so hard today in my life. My SO found and read my fourth step inventory and is having a hard time coming to grips with what was written. The application of the Ninth Step of making direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others is not an option for me now. The harms are there, indelibly imprinted and have filled her eyes with tears. I'm doing what I can to affirm my love and caring. I'm not sure that anything will work this time so I've got to just let it go this evening and trust that somehow this fits into the HP's plan.

A lot of birthdays

Tonight is a birthday celebration for several people at the first Al-Anon group that I ever attended. I walked in there when I was at an emotional bottom and tonight I'm going in to celebrate the birthday of the founder of that group.

She is a strong lady who has done a lot for a lot of people. She is also the most controlling person that I know and probably one of the most dominating. She rules that group and has expectations of her sponsees to basically make her their HP. It used to make me very uncomfortable but I've learned over the past few months to just let her do her thing. I'm very glad that she has so many years in the program (nearly 30) and that what she does works. She has a lot of pearls to share when ego isn't in the way. I am accepting of that and take what I like and leave the rest.

I think that there is a dinner for all her sponsees before the main meeting but I'm just going to go to the main discussion. Maybe that's my self will holding me back but I can only take an hour not three hours tonight. I'm happy for the three people who have their birthdays and am glad that I walked into that meeting and have kept going back.