What I want

I am starting to get over this cold, although my voice is still hoarse and my chest hurts from coughing.  I'm still planning on taking my sponsor to lunch tomorrow. A few of us are getting together to go to a restaurant overlooking the water. And after having lunch, I will probably take a nap for a couple of hours.

Hopefully, the nap will recharge me enough so that I can get groceries for the boat and then leave for the island anchorage.  It will be another simple weekend of rest, beach walking and reading.

I was thinking about how fortunate I am to be where I am at this point in life.  I cannot think of anything I really want materially.  But there are a few things that I want in the emotional realm:

• I want there to be health and happiness for family and friends that I love.  
• I want to get through the course that I am taking and have more unscheduled time.  
• I hope that my wife and I can spend more time doing fun things together. We both tend to be busy with separate projects.  I would like for us to do more projects and have adventures together. 
• I would like to keep moving forward in recovery and develop a trusting relationship with a local sponsor.  I am finding that looking for a sponsor is difficult because each person is different in how they approach sponsoring. 
• I want to find the tribe of people with whom I feel comfortable. I know a few people who I enjoy being around.  I am hoping to find others that will be part of the tribe. 
• I would like to not have Christmas be a big deal this year.  Just being together and having the annual recovery buffet here would be enough.  Brightening up someone else's day is all I want. 
• I am fulfilled in many ways.  I want to concentrate on those positive things.  The glass is half full with me for the most part.  I know areas where I need improvement.  

That's about it for my wants. Pretty simple stuff.  A few of these I can actually do something about.  The rest will be thought about and hopefully realized at some point.  I'll leave that up to a power greater than me.  

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~Steve Jobs

Lower your expectations

"Lower your expectations until you get what you want". I was told that a few days ago when I was getting myself into self-pity mode. I was bemoaning a few things that were driven by fear which is my chief character defect.

It's easy to let myself slip back into having fantasies about how things "should" be or how I want them to be. I was hoping to have something special happen on my birthday, was convinced that it wouldn't happen, and got myself into self-pity mode faster than a synapse could fire.

So a great friend in AA told me the slogan about lowering my expectations until I got what I wanted. Just hearing that made me realize that I don't need to hope that something special is going to happen, because something special does happen every day: It's called living. And it's up to me to decide whether I'd rather focus my energy on expecting something from others or on doing my part to make this day unique and special.

I'm going to remember that slogan when I build expectations that depend on others. It's up to me to make this day what I want it to be. And right now, I'm going to shower, get dressed, and head out for a day of meetings here in Florida.

I don't have any expectations one way or the other. How about you?

Patience

I think that my level of patience has increased as I've gotten older. My parents used to tell me that I was impatient about everything when I was a kid. I stayed in that mode for many years. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Looking back, it seemed like an incredibly selfish attitude.

I've found that waiting for something or someone has it's own rewards. I may think that I want something but now I ask myself whether I need it. If I don't need it, then I can wait for it. And maybe in the future, I might actually get it. It is rare that we have all the planets, stars, and forces in alignment in this life. I have learned with the program and with living life in general that those things that I want to do, have, be or accomplish won't happen immediately. In fact, they may never happen. So, I accept the limitations that I have and tend to work within the sphere that is reality.

For instance, I think some days that I may want a bigger boat. And then I think that having a bigger boat might bring bigger problems, more upkeep, etc. So I don't feel an urge to rush out and act on my thoughts but have learned to appreciate the boat that I currently have. I am grateful just to have Compass Rose and accept that there might be a time in the future when I'll seriously consider a bigger boat, but it doesn't have to be today.

The same thing is true about other aspects of living. I can wish and want until I'm lost in that, or I can learn how to wait. I like the Rolling Stone lyrics, "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need. "

Get what you need

"You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"
M Jagger/K Richards

I've found that there is a big difference between wanting what I want and needing what I want. I might want a new car, a bigger house, a larger boat but do I actually need those things? In reality, there are only a few things I actually need. Those are things like a roof over my head, food to eat, and a way to earn enough money on which to have those things.

I know that I used to think that all the material things I wanted would bring me happiness. That wasn't the case. All it did was reinforce frustration and create envy. Maybe I was wanting the wrong things. Or maybe I wanted them too much.

I've thought about this a bit since being in the program, and I've concluded that maybe it's okay to know what we want and have a passion to move in that direction. As long as I'm not envious or sink into a mindset of being needy, then I think that having goals and pursuing them is healthy. I just have to remember not to take things so serious that wanting becomes the driver. Wanting is a very powerful thing, but becoming so attached to what we want only causes emotional distress.

I've read that the more a person wants something, the more stress is created from the thought of not having it. This creates a mindset around what is lacking in my life instead of a mindset of abundance. If I decided instead though that I was okay with not having what I wanted, but tried to get it anyway, I would be better off and not obsessed. Once I realized that what I want may come in many different ways, some not so obvious, and will come in time as my HP sees fit, then I gain power and my mind quits obsessing. I can now trust that what I want will come to me in some form or another. And it may be just what I need.