Wedding anniversary and giving thanks

Tomorrow is a celebration for us--our wedding anniversary.  I won't tell you how many years,  but suffice to say that most people did not give us great odds in lasting as long as we have. I know that most of our friends in graduate school have been divorced at least once and yet, here we are together.

I'm not being smug because it has not been a smooth journey.  And I thought about divorce many times over the years. In fact, after every drunk episode, I wanted out.  I did what most people do who live with alcoholism, I keep hoping that things would change--that she would change.  And in the morning after a drunken night, I would believe the promises that she would be different and meant to quit drinking this time. And the years went by.

Even for a while after my wife joined AA, I did not give us much of a chance. But through patience, respect and growing love for each other, we are still together.  I am at the point in my life where I cherish every day with her.

A lady at my meeting last night has been living with a dry drunk for many years. They basically have little communication.  And she had been in tears at last week's meeting because she did not have the kind of relationship that she wanted. So I shared then that what I began doing that first year in recovery was hugging my wife and telling her more and more that I loved her.  And from there, we began to heal. That is how we interact now--lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you"'s.  It made a huge difference in our attitudes.

Last night the lady shared that she went home and hugged her husband after the meeting and gave him a kiss on his head.  She said that it made her feel good. She was learning that her pride kept her apart from her husband.  I suppose for me it was lack of trust that kept me from sharing my feelings. Sometimes it is okay to "fake it until I make it" to get those feelings back that have been so eroded by alcoholism.

So I have much to be grateful for as we celebrate our anniversary. It is Thanksgiving day too.  I hope that the day will be a good one for you no matter where you are or who you are with.

What makes a lasting relationship

I was catching up on some magazines and ran across this article in the Atlantic Monthly. Basically, the article sums up what makes a happy lasting relationship and what causes contribute to other relationships falling apart.
"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"

A study done in the 1980's followed young couples, observing their interactions and their physiology.  The investigators did a follow up six years later to see if the couples were still together.  They found that contempt is the main factor that tears couples apart. Those who criticized or ignored their partner and injected negativity into interactions had failed or unhappy relationships.  The partner who was criticized and ignored felt worthless and invisible as if they were not present or valued at all.

Kindness, on the other hand, was what kept couples together. Kindness made each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--and loved.

I honestly don't know how we have stayed together all these years given the conflict that I used to feel.  I know that there was kindness and love as well. But I also had a lot of distrust for the alcoholic promises where she would say "I love you" but her actions would be the opposite.  And I would do the same--keeping her at arms length because I didn't trust her promises not to drink.  The words said one thing but the actions were the opposite.  Those were confusing and hurtful times for both of us.

I have shared here and at meetings that living with an alcoholic is lonely.  It is very lonely because the other person is emotionally unavailable. And for those of us who love an alcoholic, we keep trying over and over to make the person available.  And I did that for years until I gave up and was ready to walk away.

Some kind of miraculous epiphany happened since those desperate times. I knew that I didn't want my marriage to end, but I also knew that I had to change.  I had to stop spending all my energy on wanting my wife to change.  So I focused on what I wanted with my life.  I looked beyond my work for peace of mind.  I bought a boat, did gardening, became active in Al-Anon, and gradually took care of myself emotionally.

It took a while for the contempt to go away.  I believe that when I did my fourth, fifth and sixth steps, I began to focus on what I was doing--what my part was in how the marriage was going.  I didn't like who I had become.  So as I became aware,  I was able to see that without kindness and compassion,  I was going to remain unhappy.  I would think of my wife as a little girl who had a difficult childhood being sent off to private schools because her parents were fighting and angry.  She grew up with no buffers from the turmoil, just as I did.  From visualizing her as a little sad girl, I was filled with love and compassion for her.

What we have now is respect for each other.  We appreciate each other. We can be genuine with each other.  We support each other emotionally.  We share responsibilities. We trust each other. And we want to spend time together.

We are still working on playing together, instead of being so task oriented.  Our communication is much better.  And we continue to grow in love.

Lots of years

Today is our wedding anniversary.  I surprised my wife with the dozen reds. And we are going to lunch and a movie. What we do on this day isn't the most important thing. Rather, it's how we feel about each other.

I am grateful for every day that we have together, as partners in this life and best friends. We have worked together, fished together, birthed animals together, sailed together, cried together, and laughed together.

All these years were part of a growing process in our relationship.  We didn't know how to be a couple at first because neither of us understood how to have a relationship.  We weathered a lot of storms over these years. The love that we have did not lessen over time but has grown. Hoping for many more years together, C.

Prozac Nation

I am planning to go out on the boat today for four days. The forecast is for 35 mph winds and a gale warning is in effect. I won't be going to my usual anchorage, but will hunker down in a protected area of the harbor and wait until the wind subsides tomorrow before going to the "secret" island.

My little dilemma is nothing compared to the 200 mph winds that raked the Philippines this week. I cannot imagine anything being left with those kinds of winds. It would be like a nuclear explosion happened. I keep hearing that aide is on the way, but the response seems slow.  I would like to make a donation but want to make sure that it is a reputable one where the actual donations get to the people who need it.  If you have any ideas on this, let me know.

My wife has started on a new medication for depression, and it seems to be helping.  We have had a rough time of it since her parents died.  Some days both of us felt as if the air had been sucked out of us.  Then things would improve, but I could tell that she was having a hard time in general.  I suggested to her that she might want to see her doctor.  Among many of her attributes is the ability to take action when she feels depressed.  So she talked to her doctor, described what was going on, and was prescribed a different medication.  It's good to see her smiling and actually making jokes with me.  She has a wicked sense of humor when she is feeling good.

I read the book Prozac Nation after watching the movie few nights ago.  It brought home the unmanageability of depression and how it must feel to be so terribly alone in your head:
Some catastrophic moments invite clarity, explode in split moments: You smash your hand through a windowpane and then there is blood and shattered glass stained with red all over the place; you fall out a window and break some bones and scrape some skin. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve and salve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day -- wham! -- there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won't even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.

In my case, I was not frightened in the least bit at the thought that I might live because I was certain, quite certain, that I was already dead. The actual dying part, the withering away of my physical body, was a mere formality. My spirit, my emotional being, whatever you want to call all that inner turmoil that has nothing to do with physical existence, were long gone, dead and gone, and only a mass of the most fucking god-awful excruciating pain like a pair of boiling hot tongs clamped tight around my spine and pressing on all my nerves was left in its wake.

That's the thing I want to make clear about depression: It's got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal -- unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature's part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.

And the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I love my mind, that is all I can say too. ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I watched my mother suffer with her terrible depressive episodes. I really am hoping that my wife will be feeling better now that her parent's estate has been finalized, the house sold, and the work on most of the first floor here has been done.  I am wanting her to be happy.  I tell her I love her and support her and have her back....always.  I hope that is enough.

Hello Syd

Here is an email I received from a lady who is married to a recovering alcoholic. She gave me permission to share this:

I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.

I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?

I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!

 A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.

As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)

I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.

Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.

Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.

Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.

Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________

I understand your story.  I've lived it also.  And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself.  Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.


I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism.  It can be lonely living with an alcoholic.  I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that.  It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe.  In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment.  We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together.  I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.

Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.

A blur of days

We have been working hard to get the parent's house ready for listing with a local real estate agent. The time has flown by, with most days filled with packing up and moving boxes to storage. Yesterday was the culmination of getting it ready.  There was a showing at 3 PM so we had a blitz to finish "staging" the house.  Finally, it is done.  We can get back to some semblance of normality around here because all the effort has been going to getting the other house ready for sale.

Today is lovely.  The north wind came in overnight, so the temperatures are cool.  We've had breakfast on the porch.  I have read a few blogs and am now taking time to do a post here.  My wife is at home and not planning on going to her parent's house. Progress.

I told my story at my home group for my Al-Anon anniversary.  It felt good to share some about my past and where I am now.  The past year was one that has been so difficult due to the deaths of the parents and my cousin,  their sickness and terrible decline.

To be honest, there were times when I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning.  I had no energy and realize that grief takes a heavy toll on me.  My wife struggled with her own sadness. Both of us were processing the losses in our own way.  She focused all her energy on packing up the house.  She wouldn't stop no matter how exhausted she was.  The handy man and I would carry the many boxes to storage. But she wanted to go through everything, sorting out those things that could be given away and those that would be saved.

I felt that separateness and loneliness returning, just as it had when her focus was on alcohol.  There was no room for me at the moment.  The difference now was that I let her be.  When she came home tired and exhausted, I would hold her close.  I would draw water in the whirlpool bath for her, pour in the bath salts, and sponge her tired body.  I cooked dinner, even if it was late in the evening.  I struggled with not asking her to stop for a few days, take a break, and relax.  I did tell her that I was concerned that she was overdoing it.

And now we are done with the house. There are a few things left to box up in the garage.  And somehow in the packing up of scrapbooks, photo albums, dishes, collectibles, linens, and all the other accumulation of 90 years of life, we have moved through grief to acceptance and joy.  We have turned the corner.

Today is beautiful so we are going to enjoy it by reading the paper, writing, picking vegetables, and going to the boat.  Emerging from sadness feels so good, like walking out of a dark cave into the light.

What wears, what endures

Today is our wedding anniversary.  When I think back to our wedding day,  I realize just how young we were.  And how much in love I was.  I thought that the very breath of me came from my wife.  I'm not sure that she felt that way about me, but I know that over the years she has come to love me more and more.  And for me, I have come to realize that the love that I felt back then has morphed into something different but still powerful.

We were married in my parent's living room at the old house in Virginia.  My father bought us a house as a wedding gift.  We were moving out of the state, heading South after the first of the year.  We wanted our own house so he gave us one. We didn't want money spent on a big wedding.  We wanted her parents, a few of our friends,  my grandmother who was over 90, and a few other relatives of ours to attend.  Many of those people are dead and gone, some we haven't seen in years, and others probably don't remember the day.

Some of my memories are that the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony.  My father was cooking biscuits to stuff with Smithfield ham.  The cake was made by a friend of the family.  The dining room with the old Hepplewhite table that we still have in our dining room was filled with food.  I don't remember eating anything.  I know that I did because there is a photo of us cutting the cake together and eating some.  I know that I was in a daze.

I remember feeling like it was our day though.  A special day for us.  I also wished that we could have a get away honeymoon, but we were both busy with finishing up our dissertations.  So we went back to our little cinderblock house, made love, and then met with my in-laws and some other relatives for dinner.  The special day was done and the reality of being married set in.

I think that we both were not only excited but wondering what we had gotten into.  What would our lives together be like?  We embarked on a journey that day, using the skills that we had learned and carrying along all the baggage that we had put together.  Thankfully, we have honed our skills and discarded most of the baggage.  We've learned to shape a life together.  And we aren't the same kids that we were back then--having unreal expectations of each other and everyone else.  Our sharp edges have been softened with each other.

Lines written for a thirtieth wedding anniversary

Somewhere up in the eaves it began:

high in the roof – in a sort of vault

between the slates and the gutter – a small leak.

Through it, rain which came from the east,

in from the lights and foghorns of the coast – 

water with a ghost of ocean salt in it – 

spilled down on the path below.

Over and over and over

years stone began to alter,

its grain searched out, worn in:

granite rounding down, giving way

taking into its own inertia that 

information water brought, of ships,

wings, fog and phosphor in the harbour.

It happened under our lives: the rain,

the stone. We hardly noticed. Now

this is the day to think of it, to wonder:

all those years, all those years together –

the stars in a frozen arc overhead,

the quick noise of a thaw in the air,

the blue stare of the hills – through it all

this constancy: what wears, what endures.— Eavan Boland

Enjoying the day

I left to go on the boat this morning. We had our home-cooked turkey dinner on Sunday. And on Thursday, I'll be fixing a turkey feast on the boat, even if on a smaller scale.

This is our first Thanksgiving without my wife's parents being here with us. Her dad is in the nursing home. He is frail and can no longer walk. Her mom is living in their home with the two caregivers. So C. is going to visit both of them on Thanksgiving day. I have one of the Labradors with me. She and I will enjoy some beach walks and snoozing on the boat.

Not much new has been going on. I have been to my usual meetings, took in an open AA meeting, worked with those I sponsor, and have signed up for a class in Radar which will give me an endorsement for that on my Captain's license. Towboat work is slow now so I decided another course would be good.

We celebrate our wedding anniversary on Monday November 26. We were married in our twenties. Some days it seems long ago and others not so long at all. I know that we love each other a lot.

I'll leave you with a few photos from the day. Have a great Thanksgiving if you celebrate it.

Neat little rows

We have been working on the flower beds this week.  My wife has wanted an English garden so now we have two of them.  Neither of us like planting flowers in neat little rows so the beautiful chaos of an English garden is fine.  

I went to the garden center twice this week, filling up the truck with Salvia, Delphinium, Lavender, Cleome, yarrow, Dianthus, Gaillardia, and others.  We have grown our own marigolds and zinnias from seeds that were planted in the greenhouse.  It's tough on plants in the heat and humidity of the deep coastal South.  But for now, on this cool morning, the gardens look wonderful. 

This morning we are getting a bouquet ready for the parents who celebrate their 70 years together.  I know those years weren't necessarily all happy.  But today, I'm choosing to look on the positive side.  I see the photos from their cruises together--both look happy. I look at the Christmas photos of them hugging each other.  And I remember that my mother-in-law told me only a few months ago that "I really love that man".  Seventy years--more than a lifetime for some.  I know that there were some good times during that stretch of years.  

Marriage is such a complicated thing, not only from a legal standpoint but from the hype that we buy into about spending time together, having meaningful discussions, sharing finances, staying in sickness and in health.  So many expectations that no wonder people freak out when they discover that the person they married isn't all that they had hoped for.  Do we ever find anyone who is all that we hoped for?  I don't think so.  I think that we just accept what we can,  and if we can't find anything acceptable then we part.  

Not as many people are making the commitment to marry as in years past.  I understand the reasoning.  With divorce rates being so high, it's a leap of faith to think that you will still love the same person that you married after 20, 50 or 70 years.  I can't imagine my life without my wife today, but there have been days when I could easily imagine it.  Marriage isn't like the neat little rows in a garden, but has its share of chaos too.  If you string together enough good days though, then the occasional bad one or two isn't so hard.   We have strung together some good days this week and over our years together.  I'm a lucky fellow. 

Have I told you lately?

We went out to dinner with a couple that has been at the marina for a few years.    Somehow we started talking about expressing love.  My wife and I looked at each other and said that we start the day by saying that we love each other, and we end the day that way as well.

I can remember my grandmother telling me that it is important to tell those you love that you do indeed love them and to reinforce those words with actions of love.  Sadly, I don't know that people express in words or deeds their love.  The couple we were with at dinner said that they haven't said "I love you" in six years.   But they have only been married for six years!

I take a lot of life's lessons from music.  One of those songs that came into my head as we were talking was Van Morrison's "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You".  It's a beautiful song and one that reminds me to express verbally the love that I feel for someone who fills my heart with gladness.

You see, in spite of those times that weren't glad,  I still felt a huge amount of love for the person that I knew was being controlled by alcohol.  When she wasn't drinking, times were wonderful.  It was only when the disease would plant itself firmly between us that I would feel love diminishing.  I think that we are lucky that the flame didn't die out.  There were some pretty cold embers and not much spark for a long time.

Another thing that my grandmother said was not to go to bed angry.  Well,  I went to bed a lot of nights angry.  It did nothing good for me.  I would sleep little, be worn out the next day, and feel resentful and miserable.  Now, we do our best to resolve issues so that we can go to bed saying that we love one another.  I have learned that promptly admitting when I am wrong goes a long way towards getting over anger.  

I believe true intimacy with other people is borne out of self love.  I know my own understanding of love and intimacy has changed a lot since becoming a part of this recovery program. Before recovery,  I felt righteous indignation, resentment, superiority and justified distancing was something I was rightly entitled to. Thanks to recovery today I feel intimacy isn't a contest of wills but an exercise in vulnerability.  I found these two Al-Anon books helped me to understand myself and my partner:  Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship and the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

I am glad that we don't just co-exist without love.  It might work for some people.  Or perhaps there is love, but it isn't easily expressed.  I like that we have worked on being able to re-state our love and communicate it freely. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.  If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.

Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,

Meets the day with hope and comfort too,

You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,

Ease my troubles, that's what you do. ~ Van Morrison

Throwing away

Life has settled down once again.  My father-in-law was discharged and so the elderly couple are reunited.  They have managed to make it through so many years of marriage for reasons that few can comprehend.  Their vow of "until death do us part" is one that they practice.

I suppose that I feel the same way.  Maybe it is the co-dependent in me who is not willing to toss away another person when the going gets rough.  Although I was walking out the door due to being fed up with alcoholism, I know that in my heart, I was being torn apart.  I loved another, not because of vows or legalities, but because I truly loved this person that I married.  I knew her worth underneath the alcoholic demeanor.  I knew that she was a good person through and through.  Difficult, sad, stubborn--but still filled with goodness.  I used to tell people that she is the best person I know.  I believe that still.

We are a society that throws away people and things that we no longer want.  We give up way too easily.  Few want to dig deep within themselves to look for solutions.  Thankfully,  I have found a great deal of inner strength in Al-Anon.  I am a solution oriented thinker.  I don't throw away people or animals.  I need to throw away some things in the house but instead I take them to Good Will or give them to the nearby church who finds a way to distribute them to those in need.

I am glad to not be too quick to cast off lines but to contemplate the wind and the current to see how the boat will move away from her slip.  Life is like that.  I don't cast off lines easily.  I weigh circumstances, seek solutions, search within for forgiveness, and realize that each of us is so imperfect.

Working on love

Yesterday, C. and I got up early and went for a long walk.  The temperature and humidity are starting to be bearable.  We took three dogs with us who had a great time sniffing, leaving pee mail, and cavorting.

After the walk we went for a sail.  I haven't just sailed to be sailing about for a while.  Generally, there is a destination.  But I think that having a few hours every Wednesday, regardless of weather, to go sailing is a good idea.  It was a lovely breezy day, making the whole experience a delight.  After that we cooked dinner on the boat and then headed home. We were both asleep by 10:30 PM which is early for me.

I don't think that we could have gotten through the day without a lot of angry words a few years ago. Although we still have a long way to go,  I think that our love has deepened over time.  I can see progress in trusting, not isolating, not blaming, and knowing how to express our feelings.  I still want to draw her closer when she withdraws. 

I understand though that there has to be balance in a relationship.  I can see that we are becoming more balanced and that emotional detachment doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Some of us are capable of great, fierce love.  Others love the only way that they know how.  I have learned that my insecurities about how to love and being loved don't have to be a struggle.

I hear a friend tell me that he is starving for love.  He loves his wife but cannot take the emotional withdrawal and self-absorption of the dry drunk alcoholic.  Their views of love don't match.  He believes his wife loves him but doesn't know how to express love in a mature way.  He wants balance in the relationship and an equally loving partner. It may or may not happen.

Living with an alcoholic can be so lonely.  My choice was to take care of myself and not try to make the other person fulfill all my emotional needs.  The most important question for me became, "Do I love myself?" I am still working on that.
 

Communication

I had a really good weekend and even decided to stay on the boat last night as well.  It was very relaxing.  We laughed, talked about a lot of things, and slept soundly both on the boat and at home. I really like these weekend getaways that we have.  It really provides some much needed time for intimacy and communication.

It was meant to be that tonight's meeting topic was on communication.  Communication can really deteriorate in relationships with an alcoholic.  I can remember when I thought that she was funny and sexy during the drinking days of our courtship.  But eventually, the blush on that rose wore off, and I saw that her drunken conversations were a source of embarrassment for me, especially at social gatherings. There was a lot of sarcasm and thinly disguised anger from me.

Over the last few years in Al-Anon, I have come to understand how destructive our old way of communicating was:  I used to badger and manipulate to get my point across and get my way.  I tried arguing which was a failure especially when the alcoholic is drunk.  I think that I wanted to pick a fight.  Not a single thing was accomplished by my getting angry, hostile or being a martyr. 

Now, I realize that she is an individual in her own right with her own ideas.  I don't need to tell her what to do or how to run her life.  She has a program and her own Higher Power.  I cannot be either to her.  So I treat her and most people I encounter with the courtesy they deserve.  Reading about how we communicate from the Al-Anon book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, has helped me to understand a lot better just how destructive alcoholism is with communicating.

I can speak my truth without condemning the other person.  By tiptoeing around a situation and keeping silent, I am making it seem that I agree.  I have learned that it is important for me to talk about what I want and what my needs are.  I have a right to an opinion today and can express myself without fearing some kind of reprisal.  We may not agree but I am not afraid to speak up.  If we disagree, then that is okay because I have learned to be courteous and not take things personally.

Strange and very typical that I had no trouble speaking up when she had been drinking. I had lots to say then.  And the next morning, I could play the hostile martyr role well.  Thankfully, I know not to harbor resentments or dump my feelings on another.  This is especially hard for the alcoholic because my feelings can often overwhelm her.  No one can handle my emotions and feelings.  That was an unrealistic expectation that I had of my partner being able to take care of my emotions.

Our life today is much less closed than before recovery.  We are patient with each other,  we tell each other how much we love each other every day,  I know that she is the same person that I fell in love with years ago.  We both are evolving to explore new ways to communicate. And as I find out more definitively who I am,  I am also finding that love and closeness we had at the start.  I do not have to allow this disease to take that from me.  I can choose to control how I think and act and talk, I can choose to be the loving person I was.  And I find in doing so, I am getting better and we are getting better together.
  

"You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. "
from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

Hearts

"When we first fall in love, the powerful force of possibility grips us and pulls us along deeper and deeper into the days. When first shaping the bonds of love, we look at each other with incredible freshness and appreciate who is before us...... Inevitably, though, as we grow intimate, we begin to lose sight of each other, and there comes a day when we no longer see our loved one as others do. Now we see inside of their face, up close. Now we swim in each other like a mysterious river in which we sometimes see ourselves, and sometimes soothe ourselves, and sometimes drink of each other. Eventually, we climb into the painting we once stared at with our pounding heart, and from inside the painting, we can forget there ever was such a painting. This is how we can take each other for granted. This is how we can imagine that the magic is gone. But, as the reward for being drawn to the sea is to swim with the waves, the reward for being drawn into the depth of another is to feel each other rather than to see each other." from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.
We spent time this morning just holding each other.  We do that a lot, not just on Valentine's Day.  A closeness that is so intimate.  It isn't the fevered pitch of the first time that we touched each other.  It is comfort, passion, compassion, joy and acceptance all rolled together.  I call the feeling love. 

I surely have had those moments when I didn't want to see or feel the person that I love.  Feelings may have ebbs and flows.  Yet love remained constant,  strongly pulling us to each other.  Even after arguments, love meant that we could forgive, let go of what happened yesterday and move to where we are today.  I know that I do see and feel the person I love. I don't have pretend fantasies any more. We know each other so well.  I also cannot imagine life without her.  I'm grateful for sharing the days that we've had together.  I don't think that it was by accident that we were attracted to each other.

I see all those things.  I see us progressing in years.  I see us growing old together.  And I love what I see.  She will be my love today as she has been since we first met. 

Wedding anniversary

Today is our anniversary.  It amazes me that we have gone against the odds and are still together.  I don't think that our friends in graduate school thought that we would last.  I realize that there was ample evidence for what they thought.  And yet, here we are, so many years later. 

We aren't the same people as we were back then.  I believe that we have learned from each other over the years.  There is more respect and understanding for each other, more acceptance of who we are in the marriage, and more confidence that our lives are intertwined for a reason.

To say that being in recovery has made a big difference in the last four and a half years is an understatement.  I wanted fervently for C. to get help for many years.  I knew that she had a problem with alcohol.  What I didn't realize was that I had a problem too.  Alcoholism had made me into an angry, ungrateful, demanding, unhappy person.  I not only didn't love my wife, I didn't love myself either. Nor does it seem that I loved anyone else.  

Recovery was the fork in the road for us.  Thankfully, we took the road that has lead us to where we are today.  We have forgiven the past.  We understand that today is what we have.  We ask to do God's will.  And understand that regardless of the mistakes made,  we still love each other. 

We don't know how long our journey will be, but we know we'll be together to the end and this makes the bad times more bearable, and the good times even better.

It's spooning time

Last night and tonight have been refreshingly chilly.  That means the temperatures have dipped into the upper 50's along this stretch of the coast.  Today we had all the windows open  The northeast breeze was coming in to replace the conditioned air of a house shut up against the summer heat with the smell of the outdoors in fall.

The nights have been delightful for sleeping.  In the summer,  it's hard to be comfortable at night even with ceiling fans and AC going.  I don't know how you sleep when the weather is hot and sticky.  But we seem to do much better when the frost is on the pumpkin.

You see, we have slept together for all of our married life and for a few years before that.  There have been occasions during the drinking years, that I would leave and go sleep on the couch.  But most of the time,  we have slept together.  We started out in a double bed when we first married.  We kept that bed for many years.  It was bought from a fellow graduate student.

Later, after we moved here,  we bought a queen size tester bed.  That's what we have slept in for years.  The mattress has been changed over the past four years and is thick and comfortable.  We went to the mattress store and lay around on various mattresses to try them out.  C. thought that she wanted one of the Swedish mattresses until she actually had lain on one.  She kind of sank into it and declared that it was too hot and felt as if she were being engulfed.  Obviously, those mattresses probably do better in colder climates such as Sweden where it would be nice to sink deep into a mattress when it is -5 C.  

I don't sleep well when it's hot.  I don't want a lot of covers on me or clothes.  It is a good idea to have a queen size bed since it allows us to drift to cooler parts of the bed in the summer.  And when the cool nights come in fall, we become heat seekers and sleep like two spoons with arms and legs intertwined.  In winter, we become a bit competitive with the blankets.  Sometime in the middle of the night,  one of us with try to hijack the blanket, leaving the other stuck out in the cold.  I'm not going to say who the hijacker is.

Even when we aren't spooning, I like the idea of being able to reach out an arm or leg and touch her as she is lying there.  It is a comfort.  And tonight, well, I think that it's cool enough that we will likely sleep snuggled together with the window open, the water garden making its splashing sound, and the sweet smell of tea olive on the breeze.

Is love a decision?

I have thought of love as a feeling.  When it is getting started, it is such a rush of emotion.  I can't imagine how anything could be more powerful.  But maybe after all the hormones get roused and then routine sets in, love becomes more of a decision than a feeling.  It's hard to know what love is because it can sometimes be such an intense feeling while at other times, I think that it is a momentous decision.

Dictionaries define love simply as "an intense feeling of deep affection". So that would mean that love is at the level of other feelings like anger, sadness, happiness. But then there is the other concept of love being a conscious decision to care for someone. Obviously, there are going to be times when you don't feel much love, yet you have decided that overall you do love the person in spite of all their warts and other unlovable things.

But maybe there's a third option here that relates more to chemical dependency. There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you're in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we're in long-term relationships.

The falling in love part comes with those feelings of giddiness and a racing heart, flushed skin, and pure bliss. These physiological feelings come from the chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine that are released into our system. Dopamine is called the "pleasure chemical". Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. Together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. So there appears to be a reason for feeling "love sick" and addicted to love. And it is mighty powerful stuff.

MRI's have been used to examine the brains of people who are looking a photo of their romantic interest during the initial crazed stage of attraction. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens focus, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. What this means is that couples in this stage of love think of little else but each other. Definitely I have done that, so much that I couldn't sleep.

Other research has shown that the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage may be the result of lower levels of serotonin. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.  And this is a behavior that I see wasn't healthy at all, but I'm glad that someone has a physiological reason for it.

But these chemicals can't be sustained for a long period of time and gradually the passionate focus-crazed love-attraction phase wanes and is replaced by commitment, if the relationship continues.

Maybe this is where the decision part comes into play. Love at this stage isn't about chemicals as much as it is about choices. And sacrifice and concern for the other person. As one writer put it, love is about stubbornness and the ability to stick with a person through the worst of times.

And that's where I am glad that Al-Anon comes into play. Because if love were just a feeling and not a decision, I don't think that I would still be married. It seems that the longer you're with a person, the more that love becomes a decision.

Maybe after a while there is just too much history between the two people to consider parting.  It is just too much trouble to sort through what's yours and what's mine.  Maybe there is much truth to the fact that keeping a relationship healthy requires immovability.  And once you have lived a combined life for so long, who has the energy to figure out who owns the original Bob Dylan Highway 61 and who owns the Let It Bleed album by the Stones?

Dirt under my nails

 Today we had a grand time together.  We worked in the garden in the morning when it was still cool.  It was a little sad to pull up all the tomatoes and the cucumber vines that had produced so much for us over the last few months.  But they have run their course now.

So we weeded and pulled vines, leaving behind those plants that were still producing.  This is what the garden looked like when we were done.

The peppers are still prolific.  I picked one that was at least 12 inches long.  It was a Mexican sweet pepper.  We will make some pepper jelly soon with the hot and sweet peppers.  It is my mother's recipe and the jelly is generally a big hit with people, especially at Christmas when we give jars to friends.

The okra is still producing little pods.  Okra loves the hot weather that we have had.  We will probably get another month of pods off the plants. I will hate to see the okra go because it has truly been hardy. 

We also aerated the compost so that the soil can be amended prior to planting.  I really like these compost bins. The soil is already rich here because the property was once part of a large plantation and all the land was cleared and planted, probably in cotton.  The fields were allowed to grow up and now mature trees of pine, oak, sweet gum, and magnolia cover a lot of the property. 

And here is what we picked today.  For lunch, C. made a bastardized version of ratatouille with the peppers, okra, eggplant, onion, and some tomatoes.  It was awesome.  Look at the size of that sweet pepper--huge, right?

After lunch, we went to buy seed to plant: beets, carrots, broccoli, winter squash, kale, mustard greens.  The actual sets for some of the plants that we want to put in weren't in yet so we got a few fall flowers to plant in the front flower beds.  I was looking for clematis because it smells so sweet this time of year.  I'll have to check at another garden center in town for it.   But we bought some globe amaranth,  a plumbago, and some mondo grass to put in large pots.  We also picked up a few cacti for the little desert gardens that we have going in some ceramic containers.

There is something so neat about being among the plants and looking for a few new varieties to try.  It was just a fun day.  Working side by side with dirt under our nails was fun.

It reminded me of the time when we had our first house, and I made a round flower garden for C.  I filled it will all kinds of flowers.  And we had our very first vegetable garden at that first house of ours.  That was a while ago.  We were much younger and filled with all kinds of ideas and dreams.  Now we are older and still filled with ideas and dreams.  And today we shared those things together without distractions.  Amazing what the promise of the coming season can do.

Innocence

She looks at me through green eyes rimmed with dark silky lashes.  

She delights in the most simple of things,

which makes me want to give her so much more.  

Sometimes I will simply watch her sleep.  

She is indeed older now, with fine lines around her mouth.  

But she still looks amazingly youthful.  

Her skin is smooth and warm.  

I still see the young woman that I met so many years ago. 

Her innocence is still there, 

her heart still open and trusting, 

her gaze still level and inquiring, 

her smile is still warm and inviting. 

I wonder how she sees me. 

Does she see innocence in me still?

Or have the years put a hard edge on me 

that her softness can't seem to dull. 

I wrote this watching my love sleep.  Her arm was flung across her chest, her breath came softly, and her hair was in a tangle.  I wanted to reach out to hold her but was captivated by her innocence.  My heart was full of love.

After forty years, what's next?

Well, there were some forty year milestones in the news and none of them were happy.  First, there was the death of 40 year old Andrew Koppel, who went on a long drinking binge during the course of the day and ended up dead in a seedy apartment in Washington Heights, NYC.  It's thought that he died from alcohol poisoning.  I want to write something profound but the words escape me.  All I can picture is the horror of drinking and dying in one's own vomit and feces.  And yet he talked earlier in the day to the new drinking buddy about his daughter that he loved so much.  Love isn't a match for alcoholism. It gets beaten back every time.

And love brings me to the next item in the news. I heard as many did the announcement that Al and Tipper Gore were separating after forty years of marriage.  Forty years is a long time to be together.  Forty years is a lot of shared history-- a lot of honey-do's, a lot of honey please don't, a lot of hugs and kisses, tears and laughter.  A lot of a lot. 

A sponsee asked me whether I thought that people were meant to marry anymore.  I honestly don't know.  I think that fewer people have the commitment that it takes to weather the hard times. The easy times are the gravy but the difficult moments are the grist in a marriage.

I think that failing to communicate and isolating from each other create a chasm that is hard to bridge.  C. and I still reminisce over silly moments that we've had.  Last night we talked about the time we stuffed manicotti using "cookie shooter" and it shot the stuffing for the manicotti all over the ceiling.  We often bring up these moments that have been shared. They bind us together. 

Even the times when we had difficulties have lost their bite.  C. once hit me in the back with a chili dog when she was angry at something I wasn't doing when she wanted it done.  We can laugh about those things now. And the really bad times are the ones that we don't discuss with each other but let them lay fallow,  because to re-visit them with each other serves no purpose.   

I guess I hope that Mr. and Mrs. Gore remain friends and perhaps just separate.  Maybe with some time and space, they will decide that they will stick it out for the rest of their years.  I would like to tell my sponsee that marriage is alive and well today.  And that familiarity just brings us closer, makes us love each other more, and doesn't drive us apart.