Sick and suffering

I finished up radar on Wednesday, taking exams in the afternoon. I was relieved to receive a great score, one that I feel I don't deserve.  I was in class with fellows who work full time in the maritime industry and who have spent years at sea.  I was called the "blow boat" captain in class, and also called Dr. Syd. And yes, the instructor was making fun of me.  It's okay though.  I used the tools of the program to not take it personally, focus on first things first, and get it done.

The lack of deserving comes from the familiar Impostor Syndrome in which I think that I don't deserve the success I've achieved.  I think that it comes from the effects of alcoholism, which tells me that my success has come from deceiving others into thinking I am more intelligent and competent than I really am. I fight those thoughts of being an impostor whenever something good happens that brings attention to me in a setting where achievements are noted.

Fast forward to the Al-Anon convention where I had a good few days of speakers and workshops.  I know that I was still stuck in "freak out" stress from the testing mode when I arrived.  I felt manic which is not common for me.  But I was glad to shake off the test stress and shift gears into a more calming place in my head and heart.

A lot of pain and healing was evident in the workshops.  People shared about feelings and healing after the loss of loved ones from drugs and alcohol.  Powerful stuff.  I enjoyed hearing the AA speaker who was engaging, funny and had a great message of recovery.  The Alateen speaker was really good, having so much enlightenment for a 17 year old.  What a great benefit that program is to young people.  I tell a 19 year old that I sponsor how fortunate it is that he is learning about himself at such a young age.

Today, I am processing news of a friend who has suffered a devastating loss from the disease.  I know the disease wants to kill those who embrace it.  If you will, please say a prayer for those who are sick and suffering.  I am hoping that they find their way.


You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.― Anne Lamott

Celebrating the beauty of ugly

In Al-Anon, I was told to make positive affirmations about myself. At first, that seemed fairly difficult because I didn't have a lot of positive things to say.

Growing up, I was tall, a bit shy and had a lot of insecurities about looks. Now I realize that how I thought of myself on the inside did affect how I projected myself on the outside. I wasn't particularly outgoing around others because I deeply wanted to fit in, yet my attitude proclaimed that I didn't care.

It's interesting how the criticism of my father was something that I took to heart. I've since learned that people speak through their own lens of character defects. And that not every word is an absolute truth.

And I've come to understand more and more that there is beauty in the strangest things. Beauty can be unconventional. So now I celebrate my own "beauty" both internally and externally. I appreciate the beauty of others, even when that beauty is unconventional…perhaps especially when the beauty is unconventional.

And so this serious discussion about beauty brings me to the celebration of a particularly unconventional critter. Today is Hagfish day. I know that it isn't one of those great events that many people know about.

But the humble hagfish is really an interesting critter. Here are some fascinating facts:

1. The hagfish secretes a small amount of very dense, balled up protein when “grabbed” or startled. Tiny amounts of this protein are secreted through the skin, but can create up to 20 liters of slime nearly instantaneously as it reacts with sea water. It seems that the balled up proteins are REALLY attracted to water molecules, and once those bad boys get together they make a jello party. This slime can completely trap the predator attacking the hagfish and suffocate it by clogging its gills… which sets up the next crazy point.
2. Hagfish have learned to escape their own slime by tying themselves into an ordinary overhand knot, and then slipping through their own knot to free themselves.
3. Hagfish also have learned to use their slime for other purposes. In particular, hagfish are well known in Cape Cod for ruining fish hauls from trawlers. Hagfish will prey on fish captured in nets; however they don't have jaws or sharp teeth to cut into the tough fish scales. Instead, they have learned to swim into the mouth of captured fish, eating its way out through the entire intestinal tract and finally exiting where… well, where things exit the body. So sometimes fishermen will pull up a haul with several fish that are nothing but skin and bones. I knew that would make you wince!

This fish truly is an example of celebrating the beauty of ugly.

"Lucky" me

What a good weekend in spite of high 90's and humidity so thick that it could be cut with a knife. I got to spend time with friends, tour the tall ships, relax and read.

Even though I am feeling a bit tired after a busy weekend, I feel happy today. And have no particular things that are weighing on my mind.

I feel extraordinarily "lucky" to be where I am in life. My sponsor should be back in town today. The city that I live near is beautiful. The island that I live on is magnificent. My wife and I still love each other in spite of all that we've been through. I have great friends who care about me. I have a good job where most of the time I do interesting things. I have a great fellowship of people who understand me and don't judge.

Those are all things that came about because of God's plan and not mine. I don't really think that luck had much to do with it. But it's one way to think about how things are today. They could be so much worse than they are.

This afternoon I'm going to have some minor surgery. I'm thankful to be in a city where there is great medical care. And after the surgery, I'm going to go home and take it easy.

I hope that you enjoy your Monday.

Entirely ready

"So Step Six - "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" - is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The words "entirely ready" underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn. "
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 65

I like step study meetings and last night's home group topic was Step Six. I've shared about this step before. In my early days in the program, I was asked by my sponsor to estimate the number of character defects that I had. I smugly said "about 12". He chuckled.

Later, I understood the chuckle, when I wrote out my list of character defects and found to my amazement that I had 51 on my list. I went over those defects that I'd put on paper and asked myself which ones was I ready to be rid of and which ones I was clinging to. I put 51 small pieces of paper with each character defect listed in my God Box.

Each day as I would pull out a different defect, I would pray for the willingness to let it go. Those that I was still clinging to would go back in the box. And I would ask myself if I was willing to give up that defect in order to be happy. I still have a few of those defects that I haven't gotten rid of. I'm still clinging to them like a security blanket.

I know that one of these days these defects will be ones that I am entirely ready to have God remove. But those defects that I'm not aware of are the ones that will be sticking with me for a long time. That's why my sponsor thought that it was important to be really thorough in listing the defects.

Last night my sponsor and I talked about some defects that still hang with me: fear of rejection, controlling behavior, selfishness, dishonesty. And we talked about how we can choose to either beat ourselves up over these defects or choose spiritual release without self-condemnation.

Here are some positive thoughts about being entirely ready:
1. I'm entirely ready to let go of my self-hate and negative beliefs about myself. I am ready to acknowledge the good things about myself.
2. I am ready to delight in those things that bring me joy and not withhold from myself love, happiness, and enjoyment in life.
3. I am ready to let go of those things that I can't control or that stand in the way of my true happiness.

So this is my take on being entirely ready: when I truly feel that a trait of mine (say, selfishness) has outlived its usefulness, I will do my best to become willing to let go of it. It's an attitudinal shift that's called for; I have to be willing to let go of my old way of doing things, before new ways will occur to me.

Look at yourself

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, staring really hard into the eyes looking back at you and said an affirmation? I look at myself in the mirror every morning and evening--combing my hair, brushing my teeth, and doing the general routine of getting ready for work or for bed. But seldom do I look into the eyes reflected in the mirror and think about something positive.

I may think that I have a few more gray hairs or that I need to lose a couple of pounds or that I need to shave but it's not much that's personal and positive about me. The other night at a meeting, we passed around a mirror and people were supposed to look into the mirror and say something positive about themselves. They were supposed to give an affirmation.

One lady took the mirror and closed it, saying that she didn't want to look at herself. She was gently coaxed by a long-timer to take a peek and say something good about herself. She sneaked a peek and said quickly that she was living a better life than ever before. We all smiled.

I'm going to work on looking at myself more often. And I'll say something positive about me such as "I'm feeling better about myself in many ways" or "I'm unique and special" or any of the many other affirmations that could be listed. Al-Anon's literature has a lot of affirmations. So now I can add some of my own that focus on the good things in my recovery rather than the problems in my life.

Affirmations for today

Here are some affirmations that came from an Al-Anon workshop. I thought that they were a good way to start the week.

-I deserve happiness and peace in my life.
-I have an excellent mind.
-I can choose to have serenity and peace in my life.
-I am a kind and caring person.
-I deserve great happiness.
-I am worthy of being happy, joyous, and free.
-I see the positive things instead of the negative.
-I will let go of resentments.
-I will accept you just as you are.
-I are a capable, strong, loving person who is a positive influence on others.
-I can be counted on to be there when you need me.
-I am one of God's finest creations – and will use the gifts given to me.
-I deserve the whole rainbow of colors.
-I can do whatever I set my mind to do.
-I can trust that life will fold out the way God intended. It will be OK.
-I have a lot to be happy about.
-I know my Higher Power is with me and that gives me peace of mind.
-I deserve to be loved and cared for, and am loved and cared for.
-I have made a difference in the lives of others.
-My work is important and I am contributing to the improvement of the lives of others in this world. My life has meaning.
-I can let go and detach with full faith in my Higher Power.
-I have done a good job with my work.
-I deserve the best in this life.
-I am a good friend to others.
-I am creative, smart, and intuitive
-I share my strength, hope, love, and experience freely with others.
-I deserve to have a life without chaos.
-I can be depended on.
-I am okay where I am in life right now. God loves me regardless.
-I am true to myself.
-I can see how the program is working through my actions and deeds.

"Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul; unbelief, in denying them." --Ralph Waldo Emerson