The other Three C's

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

I was with my qualifier all weekend, either doing something fun or working on a project for the boat. We never used to be able to work on any project together. I either felt criticized for what I was doing, or I was busy taking her inventory and condemning right back.

There were moments when we were discussing the boat project yesterday that I wanted to criticize or offer an opinion in an impatient manner. It's easy to lapse into the old pattern of thinking that I have a quick solution and to not listen to what the other person has to say. When either of us begins to condemn mentally and speak critically, it signifies that I've bought back into the idea that I'm right and my wife is failing my expectations.

But being critical, complaining and condemning is not going to motivate her or anyone else to change. I have learned over the years in a professional capacity that destructive criticism isn't much appreciated. Being critical can evoke feelings of tension, resentment, and hurt. Criticism can cross the line to condemnation that puts a person on the defensive and wounds self-esteem. It isn't a good way to increase morale. And that's because no matter how logical criticism may seem, we humans are not creatures of logic but creatures of emotion.

So I've come to understand that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut rather than to criticize, condemn and complain. That seems to fit with taking full responsibility for my attitude, and I like that as well.

Fortunately, it helps to be involved in a program that tells me not to change what others are doing or thinking. Who am I to tell another that “what you’re doing is wrong”? I may think that I have a better way, but do I?

I've also found that when I am complaining, condemning and criticizing, I'm wanting others to fix a problem without contributing anything myself. I was once in a meeting in which a colleague would repeatedly say, "No, I don't like that idea". He would say this over and over when something would come up on the table for discussion. Yet, he never offered a solution--not once. Eventually, the meeting became more and more unproductive because resentments built, people quit listening, and others felt it was pointless to make any more recommendations that would meet with more criticism.

So, at times like these, in a relationship of any kind, I've found it most helpful to be tactful and open-minded. I can ask for a compromise or that someone consider another viewpoint. And in my marriage, I've learned that if I don't fall back into my fears and remain open to trust, then it's likely that what is said won't be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem.

And there's another option as well. I don't have to approve of everything or find a positive side to every situation. I can still say "No thank you" and explain my reasons. I can also write out my complaints in my journal. It seems that setting them down on paper puts things in a different light. And then I don't have to voice them out loud.

Thankfully, we were able to complete the boat project without either of us getting angry. We worked towards the solution and added in a lot of humor as we worked. And in the end, there was a sense of accomplishment, happiness and celebration. Not bad for a day's work.

The Three C's

One of the things that I've learned in Al-Anon is that I'm not responsible for someone else's drinking. The slogan that captures this is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". A lot of people come into the program trying to find a way to stop their alcoholic from drinking. Look at the writings of Lois Wilson and all that she tried to do for Bill W. She tried everything including getting drunk herself to show him what the terrible effects of alcohol were. There are a lot of people who come to Al-Anon to find that answer. But what they hear is that they can't stop anyone from doing anything (Step One) but that we ourselves have problems that have to be dealt with. Some of these issues that we bring into the program are very self-destructive. The controlling behavior, the anger, sadness and fear can make life miserable. We think that it's possible to exert control over another, yet we don't want to be controlled ourselves and, in many cases, our emotions are out of control. Some, including myself, have just been ready to give up on everything when we first went to a meeting.

What I've come to learn through Al-Anon, is that the alcoholics in my life don't drink because of me. They drink because they are alcoholics. Nothing that I can say or do will change that. Instead I have learned through the steps to deal with my own issues and to take care of myself. When I do that, then I can begin to recover from the effect that the disease has had on me.

The first part of the Three C's is that I didn't cause my loved one's alcoholism. Nothing I did caused the alcoholic to drink. The drinking started many years before I even knew the alcoholics in my life. What I have heard from my S.O. is a lot of blame thrown at me for just being me. It's not unusual for alcoholics to cast blame on the people who are closest to them. This is simply an attempt to justify the drinking. By accepting that I didn't cause alcoholism, I am relieved of guilt that I have felt about my father and my spouse. If only I had been a better son or if only I had been a better husband....well, I've learned that no matter what I would have done, nothing would have been different for the alcoholic. It's an illness/disease that caused the problem, not me.

Learning that you can't control your loved one's behavior is another crucial part of recovery. You can share your thoughts and feelings with an alcoholic. You can even impose certain consequences if your loved one drinks. But the decision to seek treatment is one that only your loved one can make. For some, this means watching a descent into the abyss. For all who love the alcoholic, it means that they have to detach and no longer manipulate situations so that the alcoholic won't drink. In Step One, I learned that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

The final part of the trilogy is that you can't cure your loved one's alcoholism. There is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholics will always be recovering but not cured. There's no treatment that allows alcoholics to return to moderate drinking. The Big Book indicates that it's best to completely abstain from alcohol. But again, the decision to abstain rests with the alcoholic, not me. By not being able to cure alcoholism, I don't need to repeat all the same old things over and over hoping to find a solution. There is no magic cure, and I've learned that I don't need to exhaust myself hoping that the "last ditch" effort will make the drinking stop. I know now that the best thing to help an alcoholic is another alcoholic.

Remembering these three points has allowed me to respond to an alcoholic's behavior by taking care of myself rather than reacting based on anxiety or resentment. If I start feeling anger, fear and resentment, then I will take the steps necessary to stop my destructive thoughts and get back into myself. This may involve leaving for a while, calling my sponsor, going to do something that I want to do or a host of other things that will get the focus off the alcoholic and onto me. And this is the essence of detaching with love.