Sick and suffering

I finished up radar on Wednesday, taking exams in the afternoon. I was relieved to receive a great score, one that I feel I don't deserve.  I was in class with fellows who work full time in the maritime industry and who have spent years at sea.  I was called the "blow boat" captain in class, and also called Dr. Syd. And yes, the instructor was making fun of me.  It's okay though.  I used the tools of the program to not take it personally, focus on first things first, and get it done.

The lack of deserving comes from the familiar Impostor Syndrome in which I think that I don't deserve the success I've achieved.  I think that it comes from the effects of alcoholism, which tells me that my success has come from deceiving others into thinking I am more intelligent and competent than I really am. I fight those thoughts of being an impostor whenever something good happens that brings attention to me in a setting where achievements are noted.

Fast forward to the Al-Anon convention where I had a good few days of speakers and workshops.  I know that I was still stuck in "freak out" stress from the testing mode when I arrived.  I felt manic which is not common for me.  But I was glad to shake off the test stress and shift gears into a more calming place in my head and heart.

A lot of pain and healing was evident in the workshops.  People shared about feelings and healing after the loss of loved ones from drugs and alcohol.  Powerful stuff.  I enjoyed hearing the AA speaker who was engaging, funny and had a great message of recovery.  The Alateen speaker was really good, having so much enlightenment for a 17 year old.  What a great benefit that program is to young people.  I tell a 19 year old that I sponsor how fortunate it is that he is learning about himself at such a young age.

Today, I am processing news of a friend who has suffered a devastating loss from the disease.  I know the disease wants to kill those who embrace it.  If you will, please say a prayer for those who are sick and suffering.  I am hoping that they find their way.


You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.― Anne Lamott

Eternal student

I am home after taking my Seamanship exam.  I'm glad to be done with courses for a while.  I will have a few months off before I go to Sea School in the middle of June with the goal of getting my Captain's license.  I don't think that I will use the license in a professional capacity.  It's one of those bucket list things that I want to do.

I seem to be the eternal student of something.  I keep telling myself that I won't take another course and yet, after a few months, I'm ready to sign up again.  After Sea School, then I think that I will take a photography course or two.  Also, I want to become a vessel examiner.  Whew--lots of interests that seem to keep me studying something.  Maybe I am meant to be a jack of all trades or perhaps a dilettante.

One of the great things about having free time is that I get to explore new avenues of study.  I don't have to juggle so many commitments as when I was working full time.  I'm not sure that I have the drive anymore to put all the newly learned things towards a second career.  In fact, I can tell you that I don't have that drive.  I simply want to be learning these things because they interest me.

Next week, on Monday nights,  instead of going to a lecture, I'll be back at my home group meeting.  I have missed being away from the small group of friends that attend there.  I suppose that I will be an eternal student of Al-Anon as well. I keep going back for lots of reasons, not the least of which is my tendency to resort to old behavior patterns and ways of thinking.  It takes a while to change a lifetime of reacting to circumstances.  I am comfortable with the message, and no matter how hard I try to be perfect, I realize that this is one thing that I can't achieve through study.

“Be a Student of the Game. Like most cliches of sport, this is profound. You can be shaped, or you can be broken. There is not much in between. Try to learn. Be coachable. Try to learn from everybody, especially those who fail. This is hard." ~David Foster Wallace

Tapping on an unsuspected inner resource

I received great news last night that a good friend passed the exam for his Merchant Mariner Master's license.  This is something that he has wanted for some time.  Ten years of alcoholic drinking from his late teens into his late 20's robbed him of a high school degree,  positive study habits, and a host of other things that the non-alcoholic learns at that age.  His inability to do math has been a huge drawback.  His ADHD mind just doesn't process how to do even the simplest of equations.

I've been in touch with him while he was away at a maritime training institute.  Several phone calls were to tell me that he had passed several tests.  And then there was the phone call to tell me that he did not think that he could possibly pass the chart navigation part of the exam.  It included math formulas.  Nothing he had studied was making any sense and the courses that he took previously on navigation were like a blank in his mind.

I told him to do his best and think positively.  I went over some of the equations with him, reminding him that he mastered them before.  I don't know how the ADHD mind works, but I have some idea of alcoholic thinking which is mostly pessimistic and even negative.  He has said that this was his "last chance" to make something of himself.  Getting this license was, in his mind, an opportunity to prove that he amounted to something.  Even though he has been sober for 21 years, he feels so much unworthiness.

So he has been in lectures all day and into the evening for the past two weeks, has stayed up late and gotten up very early to study.  He has studied with the intensity of someone during college exam week.  And I wondered whether he would be able to pull it off.  Yesterday, it all came together with something clicking in his mind enough to get a 90 on the most difficult exam and scores in the high 90's on the other exams.  I am more than glad for him.  For him this was a milestone of success.

I don't know how it all came together in his mind on the one day when it really counted.  I can't explain these things, but somehow, I think that a power greater than him had a hand in this too.  And from this accomplishment, his parents, his family, his friends are all heaving a sigh of relief and smiling with joy.

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped on an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a power greater than themselves." ~Alcoholics Anonymous

Today, right now

The fall garden is complete after weeding and planting.  Today, rain is expected which will be good.  The old vines were pulled, all the beauty of their spring freshness withered by the heat of summer.

I am meeting with a man I sponsor this morning.  He is beginning to awaken to the possibilities of less worry by letting go.

In my lifetime, many of my worst fears did come true.  But I don't think that I was helped by worrying about them.  Worry wastes energy and depletes me mentally.  I would rather take action where I can.  And once I have taken appropriate action, I have to let go and trust that I can walk through the fear.

Tonight is navigation class.  I am a chapter ahead because of time spent over the weekend reading and working on navigation problems.  I am still the over-achiever.  This is one of those personality traits that can be an asset or a defect.  Balance is the key.

My wife is leaving tomorrow to visit friends in North Carolina.  This will be her first trip away since having a heart attack in February.  I know that she will have a  good time.  I know that I will miss her.  I cannot imagine life without her.  I would not have said that in the depths of despair 5 years ago.

A young man who I have known since birth has received his Merchant Mariner's document for Master of any ship in any ocean. He has reached the top in his field.  I remember my father opening clams for him and telling him stories of the ocean when he was just a little kid.  Cosmic energy and connectedness is a powerful thing.

I will do my best to be helpful to someone today.  Each life affects so many others, and the actions of one carry on to the next.  I like this quote by Lily Hardy Hammond: "You don't pay love back; you pay it forward".  I will pay it forward today.

A bright shining day

Yesterday was one of those bight shining days.  It was great to escape the heat inshore and spend over ten hours on the water.  I enjoyed the scenery, the conversation and the quiet times when no words were needed.

We talked a lot about what it means to not be fully accepted in a society that appears to welcome you with open arms, but still holds you at arm's length.  I cannot compare my experience to that of someone who has lived through periods of racial hatred.  I have not experienced hatred at such a level in my life.  And I can think of no one that I have hated.

I do know that there are situations where I too have felt unwelcome.  Mostly those situations were related to my intolerance of what I perceived as critical scrutiny and judging by others.  I was particularly intolerant of inflated egos.  And yet I would stick around, hoping to be a part of something that was simply fueling resentment.

I remember a particular experience that I had as a young professional in which I waited for over 15 minutes to say hello to an old professor who was a "star" in her field. I began to fume more and more as I waited for her to acknowledge me. It was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away. That taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the insufferable ego. 

That's why it's great to be around people who are genuine and not trying to inflate themselves.  And that is what made the day so enjoyable.  I felt that I made some friends yesterday.  And that we got along because it was simply genuine people talking to one another.  No one was playing to ego.  And to talk to someone who has a definite interest in helping others overcome barriers of poverty and racial prejudice was inspiring.  

I have to say that I was tired after such a long day.  I had no trouble sleeping peacefully, still feeling the slight rocking motion of the boat, even though I was on land.  I find that rocking motion comforting, as my body gradually makes the transition back to terra firma. 

So here are a few more photos from yesterday's journey.  It was indeed a bright and shining day.  

Thoughts

I appreciated your comments yesterday.  The great thing about being in a 12 step program is that nothing stays static. Every day is a new adventure in living. I realize that this is a difficult time for me.  I have worked in this career--it is more than just a job--for a very long time.  I studied hard to achieve the successes that I have made.  And yes, my identity has been tied up in my career.

I think of myself as a scientist. So I suppose it is only natural that there are moments when I confuse the job here with my profession.  The profession and the career can continue if I choose to do so. That is such a comforting thought.  I am not giving up my degrees, my publications, my knowledge or my experience--I am simply leaving this place of employment.  And I can always come back here to study or write and be welcomed.  I liken this to the analogy of  leaving Al-Anon for a while and then coming back.  I will feel comfortable because I know the program and can bet that I will be welcomed with warmth. And so it is with my profession.

So last night, I went to the study group and the meeting afterward.  I thought that the topic of "thoughts" was particularly appropriate.  Thoughts about myself have run the gamut from "you are a great person" to "you are such a mess and a f##kup".  I'm tending to listen a lot to the "good person" part of me more and more.

And that brings me to a great post that Smitty had on her site.  I asked her if I could reprint it here:

Nothing is more important than that I feel good about who I am. Therefore, I am going to do my best to put aside anything but positive thoughts. This means that I will try to think only good thoughts about you. While you may think this is wonderful, there is one catch: I may have to distance and detach from you in order to do this.

If I must distance myself in some ways as I learn to find a positive place of focus for myself, it is my hope that you will not take it personally. From this point on, I will not be able to listen to your fear, your criticism or your anger, as I cannot feel whole when surrounded by negativity. In order to stay in a positive place for myself I am going to detach, with love, from all that is negative around me and focus on only attracting positive things to me.

This will allow me to see things as they really are, for I cannot grow from a place that is full of frustration, anger, despair or feeling overwhelmed, through over-emphasizing the negative.

You may feel that I no longer care or will no longer be there for you. I can assure you that I will be consistently trying to think nothing but positive thoughts for you too. I will focus my thoughts of you on my hope that you get the desires and passions of your life. I will care that you find your happiness and joy. However, I realize that I am not the creator of your joy and that only you can create the things in your life that you want.

If what you want is a sounding board for your miseries or a target for your anger, then I will not be there for you. I am committed to finding joy in my life and wish for us both to thrive. If you choose to join me in accepting life on its terms, and in thriving through difficulties in this new way, I welcome you to be with me, but there will be no room for negativity. If you try to join me in negativity, then I will need to put myself first. If I find myself staying in your negativity, then I know I have some quiet homework to do! Cleaning up my side of the fence may require that I leave the scene and detach with love.

Today I am painfully aware that I cannot be weak enough to make anyone else strong, or sad enough to make anyone else happy, or confused enough to make anyone else clear, or passive enough to make anyone else a leader. I cannot and will not lose me to make a better or more complete you.

I will focus on my own desires and eagerly travel on my journey to finding joy. The measure of my success will be how much joy I attract from others and how much joy I share with others. Can you live with your joy? Then come with me, if not, I will venture forward on my own, hoping we may meet again in a new way.
 

Wishing you a good journey on this day.

Humbly asked

I have a sponsee who seems to not quite comprehend what humility means. He insists that he is right about so much. He recants stories to me about how he lost his last job, only to carry the same argumentative, defensive behavior over into a new job. Even when there is no point in arguing, he likes to get the last word in.

I don't think that I fully understood humility either until I got the necessary emotional flailing that helped me to finally begin to see there was another way. For me, I had to experience enough discomfort with what I was doing that change became necessary. I wasn't going to be humble if I clung to arrogance and self-righteousness.

Humility is a precious thing because it goes hand in hand with gratitude and serenity. I had relied so long on my own self-sufficiency that it was difficult to let my defenses down enough to even think about being humble. But once I came to believe that I could no longer carry my life's burdens by myself, I was willing to have a new way of thinking that included humility.

Humility isn't a negative quality, and it doesn't equate to humiliation. For me, it is an awareness of my shortcomings balanced with a sense of pride in my achievements. I have decided that simple awareness of who I am is humbling.

I have used my isolation, my being better than or less than, and my fear to assign blame. I can see that my sponsee has the same thoughts. It is easier to blame others than to admit that I may have shortcomings. But none of that brought me any peace or greater understanding of happiness. I could not manipulate my way through life to get my way.

I am glad to have reached a place where I no longer have to constantly defend my position. Instead I see how I can be more useful to others. And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

“Humbly’ means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.” - Lois’ Story

The ladder to achievement

100%------------I Did

90%-----------I Will

80%----------I Can

70%---------I Think I Can

60%--------I Might

50%-------I Think I Might

40%------What Is It?

30%----I Wish I could

20%---I Don't Know How

10%--I Can't

0%-I Won't

"Success is to be measured, not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

I enjoyed giving the talk last night. The place where I spoke has 33,000 acres of forests and wetlands with only 2,200 homes. The architecture was incredible. I was treated to a fabulous dinner after the talk. It was a nice way to end a beautiful day.

Today I took down the mast of the sailboat and will be trailering it to bring home for bottom cleaning and repainting with antifouling paint. It's a good time to do some maintenance now that the weather is cooler and the fouling organisms aren't settling as rapidly.

I don't like to think in terms of things that I can't do because what that usually means is that I won't do those things. I like to think in terms of action. And the action that I find most helpful today is practicing the 12 steps, doing my best to do God's will, and practicing gratitude for what is in my life.