Tuning out chaos and hate

I have seriously gotten to the point where I am sick of reading and hearing about politics in this country.  I once liked to listen to news, but over the past year I have tuned it out.  I don't even read the newspaper on a daily basis, but prefer to catch up when I can.  Nothing but the same old stuff to read anyway.  And the media are like vultures waiting for the next blood letting to occur.  So I am shutting it out.

I know that I don't have to be in the thick of political discussions, but no matter where I go, it seems to come up.  Even on a trail ride yesterday where there was so much peace, a friend started talking about Muslims and not knowing what had happened to their religion.  I kept my mouth shut.  I don't need to get into a conversation that is going to end up polarized.  And I know that I am not going to change any minds.

One of the good things about practicing the principles of Al-Anon is that I can use them as a guide to life outside of the rooms.  And now, more than ever, I am glad that I have those principles.  Things like "How important is it?", "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut", "Take what I like and leave the rest", "THINK", and "Live and let live" come to mind.  I can tune out the chaos and the hate.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been asked to sponsor another fellow who just began in Al-Anon.  He recently separated from his alcoholic wife and is having a hard time.   The same aspects of behavior that I had are there: guilt, shame, anger, fear, obsession, anxiety.  But I know that we can work through all of these together.  I have seen it happen a number of times.  A sad person becomes a powerful person.  Willingness and trust is all it takes for us to walk together in recovery over the next months.  He seems willing and trust will come.  More will be revealed as we move forward in the steps.

I am seeing signs of spring here.  The azaleas are blooming.  The garden is looking good.  This winter has been mild for which I am glad.  I am going on the boat next week. With temperatures in the 70's, it is time to get on the water.   I hope that you are all doing well.

Solutions

My solution for what I wrote about yesterday was to talk directly to the boat and business owner. I expressed my concerns over what I had heard and observed. I mentioned that another person who has been on the boat during tours made a similar observation.

The owner listened to my concerns and said that he will have a talk with the fellow about being too friendly with the kids and not being professional. He obviously does not want any problems with his business. I know that I did the right thing by going to the owner with my concerns. If nothing improves by the time that tours for school children resume in the fall, then I will say something to the fellow himself.

I realize that Live and Let Live does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior. And it doesn't mean that I stand idly by while harm is being done. My tendency is to be direct and not mince words. I simply need to process things a bit before I take action. Many times in the past I have shot from the lip in a reaction and regretted not taking time to THINK. When I can check to make sure that what I am saying is thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind, then I am on solid ground. I believe that I did that in this situation. Thanks as always for your input.

On other matters, C. and I are taking shifts in staying with her parents at night. There is help during the day but not at night. I stayed last night and will be staying for the next two nights. Her mom needs help getting to the toilet. I am strong enough to do this. I am glad to help out. We are cooking healthy meals for them. Last night, I read to her mom until she dozed off. C. has put fresh flowers in the room and sachets of lavender about. Many of these ideas came from a great post on Recovery Archive that helped me to move past any awkwardness I felt. I am grateful to Irish for her posting following the death of her dad.

Although the carefree retirement days are temporarily in hiatus, it is all okay. Even Huck Finn had a hiatus from his river life but eventually got back to it.

"It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened."
- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

You may be right

I started out the morning with a huge limb from an oak tree blocking the lane.  The limb was hollow and came crashing down as I was leaving to run some errands.  Even though it had a hollow core, the huge limb was heavy and required about a half hour with the chain saw to cut it up.  Life is exciting in the country.  I am glad that it didn't fall across someone's car. 

Later in the afternoon,  I took another group of fifth graders on a tour of one of the coastal barrier islands.  They were interested and inquisitive.  I don't mind being around children who have an interest in learning.  It was a fun afternoon. 

I heard a saying the other day that I hear frequently in Al-Anon:  "You may be right."  This is supposed to be used when some one is argumentative and trying to push their point.  It sounds a bit trite and even smug.  I have never liked it.  It worked better in that old Billy Joel song.  Maybe it has become too much of a cliche.  I also don't like the response of "How's that working for you?" when someone exhibits behavior that is destructive.  It seems to smack of sarcasm.  I used it one time with a really bright fellow I sponsored who looked at me and said, "I expected better from you."  I got his point. 

I felt a bit low down this evening.  I know that I have some anxiety over how my old dog is doing.  I wish that there would be no drama and nothing to worry about.  But life has other plans.  For today, things are pretty good.  I managed to shake a feeling of dread earlier by simply writing out a gratitude list and thinking back over the day.  The center of things is holding at the moment.  There is nothing that is provoking an immediate crisis.  I just get to hold on and let tomorrow unfold as today closes. 

The tools that I need

I am tired today. I have been to two evening meetings which made for two long days.

On Monday, I went to my home group. We have been meeting for years in an old Sunday school building at one of the rural churches. The building is run down with moldy walls, no bathroom (there is a solution--find a tombstone or bush), and insulation falling from the ceiling.

One of our long-time members, who is part of the governing body of the church, was asked to carry the message that our group wanted to move to the newly built church where there are bathrooms, a kitchen, clean floors, and no mold. Not long ago, when asked repeatedly whether we would be moving, he let us know that he didn't "think" that the church board wanted to have us move to the new church because there was no way to lock up items (he blames the AA group who meets next to us for the theft of a TV). So we recently had a group conscience and voted to move.

Interestingly enough on Monday at the meeting, the Al-Anon/Church liaison announced that the church was now going to repair the bathroom because they don't want us to leave. It's basically too little too late. As one of the members said, "We have put up with enough just dealing with alcoholism. And we have been putting up with unacceptable meeting conditions for long enough. It's time for a change."

I can feel resentment that I have regarding this situation. I don't believe that the pastor or the governing board knew until recently that we were dissatisfied. I don't believe that the message was getting through that we wanted to move to a room in the new church. I am having to let this go because it serves no purpose for me to judge another. We are moving to a different church where there is a kitchen, bathroom, glassed in meeting room with a view, and where we are welcomed. That's the important thing. I need to remember my part, humility and gratitude.

Last night's meeting was fun. The topic was what tools do we use in the program. An actual tool box was passed around and we got to pick up hammers, wrenches, rachets, levels, and other tools that had slogans and Al-Anon messages attached. It was innovative and generated a lot of sharing about what tools we use to get through difficult situations. I think that the best tool that I can use right now is prayer and remembering to place principles above personalities.

Fears

This is the second part of a workshop. This one is on fears which happens to be a big one for me, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are some suggestions for dealing with fear:

1. I find that I've dealt with my fear of abandonment and rejection by talking to my sponsor; going to meetings and working with newcomers; and by remembering that this is a spiritual program. I can get through a lot with God's help and by praying to follow His will.

2. When full of fears and doubts, I find that the Serenity Prayer and slogans are a big help. The Serenity Prayer can be my mantra and eases my obsessing thinking. "Easy Does It" is a great slogan that tells me to slow down, to not expect too much, to take time to reflect on the ideas, aims, and goals of the program. I also like "How Important Is It?" which tells me to stop obsessing over the little things.

3. I have reaped what I have sown in so many ways. I started out life with hope, faith, and confidence. Gradually, the insidious doubt, fear, and despair crept in. I now have the right stuff from the Twelve Steps to ask for help from my Higher Power and from others. I know how to dispel fear and stay spiritually and emotionally fit.

4. My ability to fight fear may be one day at a time or sometimes, hour by hour. I have learned to sort out my worst fears and face them squarely. By facing them, I discover that I have already lived through most of them. Worry only seems to enlarge them.

5. All fears can be vanquished by vigilant effort. Life without fear is a heavenly blessing and the whole world is a different place when I have peace of mind. I can have freedom from fear if I choose to follow the program as it gradually unfolds, practice the steps more honestly and make a decision to trust in my Higher Power. Because I am only human, I will falter and the fear will return, but courage to try again and faith in my Higher Power will conquer these fears.

6. Learn to relax. Learn to listen. and Learn to laugh. Put these into daily practice and many of my fears will flee.

7. My fears are mostly unfounded and magnified. I have the courage to face it, sort it out and acknowledge it and if it is the worst, I am at the bottom the only way to go is up.

8. Faith helps me to face up to my distrust, my defects and my reality. If I close myself off from faith, then the fears take hold. "Fear knocked at the door. There was no one there."

9. If I tell my fears by sharing my story, I am exposing them. I have learned to laugh at many things that once made me cry. If I share my experience, strength and hope and am generous with my past, I am helping others. I won't let pride, fear or shyness hold me back. If I give away what I have then I will be better for it.

10. The worst thing about fear is that each time I allow myself to become prey to it, it makes it easier to succumb a second or third time until fear becomes entrenched. The solution is to face it, analyze it, and pursue it until I determine the worst that could happen. I find that working with my sponsor is helpful. I have confidence in him and know that he he has faced many fears as well. Once I face the fear and pursue it to the end, I can go onward. Each time I do this, courage will replace the nameless fears.

11. When my calmness and serenity is broken by getting emotionally upset, I need to talk to someone in the program and talk it out. If I can stay calm and reach out, I will recover quicker. A quiet time alone with my Higher Power will often bring back my serenity. It will bring me the calm needed to make rational decisions.

It is up to me to think through my problems and find a solution that I can accept. It does me no good to panic or to obsess on something over and over. I have found that protesting a solution isn't productive. I need to hunt for the solution because there is one if I look hard enough. Sometimes, the solution is that I have to accept something I can't change. That isn't easy. It takes time and practice and courage.

First Things First

One thing at a time.

That's all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace.

One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time.

One pleasure at a time.

Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time.

See how everything works out?
from Language of Letting Go

Nothing much is weighing me down today, even though there is a lot that I have to get done. I have a bunch of proposals to review, a meeting with a post-doctoral student this afternoon, and other assorted things that I need to take care of before the end of the day. I'll do the best that I can and prioritize these by doing "first things first".

I'm still going to go to my noon meeting. And I'm going to meet with a sponsee after work today. Those are a priority for me. It's part of my emotional and spiritual rehabilitation program. It's being mindful of "first things first".

I enjoy working with this sponsee. He is sincere and takes the program seriously. He has a lot of things on his plate but is managing to juggle them all by keeping "first things first".

I'm going to head home after the sponsee meeting and spend some time with my wife and the dogs. We fix dinner together and talk a bit about the day. Even though she is home now and I'm at work, we call each other a couple of times a day. We keep our feelings for each other first now.

At any point in the day, I can decide to make something a priority. In every situation there is one thing that is more important, then one that is next in line and so on. I know that I can't do everything at once or be all things to all people. I like that I don't feel guilty about that anymore ("screw guilt").

I think that by focusing on myself by keeping "first things first", my spiritual and emotional health, and the things that I need to do all fall into a kind of order. I'm thus in a better position to proceed with living a life of contentment without all the chaos. How about getting rid of some chaos in your life today?

Stinkin' Thinkin'

One of the slogans in the program is "Think". Lord knows, I've done enough of that for several people. I think that I've analyzed and re-analyzed so much in my life time and yet the distortions of my thinking have only begun to be clear to me recently.

I've heard distorted thinking called "stinking thinking". I think that this is an apt name because when my thinking loses perspective, it means that my head is firmly stuck up my butt, and I need to get it unstuck. I've also heard this expressed another way: "When I'm in my head, I'm behind enemy lines."

I've had a lot of thought distortions that generally involved an ego that told me I was not liked, not good enough, not having any fun. So I would isolate myself which only made the thinking worse.

I found the following types of distorted thinking to be interesting. These were exercepted from the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. Some are examples of distorted thinking that I've engaged in:

1. All-or-nothing thinking - I see things as black-or-white. I'm focused on perfection and if someone or a situation isn't "perfect" then it's a failure. I've learned that no one or thing is perfect. I'm only human. And today I celebrate my humanness rather than castigating myself.

2. Overgeneralization - I see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when thinking about it. I've learned that "always" and "never" are God words. I only have today and can start the day over any time that I want. There are second chances.

3. Mental Filter - I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. I've learned that I may get a critical comment, but I don't have to obsess over it for days while ignoring all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - I reject positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count.” If I do a good job, then it's okay to feel happy. I don't need to discount good work that I do.

5. Jumping to conclusions - I interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support my conclusion. I need a reality check.

6. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me. Another reality check is needed.

7. Projecting: I predict that things will turn out badly. Most of these thoughts start with "What if" and end negatively. I avoid what if statements because the scenarios are endless and never positive.

8. Magnification - I exaggerate the importance of my problems and shortcomings, and minimize the importance of my good qualities. I do an affirmation list to bring out my good qualities.

9. Emotional Reasoning - I assume that my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. Just because I may feel sad, doesn't mean that I'm hopeless or somehow a second rate person.

10. “Should” statements - I tell myself that things should be the way I expected them to be. This leads to guilt and frustration. I don't want to "should" all over myself. I also try to avoid thoughts that start with "must", "ought", or "have to". Too many parental messages lead to stinking thinking.

11. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. I sometimes attach a negative label to myself when I make a mistake. Labeling is a way that I beat myself up and feed low self-esteem. I don't label others much. I've learned to accept that others have their own way of doing things. My acceptance of them helps me to think constructively rather than destructively. I can be gentle with myself too.

12. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under my control. Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I don't like the blame game or play it. I've learned to take my own inventory and not the other persons. As my sponsor says, when I speak negatively of others then it's reflecting what I think about myself.

What I've come to understand through working the program is that these thoughts represent my perception which may be very different from reality. So I need to do a reality check. I ask myself whether the sad, angry, lonely, anxious feelings I'm having are based on fact. Am I trying and convicting someone due to my imagination? How does what I'm thinking compare with the reality of a situation?

In addition to doing a check on the facts, I look at what is going on and what my role is in it. I also know that I can run the thoughts past my sponsor, go to meetings, and ask for spiritual guidance in lifting me out of my miserable thinking.

Just because someone says or does something that is unkind to me, doesn't mean that I need to own it or engage in distorted thinking. I can respond with healthy words and actions or I can choose to simply walk away. The slogan T.H.I.N.K. is a great acronym for any statement that I make: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?

Lower your expectations

"Lower your expectations until you get what you want". I was told that a few days ago when I was getting myself into self-pity mode. I was bemoaning a few things that were driven by fear which is my chief character defect.

It's easy to let myself slip back into having fantasies about how things "should" be or how I want them to be. I was hoping to have something special happen on my birthday, was convinced that it wouldn't happen, and got myself into self-pity mode faster than a synapse could fire.

So a great friend in AA told me the slogan about lowering my expectations until I got what I wanted. Just hearing that made me realize that I don't need to hope that something special is going to happen, because something special does happen every day: It's called living. And it's up to me to decide whether I'd rather focus my energy on expecting something from others or on doing my part to make this day unique and special.

I'm going to remember that slogan when I build expectations that depend on others. It's up to me to make this day what I want it to be. And right now, I'm going to shower, get dressed, and head out for a day of meetings here in Florida.

I don't have any expectations one way or the other. How about you?

Happy Friday

The photo above is in the entrance hall. I'm going to post a Christmas photo every day. I guess that I'm in the spirit!

Yesterday there was a good meeting on "Let It Begin with Me". This was a timely topic for me, especially in view of my thoughts about service work this week. I know that getting honest with myself about what I can realistically do and what I can't is an essential part of the slogan.

If I want things to change in my life for the better then it will need to begin with me. When I first came to Al-Anon, my marriage was just about dead. This was a last ditch effort for me. I didn't want to live with alcoholism, I wanted to get away from the anger, shame and humiliation that was the fall out from the disease.

After I began to finally hear what was being said in meetings and through the help of my sponsor and the steps, I began to shift my focus from the alcoholic to myself: my attitudes, my actions, my thoughts, my emotions began to be clearer. I began to see who I was and who I could be.

And I've come to learn that it can begin with me when I'm wearing my program right. I can be of maximum service to others when things are okay in my head. And that means that my motives are right, my expectations aren't clouding my vision which allows me to share what I have with others. Becoming a part of the beginning of recovery for others is a great gift of the program.

Al-Anon closing

I've always liked the Al-Anon closing statement. But this part of it I have found particularly moving:

"A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long: Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

These lines told me what I needed to hear most: that I was not alone, that you have been where I am, and that no matter how bad things may seem, there is Hope for the future.

The closing offers a great promise that if I take away the walls that I had erected between myself and others in the program through denial then I will move towards recovery. At the time I started the program, I knew that I needed help but I didn't realize how much I wanted recovery. I had to learn to let down my wall of shame about myself and my relationship with the alcoholics in my life.

The words of the closing and the promise offered is still true today. I've learned by listening to the recovering stories of others I have met along the way and by taking advantage of talking to others and to my HP in order to get a clearer view of my situation. This has helped me to avoid avoidable mistakes, slips and pitfalls by shining someone else's light on my blind spot. I may not always like what I hear, but by doing this I am reinforcing the notion that I am not alone with my problems.

In keeping an open mind, I've had to examine my motives and attitudes. Here are a few questions that I have to consider:

Am I motivated by a desire to help myself and others in this, or am I more interested in swaying someone else to my way of thinking?

Am I listening to the perspectives of the group or my sponsor and actually considering them, or am I awaiting the next opportunity to share my own thoughts?

Am I truly placing the principles being discussed above the personalities involved?

If my answer to any of these questions is a no, then I'm probably not keeping an open mind. If I get over myself and remember: "Keep an open mind, and you will find help," and "Take what you like and leave the rest" then I'm going to find what I need.

It's Saturday morning....

and I feel like an old hawg. The fair last night was fun. We walked around, looked at exhibits, smelled the food and "sampled" an elephant's ear. We decided not to go on any of the rides because the lines were long and most were of the whirling and hurling type.

I slept in and woke up to the great feeling of Saturday morning. And because it's a long weekend with a holiday on Tuesday (and annual leave on Monday), there is the feeling of having the luxury of time. Not having to think about anything but this day is easier to do when I know that the next 3 days will be filled with that Saturday feeling of "easy does it".

My only plans are to take the boat our for a long sail on this gorgeous day and then spend 3 days on her with a sail back on Tuesday. The weather is supposed to be warm with cool nights and the winds are going to be great for sailing. It's time to take advantage of the weather to get some quality down time.

At one of my meetings this week, we talked about gratitude. And there is so much to be grateful for. One of my favorite sharings of gratitude is that God brought me to Al-Anon and Al-Anon brought me to God. And I think that I'll leave you with that today.

First Things First

Last night at the step study meeting, my sponsor shared that things were a bit overwhelming at the moment. He has something coming up that is making him a bit anxious. His comments reminded me of the slogan First Things First.

That means to me:
I can take one thing at a time. And not overload myself with multitasking.
I can complete one task at a time and do that task with a sense of accomplishment and peace.
I can take one step at a time, one problem at a time and one day at a time.
I only have to do something for this day and not think about doing a task for a lifetime.
I can relax and be calm. Things get done when I choose to get them done. I don't have to be urgent. I can calmly decide to take one thing at a time.

"Unlike animals, we complicate what is very simple. The pain we face is never fair, so we need not waste time trying to understand the justice or injustice of it. Our problems may seem large or overwhelming from today's perspective. By tomorrow or next month most of them will be resolved in some way, and we may not even remember them. Our spiritual path teaches us to do first things first each day and not fret about the outcome. We turn outcomes over to the will of God." from Touchstones

Cold here

Last night was the coldest day of the year so far. And the wind was howling. I went down to Compass Rose and the waves and spray were coming over the breakwater. I stayed on the boat for a while to make sure that all was okay. It was one of those days that's truly wild on the water.

This morning it was around 25 F and still windy. But the wind died down this afternoon and even though it's still cold, at least the wind chill isn't as bad as it was. I'm glad that I didn't have to do work on the water today.

I went to the noon meeting. The topic was the slogans and how they help with recovery: Live and Let Live, Keep It Simple, Easy Does It, Let Go and Let God, Mind Your Own Business, One Day at a Time. I think that my favorite is Live and Let Live. It reminds me to accept others and not judge them. It also reminds me that I need to practice living. No matter what efforts I may make or emotional blackmail that I can concoct will change the alcoholic. I can't live if I spend time trying to control others. I think that understanding that has not only helped me but it has helped others in my life as well.

Sunday all day

I had a really good day today. It started when I went to the beach this morning taking one of the dogs and just walked in the water. The beach is nearly deserted in the early morning. I watched the cargo ships coming and going into port, glad that I wasn't on one for the time being, but wondering where they were heading.

After the beach, I visited with a friend, went to lunch and then went to look at some boats at a nearby marina. Boats are something that I'm interested in and am thinking about buying one that I can sleep on. There's a nice one that I've been looking at in Deltaville, Virginia--25 feet, aluminum hull, low hours on the diesel engine, sleeps four. Then, there is a 22 foot Catalina sailboat available that also sleeps four, has a small galley, is trailerable and is in good shape. I like to think about anchoring in a cove and just listening to the waves slapping on the hull.

Finally, at the end of the day I went to my meeting. The topic was about slogans:
First things first
Live and Let Live
Listen and Learn
One Day at a Time
Let Go and Let God
How Important is It?
Keep it Simple
Progress not perfection
Take what you need and leave the rest
Easy does it
Let it begin with me
Principles above personalities
and others.

It was the 7 year birthday for one of our group who is a very special and kind lady. I feel relaxed and grateful for having this day be filled with a lot of happy things.

The whole world needs a 12 step program

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally "get it" about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I'm actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else's fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their head or fist while I shift. It's as if they are already having a bad day and it's only 8 AM.

My friend D. has an old car but it has a good engine. He's a gear head and can put a car engine together just for fun. I know that he used to drive fast and be a hell-raiser before he decided that he would rather live than die from alcohol at 28. When we're driving in his car on a street and someone is tail gating him, he'll say, "Well, I think I'll give Mr. SUV some room and let him pass on by. He's obviously in too big a hurry to enjoy the day." Then, he'll pull over to the side of the road. D. has that live and let live philosophy from being in AA for many years.

What I think is that the world needs to be in a 12 step program. I can't think of many people that I know who wouldn't benefit from a little of the Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, First Things First, and How Important Is It philosophy. When someone at work starts taking themselves too seriously, I think "How important is it?". When someone starts going off on another person, I think, " Easy does it". When I have a bunch of choices to make about the things that I'm asked to commit to, I think "First Things First". And when I see someone making an ass of themselves at a social function, I think, "Live and let live".

There aren't many times in a day that the teachings of Al-Anon and AA don't pop into my head. They provide a means by which I now live my life. I've been to church and read the Bible but nothing has touched me as much as reading the BB and the Al-Anon literature. There's such a sense of peace that I get from meetings. It would be great if all those people who are rushing about to get nowhere would be infused with some of the 12 step ideology.

Slogans

Al-Anon has lots of slogans that help you to focus on working the program. One of my favorites is, "How important is it?". When I think about the years that I spent worrying, being anxious and busting a gasket over insignificant crap, I know now that none of it was really important. In the grand scheme of life, there aren't a lot of things that are really worth personal turmoil. The amount of energy that I wasted on criticism both of self and others, resentment, and a lot of other baggage never enhanced my life or anyone elses. Instead, I think that I just made myself more miserable and did absolutely nothing to make things any better in my marriage.

In fact, I think that all the resentment about drinking built up until I felt utterly defeated. How many times do you beat your head against a wall before your brains turn to mush? Sounds like insanity which according to the popular AA definition is "Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results." Insanity around drinking is also the inability to learn from past mistakes. For the alcoholic, that means that getting drunk over and over doesn't make anything better. There's still the hangover in the morning and the same bloodshot eyes staring back from the mirror. For the person affecting by someone elses drinking, it means that recriminations, badgering, self-pity, and anger because of the alcoholic won't make the disease go away--ever. Instead, it's better to detach from the situation and do something to help yourself.

That's where the idea of accepting powerlessness over alcohol comes in (Step One in AA and Al-Anon) and where you have to decide what's really important and what's not. If you accept that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, then you've come a long way towards taking care of yourself.

At the meeting tonight, there was a lot of sharing on how to detach and to "live and let live". The bottom line is that you have to live your own life and stay out of the business of others. By doing that you can then get to the "let live" part where you allow others the dignity of making their own mistakes and finding their own way. Even if that way isn't your way, it's better to accept that others have their own ideas and personalities. After all, "how important is it?"

Acronyms

When I first started in Al-Anon, I thought that there was a different language being spoken. There are a lot of phrases that are used such as "One Day at a Time", "Let go and let God" "How important is it?" and many others. One of the acronyms that I could identify with was F.I.N.E. which means F--kedup, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. How true those adjectives fit me!

I came into the program after a lot of years of frustration, anger, self-pity, denial and low self-esteem. I always thought that I was a bit of a loner, although I like people. Now I've come to realize that I didn't let myself get too close to people for fear that they would know what kind of life I've had.

Denial is all about covering things up. In my childhood, one of my early memories of fear came when my dad had an automobile accident as a result of driving under the influence. I can still remember the police coming to the door and having my dad walk through with his arm hanging in a crooked way. He had broken his shoulder in the accident. Because my family was well known in the small town where we lived, there was no ticket or fine or anything. My dad had some beers and then drove his car too fast, spun the car out and broke his shoulder. End of story for the police since it was a single car accident. At that time, the local doctor who was a family friend, came to the house and splinted the arm. It never set properly and always there was a look of dislocation to his shoulder. I can remember the fear that I felt when the accident happened. Was my dad going to die? Why was he acting so different? These kinds of things were very scary for me.

As I grew older, I began to see that my dad would sit and sip whiskey on the weekends. He always went to work, always had a good job and was well respected in the community but something was obviously sad for him or why else would he hide a bottle and sip from it? I knew where the booze was hidden and thought many times about pouring it out. I hated having to be around the slurred speech at dinner time. I would retreat to my room and try to shut everything out by reading books or listening to music. I had friends but felt embarrassed to bring them over on the weekends. I never knew how my dad would be. He wasn't often brutal to me, although he would take a belt to me occasionally. Those times were painful for me because I didn't think that I deserved the punishment. I remember waking him once when he promised to take me to see some horses. I got the belt for waking him up. He also would issue a lot of orders to me, telling me to behave a certain way or to not "spill my guts" to my friends because they would then know as much as I did.

All of these instructions and the emotional strain at home pushed me towards perfectionism. That is a common trait of adult children of alcoholics. I began to develop a lot of anxiety over my school work. I loved first grade because I was popular and enjoyed playing with other kids. By fourth grade though, I was eaten up with anxiety. I had to make straight A's and had to have the teacher and others like me. It was no doubt the manifestation of my co-dependency: Be perfect, manipulate others for strokes, and hide the sadness with a facade of false smiles. I had a fourth grade teacher who didn't fall for my stuff and it was the first time I remember being hard hit by rejection. I was to have a lot more of that as the years went on.