A wonderful gift

Before my home group meeting last night, my sponsor gave me a belated birthday gift.  We hadn't gotten together over the last couple of weeks for one reason or another.  So last night, before our study hour, I opened my gift.  It was a set of Father John Doe's Golden Books.

Father John Doe wrote his fourteen Golden Books back in the 1940's and 50's and early 60's. They are still being read and used by those in recovery programs today.  Here is the series:
1947 Spiritual Side
1948 Tolerance
1949 Attitudes
1950 Action
1951 Happiness
1952 Excuses
1953 Sponsorship
1954 Principles
1955 Resentments
1957 Decisions
1960 Passion
1963 Sanity
1964 Sanctity
1964 Living

I have read that the three most-published A.A. authors during the course of A.A.’s first sixty years were Bill W., Richmond Walker (who wrote the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book), and Father John Doe who was Ralph Pfau, author of the fourteen Golden Books.

I can't think of a more thoughtful gift.  I love books, and I love reading recovery books.  And I have a deep appreciation for the history of both AA and Al-Anon.  This gift will be treasured as long as I live.

I am going to close this post with a gratitude list for my heart is overflowing with gratitude today.  I'm grateful for:

• The caring shown to me by those in the fellowship.  The love is appreciated and reciprocated.  We were brought together by God and that's pretty powerful.
  
• My home group's decision to change meeting locations. Last night, we had a full kitchen with coffee and hot chocolate, a bathroom, comfortable furniture, and brightly decorated rooms.  We were all giddy with happiness.
• Understanding that my wife doesn't want to attend the funeral of M. today.  She is going to the meeting tonight where she and M. first met.  
• Being alive and of reasonably sound mind and body.  I find life in all its forms much more interesting than death.  My last chapter is still to be written.  
• The sponsor-sponsee relationship.  I am straight up with my sponsor and he with me.  We may differ in opinions on some things, but I trust him without reservation.  That is a powerful thing that I can't say about most people.
  

I'm going to have a day in which I will need God with me.  All I have to do is be quiet in my mind, and He will be there.

Why the Big Book isn't used in Al-Anon Meetings

Lou posted about her experience of chairing a workshop on sponsorship at an Al-Anon convention and was using the Big Book as an example of working Step Four. A couple of people in the audience spoke up that it wasn't conference approved. So I thought that I'd offer some information that I have found useful as to why it isn't used in Al-Anon meetings (Note: the BB and other literature may be used in step meeting and sponsor meetings that aren't approved by WSO).

Questions:

• Why can’t the A.A. “big book,” Alcoholics Anonymous, be studied at Al-Anon meetings?
• For what Traditions is use of the “big book” inconsistent with and why?
  
• Why is the actual source material that Al-Anon was developed from being put aside?
  
• The “big book” is the authority on alcoholism; why would we keep it from our membership?

Answer: Although Al-Anon’s roots are based in A.A., the A.A. “big book” is not and never has been Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). In the very early days of Al-Anon, A.A. materials were used at meetings because we had very little material of our own. When our cofounder Lois W. wrote The Al-Anon Family Groups (B-5) in 1955 with the help of other pioneers and the support of her husband Bill, she intended it as our big book. Bill had not allowed her to write any part of the A.A. big book—even the chapters to the wife or the family—because his book was from the perspective and experience of alcoholics.

“Conference Approved Literature” came about from discussions held at Al-Anon’s very first World Service Conference in 1961. The first few Conferences developed a process to give conceptual approval for the development of Al-Anon literature, and it was the will of the Conference to recommend exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings. Although the Conference grandfathered in several existing Al-Anon pieces, in keeping with Traditions One, Three, Five, and Six, the A.A. big book was not among them.

The exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings supports Al-Anon’s First Tradition: that personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. Al-Anon’s Third Tradition states that as a group we have no other affiliation. According to our Fifth Tradition, our one purpose is to help families of alcoholics. Our Sixth Tradition states we are a separate entity that should always cooperate with A.A.

As it states on page 94 of the 2006-2009 Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual, “It is well to remember that all A.A. literature is written for and from the viewpoint of alcoholics and is not Al-Anon/Alateen Conference Approved Literature. Reliance on opinions expressed in A.A. and other outside publications can distort the Al-Anon approach, particularly for the newcomer.”
The big book is the authority on alcoholism from the perspective and experience of the alcoholic. It does not reflect the perspective or experience of the families and friends of alcoholics. It was not the original source for the Al-Anon program. The original source of the Al-Anon program was the shared experiences of families and friends of alcoholics and their application of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Of course, as part of their personal recovery, Al-Anon members are always free to read any materials they choose outside of an Al-Anon meeting. Many find reading A.A. materials helpful in understanding the disease of alcoholism, but since time is so limited it is important to stick with Al-Anon materials in Al-Anon meetings. Those wishing to receive help in understanding the A.A. focus can usually find an open A.A. meeting.
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In sponsoring, I use the BB and the AA 12 x 12, just as my sponsor had me do. I also use Al-Anon books and pamphlets. The best explanation that I have for not using the BB or AA literature in regular Al-Anon meetings is that these are separate programs. The newcomer who comes to Al-Anon is generally in a lot of pain from living with alcoholism. It could be off putting and confusing for someone coming to Al-Anon to hear information about the "other" program.

I believe in singleness of purpose for AA and the same for Al-Anon. When I go to an open AA meeting, I don't share even when called upon. I am not an alcoholic. But I get a great deal from reading and studying and going to AA meetings. Hopefully this clarifies that we always cooperate with AA but we aren't AA.

I think that Lou's willingness to do service work and step up to do a workshop is a great thing. Each of us learns how the program works. I have learned much from the traditions and why they are important in guiding our relationships with others and in keeping each program "pure".

Road trip

I did the five hour drive to Atlanta and enjoyed it because I had my IPod playing the Big Book study with Joe and Charlie. If you've never listened to their "seminar", they are worth listening to.

The seminars that I downloaded start at the Doctors Opinion and move through the Big Book to the final words of the chapter, A Vision for You: "We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." (Page 164).

I especially enjoyed their explanation of completing the Fourth Step inventory. Their discussion on resentment and fear was especially good for me. I think that every time I listen to these guys I get something else out of what they share. The "fear" prayer gives me something to think about: "We ask God to remove the fear that ........plug in the specific fears one at a time here.............and direct my attention to what you would have me be."

I look forward to listening to more Big Book Study on the way home.

First GR meeting, the steps and the weekend

I went to the first GR meeting yesterday. There were some people that I knew and others that I was glad to meet. It seemed like any other club meeting with motions and voting. Not bad at all actually. I was sorry that one of the groups that I attend regularly didn't have a GR there. It's a large meeting with regularly around 30+ people attending so they do need to be represented in the district. I'm going to see if I can't recruit some one on Tuesday evening when I go to the meeting.

Today was spend out on Compass Rose. It was much cooler and blustery. Great sailing weather and the local university was hosting a regatta in the Harbor so I could watch them negotiate the course. It was really picture perfect today--blue skies, low humidity, clear and cool. My kind of weather. I got home too late to go to the 8 PM meeting but hopefully will be able to pick up an extra meeting this week.

I've been listening to another Step Study on my IPod. The speaker is a character, been in prison and murders the grammar but he makes a lot of sense when doing the steps according to the directions in the Big Book. He is a strong believe in doing things according to the facts of the book. He says that there is nothing in the book about waiting a year before doing the steps or going to 90 meetings in 90 days, or not having a relationship within the first year. None of that is pertinent according to this guy because it isn't written in the book.

My SO has a sponsor who insists that she wait at least a year before doing the steps because the brain is too scrambled in the first year to do anything. The guy that I'm listening to on the step study states that there is great danger in delaying because it is through the steps that real recovery begins. I won't tell my SO how to work her program but can pray and hope that she will see the need to begin the steps. Actually, she really only needs to do Step 3 and Step 5 with another person, and that person doesn't have to be her sponsor. I really hope that things will move forward for her.

I'm tired now and it's a good tired feeling from being on the water. I've looked back over my day and can't find anything that was wrong with it. That's a rare and good day indeed.

No Half Measures for Me

The Big Book states, "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for His protection and care with complete abandon." I've never been a "half measure" type of person. That used to be a problem for me because I wanted everything done in the best way possible and was incredibly hard on myself (and others).

Now, I can see that maybe the application of my desire to do the best that I can do has it's place in my recovery. I can choose to do the footwork, the steps, and be honest with myself and with my sponsor. Or I can hold back and not fully work towards my recovery. I believe that in order to recover, I have to clean house and trust in my HP.

So for me, it's really about giving myself to this program. It's all or nothing. It means working all aspects: steps, literature, traditions, service. I have to put time and energy into getting better because going back to being the person that I used to be isn't an alternative for me. I won't be a quarter horse. I would rather start out steadily and go the distance. Like they say, "It works if you work it."

Animal noises

It was hard for me to get to a meeting on this trip because of being on the road so much. I took my reading material with me and was able to do those daily readings and think about the context of my situation. Another great thing though was having a number of downloads for my IPod. The Joe and Charlie Big Book Study series was great to listen to. I’ve listened to this series before but I never tire of hearing it again. Both of these guys are funny and great story tellers. They present the BB in an entertaining but didactic manner. After about 8 hours of listening to them, I feel totally immersed in the BB.

They also tell some jokes that include Al-Anons. One of them goes like this:

An AA, an Al-Anon and an AlAteen were traveling. They needed directions and stopped at a farm house. The farmer said that it would be fine for them to spend the night since it was late and they would travel better in the morning when it was light. The only problem was that there was room for only two of them in the house and one would have to sleep in the barn with the animals. So the alcoholic volunteered to go to the barn. After an hour, there was a knock on the door and the alcoholic stood there looking forlorn. The alcoholic said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” The AlAteen then spoke up and said, “I’ll go to the barn and sleep with the animals. I like animals and won’t have a problem at all.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door and the AlAteen stood there looking very tired and said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” So the Al-Anon stepped forward and said, “ I knew that I would be the one to go out there and deal with all of this. I’ll gladly go to the barn.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door. The farmer thought “What now?” Upon opening the door and looking out, the farmer saw all the chickens, cows, horses, and pigs standing there looking back at him.

I have to laugh at how many portray Al-Anons. I finally am getting the fact that in recovery there is nothing more powerful than a long-time Al-Anon. For me, I guess that I would have just laid down amongst the animals and been put to sleep by their animal noises. Live and let live.

The whole world needs a 12 step program

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally "get it" about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I'm actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else's fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their head or fist while I shift. It's as if they are already having a bad day and it's only 8 AM.

My friend D. has an old car but it has a good engine. He's a gear head and can put a car engine together just for fun. I know that he used to drive fast and be a hell-raiser before he decided that he would rather live than die from alcohol at 28. When we're driving in his car on a street and someone is tail gating him, he'll say, "Well, I think I'll give Mr. SUV some room and let him pass on by. He's obviously in too big a hurry to enjoy the day." Then, he'll pull over to the side of the road. D. has that live and let live philosophy from being in AA for many years.

What I think is that the world needs to be in a 12 step program. I can't think of many people that I know who wouldn't benefit from a little of the Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, First Things First, and How Important Is It philosophy. When someone at work starts taking themselves too seriously, I think "How important is it?". When someone starts going off on another person, I think, " Easy does it". When I have a bunch of choices to make about the things that I'm asked to commit to, I think "First Things First". And when I see someone making an ass of themselves at a social function, I think, "Live and let live".

There aren't many times in a day that the teachings of Al-Anon and AA don't pop into my head. They provide a means by which I now live my life. I've been to church and read the Bible but nothing has touched me as much as reading the BB and the Al-Anon literature. There's such a sense of peace that I get from meetings. It would be great if all those people who are rushing about to get nowhere would be infused with some of the 12 step ideology.

Bon voyage

Today, I saw my best friend leave for a few months. We've shared a lot of great experiences, ideas, and general good times for a while. He's been in AA recovery for many years and works his program diligently. He was really the one responsible for my finding Al-Anon since he knew that I had a lot of craziness going on at home. He finally said that I needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting and that my SO needed to go to AA. It's made a big difference in my life. None of the therapists ever suggested Al-Anon to me, even though they knew that my home life was a mess and that my SO's drinking was causing me a lot of anxiety.

It took a member of AA to make the suggestion that has really changed my life for the better. He's got a good sense of humor and has shared a lot of funny stories from the Grapevine, the AA publication. He's also shared some good lines from some of the old timers in AA. We generally find a lot to laugh about. One of the things we recently shared in conversation was that in Al-Anon we're trying to focus on ourselves while in AA, alcoholics are trying to get the focus off themselves. He also said that in Al-Anon we want to get in touch with our inner child while in AA, alcoholics are trying to not be childish and grow up. He also told me about an irrasible old timer who was accused of chasing some newcomers away with his brusqueness. When confronted about driving the newcomers away, the old timer said, "Well if I drove them away, liquor will drive them back".

Anyway, I'm wishing calm seas and a true course for my friend D. He carries his BB with him and his 16 year chip. I know that wherever he is, he'll be okay.

Working with others

There is a chapter in the Big Book of AA that addresses working with those who drink, basically with the idea of practicing the Twelfth Step. From reading this chapter, I've thought about some of the co-dependence issues that face spouses and parents of the alcoholic or addict.

What the BB says is that we don't waste time trying to persuade people to stop their destructive behavior if they don't want to stop. This is where detachment with love is necessary. We have to practice our Step One in Al-Anon to realize that we are powerless and that no amount of pleading, manipulating, or insanity on our part can cure the person who is deciding to drink or take drugs.

What the BB instead says is that when the binge ends or a lucid interval occurs, a family member, sponsor or friend needs to ask the individual if they want to quit for good and if they would go to any extreme to do so. If the answer is yes, then the individual should talk to someone who has recovered and who is trying to help others, as part of their own recovery.

This seems like such good advice because it won't work if we force ourselves and our pleadings on another. It hasn't worked before or in as many times as we've tried it. If the individual who has the problem doesn't want to stop, then nothing we can say or do will make the individual stop. It seems that we all need to recall these things when there is a slip or we are dealing with people we love who can't seem to quit. They probably haven't gotten to the bottom yet or realized the seriousness of what they are doing.

Similarly, in Al-Anon, we have to be beaten down by the disease to such a point that we are ready to admit our powerlessness and to turn things over to our HP. If we are still thinking that we can "fix" things, then we aren't ready to make the changes necessary to take care of ourselves.