Getting through the holidays and each day

It's the time of year when so much is going on.  I have spent so little time at the computer. I apologize for not reading blogs.  And because I am truly moving to a point in life that I no longer feel the need to pour out feelings on here, I have thought about moving to another type of social media.

I have Twitter that I use sporadically. Maybe it's time to jump into the whole Facebook thing. But then I think about the ugliness that seems to be prevalent there. We don't have it ugly in our blog world--at least from the point that we aren't ugly to each other.  This is a supportive community and certainly has given me a lot over the years.  I am most appreciative of that.

My stepping into more of an activist role in the community has absorbed a lot of time.  My standing passively by when there is so much injustice happening is not something I can do.  I view this as practicing the principles of Al-Anon in all my affairs, having courage to change the things I can and speaking my truth without fear.  I don't let the problems I see take over my life though. It is important for me to maintain balance.

Regarding balance, we have been invited to quite a few parties this year.  It is quite a change that I used to be nervous about going to parties where alcohol was present. Now C. and I can go without feeling uncomfortable.  Being able to enjoy social settings has made the holidays much more enjoyable than what would happen in times past when I was gripped with anxiety about my wife's drinking.

So many though are struggling with the whole holiday scene.  Here are a few things that we talked about at a meeting this week that will help during the holidays:

• Remember the three C's: that you did not cause the alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
• Detaching myself from the situation. I have an escape plan, a Plan B, in which I remove myself from uncomfortable situations.  I may just leave the room and walk away or if a relapse would occur, then I know to call her sponsor. 
• Doing service work and volunteering to help others. It is an excellent way to get out of your own anxiety and have a good feeling.  There are also meetings and often special events around the holidays. Even if you are traveling, there are local meetings that are being held.  Look them up and go to a meeting. 
• Going back to basics when things get stressful continues to soothe me. I remember that I am powerless over other people, places and things. I am powerless over alcohol.  I say the Serenity Prayer over and over to quiet my mind.  I remember that I may have to break things down to small time intervals by just getting through the next 10 minutes of a bad situation. 
• Not participating in blaming and recriminations helps.  I don't participate in the blame game. Again, the escape plan is useful. If things get out of hand, walk out of the room and calm yourself down so you can go back and enjoy your family.
• Plan in advance for activities. Be aware and honest with what the circumstances may be. If you know it will end badly, stay away, leave or plan for different transportation.
• Be careful and aware. Staying safe is important. Look out for yourself and seek out friends who are supportive. Refusing to get into a car driven by someone who is alcoholically impaired may save your life. 

If you have other ideas on what works for you during the holidays, please post them. I appreciate your thoughts because it is difficult to get through a time of year when expectations run so high.  Keeping my expectations low has helped a lot in not building resentment. 

Thank you for being here.  If any of you would like to share your experience, strength and hope by writing a post, just email me (sydlaughs@att.net). Wishing you the best. 

Questions about coping with an alcoholic spouse

I received this comment the other day:
"I need help coping with my alcoholic wife. I hardly speak to her anymore, not sure if I love her, getting sick and tired of the antics that surround the drinking, manipulation and embarrassment. Trying to answer questions from my 7 year old daughter, "why is Mommy acting funny again?" or, "Mommy's being rude".

I don't know where to begin. I have an alcoholic wife who we will call Samantha or Sam for short. When Sam's not drinking she is very un-pleasant, doesn't say one positive word to anyone if she speaks at all. She uses her alcoholic behavior to get what she wants or what she believes will solve the problem. We have been married for 14 years. I was a social drinker then so we had a lot of fun, but I started to notice she was more than a social drinker and started making comments about slowing down. God forbid that I asked a question like that! The subject is not up for discussion sober or otherwise. Her parents are both alcoholics so they are no help. We tried to have children for several years depleting our savings account with fertility Drs. to no avail. She was saying things like "if we have a child I will quit drinking because I will have a purpose, or "if you buy the house with a few acres we can have horses then I'll stop drinking" and so on. We successfully adopted a beautiful baby girl at birth 7 years ago. Now I have realized all the enabling I have done and I'm so mad at myself for bringing this little girl into this mess.

Sam isn't very pleasant until she has a few drinks, then becomes somewhat pleasant until she has more than a few and becomes unreasonable and difficult to deal with. She starts arguments with my daughter and I close myself off in another room and try to ignore the situation which eventually spirals out of control at which time I lose my temper at both of them.

I have started to threaten Sam that I can't live in this environment any longer and she needs help. She reluctantly went to a counselor for 5 or 6 weeks to discuss her issues but that has stopped. Sam tells me that the counselor says she doesn't have a drinking problem and that the problem is that I am such an asshole. She even went to a few AA meetings only to come home and get drunk.

I'm out of patience and considering divorce. I have worked so hard for everything we have and hate to think about losing it all in a costly divorce but something had to happen. Sam doesn't want to get help so is it time to back up the idle threats by actually leaving?

This is my first time reaching out to anyone or writing on a blog so I'm not sure what I doing here."

First off, thank you for reaching out.  That was one of the hardest things for me to do.  I thought for so many years that I could handle what ever was happening. I had to because I certainly didn't want to let anyone know what was going on at home.  I was filled with shame and wanted to cover up the drinking.

I think that you are hoping to get some answers.  I can tell you what worked for me.  When my wife was actively drinking, she too denied that she had a problem. She refused to get help and lied about how much she was drinking.  But, I could tell her exactly how much she had and frequently did.  My nagging her about drinking only made her angry.  I didn't accomplish anything except to make her more unreasonable and irritable when I asked her not to drink.

So after many years of nagging and worrying, I finally got to the point that I started to not care about her.  She was becoming more of a problem to me because her actions were causing me to also be angry and unreasonable.  She wouldn't do anything I wanted! No matter what I tried, she simply wouldn't stop. After one particularly terrible evening at a party where she got drunk and drove off, leaving me to walk home, I decided I had enough.

I told her that I was going to move out.  I wasn't angry when I told her this, simply resolved.  I knew that I was at the end of my ability to cope with alcoholism.  So I told her that I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and that I was going to get an apartment.  I didn't mention divorce, although that was certainly in my mind.  I simply wanted to get away from her.

She became hysterical and begged me not to leave.  She asked if I loved her.  I said that I wasn't sure.  She asked what she could do to get me to stay. I didn't know, but mentioned that a good friend who had been sober for many years told me to tell her that if she would go to AA and really work the program, she would come to know great happiness.  But the other part of the message was that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I was suffering from the effects of her drinking.

So I told her what I was going to do regarding going to Al-Anon.  I also reiterated what my friend said about AA.  She agreed to go.  I went to Al-Anon. We decided to give our marriage another try.  But I set a boundary that I would not live with active alcoholism.  I believe that she was ready to quit drinking because she has not had a drink since before that first meeting nearly 9 years ago.

Our marriage is much better than it has ever been because we have mutual respect for each other.  It has taken a lot of work in the programs of AA and Al-Anon for us to be where we are now.

I do believe that you have to speak your truth to Sam.  Trying to get her to stop drinking is not going to work, but telling her what you are going to do to take care of yourself may actually get her attention.  There is a saying in Al-Anon that "changed attitudes can aid recovery".  I can attest that is true.  My changed attitude of taking care of me and not focusing on what my wife was doing helped our marriage.

So my suggestion to you is to go to several Al-Anon meetings.  You will find people there who will understand what you are dealing with.  I tell people to try at least six meetings to see if Al-Anon is right for them.  Hopefully, you will hear what you need in order to put the focus on you and your children.

Finally, I want to share one of my favorite readings from Al-Anon literature. This is from the book From Survival to Recovery (pg. 269):
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.

Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be a slave to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness.

Will we arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute-and that is enough."

Not my zoo, not my monkey

I've heard the expression "not my zoo, not my monkey" a lot lately.  It reminds me of my desire to mind my own business and not get caught up in a lot of drama that wreaks my peace of mind (=serenity).

I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy.  I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".

Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people.  Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them.  I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic.  I seem to be at peace when I am with them.

But social interactions aren't always idyllic.  Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo.  Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.

Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways.  We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding.  Consequently, our love has grown.  We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.

Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up?  I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years.  He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life.  After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job.  Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.

So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind.  While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.

My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.

I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings.  I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.

Sad death of a young man

We were back from the boat after three full days out when I received a call from an Al-Anon member telling me that the son of a couple who attends one of the meetings I attend had died of an overdose. The memorial service was to be held in a few hours on the beach near a neighboring island.

As I drove to the service, I thought about the many sharings the couple had made about their son.  They were struggling to not let their anxiety about him ruin their lives.  They loved him so much but didn't know what to do to help him. Others shared about how detaching with love had helped them with loved ones who were addicts or alcoholics.  How they had learned to not toss and turn with worry but realize that their loved ones also had a Higher Power.  Some how those words seemed hollow to me when thinking about the loss of their 33 year old son.  Would I think that there was nothing I could do after such a loss? Or would I be thinking that perhaps there would be one more thing I could try? Somehow it all sounds right when the person is alive but once they are dead from the disease, what then?

All of that changed though when I heard the couple and their remaining child, a beautiful young woman, share their memories of their son.  They all said what a big heart he had, and how much he cared about others, and what an important part music had in his life.  He was funny, intelligent, articulate, talented, and loved life and his family.  The parents talked about their son with so much love and with calmness and peace. They said that they hoped that he had found his own peace now.  Their words indicated to me an inner peace and acceptance and even joy as they shared stories about him. His sister regretted he would not be there to share her life, or joke with her.  She said that she didn't want to give the impression that he was being exalted too much because he could be a jerk as a big brother at times.  There was laughter and tears and so much love.

I listened to their words and those of others expressing how loving and good this young man was.  How utterly normal he sounded with his love for music, family, friends, pizza, goofy movies, and singing.  I watched the pelicans flying over, heard the waves on the beach, and saw the sun shining on the water.  And I thought that maybe some people are just too good for this world--too sensitive, too caring.  Maybe his heart was big and his love was big, but somehow he didn't really feel a lot of love for himself. I don't know.  But he sure sounded like a person I would have liked.

Can you hear me now?

I spent last evening calling over 100 people in North Carolina as part of campaign volunteering.  I decided that I wanted to get more involved with the election this year.  So I signed up for several volunteer activities such as phoning people and registering those who are eligible to vote.

The phone experience was interesting.  I learned that: 1) Most of those in the less than 30 years old age group weren't at home.  2) Men were much more graphic in their description of where I could stick "it" than women.  One man told me that he had a bullet for me and that SOB that I was calling on behalf of. Most of the women told me that it was none of my business whether they were voting.   3) I found that those who were older than 80 years were happy to have someone to talk to. Maybe they were lonely, but they seemed to enjoy telling me about the issues they thought were important.  4) I would say that about half the people I reached were enthusiastic about the candidate and said that they would definitely be voting.

I didn't take anything said as being personal. That's not to say that I didn't think some of the comments were filled with so much anger and hate.  Nothing new there when it comes to politics!  It was good to be cordial even if the other person was rude. I have learned something about detaching from emotionally charged situations!  I realize that getting calls, regardless of what they are about, can be a real nuisance.  After doing the calls,  I definitely have more compassion for telemarketers now.   It felt good to be done with my long list of names and to end the evening on a good note with some positive thoughts from an ardent supporter that I reached.

I am coming down with a cold.  Probably too many activities, too much hugging, and too little rest have worn down my resistance.  I'm going to take it easy for a couple of days and hopefully feel better.  

Finding a voice

This city is filled with so many people.  Even the grocery store was packed.  And people are honking horns and driving like maniacs.  This country boy cannot wait to get back to the island.

There are a lot of boats here--big ones that speak of lots of money.  This is a wealthy city by many standards.  But I know that there are other areas where things aren't so great--just a few blocks from the big houses and big marinas.  I know that I would not like to live here.

I found an Al-Anon meeting last night.  It was one that was behind a gate in an upscale housing community.  I drove back and forth trying to find it, finally stopping at a gas station where I asked a policeman who was buying a carton of cigarettes.  He told me how to get there--it was a turn next to the gas station into the housing development.  I looked for the church steeple and made my way to where I saw cars parked and the Welcome Al-Anon sign on the door.

I walked in to a group of five people who warmly welcomed me.  It was about one minute before the meeting started. When I told them that I had difficulty finding the meeting place, the chair person said, "Well, we were waiting for you."  That is a great welcome to a person you have not met.  And just like that, it was a meeting of people who shared about how to let go when someone in your life is drinking their's away.

Several shared that they had children who were active alcoholics.  Slob living conditions, no job, asking for money--that seemed to be the common thread for parents who were trying to give love but not support the many demands of the alcoholic.  One lady said that she would send her brother a gift card for a food in a grocery store but worried that he would buy wine instead of food.  Another mother shared that she did not like to visit her son because he lived in an abysmal place, never cleaned it, and played on her sympathy to get money from her.

I thought about several bloggers who are trying to find a balance between love and enabling.  I do believe that each of us has a higher power.  The alcoholic who is destitute and hurting has a higher power, just as I do.  I think that at some point,  the realization that no other human can make me feel better, was the most important thing that turned me towards a spiritual solution.  I have no answers for others.  I am not in their situation with children who are killing themselves with alcohol.  But I can see that it is no easy thing to have your heart being torn from you while saying, "No, I will not send you money."

I am going to another meeting tonight.  No matter where I go, the stories are the same.  And in this city, it would seem that there are so many more people out there who haven't yet found a voice to tell theirs.

Doing for others can hurt everyone

Have you ever done and done for others who you love in hopes that they would stop their destructive behavior?  I have.  I did a lot of doing over the years, but it was seldom about doing for myself.  It was all about doing something for someone that they could be doing for themselves. And that in recovery talk is called enabling.  In the long run, the things that I did made it easier  for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. I didn't do that, although I offered up a lot of apologies for the messes that she would make.

My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn't any long-term binges  or staying out all night.  But there would be free for all's at social events or sipping away at home.  I would start to get anxious about going to parties where I would have no  "control" over the other person. What if she gets drunk? What if she makes a scene? What will the people think?  I would work myself up ahead of time, yet I would still go to the party. I had no back up plan.  I would count drinks.  I would whisper, "Don't you think you've had enough?"

None of this did a bit of good.  She did what she was going to do, and I pretended that all was okay.  When things weren't okay, I would make apologies and try to get her to leave.  Scenes from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" come to mind. Not pretty. 

I probably did many other things to enable the alcoholic, over and over again.  I stuck around for years of unacceptable behavior.  And I hear in meetings and on blogs the pain of those who are doing all they can to "help" their loved ones who are deep in their disease.  But is it really helping?

Helping means to me that I am doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing by themselves.  I helped an Al-Anon friend with some online computer forms the other week because he is not knowledgeable about computer forms.  He was happy, and I was happy.

Enabling though is a different thing from helping.  Enabling prevents others from having consequences for their actions.  And the more I enable, the more I am expected to keep enabling.  At meetings, people share about how they feel guilty because they might not be doing enough to stop the drinking or using.  They have spent all their money on rehabs,  bailed loved ones out of jail, hired attorneys, and still there must be something else that they could do to stop the disease.  And the loved one doesn't seem to appreciate any of it.  Instead, they lie, coax, wheedle, deceive, beg, and ask for more.  We then cave in, give more, and then get asked for still more.  The cycle continues.  We are in the dance.

But what are the consequences of all of this?  I now believe that enabling in the name of being good spouses, good parents, good friends is actually hurting and feeding the disease.  The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  And it is a disease that affects everyone around the alcoholic.

Sadly, it can take years, as it did in my case, to realize that I was not helping anyone and was doing great harm to myself and the alcoholic.  Enabling allows the alcoholic to avoid the the consequences of their actions.  Someone is there to bail them out, put them into rehab, give them another chance, so why should they stop?

It really took a major shake up in our marriage for both of us to take notice and get some help. I no longer try to rescue my wife nor do I feel stifled in doing the things that I like to do.  What I now realize is that until the alcoholic's drinking, thinking and behavior becomes painful enough they will not reach out for help. If I try to help diminish their pain then I am really preventing them from feeling that "pain" that would be a natural result of their own actions. I am effectively cushioning their downward spiral and if I make things cushy enough then they won't even know that they fell. If they never face the pain their drinking causes, why should they ever quit?

Some people will say, "Yes, but this is my child. You don't understand."  No one wants their child to fail, be ill, or be hurt.  But isn't that how we learned when we were kids?  My father taught me to ride a bicycle.  I had training wheels and then one day, he took them off and let me ride with a push.  I learned to ride in spite of falling a few times.  But he knew that I had to learn to keep my balance.  If he had held onto me or kept the training wheels on,  I would not have found my balance or ridden.

I am still striving for balance today.  But at least I know that I can fall and get back up on my own. 

What does letting go mean?

To LET GO does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To LET GO is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To LET GO is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To LET GO is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To LET GO is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To LET GO is not to care for, but to care about.
To LET GO is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To LET GO is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To LET GO is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To LET GO is not to deny, but to accept.
To LET GO is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.|
To LET GO is to fear less, and love more.

Letting go is hard to understand when it comes to people that we love.  At first, it seemed almost impossible to free my mind of the obsessions over what the alcoholic was doing, whether she was drinking, how she was doing in recovery.  I wanted so badly for her to get sober and be recovered.  I wanted so badly that I forgot to look at what I was doing and how insane my behavior was.

Remember the old tug of war game? Well, I was pulling as hard as I could on the rope, trying to drag her to recovery through manipulative control tactics. In the tug of war game, if I pull hard on the rope, the other person will pull hard also, trying to offset my balance or pull me over the line. This analogy isn't unlike what happens when dealing with an alcoholic. I tug hard and pull with all my might but I meet with strong resistance. The harder I pull, the more resistance I'm likely to meet until one of us goes over the line or falls down.  What I've learned is that I can't win a tug of war with the alcoholic.

So I had to do something else. And that was to let go of the rope.  The 3 A's of Al-Anon have helped me with the concept of letting go. These are Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

I was well aware that something wasn't good in my relationship with the alcoholic. I knew that I wanted to do everything in my power to make her stop drinking. But what I was doing wasn't helping.  I eventually became aware that maybe I was the problem,  and that I was not happy with myself.  As my awareness heightened, so did my discomfort with the life I was living.

And with my heightened awareness, I was ready to accept that I had a problem. I also began to accept that my wife had a disease which I was powerless over.  I accepted that my attempts to control her alcoholism did nothing but make the problem worse.  So I came to realize that she had a right to her own recovery, the right to walk her own path, and the right to make her own choices. I learned that it was my ego that wanted to take charge and tell another to live the way I expected them to. 

Once I was able to accept that I could not fix or change another,  I was able to take action through the steps of Al-Anon.  Once I accepted that alcoholism is a disease, I no longer tried to control or cure it. Instead I began to use prayer, meditation, detachment, boundaries and self-inventory to change my own behavior.

It took me many years before I was fully aware that something was terribly wrong in the relationship, and it took me even longer to accept that the problem was alcoholism and to then get to the point where I could take action to change how I reacted to the alcoholic.  I let go by understanding that I can't fix anyone else, God can, so I'll let Him.

Pee on something else

I think one of the seldom mentioned casualties of living with a black out drunk is random peeing.  In graduate school, I've seen fellows pee in the corner of someone's living room, in a fire place, just outside the bathroom, and so on.  There might have been some kind of attempt to make it to the general vicinity of the bathroom but...oops..couldn't quite make it. 

This random peeing phenomenon isn't limited to guys I'm sure, although I thankfully have to say that I have not seen a woman squat down in the living room and let it flow.  However, I do know that drunk women miss the toilet seat or piss all over it.  I do have data for that.

This kind of stuff is something that those of us who live with alcoholics don't discuss much.  In fact, I've not heard anyone's drunkalog mention this, probably because it isn't something that is remembered by the drunk. But it sure as hell is remembered by the sober family members. 

The other day a lady in one of my groups mentioned that she was horrified to come home from a meeting after work to find her husband peeing all over their new Swedishly-expensive mattress.  She has been having some difficult times of late with hubby in and out of rehab, making promises to get sober, and so forth with the same refrain: "I'm going to do quit drinking and change." 

But she said that something snapped inside her as she saw him happily peeing on the mattress.  She forgot all her Al-Anon speak and started screaming at him.  His retort was "Leave me alone!". And then, "What's the problem?".  So after some program kicked in, she left the room, grabbed a blanket and fell asleep on the couch, leaving him to sleep who knows where--on the urine soaked bed...maybe?

The next morning she told her husband that she wanted him to leave.  She also told him to clean up the bed before he left.  And then she left for work, detaching with as much love as she could muster.   And her sharing with the group included this question, "Why couldn't he have chosen a table or chair to pee on? Why did it have to be the new mattress?" Why indeed....?

It is hard to have compassion at the moment these things occur.  You've had a hard day, come home, and find a loved one happily urinating on something special or vomiting in a shoe.  But arguing and hurling insults at the drunk is not productive.  Better to get a bucket or a catch basin.  In the moment though the mind goes blank with incomprehension.  I've been there.  It's not quite the deer in the headlights but more like the deer that feels the impact of a Mack truck.

The next day when all the apologies start and the humiliation hits home is also difficult.  The stain that is left on the heart is something that words and a whole bottle of Lysol won't remove for a long time.  If it weren't for all of us in the fellowship who can share these stories, and now actually chuckle at the disasters that have occurred, I think that we would certainly have given up.  But we keep coming back, lend an ear, and offer our strength and hope to those who see nothing humorous at all about a fellow mistaking the mattress for a toilet. 

Thoughts

I appreciated your comments yesterday.  The great thing about being in a 12 step program is that nothing stays static. Every day is a new adventure in living. I realize that this is a difficult time for me.  I have worked in this career--it is more than just a job--for a very long time.  I studied hard to achieve the successes that I have made.  And yes, my identity has been tied up in my career.

I think of myself as a scientist. So I suppose it is only natural that there are moments when I confuse the job here with my profession.  The profession and the career can continue if I choose to do so. That is such a comforting thought.  I am not giving up my degrees, my publications, my knowledge or my experience--I am simply leaving this place of employment.  And I can always come back here to study or write and be welcomed.  I liken this to the analogy of  leaving Al-Anon for a while and then coming back.  I will feel comfortable because I know the program and can bet that I will be welcomed with warmth. And so it is with my profession.

So last night, I went to the study group and the meeting afterward.  I thought that the topic of "thoughts" was particularly appropriate.  Thoughts about myself have run the gamut from "you are a great person" to "you are such a mess and a f##kup".  I'm tending to listen a lot to the "good person" part of me more and more.

And that brings me to a great post that Smitty had on her site.  I asked her if I could reprint it here:

Nothing is more important than that I feel good about who I am. Therefore, I am going to do my best to put aside anything but positive thoughts. This means that I will try to think only good thoughts about you. While you may think this is wonderful, there is one catch: I may have to distance and detach from you in order to do this.

If I must distance myself in some ways as I learn to find a positive place of focus for myself, it is my hope that you will not take it personally. From this point on, I will not be able to listen to your fear, your criticism or your anger, as I cannot feel whole when surrounded by negativity. In order to stay in a positive place for myself I am going to detach, with love, from all that is negative around me and focus on only attracting positive things to me.

This will allow me to see things as they really are, for I cannot grow from a place that is full of frustration, anger, despair or feeling overwhelmed, through over-emphasizing the negative.

You may feel that I no longer care or will no longer be there for you. I can assure you that I will be consistently trying to think nothing but positive thoughts for you too. I will focus my thoughts of you on my hope that you get the desires and passions of your life. I will care that you find your happiness and joy. However, I realize that I am not the creator of your joy and that only you can create the things in your life that you want.

If what you want is a sounding board for your miseries or a target for your anger, then I will not be there for you. I am committed to finding joy in my life and wish for us both to thrive. If you choose to join me in accepting life on its terms, and in thriving through difficulties in this new way, I welcome you to be with me, but there will be no room for negativity. If you try to join me in negativity, then I will need to put myself first. If I find myself staying in your negativity, then I know I have some quiet homework to do! Cleaning up my side of the fence may require that I leave the scene and detach with love.

Today I am painfully aware that I cannot be weak enough to make anyone else strong, or sad enough to make anyone else happy, or confused enough to make anyone else clear, or passive enough to make anyone else a leader. I cannot and will not lose me to make a better or more complete you.

I will focus on my own desires and eagerly travel on my journey to finding joy. The measure of my success will be how much joy I attract from others and how much joy I share with others. Can you live with your joy? Then come with me, if not, I will venture forward on my own, hoping we may meet again in a new way.
 

Wishing you a good journey on this day.

A different way to love

After I wrote the post yesterday and read the comments (thank you), I talked with an Al-Anon friend who was having a hard time. Both of us had slipped up by expecting something from another person who has nothing to give. We talked about how frustrating it is to want someone to be different from what they are. When I do that, I'm taking back my will, forgetting about my Higher Power, and making the person I want to change a poor substitute for God. In short, I am bargaining with reality, and it simply doesn't work.

Sometimes when I have those moments where I want to deny reality, I become so angry at the disease and at myself for being sucked into destructive behavior. I have to keep reality front and center. Sometimes, I do this by remembering the defects, the lies, the deceptions, the failed promises, the bad scenes. If I don't remember how the disease has hurt, then I have a tendency to think only about the good times and the special moments. I let my guard down and start to build a rosy picture. And then...wham!

Al-Anon teaches that I don't have to accept the unacceptable or tolerate the intolerable. I can work through my feelings, but I don't have to stay angry or filled with resentment. When I am in a mode of self-pity, I am thinking that the other person did something to me. They were at fault which is a lie that I tell myself.

So inevitably through what I've learned in this program, I shift my focus to forgiveness by realizing that each of us has character defects and are human. Real forgiveness has nothing to do with who is right or who is wrong. It has to do with getting rid of my own regret, self-pity, and inwardly directed anger. I see that the other person is not the source of my problems, rather it is my complicity and responses to what others do that has done me the most harm.

I can still keep in mind that alcoholism is a deadly snake that is in the room and can strike at any moment no matter that the person is sober. That keeps me present in reality. I am taking care of myself, minding my own business, and letting the other person live their life.

This has meant that I've had to learn a different way to love. And it involves more loving of myself and making a decision about how I interact with the other person. I have had to learn to detach with love which is one hard lesson to learn.

Selfishness

I occasionally will get questions either by email or in the comment section. The following is something that I've thought about myself from time to time:

"The hardest emotion for me to overcome is the feeling of selfishness. I am constantly questioning myself and my "new method" of dealing with my brother's alcoholism as being selfish. I have recently taken a hard line with not wanting to put up with, witness or contribute to his drinking, which in turn has alienated me from the rest of my family - each trying their own method of coping with his problem. How is it possible to get my parents and my other brother to all agree on how to best help my younger brother with his alcoholism?" -Lost

Lost, you wrote about your brother and how the family is trying whatever they can to cope with his alcoholism. Since alcoholism is a family disease, it is important for the family to go to Al-Anon meetings and learn some coping skills that will help in their daily lives. Remember that alcoholism is a disease. Remind yourself daily, or hourly if necessary, that your loved one has a disease and you are powerless over it. You can’t fix it, no matter how hard you try or how “good” you are. It is impossible to “earn” the love or attention of an isolating alcoholic. Let that idea go – stop trying to manipulate the alcoholic and force solutions to the problem.

I used to think that my detaching and not wanting to enable the alcoholics in my life was selfish also. I used to spend so much time worrying about the alcoholic and little about myself. Finally, I learned to keep the focus on me and not on what the other person was doing. I still struggle with this at times. But it has begun to dawn on me that I am not being selfish. I'm simply learning to think about my own recovery first and foremost.

What I have literally done is divest myself of those things that cause me a lot of stress. I attend meetings, I do activities and hobbies that I enjoy and if I don't want to do something, then I don't. For many years, I just went along with things, going to parties when I was bored or anxious, or trying to fill my time with work or other duties. I don't do that anymore.

There can be repercussions from this. Once I started to have a life of my own, I began to enjoy time spent by myself. My wife, who is an alcoholic, was at first not used to my not being around all the time. She and I both struggled to keep a way to detach and maintain boundaries without isolating.

During her drinking years, I felt invisible and in need of attention. I no longer feel that I have to be "around" all the time. And my attitude has improved dramatically. I used to feel angry and found fault easily with others and myself. Now, I feel happy most of the time and have learned to not be so serious or critical of myself or others.

Since being in Al-Anon I've learned that I wasn't powerful enough to make another person drink. I knew that I was not the cause of anyone else's alcoholism. That was a great relief.

I quit beating up on myself for something that I might have done to control the alcoholism. There was nothing that I had tried that worked. After a lot of Al-Anon meetings and attending open A.A. meetings, I realized that it didn’t matter why my wife drank. The point was that every time she drank, she affected not only herself, but also me.

When it finally came clear to me that I was powerless over what my wife did, I started to get better. I was able to shift the focus onto myself –the person that I could change. And when that happened, I started to recover because I was stepping off of the emotional roller coaster of the illness of alcoholism. And that is also how I could help my wife. Feeling guilty didn’t do a thing except to make me feel bad about myself and to do and say some very outrageous things.

So I am selfish with my time and my recovery. But that selfishness has helped me to become a better person who is able to deal better with the stresses of living with an alcoholic. I don't pay as much attention to those things that I "should" be doing anymore. The trick for me is to find balance in this state of recovery. I started off on one side of the pendulum swing, doing all this stuff for others and letting my mental well-being and spontaneity slide.

My Higher Power continues to hold me accountable for my emotions and actions. I used to blame my alcoholic for all of my problems, but my growing awareness won't let me. Instead I have to take responsibility for my part.

Maybe we both are grieving the old way of life where I was always available to her at the expense of things that I wanted to do. I used to long for the time that she would realize how valuable I am and treat me accordingly. Now I've realized through the program that I'm much happier with myself and know my value as a person. And my guilt at keeping the focus on myself has diminished considerably. I'm going to continue to work towards balance as we meet on middle ground where we can both be comfortable.

It sounds as if you are accepting that there isn't anything you can do to cure your brother. It's important for those around him to stop doing things that he is able to do for himself. It's best to stop all manner of enabling behavior, and “detach with love”. An alcoholic will test boundaries and your resolve many times, but if you keep the focus on yourself and stop the enabling, your life will get better. And just maybe your brother will figure out that he needs to get some help.

Nothing to give

I made it to Newport. My hotel room window overlooks the water and many sailboats. I passed the Newport Shipyard on my way. There were some awesome boats there. I hope to walk over to see some during lunch.

I have to say that learning that someone has nothing to give is a hard dose of reality. After inventorying the situation, I can see that I was pretending the person was someone other than who they really are. I was negotiating with reality.

I know that people have all manner of character defects as do I. Once again I'm reminded that there is nothing that I can do about another's reality. However, the one thing that I don't have to do is deny it. I realize this particular friend is destructive. I just have to let him be who he is. I have wondered for some time whether he was capable of trust. Now I realize that I knew the answer in my gut for a long time.

I like that I have compassion but that I take care of myself and face the reality of our friendship. I realize that an addictive personality can include things other than alcohol. But I don't have to be involved in his sickness or secrets. I have decided, just as I knew all along, that this doesn't have my name on it.

For too many years, I have been a good friend. Now it's time for me to be a good friend to myself and take my own best interests into account. I like how the program has taught me that my choice is to set others free to be whatever they choose. And in letting them go, I also become free.

God is busy

Thanks for all of your great comments yesterday. Some of you had asked previous to that post about what were the circumstances that brought me to Al-Anon. It was really a life time of living with alcoholism but the defining moment of surrender occurred as written in yesterday's post.

I had been expecting something from someone who had nothing to give at that time and hadn't for some years. I could remember thinking how much I wanted to turn back the clock, start over, and have a clean slate. I felt as if I had spent years trying to understand the relationship between us. Some days things would be great while at other times they would be beyond horrible. Such is life with alcoholism.

It was time for me to let go of her and to let myself live. I know now that I didn't stop loving her, but I had to change my behavior in the relationship. And through this great program, the grace of God and the steps, I was able to stop trying to make her into someone she wasn't and to release her to be who she is.

By taking my hands off the situation and giving consideration to my own needs, a major change occurred. I was given a chance at a new life and freedom of spirit.

And today I get to give some of what was so freely given to me back. I'm telling my story at a meeting this afternoon and am hearing a fifth step with a sponsee this evening. He wanted to do the fifth step at the beach. So I've got some lanterns, a cooler of sandwiches and soft drinks, a blanket to sit on, the Big Book of AA, and a vista that whispers God is all around. I am honored and filled with wonder to be where I am today. God is truly busy with me today.

Thinking positively

The natural flight of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope."
- Samuel Johnson -

I went to a good meeting yesterday. The topic was on being positive which was something that I needed to hear and share about.

I am a positive person but my exuberance for life can be a bit much at times. As one person shared yesterday, "Syd, I hated to be around people like you before I came into the program. I had nothing but negative thoughts and didn't want to be reminded of anything positive."

If I get too optimistic about life, then I start to build those expectations. And expectations lead to disappointment and then resentment. These are things that I know. And by understanding what is going on, there comes enlightenment about the triggers for my behavior.

I know that I would rather be optimistic than negative in outlook. But I also don't ascribe to the Pollyanna effect in which my optimism denies reality. I know I am not blind to bad situations. I don't try to turn the facts around to make things seem happy.

For me, actions speak louder than words. My wife is sober. I'm grateful. She doesn't believe in a Higher Power and has worked Step One and the second half of Step Twelve. I can't do much about that. I accept that she still has the disease of alcoholism.

I have been accused of not trusting her totally. I guess in a "normal" situation, I would be able to trust her. But ours is not a normal situation because one of us is an alcoholic and the other one has been severely affected by alcoholism. I know that her intentions are good. It does no good to build expectations that can't be met. Or to punish each other for unfulfilled promises. I know that we have each punished ourselves enough on our own.

So, as I've written before, the program takes practice. And here is what I keep practicing:

• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
  
• Not to stuff my feelings.
  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.
  
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.
  
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
  
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.
  

It hurts sometimes

I talked to a lady recently whose best friend had gone back out and was banging on her door at 3 AM. This lady has gotten back on her own feet, owns her own place, and was afraid that the police would be called if she didn't let her friend in. She described how afraid she was and how she breached her own boundaries out of fear. The friend was drunk, incoherent, and a mess.

After a weekend of almost no sleep, the lady asked her friend to leave, took him to a meeting where he picked up a white chip, and then to a motel to drop him off. When she called him yesterday, she could tell that he was drinking.

She expressed her anger at herself and at God. She said that she no longer trusted God enough to let go. Her friend was drunk and possibly suicidal and yet she knew that she had to detach for her own sake. She simply didn't know whether she could trust that God would take care of him.

These are tough things to think about. We have to let go before we lose who we are. But in the process of letting go, we want to believe that there was nothing else we could have done to help. This requires a lot of faith and working through our feelings of powerlessness. I would like to think that what happens to the people I love is not my decision. I can't protect them from themselves. If I don't let go, then I hold on and lose myself in the process.

Moving Forward

"Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow." --From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

This passage really sums up so many good things. Change is something that I used to fear but now I see that it's the only way to move out of the past and into the present. Waiting for someone else to change is useless, wanting for someone else to change is an expectation, and trying to change someone else is control. As I move along this journey of recovery, I can see the changes in me. And I'm grateful for what that means in my life.

Sunday early

It's a beautiful day here. I won't be on the boat because it is in the boat yard now. But I may be able to get a good long 5 mile row in. It looks like the weather will cooperate for that.

I am appreciative of comments about my cousin and his wife. They live in Virginia which is far away from me. Fortunately she has a sister who lives close by her. And they both have friends who come over to help. Hospice was there for a while as well as occupational therapy. She does go out occasionally but thinks that he doesn't do well unless she is there. I will keep making suggestions to her about support groups, ant-depressants for her and him, and detaching with love. I hope that she listens.

Life feels good at the moment. I have nothing pressing on my mind. So here's what I'm grateful for today:

• Friends and fellow bloggers who share their experience, strength and hope
• That life has cut me a break many times and now I know that wasn't just coincidence
• That my SO spent a week away at a meeting and didn't have any desire to drink
• That I have enough sense (finally) to be grateful for those things that I took for granted for so long.
  

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday.

How to deal with this?

I have a cousin who has become disabled due to surgery from a brain tumor. He is alive two years after diagnosis of the most deadly of brain cancers. According to statistics, he should be dead.

Even though he can now stand and is beginning to converse a bit better, he also rages and curses at his wife. He is demanding and uncooperative. He also cries and is scared. He is now feeling depressed. He has threatened to give up, saying that he won't get better.

Now his wife is feeling despondent too. She has devoted the last two years to him. And when I write "devoted" I mean it literally. She has taken him to appointments, fed him, changed his diapers, given him medication and so on. But what is most telling is that she has given up herself for him. He is her universe. She said that last night he was yelling at her to feed him at 1:30 AM when he had already had dinner at 8 PM. She has gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the last week.

Maybe it is just the brain tumor causing this behavior. But maybe this is also about his self-pity and manipulations around that. It all sounds too familiar to me: The idea of sacrificing oneself for another who doesn't appreciate what is being done for them. It seems like enabling to me. And when I last visited them, I wanted to tell her to take some time for herself. And today, she finally admitted that she can't take the situation anymore. She said that she thought about crawling in bed with him and just dying too.

So I asked her if she had considered that by doing everything for him, he might not need to cooperate or do anything to help himself. And had she considered that by taking care of herself and getting some rest, the whole situation might be better. H.A.L.T.

I have never had to take care of anyone to this extent so I may be off base here. But it seems to have similarities to the alcoholic relationship in which one person enables the sickness of another by overdoing. If anyone has any experience on dealing with individuals with disabilities, please post some thoughts. Sometimes I think that I see everything through the 12 steps and perhaps they don't apply in this situation.

Go with the flow

My day is flowing along. I've got my lecture prepared and will go over it this afternoon. I'll miss rowing tonight because of the lecture.

I feel fairly rested today. I have to laugh at the fact that one of the cats was walking on my back at 4:30 AM and then one of the dogs decided that it was time to go out. Life with animals requires a sense of humor.

It promises to be another long day for me but that's not unusual for my Monday through Wednesday schedule. The best part of Wednesday will be that on Thursday and Friday evening I can go home since there are no after-work meetings or activities planned.

I thought that the following was particularly appropriate for me today as I have an "Easy Does It" philosophy:

"Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.

Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you've been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go. Let yourself move forward. Let yourself be moved forward.

Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can't, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take you safely through fierce currents. If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.

Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today's scenery again!

Don't think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow. Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn't necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time. You can trust the flow, and your part in it." from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie