Tradition Four

Here is Tradition Four in Al-Anon:
Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

The principle of this tradition is self-government with accountability. The traits that characterize the spirit of this tradition are self-focus (not self-centered) and courtesy.

In the book Paths to Recovery (page 166), this tradition is clarified by a question: "Does this mean that in Al-Anon anything goes as long as the group agrees to it? " Nope. Decisions in Al-Anon need to be made as a group and for the good of the group as a whole. That's why there are group conscious meetings. And why it's important to stay for them.

I like how this tradition applies in personal relationships. There's a lot that it has to offer for families and couples. It requires that I become unselfish and consider how decisions affect "us" rather than how it just affects me.

Yet, I think that the fourth tradition gives relationships freedom. Each person in the relationship is free to choose what they want to do, yet there is also a responsibility to preserve the unity of the relationship as a whole. I can be autonomous without endangering the relationship. Too much autonomy without restraint could cause a lot of damage.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person. It means that I can be who I am and not try to mold myself to be what others want me to be. I can still have my goals, desires, and dreams while intertwining them with the goals, desires, and dreams of another. I like the idea of two people being autonomous but working together as a union. Co-dependency isn't healthy and can be terribly restricting. Yet, I've surely been co-dependent most of my life.

Tradition 4 is also about my taking responsibility for my choices. I need to consider the consequences of my actions. The slogan that seems to come to mind is "THINK" and examine my actions before I undertake them. Thinking before acting has been hard for me because I am impetuous. I think but also will plunge ahead with a "damn the torpedoes" type attitude. So I obviously need to remember that I'm not powerless over my brain and can use restraint. That's where maturity comes in.

It seems that when I don't take responsibility, I can blame someone else when things don't go right. I blamed the alcoholic for my self-pity, anger, and misery. I didn't look hard at my actions and what I was doing until I came to Al-Anon.

There's a lot of good stuff to think about with this tradition. Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic because he is writing about the traditions of AA and today he is on Numbah Foah. I'm glad that we are doing these at the same time. I don't have his captivating stories but offer what I've come to understand about how these traditions work in meetings and in my life.

Rigidity?

I read an interesting talk by Bob Pearson who was General Manager of the AA General Service Office from 1974 to 1984, and then served as Senior Advisor to the G.S.O. from 1985 until his retirement. During the 1986 General Service Conference, Mr. Pearson made these interesting comments:

"Let me offer my thoughts about A.A.'s future. I have no truck with those bleeding deacons who decry every change and view the state of the Fellowship with pessimism and alarm. On the contrary, from my nearly quarter-century's perspective, I see A.A. as larger, healthier, more dynamic, faster growing, more global, more service-minded, more back-to-basics, and more spiritual -- by far -- than when I came through the doors of my first meeting .......A.A. has flourished beyond the wildest dreams of founding members, though perhaps not of Bill himself, for he was truly visionary.

I echo those who feel that if this Fellowship ever falters or fails, it will not be because of any outside cause. No, it will not be because of treatment centers or professionals in the field, or non-Conference-approved literature, or young people, or the dually-addicted, or even the "druggies" trying to come to our closed meetings. If we stick close to our Traditions, Concepts, and Warranties, and if we keep an open mind and an open heart, we can deal with these and any other problems that we have or ever will have. If we ever falter and fail, it will be simply because of us. It will be because we can't control our own egos or get along well enough with each other. It will be because we have too much fear and rigidity and not enough trust and common sense.

If you were to ask me what is the greatest danger facing A.A. today, I would have to answer: the growing rigidity -- the increasing demand for absolute answers to nit-picking questions; pressure for G.S.O. to "enforce" our Traditions; screening alcoholics at closed meetings; prohibiting non-Conference-approved literature, i.e., "banning books"; laying more and more rules on groups and members. And in this trend toward rigidity, we are drifting farther and farther away from our co- founders."

I attend several meetings in which there appears to be a "melding" of the fellowships of AA and Al-Anon. This isn't something that's intentional but happens because there are so many AA members who attend these Al-Anon meetings. There is frequent mention of the "other" fellowship, quoting from non-CAL literature, and so on.

Maybe I was just irritable at the meeting the other night. The person who had the topic showed up 25 minutes late, so the person chairing came up with a topic that included information from the Big Book. Then another lady came over from AA and brought her entire McDonald's super-sized meal and ate it during the meeting. It just seemed that the primary focus wasn't on Al-Anon.

I second guess myself all the time on my "rigidity". I like to play by the rules (=Traditions). And I bring to the meeting an attitude of respect for our singleness of purpose. But maybe it's time for me to just turn this over, put it in my God box, and quit taking the group's inventory.

Tradition Four

I like the Traditions because I see them as a way to not only have a functioning group but functionality in my personal life. Tradition Four speaks to autonomy as a group and autonomy in our personal lives.

For me, the hardest part of this tradition is maintaining autonomy in a personal relationship. I have to work at keeping the focus on myself. I like the idea of people working together in unity but also maintaining their own interests. Coming from an alcoholic marriage, I could often want too much "togetherness" and that is confining and unhealthy.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person, but it means that I don't give up who I am to be in the relationship. I can maintain my goals, desires, and dreams but also respect and support the goals, desires, and dreams of another and allow them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. I think that this makes a healthy relationship.

In Al-Anon meetings, it's important that each group not be a carbon copy of the other. I like individuality with the groups. In some birthdays are celebrated, in others there are speaker meetings. What I think makes Al-Anon special is the way that we can each express our thoughts without fear of criticism, interruption or gossip. We can in short be ourselves within Al-Anon.