Remember when...

"Remember when you were young..."

I got an invitation to go to my high school reunion today.  I've not been to one before. I did in fact come close once but decided at the last minute that I simply wasn't going to go.  My reasoning was that I really didn't enjoy high school much.  Sure, I had good times, but most of what I remember was feeling not a part of, being dumped by my first real love, and working hard to get the best grades so that I would be accepted to a good college and get away.

Fast forward to today, and I'm seeing that a few of the people that I went to HS with are really pretty cool.  They are no longer the jocks, the nerds or the bad asses, but just a bunch of people who have....surprise....grown up.  One of my friends is a runner and mountain climber.  Another lost his wife recently.  Others have had children, been divorced, had health issues.  They aren't frozen in time, except in my memory.  And a few of my classmates have died--a couple by suicide which took me aback.

So I'm thinking that it will be interesting to go and see who these people are now.  I'm wondering how they have evolved since HS.  No doubt, there are some that I will connect with and others that I may not want to see again.  But the fear of going back to the scene of so much hormonal and emotional angst has lessened.  I think that my life (and recovery)  has gotten to the point where people from the past no longer have so much power over me.  Amazingly enough, I've been able to let those HS experiences go and can actually laugh about the things that I took so seriously.  

So, have you been to any reunions?  What was your experience?

As I've Matured.......

My sponsor sent me this. It made me laugh. I don't know what it will do to you......

As I've Matured......

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Feeling apart

Throughout my life and even in recovery, I've always felt a bit apart from everyone else. I don't know whether this comes from shyness or just my insecurities. When I was a kid, I didn't have many playmates, just a few kids in the neighborhood. Being an only child, I learned to play by myself and entertain myself. I was comfortable with that and would have lots of fun running through the woods, climbing trees, hiding out in a woodland overhang that was my special place, or just being in my room.

High school was confusing. I had friends that I hung with and some that I wanted to emulate. I think that I wanted desperately to be part of the group. I had a tough time though because my father was exerting a lot of control over me. There was criticism about my attitude and because of my desire not to be controlled, we would get into some real fights. If he had been drinking, I would be picked at. It wasn't much fun to bring friends home on the weekend because I didn't want them to see the home situation with my father. So, I would either be out of the house or in my room. I spent a lot of time thinking about where I would like to be (anywhere but in this small town) and how I couldn't wait to escape.

College was my first chance at real freedom. It was a great place to be. I enjoyed classes, weekends with road trips, hiking, and lots of opportunities for dates. I felt that I was finally able to be who I wanted to be. Although I still excelled with grades, I was always willing to try something new and was an instigator when it came to adventures. Sometimes, I think that others viewed me as too radical and too adventuresome. I didn't care because I had been held down for so long that finally my spirit could soar. I loved going on hikes to the nearby mountains. I got drunk for the first time in college and found that I didn't like it. I smoked week and hung out with some of the drugged up townies. I seemed to prefer the people on the margin rather than those solid down the middle of the road types.

After college, I went straight to graduate school. It was near my home town but I had my own place which was nice. It was in graduate school that I met a lot of free spirits, including a fascinating person (C.) who I later married. I know that the excitement I felt being in love was really about the fantasy of love. I didn't look at the person or actions in a real way. I wanted desperately for someone to love me but when you fall for an alcoholic suffering from depression, the relationship is pretty much f**ked from the beginning. We found ways to torture each other emotionally. I would go out with other people but never felt that same pull as I did with C. When I would go to parties, C. would be drinking, and I would generally leave because it was too painful to watch. I felt a great aloneness during this period. I knew that it would be hard for me to stop loving this person who was messing up my mind.

Sometime during the early stages of work on my Ph.D., C. and I had a meeting of the minds and decided to get married. We never really had many official dates because there were always parties on campus and we could just walk. It wasn't a culture for going out to eat or to the movies. We spent a lot of time with each other though and would spend the night together as much as we could. Those times should have been happy, but I remember them as being sad because I never got the sense that C. was ever really happy. I wanted happiness for both of us so blamed myself for not being able to provide it.

It's funny how you look back and know that you've made a mistake before an event happened. The night before we were to be married, I thought that I was making the wrong decision. By this point, I had witnessed the self-pity, rages, depression, drunken stupors, and a host of other things that suggested C. had issues. I just chose to ignore all the signals and think that I could take care of it all through love. What a joke!

So we were married and things rolled along as they had before. I loved C. a lot but C. never really opened up. There was always a feeling of holding back true feelings. All of this just compounded the thoughts that I've had all my life about being apart from others. We would go to social events and after I while, I felt as if I were alone in a room full of people who were enjoying themselves. I didn't like small talk and couldn't wait to leave. I didn't want to talk about careers, houses, bank loans, and all the other BS that people at parties talk about. I wanted to find out what was in the other person's head. I wanted to ask whether he or she felt as alone as I did and as lost. I probably connected with a few people during that time and was able to find another few kindred souls in search of themselves.

Now after years have gone by, I've decided that it's okay to just be me. It's not so bad to be alone in a room full of people. I can actually step back and look at everyone laughing and talking and smile. I have met lots of people in Al-Anon and AA. A few of them know me very well and those are the ones that I share my innermost thoughts with. People at work know me in a professional sense but no one knows the desperation that I've felt from living with alcoholism. I don't think that there are many people outside of the program who would understand. As I've gotten more and more comfortable with who I am, I've been able to accept myself and realize that I'm a pretty good person.