Keeping the focus on myself

I have had some good meetings lately with one of the fellows I sponsor.  He is learning how to get his life back after spending years focusing on his son who is an alcoholic and addict. I think that learning to focus on what I am doing and not on the alcoholic was a major turning point for me in my own journey of recovery.

I was told many years ago by a psychiatrist to focus on me and not on my wife. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. It sounded selfish to focus on me, and I didn't understand how to put it into practice so I ignored the idea. Then, in Al-Anon, it finally came together for me. I understood that I didn't have much of a life because I was focusing every molecule of effort and attention on my wife.

It took me a while to see that focusing on me wasn't selfish. Instead,  it was about my being my own person and my chance at getting my life back. If I don't focus on me, then I too easily lose myself in others. I make them my HP. I also will not address what bothers me or my character defects if I put the focus on someone else.

Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years, but I have to say that since being in recovery, both of us have come to love each other more than ever. And I am not the angry, resentful, fearful and sad person that I used to be. By taking my own inventory--looking at what my part is--I learned that I was filled with resentment and fear. Now I inventory what I am feeling daily. It is second nature to look at my part. And then I can take appropriate actions to remedy what I have done.

One of the things that the fellow I sponsor is trying to do is have fun.  He has had a lot of trouble extricating himself from the drama surrounding his alcoholic son.  He actually has a hard time thinking of anything positive about himself and can't seem to grasp the concept of doing something fun for himself.

I remember so well that when I was stuck in my misery before recovery that I hated for anyone to ask me what I did for fun.  I would hesitate, feel uncomfortable and generally answer by saying that I liked cycling, running, reading, photography, and gardening. But mostly, I liked to work. The other things that I did were my way of escaping from home and work.  I think some of my happiest times were actually when I was at sea on research vessels and away from home and the lab. 

It feels good today to be able to answer enthusiastically about the things that I like to do.  I finally found more balance in my life where the focus is on what I want to do and not what I have to do.

I am focusing on me when I take time in the morning to have coffee sitting out in the yard and relax instead of going through a mental checklist of what I must get done.  I am focusing on me when I decline to be on boards and committees out of a sense of obligation.  I am focusing on me when I go on the boat for a few days to smell the ocean and listen to the waves and wind. I am focusing on me when I can go to the barn and brush the horses, listening to them breathe or eat hay. 

I know now that my wife and I are individuals and not bound to spend every waking moment together.  We worked together in graduate school and at the same laboratory. We love each other a lot.  But I know that I am not responsible for her happiness.  It's not up to me to solve every problem that she has or to tell her what to do.  

So, if you are thinking that you don't have much of a life because of alcoholism being so prevalent in it, maybe it's time to focus on creating your own bliss and focusing on what you want to do.  Don't put your life on hold waiting for the alcoholic/addict to come around. They either will or they won't. What matters is that each day can be special for you, if you choose to make it so.

Freedom for me

I struggle some days to come up with something to post on this blog.  Nothing much has changed from day to day lately.  My life is fairly predictable at the moment.  I meditate in the morning, read the paper and some blog posts, do something physically challenging (=exercise), go to meetings, visit the boat, spend time with my wife and dogs, meet with sponsees, and read, write in my journal and on this blog.

There is so little drama and chaos at the moment.  I attribute that to inner peace, grace, luck, the way the stars are lined up, retirement--who knows for sure.  I simply accept the peace that has come and am grateful for it.  The feeling of contentment is like drifting on a smooth ocean, lazily aware of what is around me but not concerned about storms or blustery winds or being run over by a huge container ship, or highjacked by pirates.

I've noticed that the posts that get the most comments are those that occur during times of crisis and sadness.  People reach out to lend a steadying voice.  That voice is within me most days now.  I feel it guiding me in my daily life.  Not reacting to annoyances of life with anger or self-pity is a great gift.  The gift has been acquired slowly and requires daily maintenance.  I tend it as I would a delicate plant or one of my beloved dogs.

I still struggle internally with my own demons of rejection and abandonment. But their voices are muted for the most part because I realize that they can be drowned out by new voices of hope, friendship, love, and acceptance.  I feel apart of so much these days.  I have no power struggles, no achievements that I must tout, no one breathing down my neck to produce more.  This feels like freedom to me on all fronts.

The skeleton key unlocks the mind and swings open the door of imagination. A far better place than here A much safer place than there The quintessential somewhere The mystical nowhere The enigmatic anywhere My gift to you - the key to everywhere.
The mortal will find itself lost while the soul always knows the way it is grateful for the darkness and celebrates the day
I can give you peace my peace I give you... but I cannot be your savior or your god - I cannot be the light along your path - I can only give you the lamp and point the way.
The blind will see... the deaf will hear... but those who choose reason will never understand.
Woe to the ones who think they know the answers they will cease to ask the questions that may be their own salvation.
We possess the knowledge of the Universe from conception. Once born we are taught to forget.
If we cannot look out at our world and see our children's vision then we are truly blind we are unable to lead them to paradise.
Even people who are in the dark search for their shadows. Shadows exist only if there is light. We will never find total darkness - not even in death... ...and we always cast a shadow no matter how overcast our skies become. You are never alone."
Do not listen to the voice that shouts to you from behind desks behind podiums behind altars. Do not pay attention to the orators and the opportunists. Do not be distracted by the promises made behind masks. Listen to the quiet. Listen to the whispers as they gently guide you through the assaults of man's absurdities. Listen to the gentle breathing of your mother and lay your head to rest in her peace and in her warm embrace and understand that truth and power lie within you. Breathe silence.
The free bird will always return to the cage sooner or later to seek food and water and the loving hand of it's caretaker. ― M. Teresa Clayton

Rain at last

The rain finally arrived last night and continued throughout most of today.  There is a hatch over the V-berth and the rain was falling on it, making a wonderful comforting sound.  There is nothing quite like a lazy rainy day.  A few thunderstorms moved through and the wind rose to move through the rigging.  I checked to make sure that the anchor was holding us.  Other than that,  I slept deeply and without dreams.

This morning the old dog needed to go for her walk on the beach.  She and I took a long walk in the misting rain.  She likes this weather, having a good double coat that keeps her dry.  When we got back to the boat, we all enjoyed breakfast,  read some, and later took a nap. 

All too soon, it was time to head back to the marina.  I could stay another week out.  This life suits me, being part vagabond and mostly loner.  But there are things to do at home.  It's time to plant in the garden, putting in peppers, eggplants, tomatoes, and cucumbers.  The screened porch needs to be cleaned of pollen which will run like a yellow river when hosed off.  And this week, I am having to study for my Marine Communications System exam.  Life is calling, and it's time to get back to the reality of it. 

For the few days that I have spent on the boat, I feel cleansed and free.  The distress of the last few weeks has left me.  My spirit is renewed, just as I imagine that the plants are refreshed with the rain.  The dust has settled on the dirt road heading to the house.  The leaves are washed and the wind has shaken out the last of the oak leaves that fall every spring.  Every living thing needs a time of renewal, whether it is from rain or from having a few days to get away and live a fantasy life. 

Home again

C. is now home.  She walked up the lane from the mailbox.  For most of the day she has dozed.  She has eaten very little and has little appetite.  But she is getting up on her own, resting in a comfortable chair and has on her favorite bath robe.  I know that she will be okay.  She will have to be especially careful for the next six weeks--no driving, mild exercise, good diet, no lifting, and cardiac rehab.

As for me, I have been hovering.  I have to stop doing that because it not only doesn't help her, but it readily makes me crazy.  I realize that I am not wanting to be a caretaker, yet I feel as if I need to be doing something.  I have the medications organized.  I have cooked dinner.  I took care of the dogs.  I am sleeping on the couch tonight to be near her in case she needs something.  That is all I can do.  I cannot make her well any sooner.  But I surely can make myself crazy.

Tomorrow I am going to go to my boat for a few hours.  Her parents are coming over to visit.  They don't drive after dark and are not early risers any more.  But they will be able to stay for a few hours to allow me to go to the marina.  I am hoping for a break for a few hours each day.  I consider this to be essential to my own mental health.  I need a certain amount of time to myself, time in the outdoors,  and time to be free of routine. 

For a while this afternoon,  I felt totally at a loss. I felt as if I wanted to flee. The whole idea of care taking seemed overwhelming. Then I thought about how grateful I am that I am healthy and my wife is alive.  Not that many years ago,  she would be dead.  Instead she is mending and is doing well.  That is enough to get me over myself and my self pity.  It will be one day at a time.  I can do that.

Life's a Beach Somedays

After the rain last night, it cooled off a bit today.  At least enough for us to get a good row in with the group.  We were all mindful of our missing friend E. but put our backs into pulling on the oars.  We didn't talk a whole lot but towards the end of the row when we were heading back to the marina at a good clip with the tide running in our favor, we were laughing.  The racing boats were out for their afternoon practice with their multi-hued spinnakers billowing.  It was all really wonderful to be on the water and to be alive.

When I was going through some things in my office, I found an old photo of me with my older cousin.  We were shirtless and barefoot.  Just two kids having a great time without a care in the world.  It was a day like that today.  I could feel that kind of freedom like I experienced when I was a kid running wild through the woods and fields during summer break.  Those first few days when I was out of school with the whole summer stretched before me were wonderful times.

Back then, when life was a lot simpler, I didn't put on shoes except on Sunday, would play all day doing something, and really had only minimal problems to deal with. I would mostly try to figure out how to have a good time with my cousin without getting punished by an adult. Since he was three years older, I generally was the fall guy for most of our antics. Those summer days were magical, and the nights spent on the porch listening to some far off radio station were serene.  I would listen to music that wasn't played on our local station.  Sometimes I would fall asleep on the old glider on the porch and spend the night there without a care in the world.  Knowing that the next day would bring new adventures was enough for me.

Retirement is feeling like an endless summer vacation so far.  I'm finding that it's possible to recapture that feeling of freedom and fun. I'm still a kid at heart, and I'm enjoying the new life that I've found.  I may occasionally feel a bit undone without a formal schedule, but I can tell that I'm getting used to setting my own hours.  No shirt, no shoes, no problem..... Just for today Life's a Beach.

A new freedom

Well, the day has finally come when I am no longer officially employed.  This is my last day that I have to show up, deal with staff issues, fill out time sheets, attend department head meetings, and so on.  One of the last things I have to do is to turn in my exit checklist and sign over my equipment to others. 

I have to tell you that it feels very good.  One of my rowing friends asked me if it felt like the last day of high school.  I had to pause because high school was quite a few years ago, but I could remember that sensation of getting out for the summer after graduation and knowing that a whole other world awaited me. College was still a few months away so I was essentially free to read what I wanted, cruise in my car,  and to celebrate the rite of passage to adult hood. So yes, that is exactly how this feels.

And just like high school, there are those who have acknowledged my leaving in very meaningful ways, others who have given ritualistic and cliched acknowledgments, and others who have not acknowledged it at all.  It would be easy to build a lot of expectations around all of this.  But thankfully, my expectations are low when it comes to how people express their true feelings to others.  Some are able to do this easily and for others, avoidance is the best way.

What is really good for me is that I know after so many years of working I have a new freedom and a new happiness.  I am keeping my wonderful office that overlooks the harbor for the time being.  I will be able to continue to do science without the administrative hassles.  No one needs to hunt me down to handle this emergency or that. I can come and go as I want.  I am experiencing being a free adolescent spirit once again.  And I am celebrating the rite of passage to another stage of life.  I'm not old and don't feel old, so I'm calling this rite of passage the one to my second life.

Recovery has been instrumental in that second life since the last few years here have been those in which I have practiced the Al-Anon program. Recovery will continue to be important in my life and now I will have more time to devote to service work.  I am grateful to have these chances to do what I like to do from the standpoint of my profession and my recovery.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes.  I am most appreciative for your kind thoughts.  I am still the same person, but simply am enjoying a new set of wings at the moment.

ADHD and alcoholism

I have been wanting to write about this subject for a while.  I became interested in ADHD because I have a good friend who is a recovering alcoholic who seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of adult ADD inattentive type.

I know his story pretty well.  He has talked to me about his failure in school because he was bored.  He didn't want to do homework.  He only wanted to do what he enjoyed.  And when the subject was something that he enjoyed, he could hyperfocus. He can become obsessed with a subject and will talk over others in order to return back to the subject that interests him. Otherwise, he will "zone out" and day dream.

He also has an inability to sustain healthy relationships. Just as with classes, he was a stimulus seeker, often having multiple relationships at a time.  He would hyperfocus on a woman and then become bored when she would begin to be attached to him.  His communication skills were not good, often zoning out and not answering questions when spoken to. 

His ability to sustain a job has been minimal.  Once again he would like the job for a while and then become bored or start to find fault. He has drifted from job to job, often spending down to his last few dollars before he was motivated to look for another.

His house is disorganized.  Dirty clothes are strewn everywhere.  The dishes are unwashed.  Mail comes through the slot and stays on the floor.  But his tools are all in order and his books are lined up with precision on his shelves. When things get bad enough, he will clean up the place and make it presentable.  I marvel at this because he has the ability to take apart a car engine and put it back together without a problem.  Yet basic household cleanliness seem so unimportant.

His constant companion is his dog that he loves fiercely.  And he takes care of her with great love and much kindness.  He has never so much as raised his voice to her.  Yet, he has discussed with me the rages that sometimes overcome him when he is frustrated with objects or people.   These melt downs occur without warning.  His fuse is short and he erupts in a tantrum that involves cursing and throwing things.  The melt downs are reminiscent of an 8-10 year old who can't get his way.

I have read that children with ADHD are believed to be at risk for alcoholism because of their impulsivity and distractibility, as well as other problems that often accompany ADHD such as school failure and behavior problems.  My friend started heavily drinking when he was 16.  And his drinking continued to progress until he nearly died. Along the way,  he engaged in risky behavior, bar brawls, multiple DUI's, driving under suspension, and assault and battery with intent to kill. 

Studies have shown that alcohol and drugs are often a way that the ADHD kids self-medicate. They don't fit in well with their peers and are often the trouble makers and cast offs in school.  They begin to realize that they don't think in a linear manner and feel "different" from their peers. Their impulsivity often brings them into contact with others who are also "different" and part of the "cast offs" at school.  This is what my friend did.  He hung with the other bad boys, cut school, drank and smoked dope.  His slippery slope began.  

He has told me that he wanted to be in the Air Force and be a fighter pilot like his dad.  But his father who has a very linear brain told him that he didn't have the math skills to be a fighter pilot.  Teachers labeled him as "lazy and stupid".  His self-esteem plummeted.   After a while he just gave up caring and began to self-medicate and use alcohol as a social lubricant to overcome his deep shyness.

I have encouraged him and have learned to not react to the melt downs that occur.  He is 19 years sober but very much still entrenched in the "isms" of his disease.  I wonder how it is possible to separate the ADD from alcoholism.  Maybe that's not important.  But if you are wondering about anger, lack of ambition, lack of achievement, and disorganization, check out some information on ADHD (or ADD in adults).  I was surprised at what I learned.  Here is a good article that describes a lot of the reasons that those with ADHD are prone to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs.

Hope that you are enjoying this Friday.  I'm off to take a boat load of kids for an educational tour and lecture.  I may be driven to distraction too!

Another beautiful day

As I drove into work this morning, I stopped a couple of time to photograph the scenery that makes the place I live so beautiful. I've included several of these so that you can get a taste of the place that I call home. 

It is another beautiful day.  I am spending lunch with a new sponsee.  He is a double winner so I agreed to be his temporary sponsor.  I am glad that he has 12 years of sobriety, attends AA regularly, and has an AA sponsor. That lets me know that he is serious about recovery and is likely to be willing to do Al-Anon work.

This afternoon we will head to the boat for the weekend. We want to watch the Blue Angels perform over the Harbor so it may be a weekend that we stay at the marina or perhaps leave to go to the island.  I like the spontaneity of just going with the flow and not having a set schedule.

The rigidity that I used to have has given way to simply drifting with the moment.  I used to be have rigidity because it enabled me to have some modicum of control in an unmanageable life.  It seemed that the only thing holding me together was a schedule. I still show up for commitments such as work and meetings, but my free time is just that--free.

I hope that you enjoy your Friday.

The author of genius does keep till his last breath the spontaneity, the ready sensitiveness, of a child, the "innocence of eye" that means so much to the painter, the ability to respond freshly and quickly to new scenes, and to old scenes as though they were new; to see traits and characteristics as though each were new-minted from the hand of God instead of sorting them quickly into dusty categories and pigeon-holing them without wonder or surprise; to feel situations so immediately and keenly that the word "trite" has hardly any meaning for him; and always to see "the correspondences between things" of which Aristotle spoke two thousand years ago.~ Dorothea Brande

The essence of pleasure is spontaneity.~ Germaine Greer

Freedom

This is the third post from a workshop that I found particularly interesting. This one is about how one can obtain freedom.

1. One may hold truth without inwardly possessing it. I need to actually apply the truths of the program to the reality in which I live. I can do that by applying the steps of the program, accepting the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, that I need a Higher Power to help me, and that the problems in my life are an opportunity for spiritual growth.

2. I can only grow by sharing and being of service. If I only have an interest in the program of recovery, I won't get as much as when I participate and do service. So I am willing to help out at meetings; I am willing to speak, or spend time working with newcomers. There are many jobs that I can do to be of service.

3. I have learned that alcoholism is a permanent disease which can be arrested but never cured. This surely is a thing I cannot change. I can change my way of thinking and living with courage and detachment and with the help of the program. Conscious and conscientious practice of all the principles of the program lifts me into a good, healthy way of life in which I have courage to meet what ever comes.

4. Freedom can come through education of the public. Much work is still needed to rid the disgrace, shame, and guilt attached to alcoholism. I can participate in outreach programs of my district.

5. I can live the program. Freedom comes from letting go and letting God. Only by living the program, day in and day out, can I really know it and when I know the program I can pass the message on to others.

6. I must take the help of my Higher Power and have the humility to ask for that help, before my life can begin to straighten out.

7. Live one day at a time. Our twenty four hour program is logical and valuable. If I live each day completely, to the best of my ability, not looking hack in regret, nor forward in despair, then I can attain a richer, fuller life. When I have peace within and freedom from despair, I show others what is possible and share my blessings with all.

8. Thought to meditate on: "Try looking through the eyes of another and see what you discover."

9. Practice the slogans: Easy Does It - don't knock myself off center fearing what probably isn't there. Let Go and Let God - I can't have everything to suit myself, but never fear, my Higher Power will help me cope. One Day at a Time - concentrate on just this moment and not on the fear of what might happen, but hasn't yet. First Things First - I can never gain the serenity I seek if I dissipate my strength in nameless fears. Live and Let Live - Life is too important to live in turmoils of fear and judgment. I can learn to live with confidence. Worth repeating again "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and there was no one there".

10. Principles above personalities. This is difficult when I allow myself to indulge in judging others. I needed to change those old ways of thinking. Desperation brought me to Al-Anon and I found a ray of hope. By practicing the principles of the program, I am coming out of the darkness and breathing free.

11. When I let go, I don't give up anything that belongs to me, but relinquish something I didn't own to begin with. By returning it to the proper hands, I obtain freedom.

12. Certainly not last in finding freedom is the fourth step. Nothing helps as much as a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, but I must go on and complete this inventory with step 5. I've taken the inventory, admitted to God, which is the easy part as I feel He knows me; and admitted it to myself. But now I must go further and admit the exact nature of my wrongs to another human being. This part is beneficial because the person I chose didn't allow me to beat up on myself repeatedly. Instead, he helped me to see the good qualities on which to build.

13. All the steps are vital to my new life of freedom: "When I know I am free within myself I will be better able to give loving thoughts to others."

14. If I remember that only God makes no mistakes, I can accept myself, my fellows, as human beings with much more happiness and contentment all around.