What's Going On

Here's a recap of what has been going on here.

• The state Al-Anon convention was a great experience.  The speakers were inspiring. One workshop was exceptional. These conventions are run like those in AA with speaker meetings and workshops going throughout the day. We have several raffles which are fun.  Each group brings a basket filled with all kinds of things.  One of the groups I attend did a dog theme basket. There is also a general meeting theme, and this year's take home message was service. I came away with wanting to do more service work. Thinking about starting an Alateen meeting on the nearby island and a downtown meeting at the city hospital (only one downtown meeting now). I actually contemplated putting my name in for the District Representative, but decided that the time spent on the road to the state capital would be more than I could bear for three years. Made that road trip too many times in my career.  So I sent in a resume to be on the regional literature board. Do more, get more. 
• The anniversary of Mom's death was Feb. 27.  The day passed quietly on the boat as I thought about the feelings of grief we had last year.  It seemed at the time that we would never feel good again because everything was so overwhelming. Pop was sick. We were grieving. The house needed to be sold. So much all at once. I'm glad to have moved past that difficult time. She isn't forgotten, but the acuteness of the grief is gone. We can look back and take comfort that Mom lived a long life, and we have the memories of her to smile about. 
• The birthday of my cousin who died last June from glioblastoma multiforme is tomorrow.  His wife has moved on with her life, reconnecting with old lovers from her past. I'm glad for her because she had no life for the 8 years that she cared for my cousin. She has also been caring for her 96 year old mother for years, but she has finally decided to move back to her country home in Virginia and has told her sister that she can no longer be the caretaker for their mother.  Sounds to me like she is now taking care of herself. 
• Landscaping has been moving slowly with the weather.  It's either rainy or miserably cold. So the back yard is all torn up. The birds are going crazy with feeding and mating.  Male cardinals are seeing their reflection in the glass and flying into windows all day trying to drive off a competitor. We call them the "crazy cardinals" because they seem to not get that there isn't another male. 
• Speaking of crazy, the town is all fired up over a new reality TV program called "Southern Charm" that stars a bunch of characters that live the high life in the old city.  One of them, Thomas Ravenel, was the state Treasurer until he was indicted and convicted of cocaine possession. Now he spends time playing polo and living the life of a wealthy bachelor. I wish that some of the intellectuals of the city had been featured, but I suppose people would much rather watch a train wreck than learn something about the train. 
• I have come down with a cold and am generally feeling lousy. This too shall pass.  In the meantime, I am drinking hot tea and not doing much on these rainy chilly days.  I did build a fire yesterday which pumped out heat. And I took a nap on the couch.  
• Last night, I chaired the Al-Anon meeting. It was on Step Three--Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  I don't think of my Higher Power as being a male or female but rather something greater than me. I am not religious, but I believe in the spiritual connectedness we have to each other, animals and Earth. A lot of people in meetings are religious and take comfort in religion. I think that is good.  It took me a while to come to believe in something other than myself. I share honestly about my struggles with finding a Higher Power--at first, it was the group, then my sponsor and eventually, it was a feeling of freedom and release, of empathy and compassion, and connectedness to others.  

Excuse the stream of consciousness writing. My head is foggy and it's time for me to take something to help with the cold.  Hope that you have a good day. 

Turning point

The rain is coming down today and is supposed to last until the afternoon.  I'm enjoying being at home.  The door to the porch is open, letting in the clean smell of rain.  I slept in until 7 AM which is unusual when I'm home.  But today, I don't have anything special to do, no schedule.

Last night, the Tuesday night group had a nice celebration for one of the long time members in Al-Anon.  She celebrated 30 years and talked about the turning point for her.  It came when she was told that her alcoholic son had a Higher Power of his own, and she wasn't it.  To her, that simple statement meant that she could stop trying to force her will on her son.  She could let him go to find his way, entrusting him to a power greater than herself.  I have heard her story many times and remembered the first time she shared that she could finally not carry all the burdens of others on her shoulders.  Her words helped me to shrug off the weight that I carried for so long.

Vanity, ego and stubbornness were my enemies when dealing with others.  If only the person would do what I said, then all would be okay.  But people have their own minds, their own time table, and their own shortcomings.  It was presumptuous of me to think that I could make another person do as I wanted. The cost in energy to my being was huge.

Now when I see a person stumble,  I offer my hand, a word of encouragement, but I don't try to fix or change them.  Many times I have bitten my tongue when I see what I think are mistakes a person is making. But who am I to say whether what they do is a mistake?  Their beliefs and actions are theirs to own.  I know that our paths may diverge and that is okay.

At some point, there will be a turning point for each of us, a place where we either realize that the path we are following is folly or one that will lead us to where we were hoping to go.

In every life there is a turning point. A moment so tremendous, so sharp and clear that one feels as if one's been hit in the chest, all the breath knocked out, and one knows, absolutely knows without the merest hint of a shadow of a doubt that one's life will never be the same.— Julia Quinn

A loose garment

After a long, very long in fact, day with 150 eighth graders yesterday, I knew that I needed a meeting last night.  My patience had worn thin, my "don't give a shit" attitude was in full force, and my near disgust with the human species was obvious.  Yes, that is exactly when I need to be in an Al-Anon meeting. 

A recap of my day would go something like this:

• a change of plans at 10:30 to take the entire group of 150 to a nearby Fort instead of to the island via boat.  The wind was blowing too hard for a boat trip across the harbor. 
• Take three groups of 50 eighth graders through the fort, the museum and to the nearby beach where most of the time they are running wild. 
• Have to call down a couple of boys for trying to smash a living crab against a rock.  Kid says, "But I just want to kill it." Yes, and I am starting to have a similar feeling about the kid. 
• Another kid tells me that he just wants to kill something.  So I tell him to run out in the street in front of a truck and he will get his wish.  Definitely, not one of my better moments. 
• Girls are drawing hearts in the sand.  Boys are drawing huge penises and testicles in the sand with some shells spewing out the top.  I am not a psychiatrist but wonder if this is wishful thinking on both parts. 
• A highlight is that the dolphins decided to put on a show which captivated about 30 of the kids. Some were also interested in hermit crabs and a few other critters that we talked about in the tide pool. I start to feel a bit better. 
• I am thankful to see all the buses leaving and cheerily wave them on their way, thinking how glad I am to see them go.  And hoping that I won't see them again.  
• Wondering what I am doing with this job and how ill suited I am to deal with these alien creatures.  I used to be one, but that is but a faint memory to me now. 

So then I head to a meeting after an hour break for a sandwich.  The meeting is packed to capacity.  And the topic is Let Go and Let God.  There are no coincidences.  I needed to be here.  As always happens,  I feel a sense of peace descend on me as I listen to the welcome, preface, and steps being read.  All the stuff from the day starts to lift from me.  It is true that the feeling is like shedding a heavy coat, only to have a loose garment underneath.

There were quite a few tears shed last night.  Some people were struggling with loved ones who were deep in their disease.  There was talk of how imperfect our ability to let go really is.  But that it is indeed necessary if we are to feel any freedom in our own lives from alcoholism.  I have been where they are--feeling helpless, lost, and not seeing how there will be any good outcome.  And yet, I knew that I needed to come back, just as they are doing.  And in my coming back, I began to feel better.  That's the beauty of this program. 

A few people shared about their deep faith and how that has sustained them in turning things over to the God of their understanding.  I had none when I came in.  I felt that the only Higher Power was me.  And I was doing a really poor job of it.  I know that letting go is difficult.  But I gradually began to loosen my grip on others.  And in doing so,  I began to trust that they could find their own way without my directing them. 

When I left that meeting, regardless of whether I heard solutions or just problems of life with alcoholism,  I felt better.  I was tired but felt at peace.  Wearing life like a loose garment is something that this program gives me.  And that's why I keep coming back.

 

Flowing

There is guidance for each of us and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word. Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday was a rough day.  I went to the hospital to visit.  C. was tired and irritable.  There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep.  I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me.  I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.

A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged.  Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well.  She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk.  Getting out of the hospital will be good for her.  I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?

At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through.  I really have nothing to fear.  A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.

Today I want to be like flowing water.  I want to go with the current and not fight it.  I want to flow around the disruptions and not let them impede me.  I see this process as acceptance, letting go of resistance, and shedding the illusion of control.  I need to get over my own fears of not being enough.  If I go with the flow, then I will be as close as possible to the channel in which my life flows.  All will be as it is intended.

Unmindful of his welfare

"Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days." from Bill's Story, Alcoholics Anonymous

I don't know what made me think of this quote today but for some reason I was thinking of how often I have either been unmindful of the welfare of others or of my own welfare.  I used to not be very mindful of my own welfare.  I would often give up things that I wanted to do because C. didn't want to do them.  I put myself in bad situations because C. wanted to drink, and I thought that I needed to take care of her.  I never thought about what I wanted to do.

And eventually the stress got to me.  Even before we were married, there were times when I felt that I couldn't take anymore unfullfilled promises, bad behavior, and unreliability.  And later, after being married, I realized that I was still not mindful of my welfare.  But the balance had begun to shift where I was not being mindful of her welfare either. 

I had slipped over to trying to control through anger, self-pity, and stony silences.  I was not only damaging her but was eroding away our relationship.  It is incredible the lengths that I went to because of alcoholism.  And no where did I have in mind what was good for me or others. 

It wasn't until getting into recovery that I began to not only think about my welfare but the welfare of those around me.  The harm that is done to others because of my insecurities and fears can be as great as the harm done to me by the alcoholic.  I am grateful for a chance to be mindful of a lot of things today, including God's will for me. 

Finding us in the end

Today has been another long day.  I finished up the series of statistics lectures, met with a sponsee, went rowing for nearly two hours, and got home after 9 PM for a late dinner.  Tomorrow won't be nearly as crazy busy, and I'm grateful for that. 

I have talked with my sponsor several times since his surgery.  He is thankfully doing well. He has a wonderful attitude, and I will go for a visit tomorrow after the noon meeting.  It will give us a chance to have a mini-meeting if he is feeling up to it.

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I have been happily distracted in my work from thinking about my friend's suicide that happened last week.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that this woman who provided a lot of comfort to others slipped like water through our hands.  There were several people who knew the depth of her depression.

And she herself had been making plans to move to an apartment, and to admit herself for ECT (e.g. "shock" treatments) before she overdosed.  All of this still bothers me deeply.  I can't help but think that ECT would have helped her with the depression.  It certainly worked wonders for my mother who surely would have died without it.  Was there something that could have been done?  I keep asking myself that, realizing that it is such a moot point.  The life is over.  It won't be regained.  I need to move on. 

I know that the solution to this sadness lies in my practicing steps two and three. When I am in despair, I am not trusting that God is beside me.  Sadly K. had said during her last weeks that she had lost her Higher Power and no longer believed.  Some of us can regain our Higher Power by working with others, going to meetings, and reading literature. But there are those who are truly wired differently physiologically who can't seem to fight their way back to God.  But I believe that God does find them in the end.

Having spent time with Hazel, her little dog, in the last few days convinced me that K.'s spirit is near.  Hazel snuggled against me, licking my face, my hands and looking at me with trust.  There is supposed to be a memorial service at the beach on Sunday morning.  I think that going to that will help with the healing.  The beach going dogs that K. so loved will be there.  Hazel will be standing by, ears alert to the spiritual presence of her beloved human companion.

Are you feeling lucky today?

I saw on the news last night that a man walking along a beach on Hilton Head Island was struck and killed by a plane that made an emergency landing on the beach.  He left behind a wife and two children. My first thought was how sad and my next thought was what crappy luck.  Here you are, walking along a beach on vacation, and the next thing, your life is ended by a plane that hits you.

I also thought about my principal from elementary school who lived on a farm.  He would walk down his long lane each day to get the newspaper. One morning he took that walk to his mailbox and was hit by a car that ran off the road.  In both these circumstances I wonder was this luck, destiny or coincidence.  If either of these people had been delayed by a minute, their lives would have been spared.  What if the man on the beach had stopped to gaze at the ocean or look at a shell?  What if my principal had stopped to look over his farm fields or gaze at a wild flower as he walked his lane that fateful day?

I have heard people say that they believe in destiny and that luck has nothing to do with it.  My father would often say, "when your number is up, then it's your time to go."  I wondered about that.  I tried to imagine God sitting with the Big Book Keeper in the sky, going over names and saying, "Well, it's time for Syd to go. His number is up."  It just didn't make much sense to me then and it still doesn't. 

Maybe luck as destiny is the reason that some people don't seem to care about how recklessly they live life. They are the roulette players in life.  Nothing matters because it is all about fate. 

I am not one who believes in destiny.  I think that I have a brain, a heart and a conscience for a reason.  I think that I have choices that can influence my lot in life.  I realize that God does have a plan.  But I don't think that plan is arbitrary and capricious.  God has me here for a reason.  If I totally believed in luck and destiny, then nothing I did would change a thing. 

I think that living life on luck would lessen my purpose here.  If it all comes down to fate, luck and destiny, then why would I even want to live a life of purpose? On the other hand, I realize that much of the control that I have is really about my choices.  I can shape what is to come by the choices that I make. I also have faith that all will be okay this day as I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.  The faith that I have enables me to get through many things in a day that used to cause me to stumble, feel frustrated, and thwarted by fate. 

So yes, I do feel a bit lucky today to be enjoying life and not waiting for the plane to fall from the sky.  I'm going to stop and gaze at the ocean, pick up a shell, take a walk down a long lane, and row with the team tonight without any thought of destiny and fate. I am a lucky fellow! 

Third Step Prayer

As part of the third step, I ask sponsees to develop a prayer. I wanted to provide this one that I found particularly profound. It is from S.G.

God, Goddess, Universe, Power, Divine Energy,
Take me home
..... to Myself, My Soul, My Heart.
Help me to allow the Power that I am to emerge.
May by beauty take me over....
Like water
Eroding away the jagged edges
that keep me locked in obsession
of some him or her that I confuse will heal my heartache
......my search for connectedness.

May I not deny my quest for union,
but instead see all I have as
the opportunity to be connected
to if I choose.
Help me to know this connection can
be not just enough but it can
exceed my expectations and leave me
with a sense of solidity within
Myself and Everything
that will make
what I am seeking undesirable.

May disappointment not rule me. May I transform
disappointment and bring what I truly seek to
the table wherever I do and am.

Help me to use creativity to experience Us in union......
for you are within me and all around me
and I am of you.
I now and will surrender in your presence and
listen to the Power of our truth;
As I trust our guidance as the wholeness we make in Unity.
Blessed Be.

Hope and Faith

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I received this award from cw2smom. I appreciate receiving this award about keeping the Faith and having Hope.

I appreciate being given not only the award but the hope and faith that I received in this program. Before Al-Anon, I was always directing my hope towards the alcoholic. I was hoping that she would stop drinking; I hoped that she loved me; I hoped that someday I would be happy.

I heard in Al-Anon that there was hope for me. And in working the steps, I found that Step Two opened the door to the possibility that I might be able to get restored to sanity. My insanity meant that my emotions were dictated by the alcoholic who was a barometer of what was a right or wrong response. I always felt that I gave the wrong response.

At first, I only shared the pain that was within me because that was all that I knew what to do. I somehow felt that it was okay to let down my defenses and finally admit what a mess I was. If you looked in my eyes at those early meetings, I think that you would have seen emptiness.

At the meetings, I heard that there was HOPE which also means that when we can Help Ourselves Purge the Emptiness, then this program is working. I didn't need to give up hope, in fact I found much more hope than I had ever imagined.

Faith was something that took a little more time. I've come to learn that faith is a feeling that doesn't rest on logical proof or evidence. I have faith in a Higher Power, but I can't prove that Higher Power exists. I believe it though.

I found that in the Third and Eleventh Steps I could look back at my life and see the many ways that my Higher Power has acted on my behalf and walked beside me through many difficult times. I may not have seen or understood the guidance that I received at that time but eventually I developed faith in a Power greater than myself.

I have learned that my Higher Power can—and will—do for me what I cannot do for myself. I know with certainty that my Higher Power is working in my life. All I have to do is to accept things and people as they are. I do not have to stop questioning and trying to understand. Instead, I have come to realize that by doing those things, I am developing a stronger faith.

I have come to know myself better, and it is my ever deepening faith that allows me to be comfortable in my own skin, to show honest compassion, and to be of service.

Getting through

I have felt foggy in my head for the last day. I have a lecture to give tomorrow, and I'm not as prepared as I normally am. I have everything put together but just don't feel much enthusiasm. So this afternoon, I will devote time to getting my notes prepared.

I have been thinking about last night's meeting. It was one that was charged with emotion. The topic was on slips. In Al-Anon, we make a slip when we slide back into the old way of thinking, when we forget that we are powerless over people, places and things. Slips occur when we forget that there is a Higher Power to whom we can bring our problems when things seem insurmountable.

I can see that Step Three is what I most need to remember when I start to feel unsure. This morning I wrote about my friend and put the note in my God box. I am resigned to the fact that I am not in control. He has a Higher Power and I'm not it.

Just writing that makes me feel better. Amazing how this works.

Entirely ready

Last night's discussion was on Step Six. It was interesting to hear various view points on this important step. This is the step that Bill W. said would "separate the men from the boys". When I first read about step six, I thought that it seemed so simple. I've done my inventory in Step Four where I've brought out a lot of strengths and shortcomings that I have.

In Step Five, I'm first admitting to God that I have defects of character and what those are. I then admit these to myself and take responsibility for what my inventory revealed. Then I talk to my sponsor or another trusted person in the program about the exact nature of my wrongs as well as the good things about myself. So I couldn't understand the big deal about Step Six.

Last night though, I learned that this really is the step where you "Let Go and Let God". It's a step in which I'm willing to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I'm never going to be perfect but I can make progress towards giving up those things that have blocked me for years. I can't remove these things on my own because that isn't going to work for very long. I've tried to control so many things and been unsuccessful. I know that without the help of my HP I'll not be able to remove the fear, lust, envy, judging and controlling that I do. I need to be willing to let my HP take over and work within me to be the best that I can be.

I think that the key to this step is letting God. I'm glad that we discussed this step last night because it isn't as simple as I had thought. It really means that I need to revisit Step Three and my relationship with my HP. And it makes me realize that as I complete Step Four and move into Step Five, I'll be needing to consider that my defects of character are actually not altogether bad but can help me become more spiritual and be an opportunity for greater recovery.

Looking towards the light

I am grateful for a day at home yesterday, closeness of the dogs, mending fences with my SO, and those who called to check on me or email me after Tuesday night's drama. I'm back at work today, feeling renewed and inspired to go for a run at noon. It seems that when my head slips back into replaying the old tapes or I accept someone else's pain, then my energy just goes way down. But today is another day and it's filled with a lot of promise.

I do have great concern about one of my older dogs who hasn't been feeling well. She is at the vet's today to be checked out with more tests. I love my dogs. This old girl has been so special for so many reasons. She is now grizzled with grey on her head, paws, and behind. She is depressed from not feeling well, yet she still manages to wag her tail and look at me with adoration. I would like for her to be in your thoughts today.

I know that there is a plan for everything. There are those who will be around when the sun goes down and there are those who won't. I think about the loss of life this week and know that for some reason a disturbed person took away a lot of plans, hopes and dreams. As I heard Sister Maurice say, "All will be revealed in time." I know that there is a plan for me or I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling better about myself and looking at all the day has to offer. I am out of the darkness and looking towards the light today.

One Step Back and One Step Forward

After having a much needed meeting last night, I went to the nearby restaurant with some Al-Anons and a couple of AA fellows. We sat and talked about the roundup and other things related to the program. I had called home on the way to the meeting and after the meeting. Things seemed to be okay.

When I got home though the proverbial shit hit the fan. My SO started by saying that I had no interest other than with the program and that because we had such different interests, it seemed best for her to take a bedroom upstairs and for me to either move out or stay in the downstairs wing of the house. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I would like to tell you that I detached with love and let go and let God. I would like to tell you that I just accepted that she was tired after a business meeting out of town and that all would be okay. But I reverted to my old behavior and tried to discuss the matter. Rather than just say, I'll talk to you tomorrow and let her sleep upstairs, I asked what was going on to bring this tirade about. So I got a lot of resentment lobbed my way, and I accepted it. As I was embracing all her resentments though, I realized that I didn't feel anger at her or any resentment myself. She said that she wanted things to be the way that they were. And I told her gently that wasn't possible because neither of us are the same people we once were. I told her that I was finally making some good friends in the fellowship and that it was good to get together after the meeting. I said that I was doing what I needed to do for me. Then, she lapsed into self-pity, claiming that it was all her fault with the drinking and that had driven me away. At this point, I just listened. I wanted to say, "No, it wasn't just the drinking that drove me away it was the depression, the self-pity, the martyrdom, and the lack of any interest in me until I started having outside interests myself." But no I didn't say anything. I just walked over and took her hand and said "let's go downstairs and get some sleep".

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night but thankfully today is a different day. She still is wallowing in self-pity to a degree but has gotten better as the day has worn on. I put some speaker tapes on and we listened to those. I took the day off today to be home and be around and try to get some rest. I wouldn't have been much good at work anyway.

What happened to me last night made me realize that it is so easy for me to get back into those behaviors that made me crazy and empty. Today, I'm thinking about Steps One through Three and going over them in my mind. After doing that this morning, I have found that today is a different day. One day at a time is all I can do.

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself. I don't expect to dramatically alter my life. My goal is simply to move in a positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps. " from Courage to Change

Thinking about a resurrection

I've never thought much about the true deep significance of Easter. I know the biblical story and have participated in church services for many years but it always seemed to be a fantastic story to me. I just couldn't relate to the idea of resurrection because I was thinking in my scientific mind about how this could occur. What I was doing was missing the entire point.

Now after being in Al-Anon for 8 months, Easter feels very different to me. It signifies an awakening, new life, wonderment, and hope. It's as if a stone has been rolled away from my heart and I'm experiencing a resurrection of my own spirit.

Last night, I went to an AA meeting where the topic was fear. Everyone there expressed fear about relationships, drinking, self-worth and new directions. I was reminded once again that if we just give our fears over to our Higher Power, things will be manageable. It seems that struggling to cope with the complexities of life remain too much for many of us. That's why having a belief that things will be better if we Let Go and Let God is important. I'm still not a religious person but I've come to know a spirituality that provides a lot of comfort. If I hadn't found this program, I'd still be walking around as a shell of a person, letting anger, resentment, and fear rule my life. I still have a long way to go but today I see the promise of a new life and a new way of thinking. I'm very grateful to this program, my sponsor, and those who have been on this journey of recovery with me.

"Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough.

All of us need something to cling to with absolute confidence. If I have been disillusioned by disappointments, or have been let down by someone I trusted, it makes me feel as though I were alone and vulnerable in a hostile world.

I will not deprive myself of God's help and guidance.......Confidence and dignity are restored to us by the knowledge that we are God's children." From One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

Step Study: Step Three

At last night's Al-Anob meeting, we talked about Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is a step in which I can either choose to get lost in all my character defects or accept my limitations and let my HP take over. Through step one I've learned that I can't control people, places or things, especially the alcoholic. In Step Two I accepted that a power greater than me can help me, nurture me and restore me to sanity.

For me, I think about three parts of Step Three: 1) making a decision, 2) turning over my will and 3) letting God as I understand him take care of me.

The making a decision part was explained to me by my good friend D. He used an example that he had heard in his AA meetings, "If three frogs are sitting on a log and one of them makes a decision to jump, how many frogs are left on the log?" When he first told me that, I said "Two!".
Well, the answer is three frogs because one only made a decision. So I can be willing to make a decision to turn over my will and life since that is the only one that I have any control over.

In turning over my will, I am accepting help from my HP to help me take care of myself. I am also letting go of all the things that I have tried to control. Through this step, I'm trusting that my HP will facilitate my recovery. I now realize that I can turn to my HP when my life becomes crazy.

The God of my understanding started out for me to be the Al-Anon group itself. I now have focused more on my HP as a spirtual being who gently nurtures me and loves me regardless of my character defects. It is now a trust that I have and a confidence that no matter how bad things are, my HP will see me through.

My sponsor urged me to write down prayers and notes to my HP and put them in a box. I've done that on several occasions. It does help to give up struggling and fretting, and simply let go. I feel closest to my HP when I'm near the water and watch the waves and might of the ocean. Even though there can be confused seas and turbulent times, there is an eternal rhythm to the waves given by the tides. Our lives will also ebb and flood but the HP will be there to keep us in rhythm.