Reset my mind

We had to euthanize our sweet greyhound girl this week.  I knew it was coming because she had kidney and heart disease.  We bought her a lot of time with trips to the veterinary hospital for fluids and medicines.  But eventually, the kidney failure was too much for her. We are both sad that she is gone but know that it was time.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks to childhood.  These are not dreams but happen when I am not highly focused on something. All of a sudden, there will be a vision of me standing in front of a bookcase in the old elementary school library, or me running down the dirt path leading to my cousin's house, or sitting on the stairs at my parents house looking out into the large front yard.

So many of these vivid flashbacks are occurring that I am wondering what it is about.  I have read that these can be caused by unresolved anxiety, or some form of PTSD.  But these aren't unpleasant memories at all--just very vivid and in great detail. I certainly would choose to be in the present and not have all of these thoughts about the past coming up and rushing through my head.  I asked my wife about it, and she said that she has dreams but hasn't experienced the vivid flashbacks that I am having while awake.

Sometimes I do wonder if I may not have inherited some of my family's tendency towards depression.  I hope not because it was a very hard road for both my mother and her father.  And it isn't any journey that I want to go on.

So I am going to stay in the moment by going on the boat this week. The weather is going to be cool.  It seems to reset my mind to go on the boat.  Right now, I am needing a reset for sure.

Sharing some photos of my greyhound girl when she was healthy and could run like the wind. I miss her a lot.

Quieting my head

I've been doing my best to catch up on blog posts.  I still have a long way to go on that but am getting there.  I'm glad that you write a lot because blogs have become a way of gaining knowledge and growth in my program of recovery. And the comments you make help me as well.

I was reading a comment from Mark (The Walking Man) who asked if I ever quiet my mind.  I can do that when I am at peace within.  In fact, a quiet mind is my usual state on the boat.  Sometimes, my mind is so quiet that it is blank--I'm not thinking about anything really.

At first, I wasn't sure that having a blankness was good.   I have been an analytical person all my life.  I was paid to think and analyze.  When the world pushes too hard at me,  I look for a solution.  Most of the time, I don't find one.  But I like the idea of thinking in terms of solutions and not about all that is wrong or problematic.

I don't like to have the wheels going in my head all the time though.  I believe that there is some action on my part that I can do, even if just to observe a situation and learn from it.  After that, I leave things alone and let others be.  I do think that things will work out the way that they are supposed to without my trying to orchestrate them to my liking.  And if my mind isn't necessarily quiet at times, at least I am making consistent efforts at keeping my mouth quiet.

I am still struck by reacting, especially when I am confronted by ignorance, hatred, bigotry, unfairness, and toxic behavior.  I want to reason with those who are unreasonable.  And it doesn't work most of the time.  As an example, it is rare anymore to have a civil discussion about politics.   Engaging in a political discussion is the quickest way that I know to lose quietness of the mind. I either say nothing when the accusations start flying or walk away--most of the time.

I do believe that some of us are born to live inside of our heads.  I was one of those who thinks a lot.  But I also know that it's good for me to talk or write about what I think.  That has been a big improvement for me--to not keep everything bottled up inside or to ruminate over and over on something.  Processing events takes time.  Eventually,  I let go and get back to having quietness and stillness.  Ebbs and flows.  Ebbs and flows.  Light and dark. Quiet.

Be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign

that you’ve died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon  

comes out now.

- Rumi

Some things I thought about today

Here are a few things that came to mind today:

Whenever I am confused about people and what they do or what they say,  I do my best to remember that they are imperfect and have shortcomings.

I don't often understand the decisions of others, but I will bet that most are predicated on either fear or ego.

People who decide to mind my business instead of their own must find me terribly interesting.  I wish that I felt the same way about them, but for the most part what people do doesn't surprise me anymore.

I know that words can hurt no matter how much I may say that they don't.  What's wrong with saying to someone who was mean, "I don't appreciate that"?

I sometimes feel like a nomad who is wandering and looking for a few kindred souls to join up with.  Some days I find them in the rooms of Al-Anon and other times, I feel like an alien who just arrived from another planet.

I can wish for others to be someone that they are not, but all the wishing is not going to make it true.

Being around someone that you truly hate eventually becomes like drinking poison in small amounts.  It makes you a little sick at first, but eventually the accumulation of all that poison will kill you in some way.  I am glad to say that I don't hate anyone.

I sometimes think too much about what makes others tick.  I need to wind my own clock and ignore the fact that they may be in another time zone entirely.

Trust is one of the hardest things to recover once it is chipped.  It doesn't get put back together well because there is a shift, ever so small, that cannot be completely mended.

If you have nothing good to say about someone,  what is the point in continuing to be around that person?  Surely, I would rather be around someone I liked than someone who vexed the hell out of me.

I stay up way too late and think way too much about topics for which I have no answer.  Good night all.

Feelings sometimes feel like facts

I hear the statement that feelings aren't facts at meetings frequently.  But as was shared in the meeting last night: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having my feelings”.  And that surely is okay because for so long emotions are often repressed around alcoholics.  They are repressed until they boil over in anger and resentment.  So feelings are a good thing.

But where does the phrase "Feelings aren't facts" come in?  To me this means that some of my thoughts are really fabricated projections and aren't based on reality.  It is easy for me to relapse into the old way of thinking that involves blame, judgment, obsession, and even dislike. My thoughts can either be ones that are distorted, based on unfounded assumptions and negative projections or they can be ones that bring me pleasure, comfort, peace, and acceptance.

The feelings that I have had which were counter-productive to recovery were those in which I blame myself for what I perceive as a slight by another: "If only I had said something different, the person would like me."  And usually if I stay in that frame of mind long enough, I get around to twisting those thoughts of blaming into having angry thoughts about others:  "I don't deserve to be treated this way.  This person is a royal pain."

I have to smile at these little internal rants that so quickly can take over if I am not careful.  And these can occur whether I actually know the person or not.  It may be a perceived snub from someone on line.  Or it may be someone I know who was busy and didn't say Hello.   These thoughts happen instantaneously based on the old fears of abandonment, rejection, and criticism that happened in the past, mostly in my family of origin.  It is the child within raging against all kinds of perceived slights.

So when these unhealthy and negative thoughts come up,  I take time to sit with them and look at them from an adult perspective.  Are these thoughts really true or are they some dregs from the past that can poison my present?

What I have learned in Al-Anon is to speak my true thoughts to myself.  I see if they are real, based on the facts in front of me.  If they are just something that I have invented based on the old painful stuff from the past,  then I need to look hard at whether I want to believe that these emotions fit the current situation.

I don't want to live in emotional drama in which my thoughts are based on hating others or myself.  I believe that I have a choice about what thoughts to accept as true and which ones are fueled by my past experiences that go all the way back to childhood.  I am glad to realize that not every thought that comes into my head today is valid.  Not everyone is out to get me or be a jerk.  In fact, I think the opposite of that by thinking that most people are truly good and well-intentioned.  If I take the time to think clearly without reacting,  I get along with my fellows better, am more mature in my outlook, and see other points of view that I might not have even considered.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. ~F. Nietzsche

Tuesday's thoughts

I woke up with a headache today that made me feel nauseous. I wasn't even tempted to have a fresh baked oatmeal raisin cookie. Instead, I took some sinus medication and went back to bed.

I had a meeting yesterday at work that made me wonder about leadership, authority, small minds and narrow vision. It's a chicken or the egg sort of thing---did the small minds and narrow vision come as a result of leadership and authority or is it the other way around?

I can't think of anything that I want or need for Christmas. I would just settle for having a house full of people in recovery that have no family nearby and treating them to a great homemade Christmas dinner. Instead, it will be my in-laws and us. It's times like these that I wish for a big family and children running around.

Tonight is the 20th anniversary of a meeting I regularly attend. There's going to be some festive food. Several of us have been going for ice cream after the meeting, and it's been fun. However, last week, a fellow I know pontificated the entire time about how to work the program of Al-Anon. I chose to join in a conversation about rebuilding an old Mustang. I don't enjoy pontification.

The fall colors are at their best right now in this section of the coast. So far there hasn't been any frost and most of the summer flowers are still doing well. The fall garden is going to yield some collards, kale, and cabbage. Hopefully the collards will be ready by New Year since they are a New Year's Day tradition.

We decided to put up all the decorations again this year because the squirrels, deer, foxes, opossums, and rabbits enjoy them. After all these years, we finally got everything organized into boxes labeled by room. We used to pull a "whatchamacallit" out of the box and wonder where it went.

I'm no longer in search of aluminum Christmas trees since I now have 2 little ones and one large one from childhood that goes on the library table. It even has the color wheel that I thought was so dorky as a kid. Now I think that it's pretty cool.

Since I've been writing this, my headache has gotten better so I'm going to take a shower, get dressed, and head into work. I am glad that writing a few thoughts down works better than Head On. It ranks as one of the worst commercials in my opinion. It's right up there with The Clapper and I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up (Life call).

Have a good Tuesday.

Alone with the killer

Following yesterday's post, I was thinking (sometimes dangerous for me) about how a perceived feeling of hopelessness can feed on itself, growing tentacles until it permeates every fiber of our being. I've sat in restaurants, which is one of my favorite places to people watch, and observed how alone people seem even when they are with another. Just a few days ago, I watched the blank stares of a middle aged couple, intent on chewing and staring at their mashed potatoes as if they were tea leaves foretelling the future.

I would wonder what these two were thinking. And why weren't they looking at each other, or saying something even if it was a trite comment such as "This gravy is a little watery." Yet, each seemed oblivious to the other, each lost in thought. Unfortunately, I don't think that this is unique. From my own experience, I've been in a room of over a hundred people and felt as alone as if I were on an iceberg floating in the southern ocean.

Such retreating inside my head was never a good choice for me. And that's because I tend to think too much, over analyzing just about everything. I often catch myself talking out loud when there is nobody in the room. Although most of you will say, "okay Syd, you are over the edge and ready for the rubber room", I can tell you that speaking something out loud that is stuck in a "do loop" in my head helps.

I think that is probably because I need to export the stuff that I'm thinking out of my head. I need to get out of myself and stop having a monologue about me. Because when I'm in my own head, oblivious to what or who is around me, then I am alone with the "killer".

This "killer" keeps me isolated, insecure and full of fear. It keeps me unaware, shut down, and will eventually kill all joy that I could experience. So what I see on many faces as I people watch is that they are alone with their "killer". I can see the thoughts grinding in their head as they chew their food. I don't know what their thoughts are, but I can bet that they aren't about adventure, excitement, joy, or spontaneity.

Suffering in silence seems to be a tragic part of alcoholism. One of the astounding things about being in recovery is that all the silent suffering I did, all the intellectualizing, all the hurtful thoughts that I kept inside, did nothing to make the problem go away. In fact, it only made me feel worse. I think each of us has been alone with the "killer", but I don't have to do that anymore. I may still suffer, but I don't have to do it alone.

I think that is one of the greatest things about recovery. I get to sit in a room full of other people several times a week, listen to them, be aware of their tears, their laughter, their smiles, their fidgeting hands and legs, and become free of what is in my own head. And instead of talking out loud to the ether, I get to say to others, and to my Higher Power, what is on my mind, and they get it. That is an awesome thing.

A new day

Today is a much better day for me than yesterday. I heard what I needed to hear in the meeting last night. It was packed with people, so many that some were sitting on the floor. And as usual for this meeting, there was a lot of great sharing, not always pretty and not always full of solutions but very real thought-provoking stuff.

The topic was Keep It Simple. Yesterday I wasn't doing that. I was being lead around by the voices in my head that were telling me that all kinds of things were going to happen, that things weren't going to work out, that I might as well give up.

The fist of anxiety grabbed my gut and didn't let go until I visited with some friends before the meeting. We talked vegetables and gardening. I could feel myself getting grounded in reality again. So by the time I got to the meeting, I was beginning to feel better.

Keep It Simple is a good slogan for someone like me who tends to make things much more complex than they need to be. I need the reminder to take things at face value and not let my imagination run wild. I have been the "fixer" for so long that sometimes I have to remember what is really mine and has my name on it. I don't need to pick up and carry the load of someone else, just what's mine.

As I wrote yesterday, if I can just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, I'll be okay. It's when I take on the issues and problems of another, that I create chaos in my life. The unnecessary things that I do distract me from looking at what is going on with me. If I remember that God's will covers 360 degrees of me, then I can relax.

I look at my dogs and see how simple their life is. They are great examples of living the Keep It Simple philosophy. They sniff each other, give a wag of recognition, are hardly ever irritable and don't worry about anything. They aren't anticipating what's for dinner, whether they are going to get brushed, or go for a ride. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They seem to like everyone they meet. They exude warmth and happiness in a sincere way. They seem to take life as it comes, live in the moment and show me that the simple life is quite happy.

I thought that I'd share a poem by Robert Frost that seems to capture the idea of keeping it simple:

"The Armful"

For every parcel I stoop down to seize
I lose some other off my arms and knees,
And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns --
Extremes too hard to comprehend at once,
Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.
With all I have to hold with hand and mind
And heart, if need be, I will do my best
To keep their building balanced at my breast.
I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;
Then sit down in the middle of them all.
I had to drop the armful in the road
And try to stack them in a better load.

"Let's don't louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple." Dr. Bob to Bill W.

Overthinking

I passed my cruising certification with a good dose of humility. The practical part was relatively easy, but the written test was more difficult. I think that I have always over thought questions, even when I was taking tests in college and graduate school. I tend to see the question from different angles, second guess myself and get hung up.

It's been over a year since I took any kind of test (the first sailing certification test last year). Maybe my brain just doesn't work as well as it used to but when faced with multiple choice questions, I tend to go into over analysis. And the questions I missed were ones that I over thought.

I tend to do that over thinking with a lot of things in life. I certainly have over thought relationships and second guessed the meaning behind words and actions: She said "A" but maybe she really means "B". You know that kind of thinking that drives me and everyone else nuts. It's the "what if" scenarios that I'm setting up and reading more into something than is there. In short, as my father would say, I'm making things difficult for myself. Over thinking doesn't give me any clarity but instead clogs my thinking with negativity.

And then there is the "This sounds right and looks right so I'm just going to do it" kind of thinking. It means that I move ahead and devil take the hind most. It doesn't work that well on tests either as I'm either not reading the question right or am rushing through and not thinking clearly. This approach leaves many wrong turns in life and wrong answers on tests.

I think that the best thinking comes in the context of reality when I don't necessarily follow totally along logical lines but "gestalt" things a bit and keep my head and heart in alignment. I'm just thankful I don't have to take any more tests anytime soon!

"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
lyrics from Tool off Lateralus.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

One of the slogans in the program is "Think". Lord knows, I've done enough of that for several people. I think that I've analyzed and re-analyzed so much in my life time and yet the distortions of my thinking have only begun to be clear to me recently.

I've heard distorted thinking called "stinking thinking". I think that this is an apt name because when my thinking loses perspective, it means that my head is firmly stuck up my butt, and I need to get it unstuck. I've also heard this expressed another way: "When I'm in my head, I'm behind enemy lines."

I've had a lot of thought distortions that generally involved an ego that told me I was not liked, not good enough, not having any fun. So I would isolate myself which only made the thinking worse.

I found the following types of distorted thinking to be interesting. These were exercepted from the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. Some are examples of distorted thinking that I've engaged in:

1. All-or-nothing thinking - I see things as black-or-white. I'm focused on perfection and if someone or a situation isn't "perfect" then it's a failure. I've learned that no one or thing is perfect. I'm only human. And today I celebrate my humanness rather than castigating myself.

2. Overgeneralization - I see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when thinking about it. I've learned that "always" and "never" are God words. I only have today and can start the day over any time that I want. There are second chances.

3. Mental Filter - I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. I've learned that I may get a critical comment, but I don't have to obsess over it for days while ignoring all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - I reject positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count.” If I do a good job, then it's okay to feel happy. I don't need to discount good work that I do.

5. Jumping to conclusions - I interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support my conclusion. I need a reality check.

6. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me. Another reality check is needed.

7. Projecting: I predict that things will turn out badly. Most of these thoughts start with "What if" and end negatively. I avoid what if statements because the scenarios are endless and never positive.

8. Magnification - I exaggerate the importance of my problems and shortcomings, and minimize the importance of my good qualities. I do an affirmation list to bring out my good qualities.

9. Emotional Reasoning - I assume that my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. Just because I may feel sad, doesn't mean that I'm hopeless or somehow a second rate person.

10. “Should” statements - I tell myself that things should be the way I expected them to be. This leads to guilt and frustration. I don't want to "should" all over myself. I also try to avoid thoughts that start with "must", "ought", or "have to". Too many parental messages lead to stinking thinking.

11. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. I sometimes attach a negative label to myself when I make a mistake. Labeling is a way that I beat myself up and feed low self-esteem. I don't label others much. I've learned to accept that others have their own way of doing things. My acceptance of them helps me to think constructively rather than destructively. I can be gentle with myself too.

12. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under my control. Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I don't like the blame game or play it. I've learned to take my own inventory and not the other persons. As my sponsor says, when I speak negatively of others then it's reflecting what I think about myself.

What I've come to understand through working the program is that these thoughts represent my perception which may be very different from reality. So I need to do a reality check. I ask myself whether the sad, angry, lonely, anxious feelings I'm having are based on fact. Am I trying and convicting someone due to my imagination? How does what I'm thinking compare with the reality of a situation?

In addition to doing a check on the facts, I look at what is going on and what my role is in it. I also know that I can run the thoughts past my sponsor, go to meetings, and ask for spiritual guidance in lifting me out of my miserable thinking.

Just because someone says or does something that is unkind to me, doesn't mean that I need to own it or engage in distorted thinking. I can respond with healthy words and actions or I can choose to simply walk away. The slogan T.H.I.N.K. is a great acronym for any statement that I make: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?

Stick with it

I went to a great meeting on Tuesday evening that really got my thoughts going round and round. The topic was about loss. Most people shared about lost relationships. And how they lost themselves in dealing with alcoholism.

As people were sharing, I thought about how I really didn't realize how much I had lost, until I found myself in this program. I was determined never to be the quitter. I stuck with my wife through some bad times, I stuck with my mother during her depressions and last years, I stuck with my job during many periods of disillusionment, and I stuck with living even when I felt like such a loser.

Many times I've wanted to give up, run away, say I don't care, and move on. Is this a flaw within me that makes me stick things out regardless? Is this my fear of change? I ask myself these questions because I heard in the meeting that people were making decisions that they had put off. They were leaving their marriage, their job, the "safe" place and striking out to get what they wanted.

This topic of loss has made me realize that I stay through thick and thin because I feel a sense of responsibility. I also don't want to hurt other people. I think that I'm still willing to sacrifice what I would like to do for what I actually need to do. These are heavy thoughts for a Thursday.

I'm going to a meeting where maybe the thoughts will get quieter in my head.

Sad posts?

Molls wrote a comment on one of my recent posts that what I write seems sad. I guess that my posts may seem sad because the situations that I write about depict the pain of people, including me, who have been affected by someone else's alcoholism.

I'm not by nature a sad person but a thoughtful one. That can translate to "serious". Maybe it's a manifestation of my disease that seriousness and thoughtfulness come through as sadness. I do have a lot of compassion for people who come to meetings and are in so much pain. I know that pain because I lived it and still live some moments of it through my character defects.

Yet, I can be as goofy as anyone. And there are times when I sit down at the computer and think about nothing that's serious. It's as if my mind has blanked out the heavy stuff. I want to write about the boat or my new camera or any of a dozen things that have nothing to do with alcoholism. There are those days when I need a break from the disease and all the thoughts that go with it.

So in keeping with feeling happy, I'm going to tell you about a present that my wife bought me. Some of you know that I like photography. I dabble in it quite a bit and hope to do more when I have free time. Anyway, I've been using one of Nikon's first digital SLR cameras, the venerable D70 since it came out. Yesterday, I came home to see a box sitting on the table in the kitchen. It was a Nikon D90 with two new lenses. What a surprise!

Of course, I asked "What is this?", knowing full well what it was. She said, "Oh, it's that Nikon that you've been drooling over." Ha--she knows me well and knows what I drool over. And there was just a little bit of the thought that "I don't deserve this" going through my head. I think that I even stammered that this was an unbelievably nice gift. But I decided that even though I might not feel that I deserved it, I really was happy with the gift. Well, it took me about 2 hours to unwrap and study every piece in the box. And it will take me another day or two to mess with the settings and read over the manual.

So I'm happy as a crab in pluff mud with this new toy. And grateful for the caring of my wife who never ceases to amaze me. How's that for some happy stuff?

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer from The Invitation

I read this poem today and thought that it captured a lot of things that I've thought about. Some of these things have become evident to me since being in the program. And some are things that I've thought about but could not express well. What she writes about fear in the book, "We are afraid that we will not be enough", is something that I've thought about. It's a good little book for meditative reading. Just wanted to share it here.

Move a muscle, change a thought

Today, I was just feeling blah. Not sure whether it is the tiredness from the weekend that's still with me or whether I've got some anxiety just hanging around in my head. Anyway, I decided that the best thing to do was to get to the gym.

I've been a regular at the gym for many years but within the past month, I've found that I haven't been going as much and have worked during lunch. I know from articles I've read that aerobic exercise improves symptoms of mild to moderate depression. The toil of exercise has been proven to help manage emotions as well as providing a physiological tune up for the heart and vascular system.

So today I worked out for a good hour. It felt great to sweat and generally get rid of some of the stuff that was swirling around in my head. The saying of "move a muscle, change a thought" seemed to work. This doesn't mean that I'm just distracting myself so that the negative thoughts go away because of the distraction. It seems that by working out, I sweated all the negative stuff out of me. Maybe it's another twist on the theme that "I can't think my way into right action... but I can act (taking actions) my way into right thinking."

Making decisions

I've been thinking about a lot of things in the last few days. Being laid up with a stomach bug gives you lots of time to think about where you are in life and where you really want to be. I've mostly gone along over the years with all kinds of things, never really allowing myself to think about the things that I wanted to do. Now, I'm finding that there is a whole new world available to me and I'm beginning to see that I don't want to waste time getting to that new world. I've thought about my marriage and wonder whether it is salvagable. I've thought about my possessions and wondered if I could just walk away from them. I've thought about my career and whether it's time for a drastic change.

Things seem exciting for the first time in a long while and I am wanting to not hang back this time and let life pass me by. I know in my heart that I really want to live alone, be my own person, get up when I want to, go to bed when I like, eat what I fix, and do nothing or do something. It's hard though to make the break from all the ties that bind me to home and job. I now understand why people just walk away from everything and move to a different place, get a new name, and start over. I'm too committed to run though so I'll have to work through this the hard way--by thinking through options and making decisions. Some of these decisions are going to rock my world and those around me. I'm not going to rush into doing anything drastic yet but I can feel that the time is coming for some choices. Maybe it's the program and recovery, but things are definitely much different than they were a year ago.