Ninety Days, Just Ninety Days

The new book by Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery,  begins where Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man ends.  Mr. Clegg, an admitted crack addict, has been released from the psych ward at Lenox Hill Hospital after a two-month bender that ended in a suicide attempt.  He has lost his business, his money, his partner, and most of his friends. 

Thus begins his journey to achieve 90 days free of alcohol and substance abuse.  He sees this as the Holy Grail of achievement, becoming the one thing that he needs to accomplish.  The magical "ninety-in-ninety" in which he goes to ninety meetings in ninety days, is seen as his ticket back to some semblance of the life that he used to have before drug addiction. 

But what happens, just short of 90 days, is he relapses.  It is one of those split second decisions that a non-addict doesn't understand.  He is alone in his own apartment when the thoughts of getting high take over.  In his words, "CALL SOMEONE! I say out loud, but even as I say the words I know it's too late. My mind whizzes with ways to get drugs."  He visits the dealer and doesn't return home for two days.  

The story of his struggle with relapsing is something that is only too familiar to those who know about addiction.  Mr. Clegg struggles to understand why his mind goes "less than a moment between fleeting thought and full-blown fantasy" about using. 

When he finally realizes that there is something beyond his own need and ability, a connection to something greater than his addiction, the reader has been on a roller coaster ride of lies, shame, relapses--the unremitting insanity of addiction.   

I think that these words in the book sum up how Mr. Clegg eventually makes the decision that he is done: "All you had to do was get honest, get sober, and offer help to a few addicts and alcoholics along the way." If you or others that you know have been affected by alcoholism or addiction, this is a book filled with hope.  And it offers a solution that the author found.  

The book is an intense and quick read.  I wanted him to achieve his goal of ninety days.  And every time he hit rock bottom, I was hoping it was the last time.  This is an honest book about addiction.  It chronicles the insanity of the disease and the landscape of recovery:  The repetition of meetings, those who cycle in and out to use again, the slogans, the sponsors, the addicts who are struggling to make their own ninety days stick and to keep going one day after another.   What it may give those of us who aren't addicts is a bit more compassion for those who are sick and suffering. 

"If you are struggling with drugs and alcohol, go to the rooms where alcoholics and addicts go to get and stay sober.  These rooms and the people in them are your best chance.  Listen to them, be honest with them.  Help them--even if you think you have nothing to offer.  Be helped by them.  Depend on them and be depended on.  And if the only thing you can do is show up, do it. Then do it again. And when it's the last thing you want to do and the last place you want to go, go.  Just go. You have no idea who you might be helping just by sitting there or who might help you." ~ Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery

Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery by Bill Clegg

Published by Little, Brown and Company 

Publishing Date: April 10, 2012 

ISBN-10: 0316122521 

ISBN-13: 978-0316122528

A review of the "Codependent No More Workbook"

I was eager to read the latest book, Codependent No more Workbook: Exercises for Learning to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself by noted recovery author Melody Beattie.  Her ground breaking book, Codependent No More, was one that I read and re-read during my first year in Al-Anon.  I realized that my obsession with the alcoholics in my life was causing me a great deal of unhappiness and anxiety.  I was seeking to find out who I really was since my identity for so long had been enmeshed with others and their well being.  I got comfort from knowing that there was a solution to what I was feeling.

I learned from reading Melody Beattie that codependency is an adaptive but sick behavior.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust.  As noted in the Workbook, "Most people with codependency issues feel genuinely unlovable. They attach themselves to people by caretaking, hoping to become indispensable instead." It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous,  or ACOA.

And that is where the Workbook is so helpful.  The 12 steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous and how to work the steps form the "lessons" in the book.  Ms Beattie goes through each of the steps, providing examples of codependent behavior and how to use each step in recovery.  For example, in the lesson on Step One (We admitted we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable), she explains that control is a reaction to loss, that unmanageability doesn't have to define our lives and detachment is a powerful tool in recovery.

For those of us who are in 12 step recovery programs, this book provides a good review of the steps. But what I found most interesting were the numerous activities suggested for each step that will provide additional insight into your own recovery.  As I was reading the Workbook, I could see many opportunities to use the information when working with those I sponsor in Al-Anon.  I thought that the activities were particularly helpful for Step Three (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) which is often a hard step to grasp.  For example, she asks: "Who's creating the plan for your life? Before being exposed to the Third Step, did you think about who had control of your life and will?....Do you believe someone should take care of you because you take care of him or her? Or do you know that you can gently, lovingly, but with discipline when necessary, take care of yourself?"  I think that the activities would be a supplement to those that are provided through Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. 

There were a few points in the book that I questioned.  One was the idea of setting up an appointment to work Step Five (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs) before beginning work on Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves).  The fourth step in Al-Anon takes quite a while.  For me, it took about four months to complete the Al-Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress and to do a fourth step adapted from AA's inventory sheets.  I think that being thorough is important in doing a fourth step, leaving nothing out.

I also found little emphasis on the importance of a sponsor in working the steps.  A mention in the Workbook on whether one would have to pay for a fifth step did not resonate well with me.  Perhaps that is a possibility if the fifth step is done with a therapist, but I had hoped that more emphasis would be placed on the importance of getting a good sponsor who will be more than willing to be a guide through the steps and gladly spend the time to do a thorough fifth step.  Instead, Ms. Beattie mentions that having a program member or sponsor listen to the fifth step could be "dangerous" because the person could relapse or otherwise break confidentiality more readily than a trained professional would.  This seems contradictory to developing trust which is important in recovery.

I found her list of emotions, beliefs, and codependent behaviors to be thorough.  These would be quite useful in considering character defects and harmful behaviors in Step Six (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character).  Although Ms. Beattie recommends immediately doing Steps Six and Seven after the Fifth Step, my experience has shown that an exhaustive Fifth Step requires a time of quiet reflection after completion.  Yes, it is exhilarating but can also be filled with a lot of emotion.  I needed to rest after the several hours that it took for my fifth step. 

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with at times for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I think that a major message from Ms. Beattie's Workbook is that working the steps is the solution.  She writes, "Treatment is good. Going to Twelve Step meetings and enjoying fellowship is helpful too. But I've seen people go to groups and only talk about their problems. If you're looking for long-term change, the kind that comes from the inside out, work the Steps. They're the heart of this program, and they're the work we do. Then when you go to meetings, you can talk about the solutions too."  That is what I believe too. And by focusing on the solutions, I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.


Title: Codependent No More Workbook
Author: Melody Beattie
Pages: 182
Genre: Mental Health, Psychology
Publisher: Hazelden
Pub. Date: April 1, 2011 (2nd ed.)


Follow the rest of the tour for more thoughts:

Monday, April 11th: Guinevere Gets Sober 
Wednesday, April 13th: Take Me Away

Monday, April 18th: I’m Just F.I.N.E.–Recovery In Al-Anon

Thursday, April 28th: Books, Movies, and Chinese Food

Monday, May 2nd: A Room of Mama’s Own

Wednesday, May 4th: Bookshipper