What about speaking at open AA meetings?

Another blogger recently posted about her experience and opinion on sharing at open AA meetings.  I thought that this was a great topic because many Al-Anon's do attend open meetings and sometimes aren't sure what to expect or to do.  So I thought that I would give some of my thoughts here.

I have attended open AA meetings since I began Al-Anon.  I was encouraged by my sponsor to go to open meetings to hear the stories of alcoholics and to better understand the disease.  These open meetings remind me that hope never dies; that sobriety is possible; and that in many ways, we share the same fears. And every single speaker I hear says they wanted recovery for themselves, not because they were being nagged by a family member.

The two programs were closely allied in their origins and are naturally drawn together by their family ties. Yet the Twelve Traditions emphasize that each works more effectively if it remains separate. Thus, there can be no combining, joining, or uniting which would result in the loss of identity of either fellowship. Separateness rules out affiliation or merging, but it does not exclude cooperation with AA or acting together for mutual benefit. And I totally agree that there are so many mutual benefits gained by going to open meetings.

Some of the open AA meetings I attend are speaker meetings where I get to hear someone's "story" of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.  The first open AA meeting I attended was a speaker meeting.  I was so moved by what I heard that I developed a great awe for the miracles that can occur in recovery.  I was moved in that meeting to tears.  There was no blaming of the family, just a focus on their recovery through the steps.  I realized then the power of those steps because if they could help someone who was in such dire circumstances with alcoholism, then they surely could help me.

I also go to an open Big Book study and some open discussion meetings when I can.  I will say my name and state that I'm there to listen.  I learned from going to those meetings that I don't share at open AA meetings because of AA's primary purpose which is for alcoholics to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  I can't do that from my non-alcoholic perspective.  It would be equally inappropriate for an alcoholic who isn't affected by someone else's drinking to share at an Al-Anon meeting. Or for a friend, who is along to just lend moral support, to share.

I have been asked to share a few times. The most memorable for me occurred during my first year in Al-Anon.  I was out of town at a work conference.  I was having a tough time--I was away from home, screwed up in the head, and an  unmanageable mess.  I couldn't find an Al-Anon meeting to attend, so I went to an open AA meeting within walking distance of the hotel.

I walked into that mid-day meeting and introduced myself to an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair. I told him that I was in Al-Anon but needed to be at a meeting.  I think he could tell that I was a mess.   He asked me to chair the meeting which I declined because I told him that I was Al-Anon.   He then told me that it would be okay and would help the other alcoholics.  I felt unsure about this,  but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it.  God knows, I needed to be at that meeting. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So I read How It Works and then he asked me to tell my story.  So I gave about a 15 minute share about what I was feeling and how I had gotten into Al-Anon for help in my own recovery. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak.  He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended.  These people made me feel welcome.  I left that meeting with a sense of well-being that put me at peace.  My sharing may not have been the best thing for a beginner in Al-Anon to do, but I appreciate that the elderly man in the wheelchair recognized a fellow lost soul and reached out to help.

I have also been asked to share at conventions and round-ups.  But in general, unless I am asked, I don't share. I am mindful of Tradition 3 in AA which states the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I'm not a member.  And I need to allow those who are members their time to share.

I find that the same logic applied in Al-Anon where I hear people say, "Please share from the Al-Anon perspective only".  I take that as meaning at Al-Anon meetings, even if one is an addict/alcoholic or in other programs, they should speak as an Al-Anon person (not as an alcoholic/addict). I do have a great deal of respect for the primary purpose of 12 step meetings.  Here is the position of Al-Anon about attending AA meetings.

I don't forget the kindness I have been shown by the AA fellowship at their meetings.  I know that I am welcome.

Thoughts on the movie Bill W.

We went to see the movie "Bill W." yesterday.  I had heard that it was good. Many of the local AA and Al-Anon groups were going to see it.  So we went on a date to the movies.

I have to say that the talking and munching of popcorn stopped when the movie started.  No one made a sound during the entire movie.  It was enthralling for me.  I had read some biographies on Bill and Lois but to hear his voice and to see so many archived photos of him was truly wonderful.

The movie started by someone saying “Bill Wilson was a stinking, rotten drunk.” And the story of how he became that drunk and went on to start AA is played out on the screen with some re-enactments but mostly through onscreen interviews with A.A. historians and authors, with current members whose faces are filmed in shadow to preserve anonymity, and through the words of Bill himself.  Then there are the poignant typed excerpts from letters written by Wilson and from his wife Lois' diary.

I have to say that seeing the steps scroll past in the film and hearing about how AA was about to fall apart when Bill wrote the twelve traditions was really moving for me. I love the traditions and wish that more people understood just how important they are in keeping meetings and relationships alive.  I thought that his own personal struggles with depression when he felt trapped as the "deity" of AA was another part of the film that I found particularly sad.

He isn't put on a pedestal in the film.  His use of LSD and marital infidelity is discussed. And his explanation that he is just an ordinary man with character defects brought home the enormous pressure that he must have been under to get AA going, keep it going,  and to not be deified by the organization. On his deathbed, he asked for liquor.  He tried to make Lois feel guilty for not giving it to him.  His asking for booze at the end of his life was explained by his not being in his right mind. At the same time, another says alcoholism is "cunning, baffling and powerful".

At the end of the movie, there are facts that scroll down the page: 30 million copies of the book Alcoholics Anonymous that have been sold, there are 2 million members in 170 countries, and about 60 recovery programs that use the 12-step approach. Powerful stuff.

“He piloted this course out of the very deep woods that alcoholism is,” one recovering alcoholic says in the film.  So very true.

More than one way....

As usual, The Walking Man made a thought provoking comment on my last post.  Here is some of what he said:
I tried the AA way and what I found in every single meeting I ever went to was a clique that if you hadn't been a part of it for a few years at least, you were ignored, no one came up to me and told me about the "how this thing of ours works." Maybe I wasn't wearing the right clothes or didn't know the secret handshake. So I personally have no respect for AA but I do not condemn it either because for some it is their religion. their way to salvation. 

I can't address the cliques in AA, but would like to write about whether recovery programs like AA and Al-Anon are the only way.   For some, like me, Al-Anon is a salvation.  I tried therapy, and it didn't bring home the message to me like Al-Anon has. Yet, I do recognize that there are other ways to deal with alcoholism.

Sometimes there is confusion expressed in meetings about not drinking versus recovery. These are two separate issues for me.  Being sober is but a step in managing the disease.  It stops the physical deterioration that alcoholism brings. Sobriety in and of itself is a huge step, but the disease is in the thinking and actions of the alcoholic and those of us who are around them.  There are those that I know who go to meetings and have 20 + years sober, yet the diseased thinking and "isms" are still there.

What is equally important is learning a new way of living and thinking.  That is what I believe the 12 step recovery programs provide. Al-Anon is working for me because I wanted to change my behavior: the anger, the fear, the judging, the nagging.  I did not feel happy but desperately wanted to change. Until a person is ready for that, I don't think that change will happen.

I believe that AA and the Big Book state that if you can find another way,  then that's fine.  But for those who are "beyond human aid",  then going "cold turkey", toughing it out, and having a will of steel to make it so may not be enough.  The spiritual solution is what many have found to be the solution for them.

Even though I am not in AA, I have been to enough open meetings to hear that many have tried all kinds of ways to stop the disease: religion, family, relationships, sex, drugs, etc.  But what I hear in meetings is that it wasn't until they reached that utter surrender to a deathly bottom did they finally give in and give up to the God of their understanding.  At that time, they were willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety, serenity and sanity.

It is a cunning, baffling and powerful thing. And maybe for those who are spiritually sick,  12 step recovery programs such as AA and Al-Anon are a starting point to address the low self-esteem, behavioral and coping problems that alcoholism brings.  No matter what, I believe that the individual has to give in to the process whether it is Al-Anon, AA  or "Sober Valley Lodge".  If something works to bring about the peace and serenity in your life, then stick with it. 

I think that a great part of 12 step recovery is helping others.  By doing so,  I help myself.  What is of most importance is that if works for the one person choosing to work it for one day at a time with one reason in mind, then that is incredible. 

For me, Al-Anon has helped me to find friends,  have a bigger "family",  get acceptance, understand humility, lose fear, and share experience, strength and hope.   I have not received this from any other entity that I have been involved in before or since coming into recovery myself. 

For sure, there are other programs that work. There are other ways that work. When I think about how many people are affected by alcoholism, it is staggering. I have heard that for every one alcoholic, there are 10 who are affected by the disease.  Where are these people?  Maybe they are toughing it out like I did for decades. Maybe they have found a solution in couches and pills some of which will point a hurting person into the doors of AA and Al-Anon and some that will just give the pain another appointment and another bill.  Maybe they write, paint, exercise, cook or have some other passion that is fulfilling.  It is our choice to investigate and discern what is right for each of us.

Each person has to find a path to recovery.  To say that it's the AA way or nothing, or the Al-Anon way or nothing is unfair.   I remain open minded about opinions here.  I do have my own but defend the right of others to express theirs.  Thus, I don't condemn or put down others who choose a different way.  All I can do is share what has worked for me. We all wander in this life. All I am doing is shining a little bit of light that I have. If it helps, I am glad.

Attraction not promotion

I read some good posts today (Thanks Mary Christine and Ed!) that mentioned among other things, the amount of misinformation and negativism that occurs about 12 step programs, especially AA, on the internet.

I think that the internet has a lot of resources about recovery. It is up to the discerning reader to "take what they like and leave the rest". Although much of the criticism about 12 step programs is leveled at AA and how cult-like it is, I even found quite a few sites claiming that Al-Anon was a cult.

Some of the points made are that:
1) Al-Anon is anti family--The "family disease" concept is described as blaming parents and other alcoholics in our lives for our problems. Those in Al-Anon are purported to seek perpetrators who "abused" and caused much suffering in our lives.

2) The entire family must become involved in Al-Anon--The alcoholic won't be understood unless the family attends enough meetings and submits to the program. Al-Anon uses the disease concept as a lever to keep you coming back to meetings, and to make loyal members of your family.

3) Al-Anon perpetuates that the alcoholic is sick--The family will not be able to understand the alcoholic unless they also accept the addictive disease concept and become involved in a 12-step program such as Al-Anon. After attending Al-Anon, a person will regard the alcoholic as sick which will create mistrust and emotional distance between you and the loved one.

4) Al-Anon replaces family bonds with cult ties, defining the relationships between family members in clinical and cult terms. Families often break apart on account of AA cult loyalties.

I seriously wondered after reading some of this "information" whether any of the people who wrote about the cult concept ever a) attended several Al-Anon meetings or b) listened to anything that was said. I did happen upon this interesting published Al-Anon article by an anthropologist that gave a different view point.

Because I do believe that people have a right to their own opinions (I don't have to agree with what they say), I won't attempt to dissuade anyone from their beliefs. In fact, I'm not interested in promoting Al-Anon to a person who doesn't want it. But I did want it.

When I went to my first meeting, I could tell that it was something that I desperately wanted. I got a sponsor, listened to the experiences of others, and gradually began to incorporate the Al-Anon principles as a way of life. I learned about courage, strength, validation, understanding, experience and calm serenity from Al-Anon. I stopped worrying about what the alcoholic did, got away from obsessing and nagging her, and started to focus on my own well being.

And yet, the behavioral patterns and emotional wounds still crop up which is why I continue to go to meetings and work with others. I think that this program teaches a life lesson. I have learned how alcoholism affected me, why I let it, how I can learn to not allow it to affect new relationships, and how to relearn healthy relationships with people already in my life.

Through Al-Anon, I have learned patience, kindness, support and validation for me and for my wife who is alcoholic. It has taken time for me to learn about myself and to work on my character defects. I think that open mindedness is such a great thing. Given time and willingness to be open, a new perspective on life can evolve.

My recovery includes what I glean from 12-Step recovery in Al-Anon, combined with other sources of experience, strength, and hope. What I do is for my benefit. Recovery isn't dictated to me by another. I am free to take what I can use and leave the rest. I can honor my individuality. Those who are uncomfortable with my chosen path can deal with their own discomfort, for the lesson of tolerance and judgment is one that they must discover for themselves.

The ladder to achievement

100%------------I Did

90%-----------I Will

80%----------I Can

70%---------I Think I Can

60%--------I Might

50%-------I Think I Might

40%------What Is It?

30%----I Wish I could

20%---I Don't Know How

10%--I Can't

0%-I Won't

"Success is to be measured, not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

I enjoyed giving the talk last night. The place where I spoke has 33,000 acres of forests and wetlands with only 2,200 homes. The architecture was incredible. I was treated to a fabulous dinner after the talk. It was a nice way to end a beautiful day.

Today I took down the mast of the sailboat and will be trailering it to bring home for bottom cleaning and repainting with antifouling paint. It's a good time to do some maintenance now that the weather is cooler and the fouling organisms aren't settling as rapidly.

I don't like to think in terms of things that I can't do because what that usually means is that I won't do those things. I like to think in terms of action. And the action that I find most helpful today is practicing the 12 steps, doing my best to do God's will, and practicing gratitude for what is in my life.

Feelings

I wanted to share with you some information from an Al-Anon workshop on the three F's: Feelings, Fears, and Freedom. I'm going to spread this out over three weeks, posting the information on Saturday. I found the information helpful in getting past a lot of negative feelings, especially for those who are fairly new to the program.

1. Before Al-Anon, I soothed my deeply hurt feelings in luxurious baths of self-pity; indulged in hot anger, violent reproach, neurotic frustrations; and retreated to avoid embarrassment, shame and to escape feelings of guilt.

2.Pain is a necessary part of the program. Through suffering, if I accept it for the good it is meant to be, I can grow, can achieve an understanding that success is not just in material things, in living a pleasant happy life but in overcoming defects of character, in suppressing my selfishness and in having compassion for others. Pain is the price I pay for a deeper understanding, a richer more meaningful life.

3. Self-Pity and Resentment: I fooled myself when I didn't face up to these two character defects. To soothe my bruised ego, I stayed in situations because I was concerned about the alcoholic loved one, and because I wasn't sure where to go. I have worked on changing these two feelings with courage and detachment and the help of the program by daily practice of the principles in all our affairs.

4, Rejection and fear of rejection: These feelings make me feel anger. If she didn't love me enough to quit drinking, then I would show her that it didn't matter anymore; I would simply reject her from the important parts of our life. Then I added two more feelings to these - guilt and revenge. I came to accept through this program that that drinking is not a deliberate reflection of indifference and has nothing to do with love. I could then become free of the rejection, guilt and anger that I've felt for so long. I'm still working on this one as rejection goes back a long way for me.

5. Reassurance: A suffering Al-Anon member will respond to simple acts of kindness given with love and understanding, but remember, the new member needs constant reassurance. When the road way becomes tough, encourage them to dig deeper in the program. Each of us can learn to live peacefully with troublesome problems.

6. Resentment: A feeling becomes a resentment by reliving it. It isn't what happens that counts, but what I choose to do about it. Allowing things to affect me unduly and harping on something over and over means that I am fostering a resentment. I am allowing a pinprick to become a stab in the heart.

7. How do I resolve a resentment? I need to realize what the resentment is and accept my responsibility for my share in it and then make amends. I want to build relationships. Carrying the grudge or hurt will destroy it. I need to train myself to live each day as a new beginning and to not burden myself with yesterday's problems.

8. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I need faith and hope to endure life's hazards. Giving in to constant doubt kills faith and hope.

9.Best of all possible gifts is a tranquil mind. I can sort out the things I can't change. By working the program, I seek to accept those things and not rebel against them. I learn to change what I can. Whether or not I caused my own turmoil, only I can give myself a tranquil mind and an accepting heart.

10. Meditate and count my blessings - forget the failings - dwell only on what I have that's good.

11. I can picture mountains of resentments overgrown by the green of envy; valleys of despair; roadways that are strewn with self-pity and ill-will. (Sound familiar?) But with a Higher Power, I travel a road where I learn to level those mountains of resentment with straight thinking; fill my valleys of despair with hope; say the Serenity Prayer and change rebellion to acceptance. The best way to help myself it to help others - I forget my own hurt when I am working with others.

12. Anger: I used to blast back in anger when someone offended me. I've learned to recite the Serenity Prayer often during these moments and slogans such as: Think, Easy Does it, and Live and Let Live. Thee will help to put me back on the sane road. To rid myself of resentment and self-pity, I clean house mentally and spiritually. Daily cleaning frees me from the build-up to trash, grime and dinginess that often leads to anger and resentment. For this I use the broom that never wears out - the 12 steps and our program of daily living.

13.Sharing - I can't give another person hope and serenity by mouthing slogans and principles, but by giving of myself, sharing my experiences, strength and hope; by caring about the other person enough to truly give with love. This is how I received the message myself.

14. Learn to laugh at feelings and fears, Learn patience made up of faith, hope, love and courage. Without these ingredients in my life, I can not contemplate tomorrow. Without love, man wouldn't be bothered with anything but himself. I don't need to dwell on bitter disappointments; instead, I can concentrate on who and what helped me. I prefer to remember kindnesses rather than dwell on hurts. I have learned to listen with an open mind, and am learning to live with serenity and confidence.

Steps to a new life

I found the following in some papers that I had from a meeting and thought that it was really a good summary of the Twelve Steps.

It feels good (First Step) to get honest about yourself, to admit to yourself what has been objectively totally obvious for a long time to anyone and everyone but yourself: that your life is unmanageable and you have been affected by someone else's drinking. Yes, it feels better to finally acknowledge that, rather than to keep on pretending otherwise.

And then (Second Step) it feels good, by fiat and out thin air, to start telling yourself that by reaching out and asking for help and by availing yourself of resources (call them powers, or even a Higher Power if you will) outside of yourself, you might actually get to the point where you have a decent life and stop hating who you are and learn to appreciate being alive.

And then, what the hell, it feels pretty darn good to (Third Step, and the one that few of us truly figure out how to do) abandon all your fears and worries, and for no good reason simply begin to trust that everything is going to be alright because that is the total opposite of what you’ve been doing for as long as you can remember and look where that got you. So you search inside yourself for some basis of feeling that things are going to be OK, and you begin to let go of your chronic and acute anxiety. You learn to trust. And to that end, you fashion some conception, any conception, of a "Higher Power" you can trust in and seek guidance from (which for purposes of convenience and because ultimately it feels silly to do otherwise you end up calling "God").

Getting back to that honesty thing again, even though it is enormously frightening and difficult to do so, it ultimately feels truly fantastic to (in the Fourth and Fifth Steps) take a long hard look at what you are as a human being, and to identify the many aspects of your personality and mentality that have played a causative role in producing so much of your unhappiness, and seeing how you could begin to respond to the situations you find yourself in in a different way, a way that is consistent with taking responsibility for who you are and how you are going to experience life, and to go through all this with another person.

And then (in the Sixth and Seventh Steps) there’s humility, and recognizing that as much as you want and need to change and grow out of and away from the very unhealthy propensities of personality you’ve identified, you’re never going to be able to completely do so and certainly not on the basis of your own individual resources.

Followed by (in the Eighth and Ninth Steps) facing up to the harm you’ve caused others, and acknowledging those wrongs to the people you’ve harmed.

And then (Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Steps) maintaining that honesty, hope, trust, responsibility, humility, and reliance on a "power" other than yourself while seeking to be helpful, kind, loving and tolerant of others for the rest of your life.

Are the steps the only way?

I enjoyed hosting the chat last night. There were quite a few bloggers on there. Thanks for stopping by. I enjoyed it.

One of the most interesting questions that came up for me was whether the steps were the only way.

I immediately thought "Yes". But then I realized that I needed to qualify that by saying, "Yes, for me they are a proven way." But the steps may not be the only way for others.

So I went back to the source. The Big Book states, "Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery.."
And further reading revealed that "It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism." (Bill W. in "A.A. Comes of Age", page 232.). Bill W. repeatedly said that "our hats are off to you if you can find a better way" and "If [those seeking a different cure] can do better by other means, we are glad." (Bill W. in Concept XII).

For me as an Al-Anon member, the 12 steps are a guideline for change. I took these steps and found a process to focus on myself, seek the help of others, clean up the problems in my life, and share the process with others. These steps are not the only way that people can change, but the key to recovery is change.

Many people resist any kind of change. They don't want to do the work, or they think it will be too painful. Trying to quit an addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, or other people, without replacing that addiction with healthier things doesn't work. The active addiction masks and covers up the underlying problems. Without the mask, the problems become glaring and painful. There are not many choices when anyone gets to that point. They can live with the problems (pain), begin to change the problems(recovery), or go back to masking the problems (addiction).

Each person must make the choice about how they are going to deal with this. I needed a guideline for change. I'd been to therapists, but it wasn't until doing the 12 steps that I started to move into recovery.

I didn't want to live with the pain anymore. So the pain of changing became less than the pain of remaining in my problems. And from what I've heard in meetings, those who work the steps find that something wonderful and remarkable occurs. I found that I could overcome hopelessness, despair, dishonesty, loneliness, anger, resentment, fear, impatience, arrogance, intolerance, and a host of other defects that gave rise to great suffering.

So the 12 steps were a way for me to undergo cognitive restructuring. I'm sure that working the steps won't succeed in every individual. But by doing the Steps, I took myself through a new way of thinking, feeling, seeing and acting. And in doing so, I found aspects of myself that had been hidden and that were much more vital than I had known before.

I don’t know of any better alternative for me. May you find your own way.

Al-Anon closing

I've always liked the Al-Anon closing statement. But this part of it I have found particularly moving:

"A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long: Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

These lines told me what I needed to hear most: that I was not alone, that you have been where I am, and that no matter how bad things may seem, there is Hope for the future.

The closing offers a great promise that if I take away the walls that I had erected between myself and others in the program through denial then I will move towards recovery. At the time I started the program, I knew that I needed help but I didn't realize how much I wanted recovery. I had to learn to let down my wall of shame about myself and my relationship with the alcoholics in my life.

The words of the closing and the promise offered is still true today. I've learned by listening to the recovering stories of others I have met along the way and by taking advantage of talking to others and to my HP in order to get a clearer view of my situation. This has helped me to avoid avoidable mistakes, slips and pitfalls by shining someone else's light on my blind spot. I may not always like what I hear, but by doing this I am reinforcing the notion that I am not alone with my problems.

In keeping an open mind, I've had to examine my motives and attitudes. Here are a few questions that I have to consider:

Am I motivated by a desire to help myself and others in this, or am I more interested in swaying someone else to my way of thinking?

Am I listening to the perspectives of the group or my sponsor and actually considering them, or am I awaiting the next opportunity to share my own thoughts?

Am I truly placing the principles being discussed above the personalities involved?

If my answer to any of these questions is a no, then I'm probably not keeping an open mind. If I get over myself and remember: "Keep an open mind, and you will find help," and "Take what you like and leave the rest" then I'm going to find what I need.

On the mend

Finally, I'm starting to feel better. It's the first night that I haven't sneezed or coughed. And I can actually breathe through my nose. I still don't have much energy but I know that I'm on the mend.

I missed last night's meeting in which I had the topic. I called another group attendee and asked him if he wanted to use the topic that I was going to provide or perhaps one of his own. The topic that I had thought of was "Why aren't we ready to give up our character defects?"

I know that my numerous character defects were those that I used to protect me and to make people like me. They were things that I developed at an early age and learned in order to "survive" a childhood in which I felt criticized and not good enough.

What appeared to work as a child hasn't served me well as an adult though. I can think of things that I said or did in my adult relationships that clearly indicate I was still thinking like a child. I was holding on for dear life to those old survival tactics that appeared to get me through.

Giving up the character defects is difficult because my ego thinks it can't survive without them. I have to learn an entirely new way of feeling. It makes so much sense in the context of reading A New Earth. The fear, vulnerability and feelings of loss that occur when the ego is no longer in control won't kill me. I'll still be alive and can actually move towards a new existence.

I'm learning that life doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it. I have all the tools available through the 12 steps to have peace and serenity.

Shadow asked....

Shadow asked whether Al-Anon cautions against alcoholism and becoming an alcoholic as part of its program of recovery. My answer would be that the focus in Al-Anon is on recovering from the effects of someone else's alcoholism whether it is in a friend or family member. The focus is on sharing our experiences of dealing with alcoholism in our lives, how we got better and what steps we are taking to achieve serenity.

There are many recovering alcoholics who come into Al-Anon and find their serenity in its program. Likewise I am sure that there are Al-Anons who make it to the rooms of AA. But both programs practice the 12 steps and Al-Anon's twelve steps are based on those from AA. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone who has worked the steps in Al-Anon and achieved some manner of recovery would want to jump into the fire by becoming an alcoholic. But strange things happen and "never" is a God word.

Finally Friday

So glad that it's Friday, and I'm looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I was going to a meeting but decided to go look for a guitar to purchase. I like music and especially like blues. I don't know whether I have an ear for music but decided that I would give a try to learning to play the guitar. I found some nice ones at the shop I visited tonight and will look at others tomorrow after the GR meeting in the morning.

Thanks to all who wrote about my wife. She is doing well and has gotten over the anesthesia and sore throat from the endoscopy procedure. No results are back yet on the biopsy. She is cheerful and positive which is quite a different reaction from her days before AA. It's remarkable how both of us are better able to deal with what comes along as the result of our programs.

Hoping that each of you has a good weekend.

In order to keep it, you have to give it away

On Tuesday, I got a call from the guy that I had taken to an AA meeting the week before. He is a coke addict without an addiction to alcohol. He picked up a one day chip at last week’s meeting. Since I was going to an Al-Anon meeting, I took him along to the AA meeting that is in the same complex. Yesterday, he called again and wanted to go to the closed AA meeting on the other side of town. I was working out downtown so I picked him up and took him to the meeting. Because it was a closed meeting, I didn’t go in as I had last week. I think that a closed meeting sets a boundary that I’m not going to breach anymore. Instead, I sat in the car, looked at the water, and thought about something my sponsor had told me earlier. It’s one of the fundamental principles of AA and Al-Anon: "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."

I would have liked to be home, reading the newspaper, and going to bed early rather than sitting in a parking lot at nearly 9 PM. But I also thought that if my getting this newcomer to a meeting or two would help, then an inconvenience to me was pretty minor. After the meeting, he and I talked about how things were going. He hasn’t used and said that he was feeling really calm and happy. He talked to people at the meeting about getting a sponsor. I felt that he was beginning to feel welcomed and accepted by the group.

So as I was driving home, I thought about the seeds that had been planted. I also thought about the fact that the best people for this young man to relate to will be fellow addicts and alcoholics. I think about the story of Bill W. who tried repeatedly to stop drinking, but could never abstain for more than a week or two. Desperate to achieve some success, Bill decided that he would stop trying to quit himself, and instead focus all of his energies on his friends. If he couldn't achieve sobriety, at least he could help his friends abstain from drinking. After six months of intense effort, he was in despair because not a single one of his friends has managed to stay sober. He thought that he had failed but his wife reminded him that even though none of his friends had managed to quit drinking, he had not had a drink in six months. Therein lies the wonder of the twelve-step program and how it helps those willing to find new meaning in life, a meaning that transcends their own needs.

I think that I’ve given away something but kept something far more valuable by helping this newcomer. He now has the information that he needs, phone numbers, contacts, and literature to move forward. The AA fellowship can now take over. It’s time for me to focus back on myself and my recovery. There is no advice that I can give this newcomer that will be half as meaningful as the advice that comes from other addicts and alcoholics. I’m glad that I helped out because it made me feel good, and it got a person who needed help to the place where help and hope abounds.

The whole world needs a 12 step program

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally "get it" about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I'm actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else's fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their head or fist while I shift. It's as if they are already having a bad day and it's only 8 AM.

My friend D. has an old car but it has a good engine. He's a gear head and can put a car engine together just for fun. I know that he used to drive fast and be a hell-raiser before he decided that he would rather live than die from alcohol at 28. When we're driving in his car on a street and someone is tail gating him, he'll say, "Well, I think I'll give Mr. SUV some room and let him pass on by. He's obviously in too big a hurry to enjoy the day." Then, he'll pull over to the side of the road. D. has that live and let live philosophy from being in AA for many years.

What I think is that the world needs to be in a 12 step program. I can't think of many people that I know who wouldn't benefit from a little of the Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, First Things First, and How Important Is It philosophy. When someone at work starts taking themselves too seriously, I think "How important is it?". When someone starts going off on another person, I think, " Easy does it". When I have a bunch of choices to make about the things that I'm asked to commit to, I think "First Things First". And when I see someone making an ass of themselves at a social function, I think, "Live and let live".

There aren't many times in a day that the teachings of Al-Anon and AA don't pop into my head. They provide a means by which I now live my life. I've been to church and read the Bible but nothing has touched me as much as reading the BB and the Al-Anon literature. There's such a sense of peace that I get from meetings. It would be great if all those people who are rushing about to get nowhere would be infused with some of the 12 step ideology.