Tweak

I read Tweak, the book by Nic Sheff about taking meth. And after reading it, all that I could think was that I am grateful that I don't have a child who went through what Nic did. It was a tough book in many ways. I think that if I had a child out there who was using, it would be a hard book to read.

This wasn't a kid who was evil or who had no feelings. He was a kid who loved his family, cared about the people in his life, but the drug had such a hold on him that he was willing to do just about anything to keep using. His cycles of using and recovery made me realize what a hold this drug has on people.

Drugs weren't glorified in this book. Instead, the horrors of addiction came through loud and clear. I am hoping that Nic stays clean. He knows how to work a program of recovery which was talked about quite a bit in the book. The main thing that I took from this book is that those thinking about using drugs will read about a life on drugs that is as close to hell as one can get.

PS: I did read David Sheff's book A Beautiful Boy first which was from the father's perspective. It was also a good read.

Parents and children

There's been a lot of pain in meetings and in the blogs about having addicted children. At a meeting today, a mother expressed her sorrow and helplessness over having a son who is squandering his life. She said that he came home with clothes all wet and was hallucinating, telling her of the strange things that he was seeing climbing the draperies and floating through the air. She called EMS who came and got him. But there were no beds available at the hospitals so he was released still high and hallucinating.

Her question was what can she do? She wants to help him but feels that she is losing who she is. The group discussed how powerless we are over others. And that losing ourselves in order to try to save someone else who is lost means that two people are then lost.

Perhaps all we can do is love the other person, tell them we love them, and want them to get help. We then take care of ourselves so that we don't lose our health, our spirituality and our minds. If someone is an adult, there isn't much else that can be done. We can offer a lot of prayers for the sick and suffering to seek their HP and have God hold them in his hands. There are a lot of people out there who need those prayers today.

The Heroin Diaries

I tried to read the Heroin Diaries which is a book by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. The book recounts a dark year in the life of the Motley Crue bandleader/bassist.

Sixx has promoted the book in a diary format with the idea that it will help others to avoid the hell that he went through. I found the book contrived and disturbing. Contrived because it seems that the entries were made "after the fact" and were done as a type of remembrance of those dark days. Regardless of that, it still seemed that there is glamorization of his drug abuse and the depravity of his lifestyle.

I got through about 30 pages and had to stop reading it. It seemed to repeat the same sex, drugs and rock and roll theme over and over. I found the whole scene to be too much. Maybe it's because it was written by Sixx when he was still using (or maybe not). I was hoping the diary entries would be followed by recovery and coping but it was only about how messed up he was. I guess that I was looking for solutions and not a day by day shoot up party. It reminded me of a very long-winded drunkalog that has no recovery included. After a while, I just feel sick and have heard enough. I'm going to read Tweak next. Maybe I'll be able to get through it.

Problems other than alcohol

Last night, I took a friend to an AA meeting. To protect the friend, let's just say that he has had a drug problem for years but isn't alcoholic. It was a closed AA meeting so before making definite plans, I called the local AA Intergroup to see if this was going to be okay. They assured me that it would be. I've heard conflicting stories about addicts going to AA meetings. One only has to read the AA approved Problems Other Than Alcohol to realize that Bill W. didn't envision AA to embrace the addict.

"Our first duty, as a society, is to insure
our own survival. Therefore, we have to avoid distractions
and multipurpose activity. An A.A.
group, as such, cannot take on all the personal
problems of its members, let alone the problems
of the whole world.
Sobriety — freedom from alcohol — through
the teaching and practice of the Twelve Steps is
the sole purpose of an A.A. group. Groups have
repeatedly tried other activities, and they have
always failed. It has also been learned that there is
no possible way to make nonalcoholics into A.A.
members. We have to confine our membership to
alcoholics, and we have to confine our A.A.
groups to a single purpose. If we don’t stick to
these principles, we shall almost surely collapse.
And if we collapse, we cannot help anyone."

From "Problems Other than Alcohol" P-35

So I was in a dilemma. Here was a young person who needed to get to a meeting, yet there are few NA meetings in the area. So I did what my I thought was right, no doubt guided by my HP, and took him to the meeting. I talked to the chair of the meeting, explained the situation, and then let my friend talk to the chair. It worked out great, he was embraced by the AA attendees, picked up a white chip, and was overwhelmed by the welcome. People offered names and phone numbers and spoke during sharing directly to this newcomer. It was a good meeting and a very positive experience.

Yet, there still appears to be some old timers who frown on addicts coming into AA. In fact, a long-time AA friend of mine has expressed his concern about this to me several times. I did some additional reading and found that before NA began, AA was in turmoil over how to treat people addicted to drugs other than alcohol. A key factor in AA's strength has been its single-minded focus on doing one thing and doing it well--carrying the message of recovery to alcoholics. In general, one drunk can empathize with another in a way that no other person can.

When Bill W. co-founded AA, there wasn't the problem with drugs that now exists. But as addicts began wanting to come to AA meetings, some in AA feared that the very heart of AA would be weakened. The dilemma put lives at stake. On the one hand, many types of addicts begged for admission into AA meetings. On the other hand, AA's Step One called for members to admit their powerlessness over a single drug--alcohol. Rewording that step to include every conceivable kind of drug was impractical. Yet, turning dying addicts away was no solution either. Some AA groups are rigid about participants. Official AA policy states that drug addicts are welcome at open AA meetings, but not at closed meetings. However, many closed AA groups do accept people "purely on drugs," and addicts cross-addicted to alcohol and another drug are always welcome.

I thought that this article would be helpful in laying out the concerns of both sides. The article has an interesting perspective.

I guess I have no right to an opinion since I'm Al-Anon. However, I've never let protocol stop my opinions before so here's my scoop. I can see the reasoning of old timers in AA that idenity and purpose of the program could be compromised by large numbers of addicts. However, it is undeniable that drugs are a major issue. With the number of NA meetings being lower than that of AA meetings, I think that it is okay for addicts to attend AA meetings regardless of whether they are open or closed. Perhaps at the closed meeting, it would be best for the addict to simply listen. I'm a live and let live person so in my mind, if someone can gain something from attending meetings, then I'm all for it.

Working with others

There is a chapter in the Big Book of AA that addresses working with those who drink, basically with the idea of practicing the Twelfth Step. From reading this chapter, I've thought about some of the co-dependence issues that face spouses and parents of the alcoholic or addict.

What the BB says is that we don't waste time trying to persuade people to stop their destructive behavior if they don't want to stop. This is where detachment with love is necessary. We have to practice our Step One in Al-Anon to realize that we are powerless and that no amount of pleading, manipulating, or insanity on our part can cure the person who is deciding to drink or take drugs.

What the BB instead says is that when the binge ends or a lucid interval occurs, a family member, sponsor or friend needs to ask the individual if they want to quit for good and if they would go to any extreme to do so. If the answer is yes, then the individual should talk to someone who has recovered and who is trying to help others, as part of their own recovery.

This seems like such good advice because it won't work if we force ourselves and our pleadings on another. It hasn't worked before or in as many times as we've tried it. If the individual who has the problem doesn't want to stop, then nothing we can say or do will make the individual stop. It seems that we all need to recall these things when there is a slip or we are dealing with people we love who can't seem to quit. They probably haven't gotten to the bottom yet or realized the seriousness of what they are doing.

Similarly, in Al-Anon, we have to be beaten down by the disease to such a point that we are ready to admit our powerlessness and to turn things over to our HP. If we are still thinking that we can "fix" things, then we aren't ready to make the changes necessary to take care of ourselves.

Meeting topic: Step Two

I was at a meeting last night where there were parents whose children are either alcoholics or drug addicts. Last week at the Tuesday meeting, I listened to the parents who had such hope before and during the holidays, cry out in dispair because their children had slipped and gone back to drugs or alcohol. It is hard for me to imagine the difficulty that these parents face in detaching from their child and admitting their powerlessness. One parent indicated last night that he had decided to file a warrant because his adult child has stolen from him. He said that it was an agonizing decision but one that he had to do in order to quit enabling the addict. Another parent is dealing with a daughter who blames him for the mother's alcoholism. And yet another mother is in pain because her daughter is an addict who manipulates for money. Each person indicated that they had to look to a Higher Power to help them through the pain. It was good that the topic was Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My willingness to believe came on very slowly but when it came, it was as an epiphany. The night before my father suddenly died, I felt a strong need to be with my parents so I got up out of bed, dressed, and drove to their house. I talked with my dad for over an hour before he told me to go home and that he would be fine. He also told me to take care of my SO because there was a lot of goodness there. The next morning he died due to sudden death from cardiac failure complicated by pulmonary disease. I always felt guilty that I hadn't recognized something that evening and taken him to the hospital or perhaps if I had only spent the night there, I could have saved him. This guilt stayed with me for years and I really didn't see it as a positive sign that my HP had called me to be with my dad. I just thought about what I could have done had I recognized the signs of severe illness.

However, on the day that my mother died, the same thing happened. I was talking to a friend who had come by to visit when an anxiety hit me of such intensity that I knew that I had to go see my mother. I told my friend that I needed to leave right then. I drove to the nursing center and walked in as the staff was doing a code blue on my mother. I don't know if she knew that I was there but at least I was able to touch her and ride in the ambulance to the hospital where she was eventually pronounced dead. She had just told the staff that morning that she was in my kitchen, an indication that she was likely already "traveling" on and letting go of this life. She had told me the day before that she had been out dancing with my father so I knew in my heart that she was preparing to leave. I also knew that there was a Higher Power working to bring me to my parents before they died.

About two weeks after my mother's death, I was in the yard in the early morning and a beautiful luna moth flew to cling to a fence where I was standing. The moth gently opened and closed it's wings. The luna moth was my mother's favorite so I knew then that this was a sign of her presence and a way to comfort me. After a few minutes, the moth flew away. I felt so much of my grief lift at that moment, and I felt happy knowing that my mother was free of her earthly cares and troubles. I too was free and comforted by knowing that my HP had given me a great gift by guiding me to be with my parents before they died and by letting me know that all was okay with them. Thus, I came to believe.....