Christmas greetings to you

Downtown fountain lit for Christmas.

Happy eve of Christmas eve to all of you.  It seems like Christmas with decorations and sparkling lights, but the weather is warm and filled with humidity. No solstice fire this year and no hearth fire either.  But it is all okay here. Warm days to go to the barn and ride. And a good few days on the boat last week were just what I needed. 

On the boat last week with great weather.

We are having another quiet Christmas this year. Just the two of us.  I had a few moments of sadness when I looked at old ornaments and old tags from presents given in year's past. I do miss those who are no longer here.  And I know that I will for the rest of my life. They have left a hole that can't be filled. And that's the way it is for all who miss loved ones. So I let the feelings flow through me. And the sadness passed.

For the first time, we are going to have our dinner on Christmas Eve.  And then on Christmas Day we are going to take a ham to the homeless living under the big bridge and gather with other volunteers to feed them.  We need nothing this year. We have so much.  And for me, doing for others is really what it's all about.

Later, I will take a meal to an elderly couple that I visit every year.  And they will have a good Christmas dinner while we talk about a lot of things that have been going on in their life and mine.  They like to hear about the horse and the boat adventures.

I remember my father going to visit his old friends on Christmas. He would take something, maybe a fruit cake, to the man who ran the store across from the farm where he grew up.  All of those people are gone now.  The farm is gone too, with the land gone fallow.  But I find that the older I get, the more I repeat the things that I remember from childhood--the deeds that I thought were kind and generous.  I like to think that I got the best parts of my parents' character.  And that connects me to them as I do those things that I remember them doing that touched my heart.

So I am wishing each of you a Merry Christmas, happy holiday, and season's greetings.  Whether you celebrate of not,  I hope that you have time to relax and just be.

All is calm, all is bright. 

Getting through the holidays and each day

It's the time of year when so much is going on.  I have spent so little time at the computer. I apologize for not reading blogs.  And because I am truly moving to a point in life that I no longer feel the need to pour out feelings on here, I have thought about moving to another type of social media.

I have Twitter that I use sporadically. Maybe it's time to jump into the whole Facebook thing. But then I think about the ugliness that seems to be prevalent there. We don't have it ugly in our blog world--at least from the point that we aren't ugly to each other.  This is a supportive community and certainly has given me a lot over the years.  I am most appreciative of that.

My stepping into more of an activist role in the community has absorbed a lot of time.  My standing passively by when there is so much injustice happening is not something I can do.  I view this as practicing the principles of Al-Anon in all my affairs, having courage to change the things I can and speaking my truth without fear.  I don't let the problems I see take over my life though. It is important for me to maintain balance.

Regarding balance, we have been invited to quite a few parties this year.  It is quite a change that I used to be nervous about going to parties where alcohol was present. Now C. and I can go without feeling uncomfortable.  Being able to enjoy social settings has made the holidays much more enjoyable than what would happen in times past when I was gripped with anxiety about my wife's drinking.

So many though are struggling with the whole holiday scene.  Here are a few things that we talked about at a meeting this week that will help during the holidays:

• Remember the three C's: that you did not cause the alcoholism. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
• Detaching myself from the situation. I have an escape plan, a Plan B, in which I remove myself from uncomfortable situations.  I may just leave the room and walk away or if a relapse would occur, then I know to call her sponsor. 
• Doing service work and volunteering to help others. It is an excellent way to get out of your own anxiety and have a good feeling.  There are also meetings and often special events around the holidays. Even if you are traveling, there are local meetings that are being held.  Look them up and go to a meeting. 
• Going back to basics when things get stressful continues to soothe me. I remember that I am powerless over other people, places and things. I am powerless over alcohol.  I say the Serenity Prayer over and over to quiet my mind.  I remember that I may have to break things down to small time intervals by just getting through the next 10 minutes of a bad situation. 
• Not participating in blaming and recriminations helps.  I don't participate in the blame game. Again, the escape plan is useful. If things get out of hand, walk out of the room and calm yourself down so you can go back and enjoy your family.
• Plan in advance for activities. Be aware and honest with what the circumstances may be. If you know it will end badly, stay away, leave or plan for different transportation.
• Be careful and aware. Staying safe is important. Look out for yourself and seek out friends who are supportive. Refusing to get into a car driven by someone who is alcoholically impaired may save your life. 

If you have other ideas on what works for you during the holidays, please post them. I appreciate your thoughts because it is difficult to get through a time of year when expectations run so high.  Keeping my expectations low has helped a lot in not building resentment. 

Thank you for being here.  If any of you would like to share your experience, strength and hope by writing a post, just email me (sydlaughs@att.net). Wishing you the best. 

Not just one day

I am doing my best to be happy in this time when there are so many things going wrong with the world. Little kids and teachers are killed by terrorists.  The police and citizens are killing each other. And it all seems that the world has gone madder than usual lately.

In the midst of it, I escape to the barn and to ride my horse. He is adjusting well, and his closeness and nuzzling of my hair and chest fill me with love.  It is a simple uncomplicated love here.  Not much asked of each other except respect and good manners.

I hear at meetings the sadness of those who are struggling with family and the expectations of Christmas.  It is another day, albeit one that has lost meaning in its commercialization. For me, every day needs to be about caring and kindness, compassion and empathy.  Not just one day. Every day.

I am at a loss to understand the amount of dysfunction in the world. I cannot change the hearts of madmen and murderers.  I watch the garden growing and see the dogs playing. I hug and hold my beloved close at night. I go to the boat to have a night alone and listen to the waves slap the hull.  And I whisper to my horse and feed him carrots, knowing that I will be with him to the end.

My thoughts are with those who are sick and suffering today.  I wish that I could touch you and hold you and whisper that all will be okay.  And that what isn't okay today may be righted for you tomorrow. I hope so, and send that thought out to the universe and a world in chaos.  Not just one day, but every day I wish you peace.

PS: I just learned that dear Kathleen over at Sittin on a Porch died this morning. Her last post was beautiful.  You can read it here. And then this quote on her page:

Everyone dies. I died. Someone let the air out of my balloon. I'm free. Don't focus on the left over carcass of a deflated balloon. Open up a window. Blow up a balloon. Life/death. It's just a breath away. ~Susan Hunt

Love is the best gift

I am writing this post to wish all of you a day of love at Christmas.  I think that love is about the most wonderful emotion because it can be practiced every day and makes everyone feel good.  It is the greatest gift to bestow on those around us.

We are going to have our Christmas dinner in the dining room--just the two of us with candles lit.  And unbelievably, I'm not sad.  We both have accepted that it's a much better day this year because none of our family is sick and suffering. So it will be a day to relax and enjoy being together.

I don't have any great expectations for Christmas other than I don't want it to be just another day.  Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking of those who have left us; those who have survived and may be alone; those who are without families where Christmas is just another day; as well as those who are impoverished; suffering; dying or in distress. I know that we are grateful to have gotten through a lot of the tribulations and have some much needed down time.

We had decided to not give each other presents, but I had to get my wife a gift. So I bought her a wireless bird cam so she can watch all the animals that come to the feeders.  And I got her a few things for her stocking too.  The greatest gift though  is our love for each other.  It has endured and grown over the years.  I am more than grateful for that.

I'll be thinking of you, my blogger friends, tomorrow.  I haven't gotten around to all the blogs recently.  I stay busy with life.  But here's a virtual Merry Christmas filled with love to each of you.

A December baby

Yesterday was my father's birthday.  Every year since I began blogging, I have written something about him on his birthday.  Yesterday, I decided to sit with the feelings of missing him and think about the good times we had together.

As I decorated the tree,  I put up the old ornaments that we had when I was a child.  Some of them have been broken, but there are enough to take me back to putting up the tree and all the excitement about Christmas I felt years ago.  My father loved Christmas, maybe because it was his birth month; but I also think that he liked giving and receiving presents. He was sentimental about many things.

I miss him.  I miss family who died this past year.  My father has been dead over 25 years now. But I remember him clearly. I have a few regrets from the years when he was drinking. I believe that he knew in later life how much I loved him and respected him.  He and I are alike in many ways: bluntness, impatience, love of animals, tender hearted, conflicted, respectful, controlling.   Our alikeness may explain why we butted heads so much when I was younger. I didn't like his trying to control me and that's because I had an issue with control too.  As they say, "if you spot it, you've got it."

I know that this is a difficult time of year for so many. So many reminders of what used to be.  We decided to just keep it simple and not have an open house this year. We are going to cook our meal for Christmas Day and be together. And I'll be thinking about my parents, my wife's parents, and all the other family members who are gone. I don't want to dwell on the sadness, but lightly touch on happy memories.

Today my memory is of a day old baby being loved by his mother as his sisters went about the house hold chores. I imagine the neighbors stopped by the farm to see the son born to my grandparents. A December baby born on a snowy day. An early present. Happy birthday, Dad.

The lights are still up

It's traditional for us to take down the Christmas lights and tree on New Year's Day.  I will miss the lights and the tree, but I have to say that I'm glad Christmas is over.  It was relatively free of pain, except for Christmas day. 

On Christmas morning, we fixed a nice breakfast and my wife unwrapped her gifts.  I surprised her with a few things this year, even though we had agreed not to buy each other anything. I simply had to get her some things for her stocking and a few other odds and ends.  All of that was happy.  

The sad part came when we visited her parents.  Her mother didn't recognize either of us.  She talked a bit but was pretty much focused on not eating her lunch.  We didn't stay long.  Then we drove to the nursing home to visit C.'s dad.  He was in bed and wasn't feeling well.  So we left his presents there for him. 

No matter how hard I try, the expectation of Christmas day seems to get to me.  Both of us were sad about the parents.  We know that there is nothing that can be done, but it is still hard to see them in such decline.  On Christmas night, I felt so very sad.  

I thought about my parents who were married near Christmas.  And that my mother used to show me an old perfume bottle that held Nuit de Noel (Christmas Night) which was a gift from my father to her.  I had thoughts of my parents, missing them, and wondering what it is like to be over 90 years old, sick in body and demented as my wife's parents are.  And I wondered how I would get through hosting a party the next day.  

Even though the day after Christmas was rainy and windy,  both of us felt better as if the weight of previous day was past. By the afternoon, the rain had stopped,  and the day turned clear and sunny.  We had a great time at the party, enjoyed seeing others have a good time, and were happy for so many friends in recovery.  I think that filling the house with people is a good idea.  Their presence chases away the memories of past Christmases that this year seem too much.  

So on this eve of New Year's eve,  I feel content.  The lights are still up.  It's cold outside but a warm fire is burning in the house.   I have had a good weekend of reading and relaxing. I went to a couple of meetings, including an open AA speaker meeting.  I feel back in balance.  

One of the important things that I've learned in recovery is that if I feel sad, I can share it because someone out there will know exactly what I am talking about and will be feeling just as sad/lost/alone as I do.  The friends that I have now were strangers to me at one time.  Who knows what friends I will have tomorrow.   

All is calm, All is bright

Wishing you a day of peace, love and kindness.  

The priceless gift of serenity

The weather turned chilly and windy a few days ago. It has been a roller coaster of warm balmy weather followed by seasonal temperatures.  I'm not complaining because both are good.  The chilly temperatures make it a little more difficult to do things on the boat, but when I come home to a warm house and a fire going in the gathering room, it's wonderful. 

Yesterday, we baked pies and pound cakes. The coconut pies and boxed pound cakes above are some of our gifts to friends.  The cookies were baked last night and will be part of the food at the open house we are having for recovery folks on Boxing Day.  So far there are 36 people coming.  It seems a little bit overwhelming at this point.  But I'm sure we will have enough food for them, and it will all be fine.  I like that with so many people around, they can entertain themselves.  

I went to my last meetings before Christmas.  I think that there will be a meeting on Christmas night.  I'm glad that the meetings continue regardless of the day.  Someone who needs a respite, peace, and a safe place to be will find that in a meeting.  There is a place for people to be on days when the world seems too much or the season just a bit too jolly.  That is such a good thing. 

I remember when my wife was first sober, we took a ham and cake over to a meeting on the other side of town.  So many people were there who had no family or other place they wanted to be. The AA club house was open all day with meetings going throughout the day and into Christmas night.  It was truly something that I will remember for many years and still brings tears to my eyes.  Both her sponsors who were there that day are dead.  Others that she truly liked have died or moved away. But I'm sure many will be there on Christmas day to be with their fellows and enjoy the priceless gift of serenity. 

Getting close

Christmas is just around the corner, and we have been busy.  As I mentioned in a previous post, this is the year of making presents for people.  So one of the favorite things to make is pepper jelly from our home-grown peppers and my mother's recipe.  I chopped and my wife cooked enough to fill a few dozen jars with red and green jelly. We even made labels for the top and will give them to friends who attend our open house party on Boxing Day.

This evening, my wife was putting the icing on a wonderful orange pound cake that she decorated with marzipan candies.  That cake was going to her home group meeting.  I am hoping for a small slice when she gets home.  She has baked every Wednesday for this group for about five years.  It's what she likes to do, and the people at the meeting seem to really appreciate it.  A couple more cakes will be forthcoming over the weekend as gifts to some elderly couples we know.

In another spurt of inspiration,  we decided to make some hand scrub as gifts.  It sells for quite a bit of money in the city gift shops and is in just about every restaurant rest room downtown.  So we made some using epsom salts, olive oil with orange-clove fragrance and another with vanilla-almond scent.  It was easy to do and looked really great when we were done.

About the only sad note is that a friend who has been active in both AA and Al-Anon for decades was diagnosed on Monday with pancreatic cancer.  We don't know the stage or any details but know that if it can be beaten, our friend will manage to do it.  

And the parents-in-law are fragile but doing reasonably well. I took Pop for a ride on Sunday to see the lights and to get him a milk shake.  He is starting to lose some of his mental acuity, alternating between making sense and senseless babble. One of the nurses said that the main thing keeping him alive is the lactulose that prevents a buildup of ammonia in his blood due to his cirrhotic liver. I see them continuing to decline. But I think that both of us have come to terms with the inevitable. 

I know that many of you are feeling the crunch of the holidays.  We feel much less stressed this year and really grateful.  We are actually having fun with being "elves".  Who knew? 

Staying busy

It has been a busy week. We went in the parade of boats which was fun. Usually, I row in the parade but this year, we decided to ride in a friend's boat that was entered. The weather was good which made the evening even nicer.

And the other major activity has been fulfilling the Christmas wish list for one of the orphans in the county. There are 35 orphans and a group of us decided to be secret Santas for them. My wife and I decided to fulfill the Christmas list for a 16 year old girl. I have to say that this has been such a joyous thing. Just the idea of helping a kid have a great Christmas is happiness.

All else has been good. I have moments of sadness when I think of my parents and others who are no longer around. My sponsor who is on the other coast sent some delicious chocolate covered strawberries to the home group on Monday evening. I miss him too. So much changes from one year to the next. But at least, I am doing what I can to enjoy the holidays without stressing over gifts.

I hope that all else is going well. I start radar school on December 15, so will be out of touch for a while. I will catch up when I can.