It's a rainy Easter Sunday here. The rain over the past few days has brought out every new leaf, turning the landscape into a thousand hues of green. And it has washed away the pine and oak pollen that was coating everything yellow. All seems refreshed. And that is what I love about this time of year in the Lowcountry. It is green and lush and covered with flowers.
Last time I wrote here about getting a new sponsee. That lasted about two weeks when he decided that he could deal with all of his problems on his own. It turns out that he is a recovering alcoholic which is okay because certainly most alcoholics are qualified to be in Al-Anon. Who hasn't been affected by someone else's drinking? Not many people that I know.
Anyway, what I want to write about here is problems other than alcohol that seem to plague many who are in recovery. Once the drinking stops, other addictions can be a substitute, such as gambling, eating, or sex. He happened to be using the latter.
He told me that he had 13th stepped several women in AA. Then when he was married, he stopped doing that. But over the last two years, he was finding himself more and more into on line chats and sexting. Needless to say, this brought about more problems in his marriage to an alcoholic. His wife asked him to move out. And he thought that having a sponsor in Al-Anon would help him with his marriage and in dealing with an alcoholic spouse.
I know that I can't help someone who has an issue outside of Al-Anon. I suggested that he find a 12 step group that could address his sex addiction. That wasn't something that he wanted to do because he was still focusing on his wife's drinking. It was a convoluted situation for sure. And one that I could not help rectify.
I know from my own experience that getting honest with yourself, admitting that you are wrong and making amends can be so powerful. So many things that we do in our lives hurt others, cause them to lose trust, and drive people away. I hope this fellow gets at the root of what drives him to make bad decisions.
"Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to — alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person — you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever." ~Eckhart Tolle
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Drinking in the New Year
I hope that you had a good beginning to 2016. It seems that a lot of people are struggling with the aftermath of the holiday season. The rooms have been fairly packed with people who have found that living with alcoholism is a struggle. Just about every meeting is filled. People come in and are lost from a holiday season filled with drinking and out of control behavior. They feel lost, angry and are struggling in their relationships with problem drinkers. Sadly, this happens every year. Some of the newcomers stick around for the miracle of recovery while others decide that they can control the drinking of another. The merry-go-round continues.
I received an email from someone who was saying that it was difficult to live with active alcoholism. And how hard it is when our culture seems to think that drinking to excess is okay and socially acceptable.
First off, living with active alcoholism was a nightmare for me. And I know that even with Al-Anon, it would be impossible for me to stay in a relationship with active alcoholic drinking. My struggle to rescue and enable is still very real. And that does more harm to the alcoholic in many ways. I can feel the anxiety as I type this, thinking about what it used to be like. If I were to have any peace, I would not again live with an alcoholic who is not serious about recovery.
As far as our society glamorizing alcohol, I see it a lot in social groups, although most of us now have realized that drinking every day is not only unhealthy but not sustainable. That being said, the young people I am around seem to revel in partying and drinking. This is a college town so there are plenty who get sick from alcohol toxicity. And I think to myself that there will be a place for them in the rooms of AA someday if they don't stop. Sadly, because alcoholism is a progressive disease, they may not be able to stop. Those who can't will keep it up until they are real alcoholics.
I remember what my wife's sponsor said: "If what you hear at a meeting drives you out, alcohol will drive you back in." I believe that is true for both programs of AA and Al-Anon. I am glad that I stayed and have continued. It isn't a solution for everyone, but it was one that I could embrace and where I found peace of mind.
Sending good thoughts to you.
I received an email from someone who was saying that it was difficult to live with active alcoholism. And how hard it is when our culture seems to think that drinking to excess is okay and socially acceptable.
First off, living with active alcoholism was a nightmare for me. And I know that even with Al-Anon, it would be impossible for me to stay in a relationship with active alcoholic drinking. My struggle to rescue and enable is still very real. And that does more harm to the alcoholic in many ways. I can feel the anxiety as I type this, thinking about what it used to be like. If I were to have any peace, I would not again live with an alcoholic who is not serious about recovery.
As far as our society glamorizing alcohol, I see it a lot in social groups, although most of us now have realized that drinking every day is not only unhealthy but not sustainable. That being said, the young people I am around seem to revel in partying and drinking. This is a college town so there are plenty who get sick from alcohol toxicity. And I think to myself that there will be a place for them in the rooms of AA someday if they don't stop. Sadly, because alcoholism is a progressive disease, they may not be able to stop. Those who can't will keep it up until they are real alcoholics.
I remember what my wife's sponsor said: "If what you hear at a meeting drives you out, alcohol will drive you back in." I believe that is true for both programs of AA and Al-Anon. I am glad that I stayed and have continued. It isn't a solution for everyone, but it was one that I could embrace and where I found peace of mind.
Sending good thoughts to you.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thoughts at the end of 2015
I don't do New Year's resolutions. A year is too much to contemplate. When one is just about over, as 2015 is, I do like to look back and see where I need to improve.
My health is good and I ran, walked and exercised my way to 1,193.17 miles thus far in 2015.
I sailed my boat over 90 days and viewed the time spent on her as sacred, a chance to reset my mind and meditate.
I bought a horse who is the most wonderful creature I can imagine. I became a re-rider after years of not riding. It was a learning experience in many ways.
I made new friends, kept my expectations low and was glad that I did. Many of my new friends awakened in me activism that has become part of my life again after too many years.
I grieved the loss of several close friends and much loved pets. I keep their memory close.
I read reviling diatribes and insults that made me wonder about humanity. I saw so much tragedy in the news that my heart ached.
I continued on my path to recovery in Al-Anon through service, meetings and writing here. Although the latter has become less frequent, I know that writing down my thoughts and reading yours has helped me.
I am not sure what 2016 will bring. But I am going to do my part to stay the course, make things a little better for others and be mindful of love and compassion as I go about each day.
Wishing you peace in 2016.
My health is good and I ran, walked and exercised my way to 1,193.17 miles thus far in 2015.
I sailed my boat over 90 days and viewed the time spent on her as sacred, a chance to reset my mind and meditate.
I bought a horse who is the most wonderful creature I can imagine. I became a re-rider after years of not riding. It was a learning experience in many ways.
I made new friends, kept my expectations low and was glad that I did. Many of my new friends awakened in me activism that has become part of my life again after too many years.
I grieved the loss of several close friends and much loved pets. I keep their memory close.
I read reviling diatribes and insults that made me wonder about humanity. I saw so much tragedy in the news that my heart ached.
I continued on my path to recovery in Al-Anon through service, meetings and writing here. Although the latter has become less frequent, I know that writing down my thoughts and reading yours has helped me.
I am not sure what 2016 will bring. But I am going to do my part to stay the course, make things a little better for others and be mindful of love and compassion as I go about each day.
Wishing you peace in 2016.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Are you happy living with alcoholism?
I have heard a lot of people complain about living with an alcoholic. New comers come into a meeting, and most of what is shared is how terrible their life is because they live with a drunk. And they are right. Living with a drunk is pretty terrible. In fact, it is sometimes like being in a living Hell depending on how abusive the drunk is.
If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open. Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic. We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.
I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness? Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?
I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin. I am much more used to who I am now. I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself. And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better. I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.
I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life. They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also. I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them. I believed that I knew what was best for my wife. "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.
It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life. I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.
I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help. And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world. That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.
Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help. I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another. No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell. So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it. Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work. Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic. And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.
Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery. And so did my wife. That is the miracle of the whole thing. And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other. It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.
I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life. Use every tool at your disposal. I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon. I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution. But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet. I am working on myself every day. And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.
If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open. Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic. We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.
I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness? Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?
I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin. I am much more used to who I am now. I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself. And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better. I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.
I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life. They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also. I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them. I believed that I knew what was best for my wife. "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.
It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life. I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.
I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help. And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world. That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.
Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help. I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another. No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell. So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it. Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work. Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic. And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.
Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery. And so did my wife. That is the miracle of the whole thing. And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other. It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.
I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life. Use every tool at your disposal. I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon. I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution. But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet. I am working on myself every day. And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Nine years today
Today is my 9th anniversary in Al-Anon. I have told you about all of these years right here. You probably know more about my life than anyone, except for my first sponsor and my wife. I'm grateful that you have been with me on the journey thus far.
And it has been a good journey in recovery. I can remember how it started out. That first year was confusing. My wife was new to AA, and I wasn't sure whether our marriage could be healed. We didn't trust each other. It was a rough time.
Gradually, as each year passed, we came to realize that if we applied the principles of recovery to our lives, we could prevail. I learned about compassion and just how much I loved her. I realized that we were both damaged when we met. And as I thought of her as a child, fearful of the emotional abuse from an alcoholic father and a mother who was affected by her husband's alcoholism, I came to feel so much love for her. I realized that I was wounded too by my father's drinking. And I came to love him more than ever, along with my in-laws, because they did the best they knew how to do.
So C. and I shared a common bond of children affected by alcoholism. I knew her pain, and she knew mine. We grew to be respectful and kind to each other, rather than having the old judgmental and contemptuous feelings. And over these years our love has grown to where we are today. Neither of us can imagine life without the other.
I am so fortunate to have found out who I am and that I have a lot of good qualities. I am grateful for having met so many people whose paths I would not have crossed if not for Al-Anon. I am glad that you have been along for the journey too. We have written, learned, cried, laughed, and comforted each other in more ways than I thought possible. Thank you all.
And it has been a good journey in recovery. I can remember how it started out. That first year was confusing. My wife was new to AA, and I wasn't sure whether our marriage could be healed. We didn't trust each other. It was a rough time.
Gradually, as each year passed, we came to realize that if we applied the principles of recovery to our lives, we could prevail. I learned about compassion and just how much I loved her. I realized that we were both damaged when we met. And as I thought of her as a child, fearful of the emotional abuse from an alcoholic father and a mother who was affected by her husband's alcoholism, I came to feel so much love for her. I realized that I was wounded too by my father's drinking. And I came to love him more than ever, along with my in-laws, because they did the best they knew how to do.
So C. and I shared a common bond of children affected by alcoholism. I knew her pain, and she knew mine. We grew to be respectful and kind to each other, rather than having the old judgmental and contemptuous feelings. And over these years our love has grown to where we are today. Neither of us can imagine life without the other.
I am so fortunate to have found out who I am and that I have a lot of good qualities. I am grateful for having met so many people whose paths I would not have crossed if not for Al-Anon. I am glad that you have been along for the journey too. We have written, learned, cried, laughed, and comforted each other in more ways than I thought possible. Thank you all.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Nine years for C.
I am not going to write much but will share the last few days in photos. We are together in this life until the end. That is love.
Friday, May 1, 2015
You touch my life
I have once again been busy and have neglected this blog. I feel as if I am repetitive because I am doing the same things that I have been doing for quite some time: going on the boat, working out, gardening, riding my horse, going to meetings, and generally having a wonderful life with my wife.
But I am often think of you out there who are writing and sharing. You have touched my life in many ways. I just learned that fellow blogger, Cheryl H., over at Through an Al-Anon Filter died on April 22. I started reading Cheryl's blog when she first began blogging. Her death reminded me of how connected we are to each other. Although we haven't met in person, we get to know each other through our writings and the special sharing that we have. I know that those of you who read this blog know more about me than many people that I know in person. That is an amazing thing to contemplate. And when one of us dies, I feel a great sense of loss. And when others stop writing without explanation, I wonder how they are and what they are doing.
I can tell you that life for me is good. Spring has come to the Lowcountry. The garden and grounds are beautiful with flowers and shrubs. We have brought in lettuce and radishes for salads. The pasture is amazing with buttercups. So much beauty surrounds me.
But I am often think of you out there who are writing and sharing. You have touched my life in many ways. I just learned that fellow blogger, Cheryl H., over at Through an Al-Anon Filter died on April 22. I started reading Cheryl's blog when she first began blogging. Her death reminded me of how connected we are to each other. Although we haven't met in person, we get to know each other through our writings and the special sharing that we have. I know that those of you who read this blog know more about me than many people that I know in person. That is an amazing thing to contemplate. And when one of us dies, I feel a great sense of loss. And when others stop writing without explanation, I wonder how they are and what they are doing.
I can tell you that life for me is good. Spring has come to the Lowcountry. The garden and grounds are beautiful with flowers and shrubs. We have brought in lettuce and radishes for salads. The pasture is amazing with buttercups. So much beauty surrounds me.
And the weather has begun to cooperate for going on the boat. I just returned from three days of being at the island anchorage. I come back refreshed and ready to tackle what ever comes my way.
My horse is a source of much joy. My wife feeds him carrots and apples. He has a birthday this week, and we are having a little party in his honor with an actual cake that the horses can eat. There will be one for humans too.
I do attribute much of what I feel to having been in Al-Anon. It has helped me to lighten up, let go of trying to control others, and find joy in life. My changed attitude is a result of recovery. It is hard for me to remember how I was before being in Al-Anon. But this blog documents the journey. Thank you for being along with me for the ride.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Questions about coping with an alcoholic spouse
I received this comment the other day:
"I need help coping with my alcoholic wife. I hardly speak to her anymore, not sure if I love her, getting sick and tired of the antics that surround the drinking, manipulation and embarrassment. Trying to answer questions from my 7 year old daughter, "why is Mommy acting funny again?" or, "Mommy's being rude".
I don't know where to begin. I have an alcoholic wife who we will call Samantha or Sam for short. When Sam's not drinking she is very un-pleasant, doesn't say one positive word to anyone if she speaks at all. She uses her alcoholic behavior to get what she wants or what she believes will solve the problem. We have been married for 14 years. I was a social drinker then so we had a lot of fun, but I started to notice she was more than a social drinker and started making comments about slowing down. God forbid that I asked a question like that! The subject is not up for discussion sober or otherwise. Her parents are both alcoholics so they are no help. We tried to have children for several years depleting our savings account with fertility Drs. to no avail. She was saying things like "if we have a child I will quit drinking because I will have a purpose, or "if you buy the house with a few acres we can have horses then I'll stop drinking" and so on. We successfully adopted a beautiful baby girl at birth 7 years ago. Now I have realized all the enabling I have done and I'm so mad at myself for bringing this little girl into this mess.
Sam isn't very pleasant until she has a few drinks, then becomes somewhat pleasant until she has more than a few and becomes unreasonable and difficult to deal with. She starts arguments with my daughter and I close myself off in another room and try to ignore the situation which eventually spirals out of control at which time I lose my temper at both of them.
I have started to threaten Sam that I can't live in this environment any longer and she needs help. She reluctantly went to a counselor for 5 or 6 weeks to discuss her issues but that has stopped. Sam tells me that the counselor says she doesn't have a drinking problem and that the problem is that I am such an asshole. She even went to a few AA meetings only to come home and get drunk.
I'm out of patience and considering divorce. I have worked so hard for everything we have and hate to think about losing it all in a costly divorce but something had to happen. Sam doesn't want to get help so is it time to back up the idle threats by actually leaving?
This is my first time reaching out to anyone or writing on a blog so I'm not sure what I doing here."
First off, thank you for reaching out. That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I thought for so many years that I could handle what ever was happening. I had to because I certainly didn't want to let anyone know what was going on at home. I was filled with shame and wanted to cover up the drinking.
I think that you are hoping to get some answers. I can tell you what worked for me. When my wife was actively drinking, she too denied that she had a problem. She refused to get help and lied about how much she was drinking. But, I could tell her exactly how much she had and frequently did. My nagging her about drinking only made her angry. I didn't accomplish anything except to make her more unreasonable and irritable when I asked her not to drink.
So after many years of nagging and worrying, I finally got to the point that I started to not care about her. She was becoming more of a problem to me because her actions were causing me to also be angry and unreasonable. She wouldn't do anything I wanted! No matter what I tried, she simply wouldn't stop. After one particularly terrible evening at a party where she got drunk and drove off, leaving me to walk home, I decided I had enough.
I told her that I was going to move out. I wasn't angry when I told her this, simply resolved. I knew that I was at the end of my ability to cope with alcoholism. So I told her that I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and that I was going to get an apartment. I didn't mention divorce, although that was certainly in my mind. I simply wanted to get away from her.
She became hysterical and begged me not to leave. She asked if I loved her. I said that I wasn't sure. She asked what she could do to get me to stay. I didn't know, but mentioned that a good friend who had been sober for many years told me to tell her that if she would go to AA and really work the program, she would come to know great happiness. But the other part of the message was that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I was suffering from the effects of her drinking.
So I told her what I was going to do regarding going to Al-Anon. I also reiterated what my friend said about AA. She agreed to go. I went to Al-Anon. We decided to give our marriage another try. But I set a boundary that I would not live with active alcoholism. I believe that she was ready to quit drinking because she has not had a drink since before that first meeting nearly 9 years ago.
Our marriage is much better than it has ever been because we have mutual respect for each other. It has taken a lot of work in the programs of AA and Al-Anon for us to be where we are now.
I do believe that you have to speak your truth to Sam. Trying to get her to stop drinking is not going to work, but telling her what you are going to do to take care of yourself may actually get her attention. There is a saying in Al-Anon that "changed attitudes can aid recovery". I can attest that is true. My changed attitude of taking care of me and not focusing on what my wife was doing helped our marriage.
So my suggestion to you is to go to several Al-Anon meetings. You will find people there who will understand what you are dealing with. I tell people to try at least six meetings to see if Al-Anon is right for them. Hopefully, you will hear what you need in order to put the focus on you and your children.
Finally, I want to share one of my favorite readings from Al-Anon literature. This is from the book From Survival to Recovery (pg. 269):
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be a slave to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness.
Will we arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute-and that is enough."
"I need help coping with my alcoholic wife. I hardly speak to her anymore, not sure if I love her, getting sick and tired of the antics that surround the drinking, manipulation and embarrassment. Trying to answer questions from my 7 year old daughter, "why is Mommy acting funny again?" or, "Mommy's being rude".
I don't know where to begin. I have an alcoholic wife who we will call Samantha or Sam for short. When Sam's not drinking she is very un-pleasant, doesn't say one positive word to anyone if she speaks at all. She uses her alcoholic behavior to get what she wants or what she believes will solve the problem. We have been married for 14 years. I was a social drinker then so we had a lot of fun, but I started to notice she was more than a social drinker and started making comments about slowing down. God forbid that I asked a question like that! The subject is not up for discussion sober or otherwise. Her parents are both alcoholics so they are no help. We tried to have children for several years depleting our savings account with fertility Drs. to no avail. She was saying things like "if we have a child I will quit drinking because I will have a purpose, or "if you buy the house with a few acres we can have horses then I'll stop drinking" and so on. We successfully adopted a beautiful baby girl at birth 7 years ago. Now I have realized all the enabling I have done and I'm so mad at myself for bringing this little girl into this mess.
Sam isn't very pleasant until she has a few drinks, then becomes somewhat pleasant until she has more than a few and becomes unreasonable and difficult to deal with. She starts arguments with my daughter and I close myself off in another room and try to ignore the situation which eventually spirals out of control at which time I lose my temper at both of them.
I have started to threaten Sam that I can't live in this environment any longer and she needs help. She reluctantly went to a counselor for 5 or 6 weeks to discuss her issues but that has stopped. Sam tells me that the counselor says she doesn't have a drinking problem and that the problem is that I am such an asshole. She even went to a few AA meetings only to come home and get drunk.
I'm out of patience and considering divorce. I have worked so hard for everything we have and hate to think about losing it all in a costly divorce but something had to happen. Sam doesn't want to get help so is it time to back up the idle threats by actually leaving?
This is my first time reaching out to anyone or writing on a blog so I'm not sure what I doing here."
First off, thank you for reaching out. That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I thought for so many years that I could handle what ever was happening. I had to because I certainly didn't want to let anyone know what was going on at home. I was filled with shame and wanted to cover up the drinking.
I think that you are hoping to get some answers. I can tell you what worked for me. When my wife was actively drinking, she too denied that she had a problem. She refused to get help and lied about how much she was drinking. But, I could tell her exactly how much she had and frequently did. My nagging her about drinking only made her angry. I didn't accomplish anything except to make her more unreasonable and irritable when I asked her not to drink.
So after many years of nagging and worrying, I finally got to the point that I started to not care about her. She was becoming more of a problem to me because her actions were causing me to also be angry and unreasonable. She wouldn't do anything I wanted! No matter what I tried, she simply wouldn't stop. After one particularly terrible evening at a party where she got drunk and drove off, leaving me to walk home, I decided I had enough.
I told her that I was going to move out. I wasn't angry when I told her this, simply resolved. I knew that I was at the end of my ability to cope with alcoholism. So I told her that I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and that I was going to get an apartment. I didn't mention divorce, although that was certainly in my mind. I simply wanted to get away from her.
She became hysterical and begged me not to leave. She asked if I loved her. I said that I wasn't sure. She asked what she could do to get me to stay. I didn't know, but mentioned that a good friend who had been sober for many years told me to tell her that if she would go to AA and really work the program, she would come to know great happiness. But the other part of the message was that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I was suffering from the effects of her drinking.
So I told her what I was going to do regarding going to Al-Anon. I also reiterated what my friend said about AA. She agreed to go. I went to Al-Anon. We decided to give our marriage another try. But I set a boundary that I would not live with active alcoholism. I believe that she was ready to quit drinking because she has not had a drink since before that first meeting nearly 9 years ago.
Our marriage is much better than it has ever been because we have mutual respect for each other. It has taken a lot of work in the programs of AA and Al-Anon for us to be where we are now.
I do believe that you have to speak your truth to Sam. Trying to get her to stop drinking is not going to work, but telling her what you are going to do to take care of yourself may actually get her attention. There is a saying in Al-Anon that "changed attitudes can aid recovery". I can attest that is true. My changed attitude of taking care of me and not focusing on what my wife was doing helped our marriage.
So my suggestion to you is to go to several Al-Anon meetings. You will find people there who will understand what you are dealing with. I tell people to try at least six meetings to see if Al-Anon is right for them. Hopefully, you will hear what you need in order to put the focus on you and your children.
Finally, I want to share one of my favorite readings from Al-Anon literature. This is from the book From Survival to Recovery (pg. 269):
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be a slave to them. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance and grace. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery and awe. We will laugh more. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness.
Will we arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute-and that is enough."
Thursday, July 31, 2014
What makes a healthy Al-Anon meeting?
Fairly regularly in Al-Anon, we have what's called a group inventory. We talk about how the group is doing and whether it is "healthy". There is actually a check list that people in the group can look over and discuss in deciding how the group is doing.
I think that the regular meetings I attend are healthy. We have a step meeting, a tradition meeting, a literature meeting, and an open discussion meeting each month. Members follow the traditions which guide the group in their interaction with other groups and how members interact with each other.
That being said, each group is autonomous. There isn't a one size fits all kind of format. And I have been to some unhealthy meetings in the past. So I can attest to the fact that not all Al-Anon meetings follow the three legacies of recovery, unity and service. Some are filled with discussions of problems (self-pity and hostile martyrdom) with no solutions offered. And some are filled with endless talk about the alcoholic and how he/she is to blame.
What makes a meeting healthy, in my opinion, is one in which the traditions are practiced. Some of the most important words for me to remember from the traditions are unity, authority, anonymity, and outside issues.
Religion is an outside issue and seems to be one of the most misunderstood part of meetings. I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of any organized religion. Religion is not something that I want to hear at meetings. When people pass out poems of platitude and offer up biblical sayings, I want to roll my eyes. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, however. And the God of our understanding is mentioned, as is a Higher Power (HP). Whatever a person believes to be more powerful than they are is their HP.
We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world: Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon, etc. People may have Nature as their Higher Power. Perhaps the group or a sponsor is their HP. Many are Christian in their beliefs. I'm not offended by what others believe. I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.
Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window. Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew. If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an, that would be my Bible. If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous and create divisiveness.
So, I think unity and harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings. Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. If a person is uncomfortable about the Lord's Prayer, then they can step back and not say it. They can also call for a group conscience to ask that another closing be used. I am glad that everyone is included in Al-Anon regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.
Dominance (authority) is another obstacle to success in having a healthy group. Dominance means that egos run the meetings. There isn't much room for spirituality when ego has run amuck. I have heard the saying that ego means "edging God out". I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door. There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do. If the Al-Anon "police" are at a meeting, then it may not be particularly healthy.
Anonymity is important and makes a meeting safe. Talking about others or the reason they are attending meetings is not healthy. Gossip is hurtful. To me, meetings must be a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic. While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.
Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me. I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power. It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings about what I was doing.
I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself. I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems. That is not my business. But treating others in a dignified way is my business. Gossip robs me and others of dignity.
A healthy meeting is where you can share with others and learn from their experiences. Yes, there are slogans and expressions that may seem corny at first. I remember when I kept hearing "Let Go and Let God" at meetings, it made me want to leave/heave. I disliked that slogan so much. Now I realize that letting go means to quit tugging so hard at someone and let their own HP, what ever it may be, guide them. When I stopped resisting and started listening, I found out that "take what you like, and leave the rest" is taken very seriously in Al-Anon.
Another sign of a healthy meeting is when no one gives advice and tells you what to do. This is a program in which we share our experience, strength, and hope. It does not mean that I tell another person how to live their life. In a healthy meeting, no one tells you whether to stay in a relationship with your alcoholic. A meeting isn't group therapy where we "cross talk" or give advice.
In a healthy meeting, you may learn some tools that can help save some relationships, *if that's what you want to do* -- but some relationships are beyond saving. Al-Anon encourages you to take some time before making any big life-changing decisions, but ultimately, you make the decision that's best for you, and sometimes that means leaving the alcoholic. I made a decision to stay with the alcoholic in my life. And I'm glad that I did.
Al-Anon isn't the only way to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. What I find comforting is that it feels good to be among those who have the same problem and have been affected by alcoholism. We share similar patterns of behavior and emotions. And we share about our solutions.
This is a program that isn't a cure all. It works for me if I take it seriously. I look on this as a spiritual program that has enhanced my life. There are other ways to get help for co-dependent behavior with an alcoholic. I tried therapy and never understood why I was so angry and miserable. I resisted going to Al-Anon for years, but eventually found that it helped me to understand more about myself than therapy did.
I know that I deserve to have a healthy meeting. So when I find myself in a meeting where there is dominance, cross talk, or religion, I share my own experience, strength and hope that is based in the steps and traditions.
It is wonderful to know that there is somewhere that I can go to be with people who share a common interest in recovering from the effects of alcoholism.
I think that the regular meetings I attend are healthy. We have a step meeting, a tradition meeting, a literature meeting, and an open discussion meeting each month. Members follow the traditions which guide the group in their interaction with other groups and how members interact with each other.
That being said, each group is autonomous. There isn't a one size fits all kind of format. And I have been to some unhealthy meetings in the past. So I can attest to the fact that not all Al-Anon meetings follow the three legacies of recovery, unity and service. Some are filled with discussions of problems (self-pity and hostile martyrdom) with no solutions offered. And some are filled with endless talk about the alcoholic and how he/she is to blame.
What makes a meeting healthy, in my opinion, is one in which the traditions are practiced. Some of the most important words for me to remember from the traditions are unity, authority, anonymity, and outside issues.
Religion is an outside issue and seems to be one of the most misunderstood part of meetings. I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of any organized religion. Religion is not something that I want to hear at meetings. When people pass out poems of platitude and offer up biblical sayings, I want to roll my eyes. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, however. And the God of our understanding is mentioned, as is a Higher Power (HP). Whatever a person believes to be more powerful than they are is their HP.
We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world: Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon, etc. People may have Nature as their Higher Power. Perhaps the group or a sponsor is their HP. Many are Christian in their beliefs. I'm not offended by what others believe. I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.
Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window. Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew. If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an, that would be my Bible. If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous and create divisiveness.
So, I think unity and harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings. Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. If a person is uncomfortable about the Lord's Prayer, then they can step back and not say it. They can also call for a group conscience to ask that another closing be used. I am glad that everyone is included in Al-Anon regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.
Dominance (authority) is another obstacle to success in having a healthy group. Dominance means that egos run the meetings. There isn't much room for spirituality when ego has run amuck. I have heard the saying that ego means "edging God out". I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door. There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do. If the Al-Anon "police" are at a meeting, then it may not be particularly healthy.
Anonymity is important and makes a meeting safe. Talking about others or the reason they are attending meetings is not healthy. Gossip is hurtful. To me, meetings must be a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic. While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.
Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me. I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power. It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings about what I was doing.
I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself. I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems. That is not my business. But treating others in a dignified way is my business. Gossip robs me and others of dignity.
A healthy meeting is where you can share with others and learn from their experiences. Yes, there are slogans and expressions that may seem corny at first. I remember when I kept hearing "Let Go and Let God" at meetings, it made me want to leave/heave. I disliked that slogan so much. Now I realize that letting go means to quit tugging so hard at someone and let their own HP, what ever it may be, guide them. When I stopped resisting and started listening, I found out that "take what you like, and leave the rest" is taken very seriously in Al-Anon.
Another sign of a healthy meeting is when no one gives advice and tells you what to do. This is a program in which we share our experience, strength, and hope. It does not mean that I tell another person how to live their life. In a healthy meeting, no one tells you whether to stay in a relationship with your alcoholic. A meeting isn't group therapy where we "cross talk" or give advice.
In a healthy meeting, you may learn some tools that can help save some relationships, *if that's what you want to do* -- but some relationships are beyond saving. Al-Anon encourages you to take some time before making any big life-changing decisions, but ultimately, you make the decision that's best for you, and sometimes that means leaving the alcoholic. I made a decision to stay with the alcoholic in my life. And I'm glad that I did.
Al-Anon isn't the only way to recover from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. What I find comforting is that it feels good to be among those who have the same problem and have been affected by alcoholism. We share similar patterns of behavior and emotions. And we share about our solutions.
This is a program that isn't a cure all. It works for me if I take it seriously. I look on this as a spiritual program that has enhanced my life. There are other ways to get help for co-dependent behavior with an alcoholic. I tried therapy and never understood why I was so angry and miserable. I resisted going to Al-Anon for years, but eventually found that it helped me to understand more about myself than therapy did.
I know that I deserve to have a healthy meeting. So when I find myself in a meeting where there is dominance, cross talk, or religion, I share my own experience, strength and hope that is based in the steps and traditions.
It is wonderful to know that there is somewhere that I can go to be with people who share a common interest in recovering from the effects of alcoholism.
Friday, November 1, 2013
A victim of self-centered fear
Today an old friend celebrated 23 years without a drink. A lot has happened in the last couple of years for him. He was out of work for about three years but now has a steady job. He also seldom goes to AA meetings anymore. Most likely, he will go to one to pick up his medallion. I remember when he would go to 3-4 meetings a week. And now he probably hasn't been to one is over six months.
I know that he suffers from ADHD. And he still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years of sobriety. But what he does with his recovery isn't any of my business. I am glad that he has celebrated another year of sobriety. I can't help but wonder what he would be like if he were attending meetings and had a sponsor. But I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.
Self-centered fear is described as being "the chief activator of our defects" in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. The fear stems from thinking "that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." I see my friend as having a lot of fear and frustration.
Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around. I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere. I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves. Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not, tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are. People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.
What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness? I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative. But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.
I don't know if my friend has victim mentality. I know that I did for a long time. I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in. No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse. I did that willingly. When I came face to face with my own victim mentality, I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.
Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others. I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse. I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why. I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.
I know that he suffers from ADHD. And he still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years of sobriety. But what he does with his recovery isn't any of my business. I am glad that he has celebrated another year of sobriety. I can't help but wonder what he would be like if he were attending meetings and had a sponsor. But I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.
Self-centered fear is described as being "the chief activator of our defects" in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. The fear stems from thinking "that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." I see my friend as having a lot of fear and frustration.
Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around. I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere. I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves. Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not, tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are. People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.
What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness? I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative. But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.
I don't know if my friend has victim mentality. I know that I did for a long time. I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in. No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse. I did that willingly. When I came face to face with my own victim mentality, I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.
Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others. I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse. I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why. I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
If you want what we have......
With so many people in pain from the misery of living with an alcoholic, I wonder what it actually takes for them to eventually realize that they too have been affected by the disease. Yet, day in and day out, they struggle along as a caregiver, angry spouse, unhappy person who puts on so many masks to the world so the world won't know how much pain and sadness the person has.
Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:
There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.
Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.
There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.
I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…
Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.
I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death. Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me. A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.
I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion. And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you? Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.
I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon. I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have. I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable. I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore. I write about living life on life's terms. And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.
My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse. I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant. I didn't understand what a Higher Power was. I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are. Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about. I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days. I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict. I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.
But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day. Misery was truly optional. And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person. I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.
For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are. Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion. Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love. Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing. We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.
The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more. I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day. I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something. But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before. I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life. And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.
Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:
There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.
Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.
There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.
I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…
Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.
I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death. Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me. A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.
I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion. And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you? Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.
I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon. I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have. I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable. I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore. I write about living life on life's terms. And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.
My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse. I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant. I didn't understand what a Higher Power was. I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are. Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about. I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days. I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict. I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.
But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day. Misery was truly optional. And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person. I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.
For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are. Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion. Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love. Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing. We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.
The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more. I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day. I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something. But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before. I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life. And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
A great week
We had a great week of vacation. And the last couple of days at the AA/Al-Anon conference were good. I am probably prejudiced but thought that the Al-Anon speaker was inspiring.
One of the things that she mentioned was how prevalent denial is in a home with alcoholism. Saying everything is "Fine" is status quo. The truth won't be revealed because putting up a front to the outside world is so important.
When I started this blog, I used the title of "I'm Just F.I.N.E" because that's what I would always say if someone asked me how I was. I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was really feeling! I would change the meaning of that acronym today from "f__ked, insecure, neurotic and emotional" to something a lot more positive. Maybe something like "free, involved, nice and energetic" seems more accurate now.
I certainly don't feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I no longer believe that I am responsible for the happiness of others. And I don't feel alone with my problems being foremost in my head.
Having a solution to what seemed like insurmountable unhappiness is an incredible thing. I am lucky in so many ways to still have dreams that I want to fulfill, rather than grieving those that were unavailable and unrealistic.
Yes, it has been a good week. I sometimes forget how things used to be. But as a measure of how far we have come, I can tell you it is miraculous.
One of the things that she mentioned was how prevalent denial is in a home with alcoholism. Saying everything is "Fine" is status quo. The truth won't be revealed because putting up a front to the outside world is so important.
When I started this blog, I used the title of "I'm Just F.I.N.E" because that's what I would always say if someone asked me how I was. I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was really feeling! I would change the meaning of that acronym today from "f__ked, insecure, neurotic and emotional" to something a lot more positive. Maybe something like "free, involved, nice and energetic" seems more accurate now.
I certainly don't feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I no longer believe that I am responsible for the happiness of others. And I don't feel alone with my problems being foremost in my head.
Having a solution to what seemed like insurmountable unhappiness is an incredible thing. I am lucky in so many ways to still have dreams that I want to fulfill, rather than grieving those that were unavailable and unrealistic.
Yes, it has been a good week. I sometimes forget how things used to be. But as a measure of how far we have come, I can tell you it is miraculous.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Thoughts on the movie Bill W.
We went to see the movie "Bill W." yesterday. I had heard that it was good. Many of the local AA and Al-Anon groups were going to see it. So we went on a date to the movies.
I have to say that the talking and munching of popcorn stopped when the movie started. No one made a sound during the entire movie. It was enthralling for me. I had read some biographies on Bill and Lois but to hear his voice and to see so many archived photos of him was truly wonderful.
The movie started by someone saying “Bill Wilson was a stinking, rotten drunk.” And the story of how he became that drunk and went on to start AA is played out on the screen with some re-enactments but mostly through onscreen interviews with A.A. historians and authors, with current members whose faces are filmed in shadow to preserve anonymity, and through the words of Bill himself. Then there are the poignant typed excerpts from letters written by Wilson and from his wife Lois' diary.
I have to say that seeing the steps scroll past in the film and hearing about how AA was about to fall apart when Bill wrote the twelve traditions was really moving for me. I love the traditions and wish that more people understood just how important they are in keeping meetings and relationships alive. I thought that his own personal struggles with depression when he felt trapped as the "deity" of AA was another part of the film that I found particularly sad.
He isn't put on a pedestal in the film. His use of LSD and marital infidelity is discussed. And his explanation that he is just an ordinary man with character defects brought home the enormous pressure that he must have been under to get AA going, keep it going, and to not be deified by the organization. On his deathbed, he asked for liquor. He tried to make Lois feel guilty for not giving it to him. His asking for booze at the end of his life was explained by his not being in his right mind. At the same time, another says alcoholism is "cunning, baffling and powerful".
At the end of the movie, there are facts that scroll down the page: 30 million copies of the book Alcoholics Anonymous that have been sold, there are 2 million members in 170 countries, and about 60 recovery programs that use the 12-step approach. Powerful stuff.
“He piloted this course out of the very deep woods that alcoholism is,” one recovering alcoholic says in the film. So very true.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Let's talk about anger
I spent a few beautiful days on the boat. Fall mornings are cool with wonderfully warm afternoons. It was a good time to walk, take photos, read and relax.
It looks as if the men's meeting is going to go forward. We will get together every couple of weeks, read some recovery literature and talk about what we have read. The next meeting is going to be on the boat. After the meeting hour, we will have time to socialize and have a cup of coffee or tea and some snacks. I think having this meeting is going to be fun. The idea is to have a small group of fellows who can open up to each other, have a flexible meeting format (i.e. not worry about cross-talk), and forge some closer ties.
Our first book is going to be on anger. That's something that I think each of us has experienced and will benefit from discussing. I have evolved in recovery to the point that I don't lash out in anger. I have learned about restraint of tongue (and pen). Yet, there are still times that I can feel the angry retort on the tip of my tongue. And those situations are usually when I perceive an injustice, lack of respect, or just plain selfishness in another.
I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of the human brain. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.
I have not been a demonstrative rager. I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I tried to be reasonable and be the placater. And when that didn't work, I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment to my wife. And all the while inside I was fuming, angry at her and at myself most of all.
I don't do much self-righteous fuming now. I speak up when something bothers me. I think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough to discuss. Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me.
If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I like a reasonable dialogue rather than blowing someone away with anger. It is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Once out of my mouth, I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart from my own anger.
There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships. I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those are taking me on the higher road to kindness.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Drunk dreams
I awoke from a terrible dream this morning that my wife had started drinking again. I was re-living in the dream the nightmare of being with her at a concert where she was drunk and stumbling.
These dreams are not new. The venue may change but the recurring theme is that we are to meet somewhere, but I can't find her. When I do find her, she is drunk. The dreams are vivid and realistic. Fortunately, this is the first such dream that I have had in a long time.
I've read that dreams about something traumatic are common among those who suffer from PTSD. A therapist once told me that she thought that is what I had from all the years of being around alcoholics. I don't know whether that is true or not. I have often been baffled by my dreams though. The ones that I remember the most are troubling and leave me with a feeling of fear and great anxiety when I awake.
I wonder if the events of the past are encrypted in the neural pathways of my brain to such an extent that no amount of recovery will erase them. Maybe not. I have found in recovery a way to understand the nature of my anxiety around alcoholism. But there are still unresolved aspects that no doubt spill over into dreams. Yesterday, I was meeting with a fellow I sponsor who is doing his fourth step (a searching and fearless moral inventory of self). He brought up his feelings of guilt and shame towards his parents and brother. Some pretty stark and ugly emotions are discussed in the process of recovery. Maybe those emotions in the unconscious mind spill over into the dream world as a reminder of what I have experienced. Maybe there is something that I can learn from these dreams.
What I realize after waking from the "trauma" of a drunk dream is that:
• Drunk dreams are not unusual for either an alcoholic or a person affected by someone else's alcoholism
• Drunk dreams aren't reality but a recycling of something from the past.
• These dreams are a part of processing emotions.
• I can use the dreams as tools for self-discovery and spiritual progress.
Here are some more thoughts on the power and purpose of dreams from Gayle Greene, Ph.D. :
When people are awakened out of REM and given a word to associate to, their associations are more novel, more original than in other stages of sleep; they "ignore the obvious and put together things that make a kind of crazy unexpected kind of sense." Dreams..... are where we bring things together in fresh, often startling ways, drawing on stores of knowledge from the past, the present, the possible, to find new associations. Dreams may help us find new patterns and create combinations that break through well-worn ruts.
I swear, I write better when I awake out of one of those intense, thrashing-it-through dreams. Even a troubling dream, a dream that churns up stuff I'd rather shove under the carpet, even a dream barely remembered, much less understood, seems to provide some kind of fluency, dream energy, fuel for thought. Those are the days that the words and images come, tumble out so fast that my fingers on the keys can barely keep up. I don't know how it works, but it does seem to work.
And creativity isn't just for writers or artists, it's about basic survival, about finding new paths, figuring out what to do when something goes drastically wrong on the highway, in a marriage, in a work situation. We live in a complex world. We need our brains to be firing on all cylinders; we need to think creatively, flexibly, as we negotiate relationships with colleagues, co-workers, family, friends.
Much food for thought. I know that the visions of that dream are still in my head. Maybe by putting these thoughts down, I have a better understanding that what was once a reality for me has been transformed into a new awareness in recovery.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Redundancy
I can tell you that I want to stay inside the house, finish doing some painting in the garage, take a nap, read a book--and not go out into the pouring rain. We have been keeping up to date on TS Isaac as it approaches Louisiana. I certainly hope that the people and their animals and dwellings will be out of harm's way. This is a big storm even if it is not a hurricane. I know that I will breathe easier when the end of September comes, and hurricane season is just about over.
Tonight, I will be sharing my story at the end of the month anniversary celebration. I feel as if I am shared out on it. When I told it at my home group meeting earlier in the month, that seemed like enough for me. But this is a different group of people who haven't heard my story or that of another person whose birthday is being celebrated tonight. I'll keep it short to focus on recovery. Going back over the painful times is part of my experience but is not nearly as compelling to me as what has happened since recovery. I am happy to move beyond the past and not dwell there.
I sometimes think that I want to stop blogging. I have so little to write about now. It seems that I've said what I wanted to say. Yet, I am still drawn to our little community of bloggers and feel vested in their lives. I don't want to become redundant. And somewhere in the following quote by Scarlett Thomas is a fear of redundancy. I have to say that among those things listed, I fear so few of them. I am thinking that I have really learned to let go of a whole lot. That is not redundancy but progress.
"I now sense the howling spectre of something else: layers upon layers of other people's fears. There are misty representations of money burning, of someone being fisted by his own father, of toys that tell you to "fuck off" and then rip out your throat, of the idea that there is no such thing as reality, of someone being abducted by an alien and being strapped to a table in a white lab, of nuclear war, of a child drowning, of hundreds of children drowning, of it being all YOUR FAULT, of choking on fish bones, of lung cancer, of bowel cancer, of brain tumors, of spiders--thousands and thousands of spiders, of a prolapsed uterus, of sleep apnea, of eating, of any kind of sex, of rats, of cockroaches, of plastic bags, of heights, of planes, of the Bermuda Traingle, of the live rail, of ghosts, of terrorism, of cocktail parties, of crowds, of the dentist, of choking on your tongue, of your own feet, of dreams, of grown-ups, of ice cubes, of false teeth, of Father Christmas, of getting old, of your parents dying, of what you might do to yourself, of coffins, of alcohol, of suicide, of blood, of not being able to take heroin again, of the thing behind the curtains, of soot, of spaceships, of DVT, of horses, of fast cars, of people, of paper, of knives, of dogs, of redundancy, of being late, of being seen naked, of scabs, of leap years, of UFOs, of dragons, of poison, of accordion music, of torture, of any kind of authority, of being kicked while you just lie on the ground trying to protect your head until you become unconscious and can't protect yourself anymore."
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Six years for C.
The rain yesterday was peaceful. I stayed home for the entire day. We cooked some delicious salmon for lunch, made a blueberry dessert for C.'s meeting tonight, read, worked on paperwork for her parents and the financials with that, and took a nap. When my wife left for her doctor's appointment, I decided to head to the gym for an hour of lifting weights and treadmill work.
I had to force myself to leave the cocoon of the house. We have lived in several homes over the years but nothing like this one that we had custom built. There's something special about each house where we lived because we had experiences, good and bad, in each. I can remember every room and all the things that we did to make each one attractive and "home".
But this house that we put our own hand in building is special. We painted every room, varnished all the doors, put up sheet rock and insulation, helped install the wood floors that are throughout the house, cleared the debris from building, and designed and planted the gardens. And I believe that what makes the house most special are the quiet surroundings of the woods and fields.
Out of every window I see green--trees, gardens, ferns, bushes and lawn. This is a subtropical climate so lush vegetation is common. And the animals seem to find a particular haven here. There are deer that sleep near the top of the drive, wild turkeys that cross the dirt drive, the "raccoon tree" where babies crawl up and down and out on limbs, and the birds that come to the multitude of feeders set up on a maple tree in the back yard.
And this is the house where we finally came to a decision about our lives together. It was either going to be a life where C. got sober or where we parted ways. Her drinking had escalated over the years to the point where she was drunk most every evening. She wasn't sloppy drunk every night. That was reserved for special occasions when we would go to a social event, or people would come here. But evenings she would sip wine, saying that she needed to unwind or relax. I believed her for a while but realized that she was drinking more and more.
I remember her telling me that I should keep the house and she would move out. And I said that I wanted to go because there were too many memories here. Thankfully, it didn't come to either of us leaving. She went to her first AA meeting six years ago this week. Today she will celebrate that at her home group meeting. I am glad for her. Glad that she found a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other and who are sober and productive people.
I'm glad that she got sober in AA and in this house. No treatment centers, no detox but in a house that we built together and with a meeting in the basement of an old country church. I am grateful for so much.
I had to force myself to leave the cocoon of the house. We have lived in several homes over the years but nothing like this one that we had custom built. There's something special about each house where we lived because we had experiences, good and bad, in each. I can remember every room and all the things that we did to make each one attractive and "home".
But this house that we put our own hand in building is special. We painted every room, varnished all the doors, put up sheet rock and insulation, helped install the wood floors that are throughout the house, cleared the debris from building, and designed and planted the gardens. And I believe that what makes the house most special are the quiet surroundings of the woods and fields.
Out of every window I see green--trees, gardens, ferns, bushes and lawn. This is a subtropical climate so lush vegetation is common. And the animals seem to find a particular haven here. There are deer that sleep near the top of the drive, wild turkeys that cross the dirt drive, the "raccoon tree" where babies crawl up and down and out on limbs, and the birds that come to the multitude of feeders set up on a maple tree in the back yard.
And this is the house where we finally came to a decision about our lives together. It was either going to be a life where C. got sober or where we parted ways. Her drinking had escalated over the years to the point where she was drunk most every evening. She wasn't sloppy drunk every night. That was reserved for special occasions when we would go to a social event, or people would come here. But evenings she would sip wine, saying that she needed to unwind or relax. I believed her for a while but realized that she was drinking more and more.
I remember her telling me that I should keep the house and she would move out. And I said that I wanted to go because there were too many memories here. Thankfully, it didn't come to either of us leaving. She went to her first AA meeting six years ago this week. Today she will celebrate that at her home group meeting. I am glad for her. Glad that she found a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other and who are sober and productive people.
I'm glad that she got sober in AA and in this house. No treatment centers, no detox but in a house that we built together and with a meeting in the basement of an old country church. I am grateful for so much.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Ninety Days, Just Ninety Days
The new book by Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery, begins where Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man ends. Mr. Clegg, an admitted crack addict, has been released from the psych ward at Lenox Hill Hospital after a two-month bender that ended in a suicide attempt. He has lost his business, his money, his partner, and most of his friends.
Thus begins his journey to achieve 90 days free of alcohol and substance abuse. He sees this as the Holy Grail of achievement, becoming the one thing that he needs to accomplish. The magical "ninety-in-ninety" in which he goes to ninety meetings in ninety days, is seen as his ticket back to some semblance of the life that he used to have before drug addiction.
But what happens, just short of 90 days, is he relapses. It is one of those split second decisions that a non-addict doesn't understand. He is alone in his own apartment when the thoughts of getting high take over. In his words, "CALL SOMEONE! I say out loud, but even as I say the words I know it's too late. My mind whizzes with ways to get drugs." He visits the dealer and doesn't return home for two days.
The story of his struggle with relapsing is something that is only too familiar to those who know about addiction. Mr. Clegg struggles to understand why his mind goes "less than a moment between fleeting thought and full-blown fantasy" about using.
When he finally realizes that there is something beyond his own need and ability, a connection to something greater than his addiction, the reader has been on a roller coaster ride of lies, shame, relapses--the unremitting insanity of addiction.
I think that these words in the book sum up how Mr. Clegg eventually makes the decision that he is done: "All you had to do was get honest, get sober, and offer help to a few addicts and alcoholics along the way." If you or others that you know have been affected by alcoholism or addiction, this is a book filled with hope. And it offers a solution that the author found.
The book is an intense and quick read. I wanted him to achieve his goal of ninety days. And every time he hit rock bottom, I was hoping it was the last time. This is an honest book about addiction. It chronicles the insanity of the disease and the landscape of recovery: The repetition of meetings, those who cycle in and out to use again, the slogans, the sponsors, the addicts who are struggling to make their own ninety days stick and to keep going one day after another. What it may give those of us who aren't addicts is a bit more compassion for those who are sick and suffering.
"If you are struggling with drugs and alcohol, go to the rooms where alcoholics and addicts go to get and stay sober. These rooms and the people in them are your best chance. Listen to them, be honest with them. Help them--even if you think you have nothing to offer. Be helped by them. Depend on them and be depended on. And if the only thing you can do is show up, do it. Then do it again. And when it's the last thing you want to do and the last place you want to go, go. Just go. You have no idea who you might be helping just by sitting there or who might help you." ~ Bill Clegg, Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery
Ninety Days: A Memoir of Recovery by Bill Clegg
Published by Little, Brown and Company
Publishing Date: April 10, 2012
ISBN-10: 0316122521
ISBN-13: 978-0316122528
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Keeping my mouth shut
I went to visit my father-in-law yesterday. He was confused, not making much sense when I was talking with him. Until yesterday, all his days in the nursing home had been good. He had walked around the halls, gone to the physical rehab gym, read magazines, and talked with the staff. Yesterday, he wasn't coherent and was in bed.
The confusion may be relating to the levels of ammonia building up in his brain. So he is being given lactulose to try and remedy that condition. Cirrhosis of the liver inhibits removal of ammonia, a byproduct of protein breakdown, which then builds up and causes confusion.
My wife has not gone to see her father yet. She says that she simply isn't ready to see him. Today she flew to DC to pick up a lifetime achievement award for her scientific work. I talked to her a few minutes ago, and she said that it was a nice ceremony. I know that she needed this break for just a couple of days to see colleagues, friends, and former students. She also said that she wants to see her dad when she gets back. I think that will be a good idea.
I know that each of us has to deal with uncomfortable situations in our own time. I know that I want her to visit her dad. But I won't tell her what to do. I would like for her to have a sponsor. I feel strongly that having a sponsor is important in recovery. But how she works her program is not my business.
It's good that I have learned to keep my mouth shut, even when sometimes I have to bite my tongue hard. It is so tempting to direct the lives of others. Allowing her to make the choices that she wants without interference from me keeps us on good terms with each other. It allows her to figure out what works without my interference. And that makes life a lot easier.
"Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut". ~Winston S. Churchill
Monday, December 19, 2011
Miracles among us
Tonight we went to a holiday "eating" meeting. There was a ton of good food. Lots of ham, turkey, baked beans, casseroles, including the required green bean casserole. Man, I love that stuff.
After every one had chowed down and socialized, the AA speaker was introduced. He had a great story filled with lots of 7 AM drinking escapades, loss of jobs, loss of family, black outs, and much more insanity. A good drunkalog is better than a book on tape. It amazes me that people who are hopeless drunks can get sober, work the steps, work with others, and be of service to the fellowship in countless ways. This fellow had done it all and was now 31 years sober. What a miracle!
The Al-Anon speaker was also good. I had heard her story before but every time, something different will emerge. Yes, we Al-Anons do some crazy stuff in our magnetic attraction to alcoholics. She married two of them, has an alcoholic son, and a couple of other alcoholics in her family. Her saga of finally realizing that she could not help her son get sober reminded me of what so many bloggers are going through. She said it really tested her program to stop enabling her son. She had to work all the steps again after she stopped helping him. Her heart was wounded. Once he got sober, they reconnected and rebuilt their strained relationship. Another miracle.
I don't know if you have holiday dinners at your meetings, but if you hear of one, think about going. The speakers are generally quite good. And it doesn't hurt to be reminded of the miracles that recovery can bring. I know that every day there is something wonderful happening. It just helps for me to occasionally be reminded by hearing someone tell how their life of despair and hopelessness was changed. A true miracle.
There are days when I think I don't believe anymore. When I think I've grown too old for miracles. And that's right when another seems to happen.--Dana Reinhardt (The Summer I Learned to Fly).
After every one had chowed down and socialized, the AA speaker was introduced. He had a great story filled with lots of 7 AM drinking escapades, loss of jobs, loss of family, black outs, and much more insanity. A good drunkalog is better than a book on tape. It amazes me that people who are hopeless drunks can get sober, work the steps, work with others, and be of service to the fellowship in countless ways. This fellow had done it all and was now 31 years sober. What a miracle!
The Al-Anon speaker was also good. I had heard her story before but every time, something different will emerge. Yes, we Al-Anons do some crazy stuff in our magnetic attraction to alcoholics. She married two of them, has an alcoholic son, and a couple of other alcoholics in her family. Her saga of finally realizing that she could not help her son get sober reminded me of what so many bloggers are going through. She said it really tested her program to stop enabling her son. She had to work all the steps again after she stopped helping him. Her heart was wounded. Once he got sober, they reconnected and rebuilt their strained relationship. Another miracle.
I don't know if you have holiday dinners at your meetings, but if you hear of one, think about going. The speakers are generally quite good. And it doesn't hurt to be reminded of the miracles that recovery can bring. I know that every day there is something wonderful happening. It just helps for me to occasionally be reminded by hearing someone tell how their life of despair and hopelessness was changed. A true miracle.
There are days when I think I don't believe anymore. When I think I've grown too old for miracles. And that's right when another seems to happen.--Dana Reinhardt (The Summer I Learned to Fly).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)