What makes sense

As I have mentioned before, I live on an island that is rural. No stop lights and only a couple of juke joints/stores.  But I live close enough to the city and suburbia to feel connected to what goes on.  The recent killing of an unarmed man by a police man made national headlines and has created a lot of discussion locally.

I am glad that the actions by the mayor and police chief were swift and averted riots and other civil unrest.  But the basic fact that lethal force was used is chilling.  I am no fan of the police.  I respect that they have a job to do, but I have seen too much of their abuse of power in my life.  I have not been arrested. I have been stopped once for an expired inspection sticker, so I have nothing of a personal nature that generates the fear. But I have images in my head from TV coverage of the Vietnam war protests of the 60's and the brutality of the police during desegregation marches.  Large men with guns and clubs and an attitude don't make me feel comfortable.

I know how tense racial relations are in the deep South and in this state particularly.  The island that I live on is 80% black.  And I feel comfortable with that because I know many of the families, and they are good people.  I wonder at their fear and anxiety. Is it similar to mine? A lot of racial tension is still here. We do our best to cover it up and pretend otherwise. Politeness abounds at the surface.  But racism remains like a scab over a deep rotting wound.  The only thing that makes sense to me is the sound of the waves breaking on the beach; the sound of the frogs in the wetland near the house; the breath of my horse as he nuzzles me; the concert of birdsong that exploded as the sun rose over the ocean; and the love for others bending and drowning out everything else.

F.I.N.E.

When I first started this blog, I was of a mind that the title would reflect what I was feeling most of the time. When anyone would ask, I would say that I was "fine".

In reality I was anything but that. In Al-Anon, I learned that feeling FINE actually meant that I was f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That sure seemed to be a good descriptor of what I was like and had felt most of my life.

I received an email from a lady who was reading this blog. She said that she had some up with a new phrase for F.I.N.E. And she wanted to share it with me....Finally Internalizing Normal Emotions. She wrote that living that phrase was a goal and a challenging one at that.

It is a challenge to finally internalize "normal" emotions. I'm glad that I'm learning how to do exchange my resentment, anger, fear and sadness for acceptance, hope, courage and joy. In fact, if asked, you might actually get to hear how I'm doing! I have many more days now when I can honestly say that I'm "great", "happy", "glad to be alive", or "doing well". I guess that I'm really starting to feel "fine".

Humility

Today, I'm waking up to a crisp Easter morning. There's a lot of sunshine and the wind has calmed down from yesterday's stiff breeze. Looking at the water and waves reminds me of my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things. I guess that I'm feeling particularly humble and grateful today.

I've read that humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less. It is letting go of the pretenses and defenses that have been put in place. I was a master at putting on a brave face. Even if I felt like crap, I would pretend to be strong and okay. What I've learned is that I want to be real and to hide nothing, neither the good nor the bad. I'm willing to acknowledge that there are many things that I need to learn and that I have many miles yet to go. I'm grateful to be on the journey.

Mother Theresa obviously knew precisely what humility meant when she said, "If you are humble nothing can touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are."
I hope that each of you has today as one that finds you at peace with yourself.