A small vacation

I am writing this while eating freshly picked blackberries from the garden.  The fruit is large, and the bushes are heavy with ripening berries. It's a cool spring day, good for being outside.  As usual, I have been keeping busy the garden, the animals and exercising.

Sadly, we lost another dog this week.  It was unexpected and quick: osteosarcoma of the spine. Two vertebrae were engulfed by the tumor.  So we made the decision to euthanize. I sat on the floor cradling him for about an hour and telling him what a good boy he was.

Today, I removed his dog bed from the bedroom. I put his toys away, holding them to my nose to inhale the scent of this much loved boy.  No matter what I am not prepared for them to go.  So we are down to two dogs now, and both of those are seniors.

C. has been away for a small vacation.  I missed her with an ache of loneliness.   Things seemed so empty without her being here.  Yesterday, when I picked her up from the airport, I felt as if I was emerging from a fog created by my being alone and mourning the loss of our dog.

We went by the seafood market to get some soft shell crab for dinner. Tossed them in coconut flour and fried in olive oil, they were delicious.  Soft shells are a delicacy that many people don't appreciate, but growing up on Chesapeake Bay, I was exposed to them and other regional culinary delights when I was a child.  Shad roe fried with scrambled eggs, she crab soup, brined mackerel--all good memories.

I took the senior dogs for a walk on Friday evening and captured some of the beauty of the place where we live.  I hope that you enjoy these.

Reset my mind

We had to euthanize our sweet greyhound girl this week.  I knew it was coming because she had kidney and heart disease.  We bought her a lot of time with trips to the veterinary hospital for fluids and medicines.  But eventually, the kidney failure was too much for her. We are both sad that she is gone but know that it was time.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks to childhood.  These are not dreams but happen when I am not highly focused on something. All of a sudden, there will be a vision of me standing in front of a bookcase in the old elementary school library, or me running down the dirt path leading to my cousin's house, or sitting on the stairs at my parents house looking out into the large front yard.

So many of these vivid flashbacks are occurring that I am wondering what it is about.  I have read that these can be caused by unresolved anxiety, or some form of PTSD.  But these aren't unpleasant memories at all--just very vivid and in great detail. I certainly would choose to be in the present and not have all of these thoughts about the past coming up and rushing through my head.  I asked my wife about it, and she said that she has dreams but hasn't experienced the vivid flashbacks that I am having while awake.

Sometimes I do wonder if I may not have inherited some of my family's tendency towards depression.  I hope not because it was a very hard road for both my mother and her father.  And it isn't any journey that I want to go on.

So I am going to stay in the moment by going on the boat this week. The weather is going to be cool.  It seems to reset my mind to go on the boat.  Right now, I am needing a reset for sure.

Sharing some photos of my greyhound girl when she was healthy and could run like the wind. I miss her a lot.

The Great October Flood 2015

It has been an interesting couple of days here. The city and state have been all over the national news because of the flooding from days of constant heavy rain. If you’ve seen any news report or watched The Weather Channel, you’ve seen our devastation.

We were very fortunate on the island. The road to our house is severely damaged. But our house and property remained un-flooded. Other parts of the area were not so lucky. The damage in some areas is tremendous.

Our major concern was getting to the horses at the barn to make sure that they were okay. I walked ahead of the truck to check for sink holes and gullies. The road has been eroded by sheet flow coming off the farm fields. In some places, the holes were several feet deep. 

After we got to the barn, we found some of the fields were flooded.  I moved horses around to put them in un-flooded pastures. Water in a couple of pastures was up to the horse's knees. 

Once the horses were moved, we went about feeding them their hay. They were glad to get it and a bit frantic because horses are creatures of routine.  I have attached a few photos so you can see their happiness at being fed. 

I feel as if my story is so minimal compared to those people who have been displaced, losing their homes and everything they own, aside from what may have been thrown into a bag or two and what they had on their backs.  I saw people with babies being raced into boats to escape the flood waters that took over their homes yesterday.

So it has been a surreal few days. I hear that the sun is supposed to peak through the steel gray sky tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing it. 

One of many road wash outs

A small lake in the big ring

Driving along the flooded road

Pond overflowing into the barn

Overflow of pond

Horses waiting on hay

My boy eating his hay

Gossip

I was floating on a pink cloud being at the barn where I ride my horse.  That is until I found myself surrounded by a whole gaggle of 20'ish females and some 40'ish females who love to gossip.  They gossip about each other, about the barn owner, and about the trainer who says that she knows everything that happens there.  And I am sure that they gossip about me since I am the only male that rides on a regular basis there.

I've never liked gossip.  I can recall my mother and her friends talking on the phone, going on and on about other women.  I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now.  I don't find people so fascinating that I want to think or talk about them for hours.  I suppose that if one would examine motives, it's all about tearing down others.  And that has to have something to do with ego.

I understand why gossip is considered one of the obstacles to success in recovery in Al-Anon.  Here is what we read at meetings about it: We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al‑Anon philosophy. In such groups, gossip can have no part. We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic. Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al‑Anon. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings can defeat the very purposes for which we are joined together.

Not gossiping means to me that there is a safe place in the rooms of recovery where I can share without fear of having it repeated.  I have become more cautious though at meetings because I realize that not everyone recognizes how destructive gossip can be.  Breaking a person's anonymity through gossip can have severe consequences for their business, family, and general well being. And it can damage the harmony of a group.

As far as being at the barn, I know that the less I say, the better off I am.  I go about my business of riding; however, it is a little more difficult now when I realize that the shortcomings of a few people have tarnished the experience a bit. I keep in mind the words of a fellow I know in recovery: "Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut" seems particularly apropos in so many situations.

My horse has had an abscess in his hoof.  I have been treating it with soaks in Epsom salts and slathering some nasty drawing salve called Ichthymol ointment on the bottom of his hoof.  Fortunately, it is getting much better and should be healed up in time for his showing debut at the end of the month.  The abscess seems to have come from bacteria entering the hoof as a result of so much rain and the pastures draining poorly.

Here is the boy keeping an eye on me.  We keep an eye on each other, but he is constantly looking for an apple or carrots!

Not just one day

I am doing my best to be happy in this time when there are so many things going wrong with the world. Little kids and teachers are killed by terrorists.  The police and citizens are killing each other. And it all seems that the world has gone madder than usual lately.

In the midst of it, I escape to the barn and to ride my horse. He is adjusting well, and his closeness and nuzzling of my hair and chest fill me with love.  It is a simple uncomplicated love here.  Not much asked of each other except respect and good manners.

I hear at meetings the sadness of those who are struggling with family and the expectations of Christmas.  It is another day, albeit one that has lost meaning in its commercialization. For me, every day needs to be about caring and kindness, compassion and empathy.  Not just one day. Every day.

I am at a loss to understand the amount of dysfunction in the world. I cannot change the hearts of madmen and murderers.  I watch the garden growing and see the dogs playing. I hug and hold my beloved close at night. I go to the boat to have a night alone and listen to the waves slap the hull.  And I whisper to my horse and feed him carrots, knowing that I will be with him to the end.

My thoughts are with those who are sick and suffering today.  I wish that I could touch you and hold you and whisper that all will be okay.  And that what isn't okay today may be righted for you tomorrow. I hope so, and send that thought out to the universe and a world in chaos.  Not just one day, but every day I wish you peace.

PS: I just learned that dear Kathleen over at Sittin on a Porch died this morning. Her last post was beautiful.  You can read it here. And then this quote on her page:

Everyone dies. I died. Someone let the air out of my balloon. I'm free. Don't focus on the left over carcass of a deflated balloon. Open up a window. Blow up a balloon. Life/death. It's just a breath away. ~Susan Hunt

If I had a pony

The leaves are falling from the trees here with the last bits of bright color from the gums and maples.  The weather has been unusually warm for the past week. It has actually been really beautiful to be outside and to ride on the farm with all the trees ablaze.

I spent a few days in north Florida at a horse breeding farm. I rode many times a day, trying out different horses.  Ultimately, I chose an older dressage schoolmaster who was imported to the US several years ago.  I had a pre-sale veterinary check done on him, and he received a glowing report. So I am wiring the money tomorrow, and he will arrive sometime this week to his new home here with us.

After making the decision to get him, I struggled for several hours with the feeling that I don't deserve to have him. I felt a bit of panic and anxiety over the responsibility and the idea that I am being frivolous in spending quite a bit of money on a horse.

These feelings aren't new.  I have struggled for many years with the idea that I am not deserving of "things".  My parents made sure that I knew how much things cost and how I was to take care of what I had because something would not be replaced if I broke it.  They bought me cars and a horse, nice clothes, paid for college--yet, I had the feeling that I needed to realize how lucky I was.  And I did feel lucky and grateful but not deserving.

I don't think these feelings are unusual for someone growing up around heavy drinkers or alcoholics.  The low self-esteem generates feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy.  The interesting thing for me is that I didn't feel this way when I got my sailboats.  But purchasing a horse seems to make me wonder if I am not thrusting myself into a world where snobby people stand around and sip on fancy drinks and talk about the latest hunt club gossip.  That makes me anxious because I don't like gossip or fake people.

I realize that I am building up a lot of this in my head.  We have the money to have a horse and maintain him.  I enjoy riding and live in an area where there are lots of trails and horse farms.  The dressage barn is within walking distance of our place. I know the logical answers to my fears.  Yet, I still alternate between being excited and having anxiety over having something I want that seems not necessary, not critical to my survival.

I am sure that when he arrives this week, my feelings will be those of excitement. My wife is happy and excited.  I talk to her about my anxiety and she tells me that I have not gotten over missing a horse for many years. Now things have come full circle, and the time is now to have another. She loves the idea of my getting him and being able to visit him to groom and feed with carrots.

Funny how the mind reruns the old tapes of "you're not good enough" when there needs to be joy instead.   Anyway, here he is.  He will be here soon. His call name is Star (His registered name is something long and difficult to pronounce). Hopefully, there will be years of adventures together.  I don't think he will fit on my boat. But the song of Lyle Lovett comes to mind:

If I had a boat

I'd go out on the ocean

And if I had a pony

I'd ride him on my boat

And we could all together

Go out on the ocean

Me upon my pony on my boat

Letting go of Pandora

Today, we are taking our 18 year old cat, Pandora, to be euthanized. It is time. She has steadily been losing weight and what little she eats goes through her. Her breathing is labored and she is lethargic today.  We give our animals every opportunity to tell us when the time has come. And now it has.

Pandora belonged to my wife's parents who adopted her as a one year old. Mom and Pop loved that cat. We got Christmas and birthday cards from Pandora. And Pandora was the one who was with Mom when she died, having moved from the adjacent bed to lie next to Mom on the day before and the day after she died. Pandora then came to live with us, adapting to the other cats slowly but relishing the attention given to her.

It seems oddly coincidental that Pandora looks like a skeleton, having lost so much weight over the past month.  She is the cat version of what Pop looked like before he died.  "Failure to thrive" seems to happen to both humans and animals when life has dwindled to the point where the body is wasting away. Every time I look at her now and stroke her bony frame, it tears at my heart because I am reminded of Pop's last days.

I don't have much more to say about this. Our love for animals is huge.  But the animals tell us when they are sick and suffering. Keep us in your thoughts as we carry on with letting go of Pandora.

Pandora on the bed after Mom died

Gardening time and giving back

It has been a beautiful Sunday here--bright blue skies, low humidity and warm temperatures.  Neither of us felt like doing much yesterday when it was overcast and blustery.  But today, we broke out the tiller, hoes, and rakes and got most of the garden ready for planting.

The garden--a lot of work!

Some good earth with compost added ready for planting. 

Strawberry plants with some ripening berries. 

Raggamuffin, the kitty, checking out what's happening in the garden. He follows me around like a dog. 

The strawberries are ripening, and a few other plants are in the ground. I'm glad that we held off on getting everything planted because the cold snap a few weeks ago would most likely have killed off some of the tender plants.  Today, Ragamuffin, one of our cats, decided to sneak outside and help out in the garden. He stays very close and watches everything that goes on.

We are having a 21st birthday party for a member of the fellowship next week. This young lady has worked the steps, is doing service work, and is a great example of Al-Anon.  Some of you know her story because you donated to her college fund. The great news is that she has aced her entrance exams and will be starting school in early June.  She doesn't currently have enough money to pay for a semester so she will be taking classes while she works.  She is determined to be the first from her family to have a professional career. I think that those who know her understand her determination to succeed.

I have heard it stated over and over in Al-Anon that the groups and people need to be self-supporting through their own contributions (Tradition Seven).  I know that this came about so that groups wouldn't ask for outside contributions and that alcoholics would not be enabled through family and friends giving them money. What if someone is really deserving and needs a little help?  I see no problem with helping someone out who is in need.  And I don't expect to be repaid. I have a philosophy about money that it is to be used for comfortable living and if one has enough, then it is to be shared to help others.  Philanthropy is a great thing, because even small amounts can help others.

I know people who hoard their money, keeping account of every dime. Most of these people are elderly and quite a few are millionaires.  I imagine they are hoarding to give to their children because they don't appear to be spending it on themselves. Somehow I like the old bumper sticker that said "I'm spending my children's inheritance."

I remember how my parents saved their money. I learned from them to be cautious about spending. I didn't worship money but had concerns about how to pay bills and to be self-supporting. It took a few arguments and some deep soul searching with my wife to get over being afraid to spend money. She taught me to be generous. I didn't realize that generosity was uplifting to the spirit. Relaxing my grip on the household finances was an important part of recovery for me. And a huge stress reducer.

I don't plan to die a wealthy person.  But if my some strange coincidence I do, then a fellowship has been set up to help out Ph.D. students who are in need of funding at one of our alma maters. One way of giving back. There are many other ways to help out those in need. It's important in so many ways.

Snakes, credit cards and anxieties

Today has been a Monday occurring on a Tuesday with Friday the 13th thrown in. A series of irritations started off the day, the most major of which was having one of our credit cards used for purchases we didn't make.  It's good that the credit card company caught this, and with several phone calls, the issue was resolved by being issued a new credit card. Modern day problems. Small stuff but irritating nonetheless.

And then the copperhead showed up while the landscapers were working. We had a couple of these venomous snakes in one of the paddocks last week. I generally capture them and put them in a bucket to take to the wooded area across the road from the house.  What to do with two of them made more aggressive due to mating?  Well, those two were dispatched, while the one today was captured and left to slither away into the woods across the road. The landscapers were warned about the snaked earlier in the day and laughed. Now, they are bit more cautious--this isn't suburbia but the country with an assortment of critters, some of which are dangerous.

But here's what's really on my mind. I have been concerned lately about my wife's anxiety that comes and goes. Most days are good, but then there are times when she is more anxious. She clenches her jaw and has begun to grind her teeth.  Sometimes words don't come as easily to her in a sentence.  I am hoping these are related to depression/anxiety and not any kind of progressive aphasia. Because of her mother's dementia, I have concerns when she can't remember a word or seems forgetful and distracted when talking to me.  Because this only happens occasionally, I haven't worried. This morning, I think it happened because she was anxious about the credit card situation, the landscapers being here, and the snake hubbub.  I am trying to figure out a way to gently ask her about it and perhaps ask her to discuss it with her physician who she will see on Thursday. It is a delicate subject.

I know that when it comes to the love of my life, I want her to be safe and free of worry.  I naturally want to protect her.  Knowing that I may not be able to is indeed difficult.  So I will wait for the right moment to broach the subject and see what she says.  There's not much more that I can do.  I am leaving a lot of this up to a power greater than me.

Content in boredom

We have been enjoying the wildlife camera (Bird Cam Pro) that I gave to my wife for Christmas.  I have to say that the wireless connection wasn't easy so I spent about a full day trying to get that set up to no avail.  But if we simply download the individual photos by pulling the SD card, it's easy for even the technologically challenged.

We have gotten some good photos of birds at the feeders and the little masked bandits that come up in the wee hours to eat seeds.  I'm hoping that we will get to see some other animals like opossum and maybe wild turkeys because there are hundreds of the latter on the property.  It has been fun to look at the antics of the squirrels and raccoons.  It's the wilds out here on the island so all kinds of critters could wander by.  I doubt if we will see the bobcats or coyote unless we put out some kind of meat for them.

It has been rainy and cold for the past few days.  Today is the first day without rain, but it's still raw outside.  We have been burning logs in the fireplace insert which has helped a lot with keeping the house warm.  Other than going out for meetings, neither of us has left the property.  We walk down to get the mail and we go out to turn the dogs into their paddocks.  All of us seem lazy and lethargic, not wanting to stay outside for long. The cats stay near the hearth and the dogs are enjoying their new dog beds.  

We did have some friends over for dinner one night. They are an entertaining couple who work as estate managers in Europe and the Middle East. They live the real Downton Abbey and have stories that are fascinating about the woes of the princes and gentry whose estates they manage.  When they are done with a job, they retreat to their home in Greece or come to their home in Cambridge, MA.  It was nice to spend time with them, talking about society, mannerisms, lack of manners, and life in a small village in Greece.  

I did pick the last of the peppers from the garden so that we could make pepper jelly. The jelly jars are filled now with the green or red savory jelly. The collard greens from the garden were delicious on New Year's Day. I can't complain about the temperature down here.  I'm grateful that we don't have snow or below freezing temperatures all day like what the Northeast and Midwest are experiencing. 

I am supposed to go on the boat on Wednesday for a couple of days.  I don't mind the cold out there because the propane stove keeps the inside of the cabin warm.  It's getting to the anchorage that is chilly. And once at the anchorage, I can hibernate as much as I want, except for rowing the dog to shore for her walks and bathroom time. 

Nothing dramatic is going on.  I have no urgent items that I have to write about. I am utterly content in my rather boring life at the moment.

Pandora has a new box

Pandora, my in-laws cat, is having to adjust to a new life at our house.  She may be nearly 13 years old. It's hard to know her birthday because she was adopted by my wife's parents when she was abandoned years ago.

She was much loved by them, perching in Pop's lap when he read the paper or watched television.  Pandora was by Mom's side during her last days and stayed with her after she died.

Now she is here with us, in a strange house, having to adjust to two other cats who are amiable but not to her liking.  I am sure that things will sort themselves out as they usually do with animals.  There is much posturing and hissing from her.  She runs for cover into her crate, but then will venture out to be petted and hugged.  Animals learn to adapt, but I feel sad that she doesn't have the comfort and familiar smells of her human's house.

Tomorrow, we will collect the keys to the house and can begin to make the necessary fix-ups of waxing floors, painting the interior and cleaning carpets before listing the house.  The caregivers are staying until the very last minute--the stroke of midnight.  I say nothing because this is not my business.

This morning I worked out, went to a meeting, and then to lunch with my sponsor.  He has had a challenging time lately, but is also learning to adapt to situations that are different.  I only wish that we humans could make transitions as easily as our animals, not holding on to things, working thoughts and emotions over and over in our heads.

It is going to be a beautiful weekend here.  The heat has moved in though which means humidity is not far behind.  Next week I am leaving on the boat for a few days.  This weekend I'll be doing some towing on the water, delivering gas to those who run out, bringing boats whose engines have quit back to marinas and landings, and pulling people off of shoals.  Even though the days are long, it's never a dull moment when people and boats are involved.  But I'm using my Captain's license which is good.

Happy Friday to all of you.

What's new?

So much going on over the past week that it's hard to capture it all here.  None of it has been bad. Well, maybe one tiny thing that I'll get to.  Anyway, just to catch you up on things:

• We had a great time at the fair, looking at exhibits and listening to music.  Fortunately, there wasn't a huge crowd which made it much nicer.  The fair reminds me of those from childhood and the sights and sounds provide a great opportunity to people watch and take photographs.  Yes, it's still sleazy but sometimes sleazy is fun. 

Anything fried is here. 

I did this ride.  It was cool. 

Yes, I did eat this. 

The animal barn is my favorite.  Lots of rabbits, goats, chickens, pigs, horses, cattle and more!

• The kitchen was completed! After thinking that we would not have our house back, six weeks from the start all was done.  The main contractor was meticulous. It was just unlucky that for the first week or so, he became separated from his wife of 27 years.  But he came through and did a great job. Here are a few photos of the finished kitchen. 

• And the election is over.  Thankfully, the amount of bashing has calmed down a bit over the last couple of days.  I was happy about the outcome.  Many were not.  I am still hopeful that we can put aside differences and not spew hatred.  I have been dismayed that so many people I thought I knew were filled with so much animosity.  I am ready for all that to end.  
• We have been on the boat as usual.  Unfortunately, we found that a rat had somehow gotten on board.  So for the past 3 days,  I have been rigging up traps to catch the rat.  Yesterday, I cleaned out all the lockers and lazarettes, wiping everything down with Lysol and spraying with a solution of ammonium hydroxide and water.  Fortunately, it has not gotten into the main salon, head or sleeping berth.  I've even had dreams about the rat.  Willard has to go!
• My friend, D., picked up his 22 year medallion in AA.  I went with him to the open Big Book study.  Believe it or not, the fellow who gave him his chip three years ago happened to be there.  D. had not seen M. since that meeting.  And when M. gave him his 22 year chip, he said, "I don't usually come to this meeting but happened to be here tonight. Three years ago, I gave D. his 19 year chip. I haven't seen him since and yet, here we are tonight doing the same thing.  God certainly has a sense of humor." It was an awesome moment. 

I'm sure that I've left out a few things.  But life is going along without too many bumps.  We managed to get through the kitchen ordeal.  In the face of what has happened to people in the Northeast after super storm Sandy, I am really lucky. And today is Saturday which feels good.  I'm off to go to the boat and see if I caught a rat.  Have a good day. 

Busy time

I've had a busy but good couple of days. Much of the time I was cooking! I made a pot of chili for the oyster roast that we go to this afternoon. This roast is hosted by some good friends who are artists and musicians. All kinds of instruments get played and it turns into a super jam session. It is always a good time because the guests are eclectic.

I also made some spaghetti sauce for the sailing club meeting on Thursday night. The sauce was voted as being the best there which was great. I used those spicy Italian sausages which really added to the flavor. I am finding cooking to be relaxing and have become more experimental with recipes and seasonings. It'a good to not treat cooking as a chemistry experiment but to ad lib and have fun with it.

My wife came back from receiving her award and was renourished by seeing old colleagues. She was given a standing ovation by over a hundred scientists who recognized her research. That could not have come at a better time. Just a little bump to the self- esteem meter does wonders.

I found a great horned owl yesterday that was sick. I saw it sitting on the ground in the morning which was unusual. Later in the day the owl was lying on the ground. I saw that it was alive but very weak. I carried it to the Birds of Prey center, but it was too sick to survive. What an incredibly beautiful animal! I had not seen one up close.

A staff member told me that the owl was emaciated. The great horned owl mates for life and starvation can occur if its mate dies. The animal kingdom is filled with those who have a pair-bond. I thought about that yesterday afternoon when my mother-in-law came to visit her husband. The two of them were sitting side by side in wheel chairs eating ice cream and cookies, smiling at each other, and talking. All is good with them at the moment. Two old people still together after so many years--when the moments are good, I can forget the painful times, as apparently they do also.

The weather is windy today with a northerly bite to it--perfect weather for being near a bonfire, roasting and eating oysters. So much promise is in this day. I'm going to treasure that.

Savor

Some days, like today, I stare at the computer screen, and I swear that nothing is in my head.  It feels as if there is a great void there when it comes to writing anything.

I could tell you about meeting up yesterday for lunch with a fellow I sponsor.  He went through the 12 steps, decided that 12 step programs weren't for him, but tells me that I changed his life.  He is in graduate school studying to be a counselor. I don't know whether I changed anything, but I spent a lot of time with him going through the steps.  I think that the steps changed him.

I could tell you that one of the dogs who is 12 is not feeling well.  I worry about the old ones. They have been so faithful.  I have lost too many of them in the last year or so.

I could tell you that I went to my home group last night.  It was as if I was surrounded by comfort.  Our group is small, but we all care about each other.  A newcomer, who has alcoholic parents, is opening up more and more to share her pain and is looking for a solution.  She said that she got the courage to share because she heard us talk about our life with alcoholism--with smiles and laughter.

I could tell you that I am meeting another man I sponsor today. He is doing the fourth step which is like a marathon in Al-Anon.  He is willing, and I am willing. That helps us both.

I could tell you that my wife and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  This year, we are going fishing together.  No gifts other than love.  There is much history between us, and it is rich and full and complex.  But love seems to be the common denominator of our years.

I could tell you that I am grateful for today.  I know that it will have its challenges just as every day of life does.  But if I got up and knew that every day was going to be the same, I think that life would lose its savor.  I much prefer a little spice rather than flat and bland.

There, I've written something.  My brain just needed a jump start.

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

A new attitude

Okay, here is what we are going to do.  We are flying to Texas to eat with Pam and then hopping on a jet to get to Kitty's for the late evening party!

Seriously, thanks for the comments on yesterday's post.  If I were entirely without feelings and longings,  I would not be alive.  The good thing is that I have learned to move beyond the "what ifs" to the "what is", given enough time to reflect. So, we do have a solution that doesn't involve air travel, although it would be fun to have a Blogger friends get together.

Last evening, we had a "summit" meeting with the new caregivers, Brad and Jessica, the parents, and Karin and Elias who are leaving next Tuesday.  We got the transitional stuff figured out about medications and doctor's visits.  We also discussed what to do about Thanksgiving.  We are cooking the mid-day meal and taking it over to the parents house and will have it there with Brad, Jessica and the parents.  After that, we will travel to visit our friends for the evening meal.

The new caregivers are in their thirties and bursting with joy.  Both have devoted years to service through Ameri-Corps and work at the homeless shelter downtown. Brad will still keep his job at the shelter where he does volunteer coordination.  So it will be good to spend part of the day with them because they are also now part of the family. Their enthusiasm is healthy.

Sometime during the day yesterday,  I regained joy and gratitude about the holidays.  And I realize that the day, any day, is what I make it.  It doesn't have to be about what it used to be, but what it is on this day.  Today I am making it a happy one.

I also wanted to share a photo of the latest addition to the animal family here.  This is Raggs who is one affectionate cat.  He wants to be picked up and held all the time so it was hard to get a photo of him not trying to crawl up my pants leg.  He finally decided to do a cute pose.

With the animals around, bread baking in the kitchen, a fire going, and a beautiful crisp day, it is easy to smile and be grateful.

A day full

Some things that happened today:

• I took one of our Labradors to the vet to be spayed.  She was happy for the car ride, and I felt traitorous as I dropped her off.  I felt better after I got the phone call that she was okay. She is now home and resting comfortably.  She still loves me and gave me a face licking.  The recovery of animals is amazing. 
• A covey (or bevy) of wild turkeys crossed the road on my way to the vets.  They were beautiful. I stopped the truck just to watch them walk-run across the road.  I am glad that wild turkeys are still around our farm.  I think they are neat birds and splendid when they spread their feathers.
• I saw a dead deer at the head of the drive.  It appeared to have been hit by a car.  Burying a deer takes a lot of work.  
• I talked with a neighbor who has dairy cattle.  He has these little calf hutches near his back yard where the calves live.  I saw him at his mailbox and stopped to ask how his cows were doing.  He told me that he was sad because a calf was still born two days ago,  and then the mother died yesterday.  And here I was feeling bad about burying a deer.  He said that animals don't tell us when they are sick.  She was fine one day and then dead the next from milk fever.  I think that he cares about his cows as I do about the dogs.  He does have a 2 day old calf that he wants me to see. 
• I stocked up on groceries for our trip on the boat this weekend.  We are going to a different island up the coast.  A few friends are bringing their boats.  I am looking forward to being around some relatively sane boaters. 
• The sailing and boating club that I belong to had a meeting tonight on whether to a moment of silent contemplation, instead of prayer,  as part of the order of business.  I don't know what it is about religion that causes so much divisiveness, but it surely has been the reason for a lot of killing around the world for a long time.  After each person had their chance to speak,  the vote was to have a moment of silence.  Several members got up and angrily stalked out.  I haven't seen adults do that since the church that I attended as a kid was integrated.  Religious fervor and hypocrisy left a bad taste in my mouth then, just as it does now.  
• I was asked to be an officer in the club.  I declined.  De-stressing my life is a priority.  I believe in what the serenity prayer says about knowing the difference between the things I can change and those people, places and things over which I have no control. 
• And the last thing for today is to read a few blogs,  write in my journal, and shut off the light.  Good night to all.

Guides for life

I'm sharing a story posted by a new blogger at Simply Me (http://simplymewithcourage.blogspot.com/). I am sure that she would appreciate a welcome to the blogging community.






__________________________
Dog's Purpose from a Six Year Old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''

The Six-year-old continued,''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
___________________
Words to ponder for sure. I've often wished that we were more like dogs.

Rainy day

The rain has been pouring down here all day.  The plants have been in need of a good soaking rain.  The garden is doing well but will probably need weeding after this torrent.

There is a wetland near the house and the croaking of the frogs is really a happy sound.  Before today, the cypress knees weren't covered,  but by this evening there has been so much rain that the wetland is filled up.  I like to see it filled because it means that deer and other mammals can get a good drink from the water there.

I've had a problem with a pesky raccoon who likes to come up on the deck and drink out of the water garden that we have under the bed room window nearest the bed.  C. has put some lovely water plants in a large container there.  Every morning we find the plants are rearranged and the water nearly gone. Last night, I staked out the spot where this was happening and saw a huge raccoon come on the deck, meander over to the container and proceed to rummage around in it.  So it appears that we are going to have to put another container of just water on the deck for the raccoons.  Or maybe since there is water in the wetland, they will go down there for a drink. 

I really like a rainy day like today.  I stayed home most of the day and then left to go to my Piloting class tonight.  It is a relief to get back home and off the highway.  It's hard to see well on these dark country roads.  I always hope and pray that I won't hit an animal as I go along the road.  Since we moved out here, I haven't hit one--not an opossum, deer, raccoon, coyote, or dog.  I think that I would be devastated to hit some poor animal wandering across the highway. 

Well, I'm going to turn in.  My eyes are tired from plotting positions on a chart.  I am sure that I'll sleep right through the raccoon invasion of the night.  If you have any ideas on how to keep them out of a water garden, let me know.  And no, shooting them is not an option!