About humility

I've had a busy time lately.  It seems that this is the season to do a lot of things, go to a lot of places, and see a lot of people.  And in all of this, I've been thinking about the importance of doing for others and the balance that requires.

I don't like to make Christmas about my getting things.  Instead, I like to think about what I am giving out to make things a little bit easier, happier for someone else.  Looking at my motives, it does make me uncomfortable to say that I want anything because I seem to have so much.  I've had a lot of material things all my life--a good home, good cars, enough money, a good education. Nothing extravagant but enough.

I've especially realized this past year that the way we live is way more comfortable than many.  And I've also realized that there is a whole other stratosphere out there where people really do spend a couple hundred thousand dollars on a wedding, or give a lover several hundred thousand to cover debts, or donate a couple of million to charities. I have been there first hand to see these things and realize that I am not comfortable among those who are among the upper 1%.

I don't want this to be a post about disparity in wealth but about humility. The people that I visit who are Hospice patients remind me how much I have.  I drove around yesterday to their homes, delivering Christmas cookies.  I felt sad that some live in houses that aren't so great. I wanted to give more to them than some cookies.  But the one thing that they seemed to have was happiness to see someone stop by and just talk a bit, spend some time with them, and wish them well.  I felt more at home with them than I do in the multi-million dollar homes.
 
I know that I haven't been humble for much of my life. In fact, I spent a lot of time being competitive, trying to be better than my peers at grant-writing, publishing, sports, etc.  When I was growing up, being average wasn't something that was encouraged. Both of my parents instilled in me that I was better than others in looks, brains, and ability.  I knew though that this wasn't really true.  I didn't believe what they said because I didn't think that I was special but actually lesser than average.

I didn't let on about those inner feelings though.  Instead, I worked hard to win. I worked hard to be somebody.  I worked hard to be better-than.  I wasn't boastful just determined to keep pushing ahead.  Inwardly, I was terrified but outwardly, I appeared to be a hard working success.  It was disingenuous at its best and down right fakery at its worst.

I have read that humility is about being teachable.  C. S. Lewis wrote: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”  And then there is this quote on ways to practice humility:

"To speak as little as possible of one's self.

To mind one's own business.

Not to want to manage other people's affairs.

To avoid curiosity.

To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one's dignity.

To choose always the hardest.” ~ Mother Teresa, The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living

I stumble over these things. I am curious by nature. I don't accept contradictions as gracefully as I would like. I don't like to be insulted or injured.  So I still fail at being humble.

I have learned though that I can mind my business and be okay. I can avoid being boastful.  I don't want to manage other people's lives. I am much kinder and gentler with others.  I know life isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about my having more things.  It's about what the inside of me feels like when I live each day.

Just a simple awareness of who I really am is humbling.  And I don't have to defend my position in order to be better than others.  Rather,  I want to be more useful to others.  And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

Time for hope and miracles

It's going to be 80 F here today.  The leaves are beautiful, and the weather is great for going to the beach.  We would be out on the boat and anchored off our "secret" island, except for going to a Christmas party tonight.

And my Christmas spirit is not particularly there. So this morning, my wife and I are wrapping presents for a girl at the city orphanage. She filled out a list, and we have all of her items now--the skinny jeans in pink, makeup, the pink Converse shoes, the iPod, the tee shirts, the striped socks, etc.  A lot of things were on her list. I think that she will be a happy kid on Christmas.

We did this last year too.  Giving to a girl from the orphanage made us feel good. We met some of the staff at the wrapping party for the kids. That party is being held on Sunday at the organizer's house, who is a sailing friend. He and his wife have no kids, and so they have organized this gifting to the orphans for two years.

It's clearly apparent that we don't need or want anything for Christmas. Most all of the 90+ boxes of dishes, crystal, porcelain, etc. have gone to the antique auction house.  The big auctions for Mom and Pop's things will be coming up in January.  We have kept a few things that are special to us. But they had so much that we would have to build a 3000 sq. ft. addition on our house to display the things.  How many sets of dishes does a person need?  How many crystal bowls or wine glasses or champagne flutes?  It feels good to have cleared out the storage container.

Our lives are amazingly calm and content at the moment.  I have been going to meetings.  One of the meetings has started a beginner meeting for those newcomers who show up.  I led that the other night.  There is nothing like a newcomer to remind me of where I was.  Her brother is an addict, and she found that she was obsessing and anxious about him and what his addiction was doing to her parents.  These stories are repeated over and over again in the rooms. I'm glad to be there to share the message of hope.  It is the time for that and maybe some miracles too.

Last year's gifts for the orphans ready to be delivered.

One to go

Well, I have emerged from the long tunnel of studying today.  I passed all the exams for Captain with high scores and will be turning in my paperwork to the U.S. Coast Guard after completion of the Master's exam.  I've heard that one isn't hard.  But I will go over the material and take the exam next week.  I have completed the qualifications to be an operator of uninspected passenger vessels (OUPV).  Hopefully,  I will add Master to that over the next week.  Then all the paperwork gets submitted, and I will be officially licensed.

I feel as if my focus has been to study, work on the garden, take a few breaks to chill with my wife, and go on the boat.  I simply have not felt like blogging.  The break from blogging feels good.  I may continue to take breaks because frankly there is much more that I want to do than sit at the computer so much.

I will catch up on blogs though and leave comments.  I want to know what you have been doing.  But my story seems to be one that has become repetitive.  I am involved in as little drama as possible.  I don't have to deal with issues at work.  I concern myself with gardening, sailing, meetings of Al-Anon, and what little family I have.  Most of the time, my existence is simple and care free. I miss those who have died and think of them often.  But I am grateful to still be living and healthy.

I learned over the past few weeks that I didn't suffer bad withdrawal from blogging.  Instead, I felt a relief that I didn't have to write the same stuff over and over.  I am at peace with who I am, flaws and all.  And I am relieved at the moment that I can go to a dinner meeting tonight, maybe stay up late and watch a movie, and not have to open a text book to study.

We are off on the boat for the weekend.  Time for some fun!

Freedom for me

I struggle some days to come up with something to post on this blog.  Nothing much has changed from day to day lately.  My life is fairly predictable at the moment.  I meditate in the morning, read the paper and some blog posts, do something physically challenging (=exercise), go to meetings, visit the boat, spend time with my wife and dogs, meet with sponsees, and read, write in my journal and on this blog.

There is so little drama and chaos at the moment.  I attribute that to inner peace, grace, luck, the way the stars are lined up, retirement--who knows for sure.  I simply accept the peace that has come and am grateful for it.  The feeling of contentment is like drifting on a smooth ocean, lazily aware of what is around me but not concerned about storms or blustery winds or being run over by a huge container ship, or highjacked by pirates.

I've noticed that the posts that get the most comments are those that occur during times of crisis and sadness.  People reach out to lend a steadying voice.  That voice is within me most days now.  I feel it guiding me in my daily life.  Not reacting to annoyances of life with anger or self-pity is a great gift.  The gift has been acquired slowly and requires daily maintenance.  I tend it as I would a delicate plant or one of my beloved dogs.

I still struggle internally with my own demons of rejection and abandonment. But their voices are muted for the most part because I realize that they can be drowned out by new voices of hope, friendship, love, and acceptance.  I feel apart of so much these days.  I have no power struggles, no achievements that I must tout, no one breathing down my neck to produce more.  This feels like freedom to me on all fronts.

The skeleton key unlocks the mind and swings open the door of imagination. A far better place than here A much safer place than there The quintessential somewhere The mystical nowhere The enigmatic anywhere My gift to you - the key to everywhere.
The mortal will find itself lost while the soul always knows the way it is grateful for the darkness and celebrates the day
I can give you peace my peace I give you... but I cannot be your savior or your god - I cannot be the light along your path - I can only give you the lamp and point the way.
The blind will see... the deaf will hear... but those who choose reason will never understand.
Woe to the ones who think they know the answers they will cease to ask the questions that may be their own salvation.
We possess the knowledge of the Universe from conception. Once born we are taught to forget.
If we cannot look out at our world and see our children's vision then we are truly blind we are unable to lead them to paradise.
Even people who are in the dark search for their shadows. Shadows exist only if there is light. We will never find total darkness - not even in death... ...and we always cast a shadow no matter how overcast our skies become. You are never alone."
Do not listen to the voice that shouts to you from behind desks behind podiums behind altars. Do not pay attention to the orators and the opportunists. Do not be distracted by the promises made behind masks. Listen to the quiet. Listen to the whispers as they gently guide you through the assaults of man's absurdities. Listen to the gentle breathing of your mother and lay your head to rest in her peace and in her warm embrace and understand that truth and power lie within you. Breathe silence.
The free bird will always return to the cage sooner or later to seek food and water and the loving hand of it's caretaker. ― M. Teresa Clayton

What kind of life was it?

If you had to describe your life today, what would you say?  I listen to many people who live with active alcoholism and addiction describe the other person's life.  They will talk on and on about the alcoholic or the addict, but what I hear about their life is near silence.  They look vacant as they describe what the alcoholic does.  They can recite all the transgressions, the disgusting behavior, the weariness and daily grind of just getting through another day. And I think to myself that I was there--vacant, empty of love, devoid of happiness, and without passion for life.

The unmanageability of a life around alcoholism is painful.  The loneliness is palpable.  No one to talk to about it for fear of shame, blaming ourselves for not being able to be a better wife, husband, father, mother, lover.  Waking up in the morning to have the first thought entering your head be, "Oh God, another day. I hope that I can get through it."  And the last thought at night be, "I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this person that I am supposed to love. What is wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? I don't deserve this".  This is the "end stage" of an unmanageable life due to alcoholism.

I don't know the reasons that people choose to suffer on.  Maybe there is a huge sense of guilt.  Maybe it's feeling unworthy, not deserving of anything better.  For me, it was all of those, based on a foundation of fear.  Better to stick with the devil you know, than the one that you don't. Meanwhile, the days and years go by, and the despair doesn't lift.  Somehow, this existence seems as if death has already come because going through the motions of living, isn't really living.

At the end of my life, I want  to say that I had exquisite moments of joy.   I want to feel peace and know that I found a life that was authentic:  A life that was well-lived in spite of whatever impediments there were.  And I want to say that I have no malice towards anyone.  I can say that I made peace with myself and others around me.  I learned to live, love and laugh.

"Manageability in life is somewhere up there with balance....It is a process and an ongoing practice of active acceptance, surrender, humility, honesty and gratitude."~Anonymous

Crippling so many of us

I woke up discombobulated this morning.  Bad dreams last night that left me feeling out of sorts: The old abandonment stuff that seems to recycle every few months, bubbling up from some part of the mind that has held onto yesterday's fears.

It takes a few moments to remember that none of the dreams are real.  And the fears, well, those don't have to be made real unless I allow that.  It's best for me to get up and get moving, rather than to lie there and let the mind reel.

All that abandonment stuff seems so real when it plays out in technicolor when I'm asleep.  Maybe it is there with me even when I'm awake, just lurking beneath the surface, ready to come out and wipe away peace of mind.

Once traumatized, do we ever really rid ourselves of the feelings and images that have held such power in the past?  Maybe the point is to not have to rid ourselves of anything but to simply acknowledge the feelings, check the barometer of life on this day, and make a decision on how to proceed.  I found the following from the psychologist, Carl Rogers, to be interesting:

"I sometimes fantasy about what it would mean if a child....never had to disown his feelings in order to be loved. Suppose his parents were free to have and express their own unique feelings, which often would be different from his, and often different between themselves. I like to think of all the meanings that such an experience would have. It would mean that the child would grow up respecting himself as a unique person. It would mean that even when his behavior had to be thwarted, he could retain open "ownership" of his feelings. It would mean that his behavior would be a realistic balance, taking into account his own feelings and the known and open feelings of others. He would, I believe, be a responsible and self-directing individual, who would never need to conceal his feelings from himself, who would never need to live behind a facade. He would be relatively free of the maladjustments which cripple so many of us." ~ Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person


I suppose it's easy enough to be crippled by what happened in childhood, what our parents did to us, what others did or said that made us feel less than or fearful.  So many people are wounded today.  That wounding comes from all manner of things--loved ones, jobs, the economy, life.  But it doesn't seem to be so easy to be whole again. Or is it?

It seems easier to blame others for unhappiness.  Or perhaps to find fault with others rather than looking inward at myself.  I like what Rogers describes as ways to live a "good life".  It makes a lot of sense to me.

1. A growing openness to experience – move away from defensiveness and have no need for unconsciously applying strategies to prevent something troubling from entering the consciousness.
2. An increasingly existential lifestyle – living each moment fully – not distorting the moment to fit personality or self concept but allowing personality and self concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust.
3. Increasing trust – Trusting my own judgment and ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment.  Not relying on existing social norms but trust that by being open to experiences, I will be able to trust my own sense of right and wrong.
4. Freedom of choice – not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual (= a false individual in pursuit of personal regard), I am able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. Believing that I play a role in determining my own behavior and so feel responsible for my own behavior.
5. Creativity – feel more free to be creative without feeling a need to conform.
6. Reliability and constructiveness – Acting constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in authentic people. 
7. A rich full life – he describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. 

Here is Rogers' description of the good life:

This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life.

I like the idea of launching myself fully into the stream of life: the good, the bad, the perceived, the real, the imagined, the ugly, the beauty, the wonder and the joy.  Let's do it. 

A new attitude

Okay, here is what we are going to do.  We are flying to Texas to eat with Pam and then hopping on a jet to get to Kitty's for the late evening party!

Seriously, thanks for the comments on yesterday's post.  If I were entirely without feelings and longings,  I would not be alive.  The good thing is that I have learned to move beyond the "what ifs" to the "what is", given enough time to reflect. So, we do have a solution that doesn't involve air travel, although it would be fun to have a Blogger friends get together.

Last evening, we had a "summit" meeting with the new caregivers, Brad and Jessica, the parents, and Karin and Elias who are leaving next Tuesday.  We got the transitional stuff figured out about medications and doctor's visits.  We also discussed what to do about Thanksgiving.  We are cooking the mid-day meal and taking it over to the parents house and will have it there with Brad, Jessica and the parents.  After that, we will travel to visit our friends for the evening meal.

The new caregivers are in their thirties and bursting with joy.  Both have devoted years to service through Ameri-Corps and work at the homeless shelter downtown. Brad will still keep his job at the shelter where he does volunteer coordination.  So it will be good to spend part of the day with them because they are also now part of the family. Their enthusiasm is healthy.

Sometime during the day yesterday,  I regained joy and gratitude about the holidays.  And I realize that the day, any day, is what I make it.  It doesn't have to be about what it used to be, but what it is on this day.  Today I am making it a happy one.

I also wanted to share a photo of the latest addition to the animal family here.  This is Raggs who is one affectionate cat.  He wants to be picked up and held all the time so it was hard to get a photo of him not trying to crawl up my pants leg.  He finally decided to do a cute pose.

With the animals around, bread baking in the kitchen, a fire going, and a beautiful crisp day, it is easy to smile and be grateful.

Showing up for Life

I had a really relaxing weekend.  No frantic calls, no problems to solve--just lots of reading, naps, and even a movie.  The rain that fell both days helped to relax the mind.  There is nothing like a rainy day to trigger the snooze button.

This will be another full week for me.  One of the things that I appreciate is that even in my darkest moments, I still showed up at work, for commitments with family--for daily responsibilities of all kinds. One of the things that I didn't do much of was to show up for my own life.  I let the needs of others dictate what I did.  My wife and I worked in the same place, so we saw each other all the time.  When it came to doing things on my own, away from her, I really struggled.  I thought that it was important to be there for them, putting my own interests on the back burner.

Eventually, I realized that I needed some kind of hobby.  I have had a couple of serious hobbies over the years.  Eventually,  they came to be tiring and a burden.  I kept at them because I needed some kind of outlet from all the drama at home and didn't want to be a quitter.  In recovery, I discovered that I wanted to go in a different direction, one that didn't involve being competitive.  And I needed a hobby that would allow me time for quiet contemplation.

I like the idea of showing up for life to do those things that bring me joy.  With the luxury of being retired, I can devote time to the artistic part of me through photography and writing.  And I also can devote time to sailing which brings me immense pleasure in a non-competitive way.

There are many people in meetings who have no outlet to get away from alcoholism.  Sadly, they have no hobbies or a healthy activity that brings them enjoyment.  I once asked a person I know what they liked to do.  She answered, "I don't know. I can't think of anything that gives me pleasure." I know that alcoholism can rob me of just about everything, including my life.

Even if it is a small thing such as walking, gardening, going to meetings, having coffee with a friend, I found that it is important for me to do something that gives me pleasure, that gets my mind off myself and the alcoholic.  It is important that I show up for my life.  Otherwise, what is the point?

Guides for life

I'm sharing a story posted by a new blogger at Simply Me (http://simplymewithcourage.blogspot.com/). I am sure that she would appreciate a welcome to the blogging community.






__________________________
Dog's Purpose from a Six Year Old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''

The Six-year-old continued,''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
___________________
Words to ponder for sure. I've often wished that we were more like dogs.

Christmas wish

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!  ~Charles Dickens

May you find comfort, joy and peace today.

Cookies and Brittle

It has been a long day. We went out shopping to get the last of the gifts and a bunch of ingredients for making peanut brittle and cookies.  We had a list and went from store to store getting what we needed.  One of the stops was at a store that I have boycotted for years.  I went inside and was immediately overwhelmed by all the "stuff", most of it made in China.  I waited by the entrance for C. to finish getting some wrapping paper and bows.  It seems remarkable that these huge stores are such drivers in the world economy and have driven so many small stores out of business over the years. 

Before there were huge stores that sold everything, there were the little local grocery stores that sold the basics.  And from those, we bought ingredients during our first Christmas to make peanut brittle. It was the local A&P in the town where I grew up.  (Now I read that A&P is going under).

That first Christmas together was memorable.  We spent a lot of time working on our dissertations, but we spent Christmas with my parents.  Virginia has some excellent peanuts so C. decided to make peanut brittle. I watched C. cool the candy on the marble topped coffee table that my parents had in the old house in Virginia.  She greased up the table with butter and spread the hot candy on the marble where it cooled evenly.  It was heavenly good stuff.  My father ate a lot of her brittle.  So we decided to make the candy this year to give to guests at our Christmas day buffet. 

And the cookies are going to be the iced kind.  We will use the old cookie cutters that we have had since we celebrated our first Christmas together.  They were the ones that my mother used when I was young.  I would sometimes help her cut out the shapes of trees (my favorite), stars, bells, horses and gingerbread men.  I think my job will be to help paint the icing on the cookies and then add the sugar sprinkles and decorations.  The holly cookies are especially neat looking,  formed in the shape of wreaths with those red cinnamon candies pressed into each.  So this weekend will be cookie production time and another step in the holiday festivities.

So far, there has been only a couple of "bah humbug" moments.  My wife's parents are nearing 90 and have had a cold.  I stopped by to see them the other day.  One of their favorite topics is medical treatments, doctors and illnesses.  Their complaints about a particular doctor who I happen to like and use were vehement--"He only likes you because you have a Ph.D.  He is a bum who doesn't know anything.  He doesn't care because we are old people ready to die." And so on.  Not much merriment there.  I listened to their complaints, giving myself a half an hour.  The only comment made by me was to suggest that if they weren't happy with the doctor, perhaps it was time to switch to a different one.  Time to go, get out of there before the unhappiness ruined my mood.  Luckily, I went right from there to a meeting.  Nice to walk into some laughter and smiles.

I love my parents-in-law but can only take them in small doses.  Negativity is draining.  I can feel the energy leaving me as I listen to complaints.  It is best for me to be kind, listen, and then leave.  C. and I both know that their fear underlies so much of the behavior.  Recovery has made me see the human side, feel compassion, and not fall too deeply into the negative energy hole.  'Tis the season for all kinds of things, some soft and sweet and some brittle.

Fish stories

I went fishing today.  It was another good day to be on the water.  This time I took the flats boat to be able to get into very shallow water and fish the outgoing tide.  I used to fish a lot when I was a kid. My father was a recreational fisherman who really knew the water.  He first set me up with a hand line and as I got older and more capable, I graduated to a fishing rod with a Penn reel.

Later in graduate school, I would surf fish on the outer banks.  I built my own rods from blanks.  We called those long rods Hatteras Heavers.  Those were the days of sleeping in my truck on the beach, fishing the outgoing tide for blue fish and red drum, standing around a camp fire, telling fishing yarns and having a few beers.  It was serious fun. 

Sadly enough, two fellows who used to go with me died way too young.  One died from complications of falling off a pier at a Christmas party after getting drunk and passing out.  Those attending to him were also drunk, so when they picked him up and carried him, his spinal nerve was severed/damaged to such an extent that he became a quadraplegic.  He later died from the severity of this condition.  Another friend developed a brain tumor and died within six months of diagnosis.  I still have photos of all of us on the beach enjoying the comraderie and eating fresh fish cooked up in a skillet with some garlic, olive oil, and a bit of soy sauce.   It all seems like yesterday.  

Anymore, my fishing time has been limited by work and sailing.  But today, in mid-week, it just seemed like the perfect thing to do.  So I set out to fish the marsh fringes on the falling tide. 

At first there was a bonnet head shark and then a few small sting rays.  All the fish were caught on circle hooks which prevents swallowing of the hook.  Each fish was released after being caught. 

This poor bonnet head shark looked really scared.  He was fine though after getting the hook out of his lip and gladly swam away.

A small sting ray.  Note the circle hook which is easy to remove and prevents damage to the gullet.

 Finally, a school of red drum moved in after maximum ebb tide.  The oyster reefs were exposed and the drum were feeding on shrimp and crab around the submerged parts of the reef.  It was a lot of fun to catch these 7-8 pound fish.  Note that the hook is being removed by a telescoping device that acts a lot like forceps. 

Finally, it was time to head home.  All fish were released alive and swam away.  I don't like to kill anything anymore.  I guess that I have gotten really gentle as I've gotten older.  Hopefully, these fish will grow, reproduce, and provide some excitement for another day.  And maybe some kid will enjoy spending a day on the water fishing.  Today I was that kid.

Life's a Beach Somedays

After the rain last night, it cooled off a bit today.  At least enough for us to get a good row in with the group.  We were all mindful of our missing friend E. but put our backs into pulling on the oars.  We didn't talk a whole lot but towards the end of the row when we were heading back to the marina at a good clip with the tide running in our favor, we were laughing.  The racing boats were out for their afternoon practice with their multi-hued spinnakers billowing.  It was all really wonderful to be on the water and to be alive.

When I was going through some things in my office, I found an old photo of me with my older cousin.  We were shirtless and barefoot.  Just two kids having a great time without a care in the world.  It was a day like that today.  I could feel that kind of freedom like I experienced when I was a kid running wild through the woods and fields during summer break.  Those first few days when I was out of school with the whole summer stretched before me were wonderful times.

Back then, when life was a lot simpler, I didn't put on shoes except on Sunday, would play all day doing something, and really had only minimal problems to deal with. I would mostly try to figure out how to have a good time with my cousin without getting punished by an adult. Since he was three years older, I generally was the fall guy for most of our antics. Those summer days were magical, and the nights spent on the porch listening to some far off radio station were serene.  I would listen to music that wasn't played on our local station.  Sometimes I would fall asleep on the old glider on the porch and spend the night there without a care in the world.  Knowing that the next day would bring new adventures was enough for me.

Retirement is feeling like an endless summer vacation so far.  I'm finding that it's possible to recapture that feeling of freedom and fun. I'm still a kid at heart, and I'm enjoying the new life that I've found.  I may occasionally feel a bit undone without a formal schedule, but I can tell that I'm getting used to setting my own hours.  No shirt, no shoes, no problem..... Just for today Life's a Beach.

A morning at the beach

Yesterday morning, I took my old Labrador and went over to a memorial service for K.'s freinds and their dogs at the beach.  It was a nice tribute with all of us standing in a circle to say a few words about K. and what she meant to each of us.  The dogs milled about our legs and my old girl sat down in the center of the circle. 

Here are some photos to catch the flavor of the event.  There was a little breeze and having it early in the morning allowed the dogs to run free for a while.  After the service we went to breakfast which was good.

The path out to the beach

Flowers along the way

Running and having fun

My old heart dog in the center of the circle

Expressing love all who remember K.

 So far today, I have done the watering of several flower beds and picked some vegetables. I also loaded up three dogs and took them to doggy park. They had a good time there. Tonight is my home group meeting.  I will go to that and have a sponsee meeting before hand. 

I've talked to C. several times yesterday and today.  She is enjoying the beach, cooking seafood, and doing some touring around.  She said that the weather is delightful.  It is still hot and humid here. But I am grateful for AC that manages to cool me down between doing chores outside. 

Hope that your Monday is going well. I'm enjoying this life without a work schedule.  The harness has finally slipped off my shoulders and I seem to be wearing the loose garment of retirement well.

We all need sabbaticals

A sabbatical is not rare in academia.  Most professors will request a sabbatical at some time. They provide an opportunity for refreshment and new experiences.  It's a chance to get away from your normal routine - a time to immerse yourself in a different environment, a chance to see your life from a different perspective.

I think that perhaps I am going to call retirement a kind of sabbatical.  The Director came in today and told me that I can keep my office and computer here should I desire to continue to work on some manuscripts and projects.  That was a surprise to me.  We have had our differences over the years, but I told him that I appreciated the offer and would take him up on it.  I have a couple of books that I want to publish, a series of statistical lectures to complete, and some other opportunities to participate in scientific endeavors.  It sounds good to me because I will only keep the schedule that I want to keep and not one that is a must.   

I read this morning that Mary Christine, who has been writing daily for over 5 years, has decided to take a sabbatical from blogging.  I think that we all get tired and need a break from routine tasks. I like to think that those who are taking a sabbatical will connect with the dreams that can inspire them on the next stage of the journey. I certainly wish that for Mary as I have followed her flowers, her running, her work and her sobriety since I was blogging.

I am feeling inspired to dream today.  My dreams aren't elaborate ones.  They are mostly about having more time to spend at home or on the boat.  It seems that in those two places, I have the utmost freedom. I don't want to take a sabbatical from life, just from structure.  My desire is to create more space in my life so that people and opportunities will present themselves in unexpected ways. I hope to keep that spirit of openness, spaciousness, and surprise alive.  And I wish that for each of you. 

"I still recall how, with my bag on a pole, I forgot my yesterdays.
Wandered the hills, played in the water, went to the land of the clouds.
The lift of an eyebrow, the blink of an eye -- all of it samadhi.
In this great world there is nowhere that is not a wisdom hall."

Ziyong, 18th c. Chinese nun

Growing things

I thought that I would share a few photos of the vegetable garden.  We do raised bed gardening for the most part, although we do have a lot of containers on the deck for tomatoes and herbs.  The raised beds are great because they are easy to weed and water, have high production, and are just plain cool.  So here are a few photos:

 The garden where a lot of good things are grown.  There is a lot of room to set up many raised beds.  We use the raked leaves for mulch around the beds.

Beans are coming up.  Note the drip irrigation system. 

The lettuce is ready to pick. Can't get enough of this stuff for salads.

The compost bins are filled.  We actually have four of these large bins for storing organic material used in compost.

Good amended soil from the compost bins.  The soil on the property is rich but the compost really makes it good for growing veggies.  We add some sanitized cow manure too.

Ahhh.....parsley.  We expect to see the black swallowtail caterpillars show up for a feast soon. That's why we grow a lot of parsley--the caterpillars have to eat too.  Nothing like fresh parsley and other herbs from the garden. 

So there you have it.  The garden is a thing of beauty this time of year.  However, by mid July when the heat and humidity have done their work,  I will long for the green freshness of the growing plants seen here.  Summer isn't kind to plants in this area.  There will be leggy tomatoes, borers in the squash, scraggly beans.  But the eggplant will survive and stand tall and proud with its purple fruit.  We will become innovative chefs of eggplant, fixing it in many ways.  I think that my favorite is to grill it with a sprinkling of cinnamon on top. 

Gardens are a great passion in this area.  The ones downtown are formal and not filled with anything edible. Our flower beds are like the English gardens with a riot of different plants in many colors.  Only the vegetables are lined up in even patterns, like soldiers in a phalanx.  It must be imprinted in the genes, a throwback to ancient ancestors--the need to grow something that is not only edible but pleasing to the eye and the psyche.

Science stuff on a glass half full day

It's another rainy Friday here.  The rain is supposed to steadily increase throughout the evening with flash flood warnings out.  We decided to make it a boating weekend, regardless of the weather.  Tomorrow is supposed to be decent as is Sunday.  At least, we aren't getting the snow storm that is supposed to hit the mid-Atlantic.

The unusual amount of rainfall we have been having can be attribute to El Nino which is a climate pattern that began this year.  It is associated with floods, droughts, and other weather disturbances depending on the region of the world.  The temperature of the sea in the central and eastern Pacific region is above average which is bringing increased moisture across North America. The unusually warm sea surface temperatures in the western Pacific move east. That changes the heating pattern of the atmosphere, which in turn pulls the Pacific jet stream farther south. The interesting thing is that there will be below-average snowfall and above average temperatures through the central northern region of the US, excluding New England, while below-average temperatures are estimated for the south-central/eastern US.

I read letters to the editor almost every day saying that this has been a cold winter which is evidence that global warming isn't occurring. The cyclical pattern of El Nino has occurred for many years so even though there are colder temperatures in the South and more snowfall, the long-term trend in temperature indicates warming around the globe. However, it has been hypothesized that warmer global sea surface temperatures can enhance El Nino.  El Niños have been more frequent and intense in recent decades. There have been relatively more frequent and persistent El Niño episodes rather than the cool episodes called La Niñas. This behavior is highly unusual in the last 130 years. This is the strongest El Nino since the winter of 1997-98.

Anyway, when you are digging out this weekend or dodging a deluge, remember that this is a weather phenomenon that is cyclical.  Plus, it helps dampen the threat of hurricanes that are much more prevalent during La Nina years. 

My glass is half full today. I heard the spring peepers making their sweet sounds of spring last night as I drove home.  The freshwater wetland near the house is filled to the brim.  The cypress trees, the old snapping turtle, the bull frogs, and the snakes are enjoying having the wetland filled up. 

All the wetlands and their inhabitants in this state are rejoicing because the state Supreme Court dealt a smashing blow Monday to developers who have tried for years to overturn state rules that safeguard coastal freshwater wetlands from unchecked development.  If this had not been done,  potentially hundreds of thousands of acres of freshwater wetlands would have been open for development without state oversight. Chalk up a big one for the snapping turtles, frogs and friends. 

Hope that you are having a day of optimism too.  If you look closely, there might be something right there in front of you that makes your heart sing.

Happiness

I watched the PBS show Emotional Life last night. It covered a lot of issues around the subject of love, relationships and happiness. The host of the show, Daniel Gilbert, wrote a book on happiness entitled "Stumbling on Happiness." I haven't read the book but did glean a few points that were brought up last night.

The first was that to be happy, I need to be in a romantic relationship. The caveat to relationship happiness is that in married relationships, satisfaction ebbs over time. (Studies also show that for those divorced, the happiness factor declines markedly). So according to Mr. Gilbert, the day people get married, they're extremely satisfied with the relationship, and it goes downhill from there. That's because relationships take hard work which translates to raising a family, maintaining a household, etc. However, once the children are grown, it appears that happiness increases back to an initial level or close to it.

Even though children are a source of happiness, they tend to crowd out other things that used to make the couple happy. There is less time to do "couple like" things. Less time is spent going out with friends, making love, going on a "date", and relaxing. In short, many of the things that used to be sources of happiness are no longer there (Note: no distinction was made here about people who are in 12 step programs and how they scored on the happiness scale).

So if you're like me and don't have children, then that appears to be a plus. Or if you have children and they are on their own, then the happiness factor seems to be on the upswing. Another plus is that as one grows older, happiness tends to increase. So if my health holds out, research indicates that I will get happier over time. Whew, I'm glad about that.

I don't know if I learned anything really new from the program; however, the interactions of the couples shown clearly indicated to me that communication, trust, and shared activities were three very important attributes for staying emotionally happy.

I thought that I'd end the post with ten things that make me really happy:

• Doing an activity with the person I love that we both enjoy
  
• Going on vacation to an interesting place
• Reading a great book, preferably in front of a warm fire and lying on the couch
• Having a photograph turn out of something that I really wanted a photograph of
• Goofy dogs and warm cats that really like me
  
• A good joke
• Being around someone who has a great laugh and a sense of humor
• Getting something to work that is technologically difficult
  
• Eating a great meal at a restaurant
• Wearing clothes that are comfortable

Content

Today is one of those days when I feel content, at peace with myself and those around me, and filled with certainty that all is going according to a much greater plan than I could devise. These days aren't rare anymore, but they aren't always consistently present either.

I made a card for my wife and gave her a little present last night. Such little things made her happy. I think that we are both so grateful for the little things that we have now. I suppose that I am easily pleased these days. The times of being hyper-critical of myself and others are diminishing. Today I'm viewing that as a positive thing.

I am grateful that I don't pick apart every meal to find something unacceptable. I don't want to pick apart friends or companions with impossibly high criteria that will only widen a circle of isolation. I wonder how much perfectionism and high standards are really masks for not facing my own shortcomings.

My contentment stems from an understanding that perfectionism sets me at a distance from others. And that distance enhances my feelings of being different which leads down a treacherous path. As Mark Nepo writes: "The devastating truth is that excellence can't hold you in the night, and .......being demanding or sophisticated won't help you survive."

Instead I'm glad to find that contentment is not dependent on circumstances or other people. Instead, it depends on my outlook. Circumstances may color the world around me but joy comes from deep within. And the extraordinary is everywhere around me if I just take the time to look. A jewel can be as bright as a diamond or be the dew on morning grass. Music can be the sound that comes from a Stradivarius or the rain on the roof. Taste can be a five-star meal in a fine restaurant or a hot dog cooked over a camp fire.

It's all good today.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.
—Helen Keller