There are no "musts"?

In Al-Anon, I often hear that there are no “musts”. Nobody tell others what to do about a situation. Newcomers are suggested not to make any major decisions during the first six months after coming to Al-Anon, simply because as we keep coming back and begin to get better, our perspective and attitudes change.

In healthy meetings, no one tells any one else what to do.  No one person is supposed to dominate.  And I've learned by working with those I sponsor that I can't enforce the unenforceable.

But I do know that if people are to get better and approach anything like serenity, half measures won't work. Half measures don't avail us half results; "half measures avail us nothing" (from Alcoholics Anonymous).  I heard this in a meeting a while ago: "I have to tell you from my 4 years of Half-Assing and No Musting, I think the folks that Get In, Do It, and Get Better are a WHOLE Lot Smarter than I found myself to be."

So my recovery was contingent on my working the whole program, not to cherry-pick the pieces that I liked. My sponsor told me what had worked for him and thousands of others. I took his suggestion to heart and action.  When I got stuck on a step, he described how he had gotten unstuck from the same step. 

I hear people in meetings talk about working the steps on their own. It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us.  As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully.  

Also, I didn't want to intellectualize serenity.  I wanted a spiritual solution. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with.  And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor or a spiritual mentor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. 

I heard at the Al-Anon Convention this year a member say, "There are no musts in Al-Anon ... unless you want to heal and then there are twelve."

Yesterday's news

Among some of my friends, we have discussed the vote in NC to ban marriage between two members of the same sex by specifying that a legal union or marriage can only be between a man and woman in the state. The law will also make it impossible for so-called “civil unions” that can afford some legal rights to gay partners, even if it does not carry the same religious and traditional connotations that being “married” would entail.

I'm not going to debate what happened in yesterday's news.  Suffice to say that most of my friends are liberal and are in favor of equal opportunity in marriage.  But I've also been around some people who are so vehemently opposed to the idea, based on their Christian beliefs, that they become angry when anyone voices a differing opinion.

The other night we talked about Concept 5 in Al-Anon: The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.  I have seen how this concept works in meetings in which each person can feel free to express an opinion without fear of being shouted down.  We sort things out through a civilized discourse and follow the group conscience.

I also like to apply the traditions and concepts in my life outside of meetings. I believe in civilized and spirited discussions.  But when intolerance and bigoted fear causes people to shut their ears and open their mouths to shout, I am taken aback.

I did some reading and found that Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA,  believed in the minority being heard.  He quoted a French nobleman, De Touquerville who visited North America to witness the new Republic. As noted by Wilson, the nobleman expressed that, “the greatest threat to democracy would always be the tyranny of apathetic, self-seeking, uninformed or angry majorities. Only a truly dedicated citizenry, willing to protect and conserve minority rights and opinion, could guarantee the existence of a free and democratic society.”

I know that my opinion is not universally upheld.  I'm okay with that.  But I like the idea of being able to express my opinion.  I don't want to be bullied in a discussion or hesitant to speak because I fear an angry majority/minority may ridicule or judge me.

My further reading in the literature about the history of AA tells of a time when the World Service Conference had to decide if gay meetings could be so identified in AA directories.  Barry L. described the mood of that 1974 conference as being "dead-set against the idea. Remember that.... gay men and women were spoken of as deviants".  He recalled that:  “The discussion in 1974 went back and forth, back and forth for two days and two nights. Much of the agenda was whipped out. I remember one man saying, 'I guess if this year you list the sex deviants, next year you’ll list the rapist AA groups'."

Then, "a delightful woman from one of the northern States or maybe Canada, standing about three feet tall, came to the middle microphone and pulled it down to her face and said, ‘Where I come from alcoholics are considered deviants.’  The chairman astutely saw that the mood of the floor had changed and he asked if anyone wanted to call the question. The vote was cast and only two delegates voted against the gay and lesbian groups; it was almost unanimous, 129 votes to two.”

So the words of the minority can sometimes change the minds of others.  Or at the very least, help to open the ears and even the hearts so that a healthy debate can occur.  As Bill W. wrote: "The well-heard minority, therefore, is our chief protection against a, misinformed, hasty or angry majority.”

I am mindful more than ever of this concept in my daily life.  I can remember work meetings where people would become so tyrannical about a point that the table would be pounded and one fellow fell over backwards in his chair out of anger.  Life isn't like an Al-Anon meeting.  But more and more,  I see that I don't need to be fearful of ridicule or judgement when I stand up and express a minority opinion.

Three Obstacles to Success

More and more, I am hearing the Three Obstacles to Success in Al-Anon being read at meetings.  I like to hear these because it services as a reminder that Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving, and understanding.  In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics which can lead to dissension and that can distract us from our goals.

So here are the Three Obstacles: 
1. DISCUSSION OF RELIGION:  Al-Anon is not allied with any religion.  It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion.  Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none.  Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious beliefs. 
2. GOSSIP:  We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy.  In such groups, gossip can have no part in our program.  We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon.  Careless repeating of matters heard at Al-Anon meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together. 
3. DOMINANCE:  Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve.  No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority, or give advice.  Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, and rotation of leadership.  Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have serious consequences for group harmony.

Religion is not something that I want to hear in meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of an organized religion.  I was raised in the Episcopal church and later attended the Presbyterian Church on the island where I live.  I am glad to have experienced church school, sermons, and been brought up in the teachings of the church.  But I am also glad to be among a fellowship where no one religion is The Way.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world.  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.   They all have their own God, believe differently and are all sure their teaching is the correct way to believe.  But I don't believe God created all the different religions and beliefs, people did.  I'm not offended by what others believe at all.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an , that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous.

So, I think harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. I am glad that everyone is included regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Gossip is another obstacle.  I don't like gossip. It is hurtful and often based on false information. To me, meetings are a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings and what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

Finally, dominance means that egos run the meetings.  God has been edged out.  I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.

I think that reading of these obstacles in a meeting is a good idea and helps remind each of us to keep the group healthy.

Relationship between domestic violence and alcohol

I've always thought that there was a link between alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Statistics do indicate a connection between alcohol and drug abuse and domestic violence. In fact, 92 % of domestic abuse assailants reported use of alcohol or other drugs on the day of the assault, according to an article in JAMA.

But there are other studies that question whether there is a cause-and-effect relationship. Although research indicates that among men who drink heavily, there is a higher rate of assaults resulting in injury, the majority of men classified as high-level drinkers do not abuse their partners. Also, the majority (76 percent) of physically abusive incidents occur in the absence of alcohol use. In short, it appears that alcohol does not and cannot make a man abuse a woman, but it is frequently used as an excuse. Many men drink and do not abuse anyone as a result. On the other hand many men abuse women when they are sober.

One of the vivid incidents in my life that still comes back to haunt me happened when I was in graduate school. I was having dinner at my major advisor's house. It was a late dinner which always happened there because happy "hour" generally lasted about five hours resulting in dinner around 10 PM.

Anyway, there was a knock on the door. I was closest so I opened the door. There stood an older woman naked from the waist up, with dark bruises on her torso, her lip busted and bleeding, and her eye blackened. She was crying and begging to come in saying that her husband had beat her up.

I remember feeling shock, horror, fear and anger all rushing at me at once. I must have been in shock because I invited her in as if she were another guest coming to dinner. My date also looked horrified but had the presence of mind to grab an afghan off the back of a chair to cover the lady.

By this time, my major adviser and his wife came in and seemed to be nonplussed. The wife lived next door. Evidently, the husband was a drunk who on occasion would take his frustrations out on his wife and beat her up. I wanted to call the police but was told that it was best to stay out of it--The couple would handle it "their" way. So after getting a shirt for the lady to wear and making sure that she wasn't going to die right away, my major adviser escorted the beaten wife home, found the husband passed out, and left her to take care of herself.

I know that I didn't have a role in the abuse but have also had to face the regret that I have had about not doing more for the battered woman. I had never seen battery of another person. But I acquiesced to what my major adviser said. It's one of those things that I have inventoried.  And perhaps that particular incident had a lot to do with speaking up last week that I wrote about in this post.  I have read that getting the police involved can also trigger more violence.

Whether or not domestic violence is "caused" by alcohol seems academic when faced with the real thing. Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims, and have major league denial. Abusers suffer from low self-esteem and don't take responsibility for their actions. They are filled with fear and seek to dominate someone else. 

There are many informational sites on the web about domestic violence. Here is a list of some of them: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/abuse/Domestic_Abuse_and_Violence.htm

The Al-Anon Marshal

My home group has several newcomers who are just learning about Al-Anon. They have started to hear things that make some sense. And they are also opening up to share at meetings.

I had the topic for Monday night's meeting. Here's how the meeting went:

• Newcomers are really digging the meeting because they are cross talking all over each other.
• I am the Al-Anon marshal (=chair) for the night so I explained that we don't interrupt each other in meetings. (Translation: let's not have a free-for-all ladies. Remember Tradition One??)
  
• The next share is by a newcomer who said that she chose to leave her active alcoholic for her emotional health.
• The next newcomer sharing asked, "Well, aren't you supposed to stay with someone in sickness and in health? If alcoholism is a disease, then aren't we supposed to stick around with the diseased person, just as we would for a person with cancer? We wouldn't leave them, so why leave the alcoholic?"
  
• I, as the Al-Anon marshal, say with a great deal of sincerity that we aren't here to question the actions of another but to share our own experience, strength and hope. (Translation: Whoa, better break this up before things get nasty!)
• Then another newcomer started quoting biblical scripture.
  
• I'm hoping that the bible quoting will be brief. It was. (Translation: I'm glad that I didn't have to explain that religion is one of the obstacles in Al-Anon).
  
• Another newcomer shared that she was accosted by a drunk fellow in the grocery store. He was "stalking" her, asking for help and said that he was drunk. She wheeled around and said, "I'm Al-Anon. And you stink! Get away from me!"
  
• At this point, the room erupts in laughter.
  
• I am realizing that I'm really not the Al-Anon marshal here. (Translation: I'm deputy to this petite, blonde newcomer who wants to take names and kick ass)
  
• After the laughter died to a chuckle, I manage to mumble something about keeping the number for the AA intergroup handy to give to drunk people who follow (=stalk) us. And that we maintain anonymity (=don't shout Al-Anon at people) via Tradition 12.
  
• Finally, after the meeting ended, I talked to the person who had blown my anonymity by telling my story to a relative. (Translation: I had done a Step 10 and needed to be honest about what was bothering me).
  
• I was glad to get out the door and into my car for a fast get-away.
  

These things happen at meetings. And it seems on this night, the meeting was more about how to have a meeting than about the topic. The chair of the meeting is supposed to make sure that the meeting has some order and that the traditions are upheld.

Newcomers are important to the fellowship. Yet, as Tradition One states, our common welfare comes first. I didn't particularly like the role of having to provide a reminder to the newcomers but maybe it will help not only them but everyone else as well.

As my sponsor said later, it seems that we hit on just about every one of the three obstacles and a few of the traditions. It was a learning experience for all of us. I'm turning in my badge for a few weeks.

Tradition Two

I decided to write some more about the traditions. My first post was on Tradition One, so today's post is about Tradition Two: For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

For me, the main principle of Trad. Two is humility. This tradition tells me that I give guidance (not advice), that I trust, be accountable and courteous. Just as I need to be heard, so do others. Guidance comes through sharing, listening, and pointing out choices. We are but trusted servants guided by a loving Higher Power, not dictators.

I like the idea that God is the boss. He is the one authority. I am working hard at subjugating my ego and allowing Him to guide me.

In my relationships, I can practice this tradition by not taking over responsibilities without consulting my partner. I don't dominate others. I've found that my wife will expect me to lead and there is a tendency when that happens for me to begin to feel indispensable and self-important. It's easy then to step over the line to manage things for her which leads to control.

My wife tends to be unsure sometimes and is happy to let me be responsible. And being the adult child of an alcoholic, I'm only too happy to slip into that familiar coat of assuming responsibility. But if I take over responsibility from another, then they are absolved of any kind of failure. Essentially, they get to skate free.

What this tradition means in my relationshiop is that both partners must actively participate in order for there to be love and growth. We must remember that active participation by both members in the relationship is vital to its growth. No partner can assume the position of speaking for the other without first having consulted him or her. This is simple courtesy.

I've always been amazed at how much courtesy we have for strangers. Yet when we are dealing with the most precious persons in our lives, we sometimes leave simple kindness out of our manner.

For me, the hardest part of this tradition is maintaining autonomy in a personal relationship. I have to work at keeping the focus on myself. I like the idea of people working together in unity but also maintaining their own interests. Coming from an alcoholic marriage, I could often want too much "togetherness" and that is confining and unhealthy. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person, but it means that I don't give up who I am to be in the relationship. I can maintain my goals, desires, and dreams but also respect and support the goals, desires, and dreams of another and allow them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. I think that this makes a healthy relationship.

To make this tradition applicable to Al-Anon meetings, it's important that each group not be a carbon copy of the other. I like individuality with the groups. In some birthdays are celebrated, in others there are speaker meetings. What I think makes Al-Anon special is the way that we can each express our thoughts without fear of criticism, interruption or gossip. We can in short be ourselves within Al-Anon.

Obstacles

It's a Monday and that usually means getting a mind adjustment for going back to work. Instead, I was greeted with a car that wouldn't start which meant another trip to the dealership to determine why, with a new battery, there is still something (a short, a bad alternator???) draining the battery. It wasn't exactly how I had planned to start the day. But somedays you just have to roll with the punches.

I'm glad that all the blogger friends in Texas withstood Ike. I don't think that my colleagues at the Galveston Laboratory are doing well at all. They probably lost not only their homes but the lab is likely devastated. I haven't heard any news on that yet. The Houston and Galveston areas look really bad. Recovery from damage like this takes time and a toll on people after a while. And it's made worse by no electricity.

Living without electricity in the South means hot, humid days and lots of mold. We managed to survive 23 days with a generator that ran the well pump and kept the freezer and refrigerator going. I have become a creature who like air conditioning, especially when it's near 90 F and about 80% humidity.

These are obstacles that can break serenity. Yet, in spite of all the problems, buildings can be rebuilt, the electricity will be back on, and life goes on. Like my father used to say, "Get back on the horse after a fall".

At tonight's meeting, I'm going to chair and have as a topic the 3 obstacles to success in Al-Anon:

1. DISCUSSIONS OF RELIGION

Al-Anon is not allied with any sect or denomination. It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion. Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none. We defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious tenets.

2. GOSSIP

We meet to help ourselves and others to learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy. In such groups gossip can have no part. We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic; our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together.

3. DOMINANCE

Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve. No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority or give advice. Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, rotation of leadership. We progress in our own way and pace. Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have disastrous consequences for group harmony. The key thing to remember is that we all are equal in Al-Anon. The newcomer has as much a say as the old timer.

When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time. Orison Swett Marden

Withholding

Since being in the program, I know that I haven't been totally present in a couple of relationships. One has been with my wife, who I love but have also pulled away from in recent years. I think it's mainly been to protect myself and make myself less vulnerable. Sometimes my body has been present and my mind hasn't been. Sometimes my mind has been present but my body has shut down.

I think that at the time I entered Al-Anon, I needed time out in the relationship. Maybe it was appropriate and healthy to shut down at that time. As my recovery has taken steps forward, I've focused on the things that I want to do. I've not shut my self off in the relationship anymore, but I'm not as available or present as I once was.

And in a friendship that I've written about on here, I've basically let it go. After making my amends, I pulled away and have heard nothing from the person. It's as if the friendship didn't exist. I think that I was unavailable to the friendship during the time when I started in the program. I was no longer present or the same person as I was before.

And then there is my avoidance of a meeting where I originally started in Al-Anon. I began in Al-Anon there but found that over time, the dominance of one person made me uncomfortable. So I decided to attend other meetings and effectively closed myself off from that group.

And now I'm wondering whether these were all healthy choices or part of some kind of withholding and relationship sabotaging on my part. By withholding and departing, the other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone.

So I'm pondering what I accomplished by backing away. Was it because I needed some time to get my own head together? Did I need time to heal? To sort things out? Or was I using some old adaptive behaviors from my past in which I hid, ran or let go of relationships because I was afraid that there was no other way to take care of myself? Dog eat dog, run or be killed, hide or be found.

Today, I believe that in my marriage I have become a different person. I am no longer just there because of another but am working on a life that includes things that I want to do. In many ways, it's a much better relationship than before. Not as confining, not as predictable, not as filled with anxiety. It's as if I have become my own person and not an extension of another.

In the friendship, I withdrew because I couldn't foresee that there was anything left on which to base a friendship. My repeated attempts to call or contact the person were largely ignored. So during the amends, I saw that the other person had decided to shut down and no longer wanted to be available. I accept and respect that decision.

In the case of the dominant "leader" of the meeting, I sense that the other person is controlling and manipulative. I don't get a feeling of warmth and love. I don't get a feeling that the person "walks the walk". The amends born of my resentment to her is one that I need to make. And then I can move on.

Withholding can be a double edged sword. It can excise those people that may be harmful but it can also sever relationships that we didn't intend to remove. Handle with care. It cuts both ways.

Some questions and few answers

The birthday celebrations were nice and the information on achieving independence through Al-Anon was good. It was a pleasure to hear each of the birthday celebrants tell about their interpretation of being independent in their thinking through recovery.

There was an unfortunate situation that arose that evening that I have questions about and few answers. The situation was this: I invited a friend who I met at an Al-Anon meeting to attend the meeting on Sunday evening. This lady has been in AA for quite some time; however, I've never asked her about sobriety or any other information about her time in AA.

Anyway, after the birthday celebration, the lady who has many years in Al-Anon and who tends to dominate the meeting said to my friend that she looked familiar. She also asked what brought her to Al-Anon. Now, my friend jumped in with both feet and proceeded to provide more information than was really needed. The lady then asked about my friend's sobriety date and she answered that she had been sober from alcohol for 8 years but had a slip with some pills 5 months ago. I knew as she was talking that she was laying herself wide open for a flaying. I watched the domanatrix as she asked these pointed questions that had no relevance to being at an Al-Anon meeting.

Later, my friend had tears streaming down her cheeks because she felt put on the spot and humiliated. She felt angry at herself for answering questions that had nothing to do with why anyone comes to Al-Anon. I talked to the dominatrix and she said that my friend had no place in Al-Anon but should go to AA or NA. She strongly expressed that Al-Anon isn't for AA's and that my friend needed to go to AA and not be in Al-Anon.

I don't get this. I don't believe this. I think that Al-Anon clearly states its purpose to be for families and friends who are troubled by someone else's drinking. There are many AA's who attend another Al-Anon meeting who are never asked to reveal their association with another 12 step program. There are many Al-Anon attendees who have a loved one who is an addict, not an alcoholic, yet no one ever tells them to not attend. Aren't we supposed to extend the hand of Al-Anon when anyone anywhere reaches out for help? That's what we say at every meeting. I'm wondering now whether that is just lip service at this particular meeting.

These types of things are serenity breakers for me and they could drive someone who needs help away. I'm not even sure how I would cope in this situation. I know that my gut tells me that these are questions that should never have been asked. I'm just sorry that my friend had this experience from someone who purports to have compassion.

Thinking about what makes us who we are

After last night's meeting, I've done a lot of thinking about the actions that we display and how they may benefit or detract depending upon the true intent. The lady who shared her story last night did it bravely and with much feeling. There was a lot of pain expressed. I could feel the level of disappointment over being let down once again by promises that couldn't be kept. The alcoholic is unreliable and it's best for each of us to never forget that. But we also are unreliable because our emotions can take a downward spiral at any moment.

I don't think that I was truly prepared for the intensity of the meeting last night. I had been riding my own little wave of good feelings, and yet I knew that the pending departure of someone I love was weighing heavily on my mind. In short, I feel grief and a great loss. When I first got to the meeting, I could feel my level of anxiety increase. This group is one that I consider my home group since it's where I started. However, there have been some dynamics within the group that put me ill at ease. Nonetheless, I shirked that off and became absorbed in the lady's story. At one particular emotional moment, her sponsor got up and went over to hug her tightly. I wondered at this as it seemed that she needed to get out the emotions and didn't need the distraction at that moment. Then at the end when all was over, her sponsor spoke up and said some things that I found detracted from the story and basically stole the power of the lady who shared her story.

I've seen this happen in this group before. There is one person who dominates the group. I've managed to get past most of it but there have been moments when I've felt defensive and disgusted. It's important to have Al-Anon not be dominated or controlled by any one person. Everyone's sharing is important and worthy and should be done without concern of approval or negative comment. I know that the one person who dominates does so out of a need for control and attention. However, that need isn't something that I choose to nurture or accept. I dealt with parental messages and criticism when growing up and it isn't something that I want to hear in an Al-Anon meeting. Going to an Al-Anon meeting shouldn't create anxiety but lessen it. I've given some thought to actually not sharing on my anniversary date but going to another group instead where there is much more freedom and serenity. I don't like to not face difficult situations but I have to do what I need to do to feel comfortable.