A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

I am your family member, lover, friend.  I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship.  I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.  

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me.  If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself.  I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober.  I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore.  I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting.  I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.  Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay.  I accept you as you are.  I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be.  For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace.  I know now that half measures will avail us nothing.  Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me.  I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments.  When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me.  Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves.  Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also,  let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words.  Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses.  Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one.  Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.  The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

A letter from the alcoholic

At tonight's meeting, we discussed a reading from the Al-Anon pamphlet "3 Views of Alcoholism". The following is a letter from the alcoholic that is found in this pamphlet.

"I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them every time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in anyway to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you,

Your alcoholic"

I have read this time and time again....and every time I read it, it's just as powerful as the first.  It pretty much says it all.  I did or thought about doing most of the things that are written. I am grateful that I went to open AA meetings and came to have compassion for the alcoholic.  I realize that each day is a new day.  I think of those that are sick and suffering with the disease. It is a terrible thing for the alcoholic and those who love him/her.

In a few days, I'll post the response from the Al-Anon side of things to this letter. It too is powerful.

Tapping on an unsuspected inner resource

I received great news last night that a good friend passed the exam for his Merchant Mariner Master's license.  This is something that he has wanted for some time.  Ten years of alcoholic drinking from his late teens into his late 20's robbed him of a high school degree,  positive study habits, and a host of other things that the non-alcoholic learns at that age.  His inability to do math has been a huge drawback.  His ADHD mind just doesn't process how to do even the simplest of equations.

I've been in touch with him while he was away at a maritime training institute.  Several phone calls were to tell me that he had passed several tests.  And then there was the phone call to tell me that he did not think that he could possibly pass the chart navigation part of the exam.  It included math formulas.  Nothing he had studied was making any sense and the courses that he took previously on navigation were like a blank in his mind.

I told him to do his best and think positively.  I went over some of the equations with him, reminding him that he mastered them before.  I don't know how the ADHD mind works, but I have some idea of alcoholic thinking which is mostly pessimistic and even negative.  He has said that this was his "last chance" to make something of himself.  Getting this license was, in his mind, an opportunity to prove that he amounted to something.  Even though he has been sober for 21 years, he feels so much unworthiness.

So he has been in lectures all day and into the evening for the past two weeks, has stayed up late and gotten up very early to study.  He has studied with the intensity of someone during college exam week.  And I wondered whether he would be able to pull it off.  Yesterday, it all came together with something clicking in his mind enough to get a 90 on the most difficult exam and scores in the high 90's on the other exams.  I am more than glad for him.  For him this was a milestone of success.

I don't know how it all came together in his mind on the one day when it really counted.  I can't explain these things, but somehow, I think that a power greater than him had a hand in this too.  And from this accomplishment, his parents, his family, his friends are all heaving a sigh of relief and smiling with joy.

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped on an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a power greater than themselves." ~Alcoholics Anonymous

Would you date an alcoholic?

I get a few emails and admit that sometimes it takes me a while to answer them.  Since retiring, I haven't been as vigilant on checking email as I used to.  It would seem that now I would have the time--LOL--but funny how I seem to fritter away time doing all kinds of things and still stay up until midnight.

Anyway, in an email post, a fellow wrote to ask my thoughts on dating an alcoholic.  First some background,  I haven't "dated" in years.  As a matter of fact, when I first met my wife,  it was at a party, and she was drunk.  Our attempts at dating ended up being non-dates.  We worked as graduate students in the same building, saw each other every day,  so we would just hook up and go do something together.  We attended a lot of graduate student parties where there was a lot of drinking.  By the end of the evening, she would usually be drunk, and I would watch over her.  Some of the greatest times that we had were when we got away from the party scene and went camping on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.  Like Lois experienced with Bill W. when they would hit the road on the motorcycle, getting away from the parties and having a geographic cure were times of peace and normalcy.

When I look back on those crazy years, I see so many red flags.  But I was in love and that does strange things.  Also, I was already co-dependent so I thought that I could change things, protect her, make her happy, and so on.  Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs.  But since we both have been in recovery programs, things have been much better.  I love her and know that she loves me.  Are things perfect? No.  We are both sick people getting well.  There is not much use pretending otherwise.

So when asked whether I would date or be in a relationship with an alcoholic, I have to say that I would not.  I once heard someone say that they would  no more start dating a practicing alcoholic or even someone in their first five years any more then they would have unprotected sex with a rabid streetwalker that was foaming at the mouth.  Funny, I didn't think of any of that at the time C. and I met.

I am attracted to alcoholics because the ones I know are intelligent, funny, spontaneous, and loving. Sober alcoholics who have worked the steps, have a sponsor that they use, have a heightened level of accountability and spirituality. But I also am aware that the alcoholic and I think differently in many ways.  Maybe we each are broken in places that still need fixing.  And eventually those broken parts grind against each other.

My experience would be to take it easy and go slowly....in all relationships.  If you meet someone who sparks something within, take a breath and listen. You may hear something that is really important, like "I got drunk at...." or "I got arrested at..." or  "I hate so and so because blah..blah..." or "I like to party..." or "I'm new in sobriety..." or "I can handle my drinking ."  These would have me signalling frantically for the waiter to bring me the check.  And admittedly, the scariest statement made to an alcoholic might be "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I just pick jerks and assholes. I am like an asshole magnet.  I think my chooser is broken."  Flashing lights, danger alarms, and the Augah sound of a diving submarine should signal to run for the door.  But so often, we choose to ignore what we are told directly because the rules don't apply to us:  "She will change for me",  "I'm different" or "Love can conquer all".  Really?  Ummm....no, what you see is what you get.

But there are some exceptions to the rule out there.  There are people who we meet who get their act together, we get our act together and things work out.  But the big "rule" that seems to be truth with few, if any, exceptions is we pick our mirror.   So if you want to date an alcoholic, then proceed with caution and be aware that you might be like "Forrest Gump" when he opens that box of chocolates.  You don't know what you may get--it could be a box of crazy mixed up nuts and not some smooth center.  It takes practice and a lot of being centered to get the picker tuned up and "stick with the winners".

I've written before that I wish everyone would work the 12 steps. It provides a level of accountability and insight that is so important.  Those who simply go to meetings and say that they are recovered may actually do great harm. The best relationship to have is first is with yourself, the one in which you have your own best interests at heart, where you trust yourself and won't compromise yourself when you see a red flag or a boundary that is broken. 

Trust yourself, listen to your flags, triggers, intuition, feelings and issues.  With awareness, loving kindness and forgiveness, you can change what no longer supports your beliefs about life.  Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love and it's not healthy.  Accept your limits, know them and state your boundaries.  If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is still a duck regardless of how dynamic and charming it is.

Dating someone in recovery can be boiled down to this: The Odds are Good, But the Goods are Odd ~~Anonymous

Dogged and worse

I talked with my sponsor this morning.  During the conversation I mentioned that one of the events at the Al-Anon convention was lead by a declared alcoholic who also happens to be a GR for a group that he started in the area.  He is energetic, enthusiastic and glad to be of service.  The conundrum is that he is also an active member of one of the open AA meetings that I attend.  I see him there when I go, have heard him declare himself an alcoholic, and see him as a GR at our district meeting.

I know, as does my sponsor, that the World Service manual is clear that alcoholics cannot start an Al-Anon meeting nor can they serve at the level of GR.  I've written about that before on here.  My sponsor sees no problem that someone with long-term sobriety would serve as a GR.  I disagree simply because I do believe that these are separate fellowships.  Once an alcoholic serves as GR,  regardless of how enthusiastic the person is, then a precedent is set in which others will do the same.  I know that we both have strong feelings in opposition here.

There is a district meeting coming up in March.  I am struggling with whether to bring this up as a topic under new business.  Perhaps it could be handled by copying information from the service manual and stressing that "double winners" don't serve in GR capacities.  But what if the alcoholic remains silent and decides to continue as GR and the "leader" for the group?  It is a question of how dogmatic I want to be and whether I want to push the point.

One part of me says "back off" because feelings will be hurt.  The other part of me believes so much in the traditions and in keeping Al-Anon at the level of GR and above for just Al-Anons. I go to open AA meetings and don't share, much less sign up for service. I have no problem at all with other service positions being fulfilled by "double winners". They may sponsor, serve as secretary, treasurer, work in outreach, and do a host of other service activities.  And alcoholics have the right to the same recovery that I have found in the Al-Anon fellowship.  The only requirement for membership is that they are affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend.

My father used to tell me that I always wanted to carry my point.  I wonder whether this is another example of the dogmatism that has served me well at achieving goals over the years. But hurting others due to a dogmatic attitude is a different thing.  I am going to pray about this and see what my inventory tells me.  Do I need to just say "how important is it?" or do I need to make it important?

Darting about

"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through". Bob Dylan

“Wit is a treacherous dart. It is perhaps the only weapon with which it is possible to stab oneself in one's own back.” Geoffrey Bocca

Shadow and Inky gave me the Premio Dardos (Top Dart) award. Now, don't get the letters confused on the second part of that name. It clearly says Dart. And it's an award for those that "transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write". Wow--that's a lot of good stuff to consider when writing posts. I just like to think that I transmit what's on my mind.

Anyway, I appreciate being considered as a Top Dart. Maybe this means that my aim is sharp, straight and true. That would be a good thing.

I'm also darting about a bit on this Friday. Here are some things that I'm thinking today:

• That this program and what it's done for me have put some great people in my life.
  
• I'm going to meet with two of them today, both sponsees.
  
• These sponsees are both on Step One which is an essential one to understand.
  
• Being powerless doesn't mean that I can take my power back anytime I want.
  
• I'm glad that I was awake and coherent enough to talk with someone from the program who called me late last night with some heavy stuff on their mind.
  
• That a fellow blogger who had a bad slip a few days ago is still thinking that he's in charge
• That it's easy for the alcoholic in my life to take back her will and drink.
  
• It's a fine line that we each walk between grace and destruction.
  

Have a good day out there.

Tradition Three

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

• Principle: Focus
• Traits: singleness of purpose, keep it simple

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Al-Anon and the recovery offered me is my primary focus. This does not mean I have the right to force my belief in Al-Anon on others. My recovery does not detract from my family’s unity. My preaching may.

To LEARN how to join Al-Anon or form a group, turn to Tradition Three, which tells us that any individual can join simply by deciding he or she is troubled by another person's drinking. A group can be formed whenever two or more persons get together to use the Al-Anon principles to help themselves. The only stipulation is that the group itself not affiliate with any other program, religion or cause. This stipulation is intentionally simple and inclusive. It insures that when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help in dealing with the effects of another's alcoholism, Al-Anon will be there. This tradition points out our singleness of purpose.

Most organizations have specific requirements for membership and some way to see that only those who qualify are admitted. Applications are created and obligations are spelled out. Al-Anon is different. If you think you are troubled by a drinker, you are welcome.

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Although there are many good, related endeavors, our experience indicates that we lose the vitality and effectiveness of our Al-Anon program when we stretch ourselves too thin by trying to be all things to all people.

Practicing this Tradition brings us personal growth and expanded recovery. For all who come through the doors and claim by their presence that they have a problem, we extend the hand of fellowship. We offer them unconditional love and acceptance. It is simple.

We do not use our group for other purposes or link our group to other causes, treatment programs or outside endeavors, however worthy they may be, because we want to be sure Al-Anon is always available to us and others in need of the help we have found so useful.

To an alcoholic, with love

The following is a letter that appears in the booklet Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009. I found this letter to be particularly moving. It pretty much sums up what I've felt in my relationship with the alcoholic.

You’re an alcoholic. I thought you needed me, that’s why I fell in love with you. It was easier to delve into your drama than to look at my own issues.

I wasn’t the problem; you were. If only I could fix you, we could live like normal people, happily ever after. With blinders on, I didn’t want to acknowledge your alcoholism as a disease. It’s very hard, you see, because you weren’t losing your hair like a cancer. It’s a disease of the soul, and your soul was the last thing I was privy to. Mentally, I know you have an illness. Still, some days it’s hard for me to accept your actions as part of your disease.

I lectured, blamed, and scolded you for not being able to hold onto a job, drinking yourself into oblivion, and making yourself so sick you wanted to die. But I wasn’t accepting you for who you are. I was angry that you didn’t fulfill my lofty expectations and I reacted by attacking you with a torrent of hateful, vindictive words. I was holding onto my need for you to be what I wanted you to be. I should have looked at myself before casting stones. I added to the hatred you already felt for yourself. I am very sorry.

I’m ashamed of the things I did in the name of loving you. I wrote your résumé and set up job interviews. I drove you all over town. I covered for your illness so that your aging parents have no clue to this day that you end each night drunk, with a bottle in your hand, and begin each day with a new bottle. I spent money I didn’t have to give you what I thought you needed. The more loving and helpful I tried to be, the worse you became—and you turned away from me.

I let you use me and exploit me. But what did I get in return? You weren’t there for me when I needed emotional support. Adding insult to injury, you’d lie about where you’ve been or who you
were with. You’d make promises that gave me hope—and I always believed you.

I persevered in our relationship, even in the absence of affection and intimacy. I lied to myself that you loved me anyway. I accepted even the most mediocre gesture of caring. You shredded my heart and yet, I kept that ember of hope alive, thinking that maybe this time it will be
different, maybe this time he will realize just how much I mean to him. I still thought you would become the man I always knew you could be.

Was I in love? Or was I obsessed? You have your alcohol and your demons. I have you. You are my drug of choice. You were my world, you were my life. It was too painful for me to watch you dying before my eyes. I was lost and out of control. My pleas, threats, and ultimatums didn’t work. I had no more strategies to try.

Realizing my powerlessness, I got down on my knees and prayed. By the mercy of God, I found Al‑Anon. In Al-Anon meetings, I shared my story with others and learned that their stories were mine also. By listening to their experiences, I came to understand that you will find your own path, in your own time, without my help.

Whether you’re in my life or not, I still think about you. I still care about you and love you. But I’ve pulled my expectations down from the stratosphere. I’m exploring joy, forgiveness, and gratitude instead. More and more with each day’s passing, I’m finding love for myself and
my own life.
by Gloria R., from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009

Opinions

You've heard the old adage that "Opinions are like a_holes, everybody has one". But what about those opinions that we form before we have adequate information. I'm talking preconceptions here.

I've done it before--judged a book by its cover, formed an opinion before I knew the facts. And with alcoholism, I've had preconceived notions about what the alcoholic will do or what will happen in a particular situation. It's almost a Pavlovian response. If you experience enough chaos, disappointment, and let downs, then you come to believe that's all you'll ever get.

I suppose it's only natural to think that if 99% of the time you've had a bad experience around the alcoholic, then it's highly probable that bad experience will occur again. But sometimes you are pleasantly surprised.

For me, I've learned not to have high expectations of people in general. It's best if I just let myself be surprised when the 1% shows itself to be good. Fortunately, these days I find life with my alcoholic to be good most of the time. But I still have those preconceptions that nag at me. I have evidence that I could be let down at any time. So I keep my expectations low, mind my own business and generally follow my "gut" when it comes to feelings. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might just be a duck.

Alcoholism as a disease

The meeting topic last night was alcoholism as a disease. The person who brought up the topic shared that it is both a physical craving and a mental obsession.

I know that accepting the disease description helps me to better understand the individual. I can accept and have compassion for a person who has this "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease.

I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to help the alcoholic. If I were to devote my life to "fixing" the alcoholic, I would only harm her and myself. I would harm through enabling and doing for someone what they have to do for themselves. Instead I have chosen to help myself through the Al-Anon program.

I don't need to go back to asking the question of why the person I love is an alcoholic. I have to accept that is the way it is and that my SO has a disease that can make her sick. I've also accepted that she isn't a bad person.

I have learned that having a compulsion to drink is a terrible thing. I've listened in open AA meetings about how hard it is to not pick up a drink. Have you ever had a compulsion to eat ice cream or pizza, even though you were on a diet? What did that compulsion feel like to you? How much did you struggle with it? What did you feel like when it bested you? What did it feel like when it didn't and you were able to withstand the compulsion? What does it feel like to know that you can never eat another piece of pizza or have any more ice cream...ever? If I think about those things, then I can better understand the territory of the struggling alcoholic and addict.

But I can't do anything about anyone's alcoholism because I don't know how. I don't have that compulsion that would kill me. My alcoholic can only get help with another recovering alcoholic and by practicing a program of honesty and willingness.

Because I need to work on my own issues from living with alcoholism, I focus on my own program. Getting through the affects of alcohol requires a lot from me. It requires detatchment, patience and humility. It requires being teachable and allowing room for great successes and great failures. It requires serenity, courage and wisdom. It requires honesty and the willingness to change.

Shadow asked....

Shadow asked whether Al-Anon cautions against alcoholism and becoming an alcoholic as part of its program of recovery. My answer would be that the focus in Al-Anon is on recovering from the effects of someone else's alcoholism whether it is in a friend or family member. The focus is on sharing our experiences of dealing with alcoholism in our lives, how we got better and what steps we are taking to achieve serenity.

There are many recovering alcoholics who come into Al-Anon and find their serenity in its program. Likewise I am sure that there are Al-Anons who make it to the rooms of AA. But both programs practice the 12 steps and Al-Anon's twelve steps are based on those from AA. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone who has worked the steps in Al-Anon and achieved some manner of recovery would want to jump into the fire by becoming an alcoholic. But strange things happen and "never" is a God word.

First oyster roast

The oyster roast on Saturday was nice. It was good weather and a good band was playing. The whole weekend was great in fact. The only problem was that it wasn't long enough.

The GR meeting on Saturday went well. I ran into someone from work who was as surprised to see me as I was to see them. It's a small world when it comes to the effects that alcohol has on people. I've run into a couple of other people from work or that I know by going to meetings and roundups. It doesn't feel awkward to me but almost like I finally know this person and we share something special. That's a nice feeling.

Anyway, the person from work lost his wife this past year and she was a bad alcoholic. He's been going to Al-Anon for a while. I didn't know that and had wanted on several occasions to invite him to a meeting but figured that it's attraction and not promotion that would get him there. At the meeting, he volunteered to do some service work for the District which is great. And I said that I'd help out as well. Since we are in the same building, I figured that we could put our heads together and help each other out.

Now we'll have another aspect of our relationship. 'Amazing how this works.

Anger hurts

I've been thinking about how anger is a hurtful thing. I saw it on the ship this time and heard about it from several people. Just seeing someone go off on another indicates the amount of physical and emotional energy that anger takes. It's not a productive emotion for me and seems to take away my enjoyment of people and opportunities around me. The words that are said during an angry interchange can maim the soul. But after an angry outburst, it takes me quite a while to get the event out of my head because I go over it and try to figure out what happened.

It seems that angry people like to think that they are justified with making themselves and everyone around them miserable. Anger seems to be selfish because things can't always go the way that I or others want them to. People won't do what I say. Things in life aren't going to run smoothly for me or anyone else all the time. I have to accept that and just deal with it. Getting angry isn't going to change anyone's viewpoint or make things run more smoothly. In fact, I've found that anger has the opposite effect.

Maybe it's the nature of the alcoholic to be irritable. I've wondered about that because I've seen a lot of irritability with an alcoholic friend on my last cruise. He became enraged with other people on board. He cursed and generally acted out. Is this stress or just the alcoholic mind at work? My friend has been sober for many years and I've never known him to blow up like this. I know that he has issues with hypoglycemia, but somehow I think that it was linked more to stress.

I've read that alcoholics can have hypoglycemia that makes for irritability. Eating sugary foods seems to make the situation worse. I don't know the answer but having been on the receiving end of alcoholic frustration at home, I know that it is painful for both parties. The person who is angry feels bad about losing control and self-esteem seems to suffer even more. I basically don't want to be around someone who is angry so that adds to more feelings of isolation. Apologies that are repeated over and over don't work anymore.

So now what I have to do is my part--forgive those who have been angry and who have lashed out; accept that their anger is theirs to own and not mine; and remember to think before I open my mouth with hurtful words.

"An angry man is again angry with himself, when he returns to reason. "(Publilius Syrus)

The alcoholic love relationship

I've heard it said over and over that co-dependents, especially those who had alcoholic parents, are attracted to alcoholics. If I'm any proof of that, then it must be correct because I grew up with a father who drank and I married an alcoholic. I also have a close friendship with an alcoholic. What is it about the alcoholic that is so attractive?

With my father, I tried to please him. I did this in all kinds of ways--getting good grades, graduating at the top of my class, being Phi Beta Kappa, and other things ad nauseum. He criticized me and my resentment would build but I would keep trying to please. When I was a kid, I accepted the criticism with hurt. When I became a teenager I got tired of the orders and the criticism. I would be angry and if pushed enough, would lash out. Otherwise, I tried to avoid him.

When I married, I thought that I had found a person who was troubled but I found that very exciting. I was willing to accept unacceptable behavior. I thought that by loving this person enough, I could make changes occur. Maybe what I was thinking was that I could somehow make it right this time since I was unable to change my dad. Whatever the reason, I married for all the wrong ones. My SO was the life of the party, until the alcoholic personality came to light. Then, the depressed angry drunk emerged. No amount of love ever changed that. In my years of marriage, I've tried just about everything except getting out. I've thought about that but instead I internalized my anger and stifled the love that I had. Gradually over these years, I fell out of love with the alcoholic. I love this person as one would love something that once was shiny and new but now has dulled with age. You remember when it was shiny and new and wish that it could be like that again. But, you know that it's worn out and you can't make it new again no matter how hard you try. That's the way I've felt for a long time. I've craved something that I've missed and used to have.

What I've come to realize is that love doesn't have to be like what I've experienced. If you love someone, then you are willing to be vulnerable but not willing to accept unacceptable behavior. You take care of yourself and speak up about your discomfort or concerns. You keep the communication flowing. You are honest and trusting. No relationship is ever going to be perfect or smooth. Crises will occur because that's the way life is. But it's okay to detach in a loving way if you feel manipulated. Al-Anon is providing me with the tools to better understand the alcoholics in my life. I'm not sure where my marriage is heading but at least we both talk now and admit when we've done something hurtful. We don't go to bed angry. We both are much easier to be around. The irritability with us seems to be lessening. My need to control anyone's behavior has ebbed until it's hardly a trickle.

It's ironic how that things have improved so much, yet I'm not sure that I want to be married anymore. I think about being on a boat by myself and doing the things that I like to do without discussion or consideration of anyone else. Maybe this is what recovery does---it makes you happy being in your own skin. It makes me realize that I've spent a long time making others happy and what I now want to do is make myself happy.

Enabling

I am thinking today about how much I enabled my qualifier over the years. Enabling to me means the things that I've done that might make it easier for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn't any binge drinking or staying out all night. It was more of an internal rage that resulted in the need to have several drinks. This was especially bad at parties where I had no "control" over the person. Now I realize that my anxiety and embarassment was enabling. What I could have chosen to do is not go to the party or go without the alcoholic. I never felt comfortable after I saw the third beer or second drink consumed since I knew that many more were to come.

I probably did many other things to enable the alcoholic, over and over again. It really took a major shake up for the alcoholic to take notice and get some help. I no longer try to rescue the alcoholic nor do I feel stifled in doing the things that I like to do.

What I now realize is that until the alcoholic's drinking, thinking and behavior becomes painful enough they will not reach out for help. If I try to help diminish their pain then I am really preventing them from feeling that "pain" that would be a natural result of their own actions. I am effectively cushioning their downward spiral and if I make things cushy enough then they won't even know that they fell. If they never face the pain their drinking causes, why should they ever quit?

Some angst over party

Just when I was bitching about not being invited to parties, along comes one to go to tonight. It's a retirement party for someone that I've worked with for years. My "qualifier" wants to go also which is okay. However, I still feel that familiar anxiety return whenever there is the thought of being around a bunch of people who are drinking. An alternative that went through my head for a fleeting moment was to just go to dinner and forget going to the party, once again denying myself some semblance of a social life outside of Al-Anon. Because I know that I am powerless over alcohol and people, places and things, I think that going and detaching is the thing to do. I can't control any impulse to drink by anyone so I just need to put aside the fears, place this with my Higher Power, and have a good time.

Before Al-Anon, I would dread any kind of party because it always meant an excuse for my SO to get drunk and later there would be the verbal abuse and bad shit that alcohol brings out. My SO isn't a happy go lucky drunk but becomes moody, morose, and spews out all the snakes that live inside. I would react to this in the early years by placating and pleading. Later on, I just gave up and decided that nothing I would say or do would make any difference. I was consigned to just suffer through and try to cope. One particularly bad time early in the marriage when I was very down after a drunken spew, I picked up the phone and called the local Hotline. What I got on the other end was nothing helpful. I realized then that the relationship was on the skids and there was nothing that could save me or the alcoholic.

I knew nothing about Al-Anon at that time. In fact, I went to therapists and psychiatrists to talk about my feelings and that never really provided much sense of well-being either. The last therapist that I went to was the best and through her I was able to see that I needed to take care of myself. However, it wasn't until I started with Al-Anon that I began to see that there were lots of ways to put into the practice the idea of taking care of myself. It's one thing to know that you have to do that, but it is another thing to actually walk the walk. I've still got a long way to go but I'm developing some of the skills to be able to detach and take care of me.

Acronyms

When I first started in Al-Anon, I thought that there was a different language being spoken. There are a lot of phrases that are used such as "One Day at a Time", "Let go and let God" "How important is it?" and many others. One of the acronyms that I could identify with was F.I.N.E. which means F--kedup, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. How true those adjectives fit me!

I came into the program after a lot of years of frustration, anger, self-pity, denial and low self-esteem. I always thought that I was a bit of a loner, although I like people. Now I've come to realize that I didn't let myself get too close to people for fear that they would know what kind of life I've had.

Denial is all about covering things up. In my childhood, one of my early memories of fear came when my dad had an automobile accident as a result of driving under the influence. I can still remember the police coming to the door and having my dad walk through with his arm hanging in a crooked way. He had broken his shoulder in the accident. Because my family was well known in the small town where we lived, there was no ticket or fine or anything. My dad had some beers and then drove his car too fast, spun the car out and broke his shoulder. End of story for the police since it was a single car accident. At that time, the local doctor who was a family friend, came to the house and splinted the arm. It never set properly and always there was a look of dislocation to his shoulder. I can remember the fear that I felt when the accident happened. Was my dad going to die? Why was he acting so different? These kinds of things were very scary for me.

As I grew older, I began to see that my dad would sit and sip whiskey on the weekends. He always went to work, always had a good job and was well respected in the community but something was obviously sad for him or why else would he hide a bottle and sip from it? I knew where the booze was hidden and thought many times about pouring it out. I hated having to be around the slurred speech at dinner time. I would retreat to my room and try to shut everything out by reading books or listening to music. I had friends but felt embarrassed to bring them over on the weekends. I never knew how my dad would be. He wasn't often brutal to me, although he would take a belt to me occasionally. Those times were painful for me because I didn't think that I deserved the punishment. I remember waking him once when he promised to take me to see some horses. I got the belt for waking him up. He also would issue a lot of orders to me, telling me to behave a certain way or to not "spill my guts" to my friends because they would then know as much as I did.

All of these instructions and the emotional strain at home pushed me towards perfectionism. That is a common trait of adult children of alcoholics. I began to develop a lot of anxiety over my school work. I loved first grade because I was popular and enjoyed playing with other kids. By fourth grade though, I was eaten up with anxiety. I had to make straight A's and had to have the teacher and others like me. It was no doubt the manifestation of my co-dependency: Be perfect, manipulate others for strokes, and hide the sadness with a facade of false smiles. I had a fourth grade teacher who didn't fall for my stuff and it was the first time I remember being hard hit by rejection. I was to have a lot more of that as the years went on.

An introduction

This is a big step for me. I'm taking my shared thoughts out of the meeting rooms and putting them up for the world to see. I've not been in recovery very long and journaling is a big part of the recovery process in Al-Anon. So by having this blog, I'll be providing a journal not only for myself but perhaps for others out there who have had to deal with alcoholism in their lives. It's not a pretty story by any means. I'll be telling part of my story here but for now I'm just glad that I took the step to start this online journal.

I've been to two meetings this week. One was a small one in which I ran into an old friend who I never knew was struggling with the effects of alcoholism on her "qualifier". In Al-Anon, we have to have someone in our lives who is affected by alcoholism. These people can be called our Alcoholic, our Qualifier, our Loved One, etc. The other meeting was larger and one of the ladies in the group told her story. It was poignant and yet filled with hope. Another thing about Al-Anon is we share our experience, strength and hope. I've had the experience, I'm gaining strength to take care of myself and I'm hopeful that I will gain serenity and peace.

If you don't know much about Al-Anon, then visit the website
You'll find a lot of good information that will tell you what the organization is about, how to find a meeting, etc. This journal is for me and maybe you so that you can see where I've been and hopefully follow where I'm going.