This Thursday Morning

I am sitting in a waiting room at a local eye institute where my wife is having eye surgery this morning.  She has a congenital cataract and decided it was time to have the surgery done. 

The big bridge has been closed for a couple of days due to ice. The most recent storm was not as bad for us as the previous one, but it was much worse for neighboring counties. Ice has brought down trees and limbs, blowing transformers, and causing thousands of power outages. 

So we were on our way this morning early to get to surgery. I am no longer a morning person, as if I ever were! I stay up until midnight and almost feel drugged when I get up at 5 AM. I am thinking that a nap in front of the fire will be good later. In the meantime, C. will have an eye patch for a day.  Kind of sexy in a swashbuckling way.

I met with the fellow I used to sponsor. We had a great talk and came away with good feelings. We both acknowledged our part and then moved on to have a lot of laughs. Amazing how I have learned to not take things personally and don't have to be right or justify something I've done.

Life is good. The coming week is supposed to be warmer. It has been cold and rainy. Progress will continue on the backyard landscaping next week. And I know the birds will be happy with new plants. Meanwhile, the male cardinals continue to slam themselves against windows when they see their reflection. So far no knockouts, but mating season is definitely causing some ruffled feathers. 

Hope all of you are hanging in there with the cold weather.  Stay warm!

Freeze and Thaw

We survived the great ice storm here.  It was beautiful for a couple of days--a chance to hibernate inside with a warm fire going.  There is something so comfortable about winter and the tendency to pull inside and enjoy the quiet.

Over the last week, we have had the freeze, then the thaw with great chunks of ice falling from the trees.  One of the main bridges to the town where I keep my boat was closed due to icing.  Once it was opened, I was able to travel to the boat to make sure all was okay. I listened to the ice fall from the rigging to the deck.  And the bridge was closed again because ice was falling from 200 feet and crashing through car windshields.

I am meeting up with a fellow I sponsored for about a year and a half tomorrow. He emailed me a couple of days ago saying that he wanted to meet because he been withholding some feelings, which doesn't seem fair or honest.  He doesn't want to "drop a bomb" on me, and would like to be positive and work it out, if I will hear him out.  I'm not at all sure what this is about.  I called and left a message for him to call me, but he hasn't done that and continues to text me about when to get together.  I somehow feel that a bomb will be dropped but will hear him out.  And I will look at my part in whatever is bothering him.  I'm keeping a positive feeling about this as he and I have had a close relationship in the past.

The new fellow that I am working with seems to be hanging on to a lot of self-pity, but we are moving on in our step work.  I know where he is coming from because I have felt wronged and discarded many times.  We are moving forward in a positive direction though.

Lastly, I felt a lot of sadness about the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman from an apparent heroin overdose.  The disease is waiting and doesn't seem to take a day off.  Such a sad ending for anyone.

Hope all of you are doing well. I can't seem to get much time as I would like to visit blogs and comment.  Hope to make up for that this week, although I will be on the boat from Wednesday through Friday.

Moving right along

The backyard landscaping project is coming along. The walkway and patio are installed, and next week the fireplace will be built. I am looking forward to having the first fire out there.  We have plenty of wood stored from the death of an old water oak in the spring.  Months later, we finally finished splitting and storing it.  

I was on the boat for a few days this week.  It was as windy as I've seen it and cold.  The boat was covered in salt spray so I gave her a good rinse down yesterday.  Thankfully, I was able to stay warm with the propane heater going and a heavy double comforter with flannel sheets. 

I have met with a new fellow I'm sponsoring several times over the last week. We are managing to get past the constant focusing on the alcoholic and are actually beginning to talk about what his actions are and how unmanageable his life is.  I don't know how it's going to go when I sponsor a new person.  Some are willing, some say they are willing but aren't, and some simply give up before any work is done.  So far this fellow appears to be willing to do the work. 

Trust is something that has to be established as part of a relationship between a sponsor and sponsee.  I can feel that trust is being established as we talk and share with each other.  I have been a trusting person all my life.  It's odd that only in recent years have I learned to be more discerning about who I trust. 

And I know that to a couple of people, I let them down.  They trusted me to be who they wanted me to be, and I failed by being someone else who was imperfect.  I have made amends to them for my part.  That's about all I can do. Maybe one of these days, the realization will come that none of us is without defects of character. 

In the mean time, I keep moving along in a positive direction.  Discussions with the landscaper today were about the plants that we are going to put in along the new walkways in the backyard.  Discussion with the new sponsee were about letting go of old ways and developing a new plan for living life.  The magic of growing. It all feels good to me.  

The reunion

I am back home after one of the best times I have had.  The HS reunion was a blast.  For some reason, I knew that it was the right time to go and am so glad that I did.

The venue was great.  The event was held on a large farm owned by classmates who married after HS.  They have a lot of huge farm equipment, a crop dusting plane and a helicopter. The latter was in operation for most of the time of the reunion because R. was giving rides to anyone who wanted to go.  He and his wife A. had set up many tables in their plane hanger and each was decorated with chrysanthemums.  The photos will speak to the event much better than my words.

I reconnected with so many people I hadn't seen since graduation.  And, yes, many of them still live in the county where they grew up.  But everyone was funny and engaging.  One fellow told me that he never had a shot at the good looking girls or the smart ones, so when he married one of the most popular girls he definitely "married up".  Another school friend said that he would do his best to cheat off my paper in the math classes where he sat behind me.

So many people would come over and shake my hand or give me a hug, recognizing me after all these years.  I have to say that more people recognized me than I them.  Loss of hair and weight gain made it hard for me to tell who most were.  I had to look at the name and the photo on the badges.  I still have hair and haven't changed much in weight.  I apparently got taller too! What mattered was that once we recognized each other, there was sheer joy.

I saw several of my old teachers.  Mrs. P. who taught me algebra, geometry and trig was there.  And I talked to my former political science and government teacher.  I am grateful for the good education I received from them and others.  Mrs. P. was tough and had old school gentility.  She wasn't a particularly likable person, but I found out later that she had a difficult husband and her only child who was a wild fellow, died in an accident.  Knowing the burdens that others have makes it easier to understand their behavior.    

I saw my old girlfriend from HS and some other ladies that I dated.  My former girlfriend came up behind me and put her arms around me.  It was nice to talk with her and find out about her life.  She has twin boys and lives in California.  I also talked to another lady who has known me since first grade!  We had a great time laughing about the adventures we had growing up. She remembered that I would keep trying to crawl out of the classroom in first grade and that I stood in the corner a lot!

Several of my classmates have died--some by suicide.  The girl that I took to the prom my senior year killed herself a few years ago.  A memorial table had been set up for those who died.  That was a nice touch and a reminder that I'm glad to still be here.

I went to this event with low expectations, and I came away with a wonderful feeling of friendship.  I made amends to those that I thought I had wronged. I don't care that most of these people have different political or religious views or that they didn't go to college. We didn't talk about any of that.  We just shared what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now--just telling our stories to each other and connecting in a good way.  I've already signed up to go to the next one!

And here are some photos from my home town. So glad to know that I can go home again.

near the Court House

Main Street 

Looking north on Main Street

The old Ordinary (or tavern) dating to the 1700's

The old library where I checked out so many books

The former drug store where I read comics

Family graveyard

One of the old places that I remember, badly in need of restoration now

Back home

I am back at home port. It was a wet ride back, with the worse part being the big seas once I got into the harbor. It feels good to be stopped once again, after the nine hour trip home.

The speakers yesterday were awesome. The morning Al-Anon speaker had a daughter affected by alcoholism. It was a moving story of how she learned to not enable and set clear boundaries with her daughter. It's clear that some Al-Anon's cannot stay away from alcoholics because this lady married four of them. The only non-alcoholic she married was too boring so she divorced him too!

Her daughter was the afternoon speaker. It was interesting to hear the mother/daughter story. Both are close and grateful for the recovery they found.

The evening speaker was Danny B. from Spring, TX. I imagine that Pam and Dave know of him. He had quite a story about being in mental institutions, prisons, gangs, and Mexican jails. He shared about turning himself in for robbing a bank as an amends. But he was set free because the police didn't believe the real criminal would turn himself in. I still can't figure out whether he really robbed the bank!

I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when he shared about making an amends to his father who was dying. I know that I was thinking about my own father and wishing that I had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him before he died. It is one of my great regrets.

But all is okay right now. I had a great time, got to know a great bunch of alcoholics, made some new friends, and learned more lessons in my recovery.

More was revealed

When a friend went to visit my father-in-law yesterday, I met him at the nursing home. I had more clothes to drop off and some laundry to pick up. He took those things back to Pop. They talked for a few minutes. When he came back to the nurses' station, he said, "Hey man, he seems to be in a good mood so what if I ask him if he wants to see you?". He came out nodding yes.

When I went in the room, Pop smiled at me and asked how I was doing. Well, I sat down next to him and told him how sorry I was for my actions the other night. I told him that I hoped we could still be part of each other's lives. When he said that things happen sometimes and all is okay now, I felt such relief.
It was one of those moments when a great weight is lifted. It is like the soul lets out a deep sigh.

So we had a good visit. My friend, D., likes history so Pop told him stories about the naval war in the Pacific. The nurses said that they liked Pop and thought that he was "sweet". What a difference a few days made.

When I called my wife, she cried. She did not want to be estranged from her dad. I realize that all of this is one day at a time, but I do think that by understanding more about his disease, I am better prepared for any change in mood. He is on a mood stabilizer which helps him, but I can't help but think that other things factored in. My friend D. who has been a recovering alcoholic for 21 years can be witty, charming and disarming. The Higher Power provided a positive energy and opportunity. I know that things can change, but I said what I wanted to say to him with love and no anger.

We left on the boat early this morning to catch the tide. So far, we have walked on the beach, read and slept. It has been a good day. Tomorrow evening, we will head back and C. will visit her dad. Her mom is visiting tomorrow afternoon. For the moment, things seem positive and possible.

I will meet you there

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about the difficulty of having relationships with those who no longer seem to be on the same wave length.  People change as a result of their life experiences.  And old relationships that once seemed so steady and fulfilling can become stale.  It is easy then to fall into a trap of resentment.

I think that it's a misconception that having a relationship with another human being means happiness and concordance all the time.  Nurturing a relationship certainly takes selflessness, patience and tolerance, even when I may not feel those things.

I don't want to live in solitude or isolate from others.  Yet, I find that I am often disappointed by people.  That is the risk in human relationships.  Maybe it is a sign of growth in myself that I can see the differences, but equally important for me is to understand more about myself and how I relate to others.  I would like to focus on our similarities, rather than go on a fault finding mission.

I know that I am tolerant of differences in people.  How they look, what they wear, their financial status,  where they live are not important to me.  I have a need to connect with people at a deeper level than what the exterior shows.  When I think about all the people who are in my life today,  I wonder sometimes how well I really know them.  But I do believe that we learn from each other, although we may travel on separate paths.

One of my character defects is having expectations that far exceed the abilities of most humans.  I fall short of my own expectations, so there is no need to wish others to be perfect.  Lessons in patience and tolerance are everywhere in my life today: Listening to elderly people tell me the same thing over and over; frustration with friends who are no longer attending meetings; wishing that others made different choices.  But I don't think the people in my life are here out of simple randomness.  There was something within me that was drawn to others.  I am sure that the attraction I felt for my wife was not coincidence.  The close friends I have are those that I connected with at some deeper level.  The lock and key of relationships fit for a reason.

Although I may be tolerant around those I know superficially, I found by doing my inventory that I had little tolerance for those with whom I loved the most.  My tolerance around the alcoholics in my life was low.  I found fault with so much.  Once I owned up to my part in things,  I was able to see that we learn from and teach each other.

Some of the people who may be the most difficult can be great teachers.  That is something that I struggle with.  There is a fine line between accepting unacceptable behavior and having limits to tolerance.  I do my best not to discount my intuition and reserve the right to be wary before trusting everyone. If a red flag goes up, I had best not ignore it.  Yet, I do believe that it is possible to overcome differences and for us to meet somewhere on level ground.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi

No one is perfect here

I started beating up on myself last night when I went to my Advanced Piloting course.  I hadn't picked up the plotter in about nine months, and it felt like a foreign object in my hands.  All of a sudden,  I felt panic and fear as I was doing a simple refresher exercise.  What if I can't figure this simplest of problems out?  What if someone sees me struggling?......What if I fail?

The instructor said he could see that some of us needed to get reacquainted with the plotting tool.  And indeed, I wasn't the only one who was trying to remember how to orient it.  I wanted to grab my parallel rules, but we are supposed to be using this more accurate device that isn't at all intuitive to me.  So we were supposed to go home and practice with it, doing the exercise until we could use the tool quickly and proficiently.

So far,  I haven't done any practicing because I spent most of the day taking my mother-in-law for a doctor's appointment and lab work.  Then there were things to do when I got home at nearly 3 PM.  I knew that today was going to be a full day.  I wasn't feeling particularly jovial and found myself feeling exasperated and impatient.  Even though I spent almost five hours with her,  bought her lunch and some fried chicken for their dinner this evening,  and visited for a while after I took her home, I still felt like I was a jerk. 

Beating myself up used to be a regular thing.  And that's why the first person on my amends list was me.  I needed to forgive myself for all the guilt and harsh thoughts that I had about myself.  I know intellectually that no one is perfect.  I realize that nothing earth shattering is going to occur if I have to re-familiarize myself with something I haven't worked with for nine months.  But it's my ego that brings up the voice inside my head that whispers, "You're not good enough."  Those old messages are the ones that sneak back to break me down and send me into despair.

So I am writing this down here, "I am not perfect and can forgive myself for my humanness." It is a reminder that I will make mistakes, look foolish, fumble, and struggle.  But I don't have to feel bad.  I can forgive myself and let it go.  And in making mistakes and admitting them,  I align myself more with others.  By being kind to myself,  I can then be kinder to others.

Now I'm going to see if I can plot a course with the plotting tool!

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.  But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.  ~Carl Schurz,  1859


Some of us, observing that ideals are rarely achieved, proceed to the error of considering them worthless. Such an error is greatly harmful. True North cannot be reached either, since it is an abstraction, but it is of enormous importance, as all the world's travelers can attest ~Steve Allen

Friday

I came home and crashed yesterday afternoon.  Exhaustion had set in along with a bit of a cold.  I don't like to miss work, but I'm going to stay home today as well.  I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. 

My amends yesterday made me feel better.  Although the person who chaired the meeting last week wasn't there, I called her last night and left a message saying that I would like to talk with her.  I learned that she was upset because I left the meeting and thought that it was her fault.  My behavior had a domino effect of making others feel bad.  And my resentment that day did nothing for me at all.  So I'm glad that I had a chance to clear that up at the meeting yesterday. 

I am going to meet with a sponsee later today.  He is making great progress on Step Four.  In fact, two of my sponsees are tackling the rather daunting Blueprint for Progress book that is part of Al-Anon's Step Four.  I can see the changes in them, and they have said that they feel as if they are finally getting it.  It just takes a while. 

I am not going out on the boat this weekend.  I will likely go down to the boat and check on her, but Saturday is supposed to be rainy and cold.  Sunday is the day of the gigantic oyster roast that we attend each year.  There will be 10,000 bushels of oysters and thousands of people there to eat them.  We have our tickets so I'm going to rest up for the Sunday festivities. 

I hope that your Friday is going well.  

An amends to Al-Anon

Today is bright and sunny.  I feel tired and not filled with much energy. I know that I would like to go home, get in bed with a good book, read until I'm sleepy and then take a long nap. Instead, I am going to my noon meeting.

Last week, I left the meeting before it was over.  There was so much cross talk and triple dipping that I decided to quietly get up and leave about ten minutes before the meeting was over. I thought that the meeting was being hi-jacked. I had a resentment and acted on it. Today I will go to the meeting and make an amends to the group.  Regardless of what is going on in a meeting, I can quietly wait until the meeting is over to make a comment if a tradition has been violated.  Or I can request that a group conscious meeting be held if there is something that I think needs to be addressed.

My judgmental attitude towards those who are in my meetings does nothing to help me or others.  I am only exercising my old pattern of thinking that I know a better way.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. Paul Coelho.

Guilt

"Perhaps the most severe damage to those who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that they are somehow at fault; they were not up to it all, not attractive enough, not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one they love. They think it was something they did or did not do. These are their feelings of guilt." from Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism

The meeting topic last night was on guilt. I'm feeling spectacularly guilt free these days. But I haven't always felt that way and every now and then there will be that nagging little feeling of guilt that starts to creep into my head.

I can remember a friend in graduate school who apologized for everything. He said "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day. He said it so much that it became meaningless.

I don't have a desire to hoard up guilt. But like my friend in graduate school, I still have a tendency to take the guilt from someone else to make sure that they don't have any. And sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing. It seems like an automatic response when someone hurts my feelings. I seem to revert back to that little boy who wants to make sure the other person feels okay, so I take their guilt.

But I'm learning in the program to pay attention and notice when I start to pick up something that isn't mine, like guilt. I've heard to "screw guilt". Another good one that I read is "guilt is like herpes: its the gift that keeps on giving."

I don't want guilt to cloud my vision of the facts. I don't want to become enmeshed with my own emotions to the point that I lose the true motive of guilt which is to remind me of wrong and right and the humanity of each of us. I know that in spite of my character defects, I'm one of God's creatures.

In this program, I've learned that I can acknowledge my wrongs (Step Four) and set the wrong right by making an amends (Step Nine). I also know that through the second and third steps that I can surrender to my Higher Power all of my guilt, earned and unearned.

Here are some questions that I can ask myself if I feel the need to have a guilty moment:

Is this guilt I am feeling about a direct action of mine?
Did I do something out of spite, revenge, meanness or cruel intent?
Did I not do something because I simply forgot or was otherwise occupied?

If I answer NO to these questions, then I am probably taking on guilt that I don't own. I might need to look at my sense of over responsibility and seek guidance from my HP for healing and letting that go.

If I answered YES to these questions, then I can seek my HP's guidance in what amends need to be made. Holding onto guilt isn't going to solve anything. Ultimately, I need to remember to "Learn the Lesson, Let go of the guilt".

What about compassion?

For the most part, I hear a lot of compassion in Al-Anon meetings. I know that the program may get a bad reputation from some. There are a lot of Al-Anon jokes. And I can laugh right along with the rest because they are funny.

Most of us aren't hard nosed, although there are a few that label themselves as "black belts" in the rooms. But for the most part, I don't see the program as teaching how to land a good round house kick on the alcoholic but about how to become centered within ourselves and become spiritually and emotionally whole.

But there are occasions when I hear something that makes my hair stand on end. Not long ago I heard a share from a woman who said that she had found some photos and letters from another lady when she was cleaning out her husband's things after a divorce. She realized from the photos and letters that her husband had an affair with the other woman for quite a few years. So she packed up the material, except for a few photos, and mailed it off to the "other" woman's husband.

She was really proud of herself for doing this. Most of us sat dumbfounded. Wow, I thought, this is going to be one heck of an amends to deal with if that time ever comes.

I prefer to deal with my resentments in a more constructive manner. And to do no harm to those who are really innocent. In fact, I don't wish to do harm to anyone. That is a real miracle of this program.

By the way, I can do a decent round house, but I think that kind of thing is better used at the gym than in Al-Anon.

What if amends aren't accepted?

Findon recently had a really good post on making amends. His post reminded me of the first living amends that I made. My sponsor told me to make amends to myself first which I did. I made a decision that I needed to take better care of myself spiritually and emotionally. Only then did I proceed to approach others.

My first living amends was to a friend with whom I'd had a falling out years earlier. It's not important what it was about, other than to say in retrospect it revolved totally around two large egos (his and mine) butting against each other.

So I rang him up (he lives in another state) and told him that I wanted to put things right between us. I told him that I had been obstinate and prideful. To my surprise, he was pleased to hear from me, said that he had missed our comraderie, and wanted to get together when he next came to the area. Sure enough, he did come down and we went out to dinner. To this day, we have the ability to laugh and to be comfortable with each other in a meaningful way.

But what do you do when you make an amends and it isn't accepted? I had that happen with the second person that I met face to face with. It was Christmas and somehow all seemed right in my mind and heart for making amends. The fellow had been my closest friend until he found out about my wife's alcoholism and my struggles to deal with that. A wedge in our friendship grew into a gap and then a large hole formed. He didn't want to listen to what I had to say. And so I had no choice but to accept what he said and acknowledge that this friendship was over.

This result was one that my sponsor had warned me about. Not all amends will be graciously accepted, not all will be reconciled for the other person. What is important was my willingness to make amends. If someone does not accept my intention, then I need to let it go. I have done my part.

I think that willingness to change my behavior is the key to making an amends. I need to get honest about my character defects and become willing to give them up. I needed to transform my attitude in order to make a sincere amends. Otherwise, I am just a hollow man speaking hollow words.

The amends I made were my first attempt at restitution. With my wife, I talked to her about how much my old behavior had been selfish and motivated by my fears. I have changed my behavior to be much more at ease, accepting, and humble with her and others in my life. Whenever things get tense or stressful, I remember that I have a choice about how to react. I prefer to not revert to my old behavior but to look to my Higher Power for guidance. I need to live the words that I spoke during the amends.

I believe that by being mindful of my attitudes and by accepting that the Twelve Steps represent a permanent way of life, I can live differently.

Heard in a meeting and a message to my dad

We're here because we weren't all there.

You can be a survivor or a victim. Being a survivor means that you work through things. Being a victim brings a lot of pain.

There are times when I think that there will be no more good times. But being in here, I can dare to hope and not let disappointment wreck me.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.....The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously...... Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this letter to my father when I did my ninth step. It seems appropriate to post it here today as I did several years ago:

Dear Dad:

I think about you often and over the past year have come to love you more than I believe I ever did. I have thought and spoken of all the things that you taught me. I wouldn’t have learned to love the water as I do if it hadn’t been for you. And because of what you taught me about boats, I’ve made a career of not only doing my work from boats but seeing many things in the ocean that few have ever seen. I am grateful for what I learned from you.

I’ve often wished that you were here so that we could talk about how things are now in my life. I’m not the same person that I was in 1985 which was the last time that I talked with you. And I’m not the same person that I was a year ago when I decided to change my life for the better. I’m in a program that has helped me to learn more about myself and to take responsibility for how I live my life. I always thought that I was responsible in my life but the difference is that I’m living a spiritual life now. And it’s a wonderful feeling because it means that I can look inward at myself and my faults in an effort to be a better person. And I can do this without being afraid. I no longer am angry at myself or feel empty.

I know that when I was young, I was strong willed, independent and proud. I loved you, but I also feared you. I wanted your approval and thought that I could get that by changing who I was. Yet in doing so, I built up resentment and anger. There were times when I wished that you would die. I know now that I can change but it’s to be the person that my Higher Power wants me to be. I no longer want to shape myself to be what another person wants me to be. I don’t need to do that anymore.

I have learned from this spiritual program that we all make mistakes in living and that we all need improvement. I know that you did the best that you could do for me. I realize that you always loved me and wanted what was best for me. You taught me many good traits of character. These are lessons that I will carry with me and that will hold me in good stead for the rest of my life.

What I need to tell you is that I also always loved you. For those times when I was filled with resentment and anger, I am truly sorry. I have learned that resentment and fear are human emotions but that they keep me from being truly free in my mind and heart. I am working every day to recognize when resentment and fear occur and take steps to not be consumed by them.

Finally, I want you to know that if I could physically be with you today, I would take you out on my boat, show you the beauty of the water here, and enjoy your company.

Your loving son,

Syd

Sexual inventory

I was reading Mr. Sponsor Pants today and thought that I would call attention to his excellent post (most of his posts are all excellent by the way) on a newcomer wanting sex with someone in the AA fellowship. I'm not going to recap his response here as you can read it and absorb it for yourself.

I was thinking though about the sexual inventory part of the fourth step. My sponsor had me do my fourth step using the Big Book method as well as Al-Anon's Blueprint for Progress. The fourth step as described in the Big Book lays out the inventory of sexual conduct in a thorough manner:

"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it" from How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wrote out my inventory thinking that Mr. Brown looked pretty good compared to my story. After writing out my fourth step I had planned to take it to a meeting with my sponsor so that we could discuss it. But for some strange reason that I will never fathom (God's plan not mine?), I left that inventory on the counter at home.

Later during the day, my wife was doing something in the kitchen and the inventory papers were knocked off the counter. Guess what page was on top when she picked up the papers off the floor? Yep, the sexual inventory. Right there. Laid out in great detail. Every past relationship with names and my conduct in the relationship.

I remember the look on her face when I got home that evening. I remember the feeling of regret and shame that I felt as well. I'm not going into further details here, but it was a hurtful experience.

Yet, that experience also brought with it an opportunity to heal by getting information out in the open. What was immediately hurtful became truthful. I think that my acknowledgment on paper of my part helped us both to see the healing and humility of the fourth step. We didn't retread that path, and in many ways it was an opportunity to do a living amends.

Forgiving ourselves

The topic at last night's meeting was how to make amends to ourselves. Not unlike the alcoholic, I came into Al-Anon with a lot of baggage. I was unhappy, emotionally bankrupt, and fed up with so many things, most of all the alcoholic. I was ready to leave my marriage.

Gradually, in baby steps, I began to see that instead of blaming my problems on alcoholism, I needed to look at what I was doing. So by turning the magnifying glass on myself and working the steps of the program, I came to realize that I needed to acknowledge my own role in things. It would have been easy to get stuck in my own self-flagellation about what a bad person I am and how selfish and dishonest I had been in the marriage.

Instead, I learned that for all those character defects that I had, I had a lot of positive assets as well. I also learned that by talking to my sponsor and to my Higher Power, I could share those things that had been rotting my soul. It was a major step towards forgiving myself and letting go of the past.

So through the program, I've come to realize that the things I've done are human things, and that beating myself up over the past keeps me stuck in self-pity. I've learned that my Higher Power isn't vengeful but understanding. And that if I trust, have willingness, faith and humility, then I can move forward to the present and leave the baggage of the past behind. That's how I learned to make amends to myself.

Talking about amends

Last night at my homegroup, we discussed Step Nine. The meeting was something that I really needed as I'd had some unresolved stuff floating around in my head since the weekend: A resentment of a good friend who decided to let his alcoholic behavior come out.

I've seen him throw tantrums before so it wasn't anything new. I have become tired of them though. And generally the tantrum is such wasted energy that could be channeled into something productive. Becoming angry, cursing and yelling masks not only the real problem but the real solution as well. So I found myself taking his inventory in my head.

So I am glad that we discussed amends last night. We shared about the amends that we made that weren't accepted. My sponsor has had a few of those. And I have had one of mine ignored--not exactly not accepted but ignored at the expense of some judging comments tossed my way. A great thing about Step Nine is that by going to make the amends without expectation of the outcome, it's okay if the other person ignores, rejects, or accepts what we have come to say. And that's because when I made my amends, it was a great feeling and one that made me feel relief and light in my mind and body.

So I'm not going to channel any more thoughts into someone else's misery. My friend will deal with whatever is going on without my presence. I'm moving on to more productive thinking and putting a "not for rent" sign in my head.

Making a list and amends

In Step 8, I had to make a list of the people I'd harmed. The guiding rule for this step has to be that they were harmed. But I've also read that they have to know that I've hurt them. If I made amends in Step 9 to someone I'd hurt in ways that they didn't know, then I would be harming them by trying to make amends. I think that the exception to this would be theft. But a basic thought in making amends is to do no harm.

In making amends, I have had to feel that the time was right. I needed to have some spiritual peace about making the amends. It's not something to rush into just for the need to get it done. Also, I didn't need to be too specific. The people I’ve harmed have a good idea of how I hurt them. There was no reason to hurt them all over again by dredging up the past. I needed to say that I know that I've hurt them. The most important thing I did when making an amend was to shut up and let the other person say what they needed to say. I had to be prepared to hear what they had to say.

The amends process is really about my healing. I hope that it helps the other person to heal but I can't make that happen. But it also isn't about my getting out of a jam--it's about my changing a behavior. I can only do that if I pray.

Helping the other person heal is a secondary gain of the amend. In order to get better, we have to follow up the consequences of our disease in the lives of other people. The Ninth Step is a step of faith-building and faith-developing. I had to go on faith because I didn't know how my amends would be taken with a couple of people. But whether they accept the amends or not, I felt prepared at the time because of being okay with myself and with my HP.

I'm not trying to figure it out

There are lots of good books for those interested in Al-Anon. I have three daily readers that I go through in the evening. For some reason, I prefer to end my day with the readings. It's the quietest time of the day for me and the time that I have to myself. The readings seem to help me get to sleep peacefully.

I have most of the Al-Anon books: Pathways to Recovery, How Al-Anon Works, and Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. But I don't think that I would have gotten much from this program by just reading the books. I've had to learn the program by doing it and following what others taught me.

I am glad that I was willing to listen and to learn. I am grateful for being able to take the program one step at a time. I was eager to not just read about the program but to work it. And gradually by doing what I was told to do--get a sponsor, work the steps, take my inventory and make amends, pray to do His will, and carry the message to others--I am finding that I can live the program and apply it to my every day life. That's a really comforting thing.

Friends through amends

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from the first person I made an amends to. The story of our friendship isn't remarkable. We had a lot of good times together and then egos got in the way of things.

I had mentored him on a project. In subsequent years, he began his own work. And when he asked for my opinion on something that he was doing, I gave it. He didn't like the answer and let me know it. I harbored a resentment about what was said and basically dropped communication for a couple of years.

So when I made the amends, he said that he had missed the friendship and the fun times that we had. So yesterday, he called to ask me to meet him for dinner since he was in town on business. We got together and had a lot of laughs. It was great to be able to talk about what we are doing now and what plans we each have. He is continuing on with his business, and I'm planning to retire in a couple of years. It was a nice few hours spent in comraderie.

It's great how this program works: to put aside bad feelings and step up to a resolution of our differences. And by doing the amends, a different bond is made and a new knowledge is gained.

"We must be willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed. We must do the best we can to repair the damage done in the past. When we make amends, when we say: 'I'm sorry,' the person is sure at least to be impressed by our sincere desire to set right the wrong. Sometimes people we are making amends to admit their own faults, so feuds of long standing melt away. Our most ruthless creditors will sometimes surprise us. In general, we must be willing to do the right thing, no matter what the consequences may be for us." --Twenty-four Hours a Day