Not my zoo, not my monkey

I've heard the expression "not my zoo, not my monkey" a lot lately.  It reminds me of my desire to mind my own business and not get caught up in a lot of drama that wreaks my peace of mind (=serenity).

I have spent a lot of time wreaking my peace of mind by being involved in situations that were not only dramatic but harmful and unhealthy.  I do my best to avoid people that create a lot of drama, beckoning me to be part of their "zoo".

Things go well for me when I am around healthy, intelligent, mindful and compassionate people.  Some of these are working a program of recovery and some are simply enlightened enough about themselves to be in harmony with those around them.  I learn a lot from people who are loving, vulnerable, humble and authentic.  I seem to be at peace when I am with them.

But social interactions aren't always idyllic.  Plenty of people out in the world are restless, irritable and discontent with who they are and emit a negative vibe that can ensnare me in the zoo.  Like the saying, "monkey see, monkey do", if I am around "unhealthy" people enough, then I begin to take on their attributes.

Take, for example, a discussion with my wife who is my touchstone in so many ways.  We both have found a healthy way to express our feelings. We have learned to navigate in a relationship that was unhealthy to where we respond to each other with love, empathy and understanding.  Consequently, our love has grown.  We talk about how we feel when there is a misunderstanding, rather than trying to justify, argue, be defensive or make excuses.

Have you been around someone who goes on the attack when a problem comes up?  I have a friend who is a dry drunk but sober for 24 years.  He is definitely restless, irritable and discontent with much in his life.  After a few years of unemployment, he now has a good job.  Yet he complains about having to be "on call" when it doesn't suit his agenda. Nothing seems to be his fault; rather, everyone else is messed up or is making mistakes. If I am around him for any length of time, I begin to feel impatient and irritable too.

So instead of getting sucked into being captured in a cage in the zoo, I detach and get away from people when they are in a hurtful, blaming, angry and vindictive state of mind.  While it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me get mentally and emotionally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships. If I stay too long, then all of my worst shortcomings emerge. Generally, there isn't just one sick person in a relationship: there are two.

My choices are important because if I find myself in the same situation again and again, then it's my doing that put me in the zoo. I am a "stick it out" kind of person, loyal to a fault. But what that has meant is that I have done the same dance with different people over and over.

I do see my reactions to others have changed in recent years. I don't focus so much on what needs to be changed in them, but about what I need to change and what my motives are for being in a relationship with difficult and unhealthy people. I don't have a magical solution. But I trust my gut feelings.  I observe my dynamics with others, inventory my feelings, detach rather try to change people. I ask myself if what I am doing and who I am with is what I want in my life. Do the people bring me peace? Do I feel loved? Can I trust the person? These are hard questions but necessary for me if I am going to feel uncaged. And that, my friends, is what I place as being most important in life these days.

A real adult vacation and other happenings

The weather has turned hot and humid here.  I knew it would because that is so characteristic of the Lowcountry.  It has also been dry for over a week, and I have been watering the garden and the plants that are waiting to be put into the front yard beds after the irrigation system is laid out.

We decided to have the front lawn landscaped too.  I think that it will be truly stunning when completed. Right now, it looks like a dirt baseball field or a farm plot that a mule has plowed because all of the old grass was scraped up.  But soon it will look like paradise.  It actually looked good before all of this, but after seeing what magic was created in the backyard, we took the plunge on the front yard transformation too.

I didn't write a Mother's Day post yesterday because it seemed just too much. Last year, Mom had died in February. My mother has been dead now since 2005.  The loss of those two women has been incredibly hard. I think about them not just on Mother's Day.  Reaching the stage in life where I am without parents and no close blood relatives is sort of depressing. So I decided that yesterday, I would go for a sail with some friends and then visit the parents of one of my friends.

The sail was on a cat boat which is gaff rigged and only 18 feet. It was a lot of fun, even though we had light air.  The impending storm only concerned us for a few moments.  It did make for a spectacular backdrop for the city though.

I am getting ready to embark on another adventure. We leave for Cabo San Lucas on Saturday morning. Neither of us has been to Baja California Sur before, but I am familiar with the abundant marine life around the Baja peninsula, sandwiched between the Pacific and the Sea of Cortez. And I have read and re-read Steinbeck's Log from the Sea of Cortez, detailing a marine specimen-collecting expedition he made at various sites in the Gulf of California (aka the Sea of Cortez), with his friend and drinking buddy, the marine biologist Ed Ricketts. 

We are now trying to decide what to pack and what to unpack.  I am only concerned about taking my camera bag and tripod, knowing that a couple of pairs of shorts and shirts in a backpack will do me just fine. I can tell you that we are flying there. I have had an unbelievable number of people ask me how I am getting there--as if we are going to sail. I haven't calculated the time it would take to get there averaging 6 knots, but suffice to say, sailing would take a much longer time than we currently have. Now that would be a voyage! 

I am hoping to take in a meeting when I am on vacation. The condo where we are staying is about one mile from the town. So I will be looking for the Serenity Club when I am in Cabo.  Somehow, I think that just being in that place on vacation will be serenity enough. 

Hopefully, I will be able to do some short posts while I am away. I am not sure about the wifi situation. Maybe I will just be off the grid. But if I do post, it will be with some photos and to tell you what is going on. A real adult vacation--the first one in a long time. Too long. Be well. 

The priceless gift of serenity

The weather turned chilly and windy a few days ago. It has been a roller coaster of warm balmy weather followed by seasonal temperatures.  I'm not complaining because both are good.  The chilly temperatures make it a little more difficult to do things on the boat, but when I come home to a warm house and a fire going in the gathering room, it's wonderful. 

Yesterday, we baked pies and pound cakes. The coconut pies and boxed pound cakes above are some of our gifts to friends.  The cookies were baked last night and will be part of the food at the open house we are having for recovery folks on Boxing Day.  So far there are 36 people coming.  It seems a little bit overwhelming at this point.  But I'm sure we will have enough food for them, and it will all be fine.  I like that with so many people around, they can entertain themselves.  

I went to my last meetings before Christmas.  I think that there will be a meeting on Christmas night.  I'm glad that the meetings continue regardless of the day.  Someone who needs a respite, peace, and a safe place to be will find that in a meeting.  There is a place for people to be on days when the world seems too much or the season just a bit too jolly.  That is such a good thing. 

I remember when my wife was first sober, we took a ham and cake over to a meeting on the other side of town.  So many people were there who had no family or other place they wanted to be. The AA club house was open all day with meetings going throughout the day and into Christmas night.  It was truly something that I will remember for many years and still brings tears to my eyes.  Both her sponsors who were there that day are dead.  Others that she truly liked have died or moved away. But I'm sure many will be there on Christmas day to be with their fellows and enjoy the priceless gift of serenity. 

Mental images

I have heard that it's a sign of old age when a person starts to reminisce about the past.  I am not that old, but I have moments when I think about some of the most striking images that I have held in my mind.  These are good memories but mostly they are scenes that I can still remember as sparkling moments of beauty.

I want to share a few of them in photos, but it is hard to get the full impact without all the senses being involved.  Anyway, here is what I can best come up with:

Behind the home place where I grew up, there were woods and fields.  I would travel through the woods whenever I got a chance.  One day, I came upon a knoll overlooking a hay field.  The sun was starting to sink so part of the field was bathed in shadows while the rest had a glowing light.  I was stunned by the simple beauty of the light.  This became a special place for me to visit.  It soothed me when I was sad, giving comfort to an often confused teen.  I went back to this field when I was in college and was stunned to see that the hayfield had been changed into patio homes.  It made an important statement to me about the importance of green spaces and open land.

Another photo that I keep in my head is the blooming of rows of daffodils in the fields and woods around the old home place.  The town where I grew up was called the Daffodil Capitol, and these spring flowers were grown all around the town.  As the fields became overgrown with woods,  the old bulbs would keep producing flowers.  I would go into the forest and marvel at how the bulbs were still in rows beneath the trees that had grown up around them.  My mother would ask me to cut a bouquet for the house so we frequently had fresh flowers regularly in the spring from these ancient bulbs.

Another mental photo that I carry is from the winter snow falls.  I can clearly remember waking on a school day, looking out the window and seeing everything blanketed in white.  As soon as I could, I would have on boots, snow pants and a heavy coat and would be out in the snow.  It seemed magical to look towards the sky and see the flakes falling down.  My little world would be quiet and soft. (The photo above is of the "court green" in my home town.)

And then there was the water which was part of my life then and remains so now.  I remember one day in particular when the light was nearly blue and the water sparkled like a million diamonds were on it.  I had just met the woman that I was to marry and the beauty of the moment seemed to heighten all the senses.  The French call this time at twilight "l'heure bleue" because the light is so exceptional.  I just called it magical. 

And then there were early mornings on the river, getting up before sun rise to be on the water early to catch just the right tide.  The mental picture I hold is one of me with my father in his boat.  Just a boy and his father on the river, seeing the sun come up, smelling the salt air, and feeling the happiness of a day on the water. 

Fall is my favorite season and the falls when I was in Virginia were filled with a profusion of color.  I can see the old Virginia mountains that I would hike through during weekends in fall.  Walking up hills to find meadows where I would pitch a tent for the night, the mountains were light and dark, mysterious and deep.  I met some interesting people on those hikes, and I can still see them against the back drop of the Blue Ridge in my mind's eye. 

And then there is the imagery of Camden Harbor where my wife and I vacationed over a decade ago.  We had climbed up Mount Battie and arrived at the top to get a breathtaking view of the harbor and town.  It was another one of those moments that sticks with you, embedding in your mind.  We simply sat on a rock and put our arms around each other, taking it all in.  

I hope that I won't be a sentimental old fool when I grow old.  As hard as I try to photograph the beautiful moments that we share today, I know that I cannot truly capture the feeling of those moments with a camera.  It is something that will hopefully stay with me in my head to be recalled with great happiness many years from now. 

A day full

Some things that happened today:

• I took one of our Labradors to the vet to be spayed.  She was happy for the car ride, and I felt traitorous as I dropped her off.  I felt better after I got the phone call that she was okay. She is now home and resting comfortably.  She still loves me and gave me a face licking.  The recovery of animals is amazing. 
• A covey (or bevy) of wild turkeys crossed the road on my way to the vets.  They were beautiful. I stopped the truck just to watch them walk-run across the road.  I am glad that wild turkeys are still around our farm.  I think they are neat birds and splendid when they spread their feathers.
• I saw a dead deer at the head of the drive.  It appeared to have been hit by a car.  Burying a deer takes a lot of work.  
• I talked with a neighbor who has dairy cattle.  He has these little calf hutches near his back yard where the calves live.  I saw him at his mailbox and stopped to ask how his cows were doing.  He told me that he was sad because a calf was still born two days ago,  and then the mother died yesterday.  And here I was feeling bad about burying a deer.  He said that animals don't tell us when they are sick.  She was fine one day and then dead the next from milk fever.  I think that he cares about his cows as I do about the dogs.  He does have a 2 day old calf that he wants me to see. 
• I stocked up on groceries for our trip on the boat this weekend.  We are going to a different island up the coast.  A few friends are bringing their boats.  I am looking forward to being around some relatively sane boaters. 
• The sailing and boating club that I belong to had a meeting tonight on whether to a moment of silent contemplation, instead of prayer,  as part of the order of business.  I don't know what it is about religion that causes so much divisiveness, but it surely has been the reason for a lot of killing around the world for a long time.  After each person had their chance to speak,  the vote was to have a moment of silence.  Several members got up and angrily stalked out.  I haven't seen adults do that since the church that I attended as a kid was integrated.  Religious fervor and hypocrisy left a bad taste in my mouth then, just as it does now.  
• I was asked to be an officer in the club.  I declined.  De-stressing my life is a priority.  I believe in what the serenity prayer says about knowing the difference between the things I can change and those people, places and things over which I have no control. 
• And the last thing for today is to read a few blogs,  write in my journal, and shut off the light.  Good night to all.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I was asked to review Eileen Flanagan's book The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change—and When to Let Go. You will recognize the Wisdom to Know the Difference from the Serenity Prayer. It is one that I have used for a long time in Al-Anon. It is said at every meeting. I have used it as a mantra when things seemed unmanageable for me.

The prayer is broken into three parts. The first is a hope that God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. This means that I am powerless over people, places, and things. This is Step One in my program of recovery which is really about my surrender. The second part of the prayer is about the courage to change the things I can.  I know that I can only change myself. And the third part is the wisdom to know the difference between these two: my powerlessness over others and my power over myself. This is really about discernment and choices.  I must exercise healthy choices in order to live a life that is happy, joyous and free.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference is Ms. Flanagan’s idea of a well-lived life. She points out that our culture stresses taking control of everything in our lives. It is stressful to think that we can defy so many things that are really beyond our control. An example given in the book is trying to defy aging by having endless surgeries. This may be a quick fix but in the end gravity will win.

I like the way the book is laid out.  It is divided into a number of spiritual lessons. All of the ones provided are good, but I especially could identify with The Courage to Question, Knowing Yourself, Practicing Loving Acceptance, and Letting Go of Outcomes. These are ones that I would like to examine in my review.

The Courage to Question is something that I have had to work hard on.  I grew up with conditioning from my family. The conditioning was critical and shaped me to not only be critical of others but to be most critical of myself.  In recovery, I have had to change my way of thinking. I don’t have to continue with the dogmas and beliefs of childhood but can exercise my free will to decide what makes most sense to me as an adult. Yet, the author points out the difference between willingness and willfulness. She uses Alcholics Anonymous as an example where willingness to change is more important than exerting will power.

The chapter on Knowing Yourself was another one that particularly resonated with my life.  So many of us are “expected” to do certain things in life, as pre-determined by our culture, our parents, our career associates, our significant others. As I was reading this chapter, I thought of the French sailor Bernard Moitessier who decided on a solo around the world race that he did not want to go back to all the accolades and cheering people. He decided that his place was on his boat and at sea so he pulled away from the race in the Atlantic and sailed half way around the world again to Tahiti. He knew himself enough to know that he would not be happy going back. This is an extreme example. There are other examples such as staying in relationships that aren’t working, staying in jobs that don’t stimulate us, or pretending that we are someone other than who we really are. Ms. Flanagan points out that facing painful feelings helps to not let those emotions control us, which could eventually lead to anxiety, depression, and physical ailments.

One of the great things about Practicing Loving Acceptance is that my relationships with others change as I have compassion.  I may hate the disease of alcoholism, but I can love the alcoholic. Ms. Flanagan points out that acting out our best self can make it more likely that others will change their behavior. I think about not trying to control the alcoholic, but going about working my own recovery and then seeing the positive effects that has had on our relationship.

Finally, the last chapter I want to mention is Letting Go of Outcomes. This has been the most difficult process for me. But if I fully accept that I cannot change people, places, and things, then it follows that I have to let them go to make their own decisions, have their own successes and failures. In the book, we are asked to visualize something that we have been carrying for too long. Write about our fear of letting it go. Symbolize it and then release it. I think that this is what I did in making amends to my dead parents. I wrote out the amends in letters, burning each one in a sacred spot, and having the ashes carried away by the wind.  It helped me to let go of their ghosts from the past.

I found a lot of profound wisdom in this book. It is about our self-discovery and the choices that we have in life. I like the example at the end of the book in which “I’ve got to be in my boat, but I’ve got to keep paddling. But it’s in this infinite ocean. I would just be ludicrous to think I knew fully and completely where I was going….Even when we’re paddling as hard as we can, we can’t control the ocean.” In our own reality, we don’t have to travel down the path of trying to exert control over others, but can change and do those things that will bring peace into our lives.

If you would like to read other reviews of this book, they can be found here.

Looking for the solution

I have caught up on quite a few blogs today.  Every one that I have read has felt sad to me.  People have written about loss of loved ones,  painful worries about the alcoholics and addicts in their lives,  trying to work through depression and expectations.   I feel overwhelmed with all that I have read. 

Generally, when I read what you have written,  I am looking for the solution.  I know what the problems are because I have had them, lived them, and see them all around me.  But the solution is the elusive thing that I seek.  I grasp it like a life ring on some days.  I know what to do, yet there are times, like tonight, that I simply feel less sure about myself and those I love. 

This may be the post Christmas let down.  I know that all the lights and nice decorations will be taken down this weekend.  The house returns to a less glittery state.  There won't be any candles in the windows and no smell of evergreen inside.  The mantles will be undressed of their fruits and boughs of holly.  It reminds me of a fine lady taking off her jewels and party dress to put on a robe with slippers. 

And the buildup to New Year's does nothing for me. I am not a fan of New Year's eve events.  I've never understood the excitement of ringing in a New Year.  It all seems too filled with expectations of great things, promises made, and lots of festivities about a whole year that has yet to reveal one day to me.  I really didn't see anything terribly wrong with the year that is about to be history.

In fact, looking back on the old year that most are so happy to be rid of,  I see that it has had its moments of good times, bad times, sad times, and joyous times just like every year I can remember.  I lost friends, made friends, loved people, disliked those same people I loved, and dealt with each day by trying to find a positive solution to whatever baffled me.

So tonight I am using gratitude to get out of this sad state of mind.  I have had a good day: went to the boat, later took a long nap in front of the fire, and woke up in time to fix a little dinner for us.  I have much to be grateful for.  I could list a hundred things that are wonderful.  So tonight before I sleep, I am going to thank the God of my understanding for allowing me to come this far today and ask for guidance for tomorrow, to do God's will whatever that may be.  I will pray the Serenity Prayer and lie next to the one I love. 

And maybe tomorrow this sad mood will be lifted.  Regardless, I will let the feelings flow through me, knowing that sadness is just as much a part of the mind scape as joy. 

A last road trip

We had a great weekend on the boat.  Today was all about relaxing--sleeping late, having a good brunch, going for a long walk, getting some beach time on a blanket, and generally milking the day for every bit of good that could be eked from it.  It was a warm and breezy weekend, with just enough of the latter to keep the gnats and mosquitoes away.  And cool enough at night to still cover up with flannel sheets and a light quilt on the boat. 

Tomorrow I'm heading out for a work meeting in Virginia.  I decided to drive because the airfares are crazy.  Somehow I don't feel that I can justify having the organization pay $750 for a flight to DC.  Besides I haven't had the pleasure of bumping along up I-95 for a few months.  It will be an adventure to see whether the old construction sites that backed up traffic for hours have finished up and new parts of the decaying highway are getting reconstructed.  I might as well look on the positive side and see what the drive has to offer. 

I am sure that this is the last road trip for work before I leave my position on May 31.  Somehow I've decided that I don't like the word "retirement".  It sounds really old and cranky, and like I will have one foot in the grave.  I don't feel like any of those things.  Nonetheless, there will be more goodbyes to be said at the meeting.  That's okay.  They will know how to find me if they need me. 

I'm sure that one of the things that we will discuss is the disaster taking place along the Gulf Coast. The oil spill that is heading towards the marshes, estuaries and bayous of the Gulf Coast is something that makes me sick.  I think that it is another example of how man's activities are destroying habitat.  This is indeed the nightmare scenario that many have feared.  And yet the safety mechanisms that were supposed to work to stop the flow of oil have failed.  I truly feel powerless but without much serenity around this. 

I will be on the road much of tomorrow and will catch up on blogs when I can.  In the meantime, have a good Monday.

Acceptance is the answer

Barbara had a comment on yesterday's post that I wanted to address.  She wrote:
"This party is a one time event...the LAST party you will every attend with these people. A party for YOU. She is saying she won't go because she's not comfortable around those people, but what about you? Doesn't it matter how you feel? Can't she consider giving up one night to discomfort to stand by her man at his retirement party?"

This was an excellent comment.  It made me realize how far I have come with my recovery.  I did feel some pangs of disappointment when C. didn't want to go, but I understood.  I accepted her answer.  And I felt no resentment.  I think about what the Big Book says about acceptance:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

By accepting that I don't need to change another person, or brow beat them until they do what I want, I keep my serenity.  By admitting that I have no power over the decisions of another or situations that are baffling, then those things hold no power over me. Accepting the decisions of others doesn't mean that I have to agree, like it, or ignore it.  It simply means that I am powerless to make someone do what I want.  I just accept that.  It is reality and not fantasy. 

By accepting that I can make some decisions and take action about what I'm going to do, then I start living life in an active way.  This is such an important lesson for my recovery.  If I give in to wishing that things were different, or start asking the self-pitying "why me?", then I no longer have any serenity. 

Barbara was worried that I might be angry at her comment.  Contrary to being angry,  I feel much closer to Barbara because she was honest in what she asked.  She wrote from her heart.  That is another gift of this program. When I write or speak honestly without a mask, then I have stopped being a counterfeit person who tries to please others at my expense. 

I am making this a Good Friday here. 

Balancing is not an act

I was talking to my sponsor this morning about how calm and serene my life seems today.  There are moments when the old stuff tries to ooze back to the surface of my psyche, but all in all, I have little to get me off balance these days.  My sponsor says that is a sign of recovery.  I like to think that it is a sign of how recovery is helping to keep a balance within myself and with those around me. 

The calls do come in from those who are off balance.  I just received one from a man who attends some of my meetings.  He regularly reaches out to me to talk about his son who is an alcoholic.  The call a few minutes ago was from a frantic man whose 28 year old son came home drunk last night at 3 AM, broke glasses in the kitchen, and locked himself in the study with a decanter.

I asked the man how he was doing, already knowing the answer to that just from his voice.  He said that he didn't know whether to talk to his son or not this morning.  I asked him whether he knew much about boundaries.  And then said that one of my boundaries was not living with active alcoholic drinking.  We talked a bit more about having a boundary in which the son understands that he will not be welcome should he decide to come home drunk.

And then I suggested that the father go with me to an open AA speaker meeting at noon.  That would enable him to calm down; to hear an alcoholic's experience, strength and hope; and to talk more about what he thinks would be appropriate in terms of talking to his son and setting some boundaries.

I am grateful to be where I am today.  I am grateful that others feel comfortable reaching out to me.  I can take them to a meeting where they may hear something that will not only open their hearts but clear their head as well.  God seems to provide the balance in my life.  And today he is directing me to help another person who is teetering find a little balance too.
 

PS: Thanks for all the questions that I have received.   You guys have sent me some tough ones!  It's still not too late to ask a question. See yesterday's post about what's up with ??  I will be posting the questions and answers tomorrow.  So be as bizarre and original as you'd like.  That's part of the fun.

Harvest moon

This weekend was the harvest moon. It was so incredible to see as it rose large and glowing. It shone brightly on the water, illuminating the ripples that flowed past the boat.

The sun had just gone down and there was the full moon rising following on its heels. The harvest moon got its name because it was said to help farmers working to bring in their crops. They could continue to work on harvesting their crops by moonlight even after the sun had set.

It's evidently an illusion that the moon appears larger around the autumnal equinox. I don't want to think about the illusions. I don't want to be a grown man who understands astronomy. Instead, I want to believe that I could reach out and catch a moon beam.

I thought of driving back from Tennessee years ago with my old Labrador. He had been to a hunt that day and been the pick up dog. He had enjoyed the water, retrieved many a bird, and was snoring gently as I watched the harvest moon loom up from behind a mountain on its celestial ladder. It was such a moment of peace tinged with a dash of longing. The old dog is long gone. But I knew that he too felt the pull of the harvest moon even as he slept.

I think each of us at times has a similar inexpressible and poignant moment that comes not from logic or reason, but from a place inside where wonder and mystery dwell.

"I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon"- Neil Young

So glad that it's Friday

This has been a long week for me. I'm very glad that today is Friday. I had my biweekly manager's meeting today. Dealing with a parental director who is a control freak is taxing. I just keep my mouth shut and do the best to get through the meeting.

It seems that every moment of the week has been filled with activities. I've been to three meetings and had two other sponsee meetings. I've finished up some service work for the district and will be attending the district meeting tomorrow. Plus, I've done my work for which I'm gainfully employed. Add to that last night's work on the boat's electrical system, and I'm a tired puppy.

I have also stayed up way later than usual being glued to the news. It's like watching a train wreck. Finally, I get enough of the bickering to see that nothing is going to be resolved. I am stunned at the amount of misinformation being slung about and the malevolence that tops that off. It does not make for much serenity.

Last night, a suspect was arrested in the murder of a friend's sister that I wrote about last month. She was involved with drugs, got in with some bad people, and was shot. Now a 21 year old has been arrested. So the family will now have a long ordeal of the trial and all the stuff that goes along with that. I am afraid that my friend may be drinking too much. She is gaunt, hollow eyed with grief and anger. She is driven to see justice. I wonder at what price.

I am going to leave work a bit early today. Then I'm going to the boat, taking a nap and working on doing some varnishing (or vanishing--thanks Daave!). More electrical work is in store for tomorrow. Enjoy your Friday.

A beautiful day

What a beautiful day here. I'm sitting on the sail boat watching puffy cumulus clouds overhead.

The tide is moving quickly past the boat. Kids are playing in the water and enjoying the beach. We just finished a nice lunch and will row to shore for our last walk on the beach shortly. It will be time to catch the incoming tide then for a sail back to the marina.

I so like this time we spend here. Every moment holds some magic. These are the days that I would like to last forever.

When all is well

I've learned that serenity is one of those benefits of being in recovery. But it isn't like breathing--it isn't totally involuntary. There are times when I feel peaceful, serene and all is well with me. Yet, I know that the next day I may wake up and have the old fears and anxieties churning in my gut.

At the meeting last night, a fellow who had asked me to work with him on the steps over a year ago showed up. I hadn't seen him in a year because we never actually got to have a face to face meeting to start step work because he was always busy. He would make up excuses about why we couldn't get together. I called him a few times but would receive no answer. When I finally did talk to him last year, he told me that his daughter was no longer using and all seemed to be going well. He didn't need the program any more.

Last night, he looked like a different person. I didn't recognize him at first. He had gained about 50 pounds, was anxious, desperate and hurting. He told me that things had been going so well for about a year. His daughter was working and seemed to be doing great. He had sent her some money and after that had a suspicion that she was using again. She has now gone back out, lost her job and is a mess.

He told me the ironic thing was that about a week ago before he learned of her relapse, he was cleaning out a desk draw and found his Al-Anon book. He threw it in the trash because his daughter was doing so well. Now he has come back to meetings, clawing his way to them like a drowning person does to a life ring.

I think that what this man told me is a warning that I need to remember. When things are going really well with me, I can tend to become a bit complacent. I may decide to skip a meeting or two. I may not step up to volunteer for service work. I may not be as passionate about working with sponsees.

And if I let that complacency go too far, then I'm setting myself up to lose my perspective and balance. I will think everything is rosy and wonderful when things are going smoothly. But let something happen to break my smugness, and all the resentment, fear and host of other defects will come roaring back at me like a runaway train.

I have come to realize that there are no guarantees that I will remain sane and serene because I have had peace once in a while. I need this program 24/7. I find that if I don't have any contact with the program, I tend to start sliding back into old attitudes. I start to obsess, to judge, to get smug and self righteous. I like myself better if I stay in program mode and don't get caught with my "program down".

Heard in a meeting and a message to my dad

We're here because we weren't all there.

You can be a survivor or a victim. Being a survivor means that you work through things. Being a victim brings a lot of pain.

There are times when I think that there will be no more good times. But being in here, I can dare to hope and not let disappointment wreck me.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.....The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously...... Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

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I wrote this letter to my father when I did my ninth step. It seems appropriate to post it here today as I did several years ago:

Dear Dad:

I think about you often and over the past year have come to love you more than I believe I ever did. I have thought and spoken of all the things that you taught me. I wouldn’t have learned to love the water as I do if it hadn’t been for you. And because of what you taught me about boats, I’ve made a career of not only doing my work from boats but seeing many things in the ocean that few have ever seen. I am grateful for what I learned from you.

I’ve often wished that you were here so that we could talk about how things are now in my life. I’m not the same person that I was in 1985 which was the last time that I talked with you. And I’m not the same person that I was a year ago when I decided to change my life for the better. I’m in a program that has helped me to learn more about myself and to take responsibility for how I live my life. I always thought that I was responsible in my life but the difference is that I’m living a spiritual life now. And it’s a wonderful feeling because it means that I can look inward at myself and my faults in an effort to be a better person. And I can do this without being afraid. I no longer am angry at myself or feel empty.

I know that when I was young, I was strong willed, independent and proud. I loved you, but I also feared you. I wanted your approval and thought that I could get that by changing who I was. Yet in doing so, I built up resentment and anger. There were times when I wished that you would die. I know now that I can change but it’s to be the person that my Higher Power wants me to be. I no longer want to shape myself to be what another person wants me to be. I don’t need to do that anymore.

I have learned from this spiritual program that we all make mistakes in living and that we all need improvement. I know that you did the best that you could do for me. I realize that you always loved me and wanted what was best for me. You taught me many good traits of character. These are lessons that I will carry with me and that will hold me in good stead for the rest of my life.

What I need to tell you is that I also always loved you. For those times when I was filled with resentment and anger, I am truly sorry. I have learned that resentment and fear are human emotions but that they keep me from being truly free in my mind and heart. I am working every day to recognize when resentment and fear occur and take steps to not be consumed by them.

Finally, I want you to know that if I could physically be with you today, I would take you out on my boat, show you the beauty of the water here, and enjoy your company.

Your loving son,

Syd

Heard in a Meeting

You can complain about the same problem three times.
Then you'd better be in the solution.
If you have to talk to more than three people
about the same problem,
you don't want help,
you want attention.


Meetings are an archipelago of sanity
in a lunatic sea.


God doesn't close one door
without opening a better one ~ ~
BUT ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
we've got to get our fingers
out of the closing door. The reason you're in
pain is because you have your fingers
in a door God is trying to close.



There are two kinds of people:
those seeking the truth ~
and those afraid of it .

My serenity is inversely proportional
to my expectations.

Not all roads lead to Rome

One of my sponsees made a decision last night to not continue with the steps. He has a spiritual program, practices spiritual meditation, and has a spiritual leader. He just got back from a retreat and has come away with a great sense of renewal. Now he will devote more time to his spiritual practice.

I was taken aback by his deciding to not continue. I didn't have a clue. We were working on Step Four. In Al-Anon, we work this step using the work book Blueprint for Progress. There are many chapters in this workbook, each with over 30 questions. It took me at least four months to get through it.

After he told me that he had begun to feel reluctant about continuing with working Step Four and had decided not to continue, I felt my ego take charge and immediately place blame on the process. The damn workbook is too long. There are too many questions. Maybe he's right and doing spiritual meditation is all anyone needs. These thoughts flashed through my head while a large hole began to open up in my gut.

My old friend rejection had come back and was slicing and dicing my insides. I had the presence of mouth, not mind, to tell the sponsee that it was okay for him to do what he felt he needed to continue in recovery. I didn't try to convince him to keep going with Al-Anon because I knew that there was nothing that I could say to convince him. He had made up his mind.

He gave me a CD to listen to entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You. I listened to it on the way back from the meeting. It has a lot of good stuff there. And is so far very complementary to what I've heard in Al-Anon. Listening to this CD made me realize that there are many ways to reach serenity.

I know what worked for me, and I know the steps that I took. I did what I was told by my sponsor. I was willing to go to any length. I know that there is no easier, softer way. I also recognize that the determination and yes, even the intellect of some is greater than others. I've seen people in the rooms who are brilliant, and I've seen others who aren't. Maybe a fourth step from the Big Book would not be as daunting to some as the Blueprint for Progress. Maybe one wrench doesn't fit all nuts.

Just some disclosure

Have you ever watched advertisements on TV where there is small print that states some kind of disclosure? It often goes on the screen and then off in a flash. The small print tells about the side effects of medication or the potential dangers from operating machinery.

In Al-Anon, we have something that is similar to "small print". Our closing states, " ..... the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest."

And that goes for what's written in blogs too. The opinions that are expressed here are those that I have. What I write can be serious, funny, sad, irrelevant, irreverent, didactic, colorful, boring, and borderline goofy. I guess it depends on my mood and things that are on my mind. Sometimes, frankly, there is nothing serious on my mind. I'm just floating along in a cloud of wonder. And then other times, I feel compelled to lay down the stuff that eats at my soul.

But whatever I put down here, it's just my opinion. I'm not anyone's Higher Power. I'm an imperfect human being who has experienced the gamut of emotions. I have character defects that are still deeply entrenched which I'm working on. I don't have answers for anyone else. And I don't want to insinuate that I do.

Blogging carries with it a weight of expectation. Or at least that can occur. I don't have any expectations of what others write. I can accept that you have the right to your opinion and that I can "take what I like and leave the rest".

I do that in meetings every time I go. I may listen to someone talk for 10 minutes about how angry she was that her dog was sick and threw up on her $50,000 oriental rug, and the next share may be by someone who is coping with the loss of a long-term relationship due to the disease of alcoholism.

The person sharing about the devaluation of her rug may have in her head that is what has messed with her serenity. While the loss of a relationship is what the other person needs to share. Sharing most certainly includes pleas for help, assistance, understanding, validation, support-- anything relevant to what we're going through. Just like blogging.

People can then employ the slogan "Take what you liked and leave the rest." We won't always agree. And everyone is entitled to opinions. I happen to not like judging others or character assassinations. Those things tend to be major serenity breakers. I've spent enough of my life with broken serenity that I don't need to do that anymore.

I would like to think that others who read here can take away some part of the message that they like. If what I post doesn't hit the mark or is disagreeable, then just "take what you like and leave the rest."

Thanks. Now back to my regularly scheduled program.

Calm Saturday

It's a quiet and calm Saturday. I like the early morning when not even the birds are up. There's no wind, no rustling of branches, no ripples on the water.

I don't have much planned for the day. I haven't decided whether to go out on the boat or not. Right now, I just feel like being still and enjoying the silence around me.

I think that this road of self-discovery that I'm on has many different avenues. I started out thinking that inner peace and serenity were the destination. Concentrating on myself is a path that I'm traveling, but I've found that my connection with the world and my fellow human beings has been heightened too. Sometimes I tend to get too wrapped up in the sorrows of the world. That's where my heart "thinking" comes in. As long as I have my head and heart in sync then I feel more balanced. And I find that I'm walking this road of recovery with an increased sense of humility, acceptance and wonder.

Hope that you are traveling the road that takes you to where you want to be this Saturday.

Zen like

One of the qualities that I have come to admire in this program is the ability to remain calm and serene even in the midst of turmoil. It's like a Zen like peace that emanates from a few people that I know. I'm still very much a work in progress, although my serenity meter has definitely moved to the higher end of the scale since joining the program.

Those times when I display anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, bitterness, self-pity and a host of other character defects still come up. Yet, most of the time I don't put that face forward to the world. I'm still a self-controlled person. It's hard to shake that part of me.

I'm not one for great public displays of my inner turmoil. I think that in meetings and talks with my Al-Anon friends I reveal most of myself--the real me, the raw me. And through that raw honesty and the acceptance I've received, I've found myself being calmer and more able to not be filled with anxiety in my daily life.

It reminds me of the slogan to "Fake it til you make it". But I feel less and less like I'm faking it now. The calmness that I feel is welling up from a resource within me. And I'm simply marveling at being able to remain calm and implacable in the affairs of life. Maybe this is what recovery feels like.