Borders

I have finished the classroom part of the Captain's license for un-inspected passenger vessels.  This coming weekend I'll be in the classroom for the Master's license.  This license will be for either a 25, 50 or 100 ton vessel, depending on the amount of sea time that I have and the size of the vessels on which I've worked.  I think that I'll probably have enough time (360 days) on board to get the 50 ton license.

I have five exams to take.  The first two, Navigation General and Deck General, will be taken this Thursday.  I hope to take the next two, Chart Plotting and Rules of the Road, on July 6 and July 7.  After those are done, then I will take the exam for the Master's.  Rules of the Road is the subject that requires a lot of memorization. It is also considered to be the most difficult because out of 30 questions, only 3 may be missed.

I have spent my time studying. I've also found that, while my memory is good, it is not nearly what it used to be.  All the little day shapes and lights and sounds for each vessel type are starting to come together but not at the point where I feel as if I can just reel them off.  I study them for a few hours each day, while also studying for the other exams.

I am not having much fun with this since there is so much material.  It is like being back in college on finals week.  But I keep telling myself that in another couple of weeks, it will be over.  Maybe then, I won't be driving down the road and see two white lights in a row vertically and be thinking "Those are lights for a tug whose tow is < 200 meters".

I have mentally been bemoaning that I haven't been having much fun lately.  And just when I do this, I get a reminder that what I'm doing for these few weeks isn't bad, not dangerous, not going to hurt me.  That reminder came in the form of a share at my home group meeting last night. It was the one year anniversary of J.  I remember when she first came to Al-Anon last summer, a shy young woman who just graduated from high school.

Last night, she told her story of being born in Mexico and at age 9 crossing the U.S. border with her mother and two brothers.  They had been told by the "coyote" to bring enough food and water for a day's walk.  After getting what belongings they could carry, the group of people started walking towards the border.

The walk across the desert turned into three days and four nights during which all ran out of water and had very little food.  J. told of seeing dead bodies as they walked, of people on the journey who became sick and were left behind, of the heat and thirst the group endured.

The group eventually arrived at a house where people brought over by other "coyotes" were staying.  There were perhaps forty people in each room.  The "coyotes" carried guns and threatened to tie concrete blocks to the legs of the children and sink them in the river unless they were paid.  J's mother was waiting on money to be sent from her sister in Florida, but it didn't arrive right away.

After several days with threats from the "coyotes" and with violence among them as one group tried to take guns away from others, the police arrived.  J. and her family escaped from the house during the commotion and found their way to a 24 hour convenience store.  They had no money but thought that they would be safer there than in the woods.

During the late afternoon, a woman and a man drove up in a van.  The woman bought something in the store, came out, and kept looking at J. and her family who were a road worn and sad group.  She eventually came over and asked them if they were okay.  J's mother told her what had happened.  The woman went to the van, said something to her husband, and came back to invite the four of them to their house.  They stayed with this kind couple for three weeks until the money finally arrived from Florida.  The family then boarded a bus that took them to pick oranges in Florida.

After the orange harvest, they traveled to South Carolina to pick tomatoes.  J.'s father arrived here after his border crossing.  The family decided to stay in SC and were offered work on a farm where the mother cleaned, the father and sons worked in the fields, and J. took care of the animals.

Not long after their arrival in SC,  J. was raped by her step-brother who had come to visit.  She was raped later by a cousin as well.  She didn't tell anyone immediately because she had been told that she would be killed if she told.

By this time, she was enrolled in school, being tutored in English and making excellent grades.  The first rape happened on a Sunday.  Because she didn't want to miss school, she went as usual on Monday.  At school, some of her friends knew that she was troubled so she confided in them about the rape.  Soon the teachers knew and J. was taken by a counselor to a hospital where she was examined and evidence collected.

After the rape, she became despondent. She couldn't concentrate in school.  Her grades slipped.  She kept going to therapists but mostly they would ask, "How do you feel today?".  Finally, she was assigned to N. who really listened to her.  J. began to trust N. and talked to her not only about the rape but about how both her parents were alcoholics.  It was through N. that J. got to Al-Anon and the little meeting that I call "home".

J. is a remarkable young woman.  She graduated in the top five of her class in middle school and in the top ten of her Senior class in high school.  She has been verbally and emotionally abused by her father, yet she feels compassion for him.  Her full brother who is a drug addict stole all of her saved money from her.  She called the police who deported him.  She works whenever she can taking care of animals and babysitting.  Her hope is to become an American citizen, go to college and become a nurse.

I know that there are so many people like J.  She has come a long way since struggling across the desert.  She shared that she has found people to trust in Al-Anon, people that she can call, people who won't judge her.  And that she has found her own Higher Power who gives her comfort.

I heard just what I needed to hear from this young person at the time when I needed to hear it.  Amazing how that works.

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern

past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

"How do you know if you are going to die?"

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

"When you can no longer make a fist."

Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.— Naomi Shihab Nye

Back home

I am back at home port. It was a wet ride back, with the worse part being the big seas once I got into the harbor. It feels good to be stopped once again, after the nine hour trip home.

The speakers yesterday were awesome. The morning Al-Anon speaker had a daughter affected by alcoholism. It was a moving story of how she learned to not enable and set clear boundaries with her daughter. It's clear that some Al-Anon's cannot stay away from alcoholics because this lady married four of them. The only non-alcoholic she married was too boring so she divorced him too!

Her daughter was the afternoon speaker. It was interesting to hear the mother/daughter story. Both are close and grateful for the recovery they found.

The evening speaker was Danny B. from Spring, TX. I imagine that Pam and Dave know of him. He had quite a story about being in mental institutions, prisons, gangs, and Mexican jails. He shared about turning himself in for robbing a bank as an amends. But he was set free because the police didn't believe the real criminal would turn himself in. I still can't figure out whether he really robbed the bank!

I don't think there was a dry eye in the room when he shared about making an amends to his father who was dying. I know that I was thinking about my own father and wishing that I had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him before he died. It is one of my great regrets.

But all is okay right now. I had a great time, got to know a great bunch of alcoholics, made some new friends, and learned more lessons in my recovery.

Know when to hold 'em

I had planned to come back from the speaker meeting last night and write a blog post. Instead, I ended up playing poker for nickels and dimes with a group of AA's who have been playing together for 15 years. I haven't played before but discovered that I apparently have a knack for the game, finishing with $7 more than I started with and having a streak of wins among seasoned and cut throat pros. These alcoholics take playing seriously! I was invited back for another round tonight and asked, "Are you sure you haven't played before?".

The speaker was good--humorous, yet poignant. Here were some things he said that stuck with me:

• an active alcoholic can go nowhere, do nothing and be okay with that
• we don't know much about the newcomer when they first arrive other than it hasn't been a very good year
• if you think that sobriety will come from just going to meetings, then you are trying to get well in a room full of sick people
• desperation is the propellant that takes a person through the steps. But desperation can wane over time, so delay with the steps can be risky.
• the self-pity of the past and worries about the future can rob a person of how to be in the present
• the bondage of self is self-created slavery
• the Judas step is the one that will betray you because you denied it was there
• the time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here, and the way to be happy is to help others.

I am off to head to the Al-Anon speaker meeting and a full day of mini-meetings. My pockets are filled with enough change that I can pay for the picnic lunch! And that song about the Gambler keeps going through my head.

If you attend an open AA meeting

I have attended open AA meetings since I began Al-Anon.  I was encouraged to go to open meetings to hear the stories of alcoholics and to better understand the disease.  These open meetings remind me that hope never dies; that sobriety is possible; and that in many ways, we share the same fears. And every single speaker I hear says they wanted recovery for themselves, not because they were being nagged by a family member.

The two programs were closely allied in their origins and are naturally drawn together by their family ties. Yet the Twelve Traditions emphasize that each works more effectively if it remains separate. Thus, there can be no combining, joining, or uniting which would result in the loss of identity of either fellowship. Separateness rules out affiliation or merging, but it does not exclude cooperation with AA or acting together for mutual benefit.

Some of the open AA meetings I attend are speaker meetings where I get to hear someone's "story" of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.  The first open AA meeting I attended was a speaker meeting.  I was so moved by what I heard that I developed a great awe for the miracles that can occur in recovery.  I was moved in that meeting to tears.  There was no blaming of the family, just a focus on their recovery through the steps.  I realized then the power of those steps because if they could help someone who was in such dire circumstances with alcoholism, then they surely could help me.

When I go to open Big Book studies or open discussion meetings, I know to not share but say that I am a grateful member of Al-Anon who is there to listen.  I learned that at AA meetings, even open ones, it is only appropriate for alcoholics (or people there because of their own drinking problem) to share (unless specifically asked to be a speaker).  The primary purpose is for alcoholics to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  I can't do that from my non-alcoholic perspective.  It would be equally inappropriate for an alcoholic who isn't affected by someone else's drinking to share at an Al-Anon meeting. Or for a friend, who is along to just lend moral support, to share.

Several years ago,  when I was in the first year of Al-Anon,  I was out of town at a work conference.  I was having a tough time--I was away from home, screwed up in the head, and a co-dependent mess.  I couldn't find an Al-Anon meeting to attend, so I went to an open AA meeting within walking distance of the hotel.

I walked into that mid-day meeting and introduced myself to an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair. I told him that I was in Al-Anon but needed to be at a meeting.  I think he could tell that I was a mess.   He asked me to chair the meeting which I declined.  He then told me that it would be okay and would help the other attendees.  I felt unsure about this,  but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it.  God knows, I needed to be at that meeting. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So I read How It Works and then he asked me to tell my story.  So I gave about a 15 minute share about what being me currently felt like and how I had gotten into Al-Anon for help in my own recovery. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak.  He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended.  These people made me feel welcome.  I left that meeting with a sense of well-being that put me at peace.

I may have committed a breach in the traditions, but I will not forget the kindness I was shown by the AA fellowship there. And for some reason that made me feel better about a lot of things. It may not have been the best thing for a beginner in Al-Anon to do, but I appreciate that the elderly man in the wheelchair recognized a fellow lost soul and reached out to help.

Miracles among us

Tonight we went to a holiday "eating" meeting.  There was a ton of good food.  Lots of ham, turkey, baked beans, casseroles, including the required green bean casserole.  Man, I love that stuff.

After every one had chowed down and socialized, the AA speaker was introduced.  He had a great story filled with lots of 7 AM drinking escapades, loss of jobs, loss of family, black outs, and much more insanity.  A good drunkalog is better than a book on tape.  It amazes me that people who are hopeless drunks can get sober, work the steps, work with others, and be of service to the fellowship in countless ways.  This fellow had done it all and was now 31 years sober.  What a miracle!

The Al-Anon speaker was also good.  I had heard her story before but every time, something different will emerge.  Yes, we Al-Anons do some crazy stuff in our magnetic attraction to alcoholics.  She married two of them, has an alcoholic son, and a couple of other alcoholics in her family.  Her saga of finally realizing that she could not help her son get sober reminded me of what so many bloggers are going through.  She said it really tested her program to stop enabling her son.  She had to work all the steps again after she stopped helping him.  Her heart was wounded. Once he got sober, they reconnected and rebuilt their strained relationship.  Another miracle.

I don't know if you have holiday dinners at your meetings, but if you hear of one, think about going.  The speakers are generally quite good.  And it doesn't hurt to be reminded of the miracles that recovery can bring.  I know that every day there is something wonderful happening.  It just helps for me to occasionally be reminded by hearing someone tell how their life of despair and hopelessness was changed. A true miracle.

There are days when I think I don't believe anymore. When I think I've grown too old for miracles. And that's right when another seems to happen.--Dana Reinhardt (The Summer I Learned to Fly).

Each of us needs a success

It is so hard for people to believe in themselves, even though others believe in them.  It is difficult to trust your abilities when you have been told that you don't have any.  It is impossible to have successes when all you have felt is that you are a failure.

Last night, I went to hear a lecture given by a friend of mine who has been sober for 20 years.  He hasn't had a drink but has difficulty practicing the principles in his life.  His ADHD is part of the problem.  Let's just say that the combination of ADHD and alcoholism makes for some difficult times.

He was asked to give a couple of lectures on marine diesel engines for a class being taught by one of the local marine groups.  This fellow know a lot about engines and is an excellent mechanic. He agreed to do the lectures, but yesterday he flew into a rage about the lectures.  He said that he couldn't possibly get up in front of others and talk, he knew nothing about engines--he was filled with fear and anxiety.  I talked to him, offering up words of encouragement and said that I would go with him to the class.

Well, he gave one of the best lectures I have heard.  His explanations were excellent, his practical experiences were not only funny but informative.  He is a natural teacher and speaker.  He got a round of applause and a lot of good questions.  Students stayed after class to talk to him.  The instructor told him that he learned a lot that he didn't know and asked him to go out after the class for dinner.  In short, he was a big success.

It made me feel good that my friend had a much needed boost to his self-esteem. He needed something that was a success.  I see how the lost years of his youth due to drinking alcoholically left him unskilled and uneducated.  But his intelligence comes through.  I think that each of us needs to have someone who believes in us, someone who encourages instead of criticizes, and someone who celebrates those moments when success lifts our heart.

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success. ~ Anon.

Impressions from the convention

The theme of the state convention was Seeking a Balanced Life. I heard some excellent speakers.

The AA speaker Dick A. had a good message that was filled with humor. He spoke about doing God's will in the best way I can given the gifts I was given.

I thought about that quite a bit and decided that one of the gifts I can share will be to become certified as an Alateen sponsor. I could see that the behavior of the Alateens reflected the alcoholic household they grew up in. There are more Alateen meetings needed in our area. We have no children but perhaps there will be a way to extend a hand to those young people who, like me,were affected by someone else's drinking. It is a strong feeling that I have that God is directing me to help these troubled kids.

The convention was held at the beach. So I'll share a few other photos from this inspiring weekend.

Day One--Road trip

We're heading to Frederickburg, VA today. That will be an 8 hour drive.

I have the IPod connected so that it plays out of the car speakers. There's a lot of music on it. Last night I downloaded speakers who told their story at the roundup I went to. There's about 80 AA speakers, Big Book studies, step studies and several Al-Anon speakers loaded on the IPod.

We generally listen to a few speakers while driving. And we talk about what we've heard. We take turns driving. I have a conference call to do on the way up there. I wish work didn't interfere, but it's only for about an hour.

All being well, we'll get to Fredericksburg in time to walk around the historic town and take a look at Marye's Heights where around 17,000 men were killed in one day. It never ceases to amaze me what we do to one another in the name of war.

I'm looking forward to our journey back "home".

Great roundup

Every time I go to these roundups, I come away with such a feeling of inspiration that it's hard to describe. I guess it's a comfortable feeling of being around people who seem to also be inspired.

I went to this roundup two years ago. At that time, I hadn't heard any "circuit" speakers. I remember writing at that time that it was hard to listen to the stories being told. I remember when I found it difficult to laugh at anything related to alcohol. I can now laugh at the stories told. And I also tear up over the damage done by alcoholism.

The Al-Anon speaker Debi C. from Alabama talked about so many things that I had experienced. If you ever get a chance to hear her or get a tape by her, do it. She covered the gamut of emotions of a person out of control due to the effects of alcoholism. I could identify with the rages she felt about the alcoholic, the feeling of emptiness, the thoughts of suicide, and the miracle of finding others who had felt the same way in Al-Anon.

After such a beautiful day filled with sunshine, fresh air, and inspiration, I thought that I'd share these gratitudes:

• An awareness of shared experiences and feelings that never cease to amaze me
• That I get what I need to do even if I'm not able to do it all the time
• Forgiving myself for being human
  
• Knowing that I don't have to suffer from delusions or illusions unless I choose to do so
• That I feel a lot of love for those around me without expecting anything in return
  

Inspiring

I really enjoyed the Christmas festivities at the AA and Al-Anon meeting last night. The food and fellowship started at 7 PM followed by the meeting at 8 o'clock. I never seem to tire of hearing How it Works. It sends chills down my spine every time that it's read.

I enjoyed sharing my story with the group. I don't think that I ever tire of sharing the recovery part of my story. From my first Al-anon meeting, I heard people who were telling my story. I came to understand that I wasn’t alone.

And the most remarkable things began to happen. I learned that through acceptance the best things in my life can be realized. I also became less judgmental of others. I realize that each of us has to live our journey in our own way and in our own time. We all can support each other but need not walk the same road. Each of us has our own path.

Through all this, I gained gratitude for what I have is this life, the good and bad. I learned a lot from my mistakes. They taught me more about life than all the triumphs that I experienced. I feel such gratitude that I have been able to learn the tools to deal with living life. I feel gratitude for the deep friendships. I can step out of myself and truly be happy for others. My relationships are much richer because of what this program has taught me.

And perhaps the most remarkable thing was that I became a spiritual person. I began to feel the presence of a Higher Power. And to learn about a God who not only wanted the best for me but also wanted me to learn and grow. I learned about his will and how things happen in God's time and not mine. The promises of Al-Anon have begun to come true for me.

Experience, strength and hope

Monday has rolled around again. I'm healed enough to be back at work which is a good thing in many ways. I've got some catching up to do from missing a few days last week, but it all seems doable.

Tonight I get to share my experience, strength and hope at one of the AA meetings as the Al-Anon speaker. It's this group's annual Christmas party which means that there will be a lot of great food. I was honored to be asked to say a few words. I remember going last year and listening to a couple of great speakers. I thought then that it took a lot of recovery to be able to get up and share in front of a group. Now I realize that it takes willingness to show up and just speak from my heart.

My story isn't a horror story. It's probably rather tame. I didn't get molested, I didn't get arrested, I didn't go through a bunch of wives, I don't have any children who make my life miserable, I didn't lose my job, I didn't try to kill myself--well, you get the drift. I'm just your plain vanilla Al-Anoner who decided that there was something more to life than feeling angry and hateful.

I realize that my journey continues. But I can also look back and see how far I've come. I now have a sturdy foundation on which to build the rest of my life. I realize that God has done for me what I could not do for myself.

The Beach

We got back from our long weekend this afternoon. Our time together with the dogs was a lot of fun. They definitely enjoyed the beach. We went for long walks and then would come back and jump in the 100 F spa that was right outside our room. The air temperature was perfect so it felt good to get heated up in the spa water and then get out in the cool air.

I had every intention of using the lap top that I brought, but it seems that every evening we were doing something, including checking the news for the latest financial crisis. We finally decided that we had enough of it and that our saturation point had been reached.

We did go to a really good AA meeting. We got directions off the internet and found our way to the club house which was nice. We were greeted kindly and got to hear some old-fashioned AA by a speaker who was celebrating 47 years of sobriety. I don't think that there were many dry eyes when he mentioned his wife who is suffering from Altzheimer's and to whom he has been married for 59 years. He said that he had to get home to his beautiful bride who was waiting for him at home. He credited her with a belief in him and said that she had been in Al-Anon for years and his children had been in Al-Ateen.

There were a lot of old timers there. Another fellow was also celebrating 40 years of sobriety. Lots of old-time AA and strong singleness of purpose. We were both glad that we attended. My wife said that it was the best meeting she had gone to in a long time.

I'm sampling for invasive species for the rest of the week so my schedule is going to be erratic. I hope to have time to check in but I'm not even sure whether I'll have wireless where I'm going.
At least the work on the water will be pleasant with the cooler temperatures. Have a good week.

A good feeling

Every time that I tell my story, I come away with a good feeling. It's almost like being enveloped in a warm blanket. This is a very different feeling than I would get when giving a scientific paper at meetings. There the feeling was one of low grade anxiety, of being critiqued, of measuring up.

At last night's AA meeting, I was welcomed warmly, listened to attentively, and came away with the feeling that I'd made some new friends. As I did the last time that I told my story, I spent most of my time talking about the steps and their meaning in the context of my life and how they have worked for me.

After the meeting, quite a few people came over to thank me and one fellow talked to me about his situation at length. I'm grateful that he heard something that he identified with.

I drove home in pouring rain, all the while thinking about how grateful I am for the fellowship, for my sponsor, and my HP.

Today's gratitude

I finally got to bed at a decent hour last night. I've been tired ever since the weekend. Sleeping on the boat is restful during the day but at night, I find that I awake easily whenever I hear a strange noise.

There wasn't any crew rowing last night because the City Marina parking lots were full and cars were being turned away. We generally get together on Wednesday evening for a 2 hour row around the Harbor. It's good exercise and another chance to be out on the water in mid-week.

I've been asked to be the speaker at an AA meeting located in the southern part of the state. This group has an Al-Anon speaker every 3 months which seems like a good idea. I wish that there were more such exchanges among the groups in the local area. There's a lot to be said for us to go to open AA meetings and for the AA's who have good recovery to be a part of Al-Anon. I have always learned a lot when I've heard AA's share and speak. Maybe my story will resonate with some in the group tonight. And it's an opportunity for me to give away some that I have been given.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Another day to ask to do God's will
• Having an opportunity to share my E,S, H with another fellowship
• Feeling a lot more rested and energetic than yesterday
• Finishing up another project at work that has taken quite a while to complete
• The dogs and cats who seem to know when I'm tired and just let me relax--no pounces, no whines
  

Late on Sunday

I had a fairly productive weekend. The electrical system on the boat is up and running. That was a good accomplishment.

The regatta was busy and somewhat crazy. There were over 150 new boats at the marina and many were rafted up and tied to one another. Many sleek J boats and Melges.

I missed a roundup this weekend that I enjoyed last year. Just too many things to get done here. And I feel a little down about it since I think that it would have been inspirational to have heard the speakers. My sponsor said that the Al-Anon speaker was excellent. I really like going to round ups where there are inspiring speakers and mini-meetings that offer a lot of choices. I come away feeling as if I'm glowing.

On a light note, I did take time to go see the Scorcese movie Shine a Light that is a documentary of a Carnegie Hall concert by the Rolling Stones. Don't miss this movie if you like rock music. It is great. The energy of Mick Jagger is staggering. Some of the best concert footage that I've seen. People were clapping and cheering in their seats as if they were really there.

I'll get around to visiting you tomorrow. Hope that you all had a good weekend.

Sandlapper impressions

The Sandlapper conference was great. The Al-Anon speaker Susan K. from Jacksonville was moving yet had a great sense of humor. I found myself with a tear in my eyes one moment, yet at the next moment I'd be laughing out loud. She read the powerful letter from the Al-Anon pamphlet "3 Views of Alcoholism". I've included it here:

"I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them every time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in anyway to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you,

Your alcoholic"

Saturday's AA speaker was Tom I. from Southern Pines. He was an engaging speaker who I've listened to before. He had a lot of gems that he shared. He spoke about his time in prison by saying "The first place I felt freedom was in a maximum-security penitentiary. It was the first place I felt decency, integrity, and worth." After release, Tom went on to the highest command a state penitentiary ever rewarded to a former inmate. He said, "Miracles happen. Miracles happen when preparation meets opportunity, and God intervenes. If you do the work, the walls come down."

I spent some time on Saturday walking on the beach between speakers. The weather was great and since it was the off season, there were few people on the beach. I'm not a fan of developed areas but it was nice to get outside and go for a walk and at least see the ocean.

Sunday morning's AA speaker was Paul A. from Cheltenham, MD. He spoke without reservation of being an alcoholic who beat his wife, frightened his children, and was a skid row bum. He and his wife celebrated 50 years of marriage. And he went from being on the verge of death to having 35 years in the fellowship. He also shared a lot of gems and spoke from the heart.

Aside from the inspiration of the speakers, what I took away from this conference was the sight of a lot of happy people. Not even the 1:30 AM fire alarm and hotel evacuation on Sunday morning could dampen spirits! It was a fun time but most of all it was inspiring.

Sandlapper roundup

I'm leaving today for the Sandlapper Roundup. I'm looking forward to a couple of days of speakers and workshops. This particular conference has been around for many years. There's a speaker tonight around 8:30 PM and the Al-Anon speaker is tomorrow morning. It should be a great opportunity to listen and learn.

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to:

1. Be part of a fellowship of men and women who are learning to live a better life than they ever dreamed

2. Use the talents that I have been given to improve myself and the world around me.

3. Have a day off from work in which I can work on myself

4. Take in the beauty that surrounds me and appreciate how lucky I am.

Summing up the Roundup

Now that I have gotten sleep and can think clearly, I want to give some impressions from the roundup and summarize some of the thoughts from the speakers on Saturday. This was my first roundup so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. What a great experience it was. I met new people, heard so many people speak of their recovery, and saw so many people who were at peace with themselves. I can't wait until the next one happens and am looking into traveling to go to other such events in other areas. I am a sponge now and want to absorb and get as much of this into my head as I can.

So, yesterday morning the Al-Anon speaker Larcine G. from CA really spoke from her heart. She talked about her father who was an alcoholic and how the family disease of alcoholism affected her. Her focus was on forgiveness of her father. Eventually she was able to let go of the past. Because she was very much into rules and order, everything in her life had to be in order. She established the rules and regulations in her marriage. When she found that the alcoholic didn't respond to the imposed regimen on his life, she went to Al-Anon to figure out how to fix him. Basically, she thought that if her husband were "fixed" then she would be okay. She tried to force solutions on the alcoholic and they didn't work. She didn't understand why she felt so awful after her husband got sober. It took her two years to finally get back into Al-Anon and begin to look at herself and how she had been affected by the disease of alcoholism. Her message was that you have to be willing and that you are as unhappy as you want to be. She talked a lot about how there would be "information from nowhere" landing in her head. Her projections and the fear caused her insanity.

As I listened I thought, this lady is telling some of my story. The same rules and criticism that I heard as a child were the very same things that I reacted to and spewed out as an adult. Interesting how we get programmed to do the very things that we rebelled against and disliked at an early age.

At the first mini-meeting, there was a good discussion on turning negative thoughts into something positive. Although it was led by Larcine from Al-Anon, there were many AA's in attendance. They shared how the program had helped them to shed the fear and worry through working the steps, turning their lives over to their HP, and living the steps on a daily basis. There were many good thoughts shared at this meeting.

The next mini-meeting there was a discussion of being the Guardian of AA. Some expressed concern that AA should only be for alcoholics in a strict interpretation of the AA pamplet Problems Other Than Alcohol. Others were much more liberal in their view expressing that AA was the umbrella for helping those with other problems as well as alcoholism. It was interesting to listen to the GSRs talk about the "politics" of AA.

Before the final speaker, there was a give away of two Big Books that had been signed by all the people at the Roundup. Maybe this is done at every conference but I thought that it was moving. There was a count up for the person with the most years of sobriety and there was a countdown for the person who had the least. The person who had the most years was an elderly lady with nearly 56 years of sobriety. The person who had the least was a young woman with 2 days. When they both stood in front of everyone, the applause was thunderous. For the newcomer, it was stated that she was the most important person in the room. And the lady with the 56 years, gave her the autographed Big Book. What a moving thing.

The final speaker was Tim T. of Cleveland. His story was one that showed how even the most desperate can achieve peace and practice the principles in their daily life. He was funny yet very touching when he talked about his mother and how his disease had affected her. I thought that his final sentence summed it up: “What happens between the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer is not nearly as important as what happens between the Lord’s Prayer and the Serenity Prayer”. This is something that I need to remember every day.

I'm tired but feel so good

I just got home after a day at the roundup. It's late so I'll just give a brief overview and post more tomorrow. This morning at 10 AM was the Al-Anon speaker, Larcene from CA. She was an incredibly good speaker and had a message that applied to everyone there. After that was a nice cookout followed by a mini-meeting with Open Discussion on how to turn negative thoughts and actions into something positive. After that was another mini-meeting on AA and its current status: how to preserve it for the future. At 8 PM, Tim T. from Cleveland told a dynamic story that was filled with laughter and tears. I'm completely saturated at the moment and will write summaries tomorrow. Right now, I need to wind down, do some reading before going to sleep, and thank my HP for placing me in the midst of this group. I am very grateful for meeting so many friendly people and for having an opportunity to soak up the spirit and message of AA and Al-Anon. It was an experience that will be with me for a long time.

Roundup Speaker Friday night

Last night's speaker was a woman who lived in the area. She came up the hard way and began drinking seriously at 9 years old and got sober at 15. She got sober through the help of the old timers at the Cleveland, Ohio AA. It was as if I were hearing a part of AA history. Some of the old timers were around when the Akron group got started. She talked about how the old timers didn't know what to do with a teenager so they basically surrounded her with love and never left her to her own devices. It was a wonderful thing to hear how they totally took her over. She had a tough lady as her sponsor, an elderly woman who took no prisoners. It was a great story and one that made me see the love and dedication that so many have to AA.

One of the parts of AA history that was interesting was when Deb talked about the Four Absolutes: Absolute Honesty, Absolute Purity, Absolute Unselfishness, and Absolute Love. Her sponsor thought that these were the outcomes of the 12 steps. I hadn't heard of them so talked with her afterwards and she explained that the Cleveland group has a pamphlet that explains these. They are the essence of Jesus's teachings about the Will of God, the ideals for man's life, and the moral standards by which man's thoughts and actions may be tested for harmony with God's will. I found this information very late last night on the Four Absolutes.

This morning's speaker is from Al-Anon. I'll post more later when I get back. It's a day of total immersion today. I told my sponsor that I'm not an AA but from all the good stuff that's coming out of this meeting, I could be a wannabe. What a great group of people. More to come later....