De-stressing

Do you ever think about simply de-stressing your life?  Just letting stuff go that you have been doing like an automaton for years and years, with little joy involved.

I realize that most people can't quit jobs or stop caring for their children.  That's not what I meant.  What I was thinking of is those optional things that we take on because saying "yes" seems to be the thing that comes first to mind out of guilt or rote.

I used to have a hobby that involved traveling and competing.  I was heavily into it.  In fact, I made a big name for myself.  But after 20 years of competing, hearing the gossip about others, seeing people put others down, I walked away.  I could feel the unhappiness every time I would get ready to head out of town for another event.  I simply didn't want to do this anymore.  So I quit.  Just like that.  I am still involved in the sport but in a different way now.  I no longer am stressed by it.  And that feels wonderful.

I used to think that as a young person, I could take on everything.  I hungered to be really good at everything that I did.  I wanted to be the best.  I achieved some of those goals, but no longer have the desire to take on so much.  I have realistic goals now--to improve my knowledge of something I am doing but not get carried away.  I want balance in my life and in the things that I do.

And yes, I have a couple of boats.  And they require maintenance.  But the joy that I get from being on them, having them as a sanctuary, is immeasurable.  There is also the garden that I love.  The flower beds that we tend.  But all of this is not competitive and isn't about comparing myself to others.  We are simply enjoying these things for what they are and the beauty that they bring to our lives.

I want to blame the drive that I have had on growing up in a home where I was pushed and prodded to be the best.  Maybe it was that or simply hard-wired by my genes.  None of that matters because it's what I think and do today to veer off the rigid path of a pre-determined life that really counts.  And I am veering again this weekend.  I will be back home on Monday.  No shoes, no shirt, no problems--I'm getting to it.

The casualties of alcoholism/addiction

Meetings and discussions this week with those I sponsor were about how trust goes out the window when alcoholism and addiction are front and center.  It seems that addictive behavior means having to say "I am sorry" over and over, until finally, those words are no longer meaningful to those who have been repeatedly hurt by believing them. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,  but it is also a disease of regret. As the disease progresses,  the emptiness of what has been lost is filled with regrets, "if-only"s and "could-have-been"s.  There are lots of casualties that occur with addictive behavior.  The truth is probably the first thing to be cast aside and squandered.  Not only does the alcoholic/addict deny the truth to himself, but as the disease progresses, lying becomes a habit.  Most who are active in their disease are practiced at lying in all matters related to the defense and preservation of the addiction.   Evasion, deception, manipulation, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.  The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the alcoholic/addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. I have heard and read a lot of sharings by alcoholics.  It seems that the disease protects and strengthens itself through being "terminally unique".  I also hear this in Al-Anon as well, from those who are convinced that their situation is different and worse than others.  Being able to reconcile behavior due to special considerations provides an explanation for the preservation of the disease.  The thinking may go something like this:  Under ordinary circumstances and for most people getting drunk  (or nagging) all the time is bad. My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people. I have more stress than most.  I feel anxious and down.  Therefore I need to drink (or nag) because of my special circumstances.  This is delusional thinking.  For the individual in the grip of addiction,  it all seems rational that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior don't apply to him at the present and must be bent or changed because of his special needs.  It is a charade that is often accompanied by a promise to get back on track as soon as the "right" circumstances permit.  This is the mindset of those who make promises to "quit drinking when my mind quiets down" or who say, "I have to drink because I have so many problems and can't cope", or that "I have the right to be angry because I live with a drunk." The behavior of being "terminally unique" is not believed after a while by anyone.  The same old song and dance over and over strains relationships.  It doesn't take long to reach the conclusion that the alcoholic/addict isn't to be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction.  I heard a lot of times that "this is the last drink".  It may be well-intentioned at the time but eventually the old behavior would return, the "terminal uniqueness" would take hold, and the excuses and alibis for continuing to drink would come up. This behavior repeated over and over does a lot of damage in relationships.  At the time, the promises seem sincere and probably are.  But as the promises are broken time and again,  the hope and joy gives way to bitter disillusion.  I think that Lois W. explains this well in her book about how she lost hope and was bitterly disappointed by Bill W.'s relapses.  How many times do family members ask: "If you really love and care about me, why don't you stop what you are doing?"  And most of the time the answer back is another promise to do better, or as the disease progresses, the alcoholic will point out the faults of those who are nagging him to stop.  This is the "the best defense is a good offense" maneuver.  The alcoholic thinks of himself as the victim of the unfairness of the family who are nagging about his drinking. The family may start to feel crazy with feelings of self-pity, resentment and fear.  Relationships totally collapse in the downward spiral of mistrust.   Those who keep trying to preserve a relationship with individuals who are in the throes of progressive addiction come to feel as if they are not as important as the bottle.  The "less than" feeling takes hold because the family begins to feel that the addiction is more important than they are.   And at the time, they are right. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are all part of dealing with alcoholism.  Sometimes these ultimatums work at getting all parties into recovery.  Or the pleas will fall on deaf ears. And the delusions continue that "no one is being harmed by drinking"; "I can stop at any time"; "drinking is necessary to deal with the crappy circumstances of life". Those who express concern are to be avoided and are often criticized.   Sadly, those who care about the alcoholic the most begin to feel crazy as the disease progresses.  Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame are just some of the feelings of those who live with active addiction.   Fear, anger, confusion and depression often result.  None of this is pretty.  There are times that I need to remind myself just how fortunate I am to have gotten help before I became a casualty of alcoholism.

A new day

Today is a much better day for me than yesterday. I heard what I needed to hear in the meeting last night. It was packed with people, so many that some were sitting on the floor. And as usual for this meeting, there was a lot of great sharing, not always pretty and not always full of solutions but very real thought-provoking stuff.

The topic was Keep It Simple. Yesterday I wasn't doing that. I was being lead around by the voices in my head that were telling me that all kinds of things were going to happen, that things weren't going to work out, that I might as well give up.

The fist of anxiety grabbed my gut and didn't let go until I visited with some friends before the meeting. We talked vegetables and gardening. I could feel myself getting grounded in reality again. So by the time I got to the meeting, I was beginning to feel better.

Keep It Simple is a good slogan for someone like me who tends to make things much more complex than they need to be. I need the reminder to take things at face value and not let my imagination run wild. I have been the "fixer" for so long that sometimes I have to remember what is really mine and has my name on it. I don't need to pick up and carry the load of someone else, just what's mine.

As I wrote yesterday, if I can just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, I'll be okay. It's when I take on the issues and problems of another, that I create chaos in my life. The unnecessary things that I do distract me from looking at what is going on with me. If I remember that God's will covers 360 degrees of me, then I can relax.

I look at my dogs and see how simple their life is. They are great examples of living the Keep It Simple philosophy. They sniff each other, give a wag of recognition, are hardly ever irritable and don't worry about anything. They aren't anticipating what's for dinner, whether they are going to get brushed, or go for a ride. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They seem to like everyone they meet. They exude warmth and happiness in a sincere way. They seem to take life as it comes, live in the moment and show me that the simple life is quite happy.

I thought that I'd share a poem by Robert Frost that seems to capture the idea of keeping it simple:

"The Armful"

For every parcel I stoop down to seize
I lose some other off my arms and knees,
And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns --
Extremes too hard to comprehend at once,
Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.
With all I have to hold with hand and mind
And heart, if need be, I will do my best
To keep their building balanced at my breast.
I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;
Then sit down in the middle of them all.
I had to drop the armful in the road
And try to stack them in a better load.

"Let's don't louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple." Dr. Bob to Bill W.

Alcoholism as a disease

The meeting topic last night was alcoholism as a disease. The person who brought up the topic shared that it is both a physical craving and a mental obsession.

I know that accepting the disease description helps me to better understand the individual. I can accept and have compassion for a person who has this "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease.

I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to help the alcoholic. If I were to devote my life to "fixing" the alcoholic, I would only harm her and myself. I would harm through enabling and doing for someone what they have to do for themselves. Instead I have chosen to help myself through the Al-Anon program.

I don't need to go back to asking the question of why the person I love is an alcoholic. I have to accept that is the way it is and that my SO has a disease that can make her sick. I've also accepted that she isn't a bad person.

I have learned that having a compulsion to drink is a terrible thing. I've listened in open AA meetings about how hard it is to not pick up a drink. Have you ever had a compulsion to eat ice cream or pizza, even though you were on a diet? What did that compulsion feel like to you? How much did you struggle with it? What did you feel like when it bested you? What did it feel like when it didn't and you were able to withstand the compulsion? What does it feel like to know that you can never eat another piece of pizza or have any more ice cream...ever? If I think about those things, then I can better understand the territory of the struggling alcoholic and addict.

But I can't do anything about anyone's alcoholism because I don't know how. I don't have that compulsion that would kill me. My alcoholic can only get help with another recovering alcoholic and by practicing a program of honesty and willingness.

Because I need to work on my own issues from living with alcoholism, I focus on my own program. Getting through the affects of alcohol requires a lot from me. It requires detatchment, patience and humility. It requires being teachable and allowing room for great successes and great failures. It requires serenity, courage and wisdom. It requires honesty and the willingness to change.

Busy world

Today's meeting topic was how best to keep your serenity in a busy stressful world. It's easy to lose track of things because there is so much that is overwhelming. Even choices in the grocery store are enough to baffle me. And if I have to go to someplace like Wal-Mart, I can't wait to get out because there is just so much "stuff".

What I decided this past year is that I'm not going to make lists of what needs to be done. I used to make a list of what I wanted to accomplishment in a day. And I'd worry if I didn't get everything done. I have a mental idea of what I want to do but I don't stress out if I don't get it done. I've also decided not to take on too much at once. I want to have time to take it easy and not become overwhelmed with task after task.

And then there is meditation. I do prayers in the morning and when I'm on the boat, there is a lot of time to let my mind unwind from the work week. It's one of the best investments I've ever made. And how good it feels just to be rocked to sleep on the water.

So if I can pay attention to what my body and mind are telling me, take time to exercise and meditate, and not get caught up in trying to do too many things, I think that I'll have a good strategy for coping with this busy world.

Letting some one else be my Higher Power

My sponsor and I talked about guilt last night. It seems that I have an over abundance of that, even when I've nothing to feel guilty about. I have gotten better since being in the program but the guilt beast is still lurking in me, ready to challenge peace and happiness at a moment's notice.

Another big thing for me is self-criticism. So if someone finds out that I am harsh on myself or have that streak of integrity that means I want to do the "right" thing, then it's likely that I will cough up what ever it is you're after. I know that I've caved in and acquiesced when I'm criticized. Usually when that happens then I'm left with guilt, self-loathing and resentment. It doesn't make for a pleasant day when the chain gets yanked and your toilet is flushed.

So, what kind of scenario sets this up in my head? Well, work used to do it to me. I would take on way more things than I could handle because I thought that it was expected of me. I had to be the one to get it all done and have it be the best. I would spend nights and weekends getting these extra projects done. For what??? What generally happens is that more work is piled on because everyone then knows that you're the sucker whose willing to take it all without complaining. Yet, in my head I was screaming with resentment and anger.

So, what I've learned is to not let work or anyone else be my Higher Power. I can say No with only a twinge of guilt or sometimes none at all. I don't take on extra work anymore, and I don't volunteer for any "atta boy" crap at work. I keep my free time open and I keep my nights and weekends sacred.

Letting someone or something else be my Higher Power means that I am letting someone else control my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. What I need to remember is that I'm not responsible for what occurs to others, nor can I control what others think of me. I don't have to be involved in the problems and choices of others. Instead I am learning to concentrate on my own life and personal growth. I have to turn things that are beyond my control over to my HP and just let go of my compulsions.